Happy New Year, kittens. Add this to the thousands of reasons why you deserve to have a year of adventures, magic and deep love in 2013: You have helped me to heal.
YOU have helped ME to heal – a person you have not met, isn’t related to you and isn’t crying on the shoulder of your favorite cashmere sweater, with an occasional nose wipe on the sleeve. You are all so remarkable – you GET that we’re all connected and that to help me heal is to help the world heal. Each moment you spend here at HGM makes the world a happier place. You pick up a seed of wisdom from a kitten or me and plant it in a place near you. It sprouts and nourishes those most in need of its fruit. And so on.
Thank you so much for spending time with me and for helping me, cheering me on, warning me, keeping me on track and making me laugh. 2012 was a memorable year. How’s that for a positive spin? Yes, it had its bleak, truly awful, moments. But the growth, the magic, the things I discovered about myself and about how this planet works were worth every tear shed (shed…that implies sloughed off – how about heaved, poured out, drowned in), every moment of fear, and every blue day. I’ve learned so much. From all of you.
And I’m still in class! I know this because I’m not dead. Thank God. Which means you’re all still my teachers. I hope you’re game. We’ve got a lot to accomplish in 2013. And what better place to start than with a reminder to us all about the importance of loving yourself.
I received this comment a few days ago from T:
Love yourself is such a hard thing to do after his affair. My boy genius had an affair and left 4 months after I gave birth to my darling daughter. I feel so angry at times and its now almost a year since he left and I cannot let it go and love myself. How do you do it ? Thanks Cleo- your blog is helping me.
I’ve pondered your question since first receiving it. My intention was to reply to it and post, as I normally do. Then the realization hit that we both have something we need to learn here. You want to know how to fall in love with yourself, and I need to revisit why I love myself. Both of our needs are big; perfect for a post on a night such as this. As I believe the most sound foundation to a joyful life is one constructed out of self-love. And a great new year begins with a solid foundation.
I look awful in carpenter jeans. Seriously. Pouring my Swedish hips, by way of Brazil, into pants with thigh pockets designed to hold power tools basically makes me a redwood. Not an attractive look for a human, but so explosive and grand coming out of the Earth.
So, you have to wear those.
I’ll wear the knee pads and elbow pads, face mask, and the harness that fits like a diaper. You’ll be laughing at me, for sure.
Time to build. But first we excavate.
He cheated on you. It was a decision he made and you bear no responsibility in it. Even if you were the world’s worst spouse. There is no justification for infidelity. Grow a pair (man or woman) and have a conversation. But the debris – the fall out – from his choice remains inside you.
It’s time for the dumpster.
All those monologues you recite to him as if he’s standing in front of you get tossed like wet pieces of dry wall. Your tears made them structurally unsound. It’s time to heave. The broken glass and pointed nails and itchy fiberglass, your pain and anger and fear, land on top with a satisfying thud. They’ve done their hard labor. As smelly and dirty and dangerous as the debris is, you spend time acknowledging each piece before you toss it with thumb and forefinger over the edge of the dumpster. If you don’t know what to say to them, just say thank you each time you lob one over the edge. Do not over-think this. Just love it. Buy into the true fact that thoughts become things, so the fractured, dank, messy ones MUST go. Like black mold.
The most satisfying part of excavation is the clean sweep. The final farewell to the snide remarks or wishes of karmic revenge or public humiliation. That’s all about him and it matters not to you. Open the side door and sweep them all out into the wind. If another materializes, back to the door with broom in hand.
You can’t spend time loving yourself if you’re spending your time hating him.
It’s no longer about him. It can’t be. This is YOUR life. You are responsible for your life. It’s not going to feel good at the end of this wild ride to say:
Well, I wasn’t very successful at living my life, but I sure carved him into pieces, huh?! I planted the flag with that anger, and defended it till my last day. Nobody could take it from me. I perfected my speech on how he deserted his family and broke my heart! How karma was going to get him back. I never got to deliver it…but I sure rehearsed it a lot!
What? Karma wants to talk to me, too?
She would if you gave up on this arduous challenge, thereby forgoing all the magic she knows you can create.
So, you’re all cleaned up, space has been made, you’ve released the negative chatter, anger and fear. Yes, they will return, but next time you’ll greet them as visitors and not residents, and see to it that they don’t overstay their welcome.
Now you’re ready to learn how to love yourself. Put away the notepad. This is a one-liner.
You chose to.
Make the choice to love yourself. Simply decide you will. I guarantee you it will be the absolute best decision you make. Ever. Because from this one decision all others will be guided by your love for yourself. You will soon consciously make choices that make you feel good. Not feel bad-good (overindulging, say) but genuinely good. Maybe in a way you’ve not felt in a long time.
