I thought divorce was a challenge. Writing this post on needs is right up there. I don’t get writer’s block. Quite the opposite. I can go and go; endurance is clearly an asset of mine. (Note to self, that’s not always a desirous attribute. See boundaries.) But for a reason that I will uncover, it’s been one excuse after another to avoid writing down my needs. Sure, they were decent excuses – being sick, getting into the summer cadence with the boys, squeezing in some challenging workouts to continue to prepare for Whitney and the bay – but I can see that they were excuses for pushing off what I must be afraid to write down.
Maybe I’m so out of touch with my needs that I can’t find them. Or I can’t articulate that which I don’t feel I deserve.
Since my bay swim and the dust-up with The Genius, I’ve been trying to sweep away the red herrings and white noise and get down to what’s really going on here within my divorce. I know I’m not an ‘entitled brat’, but when I’m called that more than once, coupled with being called a princess, I react by questioning myself. I want to defend myself. I want to engage in a battle of words and barbs to clear my name. When I’m told to come down off my high-horse, a favorite expression that has been used against me time and again, I start to dismount.
I’m getting a little nauseous by just writing those words. The tears are building up around the rims of my eyes. I am not an entitled brat. I am not a princess. I am not on a high horse. I’ve allowed myself to be led by my nose so often in my life that when someone tells me who I am or what I am, I am inclined to dutifully accept it. I wear it and the shame that comes with believing that I am a brat or a princess or misplaced on a high horse that I don’t deserve to ride.
When I met The Genius I was at the top of my game. Killing it at work, in great shape thanks to trail running and a healthy way of life, and truly, blissfully content and happy with me. I was delighted to be alone, with myself. Then we collided. Slowly, I allowed myself to be drawn into his world. I went along for the ride. I was just so happy to unexpectedly be in the arms of a man I loved, when I had just come to the realization that it would never happen, that I just rolled with it. I let myself go.
During the pivotal years of my 30s I lost my way and I lost a lot of ground. I wasted so much time living a life that was designed by another because I thought it would make him happy. (And, let’s be real, because it was easier to fold into another than to remain centered on a path I did not even know I had the right to travel.) But the opposite happened. When I stopped taking care of my needs I became unhappy, and then so did The Genius, if he ever was happy to begin with. I imagine this is not an unusual occurrence. (I sniff Need #1)
Moving to California, reigniting my love affair with myself and Nature, and challenging my body to be in its best form has brought me right back to where I was when I met The Genius. Right where I left off. Only a whole lot wiser. But still with so much to learn that at times I wonder if I’m just a super late bloomer. (Do you smell that? Need #2)
This realization, which occurred at about 11 PM last night as I let hot water run over me in the shower, that I did not tend to my needs and got lazy with life while with The Genius, opened up the gates that had been woven shut by vines and webs, behind which impatiently waited my needs.
They tumbled out like a bushel load of schmuzzies.
If you don’t know what a schmuzzie is than you must also not know about the magic that is The Upside Down Show with David and Shane. Oh. Delicious. Madness. You must see a schmuzzie and an episode or 10 of the show. Start here. The schmuzzies, colorful little furballs, appear at about the 20 second mark. David is a prime example of my definition of pure hotness, just as an aside…I love a well-developed sense of humor and a willingness to be ultra silly.)
It seems I needed to determine where I went astray, why I put my needs away like winter clothes as the mercury rises, so that I could reconnect with what they were then. Not create them from scratch now, as if they never existed at all. They waited so patiently. It makes me feel sad that I was so willing to ignore them. It is time for them to stretch their furry little arms, rub the dust from their eyes and climb all over me like a litter of kittens smelling the milk of life.
