One year ago, at this exact moment in time, The Genius’ cell phone decided to bust open his 4 year affair by letting me in on the double life he was leading. One. Year. Ago.
It goes without saying, but I can’t help myself, I cannot believe it’s been a whole year.
Sitting in front of me is my new favorite cocktail. The Clear Conscience. I’m a margarita girl, but this one has me smitten. It’s a bit spicy, a bit sweet, fresh as an English cucumber and has the perfect kick. Plus you can eat the cucumber when you’re done, which basically makes it a vegetable and not a cocktail. I’m going to whip up another tomorrow evening and use the rest of the ginger syrup to make homemade ginger ale for the boys. It’s a win-win all the way around.
She was right. Spa water with booze in it. Thank you to Bettina, the Proprietor at Angéle in Napa for sharing the recipe with us. I’ll be back to dine in your beautiful boat house soon, I hope.
Oh, my arachnid…this is SO, so good. Must pause to savor…
That is magic. Just like my day.
Which started off just after midnight with me being chastised via text by The Genius for not caring about what it feels like for him to have been discarded by me. That I have no empathy.
I’ll have another sip while you get up off the floor.
I just shook my head and went to bed. It was the first of many signs today that The Pocket Call was a gift, for which I will be eternally grateful. I swear. Although I want to be cremated, if I have a tomb stone somewhere I want it to read,
Cleo Everest
Even in death, she is
eternally grateful for
The Pocket Call
I spent my morning surrounded by joyful children while volunteering in the little dude’s computer class. 23 kindergartners and 25 minutes to power up, create art, type their name and print it out. The cries of I need help, thick like the song of cicadas on a hot summer day, were pierced by the tears of a girl at the end of a row.
Why the tears, honey?
I don’t know how to do this.
She was playing me a little, but I also could sense that she was intimidated by the task.
You can do this. First, type your name. So, let’s go to the ABCs.
She brought up a text box and, looking up at me with blue eyes weighted down by the last tears still to fall, she said, I don’t see an S.
Well, all the letters are there, so take you time. You’ll find it.
I moved on to others singing for help. Glancing up the row I could see her hunched over, head in her hands, crying. After a few minutes I made another pass down the row, checking their progress (these kids really know their way around computers). I paused at the end, where the sobs had subsided and the name was one letter shy of complete. She hit that last key and looked up at me. She was beaming. I knelt down and looked her in the eyes.
I am really proud of how you persevered. How you didn’t quit. She looked deeply into my eyes. I held her gaze, which was going nowhere. She was locked in on me.
Believe in yourself, S. I believe in you.
And then we hugged.
She has no idea the lesson she has taught me. Persevere. Don’t quit. Believe in yourself. She created those words in me. I said them for her, but they were meant for us both. The perfect words to carry through to Act Two. I bloomed for the rest of the afternoon, playing with the boys, doing homework and catching up after having been apart for four days.
I told them about my seal encounter, the beautiful party for my Aunt Awesome, and updated them on the adventures of all their cousins. They told me about their trip to Limantour with The Genius and the Happy Dance Chick (Is it possible to sage a national seashore?), watching Men in Black 3 (I will resist commenting on this.), and then the little dude says,
The Happy Dance Chick came over.
I’ll pause to sip, but only because you have to get up off the floor again. One of these times you’re going to hurt yourself.
I didn’t skip a beat. She did? Here? Spoken as calmly as if I said, Would you like me to rub your feet, honey?
Uh-huh.
Did you show them your room?
Yes.
Well, that was very nice of you.
I stepped out of the room, into my bathroom and smiled in the mirror. He’s amazing.
Prior to leaving for Los Angeles, the boys had told me that The Happy Dance chick was coming north for the weekend. Darn, I thought she could meet me for lunch in LA. That morsel prompted me to text The Genius and inform him of the obvious: She was not permitted in the home in which I live. If he was not moved into his apartment and was alone he could stay here with the boys (for the last time) or choose to stay in a hotel. But she was not to be in the house or on the property.
