She gave to me everything she had and more, but nothing as powerful as unconditional love.
I picked The Dudes up at school yesterday. They climbed into the back of the car, the Tall Dude pulling out his book and the Little Dude saying, Hey, Mama…I love you. His shaggy blond bangs partly concealed his beautiful robin’s egg blue eyes. Eyes just like my Dad’s. Clear, gentle but spirited, playful. He started to change into his soccer cleats. I sorted through our schedule out loud – early dinner at Whole Foods, off to soccer, then drive over the hill to home. We’ll get there late but school’s almost over so let’s suck it up. Then I remembered about the video.
I spoke with my oldest brother earlier in the day. My Mom was spending most of the day sleeping. She couldn’t speak above a whisper, only a couple words would make their way out. The last few days had been much of the same. Except for Friday. My Mom is a stickler for keeping commitments – shocker, right? Well, she had promised M that she would celebrate his 75th birthday with a lobster dinner. Because that’s what people do when their bodies are literally flooded with cancer. Order up lobster and champagne. On the heals of throwing a 90th birthday party.
(Note to those bringing birthday cakes with lit candles to people on oxygen: Have someone else blow out the candles. My Mom was almost the lead story on CNN on the night of her birthday. Good to know that one of eight kids paid attention in science class. I don’t even know if it’s chemistry or alchemy…but I do know oxygen and flames don’t mix. I just didn’t have the reflexes that day. Hey. Give me props. I knew it wasn’t geology.)
She bought M 75 roses. A beautiful round cake covered in more roses was brought into her room. My brother Facetimed me from her iPad. I watched her sip down a glass of champagne through a straw. My other brother (it’s as if I have a never ending supply, right?) said, Do you hear that? She’s at the bottom but going for more! That sound she always told us not to make with a straw was barely perceptible. I knew she was looking at me, but I couldn’t hear her say, I love you.
I felt it.
That was the last time I saw her alive. The most perfect way to have my visual goodbye.
After champagne and blowing out the candles (safely this time) she fell into a deep sleep. Those that gathered for the party left her room and eventually decided to postpone the lobster for another time. M left to have dinner out with his family. My sibs remained at her side. A while later she opened her eyes. Another brother offered her some soup.
I want lobster, she said.
The brothers sprung into action like Swedish Jackie Chans. (I’m sure the sisters did, too, but with less of a roundhouse kick.) Phone calls went out: She’s up and wants lobster! Get back here!
M had just been served at a restaurant. He took a few bites, had the rest packed up and off he went, back to Mom’s. U-turns all over New Jersey. Back to Mom-mecca. Or Mecca Mom.
Honestly, she could have said, Tear down this house and rebuild it with only your toes! and everyone would have launched into the task with total confidence and commitment to deliver on her request. Why? Because that’s what she did for us every day of her life. Without ever complaining or being selfish or overwhelmed or dramatic. She was super reliable Mom.
She got her lobster dinner. And M got a birthday that he will never, ever forget. None of us will.
The next day she slept. I didn’t want to wake her with my voice. When she opened her eyes the sibs would tell her that I love her. And that I’m laying there with her even though I am here.
She was starting to get uncomfortable. A little agitated, restless. My brother called me on Monday and gave me the update. She was sleeping at the time. I told him I would pick The Dudes up from school and shoot a video for her to see when she woke up.
We squeezed our three heads into the frame and told her how much we love her. And then the Little Dude said with absolute certainty, Poppy’s waiting for you, Nana B. I sent the video off to her email address where my brother retrieved it. I don’t know if she ever got to see it.
Later that night (June 2nd) my brother called. He asked if I wanted to say something to her. She was having a hard time breathing. I hadn’t wanted to disturb her because she would be uncomfortable when awake, but I could tell from his voice that I needed to take advantage of the opportunity now. This is what I said:
I love you, Mom. We are with you. The Little Dude told me today that Poppy is waiting for you. It’s okay to go. He’s going to take your hand. Thank you so much for being my Mom. I love you so much.
Fifteen minutes later she died.
I sat outside in the midst of early season fog. A ship’s horn blew. Then quiet. Then again. No tears fell. Today they do. But not last night. Not when I heard the words. Or looked at the picture of her hanging on my wall. That’s because today’s tears are for me. And last night’s peaceful feeling was for her. She’s being rewarded for a life of hard work, selfless commitment, honesty, loyalty, integrity. She’s being rewarded for being an optimist, for realizing that in spite of the challenges of life we are SO blessed to be alive. She never wasted a moment here. She never led with her Ego. She loved fully. She was authentic. Present. Real.
