I have a message for Gwyneth Paltrow: Life isn’t complicated until you complicate it. (Thanks, Mom.) And I’m pissed at you for contributing to the general acceptance of infidelity as simply a by product of living a long life.
You couldn’t be more wrong.
Infidelity is a byproduct of our ease with being deceitful. And if you’re chill with infidelity then you don’t care about honesty either.
I have written this post twice today. My intention was to write about the irony of the message the squirrels were sending me and the treat that I can still taste, but from the start of the day my heart has been aching. All this letting go opened up space (as one kitten so smartly pointed out would happen) in my heart, my core. Upon waking, that space was filled with sadness. A deep sadness that felt big, global. Not just my sadness. Sadness multiplied. Think satellite, not terrestrial. Think Milky Way, not neighborhood.
Black hole sized sadness.
I’m mourning the near-extinction of the most necessary, the most crucial value of all, truth. If infidelity is epidemic, dishonesty is pandemic.
According to Gwyneth: “Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs.” (Note she didn’t say respected and admired.) She offered up this sage observation during promotions for a film, Contagion, in which she portrays a woman who traveled to Hong Kong, and along with the t-shirt, she brings home to her family (after a stop-over in Chicago to cheat on her husband) a deadly virus.
She goes on to say, “It’s like we’re flawed — we’re human beings and sometimes you make choices that other people are going to judge…That’s their problem but I really think that the more I live my life the more I learn not to judge people for what they do. I think we’re all trying our best but life is complicated.”
“We’re all trying our best…”
We’re trying our best, G? At what? Removing any obstacle that gets in our way – moral, value, animal or vegetable – in the pursuit of own personal happiness? Justifying, in any way we can, any of our missteps? Saying one thing and doing another because we don’t care enough to pay attention?
If that’s the case then welcome to the world of mediocrity or worse, where rewards and Job well done! are replaced by bribes and As long as you can sleep at night! (with some Ambien, of course). We judge peoples’ actions, but when wink comes to kiss, or hand comes to payout which puts food on the table, we justify, we don’t judge. And then we say, Well, we’re only human. We’re trying our best.
To which squirrels would say, Yea, so you ought to have this crap figured out by now.
I wonder if she would respect and admire a person who siphoned funds from Gucci. Or Chanel. I wonder how mad she would get if she found out that animals were used in the testing of the new perfume she’s hawking. I wonder if she could face her husband, Chris Martin, after finding out he was unfaithful and be able to say, I respect and admire you.
I’m sure she would be confident judging a care-giver if a child’s life had been lost due to neglect, or illicit behavior or violence. Being a Vegan, she surely would judge with conviction a person who slurps up foie gras with toast points. But take a gander at this justification for wearing fur in a photo shoot when posed a question by an interviewer:
“That was awkward, and I’m glad you asked, because I do not wear fur at all. It was a daylong photo shoot on a boat near Capri, and there were all sorts of poses with all kinds of clothes—none with fur. During one set-up, a stylist came up from behind and draped a stole around my shoulders. I didn’t pay much attention to it, and when I noticed it was fur I assumed it was fake fur but did not ask, so it’s my fault. I was very surprised when they ended up using that one shot out of hundreds for the centerpiece of the Tod’s ads. I know it’s not a great excuse, but I hope you and your members understand.”
If someone put a burger in front of you would you just eat it? Or would you ask first if it was meat-free?
G, I am not trying to trash you. It’s just that you’ve encapsulated, in one brief interview, all that makes my heart sad, which is why I still think of this interview months after it occurred. I wouldn’t be surprised if you still think of it, too.
Even you, a smart, pondering sort of woman, sees infidelity and its necessary lies as okay, whereas lying about how one is raising an animal for slaughter is not. I don’t get that. I see an unwillingness to judge deceit as lazy, weak, and protective…just in case one day I might decide I want to eat shark fin soup and have sex with my married Director I should maybe tick-a-lock so as not to bite my own skinny ass, which would be so not Vegan. So therefor I don’t judge. Because one day I might have to judge me.
In the midst of my many revisions of this post, I received a phone call from a person with whom I was conversing about a job. A job that wouldn’t take me away from the children and one about which I could be passionate. A job that would eat into my time to write, but my people-pleasing side pursued because it would also silence The Genius’ cries for me to become employed. I was hopeful that it would come to fruition. Albeit, concerned that I was going to create an excuse to not be fearless and put all my eggs in The Book basket. But this was an opportunity of a lifetime.
He updated me on some progress on the business front and then told me that I made his wife uncomfortable.
Well, guess I won’t be needing to factor in that gig.
I had the opportunity to meet her. We connected immediately. She’s tough and tender, smart and thoughtful, brave and vulnerable. I admire her. And I admire her husband.
And I admire them both for their honesty in addressing why I can’t work for them.
