Today I flew from Los Angeles back home to San Francisco. I was in LA to reconnect with friends and family, to see a band I’ve loved since their formation, Garbage, and to give The Genius some alone time with the boys as he prepares to depart for the next 7 weeks. (I have to pause here to say that Shirley Manson of Garbage is massively talented and smokin’ hot. As in I’d marry her hot if I was the marrying kind.)
My trip to LA lasted for exactly 48 hours. In that time-frame I had dozens of encounters. Goodness, at LAX this afternoon I had 5 meaningful encounters alone. That doesn’t include the encounter with a woman last night who had lost her ticket to the concert (I had an extra – got massive karma points for that.), or the man who stepped in as I mangled my photo ops, taking my phone and saying, “You are missing too much of this show trying to futz with your camera. May I?”
“Yes, you may.”
Or the encounter with the cab driver who brought me back to my hotel after the concert. We made each other laugh, and when we said goodbye we looked deep into each others eyes and smiled a big, warm, glittery smile that said, Thanks for making me feel special even though I am just a fare, I am just your cabbie. I think of him now and get teary eyed.
Honestly, drought areas should bring me in for emergency water supply.
These encounters are different compared to those I had before The Pocket Call, back when I was in a relationship. I was more dismissive then. Polite, yes, but not so interested in a connection, more closed off. I didn’t value the power of an encounter. I didn’t give people (nature, animals) credit for being able to impact me in a way that was life-changing, memorable, rich, in the space of a moment or a few. I expected to get that from The Genius and our circle of family and friends, but I didn’t honor what a brief encounter could gift to me.
Spouses, lovers, family, friends – these are relationships that develop over time, morph and shift. They have beginnings, middles and ends, mainly as defined by us. We value them, and we also take them for granted sometimes. We push and pull them, we support, we use, we utilize, we trash ‘em, and we rebuild ‘em.
Encounters may often go unnoticed. Yet they are so ripe with opportunity for growth and joy that I feel compelled to sing their praises. I have to give props to R, who asked me to expand on this idea of encounters, how they are different from relationships, and why I am feeling the desire to move away from relationships and embrace encounters. Her question was this:
I hope you expand on this idea of ‘relationship’- why you are hesitant to call encounters relationships. Just curious, as someone who I am seeing, who has recently been thru a divorce feels the same way- I see a lot of similarities in the way the two of you think. Just curious about your insight.
R, thank you, love you, owe you.
I’m going to suggest that encounters be the new black. A very healthy place to begin exploring the world again after a betrayal. And perhaps the way to live life for the long-haul. As a method of reinventing the way your relationship unfolds. Which is what the person you are dating may be feeling as well, R. But I cannot speak for him/her. So I suggest you read this post together and let me know if I’m on point or not.
Tonight I arranged to meet The Genius and our boys out for dinner. I drove from the airport to the restaurant and straight into the arms of two very excited and happy muppets. I didn’t make eye contact with The Genius upon arrival, or for some time, actually. I have to admit, the first ten minutes or so in his presence is a real challenge for me. I’ve concluded that it’s because I don’t want him to think that everything is okay between us because it’s not. And it never will be again.
Tonight I decided that I was going to employ the same ‘encounter’ strategy that I used in LA. I was going to focus on connecting with my surroundings. To be open to whatever unfolded. To be aware. To engage. Not to judge. Or to expect a certain outcome.
It was so freaking hard.
But I let go. We talked. Mainly about ‘his world’, but I’m sure that’s not a big shocker. It didn’t matter though. Remember? Not to judge? I listened. I didn’t judge. I chose to put myself in a situation where I was sitting across the table from a person I do not like, yet have to engage with, and I just listened and responded. I didn’t judge.
I’m being repetitive because it was profound. So profound that he became emotional and said, “Thank you for…sigh, deep breath, reddening eyes (no tears…please…this isn’t the End of Days)…hanging out with me.”
Our interaction tonight worked because I treated it like an encounter, not a pit stop in a relationship. Once I got over the first 10 minutes of ‘Nice mullet, I can’t believe I have to spend the next 45 minutes sitting 24 inches from you’, I softened my gaze, allowed myself to make eye contact, and I let the encounter unfold. I stayed in the moment.
At the end of the night he felt fulfilled because he felt like he got to ‘hang out’ with me again. To talk to me as if I was his friend. I didn’t judge his desire to feel that way, and I didn’t alter my way of being to foil his desire. I was just me. I felt fulfilled because I got to ‘play’ with this exchange like a science experiment, putting into practice my ‘encounter’ philosophy. The children felt fulfilled because they got to see Mommy and Daddy talking.