My rock. My love. My Mom. I will miss her.
I cannot express in words how grateful I am that she was with me from the Pocket Call till now. She read every word that I wrote and every word that you wrote. Many times over. I moved away from her three years ago but got closer to her in every other way. She supported me in a way I may never experience again. Just absolute unconditional love and support. ALWAYS there for me. She made me feel so safe. And now I have these comments, and others, to reflect back on forever. Thank you, kittens, for making her feel that I will always be in good hands. She loved you all.
Love yourself,
Cleo
From Mom…
As I repeatedly say, “Life is not complicated until we complicate it ourselves”!! So, there! I think on that note I will go take a nap. If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t still be trying to keep your path back to your Creator safe and happy. Happy people are those who look within themselves and feel a great deal of respect and love for themselves. If we can’t honestly do that then being truly happy is not happening.
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“It’s easy to lie. Or so our minds would like us to believe. But it’s not without consequence, even if it’s never discovered, ESPECIALLY if the lie is never discovered”!!! CLEO, WE JUST DETERMINED THAT THE TRUTH WILL
A L W A Y S OUT!!! I loved the post but remember the lesson; THE TRUTH WILL A L W A Y S OUT !!! The lie WILL be discovered! It never fails!! THAT is why we might just as well tell the truth!! If we should find that a lie has escaped our lips , grab it, right as it comes out of our mouth and push it back in by saying, “I’m sorry. I am afraid I didn’t respond honestly. What I mean to say is …”.
Love you, Cleo – AND THAT IS THE TRUTH!!!
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Thanks, Cleo, for another fabulous chapter on your progress – not just for you but for all who heed your gentle suggestions. Some go through life as teachers – others as perpetual students – and I do believe most of us do both. I am not a “young” adult – I am probably forty-two years your senior – but I, too, am learning so much from your writings. You have me teary one minute and giggly the next.
Thanks for taking so much time to share what is, without question, the biggest disappointment in life – betrayal by someone – husband – we truly looked up to (Thus the pedestal feeling) as our lover, protector, father of our children and someone with whom we were vowed to share for the rest of our lives!!
With love and a super abundance of respect for you.
Rosie
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Oh, Cleo,
What an amazing group of Kittens have joined your invitation to comment. I was going to single out Stephanie – and I do think she has a mind that works like a fine Swiss watch -and the more I read the more I discovered how gifted they all are. I feel like a soul looking from the outside in because I have never experienced such hurt. I sincerely believe my generation was a kinder more gentle group. We thought before we spoke. Most of us had a very active conscience because we listened to it always.
Anyway, you are an amazing support for each other, keeping the focus on helping each other cope and heal. Nothing can top that.
Cleo, be a good listener, think positive thoughts and go to that therapy session knowing you have given your best and whatever comes of it, find some good. Stick to your boundaries. Your boys happiness is a priority. Their father couldn’t see anything but himself and his ego back when he was leading that double life – before discovery. Now whether he has matured or not, it is still the boys who deserve to be happy, healthy and joyful. The father can fend for himself.
Keep up your beautiful work. Cherish every day and thank God for His gifts every night.
LY,
Cleo – I’m so very sorry for your enormous loss. How amazing what the little guy said. There is certainly something more than this life.
I read this and wept. I felt like I knew her. I know how much you loved her. The advice she gave that you shared with us was always so sage. For those of us who had less than stellar mothers, she would have been the house we were hanging out at after school – just soaking up the love and common sense.
She created an amazing, beautiful, grounded, funny, intelligent daughter who made her proud every day. My sincere condolences.
Donna
D, Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here. I am not exaggerating when I say that she loved you all. She read and reread your stories and comments and words of love and tough love and just fell head over heals for you all. She would have had cocoa waiting with a saucer over the mug to keep it warm and would chat as she made dinner for 10 as if she was opening a can of soup. In the background would be a baseball game, and her eyes would be on the clock waiting for her love to come through the door. She’d drop what she was doing and go to him with arms wide open. I love her. And you. Thank you, D. Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh Cleo, many, many hugs and prayers for your family. Your mom was one in a million!
Thank you, T. She truly was and will forever be remembered by all who knew her as an extraordinary woman. I cherish her. Love yourself, Cleo
My condolences to you, Cleo. What a wonderful mother she was, and what a wonderful tribute to her.
