In a room with a couch, an orchid and a box of tissues sat three people. Dr. K., The Genius and me. The Genius had finally (maybe) confessed when they all do that because it seems people are everywhere but in their homes. Where do all they all come from? Restaurants overflowing, stores like hives buzzing with people instead of bees. And everyone is so talkative!
I feel like I’m in Europe.
But I’m not, and it’s winter. So I retreat indoors except for when I turn off my mind and unconsciously put on my swimsuit and head to the pool. If I were to think about what I was preparing to do, I would, instead, venture into the crawl space beneath my home and search with my tongue for hibernating arachnids.
A distaste for the cold affords me the time to watch a video like The Observation Effect and finally click on a few suggested links that I’ve received over the last few months leading me to articles and blog posts meant for me to read. I gathered ideas and statements from each to ponder along with some recent encounters with man and owl.
Three owl sightings in the span of four days kicked off what feels like a new chapter in my life. In each case, a large, white barn owl flew directly overhead, wings that could hug you compressing the air beneath them silently; so close I could see each feather, stark white against a pitch black sky. I didn’t hear the owls, I heard the air parting to let them through. Having only seen one other owl in my life, even though I search the tree tops as twilight arrives nightly, I was flabbergasted. By the third sighting, my reaction was spontaneous laughter and an, Okay! I’ll consider this a sign!
While that may seem like quite the fanfare to usher in a new time, the shift has been so subtle that I didn’t realize it was happening until this very moment. It’s sounds silly to say, Something’s happening, because something always is…but something’s happening.
As I sat at the keys, the diverse thoughts, statements and ideas that have come to me from far and wide (NYC, PA, South Africa, England, Canada, New Zealand) all coalesced into one clear message:
We are afraid to talk.
First words are greeted with claps and gasps and awe-struck faces. We consider language an art, teaching it to new little humans for at least the first 20 years of their lives. This planet is draped in words whispered, sung, yelled, chanted, rapped and taken back. Our motor mouths distinguish us from the rest of the animal kingdom, who prefer to speak when necessary.
Us? We speak when it’s easy. And it’s easy most of the time. When it’s necessary our tongues swell, our eyes glaze over, we (I) crave wine and sleep. Talking when necessary usually means talking about something that we were hoping to not have to talk about.
That sentence is as cumbersome as the idea itself.
Talking about things we don’t want to talk about is laborious. At times frightening. Especially when we are trained on correct use of prepositions but not adequate expression of emotions. I can think of only two times in my life when I actually looked forward to having a difficult conversation: the day I told my Mom I got a tattoo (I was so exhausted by NOT telling her) and the day I knew I would sit in front of Dr. K and tell The Genius I was divorcing him.
I put off telling my Mom about the sweet little cactus with a shadow that sits on my left oblique for a year. I didn’t stand up for myself, summon my courage and release my attachment to happily ever after for two agonizing months after learning of The Genius’ betrayal and infidelity.
My Mom thought the tattoo was cute. The Genius thought nothing of me for four years, so I suspect my request for a divorce was a relief.
I don’t regret marrying The Genius, but I do regret not respecting myself enough to launch him out of my space upon discovering his affair. Even with the year that has passed, I still feel a little dirty when I look back on that time and observe myself trying to be the good wife. In looking back further, I see now that I didn’t feel brave enough to say, This isn’t working for me, at various times during our marriage. As I’ve said before, I explained away our issues with excuses – travel and the challenges of being new parents. We’d work through the trials and tribulations, and one day look back and toast how resilient we were, how our love carried us through the tough times.
I’ll still have that toast, likely on New Year’s Eve, but I’ll be toasting the girl in the mirror.
Filters are good, but the ones that keep us from speaking up when things don’t feel right, when it’s necessary, are not good. The first article forwarded to me was a stunning read from xoJane, sent by Mr. Simplicity, titled: It Happened To Me: My Parents Adopted a Murderer. It was sent as an example of why we ought to be grateful our lives aren’t more screwed up, that it can always be worse. And as an example of brilliant writing. And it is brilliant.