This afternoon The Genius arrived to take the boys for a few hours while I attended a meeting. I asked him to step outside. I don’t recall if I posed it as a question or a statement – I was too focused on remaining ultra calm – but I let it be known that I knew she was in the house. He got defensive and then blurted out the excuse that it was logistics and he had to pack the boys’ things for their weekend away.
Oh. She couldn’t wait at a park? Starbucks? The corner?
I walked away. And without much effort at all, I remained calm. I was really struck by that fact. He completely disregarded my justifiable request, and it didn’t get under my skin. The Happy Dance Chick was in my house, and I just laughed and shook my head. I felt better for doing so. To have gotten angry or confrontational would only make me feel crappy. I don’t like to feel crappy, and I would have accomplished absolutely nothing.
There is no making sense in a bat-crazy world.
I came back from my meeting and spent the evening steeping my ginger and teaching the boys the game of football. As the light began to change I looked over my shoulder to check out the sunset. It was the most stunning sunset I have seen from this house.
This was my reward. My reward for all the excavation, the times when I had to be super brave, the times when I felt shredded, all the tears. My reward for getting to a point where I can remain centered even when I have every reason to blow a gasket. Now I smile and I laugh and I am thankful for every second I am here. Right here, right now. The boys and I ran outside to soak in the pinks and golds and oranges and purples and yellows. I marveled at how perfect this sunset was and how perfect this day felt. I had excitement building in my core from day break on, and the elegant sunset served to confirm that it was the right feeling to embrace.
The Pocket Call was a gift. So tonight I celebrate it. Not me. It.
For tomorrow there will be more head shaking…
Love yourself,
Cleo
He did that to see how you’d react, to see you get angry and upset, but you didn’t give him that. Good job. If you hadn’t stayed calm at his complete lack of respect for you, you would have given him exactly what he wanted. he would have fed off your energy and light because he has none of his own.
N,
Do you think he thinks beyond himself? I believe he never thought I’d find out, but that if I did, So be it.
Thank you for reminding me that my energy and light can be snatched if I allow it. I’m so grateful that with the support of the kittens and the Universe I have learned to say no when others reach in to take mine.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here, N. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh I have SO been there with my version of the HDC! Once my version drove MY van around all weekend (my ex and I switched cars when he had the kids) and purposefully left her Starbucks drink in it, her chapstick and even added a new programmed radio station to my radio–how very kind of her! If we were dogs, she basically would have pissed all over my stuff!
I also just had my ex completely ignore a very clear request I made with regards to her and he also had “reasons” that it happened. I really think these men are just too weak to stand up to the HDC’s so whatever they want is what they get. The Genius probably didn’t want her in your house but I bet she forced the issue–after all, the HDC’s love to see how we live and what our lives are like so they can try to emulate it! Good for you for staying strong and not falling into the trap and letting it upset you.
Oh and I have absolutely NO words about you “discarding” The Genius. The saddest part is that these man-boys actually believe this stuff in their own heads! I think it’s the only way they can live with the carnage that they created…to make themselves a victim. Really sad.
N,
“If we were dogs, she basically would have pissed all over my stuff!” So true! And a hilarious visual.
The Happy Dance Chick is such a non-entity to me that the other day I actually forgot her name! I am not kidding. I looked at my mom and said, I can’t remember her name. And then we both cracked up in laughter. It was such a great demonstration of how clear it is to me that I am not of their world.
It is sad. For them. When I feel that I am immediately flooded with a strong sense of responsibility to make certain that the boys are raised to be respectable men. I’ll help that unfold organically, I won’t be consumed by trying to raise them to be the opposite of their father, but rather to raise them to be confident, open-hearted, honest, loving and caring people who have the courage to choose right over wrong.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and I applaud your beautiful nature as you deal with these gyrations. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
You are an true inspiration! Amazing. Thank you for your writing. Some day I will have your strength. I’m starting with a build of my physical strength and hoping the rest will follow.
