The Genius has been away for 4 days and I think it’s already starting to screw with his psyche. I’m trying to be compassionate, but it’s exhausting. Emotionally and physically. Part of me wants to say, How much of your crap do I have to continue to put up with? Another part of me wants to say, I get it. You’re away from your children. My family is here with them. And given The Family Genius, perhaps you’re conditioned to expect that my family is talking trash about you behind your back and they have the boys in a dark room under a Klieg light being brainwashed by CIA operatives my Mom.
In reality, the boys played in the trees, my Mom did her crossword puzzle, my brother watched the Yankees and I went on a hike. Thank goodness for that or I wouldn’t be able to stay centered right now. Because this is the text I received while I was eating dinner with my family:
“I trust that you and your family will continue to do the right things by my children and not say or do anything that would mar my name or confuse them. Your judgements and feelings about me are just that. Yours and not my children’s.”
I replied:
“My family doesn’t talk behind people’s backs. And, while I have tolerated this for awhile, I am going to let you know that they are not your children, they are our children. You are scolding me as if I have done something wrong and I haven’t. I imagine it’s unsettling being back on the road in light of our divorce. But I have not in the past done anything to harm our children and I don’t plan on starting now.”
I feel like a human freaking ping pong ball.
I’m trying to be compassionate and see things from his perspective. I understand how it feels to think the boys are being impacted by someone who may not have your best interests at heart. Hello, you did intro the boys to the Happy Dance Chick. I don’t think she’s a member of my fan club. Didn’t feel good to know they were with her. Not just because it could be confusing to them, but because I didn’t want her near them. I don’t want her to impact them in any way. She was a participator, if not the ring leader, in an affair that was a complete betrayal of this family. Not stoked to have her breathing the same air as the boys. There. I said it.
I’m only human after all. (Another great Parlotones song…)
I’m tired of being accused of doing things I’m not doing. I’m tired of being at the whim of his emotional upheaval. I’m trying to do the best job I can at being human. Being here. Being alive. Being a Mom. Being a woman. Being a friend.
I look at what I am trying to accomplish and I wonder if I am doing it solely for me or am I still looking for someone’s approval? Still trying to find happiness outside of myself? If I am focused on being a great Mom, a present and loving woman, respecting the gift of my life by being fully engaged in it, then why would I even care that he questions how I am nurturing our children? If I am excelling at nurturing them and myself, is that not enough?
Why am I sitting here crying?
Because I don’t want to be a doormat. I’m not looking for pity, but I’ve been through a hell of a lot these past 8 months. I’m starting to get whiplash. And that makes me want to wrap myself up in blankets and try to feel safe. I’m trying to be a straight-shooter. I’m focused on open and direct communication. I’m not trying to manipulate his children behind his back. What the hell would I have to gain by doing that?
I want to spend time letting The Genius know about the boys’ day. The fact that one decided it would be fascinating to crack open an Oleander leaf (a completely toxic plant that grows everywhere here) and taste the clear liquid that sprang forth. I wanted to tell him about my first call with Poison Control.
“So, what’s the oddest poison you’ve had to deal with?”
“Um, miss, I have to man the phones. We’ve had many odd calls.”
“K. Well, thanks for telling me he is going to fine.” (Clearly not on the Encounter kick…)
I want to move beyond this tug of war and just raise our children. I didn’t ask for this crap and am just doing the best I can to make everyone happy. I will continue to try to be compassionate, but at what point do I get a little of that compassion?
Or do I only rely upon myself for that? Is that the safest way to be right here, right now?
I’m back in class. The teacher says, “You are letting your emotions run away with you. You have not yet committed to your boundaries. You are confident. Sweet. That will shatter with one punch to your gut. From anyone. Now get down to the hard work and get this stuff taken care of before he or someone else takes a weed-wacker to your entire journey.”
I remind myself that this is not about The Genius. It’s about me. My journey. I have to figure this out for me so that I can move forward without fear. Fear of being hurt. Of being discarded again. Fear of failure.
I feel like I am just starting to get this.
The real bummer is I thought I was much further along than I am. I bet you all knew better.
Love yourself,
Cleo
His selfishness is mind boggling. I read this and became physically agitated on your behalf. He just doesn’t get it. At all.
Teacher is right that boundaries need to be set. He needs to stop using you as an emotional door mat.
Hugs.
