Sometimes gifts come in interesting packages, not looking like gifts at all. Maybe the wrapping is askew, or they’re not even wrapped. Or the gift itself doesn’t feel like it’s for you, but just something grabbed at the last minute or re-gifted to save time or money. Maybe the gift is something the giver wanted, and assumed you did too, like ultra-smelly body lotion that has you fainting before you can rub it in. Perhaps the gift is the betrayal from an affair that spanned years, planned to continue on forever only until it was uncovered. Because of a Pocket Call. (I will never tire of typing those two words.)
Well, I’ve got my thank you notes out because I am delighted to have received just such a gift. Two actually – betrayal and divorce. One was wrapped in four years of my life, covered in pictures of two people in love, babies being born, holidays celebrated, kisses shared, tears shed. The other wasn’t wrapped. Although the bills from the divorce attorneys would have done the trick nicely.
Since I’ve opened those gifts, my life has been like the snow in a snow globe that is attached to one of those machines at the paint store that shake the can until it’s contents are perfectly blended. There have been days when I haven’t been able to point to the sky, unsure of whether I am upright or not, feeling like I am surrounded by haze, clutter, fog, snow falling from all directions. A disorienting white-out that won’t let up.
And then I have days like today where I feel so fortunate to be alive, to be here on the blue marble, experiencing exactly what I am meant to be experiencing. Even though I still feel disoriented, it’s not from upheaval but from a great shift that is happening in my core. In my heart. A shift that is occurring because I am not afraid of it. I welcome it. And once that shift sees the mat that says, C’mon In!, you better make room because that shift sure knows how to move.
Today I meditated on a mountain top after climbing 800 nearly vertical feet. My heart stopped beating out of my chest almost immediately. The warm, dry breeze cooled my arms, the sweat from my climb evaporating before my tenth breath. I settled in more swiftly than ever before, allowing my mind to drift off and take its thoughts with it. A man approached who I had passed on the trail earlier. I could sense him quieting his steps and grabbing the collar of his dog so she wouldn’t disturb me. I opened one eye, and because I was sitting on a rock on the ground, I was able to look under his broad-brimmed hat and saw his face for the first time. He looked just like my father. I squeezed my eyes shut but the tears still came as if shot from a super soaker. Then I heard in my being:
“Don’t be afraid. I’m here and I’ve never left you. This was meant to be. I am so proud of you.”
I let myself cry.
The tears slowed quickly, replaced by a vision of two girls, both me. Ageless, but one was acting awkward, like a teenager. Unsure of where she fit in, how to stand, where to look, what to do with her hands. She was floating in space, but her eyes were locked on mine trying to draw me to her. I stayed put. I just watched.
The other was at ease, hanging off to the side but fully taking in the scene unfolding in front of her. She was draped in sheer layers upon layers of white cloth that softly fluttered around her bare body. She didn’t express any desires or feelings. She didn’t smile or frown, but had a remarkably serene expression that emanated from her whole being, not just her face. I could sense that she knew not just what was happening right at that point in time, but that she knew all. She was so at ease. At peace.
I looked to the other me and saw pleading eyes. She stood, her shoulders rounded toward the ground, her hands loosely clasped, propping up her chin as she stared up at me, her gaze never wavering. I felt she wanted me to reassure her. Let her know that I wasn’t going to leave her alone. That she could stay.
I felt a shift in my center. A vertical shift. The area between my collar bones and my hip bones split in two, in a gentle, liquidy way. The two halves rotated slightly so that both girls were looking at me while floating in these halves, side by side. I smiled. After a long minute the awkward me turned and walked off towards the bay.
It hit me like a cow patty. She didn’t want to stay.
She wanted to be let go.
That was enough for me for a day’s meditation. You could have knocked me off that rock with the sac from a pregnant spider. (And I am NOT Googling that for you.) I came to and felt a good burn in my legs from the climb and a nice buzz from a well-placed sit. I’ll be sure to meditate on the mountain again soon.
As I descended I thought about writing this post and my thoughts turned to Mr. Jackpot. He’s been M.I.A. And by that I mean our nearly daily phone calls have trickled to once or twice a week. We haven’t seen each other since he took my mother and me on a tour of western Marin and Sonoma counties, finishing the day at a sublime restaurant in Graton named Underwood Bar and Bistro. That’s at least three weeks ago, maybe four. That same weekend was our epic night at Stinson Beach.
We had a tense exchange at the end of the night, after dinner at the Underwood. I didn’t pay attention to the fact that he was exhausted and wanted to go home. Plain and simple. I reacted, he reacted and neither of us did so with maturity. We talked that through over the next few nights, bringing up the triggers from our past that creep into the now. They were helpful conversations. But then I had to bail on the holiday to Yachats. It’s not been the same since. I sent him a text earlier this week letting him know I had his cell phone charger and could mail it or leave it at his house. (My mom, hilariously, packed 3 apple chargers in her luggage. She has one iPad. She took her own and then decided, the more the merrier, and swiped mine and Mr. Jackpot’s too.) Haven’t heard back.
I expected us to have less frequent contact because he’s been working like Ryan Seacrest lately. He has no down time. But this feels different. For the last few days I have been wondering what’s up. It nagged at me that I was doing that. As if it was wrong to wonder why someone’s behavior had changed. I settled on that thought, dodging lizards disappearing into rocks that scattered the trail as I made my way down the mountain.
After a few minutes I felt the sensation of the shift again, the presence of Ease Me, with Awkward Me off in the hills east of the bay, still walking. I experienced what she would do in my present circumstance with Mr. Jackpot in a blurry surge of images. A phone call perhaps, a “Have I done anything to offend” conversation, a repair job on the bridge that connects us. All things she might have tried. Not one of those actions resonated with me at all.
As I neared the end of my hike I zeroed in on a simple idea. Maybe Mr. Jackpot going M.I.A. has nothing to do with me. And I should do nothing about it. Just let it be. I am simply playing a role in his life, as he is in mine. That role can morph and shift at any time. That’s the beauty of an encounter. It’s not fixed. It has no structure. That’s what I love about it. That’s what I need right now. Maybe not always what I want, but what I need.
Mr. Jackpot is doing exactly what he needs to be doing for himself right now. Whatever that is. Maybe my actions – the terse exchange and the bailing on Yachats – did have him retreat. But even if they did, that’s what they were intended to do. Mr. Jackpot needed to retreat and I assisted in that endeavor. I needed to leave The Genius and The Genius assisted in that endeavor. We all play roles in life. My aim is to focus on the lessons/morsels/pay-offs of the vignettes that make up my journey and less on the ‘action scenes’ that comprise them.
This realization is about more than simply allowing things to unfold organically and looking for the growth opportunity. It’s really about respecting the roles that people play in my journey, and being respectful of the role I play in theirs. Not making it about me when it’s about them. And not making it about them when it’s supposed to be about me. Then things truly will unfold organically.
The flutter of Ease Me’s dress caught my inner eye. I turned my gaze to her. She had fully moved in. She sat on a white pillow, all serene and blissed out. She looked at me and I felt her say,
You’re growing up, m’lady. You’re growing up.
As I write this tonight, I know exactly what my next ladylike move is going to be. You’re starting to get to know me by now, so it will come as no surprise that it’s a massive one.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Great post, Cleo. I have been trying to live in the moment and allow encounters to happen, instead of trying to lead them the way I feel they are supposed to go. It’s hard to break out of something you’ve been doing for 30+ years, but each day it gets a little easier. I can imagine it was hard to resist calling Mr. Jackpot at first, but I too think you’re doing the right thing. He will come back to you when the time is right for both of you.
Thanks again for being a lighthouse while I try to navigate the waters of the New and hopefully Improved Me.
C,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. And for being here. It was a little hard at first, but I had a much easier time discerning what I needed to do for me. Which, I believe, is also the right thing for me to do for Mr. Jackpot. I hope that makes sense. I trust he will always be a friend in my life. I’m excited to know that I need not know more than that right now. It’s so unbelievably freeing. I’m extremely grateful to have arrived at this place. Yay!!!!!!
Lighthouses mean so much to me. I can easily imagine living in one, writing away in my tower. Growing my hair like Rapunzel. I’ll keep my light on for you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You met an angel. Lovely.
E,
I did, E. I did. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Best. Post. Ever.
K,
You are too kind. Thank you. I just replied to someone saying, “I hope the enormity of what is going on inside me is translating to the post. It’s big.” And it is. Massive shifting. I just sit at the keyboard and let it all rush out. I’m glad it resonated. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
This is a lesson to tease you. The test being, Are you going to do what you’ve always done … and thus get what you’ve always gotten? And you derailed that. Good job.
Don’t worry about Mr. J. That’s the test. You’ve going to be tried by the universe to see if you can put to action all that you are discovering, and that’s why this is happening. It’s actually a compliment that the universe thinks you’re so ready. You stopped and smelled the bait. You stayed still. Good. Let it pass on. Don’t control. Don’t fester. Just let it unfold. You’ll be in a better place and head space all the while, one that is not so attached to outcomes.
S,
I am committed to putting to use all the gifts I am receiving. I am excited by this new ability to see how it all works here on the blue marble. I feel less like a ping pong ball and more like a kite.
Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow. So very proud of you. So incredibly beautifully written. I saw this the other day and it resonated with me and made me think of you:
“I am seeking. I am striving. I am in it with all my heart.”
Keep going. I’m a few steps behind you and you inspire me.
P,
Thank you for your kind words. And for the beautiful quote. It resonates with me as well. So much. When I put my whole heart into living this gift of a life I feel that gratitude from the Universe. It fills with joy. And to know I inspire you? Well, that’s like vanilla ice cream with warm peanut butter sauce. Divine.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’ve just been turned on to your blog by one of my best friends that lives in San Francisco and I’ve read it all today. I connect with so much of what you are saying and have recently begun my own journey to figure out who I am (mom, career woman, woman etc. and you and I are very close in age). I think you are doing amazing work with yourself and I give you huge spider egg sacks for opening yourself to us as you are – for taking that risk. I’ve just begun reading the book “The Saint, The Surfer, and The CEO” and so far a lot of what I’ve read mimics some of your own personal discoveries. I look forward to joining you on this journey. Love yourself. Two words with such power.
I’ve just been turned on to your blog by one of my best friends that lives in San Francisco and I’ve read it all today. I connect with so much of what you are saying and have recently begun my own journey to figure out who I am (mom, career woman, woman etc. and you and I are very close in age). I think you are doing amazing work with yourself and I give you huge spider egg sacks for opening yourself to us as you are – for taking that risk. I’ve just begun reading the book “The Saint, The Surfer, and The CEO” and so far a lot of what I’ve read mimics some of your own personal discoveries. I look forward to joining you on this journey. Love yourself. Two words with such power.
Cleo,
My mother used to say,” Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it!” She had a way with words. And she was right.
Often in life when we try to control outcomes, the outcomes are not really what are best for us. It’s hard to let go, for example, when someone we care about doesn’t e-mail us back, or call when we want them to call, or wants a different path in their life that devastates us.
I think as women we frequently feel that the actions of others must be our fault on some level. In reality, when a spouse chooses to leave, when a friend decides to put distance between us, it really says more about them than it does about us.
When we step back and let life take its own course, we are freed, in a sense, to find peace simply in what will be.
Glad for you today,
peace,
benny
P. S. The time here is 7:59 pm. My last post showed I wrote to you after midnight on May 2nd. I am never up that late. It was about 7 pm on May 1st!!
B,
You midnight oil burner, you! My blog time is set to GMT. Messes me up too. I’ll attempt to fix that once I figure out how to fix my broken RSS feed! The tasks never end…
“When we step back and let life take its own course, we are freed, in a sense, to find peace simply in what will be.” This is where I am now, thank goodness. I am better able to know what supports me and what is an old habit that needs to shift, move on. It’s really exciting. I never knew I had it in me.
And now that I know the best results come when one is in the flow, I am more confident in letting go. I believe that, because of how I am choosing to live, I will be supported along my journey in massive, beautiful ways.
SO very grateful. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
GOD BLESS YOU, CLEO. This is so beautiful a blog that I know I will be re-reading it many times. Thank you so much for all the energy you put into your feelings and the blog. Stay under the umbrella of trust in your intuition – very important in keeping your mind, soul and body open to what will be best for you and your family.
With greatest admiration,
Rosie
R,
Thank you! The best part about intuition is that it can be honed. By trusting in it I can be free to know that I am moving in the right direction. When it feels right, it is. I’m grateful that I have come to know, to feel, when I am working against the tide. And I’m excited to continue to develop my intuition – it opens up a whole new world here on the blue marble. It’s so much fun to be alive, no?
Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
As I was driving an hour out of town for my daughter’s soccer game last night I was listening to Kelly Clarkson’s “Stonger” and thinking about how it relates to you. Once again today I thought of you when I watched a video about the Power of Vulnerability from my beautiful friend, actress Gigi Rice. It is the best 20 minute investment you can make in YOU today! Enjoy.
M
As I was driving an hour out of town for my daughter’s soccer game last night I was listening to Kelly Clarkson’s “Stonger” and thinking about how it relates to you. Once again today I thought of you when I watched a video about the Power of Vulnerability from my beautiful friend, actress Gigi Rice. It is the best 20 minute investment you can make in YOU today! Enjoy.
M
As I was driving an hour out of town for my daughter’s soccer game last night I was listening to Kelly Clarkson’s “Stonger” and thinking about how it relates to you. Once again today I thought of you when I watched a video about the Power of Vulnerability from my beautiful friend, actress Gigi Rice. It is the best 20 minute investment you can make in YOU today! Enjoy.
M
M,
Fastest 20 minute video ever. I truly enjoyed it, felt comforted by it, and know with whom I must share it.
Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
That video…!!! It’s everything I know to be true set out in irresistibly funny and human ways. Thanks, Cleo, for rocking my world (again).
“If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?” — RuPaul
D,
I’m beginning to think you ARE RuPaul! Ha! Even if you’re not, you’re still deliciously unique and wonderful. So stay close because it’s more fun when you’re here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I must say I am a little disappointed in Mr. Jackpot.
K,
The story is unfolding as I type. I am posting some comments I have delayed so I could get a handle on the situation. Yours is one of them. So up it goes and stay tuned. It’s going to be fascinating.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo,
I’m crushed…..
We have been good companions to each other and along the way enjoyed many enlightening moments. I’m leaving next week on our vacation alone. It was at your request that the week be a vacation together. Backing out of your own week was unfortunate. The meals, transport, accommodations, hikes, side-trips, visits from friends and family, unbelievable surprises (fishing for salmon), and other appropriate vacation week activities are all scheduled and taken care of. Many of the events have been cancelled and many more left open ended.
SSSS (super secret sacred spots) i.e. the restaurant in Sonoma County are hard won spots that over the years have always delivered during good times and bad. The very fact that some of them exist is rumored in only the most revered circles. To know that you can take your mother (everyone pay attention here) “your Mother” and know that she will have a spectacular time without the slightest hesitation is like my favorite precious metal “unobtanium”. To wantonly share them with the “genpop” (not you fine humans of high regard following this) but without being able to control the potentially viral spread of such things they can be stomped to death in their own success. We have all been to the internet right?
My last comment is about contact. The eighty and ninety hour weeks taken up in the month leading up to our now cancelled vacation have taken their toll. Contact is sparse for a reason. The pie pan that I created a gluten free pie for is gratis. (glass pie dishes around my zone go away really often and thankfully they are less expensive than the pies in them). The apple charger has already been replaced and need not be returned. The time with your avian nicknamed sweetheart of a human being/oh my goodness I would never want to be on her bad side especially around Easter mama was a highlight of this last five years. We will talk soon………..
mr. jackpot
Mr. Jackpot,
Thank you for taking the time to comment, to connect, to share. I will bring the fine humans here up to speed on our most recent interactions in Wednesday’s post.
I have learned so much in the past week about respect, open communication, and empathy. I’m grateful to have you, a person I trust, to guide me through those lessons. We have been good companions. It’s not always been free and easy, but it has been enlightening. We’ve been excellent teachers for each other.
When fully present, the Universe delivers what we need. What we want often pales in comparison. I hope your needs are fulfilled.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Gotta say it’s a little uncomfortable seeing this exchange on your blog. Just seems a little too personal between the two of you.
– K
Gotta say it’s a little uncomfortable seeing this exchange on your blog. Just seems a little too personal between the two of you.
– K
Gotta say it’s a little uncomfortable seeing this exchange on your blog. Just seems a little too personal between the two of you.
– K
Gotta say it’s a little uncomfortable seeing this exchange on your blog. Just seems a little too personal between the two of you.
– K
K,
I have to laugh! Too personal…as if to date this blog has been just scratching the surface! But I understand what you are saying. I felt I had to post it. He took the time to write it, and I’ve committed to being as brutally and beautifully honest as possible.
K, you better stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I hate to break it to Mr. Jackpot, but said restaurant is hardly super secret, but it is super good.
J,
That’s exactly what I told him. So, our agreement is this: If it’s on a guide book I can blog about it. He says I should still use discretion so that the discovery of such places is left to chance.
I’ll take it case by case. Only thing better than the food at Underwood is the people watching! Maybe you’ll see me there one day.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I had to get caught up here because I missed about two weeks… you are a very strong woman, you just had to get to that point where you realized it yourself, I am at that point right now, it took me almost 7 months to get to this point… I also had the same pattern when it came to *love* sad thing is I repeated my mistakes, and it was about a week ago as I am going through major health problems, that I stopped and went *what the heck you doing…. you are making the same stupid mistakes as you did with hubby #1 and then #2….heres hoping if I make it to number three he is the charm! LOL, I actually got to the point of anger… FINALLY…. I had to stop wallowing in my own pity because it was depressing…. even for me.
My chiropractor has become my five minute every two week therapist LOL… he said that he was happy that I have finally realized that I allowed X to have control over my emotions and actions with out really being there, I scoffed at him, then realized that yes, I really was allowing him to control me well, I got angry enough finally to say STOP…..and that no X is not going to come home as he is delusionaly thinking he is doing….
I have started to take positive steps to make me happy, I have started to exercise… started to think positive thoughts, and have not allowed X to intimidate me as he is good at doing… I do not egg him on when he makes sexual innuendos …. I am happy to finally place myself back in the drivers seat to my own happiness.
I thank you for taking the time to write in your blog
so many friends can relate to you in so many ways from one thing or another, I have passed on the blog weblink….. your blog is showing we are all human and that we are all faced with trials and tribulations…its how we choose to deal with them, that is the question… and will we allow that to dictate our future happiness? I have chosen not to… 
thank you ever so much, I appreciate your honesty hugs! how are the children coping with the change?
Another beautifully thoughtful post. Im wondering, are the Genius and The Happy Dance Chick still together? Did she have kids? I wonder if her husband is someplace thinking the same things you are….
~L
L,
They are still together as far as I know. I don’t expect that union to come apart any time soon. But I also don’t expect it to last. She has two daughters with her husband. I can only hope that this experience has been as beneficial for him as it has been for me.
Thank you for being here, L, and for your kind words.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Im really sorry, but I have to disagree with all these other posters. I do want to preface it by saying I have read your blog from the beginning, I love it, and I think your writing is brilliant. I think you are a remarkable woman.
But, deciding to just ignore Mr. Jackpot and “pretend” its all about him and has nothing to do with you is well, selfish. Im not saying you have to go begging him to pay attention to you. But whats wrong with letting him know you care, letting him know he is missed and that you just care about his well being?
Part of the problem with a newfound spiritual growth is that we let the pendulum swing way too far to the other side. We spend years ignoring self, so of course when we start paying attention again, it sometimes can come at the expense of others, we become selfish and its all about us 24/7.
Canceling on Mr. Jackpot and the trip you had planned? Oh yeah, I can definitely see how he might have been hurt and angry. What about his wounds? Perhaps your canceling on him felt like what ever has happened to him in the past? Arent his feelings valid enough to want to work this through? At least give it a try? After all hes done for you?
Deciding to just let it go and let him deal with it on his own? I think its beind defensive and selfish. Sorry. But I do.
K,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I truly appreciate your appraisal of the situation unfolding between me and Mr. Jackpot. You will see soon that you are spot on in some areas. A few are misses, however, in my opinion. I definitely am not ignoring Mr. Jackpot, nor am I pretending it has nothing to do with me. I’m also not rushing in to save the day, or make everybody feel better, or fix the situation. I have learned so many things over these last few months, and one of the best lessons learned is that it’s disrespectful of me to swoop in and try to alter someone’s path.
During the time when Mr. Jackpot was M.I.A., I respected his pullback by not getting in the way of it. I did check in a few times via text and phone, but when those messages weren’t returned I had to respect his need to be alone. A woman will say, I need some time. More often than not, a man will say nothing. His actions speak for him. I would have preferred some upfront communication – hey, work is crazy or I’m pissed at you for cancelling – but I’m learning it’s not always necessary. It’s important to discern what is happening when words aren’t spoken.
I see giving him the space to deal with ‘it’ on his own as being respectful, not selfish. He needed time to process and when he was ready to speak to me…well, I’ll let the next post bring you up to speed.
I’m hopeful that you will continue to share your thoughts on HGM – I love your perspective and the way you express yourself.
Love yourself,
Cleo
i love this.
S,
It loves you right back.
Love yourself,
Cleo