At least that’s what my Mom says. She’s of the belief that one should wait a full year AFTER the divorce is final to date. As in final. In my case that would be around July, 2014.
July.
2014.
That’s two years from now.
That’s just not doable. Not with my personal matchmaker, Nature, on the lose.
Yes, I meet women on the trails and in the water. I encountered a woman on the way down Mt. Burdell the other day. We immediately sunk into a conversation about exploring Yosemite with boys. She has two in their 20s. She started them young, camping in the valley, playing in streams, eventually climbing Half Dome, and fishing – their absolute favorite activity. When we parted ways I was left with a surge of excitement pondering the experiences I will have with my little dudes as they grow. I wrapped my hike on a high from more than just the endorphin spike courtesy of a good hike.
It seems to be a trend these days.
More often than not, as in nearly all the time, I meet someone who leaves a lasting impression on me either during or right after a bonding session with the planet. And more often than not it’s a man. It’s become a source of laughter for my mom and me. I’ll call after a hike – she likes to know that mountain lions have not taken me from her – and she’ll ask, And who did you meet today?
I met Mr. Triathlete on a hike of Mt. Tam in early May. We logged 13 or 14 miles that day. That’s a lot of time to spend with someone you have not met before. We barely paused in our conversation. The backdrop of the trail, ocean fading into the forest then emerging above the fog line high atop the mountain, delighted our eyes while our hearts and minds were playing with words, engaged in spirited banter. By the time we arrived back at Stinson Beach we were fast friends with plans for a swim in the bay.
You’d have to work hard at not having a good time on Mt. Tam. True. But beyond that, being out in Nature relaxes me, opens me up, allowing someone else the space to come make a connection, hold my hand. Her batting average rocks on delivering to me the perfect encounter for my journey that day. It’s remarkable. Notable. Impossible to ignore. When it happens I feel her smile.
She’s rewarding me for something. That or she’s a big romantic, because it seems as if she’s parading a steady stream of potential suitors past me, all while my mom is saying, Don’t date! in my ear. You’re not even divorced yet!
I haven’t been married for years.
Or she’s testing me. Backing my mom’s theory but wanting me to make the choice to abstain. Really? Until July, 2014? Why would I do that?
Because my heart might get ripped to pieces again, and who needs to clean that mess up twice? Not me. I have a hard enough time keeping this place clean as it is.
After betrayal, and in the midst of a divorce, one’s heart is raw and seeks protection. The desire to make a connection with someone can be misguided, and a missed connection can lead to feelings of inadequacy, yet another failure. Or the connection can be misinterpreted, labeled something it was never intended to be. The mind can take the lead and want its ego fed caviar and figs and romance when a diet of quiet and solitude is in order. The distraction of a paramour can lead to an avoidance of the self, prolonging the excavation that needs to happen so a new and stronger foundation can be built.
Dating too soon after an uncoupling can be a disaster.
As MLP says, like attracts like.
Imagine being at your lowest moment, first day of your period (guys, pick your poison), you just lost your job, your bra’s too tight, there’s a piece of broccoli lodged in your teeth and you have only a strand of hair to floss it out, and your cat died. Who might you attract that day?
Now imagine being content, healthy, happy, not bloated, centered, joyful, comfortable with being vulnerable, and in love with yourself. Who will you attract that day?
I met Mr. Jackpot in a bar. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I was dazed and befuddled, angry, full of false bravado, and in need of a friend. I attracted a man who was much the same, and for similar reasons. I was experiencing drama and Mr. Jackpot is energized by drama. We were like magnets.
As I became more clear about my needs and began to establish boundaries, I was able to see how Mr. Jackpot and I didn’t match up notch for notch, but in some ways matched up perfectly. The meaning of our experience on the journey to Yachats is so clear to me now. Nature took center stage (eclipse, Madrone tree, the Oregon coast, Fern Canyon…does the list end?) and drove a wedge between us. She sent a loud signal to retreat and ponder. And a call to be direct with each other about the role we can play in each others lives. She made sure that there was no misguided bonding on that trip. She got me and Mr. Jackpot back on track. Which seems funny to say given the total disconnect in Yachats, but it’s true. We were heading in a direction that was off course. Nature gave us one hell of a shove in the right direction. We give each other a lot of support, and I deeply appreciate his friendship. We have been, and will continue to be, great teachers for each other.
