In early April, as The Genius was readying to depart on his trip, we sat down to go over his schedule.
“I have a week off in May and I’d like to spend it with the boys. I’ve ended my sublet since I’ll be gone through August. I’d like to stay here.”
There’s not much I’m sure of these days, but I am absolutely certain that I cannot spend a week in my house with The Genius. I’m a capable girl, but that’s like asking me to fly a plane cross-country with ten-thousand arachnids, sans cages. Not happening.
“I’ll make plans to be out of the house and you can stay here with them.”
“Thank you. I really appreciate that. I want to take every opportunity I can to be with them.”
No problem. I was excited to plan a hiking trip where I could really amp up my training for Mt. Whitney. And I knew that a break would do wonders for my spirit. I could take some much needed down time to ponder while I explored this beautiful coast, alone. Totally alone, except for the encounters. I expected to have many. I pictured myself driving north to see the massive Redwoods and Fern Canyon, bringing my fishing pole to see if I could snag dinner from a stream. Basically I wanted to tap into my inner Grizzly Adams.
I told Mr. Jackpot of my plans and he offered an alternate option.
“Come to Oregon with me. We can stay in Yachats (Ya-HOTS) on the coast or go inland and not see a person for days while we hike the forests.”
Loads of people need a break more than me, and Mr. Jackpot is one of them. Routinely putting in 70 hour work weeks in a very demanding job was taking its toll. I felt it would be great for him, super fun for me, and an opportunity to see the coast with someone who really appreciates nature as much as I do.
“I’d love to go to a place called Yachats. Let’s do it.”
By mid-April the plans were made. Mr. Jackpot secured a house to stay in Yachats, and we would pit stop on the way up to hike Fern Canyon. I was stoked. I hadn’t taken a vacation in eons. And to take one with Mr. Jackpot? He was born to be my kind of tour guide. He can identify every bird, bug and plant – edible, poisonous or root grafted – known to man. He can probably put up a tent and start a campfire simultaneously, all while purifying water. He is faster and stronger than me, able to leap boulders in a half-bound. People pay large sums of cash to have a person like Mr. Jackpot lead them on an adventure.
We looked forward to creating a holiday where we could each decompress and process some of the muck we’ve been stirring up on our own and in each other, and get blown away by Mother Nature. I hear the coast of the Pacific Northwest is brutally beautiful, and I was going to be there in less than 30 days.
Everything was moving along in pristine fashion. Until I texted The Genius on Wednesday, April 25th, to confirm his arrival time so we could plan our departure, 30 days after he asked me to vacate the house for him.
Dates are changing on me still. I have 8 meetings during that week now. Trying to plan it.
Gee, Genius, when were you planning on letting me know this? I was furious. I couldn’t tell if my chest was exploding inward or outward. He casually tosses out there, only when asked to confirm his arrival time, that the dates are changing on him. No phone call to say, ‘Hey, I’m really sorry about this, but I may have to be gone the week I asked you to leave the house. Have you made plans? Are they set in stone? Is there a way we can work together on this?’ None of that. Just what you see above. Which I read as:
‘Dear Puppet Girl, You are under my direct control. I run the show, still. I’ll clue you in as I see fit. Too bad for you, eh?’
I was Puppet Girl, on strings held by the hands of someone who betrayed me. Unsettling, to say the least. I came home and told my Mom, tears welling up in my eyes. But I held it together, picked up the boys from school, and made it a great day. Because bad days suck.
I had crafted a dozen pissy texts to The Genius, but late that afternoon I called him.
I want to talk about our texts this morning and my trip. I didn’t feel good to find out that your dates had changed only because I was double checking what time you were coming. I wish you had told me sooner.
I only found out about it last night.
I could have guessed he would have said that. I told him that my dates were fixed and plans had been made. That it felt like he wasn’t taking into consideration that I have an actual life to lead. Without using these words, I conveyed that I am not his nanny, here to schedule as he sees fit. He asked me to vacate the house and I made plans to do so. So instead of just dumping it on me that the dates are changing, how about calling me and saying, ‘Hey, I’m really sorry about this but…’, or ‘Is there any way you can change your plans?’ I finished with, “You’ll need to alter your schedule to make it work.”
His response? Where are you going?
It got heated from there. It really bothers me when he asks me what I’m doing and with whom.
I’m not really sure why that matters. What I’m trying to express to you is that it’s unfair to just assume that you can cancel my plans without even consulting with me about it. It’s really important to me to have this time away.