She suffered in silence during a childhood of abuse, then pretended everybody adopts an orphan who bludgeoned their parents. You mean your family didn’t? I empathized with her predicament. How do you tell your father that he’s an angry lunatic when you’re a teenager? I’m fairly certain that wouldn’t go over well. As a teen, talking to your parents when things are great can be challenging.
Having never been to xoJane before, I tooled around a bit and came across an article titled: What It’s Really Like: To Be Young and Divorced. (I would add, naive. I should know. I was, as well.) Two women shared the stories behind their short-lived marriages. I can understand our divorce rate when I read something like this:
“I wasn’t ready to marry him, but I also wasn’t ready to break up with him. And turning down a proposal, in most situations, is going to result in a break up.”
So she married him.
And then divorced him.
I was struck by the fact that she didn’t say to him, I’m not sure I’m ready. Five words that would have sparked a conversation, an adult exchange of ideas, an exercise in being vulnerable. Five words that may have prevented these four from being said mere months later: I want a divorce.
As my Mom says, Life isn’t complicated until we ourselves complicate it.
Then I received the email I referenced in the last post. A brave kitten came clean about an affair. An affair that pulled the plug on a marriage that was on life support. She was unhappy, miserable in a broken relationship.
I knew I was unhappy and had been for years but I could never admit why (even on a subconscious level) – ignored any gut feelings or intuitions I had that the root of my unhappiness lay with the biggest relationship in my life (outside of my two children that is) because I was scared sh**less- denial was much easier to process than the other big D word- DIVORCE.
Fear. Fear prevented her from stopping the madness. Fear propelled her into the arms of another man, further complicating an already complicated situation. Denial allowed her to function as if everything was alright. I asked her why.
I truly believe that every wrong deed that we commit has a root cause ..some motivation that causes us to make the wrong choice. I think that if we all possessed the self awareness necessary to understand our motivations for our actions we would never do wrong ..we would address the root cause and move on . But we don’t always have this self awareness. I believe these acts of wrongs that we commit are the Universe’s way of guiding us to a place of better self awareness The trick is that we have to step back and look at the root cause when we stumble. So often we just dust ourselves off, say our apologies and carry on. Lesson be damned. So each time we ignore the message the Universe gets a little louder. Until finally it’s a doozy….that was it for me; an affair was so against my nature that I knew I couldn’t pretend anymore. I knew that happily married people don’t have affairs.
Let’s pretend, happy end. Only pretending is in and of itself deceitful. Yet, we choose to pretend because it’s seemingly easier than being honest. We choose deceit over honesty, and I’m not sure why.
Why pretend when it’s clear that continued misery will be the end result?
What if I tell my spouse what I really need and how unhappy I am…and nothing changes …then what ? What’s harder to face? Laying it all in the line and still being stuck in exactly the same place or not saying anything and just fooling yourself that everything is perfect. I think for most people the chance of things staying status quo even after you have poured your heart is just to damn frightening …here you are outing out your heart and soul and saying what your heart and spirit needs and you either get a response of total apathy or a response of complete inability to meet your needs.
Or, what if I told The Genius that his Machiavellian ways were unacceptable and my marriage ended?
What would have happened then?
We would be friends. We would have a bittersweet period of time, where one or both of us lamented the end to our marriage, and then segued into a compassionate relationship that supported the growth of our two children. Our moral compasses would be intact, our hearts at peace. I would not be forever scarred by being betrayed by the one who committed to protect me.
There would be no HGM. And chances are, I would never have learned as much about myself as I have in this past year. So, yes, there are benefits to how my marriage ended. Seems odd to say it that way, but it’s true. But my intuition tells me that those benefits would have still been realized, albeit in a much less painful fashion, and likely at a pace less brisk than what I’ve experienced over these last 12 months.
I didn’t prevent the obliteration of my relationship with The Genius because I didn’t have boundaries, my needs weren’t clear to me, I didn’t respect myself enough to acknowledge them, hence I was afraid. I didn’t take the time to look at my options and make a choice that supported me because I didn’t value being supported. I accepted the status quo rather than summon the bravery needed to say: I deserve respect. I can’t force you to respect me. But I can end our marriage if you won’t. And so I will.