My relationship with myself deepened after our trip. My Observer Self felt trusted, loved, appreciated, understood. I felt secure, my emotions having the space to be but not run amok, and I was not in any way personally offended or upended by the unexpected end to our journey north. As I uncovered my needs and committed to respect them and see to their fulfillment, I felt loved. Tended to by the most suitable person for the task. All that love made me feel safe. And that safe feeling, the feeling that I was always going to be there for myself, allowed me to be vulnerable. Which opened up my heart.
And, apparently the flood gates on Nature’s stash of eligible bachelors.
I met the man with no name (yet) at Stinson Beach. (I’ve been trying to name him for weeks. The fact that I can’t is fascinating to me.) I had just wrapped a hike on Tam, watched the sunset at the beach and entered the Sand Dollar to find only one seat at the bar, directly in front of the upright bass player who, along with me, boxed in the piano player and the man with no name. The four of us occupied about 12 square feet, a generous estimate to be sure, including bar and instruments. And fake avocado shaker to be played by the patron who sat in the seat left to me. Meaning, me. I suck at playing the avocado.
Rest assured I rock at eating them.
I handed that puppy off quickly and began chatting with two men to my right.
We saw you on the beach taking pictures of the sunset. My buddy and I were just saying what a perfect day it has been and how the only thing that would make it better would be if that redhead from the beach walked in. And right at that moment you did.
How’s that for a welcome? I must have been glowing from my journey on Tam. The attention certainly couldn’t be attributed to my grooming. I changed in the car and washed only my hands. The rest was Eau de Sweat.
We kept the conversation going for a good twenty minutes, enjoying the opportunity to kick back and savor the day before I turned my attention to the menu and felt the presence of the man with no name. He noticed me pondering the short wine list.
Not a lot of options. Most of them jammy. That’s good on toast, but not in a wine glass.
His accent was hard to place. I coveted his wheat saturated beer.
I settled on a zin and ordered the salmon filet. 18 miles on the mountain left me famished. I could have eaten the whole fish.
An hour and a half later we departed the Sand Dollar and made our way across the sleepy little main drag in Stinson. At my car he asked for my number so he could forward some information he had about a gluten free flour, one of a myriad of topics we covered in our uninterrupted conversation. He kissed my cheek as we said goodbye. Standard practice for Europeans, but unexpected by me resulting in a less than graceful head butt on my part. Unexpected? As in not ready for…?
I drove on 1 to a lookout above the rocks just south of Stinson Beach. The moon lit a road of ripples on the water that traveled west with no end in sight. I could feel Tam behind me as I sat on the front bumper of my car gazing at the Pacific. My day and night left me thoroughly blissed out. I melted into gratitude. I was especially energized by the encounter with the man with no name. I recall simply feeling, Wow.
And then I didn’t hear from him for two months, except for one brief text about the flour. He sent me a text to say hello. I thought it was someone else, and replied with something that surely made no sense to him. It wasn’t until a month after that when I realized my error. We met for dinner the following week.
It had date written all over it.
My mother would not approve. Well, she would after she met him. And then she’d tell him that I’m not divorced yet and it would be prudent to be just friends for several years.
So, seize the day or wait a year or two? And what’s the advice for someone in a contentious divorce that lasts years? (Not that that will be me.) Date never?
I’m going with Date when you can walk away intact no matter what the reason. Which translates to Date when you love yourself. (And, by all means, stay true to your moral compass.) Date when you are able to be vulnerable without being fearful. Date when you are able to be yourself, not the person you think you should be. In other words, Date when you love yourself.
What started out as a tender way to urge each of us to care for ourselves, my Love yourself salutation has become the cornerstone for my healing. A mantra for us all. The end goal in Phase 1 of my Operation Excavation. It’s been my number one priority since the Pocket Call. In order to survive then, in order to thrive now. By the time I crossed the finish line at Crissy Field after swimming from Alcatraz, I fully accomplished that goal.
I love myself. Inside and out. Head to toe. It’s okay if someone else loves me, and it’s okay if they don’t. What matters is that I do. I realized that day, as I stood on the beach at Crissy Field, absorbing the details of the swim, that I am secure, safe, free to live, and loved by me deeply. As I said before, it felt like a coming out party.