K,
I need to stop letting him use me as a door mat. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I need them, I want them, now where did I put them?
Thank you for taking the time to read HGM and comment. The hugs are much appreciated.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I think you’re being too hard on yourself. You ARE making huge strides. I am sure the multitude of us following your story would say you consistently stay in a place that is amazingly mature. However you don’t live in a bubble. You still have to interact regularly with the very person who upended your world….a person who is basically looking at life from a radically different perspective from you. Your emotions are going to fluctuate but it doesn’t change what you’ve already learned and what you draw on to parent your sons, how you life your life, etc. So take it easy on yourself when your emotions don’t exactly match your awesome paradigm….they will come back in line. You are an amazing lady!
Z,
I may be expecting perfection…shocker. It’s driven by a fear of going backwards. I want so badly to do this RIGHT!
And I have to let go of all that. I can’t fear. I shouldn’t burden myself with expecting perfection. It freezes me and I can’t move forward.
Your words of support are so very kind. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Sometimes I think the moments where we have full perspective in a/the healing process can be the most helpful, but also the most frustrating. Almost like when you’re about 40% over a cold – feeling just better than when you were gross, and spouting phlegm, but still physically weak and healing. Those moments where you know where you want to be, but aren’t quite there yet.
But I kind of think you know this already
So I’d just like to thank you for sharing your incredible journey so openly, so astutely and with such aplomb.
J,
Thank you for sharing your words of guidance and support with me, with us. When I am 40% over a cold I round that up to 100%. And often go backwards because I don’t give myself the proper time to heal. Hmmmm….sounds like that could be applied to exactly where I am emotionally right now. I need to watch that. I have to breath, center, meditate and sweat. And sweat some more.
I love the word ‘aplomb’.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Me too! On aplomb (I was so excited to use it) and also just being super-duper impatient with the healing process (cold or emotional).
Rock on lady
J,
I will rock on. Daily. Thank you!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
I just wanted to let you know, after reading this post, that you are inspiring me.
I’m single, always have been, I know myself inside and out. I’m not changing myself for anyone because I like who I am. I’m not working through anything (other than my own self imposed limitations).
That being said, you’re inspiring me to see life as a journey. An adventure. To step away from what I know and go towards something new and unfamiliar. It’s scary. But coming here three times a week to read what you’ve put down is a virtual kick to my ass. Thank you.
L,
Love it!!!! Consider me your ass-kicker. While feeling that it is scary, is there a part of you that has butterflies? A part that is sensing some exciting world just over the hill? I’m scared, too. But as long as I don’t hold onto fear, it’s the kind of scared I have right before I go on a roller coaster. The kind that makes you feel like you have to go to the bathroom.
Thank you for your kind words. It means so much to me that my thoughts resonate with you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh Cleo. You are exactly where you are supposed to be and this part is all about the hills and valleys. Some day’s will be better than others. But you are navigating with courage and compassion and that’s what matters.
On a side note – how is it that the cheater has the nerve to say “Your judgements and feelings about me are just that.” I would guess (since I was married to a version of this guy) that he knows he has put himself in a position to be judged – because he lied and he cheated. And FYI genius – no one needs to say anything to your kids because someday when they are grownups the truth will be there for them to discover for themselves and you will have to deal with your actions with them then….. but I digress.
On a final note darling. All the compassion and love you get has to start with you or you. The days of getting that in return are pretty much gone. In my case Im happy for cordial conversations and knowing that I am doing the best for our son on my side of things.
Chin up. Love yourself!
JJ
J,
Thank you, love you, owe you. I know deep inside that it’s all about me doing for me now and forever. And that’s okay. Not what I pictured, but maybe if I let go of my old picture my new picture will exceed my dreams for myself and the boys. When I turn in to see why I am still wanting to find my compassion outside of myself I here this: When you finally embrace knowing that it has to come from inside you then you will be completely responsible for your happiness, or lack thereof.
So the responsibility to provide that love and compassion will rest solely with me. I have to get to a point where that doesn’t scare me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hey Cleo,
Just started reading your blog, and have been amazed by the grace with which you are navigating these dark waters. You go girl!! I just wanted to share something that my mom always says: ‘People judge you with a mirror of themselves’. In other words, people expect you to do what they would do themselves.
That is all I have to say on this topic.
Love,
-Bonnie.