In looking back on my life, the times when I allowed something to fester resulted in encounters that were much more painful than had I addressed the situation when my gut first flipped, whether in a relationship, or with a work matter or even simply with myself. It took 46 years for me to come to understand that it’s much easier, more exciting even, to meet a challenge head-on, with the confidence that I will be safe because my intentions are pure.
Like the white wings of a barn owl as he sails through a night sky. He remains bright even in the dark.
I was too afraid to speak because I feared the path I was on would disappear, leaving me lost in blackness. What was then illuminated was at least visible – the known. The darkness, the unknown.
When I spoke up, the lights went on and I realized I had been in the dark the whole time, but my own light never went out. My own self, flying by my side, silently, waiting for me to notice her, reach out and grab her hand, look into her emerald eyes and say,
There’s nothing to fear when we have each other. And we will forever have each other.
Today I speak without fear. I speak when necessary. I speak because I love myself.
I will never let fear silence me again.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I must tell you this. During our marriage, from time to time, I told my husband that if he ever got the urge to cheat on me to please respect me enough to tell me his feelings. I told him how devastating that would be for me (not knowing then the true devastation of infidelity) and basically, just asked for that respect. He is a clothes-aholic and half in jest, I would tell him that if he did cheat, I would cut the sleeves off of his 150+ cashmere sweaters, cut the crotch out of his hundreds of pairs of pants, and dump his crocodile shoes in dumpsters all across town. When things started to go south, I approached him over and over again to try make things better. Then I gave up. And then he cheated because “we had nothing in common anymore”. Of course, I didn’t destroy his wardrobe. He knew I wouldn’t because I am not a barbarian who thinks only of herself. That was his role. I tried to talk to him and he was having none of it. He never told me he was unhappy. He only cared about work and he was happy there so the rest didn’t matter. Until it did. Then off he went. The greatest thing I’ve learned from you wonderful blog is how to set boundaries. We are still together (for how long, I just don’t know) but I make sure that whatever I say now, I mean with my whole being. Being true to yourself – and owning a pair of sharp scissors – commands respect. I get that now. Thank you.
S,
I must have missed this part of the marriage class: “And then he cheated because “we had nothing in common anymore”.”
I thought if ‘we’ had nothing in common anymore then a conversation about counseling or a decision to divorce was the appropriate course of action. I didn’t realize the vows then became null and void. Silly me. All those lost opportunities I had because of my invasive morals and values. Damn them.
Your words, “I make sure that whatever I say now, I mean with my whole being.”, help to reinforce my commitment to myself. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for helping to keep me focused on what is healthy for me and the boys. You, m’lady, rock. IN a grand way. So grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Stephanie & Cleo, I just about laughed out loud when I read what you both wrote your husbands’ words – “we have nothing in common anymore” – because those were the only words given to me after 4 months of marriage.
Much love and strength to you both.
Janice xox
J,
Laughter at this time is SO necessary. It’s the elixir that fills the glass of joy and gratitude. You, J, are magic. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you, Janice. After I wrote that comment I really thought about what that meant to him. And I came up with this: the thing we didn’t have in common anymore was the adoration of HIM. He put all his effort into his work, I put all mine into my family. When his over-weening ego and selfishness became too much to bear, I quietly, little by little, withdrew. His cheerleader took a powder so he found a new one. Because of this blog, I’m putting all (most!) of my effort into me now. The “nothing in common” excuse really translates to “you’re not all about me anymore”. disgusting but true!!
S,
“… I quietly, little by little, withdrew.” Withdrew, to me, equates to retreat. I sense you matured. You continued to grow emotionally. You blossomed. He did not. The narcissism of youth can transform with self-awareness.
My gratitude to you both for keeping this conversation alive.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you. This rings so true. Loving yourself equals valuing, respecting, honouring and feeling worthy. I am learning that I have never done this- like most women.
Thank you Cleo for speaking what we all understand and know deep inside but are afraid to speak- to ourselves.
M,
I’m grateful for the opportunity to speak. And to have such a gorgeous group of spirited people who are brave, optimistic and honest is the best gift ever. I am so fortunate to have you all to support me that I am willing to dig and excavate and be brutally honest if it means we can all achieve our goals together, which include loving ourselves and being genuinely happy in our own company.
Thank you for being here, M. You rock, all the way over there. And I hear it here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
thanks so much for sharing this… I look at the holidays and only being a few months away from finding out and it makes me feel better seeing you 12 months out. like it might suck now and get worse first but that there is an after a better, more honest after.
C,
I’m grateful you found HGM. Those early weeks after discovering infidelity can be brutal. The words that helped me the most were (are): I’m grateful, and I am relieved to no longer be in a relationship with a person who would do that to me. Honestly, infidelity is a form of abuse. And being abused kills self-worth. No other human has the right to abuse me. I will stand up for myself, protect myself and live free.
You have an opportunity to build a relationship with yourself that transcends any relationship you’ve had to date. You are on the threshold of magic. I guarantee you that. Believe. Create it. Thank you for taking the time to comment. You have support here, C. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’ve taken this to heart and initiated stimulating, uncomfortable conversations with our kids. FYI, we’ve been married 31 yrs., together 33. The road to get here wasn’t always pretty, and it always involved looking into one’s soul and sharing that, the good, the bad, the ugly, with the partner. Many times we’ve been way, WAY out of our comfort zones but that was easier than settling or squelching our needs. I’m proud that we can show the kids (30 & 26, both single) ways to bring into a discussion uncomfortable topics (mostly what we’d like done with our estate, should we perish on a tandem bike ride or what to do with my clothes and jewelry and some such). Next is forming a trust.
We’ve discussed that trust for about 4 years. What’s holding us back? Fear. Fear of acknowledging our humanity & fragility. Fear of giving to the kids big responsibilities and maybe big tax repercussions. And the fear of giving up control….it’s almost inevitable…eventually we won’t be of sound mind to make the decisions that would best serve us and our heirs.
Still, we force/confront/revisit the tough conversations. That black wristband comes in handy. You don’t have to be a cyclist to understand “Harden the F*ck Up.” You do, however, have to do it. That’s what develops character.
Sorry to hijack the comments…the timing just seemed right. LY, C!
M,
Hijack away, m’lady. That’s what makes HGM so special. Your words, not mine. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you so much Cleo, your words are real and so loving. I should have read this post first thing this morning. You are amazing and it takes courage and a lot of self awareness to understand and accept the life journey we are in, and to even realize that the difficult moments will bring us more strength. Thank you for your guidance!
R,
Thank you for taking the time to comment, R. I’m grateful this post resonated with you. In the beginning it does take a lot of courage. But then something magical happens. Once you realize that the Earth will still spin and gravity still works, your hair didn’t catch on fire, and your heart is still intact, you will compassionately speak without fear. Because it’s what you deserve. We teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. Thank the kittens for that one! Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’ve always prided myself on my own honesty but I too was fearful in my marriage and could never articulate EXACTLY what I wanted. Since d-day I have said more of what I wanted to say to h than I did in the entire ten previous years. I call it my truth (thanks The Office) and now I cringe a little at first but just bust that ish out. What is there to lose? H is planning on leaving anyway. So what he’ll extra divorce me? He’ll extra want the OW because I spoke my mind? Well fk that! I’m NEVER going to not speak my truth EVER again! All it does is get you in bigger trouble!
This post really resonated with me. I know it was written last December and you may not even see this but I just felt compelled to comment.
I stumbled across this site about a week ago through a Google search. I don’t even remember what I was searching for… possibly marital advice. I found HGM, started at the beginning, and am just now caught up to mid December.
I am in crisis mode in my marriage. We’ve been in counseling for the past 3 years. We’ve discussed separation twice before, most recently 3 weeks ago. This most recent discussion involved logistical details. Where we would live, how we would co-parent, and even how we would deal with new relationships. As much as we brainstormed, we could not come to a satisfactory arrangement.
It all sucked. Divorce sucks. Staying in a miserable marriage sucks. The only option that didn’t suck as badly was “improve marriage”. So that’s what we’re trying to do. It’s hard and the reality is I don’t even know how to do it.