She didn’t have a good feeling about me because I’m outgoing and open, single and pretty. The situation just didn’t feel right for her. She voiced it to him immediately. He listened. And instead of blowing me off, he called to explain the situation. He was honest, supportive of his wife and her concerns, and empathic as to how it would feel for me. (They are both aware of The Genius’ betrayal.) To be clear, I didn’t have the job, which in reality would have been an opportunistic hire, not a hire for a vacancy, so it’s not as if it had progressed to the point where she vetoed a hire. She simply spoke honestly about her feelings as soon as she discovered them.
Twice during our call he spoke of my openness and honesty, and that those traits are ones he, too, values. Perhaps that’s why his wife felt comfortable being honest with him.
Honesty begets honesty.
You don’t need me to tell you this, but for all those reading my words for the first time:
I’d rather take a bullet than have an affair with a married man. I’m the person that would send him back to his spouse with his tail between his legs and a game plan to get his act together. I would not hold back.
Have conversations, not affairs.
With the pain of knowing another human being – The Happy Dance Chick – proactively destroyed my marriage (in tandem with The Genius) still raw, I was saddened that a person felt that I would be capable of doing what to me is the unthinkable.
I wasn’t surprised that this type of situation arose. I’ve been experiencing it in other places, with other people. Not the majority by any means, and not the exact set of circumstances, but I’m definitely judged differently as a (soon-to-be) divorced and single mom. There are women who aren’t as comfortable around me as they used to be, or don’t feel the same ease of connecting over our intact families that we once shared. There are men who shy away from being friends with me because of the fear that it may be perceived as more, and men that assume I’m desperate to remarry or partner up because I’m a single mom.
Somehow I became the potentially hard-up floozy when The Genius is the one who had the concrete affair.
Oh, the irony.
Which is why, right now, I’m uncorking a bottle of Irony Pinot Noir.
I hung up the phone and sat outside watching hummingbirds zoom, hover, dive, slurp and sail away until a wave of sadness hit me. Tears burned and then busted through. I cried a steady, soft rain. My body went slack. I could feel it, but I could also feel it checking out. I was hurting inside. But not for me.
I was hurting because of pondering the ripple effect of deceit and internalizing the collective pain of the vast number of people who’ve been betrayed. I wasn’t hurting because of The Genius’ infidelity or because I’m judged differently as a divorced and single mom. I was hurting because people have come to expect deception, guard against it, and don’t trust each other. They have every reason to be that way.
Lying has become routine.
As has infidelity. Even Gwyneth, the Martha Stewart/Girl Next Door if you happen to live in Beverly Hills, gives cheating a pass.
So what’s next? Lying?
I can see it now…
Raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear to do your best to be pretty straightforward if you can? But if you can’t, that’s cool.
Well, I didn’t get the job, but I got the truth from two people who speak it. That’s like having an encounter with a California Condor. I’m grateful that they respected me enough to be honest with me. There’s absolutely got to be a silver lining here for all involved.
But what I really want is a silver bullet for deceit so trust can flourish again.
At least the buffalo won’t lie to me. We have a play date on Sunday. I know I can trust them to be honest. And if honesty begets honesty, maybe the date I’m bringing along might be a California Condor dressed as a tall, strong man with a killer smile.
I haven’t given up on humanity.
Love yourself, Cleo
As a terrifically flawed being, I tend to side with Gwyneth and try not to judge other people’s actions. I’m not perfect and I slip often. Judging people is another one of those nasty human characteristics, like cheating. I have no way of knowing what drives another person and why but I do know that when I cheat or lie or whatever, I suffer the consequences.
You can’t change a person’s behavior, but you also don’t have to live with it. So while Gwyneth and I don’t judge, we can choose not to stay married to a cheater, as you did.
In time, you may feel compassion for your ex’s failings as a husband and all that he has lost.
E,
Thank you for commenting – I read your words before bed and pondered them off and on as my cat ran his engine a quarter centimeter from my ear all night. I’ve made many a flawed choice in my life, and am making it my priority to make conscious choices that line up with my boundaries, morals and needs. I wasn’t always that way, but a crisis does crazy things, no? I’ve found it liberating because my choices are now much clearer. There’s no gray area.
I’ve been pondering the difference between judging someone and feeling compelled to speak out on behalf of objective truths. I support free will, and the consequences that result, but I feel that we are slowly diminishing the importance of honesty when we ignore the presence of deceit in situations like adultery.
I hope I am able to have compassion for The Genius some day. I imagine it will happen when he is humbled by the choices he has made, but perhaps it won’t take growth on his part and only an opening of my heart to be objective about him and allow myself to feel compassion. When that happens it will be a signal of true contentment and peace.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and shining the light on positive ways to work with infidelity. I appreciate having you here, E.