B,
Your Mother is a wise woman. The idea of mirrors is on my list of future posts. I’m excited to learn more about why people show up in my life as a mirror, how I created that, and how to get the most out of the encounter. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on HGM. I really appreciate it.
Love yourself,
Cleo
That was a very nice, even response. If he asks again, you might want to infer that his name doesn’t come up as often as he may think it does! I completely understand his anxiety about what may be said about him, since he did the single worst thing you can do to a family, but that’s just part of the consequences of his actions. I’m sure you have had to make explanations to your childrena and as the adult you are, you have chosen your words carefully. He’s a lucky guy.
C,
Thank you. I hope he will be able to center himself in light of his world being upended as a result of his actions. And I MUST learn to not internalize his arrogant behavior. As my Mom says, “Consider the source.” As Shirley Manson, of Garbage, says, “The trick is to keep breathing.”
Love yourself,
Cleo
Big hugs to you Cleo. You seem to be handling it with grace and agility. I know how you feel. It’s like grieving a death. I’ve been going thru the same thing for the past 9 months and have moments where I feel strong, optimistic, thankful that I am free of him and his deceit. And moments of deep, deep sorrow. And moments when I’m enraged – at him, at the situation, and at myself for choosing him in the first place. I think of all sorts of ways to get him back, make him hurt like he’s hurt me but, like you, I have never (and would never) say anything negative about him to our children. I would never, ever do that to my sweet babies. I’m assured by my therapist that all of this is normal and at some point it will ultimately resolve into a state of indifference (the opposite of love).
Hang in there. My thoughts are with you. Big hugs.
PS – Glad there were no issues with the Oleander. Guess you can’t put a Mr. Yuck sticker on a plant
S,
I’m getting there, and you have described the journey to a ‘T’. Ping. Pong. Splat. Some days it’s an ace serve and others a whiff. But all of you are so kind to remind me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Thank you for your guidance and support. I am so very grateful. Truly.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’ve been where you are. My ex once explained that he was late to our son’s baseball game because he had to clean his own toilet, something he had never had to do when we were married and why did I let him not do chores! Another conversation went along the lines of: Ex -”You need to tell our sons to spend more time with me.” This from a man who traveled 2 weeks out of every month. Also a comment about an ectopic pregnancy and how upset I was when I lost MY baby, not OUR baby. I was so confused that I was married to someone that I obviously knew so little about.
O,
Unconscious communication. It’s fascinating what will pour out of someone’s mouth when their heart is closed and their ego runs the show. I’m so happy that you found your way out. And that you found HGM. Thank you!
Love yourself,
Cleo
I quite understand not wanting the kids around Happy Dance Chick. She willingly participated in a course of action that harmed them by having an affair with their father, a course of action that harmed you – their mother. They are allowed to be upset about this, and it is important to convey, in some mysterious non-finger pointing, unemotional and uncritical fashion (one I have not yet perfected, but when I do, I’ll drop you a line), that her choices set a poor moral example and demonstrated a great lack of concern for their feelings. Unethical and irresponsible behavior should be correctly identified as such to help children understand the implications and consequences of making the choice to engage in such behaviors – and hopefully make better choices as a result. It is a parental responsibility to teach your children to understand behaviors and consequences – we teach them not to lie, and that the result of lying is usually a loss of trust and responsibility – this is a particularly sticky variation of that same lesson. Also, of course, we should to teach them that we all make mistakes and need forgiveness, or at least, deserve politeness – which is what I told my children in regard to Homewrecker Barbie.
P,
I need to add nothing to these most brilliant words. I will come here to reread them and use them verbatim when I discuss these very issues with The Genius. So beautifully stated. So perfectly on point. Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m sure many people will tell you that the first year can be really tricky. I had heard that I’d look back at the end of the year and be amazed at what I’d been through and it was true for me. You should expect minor setbacks (two steps forward, one step back). And a roller coaster ride. I hope that you’re already feeling much better. My ex can still push my buttons in ways that no one else can (especially about my parenting skills). There are times when I’m very much just stick to the facts ma’am with him. I think your response to The Genius was very good.
I admire the progress you’ve made and I’m very inspired by your journey. I find a lot to relate to and a lot to contemplate to help me on my own journey while trying to find a new job and to be there for my teenage sons. I had an Oprah moment over the weekend of wondering what lesson did I still need to keep on learning that I didn’t seem to have gotten yet. I’m increasing my journal writing and hoping to figure that out (and with walks on the beach!)
