Dealing makes me think of poker. Dealing with divorce makes me think of the total lack of humility, empathy and tact on behalf of The Genius. Which is why I am so freaking grateful to not be his wife. Sadly, there’s lots still to deal with in order to torch this fraudulent marriage once and for all. The rest of life I can deal with and am fully stoked to meet the challenges like a champion. The occasional petulant appliance, the responsibility of being a single mom, the total and complete uncertainty of nearly everything in my world, I can deal with it all.
But what if no one can deal with me?
Mr. Jackpot’s comment from our conversation last evening stuck in my core for most of the day today:
You are one of the most intelligent and intuitive people I have met in my life, but I can’t figure out how to deal with you.
While he’s the first person that has said that to me, it’s not the first time I’ve felt it. Not the whole I’m so intelligent part, but rather what the comment suggests about the way I’m choosing to live my life and how that might be challenging to deal with for some people. Maybe most people. Maybe most men.
The comment came about after going head-to-head about Yachats, again. He’s apologized profusely and repeatedly for his actions during the trip. Apology accepted. Profusely and repeatedly.
But the topic keeps coming up.
When Mr. Jackpot works through what happened on that trip he talks about the 3D. How the stresses of work came to a zenith just prior to our departure. How the change in plans, twice, due to The Genius soured him on the whole experience. How The Genius’ discovery of HGM during our trip distracted me and left him unsettled. How we were each focused on different events happening in our worlds.
How we were totally disconnected.
I know. I was there.
We’ve talked about Yachats on that level several times. Now, when Mr. Jackpot begins with, When you cancelled the trip or I did this and you did that, I shut down. I can’t rehash the logistics or go happening-by-happening through that trip again. If I’m forced to, my ears will bleed. Which will distract him from the 2 pimples I have on my face. Perched on each cheek like the dots on a clown’s painted on smile.
I look ridiculous.
I’m drawn to understanding the Why. Why we, as individuals, created that experience. Not the hows but the Why. Some people say, Who, What, When, Where, Why and How and others say, Who, What, When, Where, How and Why. Mr. Jackpot is in the former group and I am in the latter.
The placement of How and Why is not accidental. It’s where we place our energies. Our focus.
Why did I create Yachats and why does the conversation surrounding the events of Yachats keep happening?
On our Wild West adventure, the boys and I took a tour of the mill at Bodie, the ghost town in “arrested decay” nestled in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Michael, town resident (a skeleton crew has the privilege of living there to protect the priceless) and State Park tour guide, was spirited in his tales of life in the mill as men pounded quartz into gold. I learned how they extracted the quartz from the vertical mines that dotted the hillside using first a hand drill and later a powered jackhammer of sorts, and how they crushed it down to expose the precious metals using massive iron stampers that had been carried to town by a team of 80 mules. How a man with a paint brush used Mercury to capture the valuable dust that might have otherwise been lost, a job that had high turnover, for sure. How GE and Westinghouse dueled it out to create a solution for their massive power needs. How the water was pumped up from the mines and stored, gallons used by the thousands hourly to operate the mill. How a town sprung up over night, organized itself, then rebuilt after two devastating fires. And how the eerie silence of Sundays, the only day off for the mill workers, left the babies in town screaming.
All those Hows and I was left wondering Why.
Why does Michael want to live in a town that has long since passed on; a dirt road and miles of highway separating him from modern day civilization? Why doesn’t he believe in ghosts? Why did I feel overcome with emotion, left misty-eyed while walking down the main street? Why did I feel surges of romance while surrounded by broken down homes with shredded wall paper hanging like torn nightgowns from walls upon which paintings still hung, but askew. Canvases torn by falling beams. Tables littered with dusty bottles, chairs tipped over, the doors of wood-burning stoves left open, their bellies empty.
The golden nuggets I seek are the answers to the Whys.
I didn’t know this for some time, but on the evening of March 4th when I met Mr. Delicious, he was living the unraveling of his engagement, with the discovery of infidelity imminent but its existence already suspected. We talked briefly about the blog as part of a What do you do conversation. While the wounds were raw back in March, I was optimistic that I would turn The Genius’ betrayal and our divorce into the best thing that ever happened to me. He sensed that as I clumsily described the nature of HGM. I wasn’t bitter, I was grateful. I wasn’t angry. I was confident that what was happening to me was exactly what I needed to have happen. I expressed to him that my quest was to find out Why. And HGM would be the treasure map. And the log of my journey.
Several weeks later, while meeting for the first time since our initial encounter at the Sand Dollar, he told me his tale. He discovered her affair, which was the ultimate deal-breaker. There had been signs. They separated. Engagement off. He was devastated.
So I blurt out,
I’m happy for you.
Seriously. That’s exactly what I said. I’m happy for you.
I thought his beckoning blue eyes would squirt out of their sockets and land in our shared plate of sauteed Mackerel. For a man who is an ace at poker face, he showed his surprise.
I have my head in my hands right now, laughing as I reflect back on how I tried to express why I felt happy for him. He must have thought I was bat crazy.
I’m happy for you because you know. You’re not in the dark anymore. Now you can figure out why you created this situation, this opportunity.
It was as I said why you created this situation that I thought, I will never see Mr. Delicious again.
While he wrestled with my take on his state of affairs, I pondered with fascination the fact that, like Mr. Jackpot, Mr. Delicious was dealing with a broken engagement. A betrayal. What are the chances? It’s not like I’m meeting people at a broken hearts club, our stories whittled down to elevator pitch perfection.
Why has he crossed my path?
It became clear to me why I felt Wow when I met Mr. Delicious at the Sand Dollar. It wasn’t just because he’s engaging, quietly confident, accomplished and possesses a pout that is almost distractingly beautiful. (If he and Angelina Jolie had a baby, she would give birth to lips. Just lips.) Or that we had several shared passions. It was because I encountered a teacher. He will help to shed light on all the Whys that need answers.
Tonight he helped me to uncovered one of the reasons why I have been feeling a little upended lately.
I felt uncomfortable with writing about him before personally letting him know that I was going to do it. I was hoping to have the conversation a few weeks back on a hike, but our plans were postponed. I don’t yet know why, but I felt like I wasn’t being upfront with him, as if it was a responsibility of mine to let him know. Whereas, I’ve never discussed, nor felt the need to discuss with Mr. Triathlete his role in HGM.
I texted Mr. Delicious to see if we could talk, that I had a question. (It was really a statement.) Because in this day and age one texts first to see if the total intrusion of a phone call is acceptable. I get all nostalgic thinking about real live actual phone conversations that happen spontaneously.
Call you in 45?
When the phone rang I was out on the patio looking at the stars. I heard it in the distance, realized it was mine and then concluded that I had no idea where I had last seen it. I answered on the fourth ring.
My heart was beating a little harder than the norm. I didn’t know how to begin. I felt for sure I was at a disadvantage given that we weren’t in person. While I wanted to share a great laugh over his HGM moniker (he doesn’t yet know), I wanted to be certain that he understood how seriously I take my responsibility as a writer, and that his privacy would be respected. I told him that I needed to write about him and wasn’t comfortable doing it without letting him know.
That was the second time that I felt I might not see Mr. Delicious again. He would say he needed to think about it. And then in a few days he would graciously bow out. Instead he said,
I trust you.
I exhaled and trees in Yosemite felt the breeze.
I’m a muser, not a muse. I ponder. I don’t have much interest in the Who, What, When Where and How beyond culling them for clues as to the Why. Logistics bore me. But all this intense focus on the Why has left me winded. It’s chipped away at my patience, leaving me unsettled and off balance.
I have a suspicion that my mind is getting too involved in this quest. I’m not letting the signs show me the Whys, I’m trying to deduce it, beat it out from the bushes. I’m trying to mind-solve the riddles when my heart wants to let the answers bubble to the surface when the time is right. Instead I’m breaking an internal sweat trying to fit all the pieces in the puzzle together.
Now I know why my refrigerator failed.
I need to chill out. Or I’m going to have a hard time dealing with me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
C, It is funny, I’m more interested in “what…” questions. What do I want? What am I learning? What’s the value I need to honor here?
“Why?” for me, is so rooted in the past and my answers are always distorted! Why questions, for me, trigger focussing on others’ behavior or even slipping into victimhood (vs the curiosity it seems to invoke for you).
Love the self-exploration you’re bringing to your divorce process–very empowering. I also hiked and ran a lot during mine. It was very healing and reduced anxiety. Have you read Broken Open by e lesser or Falling Apart in One Piece (by a dear friend of mine). Great perspectives on grace and transformation. Xo
R,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I know that I will ponder your words most of the day. Am I to be looking at the Why? Is my attention misdirected? Is that why I don’t feel as centered as I’d like? Or maybe I’m just supposed to be walking side-by-side with you with each of us taking a thread and winding it around the spool as we gather it up. Someday we’ll make a killer cashmere sweater, I’m sure.
So far I’ve concluded that I need to chill out. Focus on the sensual. And not feel guilty about that. I’m making this excavation more like work these days and less like the celebration it is meant to be. I need to celebrate. You with me?
Thank you for the book tips…they both resonate. Very grateful you are here, R.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Good post. I don’t know that there IS a why, but am very impressed with what you have been able to do since this “enforced change” happened to you. I’m thinking in retrospect that “his giant mistake” is how you saw this “iceberg” at the beginning. But now, your blog is more like “my giant growth opportunity” or something like that!
C,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. HGM, as you pointed out, has grown beyond the betrayal by The Genius. I’m diving deep these days, hoping that I’m peering into all the right places. The arrival of fall has me feeling that I’m going to be challenged in many ways, but I’m also feeling that I’m going to have the most beautiful experiences with the most amazing souls.
I’m feeling a bit apprehensive which is only a hair away from pure excitement, no?
So grateful to have you here, C.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Another great post Cleo! Got to ask though, does Mr Jackpot get a monthly menstrual cycle? Geez, let it be !!
C,
You are hilarious. I see it a bit differently. It keeps coming up because I have still have something to discover there. Maybe a long ride on a party boat will bring me to my answer. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have been fascinated to read your evolving revelations. You are on the right path in your moving on from the events following your realization that your ex-husband was not authentic. He seems so shallow to me, and I am sure he is not examining his own behavior like you are. You will come out of this in much better shape to deal with the future than he will. Be sure to follow your instincts and allow each encounter to be a truth. Your marriage seems to now be a fading memory, and the best thing to come from it is your sons, so it was of great value. You nailed it with telling your friend that he was lucky to find out about his partner’s infidelity (before he was severely damaged with shared experience with her). Truth is that people can do a 180 at any time and even after many years, so the sooner you find out their character, the happier your future will be. It really is all about character and ethics, after all.
S,
SO much wisdom in your words. You’ve helped to calm me. Thank you for that and for taking the time to comment.
Follow my intuition. Stay true to who I am. Be comfortable with who I am. Be in love with who I am.
Character and ethics, loyalty and truth…they are the cornerstones, the rocks upon which great beings are created. I will read your words often. They will keep me on my path.
I am so grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo, Found your blog a few weeks ago, and I love it. I also am divorced, partly due to a cheating husband — I guess a bunch of husbands/fathers make the same giant mistake. Since my divorce about a year ago, and his recent revelation that he is marrying the other woman, I have done a lot of soul searching about what and why. Saw this today on a friend’s facebook post and it resonates with me — maybe you will find it interesting as well. Peace and happiness to you in your quest for answers.
And it was a pretty picture post, but I could not get that to copy here — so here is the text of it:
Whatever is happening in your life, don’t pre-occupy yourself with the question WHY? But rather ponder more on to WHERE these events will be bringing you. Know you are being led to somewhere beautiful – beyond your present harsh reality. Once you get to the WHERE, then you’ll know WHY. Trust the process. -Unknown (see poster)
Please share/tag!
xoKaren
Visit http://www.notsalmon.com/ for more inspiration
S,
So glad you found HGM and took the time to comment. Especially because the quote you included is BRILLIANT! (Although I’m not totally down with the use of the word ‘harsh’ to describe one’s reality…that whole nothing is ever as good or as bad as it seems thing…) I have to sit with it for a bit, but I feel that you have gotten me over this Why hump. Coupling it with thoughts of Where these events are leading me is a nice way to balance myself. I see the pondering of Where as dangerously close to not living fully present in the moment, but I’m also trying to not be obsessive about these things, these ways of being.
I like pondering the Why. And now I can see how luxuriating in thoughts of the Where will help to motivate me as I get through the Whys. And one day I see where I am and now exactly why I’m there.
You’ve given me butterflies in my center. I absolutely adore that. Thank you so much. Please stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo
I’ve been reading for a few months and silently cheering you (and all of us) on in this journey of discovery, striving to live authentically and really just showing up to all that the universe offers. Today’s post resonated for lots of reasons, but I wanted to share with you the book ‘The Answer to How is Yes” by Peter Block who posits that focusing on ‘how’ misses the big, important stuff, which is more likely discovered in the question “what matters?” How is about logistics and details once you know the bigger stuff. I think your commitment to ‘why’ questions stems from the deeper one of ‘what matters’, and in the process helps you (and us) clarify the important values and identity aspects inherent in those reflections.
The potential challenge with ‘why’ questions, I’ve found, is when people hear them (from others or themselves) as a probe for blame rather than self discovery, e.g. ‘why did my back go out again when I have so much to deal with?’ or ‘why me for cancer?’ ‘why did my partner cheat?’ I hear in your Jackpot analysis some of that when you’re asking deeper underlying questions about the lesson in mismatched expectations and communication and he’s in a ‘you said, I said’ how place.
I’m with you (if I’m reading it correctly) that there’s much value in understanding why things happen, especially when they seem to be repeating patterns or lessons we just didn’t quite learn the time before without the judgment that we brought the crap on ourselves necessarily. For example, my sister’s back goes out during really stressful periods in her life leaving her vulnerable and scared that she can’t take care of her kids, life, etc. It’s much easier to think it’s about the box she picked up being too heavy than the fact that too much is pulling at her and her resources are depleted. It isn’t about blame but healthy curiosity.
Anyway, shine on you crazy diamond.
L,
Thank you for all those days of silent support! And thank you for taking the time to comment. It’s a wonderful feeling to see someone take a step out from the shadows and to come to know they’ve been here all along. Truly beautiful.
As I was writing last night I thought about all the scenes in movies where someone throws their head in their hands and blubbers out, Why me? Why? Why?
It does carry a negative connotation (weak, a victim), and simple curiosity can be perceived as seeking the fatal flaw or attempting to attach blame to where one thinks it most needs to reside. I imagine it depends on where the person is in life, in their soul development. I wrote about this once – the need to respect where each soul is in their development. Thank you for reminding me of that post.
I’m moving at light speed in my excavation, thanks to HGM. That doesn’t make me any better or more evolved or closer to pure bliss than anyone else, but the speed at which I am moving can sometimes, I feel, put another off-balance. Or leave them questioning whether or not they are keeping pace, doing the right things, or thinking I’m bat crazy. (Seriously, some people think I’m nuts because I’m not shaking in the corner, popping Ambien and cursing my lot in life.) I’m settling in to the feeling that as long as I come from the heart, stick with my boundaries, I will present to the world who I am. If I don’t resonate with another there is no harm done, no heart broken, no offense taken.
Coming from the heart is essential. Want to know the interesting thing about that? It’s immediately more intimate. Which is really interesting. And something to be acutely aware of as I continue on my all senses activated path.
Rock your world, you brilliant emerald. So grateful to finally meet you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo,
I have discovered HGM like many here thru serendipity and have followed your journey right from the beginning, watching your progresses thru your awakening and healing of your soul.
I had my moment about a year ago, and have experienced many similar revelations as you…..maybe a little bit ahead of you but as you said, you are catching up at lighting speed. Sometimes this awareness can be unsettling and rock you off your balance, but that is only an equilibrium test to make sure your wings/flippers are strong enough to fly/swim to great heights in your soul journey.
You are spot on with previous comment of soul development level. There are many soul encounters that are pre-destined to come in to your life. Some are there to play supporting role, some for you to teach and some to teach you.
Genius is one of them, and so is Mr. Jackpot.
I don’t want to be presumptuous, but maybe Mr.J still has a lot that he needs to work thru on his own…you are working thru your lessons so quickly and he is still stuck in his.
Don’t worry so much about the whys. The Divine Godess aka Universe is guiding you on your path to unconditional love and for that you must have your heart wide open to love without the fear of being hurt. When you get there, you will run smack head on to your perfect half and there will be no more questions…
Sounds amazing non? But to get there, in your words YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF!
Keep on lighting the way,
CD
C,
My heart is racing…such beautiful words, so perfectly placed, one after the other, all making me feel so grounded. So brave.
My heart hasn’t been as open these past few weeks. I knew it when I read,
“The Divine Godess aka Universe is guiding you on your path to unconditional love and for that you must have your heart wide open to love without the fear of being hurt.” I flinched a bit.
That’s when I knew my heart had drawn the blinds. That I had become less comfortable with being vulnerable. I am so, so grateful you took the time to share your words with me, with us. You have started my day off in a spectacular way. Truly. Thank you. Please stay close…and comment at will. I love your style.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Miss Cleo,
You honor me too much…thank you it means a lot, as I also admire your writing and the insights of your journey that you share with all here. By sharing and teaching, your heart will expand and heal. There is a Buddhist philosophy that a little bit of sorrowfully heartache is not only good, but necessary. It means that you feel and you are alive. …being connected to Mother Nature is an excellent soothing tonic for the heart
Keep on shining the light,
CD
C,
I’ll keep shining and you keep rocking your world. I am softening the heart, expanding my core, summoning up bravery and ready and willing to be vulnerable! Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo-
You never fail to bring tears to my eyes. In a good way, though. And now CD has done it too. Those words ring so strong and so clear in my mind. Open my heart. It’s hard and it’s scary, but when you feel that something is happening or about to happen that needs your heart to be open and for you to ALLOW the encounter to happen rather than try to FORCE it…well, the words from others can really help. Thank you both.
C,
The thanks comes back to you ten-fold. I’ve tried to convey this before…I write something, a kitten comments and brings a whole new layer of meaning to it and then another kitten comments and wow – golden morsels of brilliant guidance are crafted, layer upon layer. CD and you have been able to dig a little deeper, add more flavor, perfect what has been said.
Thank you, m’lady. Ever grateful.
Love yourself,
Cleo