I’m not canceling your plans. You must have misunderstood me. I’m doing my best to not miss that week with the boys. And if I have to miss some of that time I will make arrangements to have the boys taken care of. You misunderstood me.
I didn’t misunderstand him and I had his text to prove it. At that moment I felt my Observer Self looking down at me from above, hovering over my car with x-ray vision. I saw my legs, my left hand pressed against my ear, my right hand stretched out on my thigh. I was looking straight ahead. And I was relaxed. Back in my body I felt kind of shimmery. Like I was softly vibrating. My peripheral vision felt goat-like, but my eyes were soft, holding a natural gaze. My whole being downshifted. I became gentle.
Your tone is condescending. I did as I was asked to do, yet you’re treating me like I’m the one who created a problem. It doesn’t feel good. This is something that has happened before and I really need it to stop. Let’s not treat each other this way. It just complicates our ability to communicate.
“I’m sorry. I should have called. I’m really sorry. Let me see what I can do, but keep your plans. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”
We ended the call and I pulled out of the lot where I was parked. No more than 100 yards down the road the shimmery feeling returned, only this time it was near orgasmic. I caught my breath and smiled at the sky.
Thank you. That felt so good.
I worked through a challenging conversation about how I felt I was being treated by The Genius, and I didn’t become untethered. I didn’t have the presence of mind to invite my Observer Self in at the beginning of the call, but shifted to her vision halfway in. So, 1 point instead of 2. But I took stock of how I was feeling and then re-grounded myself in my body. Then I asked for what I needed and within seconds it was granted.
Holy arachnid. It felt like I just ran an obstacle course designed by the Universe, in a stadium under the sun, and I executed it perfectly. It wasn’t about winning, it was about finishing without getting hurt and then feeling good about how you finished. I felt good. So good I buzzed. And the stadium roared with approval.
I thought of the bird. How he got hurt but fought through the pain to get to shore. I thought of our gentle encounter, and how his hard work was rewarded by a little unexpected companionship. And, yes, nature took its course. It was sad to see him gone. I am just so appreciative that he helped me to see that amazing things can happen just on the other side of pain.
Later that night The Genius sent me a text.
I will arrange for what I need in coverage. Please advise as to your departure time and return expectation when you can so that I can plan accordingly. Thanks.
It’s like dealing with a computer. Departure time and return expectation? Certainly, Robo-Genius.
I was elated to be going to Yachats with Mr. Jackpot.
But apparently I had other plans…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Good for you for making your feelings known. Well done!
D,
And now consistency is the key!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Love the language. Love the control. It’s so hard to do. I feel you. I also feel like I am struggling to get myself through these discussions with just a quarter of an ounce of dignity. It’s so easy to fall back on snappy remarks. But that gets old and futile. Bravo for plowing through to create a new communication path. It’s inspiring. To not be the same old rat, that is, running through the same old maze and totally surprised the same old dog-doo greets you at the end.
S,
I can toss a dagger with the best of them. When you have a talent, why not use it, right? Well, I’m learning now that I gain nothing by allowing my emotions to run my conversations.
The best feeling was the buzzy, shimmery, physical confirmation that I had accomplished something big. Because on the face of it, it was just a simple conversation. But we hadn’t had one that moved through pain to productivity in years.
Thanks for taking the time to comment. So great to know this resonates.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow. You really did well. I had an opportunity this morning to take the tiniest step in that same direction, and I did it. Very difficult. Again, you did a great job.
C,
Yay! It is difficult, but I bet you felt like you were glowing. I’m proud of both of us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Way to go, recognizing your emotions and managing them and coming out on top. Your comment regarding “…not about winning…” describes how I feel about my bike racing. Thanks for that succinctness. Well done!
D,
Thank you for taking the time to give me a high-five. Love that! Today I have realized that I’m spending more of my time naturally looking within, instead of proactively focusing myself on looking inward. I think you’d call that muscle memory, no? Now if only I could get my stomach to remember what it was like in high school… Race on…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Welcome to Divorcing The Jerk. My ex was a jerk during our marriage–once it ended, the games around child care (pretty much on me, despite my full time job) used to drive me bonkers!
One of the last straws before the breakup was one morning my child had another fever (she was sick ALL the time! but is healthy now….). I was usually the one who took off from my job to stay home. But, that day, I had a very important reason to go to work!
He said, “Oh, I can’t stay home. I have a MEETING.”
I said, “I have a meeting too. With SENATOR DIANNE FEINSTEIN.”
HIS schedule ALWAYS trumped mine in his MIND. Sheesh.
Last year, my daughter graduated from high school and The Jerk ensured that I–Ms. PTA Mom Herself!–was excluded!
Oh, and he married my next door neighbor.
I have moved since and live with 2nd grade crush guy and life is wonderful!
Who wants to go to a graduation anyway? (I did; it hurt.) It astounds me how some of these men will put the children in the heat of the battle. Sucky.
Love you Cleo! Love me too!
J,
I smell narcissism. That’s the only trait that I know of that would have a person use a child to get back at another person. It’s unnecessary, wrong, and destructive. Blech.
2nd grade crush…that is awesome. There is something to be said for staying close to home.
“I have a meeting too. With SENATOR DIANNE FEINSTEIN.”, Jackass. (I had to add my own ending.)
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Since I began reading your blog, I feel like I am questioning so much of myself, which is a good thing. The one thing that continues to strike me is the communication. I’m in a long term relationship with a man much older than me. We’ve lived together for 3 years, basically the entirety of our relationship, and let me tell you communication has not always come easy (but you know that!). I resonate so much with you. I feel like you’re my fairy godmother haha, leading me in the right direction (and yes I would TOTALLY move in with you, or at least go hiking with you). Your accomplishments in what could have been a very infuriating conversation with the Genius are inspiring to someone who experiences that “shutdown” so often. I do it all the time, every day. I tell myself it doesn’t matter or “I’ll just tell him how I feel next time”. I deserve better, we all deserve better and you are showing me that one post at a time. By the way, thought I’d pass along the book A Course In Miracles… A journey I think I’ll be embarking on this summer- might be interesting to you.
A,
Not only is questioning (I see it more as ‘exploring’) yourself a good thing, I’m finding it’s also a blast. I look forward to when I’m in the car alone and can take the time to ponder whatever comes. It was on such a ride when I took a long look at how I was approaching conversations with The Genius and, now that there’s nothing to lose, of course, I changed it up. What I once would have called ‘giving in’, I now see as being willing to stay through the hard part with the goal of making it a productive conversation in the end.
“I tell myself it doesn’t matter or “I’ll just tell him how I feel next time”. I did the very same thing, time and time again. And it contributed to the failure of my marriage. Relationships can exist with poor communication, but why just exist? That, to me, is the ultimate failure. Especially because it is communication, the encounters we have with people, that make living on the blue marble so exciting. So it’s about time I made it a priority to improve my communication skills.
Now, onto this Fairy Godmother stuff. I am down with this. I have never fancied myself a big-bustle dress kind of girl. I want to update the whole Fairy Godmother look. I’m thinkingthis Tom Ford masterpiece.
Thanks for the reminder about A Course in Miracles. Have not read it, but will get it on the list. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh the Tom Ford!!!!! AMAZING. And I have no doubt that you could seriously rock it. I just started with A Course – I’ll let you now how I fair!
A,
Please do, and is that not a drop dead dress? I so need to wear that…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo,
Like you, I am a 46-year-old woman living in the Bay Area, with 2 sons, who found out in August 2011 that her husband had been banging someone else for the past several years… what are the odds, right? Our stories diverge after that point, but I won’t elaborate because what I REALLY want to say is — WOW! Amazing! Fantastic! What an inspiring, epic communication success you had! Please allow me to be among the roaring crowd of the Universe here — the fact that you were able to turn that conversation, the one we have all had many times over with our spouses, into the incredible success is became, and to get what you needed, that’s proof that it can be done! You have uplifted all of us by attaining and then sharing your success — thank you. I follow your story with eagerness and the hope that all of us can change our lives for the better…
Well done, Cleo!
Much love,
E.
E,
Thank you so much for such an awesome cheer! I felt it!
What are the chances? I’d like to think it’s just you and me. But I wouldn’t bet on it.
I’m glad that my description of the conversation resonated, that I was able to convey it. Wasn’t easy because it was all so subtle.
And, yes, I did get what I needed, but not what I wanted. You’ll have to stay tuned to find out more. Which I hope you do. So grateful to have you here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Have a great week, you deserve it.
I love reading your post. You are a true inspiration. I wanted to share one of my favorite quotes: “Life isn’t about waiting on the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
Katie
K,
I don’t know if you are local to me or not, but the very next time it rains in Marin I am going to go outside and dance in it. So if you look out your window and the drops are falling you will know that I am dancing.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s so simple. If we all learned how to ‘dance in the rain’ we’d be so much more joyful. And less stressed. Probably have better sex, too. That’s a bonus.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Way to go on standing up for yourself!! Regardless if your plans were going out of town or staying at shelter…he needs to respect your boundaries and keep his end of the commitment up! Good for you!!
J,
Thank you m’lady. It felt awesome.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I think it’s awesome you held your ground about not changing the dates of his visit. However, a word of caution. If he is AT ALL passive aggressive, please make sure you have back up child care arrangements. If I had that exact conversation with my ex, I can almost guarantee that he would proceed to text me 48 hrs before he was supposed to take the kids to cancel (and that’s only bc my divorce decree requires 48 hrs notice). It’s taken nearly two years post-divorce for my ex to grasp the fact that the more he screws around with me, the less flexible I am with him, and he STILL has to be reminded of this every now and then.
J,
Stay tuned. It doesn’t turn out as expected. I got what I needed, not what I wanted. Which is always better in the end.
Thank you for your kind words. Helps me to power through my day.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am that you made the decision to write this blog. I was introduced to it yesterday and could not stop reading, its as if you looked into my soul and put into words what I could not. The similarities in our situations and the inner struggle to find the self that was lost so long ago is uncanny. I am a 43 year old woman, have two teeneage boys, would have been married 18 years this summer, live in Sonoma County, and in October 2011 learned my husband had been screwing another woman, whom he’d been cultivating a relationship with for the past 2 years!!!
Words cannot convey how much comfort your blog has given me. For the past six months I have been struggling to find the girl in me that I lost so many years ago…in fact its been so long I didn’t even know where to begin looking for her. I literally had no personal boundaries (Ha! I say “had” like I’ve actually set some…that’s a work in progress) and over the years watched myself disappear more and more everyday. I was ready to accept that this was an acceptable way to live my life…what a sad thought.
With that said, I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for opening up your life and being so honest about your struggles. I doubt you will ever truly know how much insight and peace of mind you have provided me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I can’t wait for your next blog.
L
L,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I am so glad you found us here at HGM. Just as it helps you to have this blog, it helps me to have you reach out to me to let me know I am not alone. That others can identify exactly with what I am experiencing. That if I ever needed to ball my eyes out or get guidance I only need to come here.
No matter how challenging this experience is, no matter how lost I sometimes feel, I know that gracefully moving through this pain and heartache will leave me a richer, happier person. I am so grateful to have that realization.
Happiness is there for the taking. Stay close, m’lady.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow. I found myself getting angry on your behalf when I read The Genius’ “You misunderstand me” comment. Brava for keeping your cool, keeping it adult and re-enforcing the lesson of keeping a cool head and keeping it to the issue at hand despite his bad behavior (and what I think are deliberately manipulative) communication skills.
Your exchange hit a note in me – I have to confess that I have a tendency to get VERY condescending/icily-scathing when put in a situation like yours. (Which admittedly does not always help). I love how you remained firm and clear in your response. And so quickly and cleanly let him know of what you needed.
Thanks for this – I needed to read it today!
J
J,
Thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to share with us here at HGM. It was my virgin experience with that kind of adult conversation. Yay, me! Sadly, we’ve had some super challenging exchanges since. But I know what’s possible. I just have to be graceful enough to create it, time and again. I, too, think he is manipulative, but he would say that he is being manipulated by me. So, in an effort to be brutally honest with myself because I am not going to waste ONE SINGLE LEARNING OPPORTUNITY, I am going to sit with our recent exchanges and see what role I played in them getting out of hand. But first I am going to paint my toes.
Keeping cool. So ultra cool.
Love yourself,
Cleo
So totally random, but do you watch RuPaul’s Drag Race at all? Painting your toes reminds me of something Latrice Royale (a contestant this season) said when addressing bullies, “Fall, make mistakes, but get back up again – looking FIERCE – and make them EAT IT.”
Looking forward to your next post!
Warmly,
J
J,
The only reason why I’m certain I have a TV is that I hear my son watching The Wild Kratz. I just seem to never make it in there at night. But I’m all about looking fierce. I want to be able to bounce a quarter off my bum (I’m pretty sure I could if I could get the angle down) and be as fit and healthy as possible. With painted toes, curled eyelashes and a stroke of raspberry on my lips.
Sweet.
Love yourself,
Cleo