S,
That’s exactly where I started! One year ago today I completely changed the way I ate. I viewed my body as a car. We put gas in our car. Not trash, dirt, shattered glass, bowling balls…just gas. Pure gas. So I only ate whole food. In its original state. No crap. (While a wheat allergy is fairly restrictive, there’s still tons of junk out there I could eat. Have you seen the piles of wheat free baked goods these days?) Whole carrots. Whole apples. The most I do to food is cook raw protein. I make my own salad dressings, I eat nothing processed. And I am NOT Martha Stewart. This way of eating is easy. From the farmer’s market to my fridge to my mouth. Done.
Guess what? The rest followed…
Thank you for being here, for commenting, and for your super kind words. I’m grateful for your support, S.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Yes! Yes! I’m still early days on this so have cut alcohol too which is a bummer because I so want to try your drink!! I’ll try it in a few weeks for sure. I do regularly let cucumber lemon and grated ginger soak in my big water bottle so I know I’ll love it.
S,
Remember what I said? Technically, it’s a vegetable. I kid. I’m proud of you, m’lady. I’m going to take your tip and spice up my water bottle as well! It’s not just for the spa, no? Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, while I think it’s magnanimous you are able to keep calm while the Genius blatantly disregards your wishes, it’s also fodder for the old adage ‘we teach people how to treat us’. You are teaching him he can do whatever he wants despite your wishes, warnings and requirements. He got off scott free by letting his bimbo in your house when you specifically told him that wasn’t allowed. There need to be repercussions for his actions of some sort or he will continue to take and inch here and another inch there until he’s taken a mile. His level of selfishness seems to know no bounds and I am so thankful your boys have you as a role model to counter his horrid one.
And I see a woman’s profile in the left side of Mr. Triathlete’s beautiful photograph.
K,
Thank you so much for causing me to pause and ponder. I love that about you! He’s continuing to prove that he has learned nothing from this experience, that his words are not to be trusted and that his actions speak for themselves. While I didn’t ‘set a trap’ for him, I’m grateful that he was caught in one. And when it snapped shut it severed the cord that connected us. It showed me that, despite his pleas for me to grow up and move on, to work collaboratively with him, he is not to be trusted as we move into this new phase in our lives. He’s not capable of being that which he asks me to be.
I hope that one day he will embrace an honest, respectable way of life. For now I will work tirelessly to insure that the boys grow up with values and morals and respect for themselves and others. The repercussions will be dealt to him as he lives his life. I don’t foresee it being a happy existence. But you can rest assured that he will no longer have the opportunity to be in my home.
I will keep your words close to help me maintain my boundaries. Thank you, K.
Look closely at the picture. Do you see the rainbow? How perfect…and so thoughtful of Mr. Triathlete to send that to me on the perfect day. He did not know of the anniversary, but the Universe did!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I so admire where you are in this mess. Our stories are VERY similar, and although my children haven’t my Genius’ girlfriend, she was brought to my home the other day, and I did not handle it nearly as well as you did. I only hope that when I hit the one year mark (I’m five months in), I can laugh about this kind of stuff. Keep the posts coming. They give me hope.
J,
At month 5 I don’t recall too much laughter. Just a lot of really amped up emotions that had a mind of their own. Nothing as dangerous as an emotion with a mind.
“I so admire where you are in this mess.” I LOVE this sentence! I pictured the garbage room in Star Wars and you and me were picking our way through the muck, you over there and me over here. We both were smiling.
Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to comment. Your support right at this very moment in time means so much to me. And we’re all here for you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Of course she came over. Of course her let her. Time and time again he has shown what he is made of and his actions have made it clear to ALL of your readers why the pocket call was a huge gift. I have read for the past few months how you continue to try and rise above the petty, childish ways these two have tried to drag you into their drama. I wish you all the happiness in the world and while you carry on your journey I look forward to reading about all the deeper, more honest and respectful relationships that will model real men and women for your boys. Your boys who would have preferred their time spent with their father to be a time where he was focused solely on them and their relationship. What do you want to bet he told your young ones to lie to you. ( He’s teaching by example I guess).
D,
Of course! That’s exactly what I said to myself! Yesterday I felt as if the Universe put on a play for my benefit. Just in case I wasn’t grateful enough to see what a gift the Pocket Call was for me. In one day so many events, big and small, collided to paint a picture of what I could have still be chained up in and how beautiful my life is now that I am freed.
Act Two will surely provide me with the opportunity to introduce to the boys men and women who will help to teach them about honest, open, deep, thoughtful and respectful relationships. The boys will flourish, and they will be able to, over time, make their own judgments as to whom they wish to emulate. The people I wish to walk side by side with will also be the people I wish for them to emulate. That makes it simple. As this next act in my life unfolds, I will continue to be emotionally available to the boys, love them deeply and create magic and play where ever we go.
Thank you for being here and for taking the time to comment. You keep me on track, D!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Do you ever worry about money? Healthcare once you’re divorced? Going back to work? Finding a job in this economy? I’m two years ahead of you and fight not to be consumed by these fears.
E,
My Mom says, Worry is a lack of faith. It’s also paralyzing. As is fear. I find that if I remain open and trust that I am on the right path, opportunities present themselves. I will remain a stay-at-home mom for the boys until they are in school full time. It is what is best for them. When challenges, financial or otherwise, present themselves I’ll deal with them. But I’m not going to feed them before they arrive. I won’t give birth to them, create them with my thoughts. Thoughts become things. Thoughts become things.
My time is better spent creating memories for the boys, being present for them. I can see how crucial it is for them at this time to have my focus and attention. But the realities of the 3D world are just that, real. So I’ve stated to the Universe that I clearly see the path unfolding before me and that I am a writer. I am writing a book. It will be one that many people will enjoy reading. And, yes, one day soon I will open the New York Times and it listed under Bestsellers. Then I’ll whip up a Clear Conscience, look back on all the pain and sadness and heart break and know it was all worth it.
When we come to understand our true calling, the role we are naturally designed to play, we no longer swim upstream.
Thank you for being here, E. We will ride this wave together, and we will do it with style and success.
Love yourself,
Cleo
“Worry is lack of faith” Catching up on some of your posts/comments now – and this – I needed to see this today. I’m going through some stuff myself – and trying not to worry about the already good stuff happening in my life.
Thank you for sharing!
J,
So did I. Thank you for coming in and saying just the right thing at the exact right time.
So much good to be grateful for, the rest will work itself out. As long as I remain optimistic, grateful and open-hearted.
Thank you!
Love yourself,
Cleo
I teared up at the thought of that little girl’s gaze locked on you as you told her how great she did. Her initial fears may be because someone at home has never been there to push her to accomplish something, or praise her for doing that very thing. You never know. She understood her own worth in that moment with you. Brava, Cleo, for giving a shot of confidence to a future woman.
Your drink is the perfect celebration to IT…the Pocket Call. No unwelcome guest in your house can ruin your honoring IT. Brava again for your calm recognition of “she’s not worth it”.
T,
Thank you for being here, m’lady. Not only is she not worth it, he’s not worth it. And I firmly believe that going backwards is disrespectful to the gift I have been give, disrespectful to the Universe. I’ve come too far in this last year. I’m all in. Can you tell that’s kind of how I operate?
S may have someone who does everything for her at home. I made her accountable. And she appreciated it. Yet another lesson for me to take from that encounter. I’m looking forward to seeing her again.
I have a freshly made CC in my hand. I NAILED it this time! Divine. When we have the global HGM soiree we are so making these. You rock, T.
Love yourself,
Cleo
There is a saying I have heard many men use: “It is easier to ask for forgiveness than consent.”
Our generation will erase that from our sons’ vocabulary. It’s just wrong.
A,
Well said. Let’s make it happen. Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Funny enough, my ex (who had his own HDC) used to say this quote but his went like this “It’s always easier to ask forgiveness than permission.”
Guess I should have heeded the warning huh?
N,
The signs are everywhere! But, N, we wouldn’t be where we are today without the experience of our marriages. I’m grateful. I’m laughing as I write that because I cant freaking believe I’m saying it, but I’m grateful.
Rock on.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Happy first day of the rest of your life. Or sweeter yet Happy first day of the BEST of your life!
I raised a toast to you at the Matador in Boise, ID last night. Their bartender Robert made a killer Clear Conscience with your recipe. It was heavenly. Also orange in color so I am glad to read _s too. I loved the clean taste and the bits of cucumber. DELICIOUS.
My toast last night goes out to The Universe in gratitude and thanks for unexpected gifts. Your pocket call and my stumbled on email string were identical in discovery, emotional upheaval and now metamorphosis. Life can give us what we need if we dig deep and listen. I am so grateful for. the NOW. Tonight I will give another bartenr this recipe for a clear conscience and toast my own intentions put to the Universe. Then I will continue to make them happen and happily watch them unfold before me
Thank-you CLEO.
M,
You and Mr. Jackpot said the EXACT same thing! You tell Robert that I’m going to find my way to the Matador one day so he can whip one up for me. And then we can toast each other, laugh, and you can scold me for all those times I said, At least I’m not in Boise! I swear. Nothing against Boise. I understand it’s fantastic. But for some reason I always make that the default location in that sentence. Like the other night when a friend was stranded at an airport in Canada. Well, I said, at least you’re not in Boise!
I’m changing that bad habit today. From now on it’ll be, At least I’m not in Intercourse, PA. That should raise a few eyebrows.
I am so HAPPY for you!!! “…toast my own intentions put to the Universe. Then I will continue to make them happen and happily watch them unfold before me…” I’m right there with you m’lady. There’s joy in them there hills of divorce and betrayal. We just have to mine for it.
Thank you, M. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
OMG Cleo you are clearly a bad, bad person — shame on you for failing to empathize with the poor, put upon assholes of the world! How could you??? And any second now they’re going to be covered as a protected class under the Civil Rights Act (I’m expecting it any day; heck, I figure government is just chock full of assholes, can’t believe they haven’t protected themselves on this one yet), and then you will be not just a bad person, but a LAWBREAKER because of your complete and utter failure to sympathize with the miserable plight of those who have ruined their own lives and done their damnedest to screw up those of everyone around them.
Seriously, I almost did fall off my chair. Even by The Genius’ high (low?) standards, this is a doozie. I was rubbing my hands together with glee, looking forward to chortling while your Army of Kittens (We are feline! Hear us roar!) ripped him to pieces for his latest attempts to one-down himself. (And don’t get me started on him bringing the HDC into to your home…..)
Imagine my dismay when most everyone pretty much brushed by it (except for me, and I realize I’m perhaps a bit of a b****, plus I have always had a tendency to get over-the-top mad when anybody messes with my friends). Though I admit to being a bit disappointed at not getting to read your Kittens’ rapier-like (claw-like?) wit wielded on so deserving a target, it dawned on me as I read through some of the comments: like you, we are all just SO OVER him and his antics. Sure, his outrageous behavior still gets that initial, instinctive desire to sock him one, at least verbally; but we also all know that you’ve moved so far beyond him and his messes that we don’t worry about him really “getting” to you in the way that he used to be able to. So although I’m pretty sure there was an enormous wave of eye-rolling across the country as your fans read this latest bulletin from Planet Genius, and I bet I wasn’t the only one guffawing over it (at least the text; still don’t think the home visit from HDC was amusing, though it was a classic move), I think that, like you, your Kittens really Just. Don’t. Care. Anymore. The G’s antics are just a little sideshow you report on periodically so we can all shake our heads together and say “can you believe this guy??” to each other, but he’s simply not relevant enough in your life for even his most ridiculous performances to matter much. (I’d lay money that’s also why he keeps ratcheting things up, like with the text and ignoring your direct instructions about HDC not being in your home — it’s like little kids who, when they don’t get a reaction from mommy for throwing a block, then devolve into a full-on tantrum, anything to get attention.) Pathetic for him, but such a powerful statement for YOU. We know who’s the one with a Clear Conscience here.