Love yourself,
Cleo
It is widely believed that Chris Martin DID have an affair with Kate Bosworth. If this is so, and Gweyneth chose to stay with him, her comments may be her own justification of that. I’m not defending her, as I think she is a pretentious snit, but the context is important in understanding her comments. Believe me, many rolled their eyes at her comments, knowing her husband’s (alleged) propensity to cheat. Also, she’s not a vegan anymore, but that’s just me being nitpicky
Yes, I read too much gossip.
Anyway, I really enjoyed this post. Isn’t it funny how society wants to push everyone into a stereotype based on their marital status and whether they have children?
B,
I’m going to rely upon you to set me straight when I try and go all pop culture on you! The idea that he may have cheated on her puts an interesting spin on it. I had wondered if her comment was a thinly veiled reference to her Dad. After my marathon writing session yesterday I attempted to relax and turn my thoughts elsewhere, but they kept coming right back to the sad realization that infidelity has been striped of the burden of being considered deceitful. (Wow. I actually feel that after all those hours I was able to say it one sentence.) THAT’S what saddens me most of all.
The stereotyping is wild. I’m super grateful I don’t take it personally, and I cry for those who have a really hard time with being ostracized or shamed in their communities, or worse. None of which is happening to me, but I’ve read stories…so sad. It’s what motivates me to write and to help create a community where we can all come and read each others words, realizing we are not alone.
Thank you, B, for being here and for taking the time to comment. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Can I get an AMEN? I can’t tell you how many times I heard, when I finally started telling people what had gone down in the implosion of my marriage- which went beyond the betrayal of infidelity- “it would be one thing if he had *just* fallen out of love with you and been unfaithful…” Just? JUST??? When did that become no big deal? When did we stop being shocked by that? When did integrity become optional?
When I first learned of my husband’s infidelity, I remember him telling me he’d made a mistake. What, like a slip and fall? He was walkin’ along, all innocent like, and he fell into another woman- TOTALLY BY ACCIDENT. You can see how it would happen… To me, a mistake is when you do something inadvertantly, or you don’t know any better- you don’t know that what you are doing is wrong. What he made was a DECISION. He decided to sleep with another woman. Women. He decided to lie to me about it every. single. day. This is not something that happened to him- so when did that kind of betrayal become an acceptable thing? An, ‘it happens…’ thing? I don’t get it- and what’s more? I don’t want to. It makes me feel physically ill when I hear people make comments like Gwyneth’s. I am sure she meant it in a ‘we all stumble’ sort of a way, and it’s true. We do all stumble. Infidelity- particularly prolonged, sustained infidelity- is not a stumble. It is the way that person has CHOSEN to walk through this life. It is who that person has CHOSEN to be.
L,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Your words highlight my issue – with language we temper the nastiness of our actions. A mistake, a misstep, a lapse in judgment, brought on by forces outside our control. Lying is bad, but infidelity happens. Well, infidelity doesn’t happen without lying.
And lying really bothers me. There, I said it. I hate lying. If I could go all Cher and turn back time, I’d beg The Genius to say, I don’t like you. You don’t do it for me anymore. I can’t wait to not be married to you. I’m so stoked to go be with another woman.
Honesty would have made all the difference in this situation.
Thank you for being here, L.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo,
Who is to say Chris Martin hasn’t cheated? That might be what G needs to believe to stay in her marriage, to keep it intact for her children, to keep his HDC from being a part of their lives. Who are we to judge?
You can only be responsible for your actions, and to imply she or society is to blame for weakening morals is to take the onus away from the individual.
He was the one who promised to put you above all others. The HDC did not. That lack of morality is something they share and now expose your children to. His family morals, previous cheating and I am sure other interactions were red flags but I do not judge you having children with such a man because there must have been good with the bad.
So judging someone in a black and white fashion with no shades or grey without compassion is a stance that is born from pain. People ARE flawed and complicated. I agree with G. What if,in a public marriage, it is known he cheated and her quotes are explaining why she stayed. What if the person she respects is her mother or was her father? Perspective is different for everyone.
D,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate you helping me to further understand my sadness and frustration and to gain a more holistic understanding of how people deal with betrayal.
I only wish that the acceptance of infidelity (in an effort to remain intact, to show compassion, to work at true love) did not also translate into an acceptance of deceit. It is not for me to judge, but I do feel it is my responsibility to speak up for honesty and its crucial role in our lives. We can be negative, short-tempered, lazy, selfish – all sorts of unattractive traits – but lying not only destroys relationships, it alters on a grand scale the way we interact with the world. I believe the ripple effect of the ease with which people lie has caused great harm, closing our hearts, leaving us unwilling to be vulnerable.
The Genius made the commitment to me, yes. Not the HDC. Yet, the driver of the getaway car is equally as responsible for breaking the law as the robber himself. That’s part of what has me sad. The ease with which people participate in deceit.
Who can we trust? Only ourselves? That’s a sad state of affairs for humankind. Yes, infidelity sucks. It happens and it’s devastating. Many are able to rebuild their relationships, making them stronger than before the betrayal. I don’t believe that’s because the cheating spouse says, I won’t cheat again. I believe it’s because the cheating spouse says, I won’t lie to you again.
Lastly, on not judging. That’s tricky. Can not judging become like the people who stand off to the side while a man is beaten, unwilling to get involved? Harsh example, and I’m certain we’d all step up to stop the violence. But I wonder if the tendency to not want to judge, or be perceived as being judgmental, can slowly shift to every person developing their own idea of what is right and wrong, ignoring objective truths like, All men and women are created equal.
Heady stuff…for me to make progress on this I’d have to be around a campfire with some vino and a wool blanket. So grateful for your words which cause me to ponder further and remain open to seeing all sides, reasons, catalysts and needs. Thank you, D.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I was JUST going to offer the example of “not judging” as likened to turning a blind-eye from a child with a suspicious bruise or burn….who would do that?
Yes, Chris Martin’s very public making out with Kate Bosworth is pretty documented. Gwyneth’s marriage seemingly weathered that and there is also a rumor that she cheated on Brad Pitt causing him to pull the plug on their engagement, which adds further to her running rationalization of lack of integrity as a whole being the new beacon of love and goodness. Anyway, I’m sorry you are feeling the blow back of your threatening presence. It’s crappy that automatically women will be threatened by you. If you were overweight and dowdy – you’d have loads of friends. THAT pisses me off. A lot. As does the fact that the HDC’s of the world don’t threaten people as much as the betrayed divorced mom’s they leave on the battle field do.
Things will be okay Cleo. I think the universe is trying to get you to focus on what YOU want, not on what the GENIUS wants for his own situation. Write, dear Cleo, follow your bliss. Revel in your beauty and ignore ignore ignore everything else.
p.s. I think it profoundly beautiful that this couple was honest with you about their reservations. It’s nice to know people like that exist.
J,
Thank you for the kind words you shared about the couple in my tale. Profoundly beautiful is the perfect description. I was moved. It’s an example of the beauty of vulnerability.
…and then Brad cheated on Jen…and…and…and…
It’s unnecessary. Doesn’t have to happen. We can’t turn off our human nature, but we can commit to tell the truth.
I received this message loud and clear: “I think the universe is trying to get you to focus on what YOU want, not on what the GENIUS wants for his own situation.” I was taking steps to go and fix for him. Which is not admirable. It suggests I’m not confident in what I need to do for me, or I don’t value what I need to do for me as much as I value keeping the peace.
I’m grateful you took the time to comment. Your words have helped to show me how quiet those ropes/tiny strings can be when they don’t want to be discovered. I’m becoming so accustomed to letting go that rock climbing is probably not a good sport for me right now!
Love yourself,
Cleo
It occurred to me that maybe the reason the job prospect’s wife was uncomfortable with you wasn’t about you at all. Maybe something he’d done previously had given her a reason not to feel comfortable with you.
M,
Your words remind me that the scenarios we create with our actions serve our needs. Sometimes only I am impacted by my actions and other times many are impacted by my actions. We all play a role in each others lives to create the catalysts that move us along on our journey. This situation has its raison d’être for all three of us. I’m grateful that the three of us will remain friends and come to understand its meaning in time.
For me it’s a sign that I am heading off course. I SO appreciate the signs! Thank you, M!
Love yourself,
Cleo
It also occurred to me that she seemed distrustful of her husband and insecure in their relationship. Cleo saw honesty; I saw a woman trying to dodge a bullet.
S,
I’ve been pondering this… What if he is honest and loyal and a man of integrity and she is battling fear. Fear can take many forms in an effort to remain in the body. What we fear we often create. I remember reading Stephen King’s bookIt. At the end when the reveal exposes the creature as a spider I wondered how he could make each book end with our greatest fear. At the time spiders were mine. I’ll never forget that. Completely freaked me out. And I was in COLLEGE!
Anyway, I appreciate their honesty. We all play a role in each others lives. I may have helped to open a dialogue between them and they helped to refocus me during this time. I know what I need to do to take care of my children.
Thanks for taking the time to comment, S. So glad you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
You are so correct lying is accepted now…It is ok as long you have good reason to??? What has happened to society…..but I really wanted to write and tell you that you have helped me so much…less than 6 weeks ago I got my pocket call via facebook…searching online for support sites and trying to make since of how my marriage fell apart and how could my husband cheat on me I found your blog…I was like OMG that is how I feel so many times during the days that followed I stayed up late reading your posts…and you inspired me to start my blog to share my story too….I am not a great writer and am nervous about people reading my story. I felt so good to write my post and get my feelings out. So far I have only shared it with my BFF and we laugh and cry about it. I shared it above and do not know if it will show on your blog or not but regardless I just wanted to let you know how much you have helped me. Much love to you and others who are going thru divorce.
Jamie
J,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your kind words. I’m grateful you found HGM when you needed it.
“I am not a great writer and am nervous about people reading my story. I felt so good to write my post and get my feelings out.”
J – Your mind and heart on full display! Your mind says, You’re not a great writer and your heart says, It felt so great to write! Do you see why I aim to always come from the heart? That mind…always wanting to make things complicated.
I can feel your spirit in your words and am smiling at your bravery. Keep writing. And keep laughing and crying. And feeling. And stay close. I appreciate you being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear C,
This quote found me today and I feel like I need to pass it along to you:
It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward. -Old Chinese Proverb
Do with work, feel the grief — these ‘small steps’ are leading you to greater rewards. Let go of the rope….
Much love,
K
K,
Thank you, K, for the quote and the love. Each day, small steps. When I take a quick look back over my shoulder much will have been accomplished. I’m on it! And feeling the joy and excited about the unknown because I believe I will attract exactly what I need. Thank you so much for being here an supporting me, us on this journey. I would not be where I am without your support. So grateful.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow cleo, your blog today inspired me to share it on my facebook page. I often think what would i have chosen had i been given a choice. My genius did not give me a choice as many woman i have come across have gotten. I often look for information on the such scenario online only to come across countless links about getting trust back, repairing the marriage, moving on in spite of infidelity. Nothing about what to do if their is no moving on option. Their was no remorse from him, there was no plea from him for me not to divorce him. No shame or disgrace. He felt totally comfortable with what he had done and somehow turned it around so that i somehow did something wrong to make him pursue love elsewhere. That the fault lay with me with the destruction of our marriage. So i often ponder what would i have done if he did the reverse of all those things. That he was sorry for what he did, wanted our family to stay intact, tried hard at getting my trust back. I play it over and over in my mind often. But i came to the same conclusion. The trust and commitment were broken. Once both are lost, I was doubtful it could ever be restored (not without always second guessing my choices). 2 things not only make a family foundation but also a foundation as a society. Trust and commitment. If you lose both in both scenarios then the outlook is bleak regardless. The odds are stacked against you. Not to say you can’t overcome those odds but it is much like playing the lotto. Only one winner once in a while. We as a society rely on trust and commitment more than we realize but somehow it is not a factor when go more to a micro makeup of ourselves. A double standard indeed. As a whole we need each other to maintain it so greatly but when you look at the individual, yeah ok, no big deal. That’s why it is so important for people to hold each other accountable when someone fails at it. It does society no good as a whole. Everything would crumble, everything would falter. Core morals are the makeup of any good modern society and I find trust and commitment to be core indeed. And getting back to what would i have chosen if given a choice. It would be the same outcome as i am now facing. I would have chosen to divorce my husband for his actions, it is something that i would find unacceptable in virtually anyone much less the man i have chosen to spend the rest of my life with. Some people may think my standards too high but they are my standards none the less and i chose someone whose standards and morals equal my own, and whose personal accountability morals equal my own. My favorite quote: the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. My choice at a different life path hopefully a different, happier, healthier life result.
N,
Thank you for sharing HGM and for taking the time to comment. Sometimes I am floored when a post that I think is like reading sanskrit actually makes sense. I struggled with this short post (by comparison) for HOURS. It took about 10 hours when all the trashing was complete.
You have HIT IT! I’m certain there are a million reasons why our country is not humming along perfectly right now, but I’d be confident suggesting that the number one reason why were aren’t celebrating a new gilded age is because of the erosion of integrity. Our society needs that to flourish. I don’t expect that will be a lesson learned any time soon, but I’ve decided to not be a church mouse about it. What do I have to lose – I don’t get that many social invites these days anyway!
I’m speaking up for integrity. And thanking you for being here, N. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
PS: You will all find this interesting. I searched for the URL behonest.com. My intuition told me it wasn’t reserved. I was going to snatch it. Well, it’s not available. Bought and parked. Because who wants to run a site about being honest? Amazing.
This blog was begun as a way for you to air out your disgust of your ex’s and the HDC’s behavior and heal. And we, your kittens, are all about judging them. We have from the first post. So what? Who would keep reading this if they have the attitude, “Well, each to his own, I don’t judge The Genius”. If you ARE that person reading this blog, Go Away.
You have my personal permission to judge. Don’t feel bad about it. Do not. This was YOUR situation and to think you wouldn’t take an opinion so as not to judge someone else is ludicrous. They need to be judged. I’m sure they think their love justified the whole blasted thing, but like you said in a comment, JUST TELL ME YOU DON’T WANT ME ANYMORE, FIRST. Duh. Mega-Duh.
“Raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear to do your best to be pretty straightforward if you can? But if you can’t, that’s cool.” <~~ Best quote ever…I love that!
My boyfriend’s ex cheated and walked out on him and their children over 3 years ago, but in their current custody battle (which only began after he and I became serious) she has rewritten history and has testified in court my bf was controlling and cold in their marriage, and her “friendship” with the adulterer she’s now married to began as his shoulder to cry on….. No apologies- I judge her. I judge her now-husband. They earned it.
T,
Thank you for taking the time to comment, m’lady. You know I always appreciate your words.
I can understand the struggle for people when it comes to judging the actions of another. But, like with the whole politically correct movement, we can take this too far. The result is that each person has their own ideas about what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t. If we lose our foundation of objective truths – truths we can all agree are essential to a productive community – we lose our foundation.
What would happen if parents didn’t judge the behavior of their children? We’d have a society of nut bags running around.
There’s ripping someone to shreds and maturely judging behavior that threatens to unravel humankind. The lack of integrity in this age is unsettling. It makes me want to hunker down in a little town, cut off from the world, where I can minimize the impact of mass dishonesty on my life.
If we stop saying, That’s wrong when it is, it will eventually become not wrong. That’s not good. Grateful for your presence, T.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I hate to be a downer here (and I know I’ll get a lot of scorn) but it seems like Cleo is hitting an economic reality that most folks in America live every day. They need to get a job and make money to put food on the table for their kids. They would love to take monster hikes on Mt. Tam, swim in the Bay, and write, sing, dance, or whatever. I don’t know whether “Mr. Genius” somehow guaranteed Cleo that she could be oblivious to the crushing economic reality faced by most Americans, but if he did, and she’s now faced with the reality that most of the planet deals with every day, then I think Cleo is on the road to really learning what life is about.
R,
Thank you for taking the time to comment, R. And for being straight forward. I doubt you’ll get scorn but you might get opinions.
Unfortunately, because The Genius got caught, and now needs to live elsewhere, our economic reality has changed. And so I change with it. The Genius didn’t guarantee me that I could walk around oblivious to the economic reality of this time. He did guarantee me that we were buying a home as husband and wife, committed and monogamous.
You assume I don’t know what life is all about, but I believe you are saying that I don’t know what it’s like to put food on the table. I got my working papers at age 14, the earliest I was able to attain them. I worked from that point forward, including throughout college, until we decided as husband and wife that I would remain home to raise our children. That was the first time in my life that I did not work. Before we had children, I worked in several entrepreneurial environments where all-nighters were not uncommon. I bought the first house we lived in with my money. I put the down payment on the land that we purchased when we decided to build a house. Gosh, before we were even engaged I paid for his car insurance. I out-earned him every year, and he benefited.
I raised our children virtually alone while he pursued his career and his affair, spending accordingly. With an infant and a toddler, I sure wasn’t doing much hiking. And today, I rise at 5AM to write. I swim to remain healthy so as not to become a burden to my family, and do that for one hour while the children are in school. And, since I wrapped my hike of Whitney, I’ve hit Tam 5 times. While there I see lots of moms hiking, dads riding bikes, moms and dads together with their children. I’m grateful I live in a place where people value exercise and being in the outdoors, regardless of their economic situations.
Thankfully, swimming in the bay and hiking Mt. Tam are still free.
I find it interesting that while he was free to pursue his affair and have me as his nanny all was good, but once he got caught now I’m somehow the bad guy because I still want to raise my children. There must be a cliche for that conundrum.
Thank you for speaking your mind, R.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I bet anyone who thinks The Genius might have written this doesn’t remember the one post we know for sure he did write. Realitycheck’s post, regardless of how much we may disagree with the comment, is much too well written to possibly have been penned by TG.
I am with you Cleo! Judge away! To be honest, before it showed up on my doorstep 6 months ago I did not give infidelity much thought. My parents are still together and at the age I am, and with young kids, most of my friends/peers are still together with their husbands as well. But my husband has given me a lot to think about these past months – the lies, the disrespect for me, our family and our children, the immaturity, the lack of character, the laziness, and on and on and on. And I absolutely HATE his HDC, who is also married with a young child. Why oh why would you take up with a married man with 3 children? It has been the most painful experience…. I had no idea. And it does not have to happen!!! Unhappy in your marriage? Say something! Try and make it better! Fight tooth and nail before throwing in the towel! And if it has to end, at least it will end in some sort of peace, with both parties heads’ held high, partners in the process.
Ok, so I have established my husband is a douchebag.
But I do want to make the case for humanity as a whole. Yes, I have come to learn that this happens to couples every day and is way too common. Yet, I have been overwhelmed by support from family, friends and even strangers during this time. There is anger and disgust aimed at my husband from our entire community, including his own family. In my experience, I think people are very judgmental and unforgiving when it comes to matters such as this, especially when there are young children involved, and especially when the guilty party does not want to try and right the wrong. So I don’t think he has gotten a pass by any means, this will follow him forever. And some day he will have to answer to our kids (they are way too young now to understand). But a Scarlet “A” on his forehead would be a nice bonus.
I am sorry about the job. Could you match their honesty with more honesty and tell them that they absolutely no way in hell have to worry about that with you?
M,
Well said on all fronts. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
On the job – I played a necessary, uncomfortable role in the lives of two people I barely know. I believe they are now likely having substantive conversations about their marriage that they were putting off. Without those conversations something unfortunate was bound to happen. Of course, not with me. I’d rather eat live spiders WITH egg sacs.
For me, I believe that experience was a sign that my book needs to be written and published and nothing should stand in its way. I could go for that job and put everyone at ease and I can say for sure that it would be an uphill battle from day one. Now, I would not be surprised if, after I publish the book, that job is waiting for me under much healthier circumstances.
I just have to write this puppy! Feeling nervous, unsure, not as productive as I expect…but last night when I let go a little and was rewarded with a breakthrough. The book got a little dark in a good way – I’m pretty sure you all are going to enjoy it.
“And some day he will have to answer to our kids (they are way too young now to understand).” Yes, they will.
Thank you for being here, M.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I heard about your blog and was immediately drawn to it because of your honesty and because of how well you describe the emotions. You have a gift, which likely is being revealed by this horribly disappointing situation. That is exactly my point: disappointments, even the most horrible ones, are part of life’s self-pruning mechanism, and lead you to greatness, eventually. The Genius is an Idiot, and you don’t belong among Idiots and that’s why he had to go. One way or another, he had to go…he had to get out of your life so your true gifts could shine. I know your day-to-day life is hard, but marvel in the fact that this amazing journey is yours and that you have been freed to be you. Forget about perfection and “intact” families…who is perfect? who is intact? I am not. Onward, sister.
S,
C’mere! I’m giving you a massive hug. Thank you. Your words really touched my heart. I’m so grateful you took the time to comment.
Your words help to reinforce what I know in my heart, but my brain has been wired to not believe. The Genius shredded my self-esteem. I’ve been straightening out each letter of each word of love from each kitten and connecting them into the thread that sews that self-esteem back together. It’s been a long process, a remarkable process. Not easy, but so very worth it.
“One way or another he had to go…” I love the way you look at that. It’s true. He picked the way, and he’ll have to deal with that. But it had to end. I blossomed nearly immediately, in spite of the pain and hurt, which means I needed the light and pure water. It took nothing more than that and a little ‘self-pruning’ to see me grow. (Very nice analogy, m’lady!)
To be free. I feel I am. And I have nothing to complain about – my day is not hard compared to so many people. We are healthy and we will have a roof over our heads. I am so very grateful for every blessing I have and know that being grateful in and of itself is a gift. I’ve set the bar for myself on letting go, remaining true to me and to my writing, and manifesting my dreams because I do deserve to have them come true.
I will feel freer when I am no longer legally wed to The Genius. I know it’s only paperwork, but that moment will truly signal a new beginning.
Thank you for taking the time to write. I hope you stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Realitycheck post? Did HDC write that post?! I mean… it is an incredibly odd post.
I just wanted to note that I found the logic in that post to be lacking. Let’s see – you make a marital contract, you leave your job, your retirement, your power, you move and raise his children, he betrays you for 4 years and now, drum roll please – you are somehow put in your “rightful place” understanding the economic crisis in the US? I don’t follow that.
Your sadness- it’s the pain we cause people, all of us, in our darkness and neediness, and selfishness that is so sad … What people do to each other when they are lost is heart breaking.
I also feel quite annoyed when I hear people excusing adultery. My favorite is ” no one can break a happyarriage .” As if an issue in a marriage is an excuse to swoop on in there and feed on the remains. Most marriages have ups and owns and highs and lows .. That if left untouched by another party could heal … If you enter in, or let someone in, you never know what you lost .
I feel like a social pariah with the divorce. And single mom. I feel what you are saying. It’s unfair.
Keep going forward!
Hugs Cleo
C,
So far it’s 2 for the HDC writing that comment! Again, I’d be gobsmacked if the HDC knows about HGM. Or even ABC, 123. (hehe)
The comment appears to come with some back story that we aren’t privy to, as there are a few assumptions made that don’t apply here. But I’m psyched R stepped up and spoke. At least I can have a dialogue with ‘him’ (I’m guessing R is a guy based on the email provided), whereas with The Genius there is simply no shot at a productive conversation unless I get down on my knees and tell him how fabulous he is for all that he’s done for us these past nine months.
If I’m going to get down on my knees it’s not going to be for that. (I absolutely could not resist. I tried. I typed, erased, typed, erased…typed.)