M, Thank you for your support and kind words. I am so grateful to have been raised by such a remarkable woman. Love yourself,
Cleo
My heart is heavy for you, Cleo. A remarkable mom with a remarkable daughter.
Thank you, L. I would not be where I am, how I am without her guidance and example. She literally made me. In all ways. Love yourself,
Cleo
Hello Cleo,
I haven’t commented in eons but have followed your journey. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your wonderful Mother. May the memories of your sweet mother and daughter relationship bring you comfort and peace. Hugs from Canada,
Judy
J, Thank you for your kind words of support and that hug – I need a good hour long hug! So grateful to have you here. Stay close… Love yourself,
Cleo
So sorry for your loss. Your mom sounds like she was one remarkable lady.
S, Thank you for your condolences. I will always remember my Mom for her conviction and her LOVE of sports. Among a thousand other wonderful attributes. She lived fully. Love yourself, Cleo
I wept while reading this as well. I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like she was a wonderful woman, and I’m sure you will all miss her terribly.
L, Thank you for your empathy and for being here. The longing for her voice is starting to kick in now. A great opportunity to remain centered and spiritually grounded. I’m certain she will send blessings my way as long as I – as she would often request – stay on my best behavior. Love yourself, Cleo
Our condolences to you and yours. What an amazing woman, and Mom.
B, Thank you for taking the time to extend your condolences. She has left her mark on this planet and touched so many lives. She will be greatly missed. Love yourself, Cleo
I’m so sorry for your loss. I have enjoyed reading your Mom’s words of wisdom; she sounds like an inspiring and amazing woman. I’m happy she was surrounded by her loved ones and beautifully cared for until the very end. Take care and know that the grieving will come in spurts for while. I’m sending you lots of prayers and good thoughts.
M, Thank you for your support and words of wisdom. I go in believing I’ve got it all under control in so many situations. Was feeling so grounded and feeling like I would be able to celebrate and not grieve. Sure. Going back to something that helped so much post-Pocket Call. Remain supple. Soft and supple. Stay close, M. Love yourself, Cleo
I’m so sorry for your loss, Cleo. Your Mother sounds like an amazing woman and you were both lucky to have one another to rely on. A lovely tribute!
L, I hear my Mom right this minute saying, L, we are not lucky, we are BLESSED! 😉 The silver lining in my former spouse’s affair is what it did for my relationship with my Mom. We were always close, but the love for each other and the respect just flourished under these trying circumstances. I am forever grateful for the gift of having her as my Mom. Love yourself, Cleo
Oh, Cleo. I am so sorry. My heart is with you and your boys. You made us all fall a little (or a lot) in love with her–thank you so much for sharing her with us. And may we all live such a lovely and generous life as she clearly did.
R, Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your condolences. Mom was extraordinarily lovable. Respected. Admired. SO generous. No agendas. Nothing to complicate her world. Just love. Love yourself, Cleo
I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing your wonderful mom with us.
M, Thank you for your condolences. I’m so grateful to have had the opportunity to share her with all of you. What a gift to have these words she has written to read and to have been able to share this awful but magical experience with her. So grateful. Love yourself, Cleo
I’m extremely sorry for your loss.
Thinking of you, sending much love.
Avril
A, Thank you for your condolences and love. Grateful to have you here. Love yourself, Cleo
I’m so sorry, C. Sage told me that your mother was ill. She sounded like a wonderful person, and you were lucky to have her for such a long time. <3 Big hugs for you. Hope to see you in a few weeks when I come down.
E, Thank you for your condolences. I have so much for which to be grateful. My Mom gave me many gifts. She nailed it. A real 10. Without her to go to now, I will try to bring forth her spirit from within, where she will hopefully continue to keep me in line. 🙂 Taking the hugs and looking forward to seeing you. Love that S. SO much. It’s going to be a summer of love. Love yourself, Cleo
E, Thank you for your condolences. I have so much for which to be grateful. My Mom gave me many gifts. She nailed it. A real 10. Without her to go to now, I will try to bring forth her spirit from within, where she will hopefully continue to keep me in line. 🙂 Taking the hugs and looking forward to seeing you. Love that S. SO much. It’s going to be a summer of love. Love yourself, Cleo
Oh Cleo, what a beautiful post. Blessings to you. Lifting you up.