Then I started to ponder the possibilities. Probably not the best move…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Not to disrespect your mother, but IMHO when you are honest about your circumstances, allow the universe to blow people in your direction for all kinds of interpersonal relationships. You are too young and vigorous to stash yourself away for a year for no good reason. Divorce takes time, but you are already finished with this marriage. You know when your heart is ready.
C,
“Divorce takes time, but you are already finished with this marriage. You know when your heart is ready.” Beautifully stated, m’lady. My mom appreciates all opinions. I love her for that.
After pondering your comment I believe the challenge is to allow the encounter to morph as it will without guiding it in any one direction. Ever. That, for me, will be a challenge.
Thank you for taking the time to comment, C. Love having you here…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Agree. Agree. Agree. Love yourself first. Reeling from the confusion of a separation from the one you used to love means you cannot possibly know yourself or what kind of partner would be better for you. I did not need a year, but I got to the point where I was NOT going to compromise my needs for someone so when I dated I had a “take me or leave me” attitude.
However, my first serious relationship out of the box was not as I have just preached. He was different from my ex in so many ways, so I was all about conforming to what worked for him, not me. I was in love and happy for the first time in a looong time so my rose-colored glasses worked perfectly…for about a year. In the second year when true lovers would be building a life together, he was making noises like he didn’t know if he wanted to step into the step-dad arena, and I largely ignored those red flags thinking “oh he’ll grow and change”. Geez louise, what a rookie mistake. By the third year together the wheels were falling off, I was still in love (I thought) but more with who he should’ve been not who he really was. I ended it to save myself. I ended it so my children could not be denied. They deserved better and I sure as hell did too.
An 8-month soul-searching led me to my current love. He is all in and we are forging forward in this life-after-divorce thing. We both have a fear of the “M” word in the same way, meaning we love how things are, but would marriage ruin it?? Battle scars. Our 2 year dating life has been blissful but full of family-style challenges. We are also doing a LDR here, he in Dallas and me in Austin, him trying to untangle from his ex in court to be free to move himself with the kids here (he’s primary custodial). Our separate but together lives have strengthened us both immensely.
You have described great self-love in your short time as a singleton. I have no fear for you dating. I think your ginger hair attracts folks who appreciate a unique gal, so you have a leg (head)-up there. Carry on, soldier.
T,
Aye, aye, Captain!
“…“oh he’ll grow and change”. Geez louise, what a rookie mistake.” Rookie, veteran…doesn’t matter. We lovers make this mistake all the time. I see my path, my flipper feet on it, and know that if I stay on my path I will be okay. I can’t hop off to make someone’s life better or merge my path with theirs. I fully believe that if I stay the course I will be rewarded.
Will it be with one soul to walk with for the rest of my time here? Or will it be with many who come and go?
I hope to feel content either way. I am so happy you have found love. And that the challenges of blending a family are providing you with opportunities to grow, learn, love more fully. Well done, m’lady!
Thank you for being here, T.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
OMG – I kayaked for the first time in years because of your inspiration! Thank you!!! I am close to lakes and realized I was not taking advantage of my love of water. Your nature posts have deeply inspired me to reconnect with myself, what I love to do, and think about what I was not doing while married. I am buying a small kayak and am hoping my children can eventually find a love of the water too and join me. I can put one in the kayak with me. Anyway, thank you, I feel renewed!
Your last post, where you wrote that your journey might look more like a dangerous escape from hell…..this made me laugh so hard. This is a very fitting description of my recent divorce from my own little genius -MOLG. I see the point though is that it may look like that, but it is not that..its an exciting adventure with unknown outcomes. I wanted to ask you if you truly deeply FEEL this, or if you still need to remind yourself of this truth?
I believe your words are true about my journey as well, but I cannot feel it inside…if that makes sense. I still need to remind myself constantly of this truth. There are good days, but also days where I Just feel lost or escaping from hell. Or trying to escape. This is why I ask my question. Will this sense come to me on its own, or do I need to more proactively work on this? There are some complications in my case – MOLG has effectively abandoned our children and they are wounded deeply – I find it hard to let go of that anger that he hurt them as well and continues to. I keep thinking though that if I could be so grounded as to have clear joy, contentment, etc. without MOLG, it would be wonderful for them to see…
Your pocket call and my similar revelations happened at the same time exactly, but I am already divorced…. The process moved fast, I even tried to slow it down. 6.5 months from discovery to officially divorced. My head still spins. I really like what you said about dating…and like attracts like…. I almost giggled when I thought about what I would attract right now. Perfect! Thank you!!!!