Thanks so much for your writing!
Maureen
M,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and read HGM. The power of writing cannot be overstated. I am the poster child for it! I can’t believe how far, and by far I don’t mean healed or perfect or better than before, I have come in these last several months. I am still so fractured but I’ve learned and experienced so much that I am excited to greet each day. I am filled with gratitude for my life, my loved ones, HGM, all of you (who are also my loved ones) that I feel it’s my absolute duty to be happy. So I shall. Thank you for reminding me of that. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Instead of thinking that you haven’t come as far along as you thought you did, perhaps it is that you have taken many steps forward, but have strained a muscle and now need to contemplate what strained that muscle. Take a rest, contemplate, stretch the muscle and then get up and hike some more.
I can not say that I know exactly what you are going through. My husband did break a major trust with me and there were days that I thought, “Ok, I am ok now…we can move on with our relationship and keep going.” And then there were days, where I laid in bed and cried. I felt like I was a yo-yo. Things were good (hooray! I am on the right track). Oh hell, things are bad bad bad again (well shit, what am I doing? Should we even stay married?).
I imagine that it is a process, like a complicated calculus problem. And sometimes, you have to erase the previous steps so that your end result, is the correct answer. Erasing those previous steps doesn’t mean that you won’t get there…it just means that you will learn more.
Best wishes,
Tam
T,
The heart is a muscle. And, yes, mine is strained. What a perfect illustration. Very insightful, T. It’s not shattered, it’s strained. It needs massaging. (Did somebody say Willow Spa at the Fairmont Sonoma?) It needs mytender love above that of anyone else.
“…complicated calculus problem.” As if there is any calculus problem that is not complicated. The wordcalculus is complicated to me. I’m actually breaking out in hives just typing it. Do you do calculus? Is calculus basically multiplication on ‘roids? You can tell I shimmied my way out of having to take it in high school. Math is so not my thing. But your example truly resonates.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Breaking trust in a relationship, regardless of how that boundary is breached, is the most difficult situation we deal with emotionally as people. It is also presents the greatest opportunity for growth. I imagine we’ll both be learning a great deal together.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’ve not suffered the loss of my own marriage but I have gone through my own parents’ divorce. I may not have a whole lot of wisdom to offer but what I’ve got is this — the feelings that accompany divorce are very similar to tides. They ebb and flow, they crest, they drag things out to sea and bring them back again. They have definite highs and lows and sometimes the lows are high and the highs are low. Now you are in high tide and it will stay that way for a while.
I would try to make some mutual agreement that you will not do this kind of thing and will not put your children in the middle. I think you are already doing a great job with this but he is insecure and also obviously drowning in the guilt of his actions and now is insecure being on the road and away and feeling out of control. I do think this situation can deteriorate rapidly, continuous texting and accusations will have the two of you talking through lawyers very quickly and that can’t be good for your kids either. If it were me, I would try to talk with him (not text) and try to make an agreement that will give both of you some comfort and some peace while he is away.
D,
Brilliant. I will heed your guidance and have already put it into practice. I can make this process go smoothly by being very conscious of how I respond to him. Yes, not via texting but on the phone. And with a gentle voice. It really is up to me to keep this process moving forward smoothly. And I am completely dedicated to that. I am so not a fan of drama! I’ve got enough of that swirling around me and don’t wish to feed it anymore.
Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Ah the beauty of Karma, she either nails you full on or in the case of Genius, she is slowly going to take him apart…and it starts with paradox?
Here is a grown man reacting to his conscience. In a society where people are mostly judged and defined by their actions and the value they bring to the world, well the Genius has been found wanting. 4 years of adultery, 4 years of deceit and lying do not an honourable man make. Quite the contrary, a person of these attributes is considered cruel and ugly…
They are found a tad wanting. I won’t labour the obvious here but Genius, has behaved like a hedonist and now…the paradox.
See Genius cannot reconcile what he thinks of himself I.e I am a really nice guy, really…with the truth that his actions have led to him to experience. You can lie to others, but never yourself. And he has been lying to himself for a long time. Now he has to face the truth of his actions…once the house of cards starts to fall, you start to see the decimation your four adulterous years have sown…and now Karma is going to let the Genius reap it all. It would appear she is going to start slow with him. I reckon living with himself ( just based on that pathetic text) he is having oodles of fun. NOT!
