“Why would anyone write about divorce years after it’s over?”
There was a pause.
“Why do you still write about it?”
“It’s not all I write about, you know,” I answered. “I’m a writer. I tackle all sorts of topics.”
“Yes, but why so much energy in this – still?”
These were questions from a friend who is unable to understand the reasons I take the time, make the time, to address issues of marriage and divorce. This, more than a decade after my life and my children’s lives were irrevocably changed by an event that takes place in millions of households.
Why do some women – and men – make a point of turning divorce into a cause célèbre, a career, or simply a steady stream of cautionary tales? Is it a matter of never letting go? A mechanism for working through pain? A process that tapers off for some and takes on steam for others?
I can’t answer for anyone but myself.
Writing About Divorce Encourages Community
At first I wrote about divorce, anonymously, to exorcise the demons. Writing eased the pain, and eventually it connected me to a community of others in similar circumstances, which in turn left me feeling a little less alone. Writing brought me acceptance from others – at least to a degree. Writing brought us – those of us sharing our worries and our joys – perspective, understanding, information, and hope.
As time went on, writing about divorce became a vehicle for exploring my feelings in ever greater depth, including the reality of their widespread impacts.
More importantly, I was able to face certain truths about myself – the deadening disillusionment I lived with – that explained my own behaviors and choices, while allowing me to “tweak” several of them.
More than a decade after divorce, I would be lying if I said that every day, every single day, is not in some manner impacted by the years that followed the confusing end to my marriage. The aftermath was terrible, both emotionally and financially. There were health consequences as a result of the perpetual financial drain, and I will live with those consequences for the rest of my life.
We May Not Choose the “What,” But We Choose the “How”
Sometimes things happen. Accidents. Illnesses. Loss. It’s part of life – single, married, divorced.
While we may not be able to choose “what” – especially when it comes to events beyond our control – we can certainly choose the “how,” when it comes to dealing with the consequences. And not to be dramatic, I can live with what I’ve been dealt, though frankly, it’s a drag. The way I do deal with it is to see how fortunate I am – with the kids I have, with the stamina I retain, with the wealth of fine minds (and open hearts) that are part of my community.
While it eats at me that lack of money stood in the way of healing injuries – when it would’ve made a difference – most of the time, I’m simply relieved that I made it “through.” And by through, I mean the active parenting years. I raised my boys to college age; they’re now young men. And despite everything, I’m pretty healthy! So I count my blessings.
The most compelling reasons to continue writing about divorce?
Read on. Let me know what you think.
My Thoughts on Marriage? Mixed. On Love? I’m a Fan.
I believe in enjoying our lives and in owning our responsibilities. These are not mutually exclusive.
I believe in a fulfilling sex life and committed relationships. I believe in love – with our eyes wide open. There is no requirement that these be tightly linked together in the form of marriage; this is a matter of individual preference, of circumstances, of stage in life.
While I believe in committed relationships, I recognize that we’re relatively clueless when we choose our partners, and most of us, clueless when we marry them. Our expectations of “happily ever after” are wildly askew.
I believe that divorce can devastate lives with ripple effects that can never be undone. I also realize that divorce is necessary, and the lesser of two evils for many, both women and men. For those who find themselves married to a stranger, or loving a narcissist and they’re in too deep, extricating oneself from the union can be a painful – but necessary process.
And I’ve seen what divorce has done to children. Is it better to stay for the kids – or to leave? That’s the question that haunts so many parents. Some children weather a breakup well; others carry crippling emotional scars. I also clearly see the destructive nature of our adversarial court system; I wonder how many of us would split more amicably if that system didn’t profit from stirring us up, taking its time, and feeding off confusion and vulnerability.
Why Do I Still Write About Divorce?
I write about divorce for you. For us. If I can give back through my stories, through my experience, through the mere fact that I’m still here and kicking, and if in that you may find some small measure of hope; if I can help even one adult or one child to avoid a mistake that I made, then naturally, you give back to me.
I feel useful. I feel helpful. I feel as though what I’ve learned hasn’t been wasted. I’m paying it forward for innumerable kindnesses that arrived in my life – exactly when I needed them.
I write about divorce because I do not wish any woman or man to live the heartache that I went through, or the hardening of the heart that I sense, at times, I continue to deal with, and that I trace back to a particular course that was set in motion at divorce, gained momentum in its contentious high conflict aftermath, and leaves me with shadows (and debt) that I’ll be hard pressed to escape. I nonetheless hope to escape them. And I work, always, with that goal in mind.
I write about divorce because I carry a profound sense of betrayal – by the systems that I once believed in. I think we can do better. I know we can do better – through education, through political action, through acts of respectful listening, and ceasing the gender wars. I will add that I hang on to my faith in those who do not judge, whether or not they’ve walked in my shoes (or your shoes), and regardless of their ability to fully understand my experience.