C, Thank you for your kind words and blessings. Another opportunity to shine, m’lady. That’s my goal. Love yourself, Cleo
Beautiful post Cleo! I have so enjoyed learning about – and from – your mom these past years. Her wisdom will be missed on HGM. As a mom and daughter myself your relationship has been an inspiration. My heart goes out to you and the Dudes.
M, Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your kind words. It’s been such a gift to be able to share her with all of you. I am so proud of how she lived her life and will work to emulate her as a Mom and woman. She lives on, M. Stay close. Love yourself, Cleo
Cleo, I am so sorry for your profound loss. I am also grateful you had such a wonderful role model, mother and friend. Every single time I hear about women who are the amazing mothers (such as your mother was) I have hope that maybe I am doing something right and perhaps with a little luck thrown in, my relationship with my children is as good as some of these.
Thank you for sharing your mother with us. What an amazing woman.
B, Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your condolences. I am SO grateful for the opportunity to have honored her here at HGM. She truly is a remarkable woman. For what she has done in her life – which is a lot! – and HOW she has done it. With grace, humility, humor, optimism, peace. I aim to consciously channel these traits. It’s not luck, she would say. But love, presence and gratitude. Stay close. Love yourself, Cleo
Your mother sounds wonderful. I am so sorry for your loss, but her last moments with her family sound incredible. Thank you for sharing this with us. I love the photo of her hand in yours.
P, Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here. I’m grateful for the opportunity to share these experiences. I’m convinced that Mom’s consistent commitment to making good choices throughout her life led to a peaceful and celebratory death surrounded by those she dearly loved. It was a beautiful ending to a remarkable life. That photo will be cherished. Love yourself, Cleo
P, Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here. I’m grateful for the opportunity to share these experiences. I’m convinced that Mom’s consistent commitment to making good choices throughout her life led to a peaceful and celebratory death surrounded by those she dearly loved. It was a beautiful ending to a remarkable life. That photo will be cherished. Love yourself, Cleo
I’m so so so sorry for the loss of your Mom!
Rylan
R, So good to see you here. Thank you for your words of support. I continue on my journey, but now I have a bird that flies overhead making sure I don’t do anything stupid. 🙂 Stay close… Love yourself, Cleo
Cleo,
Such a lovely post…thank you for sharing your life with us.
T, Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your kind words. She is a lovely woman. I’m grateful for the opportunity to ‘write it out’ with such amazing people who walk with me on this journey. Love yourself, Cleo
Unconditional love and support. What an extraordinary gift, and a legacy you can exemplify.
I am deeply sorry for your loss.
D. A.
D, Thank you, beautiful. She will forever be my muse. Typical – she is already hard at work lighting my path. Grateful you are here – Love yourself, Cleo
Cleo, ‘holding you in the light’ as Quakers say. This time will be one of immense grief and change; feelings familiar to you and yet you will experience them anew.
We are all standing beside you now.
M, Thank you for your words of support. The Pocket Call brought my Mom and me closer together even though we lived so far apart. Yet another gift from an experience that was so traumatic. And that experience trained me to be able to remain centered through her death. Every time I think of her I smile! Me – the cryer of the century. She makes it impossible to be sad, even in death. I so adore her. Stray close…Love yourself, Cleo
Cleo,
What a wonderful and touching post. I am so absolutely sorry for the loss of your mother. You expressed the depth, the breadth and height of her honor and dignity. They don’t make them like your mother any more. I could feel her peaceful exit to her next chapter.
I am experiencing the closing chapter for another woman who is very special in every way. We are grandparents-in-law or we say we are grandmothers-in-love. We have shared many challenging, exasperating and loving journeys with our grandchildren who are now both in or entering college.
She was suddenly diagnosed with cancer. She had surgery, chemo and we hoped and prayed for the best. We had planned to drive the 8-hour ride together to our granddaughter who is graduating before beginning college this fall. A couple of days she informed that the cancer has returned with a vengence and does not know how long she has.
We still plan to make the drive to the graduation. A little over a week later, her final wish is to go to DC where our granddaughter is being awarded a Presidential Scholar award for 2014. She plans to make this last trip and prepare to leave her children, host of grandchildren and hundreds and hundreds of friends.
She is a lady like your mother through and through. Thank you for sharing your journey and your loss. It makes this journey easier for me.
Cleo,
What a wonderful and touching post. I am so absolutely sorry for the loss of your mother. You expressed the depth, the breadth and height of her honor and dignity. They don’t make them like your mother any more. I could feel her peaceful exit to her next chapter.