Cleo never stop the compassion…remember, what you put out you get back. Your intentions are sound, his behaviour should not affect your decision to be the better person. It’s tough sweetie, we all get it, and I promise none of us ever knows better, we just step up, for ourselves and for each other.
Genius is struggling with his demons, that conscience is going to be eating away at him for a long time to come and he will go for the sweet spot whenever he cannot face himself…that is you. You will not indulge him…as often as possible just do not respond, the indifference thing is a killer.
Anyway I appear to take up waaaaaay too much of your comment space. So I will settle for a quick I love you love yourself and all will be shiny with my world.
Do not let his demons bring you down, he screwed up and it’s going to keep hitting home even with his STD (sorry getting my acronyms crossed) I meant his HDC around. You’re strong, we love you and we (you) have a mountain climb…stay focused
MLP,
“Genius is struggling with his demons, that conscience is going to be eating away at him for a long time to come and he will go for the sweet spot whenever he cannot face himself…that is you. You will not indulge him…as often as possible just do not respond, the indifference thing is a killer.” This is an important example of how I am ill-equipped to see the underlying motivations that shape someone’s words or actions. I must get better at this, and the way to do it is to soften my gaze, be centered and OBSERVE, not react. OBSERVE, not react.
Your words of support and guidance are spot on and so very appreciated. I feel the love, m’lady.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m a year into my separation (trying desperately to move an actual divorce forward, but that’s another story altogether!). At first, I had high hopes of a more communicative relationship with my soon-to-be-ex around our daughter — we are both completely committed to being good parents to her, we’re on the same page with raising her, etc. But I soon realized that I am indeed divorcing the man I married, and the communication pattern we had when we were married will be more or less the communication pattern I can reasonably expect to have through this separation and after we divorce…though it will become less intense/stressful/etc. over time, I imagine. It has been difficult to accept him fully as he is and adjust my expectations of what he realistically is capable of — something I see now that I never did while we were together — but working on this area has helped me in accepting myself fully as I am, so it’s all good.
It’s a long, slow process with many starts and stops.
Be gentle and compassionate with yourself,
Nic (a fellow single mom in Marin! Yes, we do exist here…)
N,
When two people can’t communicate it really is difficult to move through life together, no? So we pull back and focus in on ourselves. Thank you for the reminder to be gentle and compassionate with me. It’s not something I have a great deal of experience with, but I am seeing how very important it is. Being present helps me to see how ‘she’ shimmers when I love her and how ‘she’ folds when I don’t. I need to start with me. Thank you for taking the time to comment and please stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I too chose to take the high road following my pocket-call divorce (or “oops, did I leave those photo’s laying around…” divorce). Because I had done nothing wrong I wasn’t about to start then. If anyone was going to launch the first nasty volley it wasn’t going to be me. Neither he nor wife #2 was going to be able to say I was anything but gracious. It was also a lot healthier for me than walking around in a rage around them, and it had the benefit of unnerving the both of them. Another benefit was we only went to court once, to finalize, and that saved a lot of money and stress. I received a lot of compassion from friends and family, the more so, I believe, because of the choices I made — he — not so much.
My children came to their own conclusions as to his conduct and I had a clear conscious.
Before I paint myself as an angel here — I did have my moments — such as distributing every love note he ever gave me througout his belongs so he (and her) might find them for years to come…
E,
You are a goddess. What a spectacular idea. Not harmful, not destructive, but so perfect. C’mere. I want to put a medal around your neck.
I want very much to follow in your footsteps. I will take the high road at all costs and focus on pushing the divorce through so that I can have it conclude swiftly. Thank you for taking the time to share your words of guidance with me, with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
I have been following your blog for a few weeks – spent a whole afternoon reading the entire thing in one shot after seeing a tweet by you on my girlfriend’s twitter feed. I now wait with baited breath for each new post. I cannot say it more simply: I admire you. You inspire me. You make me want to be a better person. Thank you for sharing your pain, fears, sadness, revelations and triumphs. I try to take something from each of your posts with me on my own life journey every day. Thank you.
That being said, I was moved to tears reading your words today: “I’m trying to do the best job I can at being human.” Cleo. If we could all be half as good at being human as you are. You are doing an AMAZING job. At being a mother, a woman, a friend. And so much more. Please always remember this.
You know that moment during a long, painful climb, 6 hours in, feeling like you will never reach the top? You’re sweaty, tired, dehydrated, hungry, sore. Then you look behind you and see how far you actually have climbed. This is that moment. Look behind you again. You have actually climbed so much farther that you thought!
Michelle
M,
Oh my, what amazing words of support and love! I am beyond touched by them. That I could inspire you to be a better person…you have made my day. My week, month and year. I am writing straight from the heart, m’lady. And each and every one of you inspire me to do so. You make me feel safe. I can reveal here what I can reveal nowhere else. I am so grateful to have the opportunity to work through this most challenging (exciting, exhausting, exhilarating, unnerving) time knowing that I can come here and be held, kept in line, and educated.
Thank you. Love you. Owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Please, please do not feel that you are going backwards, the road you are on is long and narrow, sometimes you will stray off to one side, perhaps out of respect or consideration for others, or maybe you will just trip over a rock, but you will find yourself back on that path towards a future full of love and hope. With your family around you, it sounds like you are half way there.
When my own Genius wanted to renegotiate the financial aspects of our divorce ( ‘friends’ had informed him he was being too generous) I reminded him that I had power of attorney and could have cleaned him out of every penny he had if I so desired – my ability to calmly refute his claims of my ‘greed’ was priceless to me, although watching his face turn all shades of green and him scuttle off to find a lawyer also gave me a fair amount of pleasure!
Much Love and strength xx
L,
The long and narrow road is an apt description. It makes me smile to think that I might be halfway there. I sure hope so. Thank you for taking the time to read HGM and comment. Your words make me feel light and happy. I know I can do this!
But not without you. It’s just so much more fun with you. And inspirational.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hey,
I have hit reply to you in my head a dozen times. I found your blog at the same time I am reading the Fifty Shades series . . . I currently refuse to read the third book because its too painful. I have been with my HGM for 18 years. I thought he would change once we lived together/got married/had 3 daughters/not sure what’s next? He can’t change. He’s a serial cheater. And I always catch him and it’s always my fault. Even the one who came to our front door to announce they had been dating for over a year – was somehow my fault I found out. At this point, my fault for “not getting over it.” Unlike you I am trapped and can’t get out . . . it is not HGM it is mine. so back to the trilogy. . .
Your relationship began just like mine and I attribute it to 1 thing – great sex scrambles your brain.
Read the series . . . .you will see yourself in it – – – with or without the kinky sex. Maybe I should start a response blog to your blog . . . Fifty Shades of HGM . . . hmm I see at hit!
Keep writing I will keep reading,
A.L.
A,
Hold on to your hat. We waited till we got married to have sex. And it was never great. Good on occasion, but not great. I don’t suggest waiting till you say I do to find out that it sucks. Haven’t read 50 Shades but I imagine it’s delicious.
Are you trapped? I know it can feel so supremely scary to launch off into the unknown, but it pains me to think that you aren’t able to live your life in peace, with love and in your truth. Ponder the ways in which you could make a stand for yourself. And let us know what you come up with.
Thank you so much for being here with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
“…not say or do anything that would mar my name…” This is a staggering display of cluelessness if he doesn’t recognize that he has done far more to “mar [his] name” than anything you could ever say. But then, he is The Genius…
P,
I did not make that connection! Oh, how I wish I had thought to reply with your words! Alas, I’m sure I’ll have another opportunity. But, seriously, how amazing. How unbelievably amazing that he could type that and not flinch. Wow. Thank you for pointing that out. And for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Something to keep in mind: progress isn’t linear!
I just got a tattoo that’s a jagged heart, you can barely tell it’s a heart because the lines are all thorny and not straight. But it’s still a heart. And it means that the path to loving yourself isn’t linear– it’s got ups and downs, peaks and valleys. When I start getting down on myself because I’m regressing into old habits, or thinking I’m not as ‘better’ (better with anything, really) as I thought I was, I always think back to that phrase.
If it’s going to be real change you’re making, you’re going to have to slip backward, have some doubts. Tomorrow, or the next day, you will have the strength to get that line moving back upward again. Or heck, just straight for a bit.
J,
Not linear. Not linear. SO true! I bounce back a few steps more often than I would like, but with these beautiful words I can center again. I am getting closer to feeling sure of my footing even if the path is rocky. LOVE the tattoo!