Congratulations on your alcatraz adventure!!!
Caitlin
You don’t need to worry about me. I have a vision of where I need to be and the endurance and patience to get there at the right time. I have no excuses, no reason to be scared, no need to cling to another to make it happen. I will get there on my own power, supported by the love of all those I encounter along the way. I’m in a good place. It might look like I’m in the middle of a sea of choppy water, opaque, hiding its demons, fighting my every stroke toward shore, but I’m really just living my life. It’s okay that it looks more like an escape from hell in dangerous conditions, when it’s really an exciting adventure with an unknown outcome. You can rest assured that we will all be taken care of.
C,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. Reading your words helps me to further ponder where I am and really sit with how I feel. Do I really feel centered, secure, safe and ready to embrace a whole bunch of unknowns? I ask myself this question often. Every once in a while I feel a pang of doubt, of fear, slip into my being. Perhaps, as you described, it’s a chance to remind myself that it’s okay to be excited about unknowns, and that I’m strong enough to handle anything that comes my way. The arrival of doubt simply allows me to exercise my choice to remain in joy.
I do feel it. Doesn’t mean that doubts won’t pop up. I just don’t hitch a ride to them anymore. I feel they arise to give me an opportunity to feel how I feel. This is the conversation I have with myself when it happens:
Hmmm…that’s fear. Fear accomplishes nothing. It has a right to stand in my presence and I have a right to love it and let it go. I feel strong when I acknowledge all that is beautiful, and I feel unsettled when I turn my attention to that which can seem negative or scary. So I chose not to go there. Allowing fear or doubt to run the show serves no one, especially my children.
Which brings me to your children…I don’t have that challenge with which to contend. It’s a brutal one. But what an opportunity to shine! To help to create joy for them despite their Dad’s behavior. Maybe it will help to ponder one of my theories:
We pick our parents. For very specific reasons. Don’t judge their current experience as bad. For their souls it might be the absolute best fit given the course load they’ve chosen in life. They picked you. And now you’re demonstrating to them why they did. I am confident you will be the perfect teacher for them.
Create laughter. Create joy. Get dirty in life. Be spontaneous. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
C,
I spaced on letting you know how excited I am that you’ve taken to the water! I bet you find that reconnecting with what you love to do paves the way for a life of joy. We seem to find it hard to believe that we are on the blue marble to celebrate the gift of life. Those that take exceptional care of themselves always seem to walk around in a bubble of joy. And those that don’t, regardless of the luxuries in their life, are always seeking happiness.
You, m’lady, have found it.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I cannot remember when this was posted and I will probably be way off in remembering exactly how you stated this but I recall you making a comment to someone about your journey. Specifically that you are working on yourself full-time and that writing HGM and responding to the comments has allowed you to push yourself and your journey at a speed others may not have the chance to without all the feedback, support, and opportunity to ponder others words, advice, and wisdom. Again, this is me paraphrasing but I think that was the point.
I can’t speak for everyone but knowing myself and my struggles it can take me months to get anywhere with self-exploration because life get in the way. Or maybe I allow it to get in the way? I also don’t share as openly as you do and I’m starting to see how that is me handicapping myself. All of this is to say that I think you are in a special place because of all the work you have been doing. It is clear from the subject, tone, and energy of your writing over these past many months how much work you have been doing and how ready you are for any relationship. Most important I think it is clear that you have really fortified yourself, not in the way that puts up walls between yourself and others, but in a way that protects your true-self in self-love. I appreciate where your mom is coming from, my mom has strong views from her own experiences being a single mom on dating practices. I think it all comes down to what is best for you and your boys. As a quick final note I cannot wait to find out his nickname on here. They have been fun so far.
M,
So beautifully put. Thank you for taking the time to express this for me, for us. It’s exactly how I feel, and your words take into consideration how important the words of those who comment have been to me as I proceed on my path.
I am so grateful I have the opportunity, through my writings, to focus so intently on all aspects of the explosion of my marriage and my choices thereafter. I’m committed to HGM and to each and every one of you. I am going the distance. The support, love and wisdom shared on HGM helps me to stay on track, and I know it inspires others in many individual ways. Hopefully the lessons learned so swiftly for me can also be understood by those who read HGM and help to speed their process along, if that’s the way it’s intended to be.
M, the man with no name has a name. I will divulge soon. Perhaps tonight. It’s perfect. And it came from an HGMer.
Just. Perfect.
You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
well i for one have to agree with your mother.
i am liberal on all fronts except this one. being separated is different from being divorced even if one party has moved on. i believe that one’s best chance for future success in relationships is to focus on your own behavior during the marriage and focusing on why it didn’t work from your perspective. taking ownership of your own behavior and why you did not see certain signs or chose to ignore them. loving yourself is one step. however time is another with the focus on doing the work on yourself. another person will only be a distraction to that no matter how well intended. a year is an arbitary number however i have seen it work. those that i have seen attempt anything earlier have had to go back to the drawing board typically. not a hard and fast rule however i have to go with your mom on this one.
she has seen more and experienced more and therefore gets additional weight to her opinion from my perspective.
the other rule i have for newly married couples is be married for a minimum of a year if not 2 before having children. it allows a couple to figure out all the pitfalls about money and control before a gamechanger comes into the equation.
thanks for sharing yourself
victoria
V,
Are you liberal with the whole sex thing? Because when that comes down the pike my Mom is going to have some, ehem, stiff opinions on it. As in, If you’re not married you’re not having any.
I am SO grateful you took the time to comment. I agree, my mom has seen a lot, and she also has a very grounded and simple way of looking at life. One of my favorite mantras from her is: Life isn’t complicated until you complicate it. That statement guides me. I need and crave a simple life. A peaceful life. A centered and grounded life.
I am fully focused on achieving that for me and the boys.
Thank you for sharing your guidance. I have much to ponder.
Love yourself,
Cleo
well that totally depends on the person of course. if a person is able to have sex without being emotionally attached – ie. f buddy – then perhaps. it takes a lot of up front negotiating – tho more often than not. one of the persons involved falls “in love” and then it complicates the agreement. also only if the kids never meet the person – they have enough to deal with without their parents sexuality in their face IMO. they are already dealing with a lot of that from the genius.
basically i believe that kids shouldn’t even know about a partner until marriage has been decided upon and a date has been set. i know that is conservative and somewhat unrealistic to people however i really believe it is in the kids best interest since they become attached and then if something doesn’t work out. they lose the most.
V,
But what if one should chose to not marry?
My feeling today, and it’s important to note that because I am changing hourly, is that the boys will benefit from seeing how healthy relationships form and morph. Obviously, exposure to intimacy is not appropriate in any fashion. Even a simple kiss is unnecessary for them to witness. It could create feelings of jealousy, stress…it’s just not necessary.
When I met Mr. Jackpot we went all high school and pinky swore (Okay, I made that part up) that we would be friends forever. And we will. I knew I could count on him for that. Which is why he met the boys. Part of my decision was based on whether or not he would have a positive influence on them. And he has. They cherish his friendship. It’s been a great experience for Mr. Jackpot and me to allow this encounter to grow organically and not force it, label it, or wish it to be anything other than it is.
This is a fascinating part of this process, V. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for causing me to pause and ponder. There’s much to learn here…
Love yourself,
Cleo
You will know when you are ready. Listen to your emotions. Are you feeling elation and excitement? Or fear and worry? One means YES, the other means NOT YET. It is indeed very simple. We must listen to our inner voices. For some, yes, the hard fast rule of a year for this or a year after the death of a mate before selling or moving, etc. is a necessity. For others, it is less time, or more time. Life, and we, are fluid. And thank the Universe for it!!
The older I get (turning 39 in a couple of months – GO ME!), the more I realize that everyone is truly moving at a different pace and we cannot judge. It helps me mother my girls, helps me be a better wife, to acknowledge that I can only go by my own guiding system (my emotions and intuition) and embrace and tolerate others as they are hopefully doing the same with the best of intentions. Extreme caveat being when they show that the best of their intentions is selfish lies and self serving actions which hurt us.
So I am firmly in the camp of ‘listen to yourself and trust what you feel/hear within yourself’ and we’ll trust you to make the right choice for you. At the end of the day, you are the only one living your own journey. You are blessed already because you are awake to the possibilities and your own vulnerabilities and are so without negativity towards yourself (which happens quite frequently in circumstances such as yours – at least I know this happened to me. I became WAY down on myself and felt unlovable and unworthy of anything good. It was stupid and thankfully I woke up.) Your vulnerabilities are part of the texture of you, and you are taking care to listen to yourself, protect yourself, love yourself and trust yourself. You are unstoppable and have only to decide what you want and it cannot help but be yours.
Enjoy yourself, your surroundings and your precious boys. Please know how loved and admired you are and that we are all rooting for you with the best of intentions.
J
J,
Oh, my. Thank you. Such thoughtful words that took some time to get down. I truly appreciate it. You took time out of your day to give me guidance and to tell me that you love me. I don’t know what to say except that I am so outrageously grateful. My first meteor sighting of the night is dedicated to you, m’lady.
I am following a natural cadence. Finally aware of my inner bell, the one that signals to me that all is right or I am heading off course. I am also humbly and so very thankfully being led by my hands by Nature. It almost feels like an experiment of sorts. One that is open for all of us to participate in. If I am ever in doubt I know I can pose a question to the stars and I will get the sign I need in order to craft the answer.
I don’t have fear. But I do have questions. I must be patient for the answers.
You have made me feel so very blessed. Thank you, J.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Ah, you are now touching the third rail, as it were. The moving on and dating part. Will it happen overnight; of course not. What you and your kids are going through shouldn’t happen to anyone. However, you are being so healthy and going through this experience in such a positive way that it is an inspiration to me, even though I am not going through this myself, but I experienced it as a child of cheating, which is why your experiences have touched a chord with me.
You always close your posts with “Love Yourself”. That is such a powerful message, and is also such a great mindset, especially with having children in the mix. My own mother didn’t heed that advice after the cheating, and we, particularly my younger brother, paid the price, and still pays it to this day. She married on the rebound, which was a disaster, and then took the time to love herself before loving another. The third time was a charm and she has now been married for 32 years to someone who, even though I was 16 at the time they got married, I still call Dad, because he earned it.
I think you are being so very healthy with this by making sure you love yourself first. Doing that will avoid the “rebound” feelings (not wanting to be alone, especially with young children, etc.), that will put you in the best position to make the best decisions for yourself, and your family. Yeah, I’m sure The Genius will have snide remarks, etc., but he blew it year ago. This time, and this journey is for YOU and your boys. May you all find the happiness you all so richly deserve.
Love Yourself (I love that!),
LTMM
L,
Every time I see a comment from you I smile. To be fair, I smile every time I get a comment. But the smile I have for you is because you are happily married, content, probably have a lot on your plate, and you’re a dude. Yet you come to check up on me. I adore that. Thank you. And I truly appreciate the insight you share regarding your own personal experience. I will never forget the guidance you give, the guidance all of you give to me. I am happy because I know that I will make more right moves than wrong with you all watching over me. How did I ever get to be so fortunate?
You know us gingers. We can’t resist the third rail. It probably has to do with fire and sparks and stuff. And libido. (My mom just choked on her cantaloupe.) I would be a fool to ignore what is being gifted in my direction. The encounters I have had in the last 6 months, really right back to the Pocket Call…
…which happened almost ONE YEAR AGO! I am gobsmacked by that. One year ago. In-freaking-sane. The anniversary post is going to be off the hook. I really have to start planning that. Do it here, at the counter that started it all, or somewhere out in nature, where I do my best feeling?
Well, anyway, the encounters I’ve had in the last several months have been pure magic. Shimmery, glittery, wonderfully unpredictable magic. I’m going to continue to roll with it. At a pace that feels good. When something doesn’t feel good I’ll adjust until it does.
Kind of like Pac-Man. Probably the last video game, besides Sim City, I’ve played in earnest.
If I run into trouble I know you’ll all be here. That helps me to be brave. Thank you, L.
Love yourself (I love it, too!),
Cleo