Now, before I tell you all the reasons why you need to love yourself, just say it.
I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you. Really and truly, totally and completely love every inch of you, you delicious morsel of humanness, you. I love your laugh, the way you sneeze, the way refried beans make you gassy, and how you hiccup when you’ve had too much red wine. I love how your ears and teeth and toes are different from everybody else. I love your spirit. Your determination. And I love how you can be even more spirited and determined.
Why should you love you?
Because you’re brave. You’ve been loyal to you since your birth. You built you. You take on each day. You are alive at the most perfect time in the history of the world. The stars shine, the trees grow and give to you the air you need to live. When sadness clouds your vision the Earth still puts on a show of beauty so you don’t miss a second when your sight returns.
You’re a marvel. You walk, talk, think, feel.
Because only you can love you like you can love you. Every other love, mother, father, sibling, spouse, comes to you, not from within you. All love is great love, but that which comes from within and is meant only for you is pure, without question. And, like water in the desert, your love for yourself is essential in order to thrive, and at times in life, simply survive.
You are you, utterly unique. No event shall determine how lovable you are. You are lovable because you are alive. Somehow you made it through all the star dust and dark matter and found your way into your mother’s womb before somebody else did. Not an easy task.
For that reason alone you deserve to be loved.
Make the choice to love yourself.
That one big choice will make it so much easier to make all the little choices that reinforce your commitment to loving yourself. Choosing to let a negative thought float away rather than rolling in it like a dog on a dead animal. Choosing to smile right at the moment when you’d just rather not. Choosing to say hello to fear, and then remind it that it’s not useful within you, or productive, and is best left to working horror movies being filmed on closed sets in Hollywood.
Choosing to literally pull yourself back if you notice your mind running up ahead, digging up all sorts of things to fix or worry over. Instead, remind yourself that you’ve successfully navigated the worst parts of betrayal, an obstacle course like no other. These last two mammoth challenges – letting go of anger and loving yourself – deliver the sweetest rewards. Trust me, when you taste them all other confections will need to up their game to compete. That includes the love from your child. But she may only have to up it a smidge.
How is that possible?
Because you chose to love yourself. Right now, at 14 months old, your daughter loves you because you keep her alive. She laughs because you’re funny, but also because she can. Because she’s alive. And you’re the one keeping her that way. Later on she’ll grow to consciously love you as she comes to understand love. How will she understand it? Because you’ll teach her. You love her so very much, that you’ll also teach her how vital it is to love herself.
Boy, your daughter has perfect timing. She will be absorbing your every move, learning to echo your voice, mirror your thoughts. She is going to learn how to live her life initially through how you live yours. Look at what a perfect creation you made! The very best study partner!
You’ll teach her about compassion, optimism, and empathy, all by making the choice to love yourself. And she’ll remind you daily of all the reasons why you should. One day you’ll be able to teach her about forgiveness, and about how forgiving another is an act of self-love.
That’s a rock solid foundation for her.
For you, T, loving yourself will make it okay to let go. Anger doesn’t feel good. Neither do callouses. Unless they are from building your sanctuary. I’m feeling I Dream of Genie. All that love you give yourself can be the purple shag rug, and everything that goes into your bottle is soft, tender, playful, spirited, and full of promise.
It’s time to build the bottle, T, your sanctuary. After the roughing it you’ve done over this last year you deserve something plush. And nothing screams plush like love.
Tomorrow I will walk the sands of Limantour. It’s been exactly one year since our camping trip from hell. This time last year we were days from being ripped apart forever. I plan to relive that trip (there’s something yet to uncover there) and the days that came and went in 2012 with each step, going south till the water prevents my passage and then north until the sea heads inland, where the seals gather and the whales turn west to round Pt. Reyes.
I will set my intentions for 2013 surrounded by dunes and sand cliffs, waves of ocean water and beach grass, birds and whales, the deep blue of the daytime sky. Nature will be my witness as I say goodbye to all that needs to leave and make my choices for how I will live my life as this pristine year is born, free of all the blemishes of past years.
My gratitude, T, for reminding me why I deserve to be loved by me. Why we all deserve to love ourselves. Thank you for giving me a reason to be excited for tomorrow. I’m spending the day with someone I love.
Happy New Year. One day at a time. One choice at a time. Each moment in time, magic.
2013 is going to rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, you are my Fairy Godblogger ! The past two days have been (self) torture. Couldn’t sleep tonight so I jump on my email and? There you are, with words of wisdom and a swift kick in the pants for me. Perfect timing with a blog about self love. Something I find exceedingly difficult to do. Always have. Thank you for this gift, and thank you for giving us a place to congregate, to care about each other, and to be privy to a brave woman like yourself making lemonade out of battery acid. I’m not there yet, but knowing its possible gives me hope – something I thought no longer existed. My hope for you is that every shiny new day of 2013 brings you happiness, joy, peace and wisdom.
S,
This is an outfit I must have – my Fairy Godblogger outfit: sheer, emerald green panels of silk dotted with letters instead of sequins, a light-up wand with HGM instead of a star- that’s the best part – and black glitter stilettos NOT made for walking. Some day…
I am so grateful that my words came at the best time. I needed them, too.
I have a surprise for you, S. You are there. I can see you. I’m not kidding. You’re there. If you doubt that I’m going to come show you.
Please listen to The Parlotones I’ll Be There. Sing it to yourself. We have each other, S. But we can totally do this on our own. If the words don’t resonate just stare at Kahn. Works for me every time. Thank you for being here, S. Happy New Year!
Love yourself,
Cleo
You will look smashing ! But do crampons come in glitter? With stiletto heels? I will download the Parlotones post haste ! LOVE music, all kinds. I don’t know if you have much time for reading, but I recommend highly “The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing” by Melissa Bank. Cheers !
S,
They do now! I’m gonna custom order those puppies! Size 11 crampons, glitter, please? Oh. Mt. Rainier will never forget me.
Sigh. The Parlotones. Moving to Los Angeles from South Africa this month! I don’t have time for reading right now, but I will and have been compiling a list of all the books suggested by you delicious little furballs. This one’s in.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo-
Your response to my comment was overwhelming and just what I needed to hear as this new year starts. Your advice was so solid and proactive. Taking control of what you can and creating the life you want by taking responsibility for your own happiness. A powerful lesson for anyone but a lesson I need to work on and grow from.
As I put on my carpenter jeans and I begin to rebuild for myself and my darling daughter – I will love myself and let go.
Thank you for more then you will ever know,
T
T,
You made my day, m’lady. Stay close. We’re making magic together. One day soon we’ll rip off these work clothes and slip into our harem pants and clink our glasses of bubbly as we toast all our fabulous choices.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Happy new year, Ms. Cleo!
Beautiful words, even more lovely sentiments. Thank you. I was walking/talking with my sister yesterday talking about new year’s goals or just regular intention setting and I was reminded of the difference between a decision and a preference (a podcast I heard a few years ago by tony robbins – not usually my favorite but he’s full of wisdom at times). He articulated how we think we’re making decisions (e.g. I want to lose weight or want to quit drinking…) but really we’re stating preferences unless we really, really decide that there is no other option when faced with the opportunity to drink, etc (or whatever it is we’re deciding about). I channeled this last year with multiple endeavors and felt so empowered.
With your example, if we truly decide to love ourselves no matter what, it isn’t even an option to fall into self doubt. When that pops up, we can have an inner (or better yet, out loud) response of “oh dear, that’s not possible to feel like shit today, because I love myself! How silly of me to think it was even a choice!”
So glad you’re here.
L,
Thank you so much for sharing this excellent perspective. How subtle – preference versus decision. It’s the subtleties that are fascinating to ponder. The more I do, the more I realize that we are so close to everything we want to be, feel, experience, explore…all it takes is a subtle shift to crack open the walls we build and let the magic flow in.
We deserve our love, and we deserve magic. Thank you for being here right at this most perfect time.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Amazing, Amazing Amazing!!!! Thanks Cleo. I wrote to you before. My husband cheated when our “little dude” was not quiet one and I am still holding on to much anger. I love how you said “you cant love yourself if your spending your time hating him” Thank You! So much inspiration and fabulous words. I am loving your blog and appreciate this one on such a deep level. Thank you
Heather
H,
Happy New Year, beautiful! You’re welcome. I am super grateful to have you here. Man, we are going to be the most loved and adored people ever. I can just feel it! Thank you for taking the time to let me know that my words help you. I’m beaming.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Happy new year Cleo and kittens! Love your blog and all of the collective wisdom. So much of this post hit home. I think I am finally getting it. Now need to start living it! Feeling really good about 2013. Cheers, M.
M,
Happy New Year to you, too, m’lady! I feel I’m finally beginning to be consciously aware of and benefiting from self-love. Lots of rewiring needed to happen. Now I have this sensation of being safe. Well-cared for. Able to leap tall buildings in high heels. Scooping up the momentum and greeting January with open arms.
I’m so stoked to be here and to have you here with me. Thank you! Stay close…less muck, more magic over these next 12 months!
Love yourself,
Cleo
I just spent the last week reading your blog from the start. I found out about my husbands infidelity 2 years ago. I have been taking one day at a time. My husband has been doing everything right since that time but I still have my wall up. Reading your blog has made me realize even more that I just need to put myself first. You have motivated me to take control of my life once again! Thank you!
B,
I am so grateful you found HGM and that our words have helped you. Putting yourself first makes me think of boundaries and vulnerability. Must haves for tearing down a wall, or 20. Best thing is that establishing boundaries and being vulnerable are natural byproducts of loving yourself.
One day at a time is a most perfect pace. I admire your courage and the commitment you have to your marriage. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. Please stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Happy New Year Cleo and all the kittens!! May 2013 consist of 365 days of adventures, fresh starts and woo-hoos for everyone!! I woke up yesterday morning feeling deeply unhappy…the kind of unhappiness I hadn’t felt since moving out of our family home. Maybe it was the culmination of the first holiday season post-separation finally getting the best of me. In any event, I decided to sit with the feeling for a while and give it a chance to tell me what I needed to know. And it worked. I discovered that I still have not taken my rightful place behind the wheel and taken control of my life. I decided that that will now permanently change. This is MY life and always has been. All successes and failures are MINE and its up to me to give it all I’ve got. Then I just read your latest post and it reinforced exactly what I’ve come to realize. Serendipity is happening all over the place!! Keep it up, gorgeous…you have no idea the positive influence you are bestowing throughout all creation (even, and especially, during those heart-wrenching moments of “weakness” and “vulnerability”).
M,
Beautiful! Bravo! What a gift you gave yourself – time alone with you to look, listen, ponder. I love this part: “And it worked.”
I picture myself saying that the first time with eyes wide and mouth agape as if nothing has ever worked before, in all the ages of time, in the history of man, since the Universe began – out of nothing (WHA?)!
Now I have a sly smile, eyebrow lifted, index finger to lips as I witness it working time and again. As I read your words I feel you just bursting open, so ready to meet whatever comes your way with curious eyes and an optimistic heart. You, m’lady, are on your way to having a blast. And thank you for your kind words and for being here. Happy New Year, M!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Happy New Year, Cleo! I’ve been silently reading over the busy last weeks of 2012 and not commenting but was comforted by your gentle consistency of posting. I am considering some NY Resolutions this year even though I rarely do so, because it just feels like I’ve come out from under the weight of 2012 to a new shiny opportunity at my future. Self-Love is at the top of my list. I read another blog recently in which the guy described all his faults, but met them one for one with his good points. Good vs. Evil, we all have them, and our negative self-talk must be met with our inner cheerleader and be Rah-Rah-Rah’ed into submission.
Here, here, New Year! Yay, 2013!!
T,
Right on! The mind…it so loves a problem. It fears not being needed, so it’s always looking for something to vex over.
It’s cliche, but our faults are simply opportunities for improvement. We’d be dead if we were perfect. Which would suck. So I’m going to take my time getting all this s…tuff figured out. I don’t want to be prematurely whisked away to the hereafter a moment too soon!
I’m looking at your 2013 right now. You better be ready – it looks spectacular.
Love yourself,
Cleo
“You can’t spend time loving yourself if you’re spending your time hating him”. But letting go of the love is as hard as letting go of the anger. Especially when there is no anger. Cleo, your advice as always, can be applied in a few different directions. I have no anger, but I still have love. However, surely I’m not loving myself if I’m loving someone who cheated on me. Who lied to me. Who didn’t respect me enough to end things before beginning things with someone else. Is being cheated on and lied to a form of mental abuse? Because I wouldn’t stand for being abused. (Please forgive me if I have offended anyone here). So, my work continues, as does the fine tuning.
P,
I’m not sure where I wrote this, maybe in a notebook where I jot many a thought, but I do believe infidelity is a form of mental abuse. And I’m okay saying it. I’d debate it on a stage if need be. It deserves a post, so I’ll leave it at that for now.
My love for The Genius died the day I found out he cheated on me. I remember telling him I loved his soul – that was before I found out he was still lying to me even after he was SO relieved he didn’t have to lie anymore. I don’t love anything about him. Which is sad. But it’s a choice he made – I had no say in it. Many people recently have shared with me that they are still in love with their cheating spouse. I’d like to spend a weekend with all of them and really find out about that love. My intuition says that that love is real – only it’s meant not for the cheating spouse but for the one who needs it most. It’s just they are so used to giving it away that they believe it’s not intended for them.
I believe you are doing a masterful job with all that fine-tuning. Stay close and know that you are much appreciated here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
What a great post! I had made this as a goal for 2013 as I seem to have lost my way in this past year. I had started reading your posts and then stumbled upon this one tonight and it has helped to make me realize that this is what i must focus on this year.
My breakup and subsequent divorce was five years ago. I had counselling and it made a world of difference to me. I learned to let go of all the hate and anger towards my ex and be nice to him for our childrens sake as well as my own.
However, unfortunately some of the anger and associated pain has started to creep back into my life. Thanks for your post, I have to find myself again to love.
Hope you continue on your path of happiness and sharing!
Anne-Marie
A,
Happy New Year! Wise kittens once told me that progressing through betrayal and divorce is not a linear experience. It helps to remind myself of that as things do tend to creep back in. I consider their arrival another opportunity to learn. And with the foundation of self-love I no longer feel threatened by pain, anger, tears. Make a little bed for those feelings on the front porch of your heart.
Everybody needs a little love! Stay close, A. I’m here for the duration which I peg to be for at least another 50 years. So grateful you are walking with me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I know I am quite the sporadic commenter, however, I see the pain that you and so many others post in the comments, along with the struggle to come to grips with what happened to you and your journey forward. I can only speak for myself, of course, but I *do* know that before you love another, you must first love yourself. You are so right on that count, Cleo. If you do not love yourself, trying to find someone to fill that gap will only lead to disappointment, as he (or she), will not fill the expectation you have for love. It is when you love yourself, that the self-confidence will show, and it will radiate that you are ready to love others. I am sure a lot is a survival instinct; I know my own Mom went through that when she has two (!) “husbands” do that to her. She was not ready for the second, caught him on the rebound, and, while, she was probably the happiest with him, he tore her apart emotionally in the end, because she was not ready; she did not love herself yet. I can see that now, looking back on it.
I know this is a forum of a lot of very thoughtful and caring people. I know that. I also know that there are a lot of people who have been burned, bad, and are reluctant to put their hand back over the flame. All I can say is don’t give up on us dudes as a species. There are good guys out there
. My mom took a step back after her hand got burned for a second time, and found someone she has been married to for now 32 years, who I proudly call my Dad because he has earned it (even tough I was 16 when they got married). As for myself, I found someone at 18, (yeah, young), but I was bound and determined to be both faithful and devoting to my wife. We will be celebrating our 30th Anniversary this year. Probably the fact that I was a nerd at the time probably helped, and she was older than me by 5 years (I’ve been told I am an old soul) 
… Anyway, no, you don’t need a man to be fulfilled, and you need to find whatever your happiness in life is, but love yourself, and then, once you do love yourself, make sure you keep your heart open. It will find the way…
LTMM
L,
Happy New Year! Your words are so perfect. Thank you for sharing them. You know how I feel about you dudes. Love. Just love you.
My heart will always remain open. All beings deserve to be loved, even those that betray us. But for now I’m going to focus my love on me and a worldwide love for all those who walk the earth.
It is always a delight to hear form you, L. Your perspective helps to temper the generalizations that sometimes, understandably, spill forth.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Making the choice to love oneself is difficult; especially for those who believe they are only worthy if there is a spouse to love them. Often we get caught up in a net of marriage with a spouse who squashes our love for ourselves through any number of means… infidelity, abuse, depression or a plain lack of respect for us as equals. All are filled with unhappiness. With the close of each post Cleo, you tell us to love ourselves. Often the most important things are directly in front of us.
“It is easier to live through someone else than to complete yourself. The freedom to lead and plan your own life is frightening if you have never faced it before. It is frightening when a woman finally realizes that there is no answer to the question ‘who am I’ except the voice inside herself.” – Betty Friedan
Happy Anniversary Cleo!!! You are free to complete yourself now! You always know exactly who you are and you always know that you will love yourself…. How simultaneously exilhirating and relaxing!!! You rely on only your little self. The best part is that you are happy now, happy with your life and all its changes….You are happy about all you have learned, survived, overcome, and surpassed. I’d bet to guess you’re happier than you’ve been in many moons! BLT’s from the Watermill on the beach to start….
P,
Oh, the BLTs. And the accompanying pickle. And the hope of a John-john sighting. Gluten allergy be damned, I’d scarf one of those BLTs in a fit of lust, pickle juice running down my arm and puddling in the sand.
I am happier than I’ve been in many, many moons. Both by choice and as a reward for consciously moving through 2012 with bravery and optimism. Add a third reason to that – I let go of anger and fear and never allowed pity to even knock on the front door.
All of that possible with the love, support and extreme wisdom of you kittens. We really need to rent an island and go on holiday together. Imagine that. Thank you for being here, P. The world is a much cooler place with you in it. Even though you’re so hot.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your post. For me , like for many of us it seems, it comes at the perfect time. I have spent the last 2 years with a man who, while he claims he has not been physically unfaithful (“claims”… as you can see, my trust has been shot), has been emotionally unfaithful. For 2 years, I have repeatedly stumbled across facebook and text conversations with other women, all which have been much more than simply friendly. In the beginning, it was always an accidental discovery, opening messages because I thought I was in my account, etc., but as it often goes, as my trust was lost, so went my sanity, and I began to snoop. I do not advocate violating somebodies privacy in this way, but if I compare crossing that boundary to remaining in the dark, I think I prefer the former.
When I look back on the past 2 years, and on the many conversations we had, in which I endeavoured to make him understand the negative consequences of his actions, (which I see as a form of infidelity) I honestly feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself. After each conversation came a promise from him not to do it again, and a recognition of the hurt he was causing me. After the first failure to hold his promise, I should have gotten the message. I know better. I am better. I deserve better. But coupled with his “soft” cheating, he also has the uncanny knack of pushing me down, making me doubt my worth, and ultimately believing that if he was behaving that way, I held some responsibility in it as well. With him I forgot how to love myself, I stopped being the independent and free me that I had always been before, and I began to believe his insults.
To this day he sincerely denies ever having taken the next step and being physically unfaithful. He promises this to me looking me straight in the eyes, and while 90% of me believes him, 10% of me is incapable of believing anything that comes out of his mouth after so many broken promises. I had given him so many chances, and watched the same thing happen so many times, and every time it happened, I forgot a little bit more that I deserve a different, healthier kind of love. Perhaps I thought that because he didn’t take that next step, it wasn’t all that bad. But it still felt bad.
Today I finally called for an end for the last time, after once again discovering another conversation with another woman. The thing is, I have taken this step before, but in the end, a few days pass and somehow I end up back with him. I’m hopelessly in love with this man, I moved halfway across the world for him, and in the end I always want to have faith that love will overcome it all. But reading your post, I realized for the first time that while love DOES overcome it all, it’s gotta be my love for myself, not my love for him. The only thing that will prevent me from returning again to be hurt again will be my ability to truly love myself and demand better treatement of myself. As this new year begins, so does the process of excavation, of cleaning out any remnant misplaced hope for a better future with him. So thank you, for giving me a step by step guide on how to begin.
N,
You’re welcome! And thank you for taking the time to comment. Reading your words, I felt like we were at a cafe having coffee and I was watching you work this all out on your own. You know exactly what to do.
You moved across the world to be with him, and I moved to California with The Genius to breathe new life into our relationship. I bet our souls had other ideas. I wonder if you love where you now live. I know my soul needed to get here. And as soon as I did everything started to fall into place. (Some may look at what happened and say, Everything fell apart. But we all know it doesn’t work that way.) I’ve come to believe that our souls long for a particular place to call home. Where the energy resonates best, where we are best positioned to flourish. Marin is that place for me.
“…love DOES overcome it all, it’s gotta be my love for myself, not my love for him.” Yes! Our priority needs to be to love ourselves first. I believe we see a lot more of what is really going on when we’re in love with ourselves. If we love another more than ourselves we are likely in the dark about a lot of things.
Do what feels good. Don’t swim upstream – you’re not a salmon. I’m confident you will see exactly what is going on and what you need to do in short order. I hope you feel comfortable enough to share your progress. Always here for you, m’lady.
Love yourself,
Cleo
The ironic thing is I moved AWAY from the Bay Area (been a native of Sonoma County, Marin County, San Francisco and Berkeley for almost my whole life), and you’ve probably noticed that there is no place on earth comparable. I’m coming home this year and every time I think about it, my soul summersault a little bit for the joy of it!
And you in Bolinas! You cannot imagine the good-vibe-envy I feel towards you. Good things truly happen to good people. Lucky are the small, small handful of people who can call themselves residents of Bolinas. Unlucky are the poor souls who venture into it as tourists…
I do love where I am now (Chile), but just not to live in any more (it’s been three years total). I wouldn’t trade my decisions for any others, and living in here for so long has made me the kind of person I am proud to be; it all happened for a reason, and part of that reason was to remind me that there is really no place like home.
As for loving myself, it has been a bi-polar journey, but every day its getting more and more balanced.
N,
Ah, Chile. Spicy. And the benefit of returning home to a beautiful place. Magical. As Winter nears a close, the excitement in me builds for the fun of long days and long hikes. I’m certain she’ll put on a show for your arrival!
I see you standing tall in an old-growth forest of coastal redwoods. So very delighted to be there and so very in love with you. Oh, and you’re smiling at the canopy with your arms outstretched, both hands making the A-OK sign. Sweet.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow,for all the wounded ladies out there that are too scared to speak up,this post really hit a nerve.
I am 6 years out from a devastating break up, but have forgotten how to love myself.this will be my new year,s resolution…..huge hugs to you cleo….
P,
You, P, are loveable. Who better to do it than you? A part of your NEw Year’s resolution ought to be a nice date with yourself, to include tender talking, heartfelt listening, and lots of There, there, you beautiful being you.If I could bottle Love Yourself, I would. It would change the world. I’m cheering you on, m’lady! You CAN do it, and it’s going to feel so very good.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here. Happy New Year!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo,
I found You when I was at my darkest – You were my light in the end of the tunnel. Last February my boyfriend of six years asked for a break – words that broke me in every way. We were the golden couple, together from high school, I was always the specialist on my girlfriends relationship problems – boy was I wrong, I didn’t know anything about relationships as I didn’t see anything wrong with us.
There are many things I am thankful in my life, and I must say, the break and finding HGM are among those. Shortly after I went to visit my friend 1200 miles away and what was supposed to be a quick vacation turned up to a month of loving life (kind of eat-pray-love thing). And then I also found You. When I read HGM I feel like there’s a friend sitting next to me and telling her story, and I just listen it again and again to learn it by heart. It sounds cheesy, but I just want to absorb every word on HGM to be able to grow. I realized how there are so many of us out there, and thanks to HGM, everyone are joining hands and hearts over the Internet to support another one in the dark.
I learned to live like never before, I felt so stupid – how did I forget to love life, enjoy it – in my age (I’m 24)! After the brake-turned-break-up, everything fell together for me – got myself a car, a great job, got my very own puppy, spent a lot of time with my dearest girlfriends and enjoyed every minute of it. I also found my true me – I think I never met “her” before, because she was a lot different that I was. She was happy and her life was full of laughter. So I too decided to be happy, to be “her”, no matter what. In June my then-ex appeared back into my life and I understood just how unhappy I really was with him in the last year or so – we were so used to each other and took everything as granted. We found our way back to each other, but this time, I am truly happy – and I am not letting myself forget it. The feeling of loving life, and yourself.
Just wanted You to know, that You and Your words travel thousands of miles to a little country in Europe, into my laptop and my heart. You have changed my life and I shall never forget the lesson learned. And I am still learning.
S,
If you weren’t so far away, I would track you down and hug the daylights out of you! Thank you so much for your kind words. For letting my words into your heart and for taking the time to let me know how you feel.
“…I felt so stupid – how did I forget to love life, enjoy it – in my age (I’m 24)!” You are light years ahead of me. I just started to figure this stuff out a year ago – at 46! Truth be told, I feel 24. Actually, 30. So much in my life now is reminiscent of when I was 30. It’s as if the Pocket Call kicked me right back to where I was then in my journey. Happy. Full of laughter – just like you. So, consider yourself a total goddess for getting this now. You have choices to make, and in this enlightened state I am confident that you will make the best choices for what you need to accomplish on this planet. I think of you at 40 and BEAM!
“I know it sounds cheesy…” Given that you’re in Europe (Where?), may I suggest an expression for those times when you want to feel a little pompous? I know it sounds fromage… It gets the best sideways looks of You are so strange. Love that. Maybe I’m not 30 or 24…maybe I’m 14.
One of the best things about HGM is that our words here can truly help those in the absolute darkest hours of their lives as they deal with betrayal and divorce, andthey can inspire those who are trying to develop better ways to navigate the choppy waters that come wit the tides of life. I’m glad you found HGM now, and that you have the intuition to see how life can be so very rich and joyful even when dealing with adversity.
Thank you, S. I’m really grateful to have you here. I’m serious about that hug.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I came across your blog yesterday. I have read through June and cannot get enough. Who I thought was the love of my life (since 18, we are practically 39) has dumped me for a coworker. We have four incredible children (5,7,10 and 12) that give me a reason to move on. I am in the betrayal cuts me to the core stage. I cycle from sad to angry to irate to once in a while, blessed acceptance. There is so much for me to learn and it is so hard. He gives me assinine comments about living life, positivity (is that even a word?) and going to have fun. Really? This is how he thinks I am going to have fun? Raising four children on my own sounds like a barrel of laughs. He clings to his fantasy of not having left the kids and being there whenever they need him. I am going to keep on reading your entries. I am going to learn about myself and I will emerge better and stronger, right? I am off to discover Krav Maga with my 12 year old. Beating people up, I mean self-defense, is probably a good therapy.
B,
I am so grateful you found HGM and that you took the time to comment. “I am going to keep on reading your entries. I am going to learn about myself and I will emerge better and stronger, right?” Yes, you will, if you choose to do so. Or you can choose to let his words shape your life, let this event take away your precious time here on the planet.
Something tells me that is so not you. Who cares what he thinks. It’s simply not important. He made his choices and they’re cowardly, ugly choices. You make the beautiful ones so you can be proud and reap the rewards. There will be many.
Working out – in what ever fashion you choose – is the best therapy for your body. Do it and do it hard. And stay close…there are so many beautiful souls here to help guide you through this most challenging time. You WILL make it magical.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Ok. Just wanted to share with someone out there what I am using to get going every morning. I wrote this few days ago.
I release you.
You are free to have your new life, I will hold the fort on my old one.
You are free to love her, I love you less each day.
You can have the kids for so little time, I will love them enough for both of us.
You can rewrite our history, changing all the facts. I will always remember the way it really was.
You can justify your actions with every excuse in the book. I will accept your need to do this to live with yourself.
You can move on without me. I will find a new and better life. It is the children who will not.
You can pick up the kids and have tons of fun each time you have them. They know I am the responsible one and the one they turn to for everything that counts.
You can throw away our family and friends. I will love them all enough to make it up to them.
You can live your life, fighting against everyone who wants what is best, and knows this is not it. I accept all of their support, hugs and comfort.
You can throw away your family’s support. I accept it for not only me, but our children. They are truly incredible people. They have picked sides, and it is not their own blood. That is a truly powerful statement to me. I have done everything I can, and they all know it.
I do not choose this new life, but I am living it. I loved you, with all my heart. You are not good enough for me. You are toxic. You are a liar, a cheater and the worst role model for our children. I am sorry you have broken their hearts, but I am glad I am the one trying to glue them back together. I am glad I hear, “It is not your fault” whenever I apologize for your absence. I am glad when they are devastated, they tell me it is because of your bad choices. Knowing I am their rock, is the comfort I need right now. I know as they become adults, they will look back on this and see an incredibly strong woman who tried to save her marriage then accepted it was over and never stopped fighting for them. This is another thing I hang on to. As adults, I know they will have an even deeper love for me knowing what I went through and how I helped them survive your betrayal.
Our children will live successful lives, despite your presence in them. They already know marriage is suppose to be for life. When they enter into it, I have told them, you enter into it for life. I have told them when life gets tough, you turn to your spouse and work it out. You do not leave. If it is not working for you, you work even harder. I assure them that this is not their destiny. They will get therapy and learn to discuss their feelings. They will learn life gets dull, boring and monotonous (which needed to be defined). Life is what you bring to it, I said. If you are bored, then you need to find the excitement. If you are stressed, you need to figure out relaxation and ask for help. Any barrier in life is easier to cross if you just let your partner hold your hand and help carry you through.
My letters will not stop on their behalf. It is probably frustrating. I pile it on for them. For me, I am moving on. You are not the one for me. I know that. I suppose there will always be some love, but only because you helped create four children -the ones I will never destroy as you have done.
Go live your new life. I am fine. Everyday I get a little better.
I am sorry you didn’t think I was worth it.
I am sorry you you did not let me in.
I am sorry you miss our children’s moments, like T in the bathroom.
I am sorry I am moving on. We had a great love story but I guess I will hold out hope there is actually a better one for me.
All the women I know who have gone through this assure me my life will be better because I deserve so much more. Each has happily remarried or is on their way. Having four kids will mean my new man will have to be that much more special. I am eager to find him, wherever he is.
Good luck. I do really hope you end up happy.
I loved you. I guess this is the end of forever and a day. That day came.
B,
Thank you for sharing these words that clearly poured from your soul through your fingers to the keys.
I would like to see how you amend them over time, keeping the original draft and all subsequent renditions.
B, please be sure to take some time to nurture yourself. You have a huge responsibility with those four beautiful souls. I have to figure out a way to get all you single Mom kittens spa days. Infidelity detox days.
Bingo. I’m a’gonna make that happen. Thanks for the great idea, B. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Too funny. My sweet 12 year old son, who obviously is the most compassionate 12 year old boy on the planet realized I was not getting anything for Christmas. He called my mother and said he wanted to send me to a spa for Christmas and only had $45. My Teary-eyed mother and him asked my four siblings for contributions and I have a rockin’ massage and facial booking in front of me. I so deserve all the pampering. All because of my beautiful baby boy.
B,
He’s proud of his mama. Beautiful. We are so blessed to have these souls, who I believe chose us to be their Moms, in our lives. They’re relying on us to light the way for them. You are doing a magnificent job. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Those words made me tear up.
What kind of a father/man thinks his lifetime of happiness is equal to the happiness of his 4 children
Rehardless, thats his fail. You will be content when you grow old with your 4 children by your side.
He may or may not be happy, may or may not havehis children there.thats the risk he took. Hope its worth it for him
Im sending you a hug beth. You are an amazing mother.
K,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being there for B. My heart swells to twice its size whenever a kitten reaches out to pet another. What a stunning collection of souls we have here at HGM. You are all so beautiful.
Love yourself,
Cleo