Thank you for taking the time to share this with me, with us. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow! I enjoyed reading this today. Kudos to you. I’m wife #2. I wasn’t in the picture when the marriage fell apart and the divorce happened. I showed up approx 2 years later. Somehow that fact was twisted around to make it appear that I was in the picture years earlier than I was and that I was responsible for their demise. (I was actually still in college in another city, facts are facts, kids finally do see that) I was around for the child custody battles. After I got sucked in and batted about, I’ve come to a couple of conclusions that I used as guiding factors with my sister and my friends that did embark on a divorce:
1. Divorcing people with children all act the same. Race, religion, socioeconomic status, what side of the tracks you are from – doesn’t matter, everyone acts generally the same. Despite years of evolution, us humans are not all that different. Therefore, if you can learn something from someone else’s divorce, do it. Chances are it can save you some heartache and time.
2. Lawyers know this so they are pretty good predictors of human behavior. They have to be so that they can put a value on a client. How much are you worth to them? The more fighting, probably more money.
3. The shortest distance between 2 points is a straight line. Most of us learned that in middle school math. Lawyers don’t like straight lines. Lawyers make LESS money if you get divorced rapidly and easily because you need less of their assistance. Understand what motivates you and understand what motivates them. You need help with filing paperwork, you don’t need their emotional assistance. They want to help you with everything, cha-ching. Make sure your lawyer has the same motivations as you.
4. Once you are in the state divorce system it can suck. There is now a 3rd party in your divorce and sometimes they are telling you things that you can’t change, no matter how you feel about it i.e. custody, time with children, child support, etc. Work it out without the lawyers and court system if you can. You’ll need to file the paperwork to make it final, hopefully that is the only time that you will need the system.
Good luck. Sounds like you are emotionally healthier than a lot of people.
I have to be gossipy and ask what happened to the mistress? I haven’t read all the comments so I apologize if this was already discussed. I hope that she is terribly disappointed in all her decisions and the she has finally broken off the relationship
S,
Thank you so much for sharing your words of guidance with me, with us. Much to be learned in those 4 points. We are opting for a collaborative divorce and have committed to staying out of the legal system. I am grateful that we can do that.
Now, on to the gossip…they are in love. Well, he saysthey are in love. It’s hard enough having a healthy relationship when it starts off with a solid foundation, but to try and maintain one that has both parties lying for four years to their families? Well, let’s just say I won’t put money on their longevity. How they can look at each other and not have massive doubts about honesty and morality is beyond me. She won’t break off this relationship…she worked hard to get it in the first place. I imagine there will be lots of regrets down the road, however, which will impact them in the long run.
I am happy you found us here at HGM. Stay close,
Love yourself,
Cleo
I hate to say this, but in a sense, you are allowing him to use you somewhat as a doormat. The fact that you allow him to see the children at any time and place of his choosing is a little extreme in my opinion. I’m not saying you should hurt him because of what he did to you. I guess what I’m saying is that you begin to teach him what he could not learn during your years of marriage to him: Loyalty.
Loyalty doesn’t mean you get access to children and ex-wife at any day and time of his choosing. That’s just too darn easy. Put him on a schedule and make him follow it. If he really values his kids, he’ll follow your set schedule. If he complains, gently remind him that the current circumstances are of his doing, not yours.
The fact that you’re “still trying to see things from his perspective” (your words Cleo), tells me that despite what you’ve written, you’re still more in love with this man than you’ve let on. This isn’t a game. Fooling yourself isn’t an option. Why would you want to see things in his perspective when he didn’t think of you or your perspectives during your entire marriage.
Do you really think the current girl was his first fling? Do you think current girl will be his last?
The job here isn’t to hurt him. The job here is to move on. Loving yourself is a great option. But it’s time to get on with your life and your perspectives. His perspectives are no longer important. Please do not consider them from this point forward. he did not consider your perspectives and has no intention of doing so. Why then, are you set on seeing things the way he sees them? Why do this?
Until you make that break, you will always be tied to this man. And if you allow this to go on, he will hurt you, again. And again.
And you will have allowed it to happen. Again.
Sorry to be a buzz kill. I’m rooting for you Cleo.
Bill
B,
I love you. Thank you so much for speaking your mind, heart and saying to me what you feel I need to hear. I LOVE that.