Before I begin with Need #1, I need to say, for my own benefit, what most of you probably already instinctively know. Needs are not wants, or desires or luxuries. Needs are not what I expect from another. Needs are what I must fulfill and nourish in order to be cared for so that I can naturally live an honest and true and authentic life. This web of boundaries and needs, values and morals, woven together harmoniously, creates the unbreakable foundation upon which I may stand tall and live large. Confidently. And joyfully. Playfully. And happily. So centered that I can embrace sadness with as much respect and love as I can embrace joy. So well cared for that I have unlimited resources to care for others. Peaceful. Content. Compassionate. Loving. Free.
Without further ado, I give you Cleo’s Hierarchy of Needs. Well, the first three anyway. This post deserves to be a two-parter…
Need #1: To make tending to my needs a top priority in my life. Identifying them goes a long way towards fulfilling this need, no? When I am meeting my needs I am taking responsibility for my life. And, at this time, my needs need to be met by me alone.
Need #2: I need to be in Nature on a very regular basis, challenging my physical body and taking time to nurture my emotional and psychic bodies, in her arms. It is clear as virgin glass that my journey involves a deep partnership with Nature. My heart bursts open like a double Peony when I’m soaking in her energy. I will honor this need and honor myself by treating my body like the absolute gift it is.
Need #3: To remain independent while experiencing interconnectedness. Whether that is while with the boys by providing them ample room to be who they genuinely are without hyper-guidance or controlling critique from me – playful, spirited, energetic, mad, sad, tired, cranky. Or in the midst of an encounter with another by feeling centered and confident enough to simply be who I am naturally, not trying to please or jostle for a comfortable position. It’s a beautiful feeling, but one that requires being fully present in the moment to nurture into a natural habit. I need to be who I am and resist the mind-created urge to shift around and be what I feel may make others happy or make my path easier to traverse.
I’ll take a breather there. I cannot express to you how amazing I feel inside right now. I knew big things were around the corner. Not loud or sparkly or all 3D glitterness but rather quietly beautiful and deeply magical, like discovering my needs. I am literally laughing and crying at the same time right now.
Okay, now I’m just sobbing. The most joyful tears. Tears of gratitude. That are being launched off my face by lips stretched into a wide smile.
I am me. I am loving. I am kind. I am honest. I am centered and grounded. I am grateful. I am worthy of having my needs met. I take responsibility for insuring that they are well-cared for from this point forth.
Needs Part Deux to come tomorrow night after a very important meeting about my future and a brilliant bay swim.
I’m so grateful to have you all here to walk with me. Your support over these last few weeks has been so key as I navigate these choppy waters. Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, you have distilled into a couple of paragraphs, what tends to happen to (most women? me?) when we get into a love relationship with a man. We are programmed by nature to CARE FOR OTHERS, from partners to babies. This means that by necessity, our own needs, and our need for CARE, get shoved aside and take a back seat. Or, to use a current image – our needs get to ride in a box on top of the car.
Children genuinely need a caregiver in every sense of the word. But do partners need/deserve a caregiver who is willing to put her own needs in a box on the top of the car? NO! But that’s what we do, over and over.
Then children grow up and become teenagers (I’m going through this right now) and we have to tread the tightrope wire of allowing them to feel “entitled” without turning them into spoiled brats who will only feel deeply deprived when they hit the real world! We give them everything, then expect them to turn around and get by without “everything”. It’s a conundrum!
Back to you…you are doing the hard work here. I appreciate it. I am a bit older, and disabled, but I really relate to your basic need to keep your body healthy and strong, and your right not to have your needs put in a box on top of the car!
Love yourself!
C,
It is a tightrope walk, for sure! That’s certainly a reason to be balanced and centered.
One of the best commitments I made to myself is to keep my body strong and healthy. It gives me the inner strength I need to do this hard, beautiful and so very rewarding work. It’s really not work at all, but simply living. This is what I meant to do. It’s the give-back for being gifted life.
I can say I am genuinely in love with myself. That has made all the difference these last several months. It took some time to get here, and I’m still logging the miles, but I am energized from within by my own love. I have lots leftover to give to all of you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Send this to your ex
http://www.iluvmariah.com/2010/02/27/what-is-a-housewife-worth/
Dear amazing Cleo, I can hardly write tonight but wanted to thank you so very much. Thank you for helping me get back to what I have needed for many years: getting back to a healthy journey of self discovery, re discovering my love of movement in nature, believing that maybe there is something salvageable about my existence after all. I am so sorry for your pain but it appears it has releasesd you. I truly wish the best for your children + for you. Love from across the miles.
L,
You are magical, and everything about your existence is magical. Thank you for being here. Stay close. It’s beautiful to look around while on my path and see all your delicious faces, hearts and souls.
Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Entitled brat? Princess? High horse? Cleo honey, I’ll tell you what you are if you’re going to believe it. You are AMAZING. An overused word for sure, but you really are. You have caused me to stop and give pause to my emotions and listen to what’s really going on before I respond. I never did that before I started reading your blog. If you’re touching me on that level, imagine how many more people are doing the same thing after reading your blog? You are affecting many, many people in a very positive way. We are all kindred souls in that way even if all of us aren’t going through a divorce or something as painful. Words are just words, don’t believe them, especially when you know they aren’t true. You are the last person I’d think to call an entitled brat. Man, you give TG more credit and respect than he deserves, honey. You are much more like a saint than a princess. Keep on doing what you do, it’s important. What he says isn’t.
C,
Thank you so very much for your kind words. I am so grateful that my writings have resonated with you. To feel that I have helped people, whatever challenge they are experiencing, is the greatest feeling in the world next to looking into the eyes of the boys and seeing their love for me and my love for them.
I don’t know about sainthood, but I am committed to living a compassionate, loving, heart-centered life. It started with forgiveness and will continue to blossom from there.
What is it that my Mom always said? Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. Your words of support mean so very much to me. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
This post saddened me (because of what you are going through with The Genius). I too had an ex that felt that my being a SAHM was worthless after the divorce. He went so far as to say I didn’t have right to anything since I hadn’t “worked for anything” whilst married. I hope you are taking proactive steps to protect yourself for your children’s sake. What we give as SAHMs is impossible to put a money figure on. Yet this is something that can easily be used to make us question our value and worth. I’m glad your boys have the consistency of you right now as the transition to finalizing your divorce occurs.
The NEEDS bit of your post was great. Your writing is truly exquisite. So articulate and evocative; I’m sure you will continue to reap many rewards from it. Keep kneading your needs, revel in them and swim in them until you are pruney and can recognize them and fulfill them without reminder. Blessings to you and your loved ones!
Love,
Jane
J,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your kind words.
“Keep kneading your needs, revel in them and swim in them until you are pruney and can recognize them and fulfill them without reminder.” So beautifully said. Fulfill them without reminder…
I will be in the bay today thinking about all of you. Your support over these past several days (and, really, since the beginning) has been so instrumental in helping me to remain balanced and loving. I feel as though I cannot express my appreciation enough through words alone. So my bay swim is dedicated to all of you. You’ve been in the water with me all the way…
Thank you, love you, owe you, J.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, darling, you made me cry. You are a truly wonderful person and so many of us are inspired by you. The Genius is utterly stupid – to call you a princess or an entitled brat – and you are not on your high horse. You’ve been a great wife and mother, and you are brilliantly talented and I think we all know you are beautiful as well. What I think is amazing about you is you resolutely take the high road, do the right thing as if it’s a reflex, when it actually hurts you or is so hard. You are, in a word, fabulous.
Maybe the Genius is reeling, deflecting what he’s feeling. You’re in California, that means half of everything, right? A bit of a cut for him and Miss Park and Ride Car Rental Chick. Just keep taking that high road, let the law take the decisions it takes, and remember who you are. You are above this. This is not your fault. HE is the one to do this terrible thing, and do it for four years. You are innocent, and you’ve been terribly hurt, and yet you soar above it all. You’re a miracle. It must be hard to know what he’s done, look at you, and see his future with Miss Park and Ride. A bit different to have a real relationship than one in a perfect bubble. And they both know what they did to two innocent children, and the children will know it one day, too, and that’s a defining thing that defies a neat escape.
But this is not about them. This is about you. I sense you are really vulnerable. Do you have a great attorney? Do you need to even deal with the (not) Genius? You don’t need boundaries, you need a great big buffer so you can build your beautiful life.
Don’t buy into anything he says. Just because he says something, does not mean it’s real. Because he isn’t very smart to do what he did, is he? Just be you and be confident that a beautiful life waits for you on the other side of this. So much may be uncertain in your world right now, but what is certain is you are truly special and your real life awaits you, just around the corner. Be strong. We all think you are amazing. x
C,
Thank you for your kind words. I am by no means perfect, and I wasn’t a perfect wife, but I was and am aware of my need for growth and improvement! So I work diligently on those areas because I want to be the best person I can be. It’s my responsibility to do so. For myself and the boys.
I have come to understand that while my heart was in the right place in trying to create family moments, I do need a buffer between me and TG. It’s sad, but that’s the way it is. I can see how it will make it so much more peaceful for the boys if I remain detached from TG and simply focus on being a great Mom. I’m going to ace motherhood and know that the boys will benefit tremendously. Whatever challenges are tossed my way I will meet with grace. I will handle them because I am strong.
This, HGM, is about you and me, us. We’re accomplishing SO much here, no? I am able to come from the heart because you all have made my heart feel so freaking amazing. I love you all. So grateful…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Your epiphany about what your needs are reminded me of myself except that I found my needs very late in life. I had lived my life through my husband and what he was and did professionally. At the time I felt I was being a good, supportive, professional wife. At the end of his career I felt an enormous emptiness and realized my error in not having own personal fulfillment in a career of my own. I don’tt look back and beat myself up because that isn’t productive. It certainly made me view my husband in a different light. Like The Genius, he doesn’t think I contributed that much to the financial well-being of our family of two. He overlooks the fact that I made it possible for him to pursue his career aspirations as you did too.
I’m happy for you that you’ve had the “opportunity” to realize your needs while you are still young. I’m rooting for you.
M,
Ah, losing ourselves in another…the minefield of a relationship. I did that, too. It didn’t serve our marriage well and it served me not at all. A lesson learned, for sure. It’s never too late, right?
I can see your pom poms waving in the breeze. I love my cheering section!
Love yourself,
Cleo
I am inspired by your compassion for yourself. And I really don’t want to give the names you were called any of my energy. What really resonated with me, was your need for both interconnectedness and letting go with regard to your boys. That is something I must work on as well. It’s like you are a cosmic, anonymous sister, traveling a road that I too am on ….. just a few paces behind at my own cautious pace. Thank you again for sharing your journey down this introspective and optimistic road.
L,
Love that…I am at the intersection of Introspective Lane and Optimistic Boulevard. The people-watching is fantastic! So glad you’re here to witness it with me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hope you are doing well. I wanted to take a moment to thank you for mentioning the Parlotones. I’d never heard of them. Sooooo great!!
Meanwhile I wanted to tell you to go have a listen to the William Fitzsimmons song “Beautiful Girl”. It reminds me of you and your journey.
We love you Cleo and are rooting for everything that is good and precious that is coming your way. Please know how valuable you are to mere strangers that click on your site to check for updates and feel renewed and hopeful as a result. That is huge. It can only keep getting more magical.
♥
J,
The Parlotones…oh, my. Have you listened to Brave and Wild? Or Sweet as a Stolen Kiss? Their new album is amazing. Kahn Morbee…smoking hot on so many levels. I will check out Beautiful Girl while I’m making polenta tonight. Thank you! I love song suggestions. Maybe we should do a song list for Inspiration and Optimism!
I love you all, too. You have made me feel so cared for and appreciated. Strangers only until you arrive at HGM. Then friends forever. The magic we create here is, well, magical. Sparkly. Shimmery. Fun. Deep. And wild.
Love yourself,
Cleo
My Dearest Cleo,
I thnk I will print need #3 and read it daily as a mantra until I can believe and embrace the words that are so true. AND, side note, I LOVE Dave and those schummuzies!!! Thank you for being so open and honest and sharing this journey. I am learning and growing with you and I know I am not alone.
I am crying with you! As a mother, and a married woman searching for that inner peace I can hear your words SCREAMING in my heart…the good scream
-CMcDC
C,
Here…take this hanky. You’ll need it if you watch The Upside Down Show or their improv skits under The Umbilical Brothers. David and Shane are HILARIOUS! I MUST share wine with them one day. I imagine I would be as giggly as a teenager meeting Justin Bieber.
Inner peace rocks. Let’s find it together and never lose sight of it again.
Thank you for being here, C. I love sharing with you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
C.
My dear friend. The subject of inner peace was the focus of a long conversation I had with my DH on Friday night. 16 years in this relationship and I am still amazed that we have survived the rocky shores we have faced. Inner peace. Such a difficult, elusive, lofty goal. Your writing shakes me to my core. Speaks to me so deeply, holding a mirror up for me to peer inside my heart and mind to reflect on where I am on this journey.
Just returned from a solo vacation in costa rica for 3 weeks. My suggestion: on one of these breaks from the boys, get yourself to a small town in CR called Montezuma. Stay at Anamaya and learn to surf and do yoga three times a day and fall Into the trance that results from the tropics, the sand, the surf, the air.
Inner Peace to you.
M.
M,
Ah, CR. I’ve been. For only four days, but it felt like two weeks. One truly has to live fully present in the moment in CR, which makes time move at a wonderfully casual pace. For me it was because of the need to be arachnid aware that grounded me so. I have my heart set on Argentina, but surfing in CR sounds like a really good fit for me.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I’m happy my words resonate with you. I can feel you cheering me on from your path over there, and your path looks pretty freaking fantastic. I hope you stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Reading through your blog and all the comments, as is my custom now, I was SO glad to read this: “I have come to understand that while my heart was in the right place in trying to create family moments, I do need a buffer between me and TG. It’s sad, but that’s the way it is. I can see how it will make it so much more peaceful for the boys if I remain detached from TG and simply focus on being a great Mom.” YES YES YES!! I absolutely knew, and even felt, your motive was pure in wanting to create family moments but I could clearly see how you would be putting yourself and ultimately the boys in jeopardy by spending time in close company with TG. You have made enormous and inspiring progress. Evidently he does not appreciate that, and sadly, has made no real personal progress toward bettering himself as an individual.
Light has nothing to share with darkness. I once heard an illustration in this regard that has stayed with me for many years. Someone shared it with me to illustrate the fact that even though I wanted to have a positive effect on a particular person whom I was closely associating with, the exact opposite was taking place. “If you take a lemon merangue pie and place it in a fridge with a bowl of sliced onions, what will happen?” I reasoned on this and concluded that the onions would taint the pie, not that the pie would share its light, airy sweetness with the onions. Yes, how glad I was to read that you had decided not to get into the fridge with TG, however honest and pure your intent! Bravo, Cleo!!
Once again your post inspires me. Thank you from my heart of hearts for sharing yourself with all of us out here who are navigating the waters of our own journies.
L,
What a fantastic illustration! Thank you for taking the time to share that with me, with us. It’s so wonderful to know that while I post 1500 hundred or so words about what moves me that day, you all come forth and add such brilliant and wisdom-filled lessons for us, too. It’s the sharing here that is so unique and beautiful. As if you’ve each been sent to HGM by the hand of the Universe. I feel your support and your YES YES YES!
“Thank you from my heart of hearts for sharing yourself with all of us out here…” I am laughing. I picture myself knocking on all your doors every time I write a post. I am very PROACTIVELY sharing myself with all of you who are so gracious as you welcome me inside. Thank you, love you, owe you, L.
Love yourself,
Cleo