For such very different and independent reasons, we all felt fulfilled.
Encounters, to me, are different from relationships because you never leave your own path in an encounter. Encounters exist without expectations. They don’t come with the same labels we slap on relationships. They don’t require us to think about the next step. While they technically have a beginning, they don’t have a back-story. They exist somewhere in the middle, and they can have no end. Encounters are about responding, not reacting. About living fully present in the moment. But mostly about staying on your path and feeling secure in the knowledge that the other person is going to stay on their path. Neither party is looking to derail the other. As Chevy Chase’s character in Caddyshack, Ty Webb, said to Danny, “I’m going to give you a little advice. There’s a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.”
R, all I can say is that since Sunday I’ve been the ball. And I have had nothing but positive, fulfilling encounters with so many people, lasting from a couple moments to a couple hours. Including dinner with The Genius. I could argue that was the most fulfilling encounter of them all. I think your paramour is on to something…
Love yourself,
Cleo
…As an aside, airports now make me salivate for flight time. I am aching to fly a plane again. I hovered near the open cockpit door for such a pregnant period of time I believe the attendants began to break out in a sweat, fearful that the redhead was unstable. I left the airport needing a thrill to focus on, so I’ve decided to swim from Alcatraz to Chrissy Field. Nuts, I know. But people do it. 1.5 miles. This is the stuff that gives me butterflies. I have to do it.
Let’s hope my only encounters are with humans.
Come to the airport at Burning Man. We fly, and we do encounters. Big time. You will heartily enjoy yourself.
Thanks for your blog, it is helpful all around.
M,
You made me laugh. Hard. “…we do encounters…” Yes, you do! I would love to come to Burning Man. But, a ginger in the desert for a week? Oh, my skin! Perhaps you can construct a ginger zone, where us fair-haired mavens and mavericks can play without threat of melanoma! And then we can go fly…
Love yourself,
Cleo
It can be done. I did it for years and I’m pretty Irish!
I’m actually writing to say, “whoa.” I know, pretty original. I’m 44 and just recently married my beloved partner of 8 years previous. His first marriage and my second. He is thoughtful, kind and generous, and I adore him, but of course we have rough patches. Balance, trying to run a business together (it’s as much work as raising kids, just about) etc etc. I am trying to integrate the “working on me is working on us” concept better.
I also realized why I was so drawn to your writing. It isn’t because of this relationship. It is because I am still processing residual bullshit from the last one, with the asshole who beat me up (and took what wasn’t his in numerous other ways). I don’t care about HIM, but I still question myself for how I could have been taken in, and why I let him get away with it (and even covered for him) for So. Damn. Long.
The man I am with now is a gem. I never thought I would get married again after a 14 year marriage (that I embarked on when I was 21 and didn’t know anything about anything) ended. We are still friends (or, friends *again* actually), which is great. But working with my friends to support marriage equality and meeting someone truly amazing, who I know would never cheat (because we WOULD talk first) changed my mind.
But I am STILL scarred from the other one, the Abusive Ex. And I want to learn how to drop it.
Somehow, I think I have come to the right place.
B,
Thank you. Let’s learn how to drop the emotional hurts together. They can stay for a little while to get the love they need, but then we have to send them on their way. By releasing the energy of hurt I am certain we will find more room for love, laughter and all around crazy, silly fun. It’s got to be worth the effort, no?
Love yourself,
Cleo
PS: I am so happy for you. You little bundle of inspiration!
Cleo,
There are so many gingers out there it will make your head spin. You are in more danger of getting sunburned in New York City than the Black Rock Desert. If you take it up a notch, and fly with the peeps at the BRC Municipal Airport,Encountering…well, you will experience something beyond belief.
M.
http://blackrockdesert.org/friends/about/us
M,
I’m there. You don’t have to ask twice. I have to fly. I have to live. I have to laugh.
Love yourself,
Cleo
One more thing, Cleo.
Watch this video: http://vimeo.com/38983558. Damien is one of the Black Rock City airport guys. He loves to take people up in his machine. During the Burning Man event, he gives the community about 50 rides a day, for the entire week.
You could fly with Damien. Youshould fly with Damien.
Swim from Alcatraz to Aquatic Park. Scale Whitney. Then come to Black Rock City and fly with Damien.
You will be transformed…
http://vimeo.com/38983558
M,
Oh. My. Damien. I’m there. Do I have to wait for BM? I want to do this tomorrow!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Yesterday, A.V. Flox posted your blog on Google Plus and I happened to find it. I spent most of last night and some of this morning, completely drawn into your tale and the snippet of your life that you are showing.
There is so much of your posts that I am taking to heart, especially falling in love with myself again – I think that will be the part I hold onto most.
Thank you for sharing. I am looking forward to reading more.
T,
Gratitude to A.V. for sharing HGM. I am very appreciative. And thank you for taking the time to comment.
“There is so much of your posts that I am taking to heart, especially falling in love with myself again – I think that will be the part I hold onto most.” You have intuitively grabbed a hold of the most important part of my journey. Falling in love with myself is the beginning, the end and all that matters in between. For without that love, I will not be the best parent I can be, and I will not be able to love another. I believe that in my core.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Great post. I know that kind of “encounter mode’ where you really connect with and notice each person as they phase in and out. It makes a difference. Your ex hubby SHOULD cry over his getting to have a few minutes with you listening to him!
C,
And he did. It’s sad, but he made his choices. I am not here to make him feel any better or worse because of it. I am here for me and my children and for all of you. And I couldn’t be happier.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hello Cleo,
I read your entire blog in one shot, yesterday. I’m behind you all the way. You speak of things no one wants to risk talking about (but we all need to), and for that I salute you. I too am attracted to what you term as “the encounter”. I am close to your age and I’m also a social worker currently in training at the end of my first year. It occurred to me that much of our training revolves around that first contact with a client. The training is based on the therapy model of Carl Rogers, whereby in order for a therapeutic relationship to begin, one must possess an “unconditional positive regard” for not only the client, but generally to everyone and everything around us. I think the same regard holds true for everyday encounters such as the ones you recently experienced. May I recommend watching a few of Leo Buscaglia’s talks/presentations? They are on You Tube. He was one of my first role models.
I’m Canadian, and I have a special connection to San Francisco/Marin County. I have not been there since 2003. I married a Californian man in 1998, and he passed away in 2003, at the age of 49. So, I have some lovely memories but also some painful ones as well. I hope to make it back soon to visit some of the places I did not get to see while I was there. About that swim you want to take… I did not think it was possible for anyone to swim from Alcatraz. Meaning, not allowed, and also an unsafe swim. Please, be safe. I like you, and your blog too much.
Often, my husband and I stayed at the beautiful “Inn Above Tide” hotel. The deck of the room was right at the water’s edge. The seals would float by on their backs. My husband would play the guitar…awesome view, fresh crab, California wine..we were together….ahhh…heaven.
So..Ms. Cleo..blessings to you in your healing journey. Love your way with words!
*Big Smile*,
Judy
J,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for sharing your thoughts on encounters. And for your very kind words.
I am so sorry to hear that your time with your husband was cut so short. J, you just made me think of something very important that I have to write about. It will be the next post. So be sure to come back.
I imagine it would be beyond crazy to swim the bay alone, which I do not intend to do. I am going to participate in an organized swim at the end of July, two weeks after I summit Mt. Whitney.
Because I CAN! And because life is too short. You know exactly what I mean.
Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
What is that organized swim? I’d love to sign up.
K,
Woo-hoo! Here’s the link:http://www.tricalifornia.com/index.cfm/ALChal2012-main.htm See you in the bay!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
A most excellent post but I must admit every time I read the word Encounter, in my head flashed the trailer for the movie Looking for Mr. Goodbar.
I keep seeing Diane Keaton in bad clothes with cheesy pick up lines.
So, thanks for that!
xx
D
D,
Anytime. You can count on me. That’s better than me lodging a Britney Spears song in your head, isn’t it?
Love yourself,
Cleo
Just stay off the Casual Encounters section on Craigslist, m’kay?
I love this encounter vibe you’re riding on. I call it a synchronistic connection…have had some seriously moving encounters with homeless people. (I’m not joking around for once!)
D,
And you know of that section because…??? m’kay takes me right to South Park. I need a South Park fix tomorrow for sure.
I, too, have had very interesting encounters with homeless people. Generally, anyone who is near opposite to me seems to provide for a highly rated encounter. Which is not surprising. We could have an Encounter Olympics!
Love yourself,
Cleo
I wonder if more people had “encounters” with their spouses that there would be more happier unions and less break-ups. Imagine if we came to our partners with: “To be open to whatever unfolded. To be aware. To engage. Not to judge. Or to expect a certain outcome.” What if we could be fulfilled like that in our primary relationships and not just with chance encounters. I think I’m going to practice this tonight.
E,
I really hope you let us know how it plays out. I’m so glad this resonated with you. I’m going all-in on the Encounter philosophy for good. It goes without saying that I’ll keep you posted on how it works for me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
D,
Thank you so much for your kind words and high praise. Wow. The Happy Dance Chick’s husband knows because I told him. Via Facebook. Pays to protect your profile, no? I have no idea where they stand. One of the most fascinating things for me is the fact that I have spent maybe a grand total of one hour thinking about her. Probably half that. I am not curious about her in any way. I wouldn’t have predicted my complete lack of interest in her. Odd. Worth contemplating.
Thank you for taking the time to write me and read HGM.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo, I came across your blog through the SFGate bit and read the entire thing in two days. I was sending you compassionate, strengthening thoughts throughout my engaging read. I think you are a great writer and hope you pursue your dream. I see a book in your future. Your blog post today spoke to my own desire to live in the moment more…guess many of us are trying to do this no matter what obstacles are in our life. I wish you all the best and look forward to reading more about your continued strength and peace in your journey.
Best,
T
T,
Thank you so much for your kind and motivating words! This whole ‘living in the moment’ thing is pure magic. Why I lean to the complex solutions to life’s challenges when something as simple as being fully present creates such lasting joy is beyond me. Simple. Simple. Simple. Cleo, be simple. Be present. Be silly. Be love. Thank you for stirring this in me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
PS: Consider it a done deal that I will pursue my dreams. It’s the least I can do for myself, for the boys, for all of you, and as respect to the Universe for all the gifts it showers upon me minute by minute.
Hi Cleo,
I just started reading your blog the other day and can fully appreciate everything you are going through. I went through a similar situation – the self-absorbed ex-husband being the most similar part – about 10 years ago (he moved out then 9/11 happened and work was intense, it was a bad week). Anyway, I went through many similar revelations and thought I’d share a few of the things I always tell a friend going through the divorce drama (and for what it’s worth, I wouldn’t wish divorce on my worst enemy):
1) Date yourself: get to know yourself by spending time alone doing fun things. Go to the movies alone, dinner, go dancing, horseback riding, be creative (write!) whatever. It helps you figure out what you want/need. Most of us coming out of this were drowned in the sea of ‘the other 1/2′ who actually was more like 7/8 of the relationship.
2) Be balanced, take advantage of opportunities (which you are clearly doing…yay you!!) but don’t run away. You need to face the ugly monster head on in order to learn/heal/grow from it. Otherwise, you are likely just delaying the process. I love that you are doing all this!
3) Remember that when you are angry at him, it does not affect him. He does not feel it. Only YOU do. So as hard as it is, try to choose to change the anger into doing something positive for yourself (like your encounter). Only you suffer by your anger, nobody else does.
4) Feeling pain is better than feeling nothing at all.
I have since remarried and the most critical thing I did that led to being married to a brilliant man was my ‘list’. Yes, I made one and I stuck to it. This time I married the MAN that I needed and wanted. He is truly wonderful and though marriage is never easy, we both work to make it great. He is truly a gem and I am very happy (rare, I know). I don’t say this to gloat in any way, more just to reiterate that we need to know ourselves before we can have a truly balanced and fulfilling marriage. Don’t be down on marriage, it can be wonderful!
That being said, I REALLY appreciate this post on encounters. When I was single I definitely (unconsciously) took advantage of encounters on a daily basis. That is harder when you are married, but recently I realized that it is something I need to do (though I didn’t define them as such yet). I have recently been focusing on those and feel that it contributes to me being me and enjoying life. Encounters help me thrive. Thanks soo much for defining them for me and commenting on why we should take advantage of them.
I look forward to hearing more as your story unfolds. You are clearly taking full advantage of your gift and I’m sure you will continue to grow and evolve. Stay awesome!
G,
I am crazy about geckos and your words of loving guidance and support. I am going to start My List this week, inspired by you. I’m actually going to create two lists. One that focuses on the characteristics and traits I need in a person with whom I spend committed, intimate time on the Blue Marble. The other list is going to focus on what I need from me. I need both. Thank you for the kick start.
“Encounters help me thrive.” Yes, they do! I’ve upped my love for them so much that I’m actually going to block out time to make them happen like I do for my hikes. I am enthralled by what is accomplished during an encounter by being so alive as to not let a moment slip by me.
It’s epic. And I will stay awesome. There is no other way. As a matter of fact, that’s going to be NO. 1 on my Me List. Stay Awesome.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m posting this for K:
I first saw your blog last Christmas. Just the first entry.
I couldn’t read anymore. Here’s why:
I had just broken my own heart.
It was the first time I had ever done anything like this –
I went out with a married man. (I was single and had not been in a relationship for
7 years.) “My” guy was a traveling man like yours. He lived part of the time in the apartment next to mine. He lived part of the time in Europe. And he traveled constantly.
In my case, I never really expected what happened to happen.
He loved his wife. He loved his boys. He loved his family.
And I am not THAT type of person, to go out with someone who belonged to someone else. I hadn’t even been in a relationship for 7 years. I was not that kind of woman to be with a man at any cost.
We hung out as friends. We talked constantly about our children, his wife, his
travels, his career.
We started hanging out. Becoming friends.
I was new to California. He knew it well.
Ten months into the friendship, things started to change.
I saw it happening and tried to stop it.
But we ended up where we shouldn’t have.
Terrible, terrible what we did.
I never wanted to cause pain to another human being and yet I brought pain to his wife. When I tried to end it, he wouldn’t let me. And then of course, what I was trying to avoid, happened. She found out and she was terribly, terribly wounded.
She blamed me. I accept responsibility for my part in it all but I wonder if he ever fully accepted his part.
I gave him advice on how to save his marriage which meant of course, we could never be in contact again. You are writing your way out of your pain. I am painting my way out of mine.
So there you have a part of my story, My Giant Mistake.
I hope you and your boys are doing fine and little boys are more caring than we
realize. I hope you find as much joy in your sons as I do in mine.
“When I tried to end it, he wouldn’t let me.” I find this disingenuous. How can you end a relationship when the other party does not want to end it? Simple–ignore the phone calls, emails, texts or whatever other form of communication. Sure, I believe K wanted to end it. But her “needs” and “desires” (to be with her Genius) over rode that very basic of all girl codes (though shall not sleep with another woman’s husband). She had to wait for the wife to find out.
G,
“When I tried to end it, he wouldn’t let me.” I trust K will ponder this statement. It’s a window into the role her affair is playing in her life. I support her efforts to get to the bottom of why this happened. Why do we do things we KNOW aren’t supportive to our journey? I’d rather cure that dis-ease before cancer. Then turn my sights on the big C.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hello Cleo and THANK YOU! I’m living in parallel — hubbie cheated, lied and left me with two young children about 8 months ago (and I live in the Bay Area too…something in the water perhaps?). A friend sent me a link to your blog yesterday and I read all of it in one sitting. And now I don’t feel so all alone. I know this shit happens everyday but when it’s happening to you, it’s so personal and so isolating. So thank you for sharing your story.
When I found out my guy was cheating (also with a married woman with children), I used trusty old FB and sent a message to her husband. Like you, I thought he deserved to know. Everyone deserves to know the truth and then they can do with it what they will.
I admire your ability to see this as a gift and am trying to do the same. Looking forward to your next post…
Best,
-SP
S,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and share your story. SO many parallels. I hope that the next parallel is the one where you and I are filled with love, joy and excitement for the very next moment in our lives. And the next moment. And the next moment.
I felt very isolated after the Pocket Call. It was absolutely surreal. One day I’m married, the next day I’m closing on a house that The Genius and I will not grow old in. (I will. He’ll have to grow old somewhere else.) I was in a very fuzzy, off-kilter, crazy place. I look back on it now and I can’t believe it all happened.
Then all these beautiful people, yourself included, started letting me know that they knew my pain. And they got my humor. We come here and read, write and laugh together. Men, women…happily married, those that aren’t. And that’s why it’s a gift. This is genuine. Clearly, my marriage was not.
SO glad you are here. Don’t go far.
Love yourself,
Cleo
c
i just realized you sign ‘love yourself’ to everyone! now i don’t have to feel so self-conscious! ;o) as in, ‘gulp, is she sensing something in me? in something i said?’
the swim from alcatraz ain’t too bad, especially if you wear a wetsuit. you’ll need to work up to about an hour of swimming nonstop in your workouts to have a fairly enjoyable time. lots of time to think. and get some open water swims in ahead of time if you’ve never done it before. it’s a bit more unpredictable than the pool. and colder. and there can be some jostling and running into other swimmers if your in the middle of the pack.
as for encounters, you are absolutely on the right track. we humans are social creatures. we fill up from our encounters with others. they can come in big doses from your kids or your friends, or in small doses in the kindness of strangers. it can be as filling in the giving as in the receiving. we can even get it swimming with a whole bunch of other crazy people on a saturday morning!
let’s love ourselves,
s
S,
I am so loving you! And I’m psyched for my swim. Although leave it to Mr. Jackpot to tell me of his concern for all that swims beneath the surface in the bay. I had him all in as my tandem partner until he remembered that he wasn’t ever that into open water swimming. It was at that exact moment that I remembered that I wasn’t into open water swimming. (Except in my 20s when we would head home from some club in the Hamptons, eat our leftover hamburgers and then head to the Atlantic to swim in the pitch black surf at 3AM.)
Hate it when that happens. When mortality stands up to bravery.
But I’m going to do it. I’m a bit scared now. I almost can’t imagine walking in to the water. And what the hell is going to happen when I’m halfway between here and there with all that water underneath me? Hopefully I’ll swim efficiently. And swiftly. And safely. And without having a panic attack. If I am overcome with fear I’ll just pull out some of my old synchronized swimming moves and wait to be rescued. Where did I put my Dippity-do?
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow.. thank you so much for responding to my post and so thoughtfully! So so much resonates, so much I need to think about. I will discuss it with him. However I really do understand what you are saying. That idea of love as distinct from possession is so challenging in practice. Even though I believe in it as a reality/ as a theory, I am still working on the practice:). Thanks again. So glad you are doing so well. And LOVE hearing about your mom’s support! (I’m catching up on your week:)) xox
R,
“That idea of love as distinct from possession is so challenging in practice.” Wow. Thank you for putting that into words. That is exactly what I needed to hear tonight. For me to love again and be a positive influence in the life of another, I need to continue to follow the Encounter Philosophy. I’m glad you found my response helpful.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, are you certain that you arent me and that “The Genius” isn’t my ex? I, too, lived in the Bay Area prior to my divorce.
I, too, disliked my ex for many reasons, not the least of which were his multiple affairs, many lies, and the generally I controlling, manipulative behavior. Somehow, I still cared for him and couldn’t understand that about myself. Well, it is 26 years later, I am still single (never wanted to marry again — it was an all around unpleasant experience for me and I never wanted to chance that again!) and, at 74, unlikely to ever be again. My children are grown and living their own, busy lives down in the Bay Area. My cats (who adopted me) are my family now and my roommates, also.
Advantages? Not having to please and serve someone else, Disadvantages? Loneliness. So what? Nothing more lonely than an unhappy marriage. So, now, in addition to my furbabies, I have a brand new, very beautiful, granddaughter. I also have lots of friends, some of whom know my “whole” story and some of whom don’t. I like it that way…
M,
We’re soul sisters, M. The vision of my future that seems to feel more real than any other is one that has me alone. Lat night I had a realization – I play follow-the-leader, with an aim to please. So, if somebody needs me, I’m there. How can I assist? How can my presence make your experience better? Sounds polite, no? Perhaps. But what it feels like to me is that I am looking outward instead of inward. I am doing for others because I don’t know how to do for myself. Sure, doing for others feels good, but only when in balance.
I need to please me, M. Maybe we’ll be a little less lonely because we have HGM to come to to connect. Thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. I felt the connection as soon as I opened your comment. Stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, are you certain that you aren’t me and that “The Genius” isn’t my ex? I, too, lived in the Bay Area prior to my divorce.
I, too, disliked my ex for many reasons, not the least of which were his multiple affairs, many lies, and the generally controlling, manipulative behavior. Somehow, I still cared for him and couldn’t understand that about myself. Well, it is 26 years later, I am still single (never wanted to marry again — it was an all around unpleasant experience for me and I never wanted to chance that again!) and, at 74, unlikely to ever be again. My children are grown and living their own, busy lives down in the Bay Area. My cats (who adopted me) are my family now and my roommates, also.
Advantages? Not having to please and serve someone else, Disadvantages? Loneliness. So what? Nothing more lonely than an unhappy marriage. So, now, in addition to my furbabies, I have a brand new, very beautiful, granddaughter. I also have lots of friends, some of whom know my “whole” story and some of whom don’t. I like it that way…
M,
Furbabies! LOVE that! And love you for taking the time to comment and share your wit and wisdom with me, with us. I believe we are walking on a similar path. And I wouldn’t be shocked if I moved in next door to you, heard you call your cat a Furbaby, and realized that we met here at HGM and were meant to be friends. I think I will like it that way too. Stay close, M. I imagine you have much to share.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Love your blog. Spent the last hour reading it. I’ll teach you how to swim better if you need help.
S,
Thank you for loving HGM and for the offer to make sure I get across the Bay in one piece. Oh, wait…you didn’t go that far. I am for sure going to need help with my stroke to be able to avoid the complete embarrassment of having to be lifted out of the water and carted to shore like a wounded seal. I haven’t even begun to think about my training. So much to do…so many mountains to climb.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I live here in Marin and teach at the JCC in San Rafael. Anytime you want to come as my guest and have a lesson — on me — get a hold of me at my swim blog, http://www.squidkid.org.
Sorry for the plug, but seemed relevant!
S,
I am so taking you up on that! Thank you. Very sweet. I really do want to do this swim. How am I going to fit it all in? One step at a time up Whitney and one stroke at a time across the Bay.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you thank you thank you for this post – I’m recovering from a few major betrayals in the past year and am gingerly (no pun intended) feeling my way out again. Encounters is the perfect way to think of it – a friend of mine told me to be open to any messages from the Universe. Freakking-a it is HARD sometimes! But damned if my extrovert half is going to let me wallow.
WERQ sister
J,
So glad this resonates with you. It’s a wonderful way to walk through life. I need to do it more consistently. Let’s do it together.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hey Cleo,
Wow—-you rock! What a story so far! You’re incredible and your writing style is so awesome! I LOVE your sense of humor. And your guts! It took courage to start your blog.
Want to share this—–2009 was what I call my Chicken Little year. So many crappy things happened to me and I thought the sky was gonna fall on my head next! First, my boyfriend cheated on me for two weeks before he broke things off with me. He said he “lost interest.” A few months later I learned that the research job I had was going belly-up. I had worked with my company for 13 years. About a month later, I found a lump in my breast—it was cancer. Lost my boyfriend, my job and my health in a three month time frame!
I didn’t know what to do first.
I’m here to tell you that I lived to tell the tale and I rose from the ashes! I love to write too and I kept a journal through the whole mess. I also published a children’s book in November of 2011—a dream come true! I started to write another children’s book, but instead found myself writing about relationships and break-ups. I’ve had five major relationships over 25 years—and a few minor ones too—-I’m a resident expert on the subject and feel I should share my wisdom! Do something positive with the painful experiences. Make lemonade out of lemons. The writing has kept me sane and helped me to heal. After that crazy year in 2009—and especially the breast cancer experience—well—it changed me profoundly. I don’t procrastinate. I live each day to the fullest. Publishing the children’s book was a huge blessing that came out of those dark days. A silver lining.
I have to tell you that I’m in a—I hate men and men suck phase—and I’m scared because I’m not sure I’m gonna come out of it this time! It’s been nearly three years since I’ve been in a relationship—I’m way too scared of getting hurt again. But I’m falling in love with life, with writing, with my job, with people. So, I get what you are saying about those encounters. It’s what I live for these days!
You hang in there girlfriend! I will stay posted…
Janine (from the bay area too!)
J,
I need a better word than inspirational to describe your tale. Whoa. Look at her go! She made her dreams come true. And now she is “…falling in love with life, with writing, with my job, with people.” You know what that means, don’t you? You’re probably about a hair’s width away from colliding with a beautiful soul. Not that you need to, but because you are ready to embrace one.
Keep at the encounters. Those delicious little morsels of time when we open ourselves to the opportunity to connect with another.
I am so proud of you. And so motivated to create my own dreamy reality because of what you have achieved.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Ok, I am sitting here crying after reading your response. Thank You! It means a lot to me. So, Cleo—-don’t shelve any more of your writing! Put it out there baby! You’re talented and you need to show the world! The woman who wrote ‘The Help’ got turned down 60 times—who knew? So, don’t let opinions get in the way. When I do a book signing—this is what I write: Always dream, and always believe in yourself! This is what you are living now through your writing. This idea of dis-ease that you mentioned—wow, did that ever resonate with me! I can drive myself batty with trying to figure out why I got breast cancer—-but I am pretty certain that prolonged stress was part of it. Besides numerous relationships tanking—which you know is very painful—I also watched my only son do stupid things—-drugs and some other stuff—-for nearly a decade. He started young at 14 years old. The good news—-he has been doing awesome for more than three years! I am eternally grateful for that because I know it could have turned a different corner. However—the prolonged stress took a toll on my body I think. So, I agree with you—it is imperative that people try to control their stress as much as possible. My prognosis is good—but the cancer experience is why I don’t procrastinate. None of us know how long we get to hang out on the big, blue marble. Anyway, that’s why I published the children’s book—I had written it back in High School—and I thought—what am I waiting for?! Believe me, it took balls for me to put it out there—-and sometimes I thought “what am I doing?”—-but it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life! BTW—my mom is a ginger and 86 years old. A firecracker and my best friend. She dislikes all my ex’s! I am her almost-red-headed-child. I am auburn—I don’t know if that qualifies for a ginger…I also am an avid hiker and, of course, you know I love to write. I feel like we’re sisters from a different mother! Take care of yourself and keep falling in love with those encounters!
J,
Such beautiful words. And such grace and determination! I can learn a lot from you. I believe auburn qualifies as ginger. Consider yourself a member of the club.
I am, therefor I write. Stay strong, healthy and centered in your world. And thank you for your kind words.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Wanted to add a couple more thoughts…
First, your ex sucks! He’s a slimy, pond-scum-sucking worm! There—I feel better getting that out! I want to say something—and this is a guarantee—karma is going to come around and chew his ass to pieces! I think people who cheat love the thrill of something new—they can’t resist it. Adrenaline Junkies are like that. So, your ex starting seeing what’s-her-face because it was new. New and shiny. Ok, so they’ve been going at it for four years. Not as new—but—still kinda new because they didn’t get to see each other all the time—-because they were both living a freakin’ double life! I’m guessing that they are seeing a little more of each other, now that they’ve been unearthed—like worms. So, you watch—-their gig won’t be so new anymore and your worm-of-an-ex will be saying “Gee, the grass really isn’t greener on the other side!” And you’ll be watching karma play out on the big screen with your popcorn and coke. Amen.
I can say this with confidence because I’ve been watching it on the big screen with my own ex. I’m not a revenge kind of person—-but I gotta say it’s very healing.
Enjoy the movie!
J,
You, me and popcorn. But first, we have to use a different species other than worm. I LOVE worms. I made a whole sculpture of them in an art class in college. (Mom, Dad, your money is being well spent. The last two weeks I have done nothing but make worms out of clay. Not much different than the free grade school I attended, accept this class probably cost a couple grand.)
I have a feeling it will play out for The Genius exactly as you have described. But, regardless, it’s not my world anymore. I am on a different plane. A very beautiful, honest plane. Loving it. Thank you for being here with me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
OK, no more worms. I can live with that. But I liked the whole analogy of your ex and her being unearthed like worms.
What else is unearthed? Ants. I kinda like ants. How ’bout dog poo? That might work…
J,
I like ants, too. That’s not a fit. I’m going to let you ponder this one on your own. I have faith you’ll find the right analogy. Go forth…
Love yourself, and all really cool insects…
Cleo
Dear Cleo,
Oh, the Pandoras Box you have opened in my world. I didn’t realize until reading your blog that I have been building (over many years) a bitterness toward my husband’s mistress. A mistress I actually live with: Ms. Depression. She’s in my house, in my life 24/7 and I can’t get rid of her. I never saw her as a separate entity, but she really is. And she’s a bullly. Her influences are many: she makes him sulk around, he sometimes act like a mouse in a house full of activity (children, dogs, etc), is showing up in anxieties within my children, and in general casts a dark shadow over what should/could be a brght time in our lives.
I love my DH but I feel no love toward her.
I’m looking for and gathering strength from your words and realizations as you take your journey. You have a beautiful healing blog, thank you for sharing your world and I will continue to work on mine.
Ange
A,
Thank you for taking the time to read HGM and comment. Depression is a big issue. It must be very challenging to be compassionate and centered when it’s as if an outside entity is living amongst your family. I love that you have embraced her as a separate being in your household. Unfortunately, it’s not as if you can embrace her and send her on her way. She may not want to go like our emotions so often do. I hope that you are in a position to seek help for you and your husband. Do not delay. I’ve learned that time and again.
We’re grateful to have you here and our support is with you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
“nice mullet, I can’t believe I have to spend the next 45 minutes sitting 24 inches from you.”
(here is where I submitted a crying/laughing emoticon, but the powers that be told me that my post was offensive and wouldn’t let me submit, so just try to imagine it’s here)
man. You’re hilarious!