Couple things to note – I give him free-ISH access (we do have a printed schedule at the beginning of each month) due to his travel schedule. For instance, he is now gone through August with the exception of one week in May and one in July. So I felt it necessary for the boys to have as much time with him as possible given the amount of time they would be apart. If he was around all the time it would not be set as it is. It’s really hard for me to have to deal with him so often because he tries so hard to make it seem like everything is totally cool. So I have to keep up this steel exterior to remind him that he’s a complete ass. It’s tiring. I’d rather be smiling, laughing, singing at the top of my lungs in the kitchen. You know, the normal stuff chicks do.
B, I don’t love him. I look, I sniff around, I can’t see love, I can’t small love. I don’t feel love. Maybe I’m cold like a Foreigner song, but I just don’t have it there. It died when he said I’m not lying to you about anything anymore. And then he said, I’m still lying. It’s been four years, not one. It just died. Sudden death. The four prior years of my life were a complete lie, a complete betrayal, a total f-ing of me. Of every part of my being. I just don’t have any love there.
No, she wasn’t his first and she won’t be his last. I don’t recall the specific post where I said I am trying to see it from his perspective, but the reason why I would do that is to learn. To understand the human psyche. To grow. To be able to spot this crap in the future so that I can protect myself. It’s not because I want to make this experience at all more comfortable for him. Nor do I want to make it uncomfortable. I just don’t care how it feels for him. Although I want the divorce to go as smoothly as possible so I won’t do anything to get in the way of that.
I hope that gives you some insight into my red-headed brain. I really appreciate the time and care you took to write me. It felt like a massive hug from a good friend. Which is priceless. Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
B,
It was the most recent post where I spoke of trying to be compassionate and see things from his perspective. (Forgive me – I’ve been burning the 3Am oil for a full week now…) Here’s why – I will become exceedingly angry and want to rip his freaking face off if he attacks me about something I haven’t done. Which he enjoys doing. Because it makes him feel not so lonely down there in the gutter. But anger doesn’t support me. And his efforts to make me angry are only to make himself feel better. So, if I can see things from his perspective than I will not take his barbs so personally. Does that make sense?
Love yourself,
Cleo
His attacks are all about him…he assumes you are doing what HE would do.
“So I have to keep up this steel exterior to remind him that he’s a complete ass. It’s tiring. I’d rather be smiling, laughing, singing at the top of my lungs in the kitchen. You know, the normal stuff chicks do.”
Don’t tire yourself with the steel exterior…being yourself would be more fulfilling, more honest, and an even more apt reminder of what an ass he has been.
E,
“Don’t tire yourself with the steel exterior…being yourself would be more fulfilling, more honest, and an even more apt reminder of what an ass he has been.”
Yet another example of the perfect wisdom at the perfect time. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Anger is getting such a bad by rap by some commenters on this site! Anger is useful. Anger is not in and of itself a bad thing unless it is misused, misdirected, mismanaged. Anger is a healthy reaction to injustice – and it can spur you to actin ways that benefit you and your kids. It’s a totally appropriate reaction to being put in a position where you have to completely rearrange your (and your kids’) life because of someone else’s selfish behavior. It’s a totally normal part of the grieving process.
I spent the first year of being separated trying to be the nicest, most compassionate woman in the world. I tried really hard to understand the messed-up things he did, from his perspective. It’s like I wanted to avoid every cliche of divorce, and skip the angry/scorned/bitter part. I tried to be graceful, but all of that really was exhausting, and unnecessary. I liken it to being at a funeral and getting a headache from trying really hard not to cry. Who’s that for?
You’re doing this publicly, so you’re getting a lot of advice. Here’s mine: feel every part of it, don’t try to skip any steps. Sure, you can aspire to be your best self, draw lessons from your experience, do extensive analysis of what went wrong, and when, if that helps. You sound really kind and decent. You don’t need to start being an infinite source of compassion to all. I think the goal is to just be authentic.
I know a lot of people are finding great comfort in hearing your thoughtful perspective on an unfortunately common experience.
J,
I am so sorry it has taken me this long to reply to your very important words. It’s ludicrous, actually, because I need not add a letter to this comment.
“I spent the first year of being separated trying to be the nicest, most compassionate woman in the world.” It is EXHAUSTING to bury emotions. It just wipes you out. And it creates dis-ease. I’m so much better at letting myself feel them yet not be run by them. Many people will learn from your thoughts here. I’m so grateful you took the time to comment. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo