I dropped Razzle off at the Mammoth Lakes Airport, begrudgingly. I wanted to kidnap her and keep her with me for the duration. As in forever. Her wonderful husband would for sure not be cool with that. So I had to let her go. We’ll journey together again soon. And for life. I’m so grateful to know her and to love her. A priceless being, that little Razzle…
I got out of that airport as fast as law would allow, for it was via eavesdropping that we learned that Tom Cruise was in the vicinity. I was totally not down with getting hives that day. Besides, I was on a mission to eat at a gas station. Not just any gas station, but the Mobil station in Lee Vining. (I received a tip via email from an HGMer. Love that!) As I drove into town I saw Mobil Mecca on the hill to my left. My heart longed for their fish tacos, but I had to check into my motel because the office closes at 8PM. Love that, too.
I was focused on the signs, but noticed the lake off to my right. Pretty, I thought. Nice lake. The town itself was cute in an accidental way. I was looking forward to spending a night alone in this sleepy little lakeside village. The main drag had a curve to it with the storefronts hugging the road. Down at the end of town, all 3 blocks of it, was Murphey’s Motel. With thoughts of “World Famous” fish tacos in my head, I focused on being efficient at check-in and she obliged.
As she handed me my key she asked, Are you a photographer?
No.
Oh. Well, it’s going to be a pretty sunset tonight.
We exchanged smiles, but when her head started to look like it was wrapped in a corn tortilla I had to grab the key and motor. As I reflected back on that exchange I drove right by the Mobil Mecca, catching a glimpse of packed picnic tables by the dozens, all nearly obscured by the cars that parked in the lot and on the street.
Whoa. This is no joke. I cannot wait to eat here.
I stayed in the left lane as the main drag turned into a highway. Up ahead was a U-turn. My stomach growled. I pulled into it and paused to check for traffic. Directly in front of me was a dirt road. Beyond the dirt road was a pink-hued, broad puddle of water that basked in the setting sun. I lost my breath a little. Then looked left toward my dream taco. Then ahead to the dirt road. I went left. And at the light for Mobil Mecca I pulled another U-turn.
I couldn’t resist.
Once I pulled onto the road I knew I had made the right decision. I’ll get tacos later, I thought. This sunset I cannot miss. As the road meandered above the lake, it became clear that this was going to be an epic experience. Cradled by the Sierra Nevada mountains, Mono Lake has no outlet to the ocean which makes it as salty as that last handful of crumbs from the bottom of a bag of tortilla chips. Something about freshwater and no outlet makes for a high salt content. You know by now that I am not sciencey, so hopefully that explanation will suffice. As a result of this odd eco-thing, spires of calcium-carbonate (you know I had to look that one up) rise up from the water like wet-sand crafted castle turrets dripped into being by the hands of children.
A boardwalk took me to her shore. When I stepped on to the sand I was so grateful I had come. This oasis, surrounded by a parched valley that shot skyward off in the distance, was the perfect warm blanket after a day of pushing my body hard. Tripods were set up with cameras atop aimed at various views, ready to capture the light as it changed its mood. Clearly this location was a major draw for those wishing to capture magic on film.
A few children chased birds and looked through view finders, pausing to dip their hands in the silky, salty water. And out in the middle of the lake floated a kayak cradling a person who had the most perfect seat in the house. Alone, drifting on a landlocked sea made of glass, warmed by a setting sun. I spent a moment feeling what that would be like and knew right then that I would be back. Alone. And in a kayak at sundown. One day.
I spent about an hour walking along the shore and marveling at the sculptures that rose from the water. Three times in that hour I overheard people describe Mono Lake as a scene from another planet. Four if you count my whispers to myself.
I’ve been blessed by the views of northern California for over a year now, but I haven’t gorged on nature’s body like this ever. Not ever. Although I have to say, Carlsbad Caverns is pretty flat out insane. But that natural wonder has a tourist attraction bent to it. My time in the Sierras was all about blurring the lines between me and nature. I felt like an extension of her being, not a paying guest. However, I did have to fork over $3 to park my car at Mono Lake. Truth be told, I would have kissed each plank on the boardwalk, too, if requested.
Since I arrived at Lone Pine, five days prior, I was in full on heavy petting mode with the planet. Each encounter seemingly hand-selected to meet my needs. From the warm-up hike where I dipped my toes into Chicken Spring Lake (Not the most romantic of names, but sparks would fly if I camped there.), to the mind-blowing summit of Whitney, to the bizarre and stunning Alabama Hills, to other-worldly Mono Lake. I could not ask for anything more from Nature. She pulled out all the stops to show me that this world, this life I am so grateful to have, is saturated with pure magnificence. I choose where to focus my gaze. Where to invest my energy. How to respond to challenges, embrace opportunities, shed fears and live fully. She gifts me with the full support of her most grand creations to nourish my soul and keep my body sound.
With the skies darkening, I began to walk back up the boards. I was overcome with emotion. I didn’t want to leave the lake. I didn’t want to leave the moment, the feeling I had inside just by being there. I sat on a bench tucked into some brush and stared east at the glowing mountains reflecting the last rays of the sun. Tears shook free from my eyes. I could hear footsteps and laughter coming up from behind. I turned from the path to hide my wet cheeks as the voices came closer. And then I heard,
Hi!
I looked over my shoulder and then down. Sitting next to me was a wee little gingerette in long shorts and a dirty shirt, evidence that she had a day of play. She swung her feet twice while looking into my eyes and then darted off to catch up to her family. I heard her father say to his wife,
We are a special family.
They held hands. Gingerette broke through the grip and became the link between the two.
I want s’mores, Daddy!
I was glued to my bench. Gripping it might be the more appropriate description. I felt my core curl on itself. I wanted to ponder the fact that I won’t have a Mommy Daddy campfire, that our original family is no more, that I failed my children. It felt natural to go down that road. I was already emotional, why not just run with it and have a good and hard ‘I’m never going to have that moment’ sob?
Because I needed something else more. To make her proud of me. To show Nature that I was worthy of her investment. That I was committed to letting go of the outcomes and living a joyful life in the moment. That The Genius’ betrayal would not alter my course or turn my heart cold. Instead, it was a gift that she was helping me to unwrap.
I conjured up scenes of the boys and me sitting around a campfire after sunset at Mono Lake, toasting marshmallows and spotting birds playing in the brush. We’ll be thick as thieves as we explore life together, sharing a love for boulder jumping and lake swimming, fly fishing and star gazing, story telling and dream making. And whatever else they come to love as they poke around the blue marble.
Those thoughts were much more satisfying than taking the bait of negativity, of lamenting what will never be.
Bait made me think of fish tacos. I took in a massive breath and one more gulp of the view before setting off for my car. As I drove back out the dirt road, birds played in my headlights, their eyes reflecting the light as they turned to fly toward me. I laughed with them as they flew in from the side of the road to have a little fun on a Friday night. They lightened my mood with every flap of their wings.
I was ready to eat.
And Mobile Mecca was ready for bed. The lights were off. The tables all cleared but for one. Three guys dug in to freshly served plates of tacos, having arrived mere moments before closing hour. I arrived mere moments after. No one inside dared make eye contact with me having stared into many disappointed eyes at this time at night, I’m sure. But I wasn’t disappointed. How could I be? Honestly, it would have been gluttonous. I was already full. By letting go of the outcome (my plan to feast first), my evening exceeded anything I could have crafted in my head.
It was time to return to my room alone where I could savor my remaining time at Mono Lake in solitude. The next day I would drive through Yosemite straight into an infirmary, complete with the discovery that The Happy Dance Chick had pulled a calculated move, no matter what The Genius says.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Maclaine says
An amazing sunset at Mono Lake and viewing eclipse on the most enormous tree ever? Unplanned? You love nature but I think it loves you, this stuff does not happen to everyday people.
Did you go to Bodie? Next time, you should check it out.
Keep at it, you are wonderful.
admin says
M,
I know I’m being led by her. I feel it, literally. Even when I’m alone I’m not alone. I’m going to make a point to talk to her often this week. I have some s…tuff to work through. I need her. It’s time for me to soar. Every thing to this point has been practice.
Bodie! How did you know…I plan to take the boys there before school starts. A good ghost town warms the soul.
You, m’lady, are wonderful, too. Clearly. Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Zeke says
The part about the Mommy Daddy campfire — and never having one again — really resonated with me. At age 45 my wife decided that she’s a lesbian. I wish her all the best, but her path means that our children won’t grow up in an intact family, and that’s something that I think is important. The kids, however, seem to have adapted fine thus far, so maybe it was more about my image of what a family should be than about something the kids really need. I don’t know.
admin says
Z,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I sense you nailed it. Letting go of outcomes was a big part of my Mono Lake experience, so the fact that this particular post resonates with you leads me to believe that you are spot on. I feel very much the same way. I thought that we would always be a unit, a work in progress, but always a unit. Then that changed…
At Mono I left behind the images, outcomes, woulda – shoulda – couldas in favor of what is. And you know what, Z? What is rocks. It doesn’t look like what you and I expected it to look like, but my boys show me every day that I am moving in the right direction. Their affection, smiles, love and care for me shows me that the design of my life is perfect. As long as I live an honest, compassionate, authentic life I will give to them what they need and they will return the favor.
You say you don’t know…but what if you did? What do feel? So grateful to have you here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Andrew says
You made the right call heading to the lake. The fish tacos are a bit over hyped.
admin says
A,
I’ll weigh in on that in a few weeks. Heading back out with the boys to play in the Sierras and finally nab a picnic table at Mobil Mecca. Maybe I’ll be swayed by another option?
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cock robin says
U will rock it around the camp fire with ur boys don’t even worry about what you thought the image should have been I feel the boys won’t be thinking about that. You will have them fire walking in no time! And you never know what’s around the corner so while your doing the old duck, duck, goose around that fire who knows what will sneak on up & grab you! Love you, Miss you
admin says
C,
Oh! A bear? A wildebeest? A man with a heart of gold? Precious metals are, well, extremely precious these days. I’m more likely to be pawed by a wildebeest. Which will make for a perfect future campfire story. You need to be there for that one. So happy to see you here, m’lady.
Love yourself,
Cleo
E says
The first few paragraphs had me laughing. I don’t now which earned more amused snorts: the idea of you kind of fleeing Tom Cruise or your comical indecisiveness. Then came the beautiful beautiful beautiful description of Mono Lake, which inspired a trip to Google for me. I have to thank you for that because the pictures I found are some of the most amazing I’ve ever seen. It really does seem otherworldly and so tranquil. I can see why it had such a profound affect on you.
Your encounter with the little red-haired girl was intense. Admittedly, my first thought was to the widespread tradition of viewing lakes as mirrors into the other worlds. Lakes (most bodies of water, actually) are traditionally associated with women and with healing. For instance, Celtic tradition has it that a mortal woman named Sinnan (Shannon) was looking for wisdom in a river/lake. She died at the river but was reborn as a Goddess, with the wisdom she was seeking. Gaining wisdom, peace, or rebirth of some kind is usually the result of these encounters. It seems your encounter was no exception!
An emotionally exhausting but fulfilling day. I’m sorry you didn’t get any fish tacos
admin says
E,
SO beautifully written! You just added a whole new layer to my experience. And you’ve given me much to ponder! Lakes have been markers in my life, prominent in many pivotal moments. Thank you for reminding me of that! I’m going to revisit those times and see what I can uncover.
Oh, I do love lakes. Thank you so much for sharing those words. Alas, I did go back to the Mobil station and the fish tacos are not gluten free. I hope they change that up soon.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Donna says
After being married for 32 plus years I find out that my husband has been texting and talking on the phone to a woman that I know He sent a text to one of the kids that should have went to her and then tried to say it was not him when I found out i went a little crazy called her it was sick she denied it also. he was on a trip at the time I thought we were very happy he would send me flowers all the time and do all the things that no other husbands do ,has done for 30 years but I think I knew something was not right because when he came home from the last trip right out of the blue I said did you email me or yur girlfriend first when you landed and had internet. I did not know where this statement came from and he just got mad at me. then about 3 months later he was leaving for another trip and the text came through he denied it and said I hope you do not think something is going on. The kids told me I need to start looking I had no idea where to look so they told me well 30 to 50 texts a day plus phone calls everday every night and he still says they are just friends we split for a month then got back together but I feel nothing but hurt and betrayal. I think the day I found out I stopped loving him, he has been on two trips since told me at one point 3 months after that I need to get over it before we can ever move on wtf me get over it there are days I truly hate him. We make love 3to 4 times a week I loved him totally and trusted him totally but that is all gone I just do not know how to move on but do not want to be with him. I not sure why am so scared because I basically have raised the kids by myself as he works away a lot. Now I wonder if this has been going on for years and I was just to blind How do you know it is done. He tells me he was not physicall with her but there are several times that do not add up. But I think and emotinal affair is harder than physical. He has told me they talked about everything our sex life and says he was trying to find out from another woman what was wrong with our marriage I wish he would have told me something was wrong instead of pretending it was great everyday and soon as I would leave he would text or call her says he loved me all the time he was talking to her Bullshit go ahead kick me again that is all I can say I can not let him touch me again. We still live in same house when he is home but I will not let him touch me again what should I do
cleo says
D,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. The strain of your situation is taking its toll on you. I’m grateful you found HGM. You will discover a lot of guidance in the words of those who comment here.
My guidance to you is to come back to you. Nothing else matters but you and the children. It’s time to get strong. Physically, emotionally and mentally so that you are in the best position possible to navigate this state of affairs. Until you have some key boundaries in place and identify your needs, limit the amount of interaction with your spouse. You will have a much greater chance for productive conversations when you are feeling strong and able to articulate your needs.
While the conversations will be intense, you will have a simple agenda: these are my boundaries, these are my needs and if you can’t meet them then we need to either seek counseling or end this marriage.
But first you must love yourself. Take the time to make that happen. And read on. Thank you for being here, D. We’re all here for you.
Love yourself,
Cleo