We had a doozie of a breakthrough during couple’s therapy last week and I’m still trying to process it.
A bit of background:
Emotionally, I’m the male in the relationship and he’s the female. I’m a problem-solver, he’s the philisophical type that likes to discuss everything to death… well, everything except the state of our marriage or how to improve it.
It came out during the session that he doesn’t think we have anything in common anymore. He tries to talk to me and then gets disgruntled when I don’t share the same opinion, then he shuts down. Claims he “tries to talk to me but I shut him down”. Because I don’t share the same opinion? I’m confused.
He also said that he develops feelings with people whom he can easily talk and share ideas, that these things “turn him on”. Both the therapist and I urged him to find hobbies or other outlets outside of the home where he can have conversations with people who share his passions. However, then I said, “Knowing that he develops ‘crushes’ and ‘feelings’ based upon discussions, I would have to feel confident knowing that he wouldn’t be seeking out these discussions with women.”
Yep, I hit the nail on the head. He said he’s been having the same concerns himself. That if he met a cute woman in one of his classes that shared his interests, there’s no knowing what might happen.
What?! I was floored. I was angry. So it wouldn’t matter if YOU WERE MARRIED???
Also came to find out that he never had these feelings for me. Ever. We never had a verbal, emotional connection to begin with. We had other connections, of course, but not the emotional connection.
Knowing this makes me sad. I didn’t “settle” in my marriage. The connection has been lost over time but, for me, it was strong and undeniably there.
I’m not sure where to go from here. It seems I’m trying to fix everything, I’ve ordered a few books, have been sending him articles to read with lots of good suggestions, and it doesn’t seem like he wants to put the work in. I know he doesn’t want divorce… but….
Sometimes I wonder if an affair makes things easier because at least there’s no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Having choice over the matter seems to complicate things. I don’t want to upend my kids’ lives just because we can’t see eye to eye, you know? We don’t fight and we’re content… just not connecting anymore. Is that grounds for divorce?
I’m rambling. Ahhhh, that felt good to get off my chest.
L,
I apologize for the delay in replying to your comment here but am glad we connected privately.
I’ve been pondering this comment and one thing in particular keeps grabbing my attention –
“It all sucked. Divorce sucks. Staying in a miserable marriage sucks. The only option that didn’t suck as badly was “improve marriage”. So that’s what we’re trying to do. It’s hard and the reality is I don’t even know how to do it.”
I feel strongly that when we’re in a fog and not sure how to do something it’s because it’s not what we’re supposed to be doing. How about putting a pause on working on the marriage and instead each of you focus in on your own being. Give it a month. Each day pay attention to you, what moves you, where life and nature lead you, what inspires you, how you feel about yourself. Look for magic. Spend each day falling in love with yourself. Leave yourself love notes. When you go to bed hold yourself. Sleep alone. Let go of the outcome and live fully present in this moment. Do this all without resenting the other or thinking about the other. Do this because to love yourself fully and deeply is the best way to be a present and loving partner for your spouse. Get back on your own paths – it’s okay that you are different people!
If your husband is developing feelings for people who share a hobby or passion, he is looking to fill a void that IS NOT created by you, but by him. The reverse is true. Spouses are not here to satisfy our needs but to celebrate with us as we take care of our own needs. 9999999999 times out of 10000000000, an affair does not make someone happy. A new lover does nothing but highlight a choice that clearly demonstrates a lack of self love.
Put divorce on the back burner. Shelve couples counseling – and maybe all counseling for a month. Just be with you. Get on the planet as much as possible. Put every activity that is not ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL on hold. You have a fantastic opportunity in front of you. Seize it. And stay close. I’m excited to hear about your progress.
Thank you for being here and for sharing your story with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Are you still writing with people… this is wonderful piece but just reading November 2017, 18 months post d-day. Still feel awful but breathing a bit better. Joining al anon helped and just trying to be kind to myself. Day by day. I will write longer if you are still replying or you can write to me at email below. Thanks for your words and wisdom. MM