I Write as a Parent Who Believes Children Deserve More
I write for my children – leaving out more than I fill in at times, because that is what’s best for them. I believe that our children deserve our best, not perfection (we know it doesn’t exist), but our best that is sometimes the hard way through.
I believe that to have a father, to love a father, to know a father’s love as an adult – this is a gift I want for all our children, however imperfect the father, the love, the man.
I write because I believe in family. We create and recreate our families many times in our lives, and they needn’t look any one particular way to be caring or supportive. I write in the hope that we will place emphasis on balanced giving and taking, though giving is a strength that I believe in. Giving strengthens me. Giving is an essential part of why I write, and why I always will.
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Maybe you write about divorce because there’s no other good answer to the question, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” other than, “so that their experiences can someday help someone else.” I firmly believed we’re put through the fire sometimes for the sole purpose of developing compassion and understanding for those around us in order to help THEM through their fire someday. That’s enough of a reason for me :).
I often have people wondering why I write about divorce as well. Like you share in your story here- the long-term and widespread impacts continue to ripple through my life like stones thrown into a lake every single day.
Financially it’s devastating and emotionally it scars in ways that someone cannot begin to fathom unless that person has spent years trying to ‘fix the unfixable’ and then struggled with anxiety and debt through an extremely expensive divorce from a narcissistic, abusive spouse.
This says it all, D.A. What we can weave and make sense of from our experiences in life are best shared for the benefit of others, and in the process, we most often find healing ourselves. Having been through a long, drawn out, bitter divorce myself, I can say from having lived and survived it, it’s a lonely, heartwrenching turmoil and I appreciate the dialogue. Even now – 10 years after the fact.
@Pamela, I like the way you think. It’s generous, and it’s also helpful. And it keeps us from being bitter, which also makes us more enjoyable to be around!
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts.
@Barbara, Thank you for “getting it,” and I’m sorry that you went through a difficult time. (Such a euphemistic phrase, that one… don’t you think?) And it is indeed helpful when we continue the dialogue, as long as it isn’t the only dialogue we engage in. I like to think that the love of our children is part of that happy music – the many other things we talk about and enjoy, regardless of the legacies we bear to do with divorce and the betrayal of our belief systems.
@Nancy Kay – I know you know, the hard way. I’m sorry for that. Some wounds, as you say, don’t heal. Some breaks are truly irreparable. So we stand up, do our best for our kids, speak our minds (or write them), and hope we make a difference.
Awesome writing thanks… I agree with everything that you’ve said here (assuming that man and woman can be used interchangably).
There is only one thing that this piece may not have considered. I don’t think that my marriage was unfulfilling or painful. I think every marriage needs work from both spouses and no marriage is ideal. Sadly for my children, I was simply unsuccesful at proving to my spouse that a man and a woman can live happily together forever. She was brought up by her mother who had four marriages that all lasted less than 10 years (and a couple of followup relationships). Her father was not present. Sadly it came the time when she had found someone else who was funnier, or better looking so it was easy for her to hop away.
I don’t know how I will be able to teach my children differently to how my ex was taught. But I do agree that writing and sharing this is good and can help.
I agree with you completely Yarmi, that this is a “person” thing, not a man or woman issue. We do learn, we do continue to process, and most of us want others to benefit from what we’ve learned. I will add that in my experience, children can absorb wonderful lessons from either parent (or both), regardless of the marital status of their parents. Be the best role model you can, acknowledge that none of us is perfect and we shouldn’t expect it, and I think will be surprised at how smart our kids really are as the years go on – seeing what’s what. Ultimately, we do our best, but like you, I worry, too. I wish my children had known a different “model” of family life. But maybe what they have known has been pretty good in the long run. I wish you peace.
Keep writing!
I think that time gives us the opportunity to see the bigger picture. Time to see that what is best for us might not be best for our kids. Time to see the other side. Time to see that nobody is perfect, few things really deserve life sentences and forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Darcell
November20,2014
Writing is like chicken soup for the soul. I had been keeping a journal for years before I got married and years during the marriage up to now. It was my escape when I just didn’t feel like talking. It would make for some great reading.My life was a fairy tale. We were married for almost 15 yrs and their were more good than bad.The perfect guy who I had prayed to God to send me and when he sent my husband to me I literally could not see clearly. The perfect guy who cooked for me, waited on me hand and foot when I was sick, ran my bath water, and the perfect lover. I could not be mad at God when the fairy tale ended Because three beautiful kids came from this perfect love and some that didn’t quite make it. I continue to keep journals now for my kids so that they know they are my lifeline, so that they know I will never abandon them like their dad did, so I won’t die inside a million times again when I had to tell them that mommy and daddy can’t live together anymore, and most of all I write for me because I just don’t have any more tears left. I hope this helps someone.