A Manifesto for the Recently Betrayed – It’s About YOU, Not Them

You will find zen in the present moment when the mind is silenced and the heart is open.

When betrayed by infidelity sometimes we just have to sit in the pain. Get dirty with it. Sob our faces off. Pound some wine. Sleep. Be all zombie-like. But that can’t go on forever, or even for a little while. If you have children you MUST keep it together. And your own self wants you to keep it together, too. Consider it the greatest challenge of your life, and know that your efforts will be rewarded HUGELY by your children, and the Universe-at-Large. I promise you.

Even with days when you feel literally broken, the time after discovering your spouse’s affair or coming to terms with the pain of divorce can be magical. As I’ve said before, I look back on those days with fondness. (And with gratitude to the kittens for helping me feel safe and loved while I chronicled this experience in real time.)

During that time, through lessons learned and epiphanies, I found these to be truths we need to internalize and share with those experiencing betrayal, divorce.

1. Time does not heal. What truly heals is self-excavation and discovery, being absolutely honest with your self about choices and motivations and areas that need attention. When you find your attention drifting to your (former) spouse or affair partner, remind your self that they are on their own journey and say, Instead of spending my time thinking about him or her I am going to spend my time working on (this aspect) of myself.
2. You are never better positioned for massive emotional and psychic growth than when you have been reduced to rubble. Take full advantage of this opportunity to get to know your AUTHENTIC self and discern between the voice of your Ego and the voice of your Intuition (Observer Self, Higher Self)
3. Your words, spoken and thought, will create your reality. When you find yourself spewing venom make it stop. Just stop. You don’t have to rationalize or justify or be right. Just don’t speak or think negative words. When they creep in or out, say, I choose to not participate in life that way. Those are not words I use. Do not rehash the past or gossip or judge others with words.
4. Take ten minutes each day to close your eyes and imagine yourself flying above your life. The higher you get the smaller the role that betrayal and divorce play in the overall journey of your days on this planet. As you breathe say these words: I choose to acknowledge that my present situation is an opportunity for growth. This journey is not linear. I will have moments of great progress and moments where I lose ground. And it’s all good. This is why I’m here. To learn. To grow. To FEEL. To experience. To make memories. When you need it most, regardless of who is with you, excuse yourself and go sit and fly.
5. Let go of societal expectations. Let go of the past. Let go of the future. They are illusions. As humans, we come together and we grow apart. We fulfill roles for each other. We create experiences. When you find yourself going back in time to relive or justify or have pretend conversations in your head about your past relationship, STOP. Breathe. Close your eyes, draw your attention inward and say this: I am here in this present moment and I choose to be fully here. The past is gone. The future has not yet happened. My choices that I make in this present moment will create my future. I chose to feel and express love, optimism, joy, gratitude and let go of words and feelings that do not support that creation. And breathe. And say, ahhhhhhhhhhh…..I am fully present in this moment and in this moment I am well, safe, and loved.
6. Date yourself. For a good, long while. Forever, actually. This is essential so that you can trust again. And love again.   Don’t be scared. You are going to trust YOURSELF and love YOURSELF before you choose to love another. The more practice you have listening to your inner voice (not your Ego), the more you will have success following your intuition. And that leads to trusting your intuition. Trust is meant for you. It’s what allows you to be vulnerable. You give trust to yourself and vulnerability to another. And that creates love.
7. If you have children, be FULLY present with them. They are a magical escape hatch from the trap of hyper over analysis of the muck of infidelity, divorce, betrayal. They will anoint you a God or Goddess if you allow this experience to bring you to the present moment with them. Play, read, make a mess in the kitchen, let the laundry sit in favor of packing a picnic, get out on the Earth and walk aimlessly through nature, go camping, fishing, drag them out of bed at midnight, shove cocoa in their hands, grab the sleeping bags and go look at stars. Remind them that they are floating on a massive orb in outer space and that it is a literal miracle that we are alive. If your (former) spouse intrudes on this time with your children in thought, scoop up the thoughts and blow them like feathers off your hands. If in person, say, Now’s not a good time. There will be better times.  You deserve to have this time with your children, they deserve your attention, and none of that other stuff matters.
8. Which brings me to this: It is a miracle that we are alive. And we live in a dual world. We have joy AND sadness. Health AND sickness. Love AND hate. Loyalty and betrayal. Because without both we know neither. So the trick is to remain fluid and accept that we incarnated as human beings to FEEL IT ALL. When we choose to spin magic out of the pain we are rewarded with explosive emotional, physical and psychic growth. The more we grow the more regularly we exist in a state of unconditional love, not easily upended by the actions of others, and content with the present moment in life, whatever it may hold.

Allow the experience of betrayal to transform you in all the most magical of ways.

Love yourself,

Cleo