Like all your Kittens, I’m SO proud of all you’ve achieved over this past year, so inspired by what you’re doing, so grateful that you’re sharing the journey with us all. And I can’t wait to watch the next act unfold. (By the way, I’m pretty sure you don’t have to have your s…tuff together for a long while yet. Like, ever.
Thanks for letting us play along!
Love,
Phyllis
P,
You are amazing. Hold on a second…I have to bow down to you. K. I literally got down on my tile floor and sank into child’s pose. I only meant to stay there for a minute. It was a lot longer than that before I thanked you for causing me to pause and love myself. That’s a priceless gift, P.
You called me a friend. That brought tears to my eyes. I don’t believe I know you personally. That you consider me a friend makes me shed another bunch of tears. Your comment is the perfect illustration of why I am so grateful for HGM.
…okay, I’m full on sobbing right now…
It takes a lot of really good, solid, trustworthy friends to get through a divorce, regardless of the circumstances. Gosh, when I needed you most, I figured out a way to let you know. Thank you so much for caring. It really says a lot about you, about all of you kittens. That you care so much means you are magic. I’m honored to know each and every one of you.
P, stay close. Your words are kind, intuitive, and very funny. So glad you’re here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m not keeping a record of all the great posts from the kittens because there are so many, but this one from Phyllis has to be one of the best. I went from sentence to sentence cheering on her spot on observations. Way to go, P!
M,
Perfection, right? She capped my night in style.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I didn’t read all of the other comments, so pardon if this has already been said. I think HDC probably felt EXTREMELY uncomfortable in your house. Of course, I am bestowing her with a conscience with that thought. I guess I was just thinking about how *I* would feel were I in her position, which I hope to never be. I just thought of her wandering around and seeing (and feeling) the love and close relationship you share with your sons. It must be obvious in a variety of ways. It’s a good way for her to know, a kind of slap in the face, that she will NEVER have what you have with them, even if she ends up with their reject of a father.
S,
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts on the HDC home invasion. Her willingness (request?) to be in my home is further confirmation, as if any is needed, that she is playing with less than a full deck. Clearly she has zero empathy. Shocker. And her behavior, Operation Tshirt included, suggests she hasn’t a clue about boundaries. Honestly, at this point I find her completely…creepy.
Creepy is the perfect word. And Karma is the perfect one to take care of her. Rock on, S!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Having a tough morning. 2000 miles away from home. Dropped off at the airport yesterday by a spouse who casually mentioned he’s having drinks after work with the office – this includes his HDC – one night while I’m gone. When I suggested it wait until Fri night so I could attend rather than reschedule he said he cancelled the outing. So, clearly I’m dealing with someone who is also missing important emotional components, just like the Genius.
Fortunately I’m getting better at staying grounded and letting my emotions alert me to something is very wrong without lettng them run amok.
Thank you for being here. I come out here and read when I need strength and support.
D,
I read your comment and immediately felt a physical reaction when you asked to change the date to Friday that screamed, I’m so psyched she isn’t going to go on Friday night! I don’t know why, but it was clear as a bell that you should not be in that situation.
Thank you for being here. We keep each other grounded, D. Always here…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow, you are amazing! I am so impressed at your ability to stay centered. I know this is almost a year ago for you but tomorrow is my first anniversary of my version of a Pocket Call. I wanted to read about yours and learn from you. I’m so glad I was able to. Thank you for sharing.
-S
S,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here. And for your kind words! What a year, eh? I’ve been going back through the posts recently and am floored by the ‘life miles’ I’ve tallied. Closing in on two years. This last year has been the best year of my life. You’re in for a beautiful ride, m’lady. This one is a game changer. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo