It’s exhausting, pretending your spouse isn’t cheating on you. But that’s exactly what I had to do. I had to pretend nothing was wrong. I had no actual proof, and he was not offering any. Even though it would be ludicrous for there to be ANY other explanation for The Pocket Call.
For five days I told no one what I had heard. I spoke only to myself about it, and those were some crazy conversations. I tried to get the hotel to release video to me. No dice. Of course. He and his computer were halfway around the world so no snooping there. I had to simply wait for him to come home to move forward.
I lost my touch with the English language. I butchered about every fifth word. My brain was in tatters. My children could feel the intensity boiling around me. I was really working hard at maintaining an even-keel, but inside I was wound so tight I got hemorrhoids. Now my head, heart and ass were aching.
This wasn’t going in the right direction.
I had to pull it together for me and for my children. They had both just started school, Daddy went away, and now Mommy is really tweaked, and Halloween is coming! I want to be a gory zombie…with a gun! And, as all this was raining down on me, I was smack in the middle of launching a new business with a partner I had known for about 6 weeks. In an industry I know, basically, nothing about.
Entrepreneurs see opportunity, ask questions later, and fear not the unknown. I felt like I had a grip on everything going on in my life except my relationship with my husband. I had no clue what was going on there. Is he leading a double life? Is he at ALL who I think he is? What if there’s another family? WTF is going on here?! This guy is totally lying to me! I was gorging on a buffet of unknowns.
I had to adopt the same entrepreneurial game plan to this crazy situation – see opportunity, ask questions later, and fear not the unknown – and see if I could avoid getting swallowed up by the massive, dense fog of heartache waiting for me to curl up in the fetal position with a dark chocolate-and-tequila drip and Adele playing in the background while candles spit wax on my favorite black suede boots.
I called my friend, Barbie-with-Brains, and told her about The Pocket Call.
“What a douche nozzle.”
I love her. I laughed for the first time in days, and I immediately felt lighter. It was not overwhelming joy – say, a happy dance or anything (HER preferred celebratory extravaganza), but it was noticeable enough to make me crave more. BwB gushed over me like any fabulous friend should – you are amazing, you’re beautiful, you’re smart…actually her words were, “You are do [SIC] smoking hot and sexy and funny and brilliant. He is a dumb ass!!!!”
I didn’t agree. I knew that I had a hand in creating this situation. We were both dumb asses. My biggest mistake was not writing in a side trip to Argentina for me so I could take on a Latin lover, but I have to take credit for writing a lot of the script. Yea, I have a lot going for me ( I don’t know that I can live up to anything BwB said), but our relationship clearly has cracks and I made my fair share. I’d hoped they were on the mend. I don’t know why though. I had no proof there either.
But proof wasn’t going to be my problem.
Is this fact or fiction? If it’s fact, you are one strong and funny woman. I’m hanging on the cliff waiting for the next post. Hurry!
JaGitW-
Thanks for taking the time to comment. I’ll be back at the keyboard tomorrow night. It’s fact, sad to say. Although on one level I am so glad this happened to me. You’ll understand as I continue to write my story. Please stay tuned…
Don’t leave the keyboard EVER! This is fantastic!!!
As you requested, I spent the last four days building a completely contained studio around my keyboard so I never have to leave. I’m not sure how this will affect the rebuilding of my relationship with my husband however. There’s only room for one in here…
Had I not found out, I would have been the second family. We discussed when I would get pregnant and such.
What’s hard is that what I struggled with is not the disgustingness of those plans he was making with me, but my feelings of loss over the child I had planned to have.
I also later found out my therapist’s husband’s grandmother (still with me?) turned out to be the second wife in a double life scenario. She had kids with him and her marriage wasn’t legal. She packed up her kids and life and left when she found out.
I would have given anything to sit down and talk to her about her feelings so i could have someone to relate to, even though her situation was so much worse. It was the first time in the entire time since my “worst day” (the day i found out”, the day my world exploded, that I ever felt lucky
E,
You are the beneficiary of Divine Intervention. Now what will you do with this experience? How will you let it shape you? How will it help you to emerge stronger and even more beautiful?
Love yourself,
Cleo
My mother was 4 months pregnant with plans to marry when my father told her he was already married and had 4 children. I met my father only once, when I was 9 months old. I tried to locate him when I was 23, by calling his mother’s house. She lived in Turlock, CA. I spoke with her. I told her I drove by her house from time to time on my way up to my in-laws cabin. She didn’t express any interest in meeting me. She said she hadn’t seen her son John in many years. From what I was able to ascertain later on, by working with a detective, he roamed all over the western states and had 3 DUI’s. I lost interest in finding him.
My mother, is the strongest woman I know. I have so much love and respect for her. She was a single mother in 1962. Working in the office of transportation companies. She’s accomplished SO much and without money from a man or her parents or even a college education. She has a total of 6 children now. Ages 50 – 33. She was married for 35 years, until he passed away in his sleep.
I’m feeling your pain. You are an amazing writer. Thank you for sharing.
-Cherie
C,
Whoa. Your mother is amazing. I am so glad she found love. I hope that her husband was able to provide you with the guidance and love that a father should provide.
Thank you for sharing this story with us. I am so grateful that my life has been blessed top to bottom. I am even grateful for The Genius. I would not be here without him. I just wish he didn’t have to shred my heart, but maybe it needed to be splayed wide open for these words to fall out.
Love yourself,
Cleo