I am experiencing the closing chapter for another woman who is very special in every way. We are grandparents-in-law or we say we are grandmothers-in-love. We have shared many challenging, exasperating and loving journeys with our grandchildren who are now both in or entering college.
She was suddenly diagnosed with cancer. She had surgery, chemo and we hoped and prayed for the best. We had planned to drive the 8-hour ride together to our granddaughter who is graduating before beginning college this fall. A couple of days she informed that the cancer has returned with a vengence and does not know how long she has.
We still plan to make the drive to the graduation. A little over a week later, her final wish is to go to DC where our granddaughter is being awarded a Presidential Scholar award for 2014. She plans to make this last trip and prepare to leave her children, host of grandchildren and hundreds and hundreds of friends.
She is a lady like your mother through and through. Thank you for sharing your journey and your loss. It makes this journey easier for me.
Cleo,
What a wonderful and touching post. I am so absolutely sorry for the loss of your mother. You expressed the depth, the breadth and height of her honor and dignity. They don’t make them like your mother any more. I could feel her peaceful exit to her next chapter.
I am experiencing the closing chapter for another woman who is very special in every way. We are grandparents-in-law or we say we are grandmothers-in-love. We have shared many challenging, exasperating and loving journeys with our grandchildren who are now both in or entering college.
She was suddenly diagnosed with cancer. She had surgery, chemo and we hoped and prayed for the best. We had planned to drive the 8-hour ride together to our granddaughter who is graduating before beginning college this fall. A couple of days she informed that the cancer has returned with a vengence and does not know how long she has.
We still plan to make the drive to the graduation. A little over a week later, her final wish is to go to DC where our granddaughter is being awarded a Presidential Scholar award for 2014. She plans to make this last trip and prepare to leave her children, host of grandchildren and hundreds and hundreds of friends.
She is a lady like your mother through and through. Thank you for sharing your journey and your loss. It makes this journey easier for me.
Cleo,
What a wonderful and touching post. I am so absolutely sorry for the loss of your mother. You expressed the depth, the breadth and height of her honor and dignity. They don’t make them like your mother any more. I could feel her peaceful exit to her next chapter.
I am experiencing the closing chapter for another woman who is very special in every way. We are grandparents-in-law or we say we are grandmothers-in-love. We have shared many challenging, exasperating and loving journeys with our grandchildren who are now both in or entering college.
She was suddenly diagnosed with cancer. She had surgery, chemo and we hoped and prayed for the best. A couple of days she informed that the cancer has returned with a vengence and does not know how long she has.
We still plan to make the drive to the graduation. A little over a week later, her final wish is to go to DC where our granddaughter is being awarded a Presidential Scholar award for 2014. She plans to make this last trip and prepare to leave her children, host of grandchildren and hundreds and hundreds of friends.
P, Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your words of support. I have no doubt that she will make it to DC – the will is unstoppable. Unless we sabotage it, which it does not seem to be her way. Nor was it my Mom’s. Soak up this time, as I’m sure you are prepared to do. The memory makers on this planet are those time we spend with the ones we love. Stay close, P. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Love yourself, Cleo
I am so so so sorry for the passing of your mother. But she is not completely gone– she lives on in you. It is evident because she has passed along her wisdom and strength to you. Although there are so many difficult things that came along with the Pocket Call, I would like to believe that it provided your mom the opportunity to realize how much good she has taught you and passed along to you. And it provided her the opportunity to know that you can and will survive without her. You will thrive, continuing to create a life and a living that you (and she!) are proud of. She was such a classy, wise woman. We have all learned so much from her though your posts. Her words have truly circled the globe and made a difference in many people’s lives. What an amazing thing! My condolences, Cleo, to you, your brothers and sisters, your children and all of those that are feeling her loss.
T, Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for your kind words about my Mom. During the priest’s eulogy he called her a Prophet. He said, “A prophet is not someone who tells the future, but a person who sees God in everyone she encounters and acts accordingly.” That was my Mom. She saw God, magic, in everything and everyone. The Pocket Call brought us so close, and on many occasions she would tell me how proud she was or comment on my strength and unwillingness to be overwhelmed by negativity or feeling defeated. What she never connected was that I could be that way because of her example. Never one to take credit, and yet I am who I am in large part because of her influence. You saw that. That makes me beam. Thank you, T. Love yourself, Cleo