I’m grateful that being alone is something I’m accustomed to. I have to keep an eye on it though. I don’t want to be alone, really alone, in my later years. I don’t the boys to feel they have to be concerned for me. But, as you’ve noted, us divorced and single girls don’t get invited to the neighborhood dinner parties often.
I’m telling you – The World’s Most Interesting Woman. It’s a sound strategy. I’m about two days away from running with it.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for brightening my eve. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hmmmm, can’t help wondering if last comment from “reality check”
could possibly be HDC?
E,
I wondered if it was TG! HDC? I would be stunned if The Genius told her about the blog. Flat out stunned. He doesn’t want to be exposed in that way. He doesn’t want to be exposed at all. I’ve come to believe that you don’t go from living a life in the shadows to living in the light overnight and not without a tremendous amount of self-reflection and humility. So, safe to say he’s still in the shadows.
Loved the ‘reality check’ line. My reality check happened a long time ago and it had nothing to do with getting a job.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I had the same thought- that it might be TG, that is. Never occurred to me that it could be HDC. That would take some BALLZ…
L,
Now, the discovery of those would further complicate the the story, no?
Love yourself,
Cleo
curiouser and curiouser…
L,
I could not resist:
“Curiouser and curiouser!” Cried Alice (she was so much surprised, that for the moment she quite forgot how to speak good English). “Now I’m opening out like the largest telescope that ever was! Good-bye, feet!” (for when she looked down at her feet they seemed to be almost out of sight, they were getting so far off). “Oh, my poor little feet, I wonder who will put on your shoes and stockings for you now, dears? I’m sure I shan’t be able! I shall be a great deal too far off to trouble myself about you: you must manage the best way you can—but I must be kind to them,” thought Alice, “or perhaps they won’t walk the way I want to go! Let me see. I’ll give them a new pair of boots every Christmas.”
– Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
I love love love the Alice In Wonderland quote. I must read that soon. Never realized until now what a woman-power story that is. Alice Rocks.
T,
I read it to the dudes a few months ago. Fantastic book. So love Lewis Carroll.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Thank you for sharing your journey through this life changing process. I walk a parallel path. There are days where I literally THANK my genius for showing me what I do not want in life – a shallow, selfish, deceitful, narcissistic person. The world awaits you, my dear! We certainly are better off in the long run.
My HDC contacts me at times to fact check this Genius. I do not engage. She has exactly what she signed up for – him!
I am a firm believer in karma. You will get exactly what you deserve with the “second chance” in life. The pieces do fall into place. I can attest to positive changes once I let go.
As in one of your earlier comments, I too await the finalization of the Divorce paperwork. I agree this is important in the moving forward process.
Swim, climb, hike or whatever you fancy in your free time. Do what you need so that you are the best mommy possible when you have the little guys.
I miss your 3 times a week posts already and cannot wait for your book!
L,
Oh! I miss writing three times a week, too! It’s hard. That’s why I find myself really looking forward to the comments so I can stay connected with you. And twitter. It’s less about broadcasting and more about interacting for me. I really dig spending time with you all. I’m thinking commune, actually.
I did a rough calculation and concluded that HGM is the equivalent of four novels written in one year. Maybe more. I know my initial word count but not the tally of the responses to comments, so it’s a guess, but definitely no less than four. We’ve spent an awful lot of time together this past year, and I’ve loved every second of it.
Your words come at an important time. I felt a shift today. An important one. Also a realization that the time I need to devote to the book is only a small piece of a very big, delicious pie. I need to enjoy it, chip away at it, and daily think about meeting you all and, with a hug, saying – We did it!
A feisty book is in the works, that I promise.
Yikes! She calls you? You are a goddess extraordinaire to have the willpower to not work that situation over. Ripe with opportunity to…oh, darn it…the conscience kicks in. You’re doing a beautiful thing by answering the call. Thank you for reminding me to always be a lady. And for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you Cleo for such a thoughtful post.
You have made me a true believer in the notion that the universe does know what we need and if we are open to the signs, helps us on our journey. So many times, I am amazed that the subject of your posts is an issue hovering in my periphery but just out of my grasp to name or understand. And then you do such a beautiful job of bringing it out of the shadows and into the light, helping me to make sense of my own heart.
And I so appreciate your thoughful responses to each of the comments. Your example of openmindedness and genuine consideration of each viewpoint resonates deeply with who I aspire to be.
Today I confess was the first day I have felt nervous about your book and I apologize for my selfish thoughts. While I have looked forward for many months to you fulfilling this purpose of yours, for the first time, it has sunk in that the book leaves less time for the blog and may even one day supplant it. I have come to look so forward to reading your posts and participating in these intimate and enlightening conversations in the comments, that I am anxious of even the thought of letting go of it. I hope the two will continue to co-exist.
Thank you again Cleo for being such an amazing guide.
N
N,
I am SO glad that the words here at HGM have helped you to recognize the role the Universe plays in our life, the role we play as creators of our reality. I’ve noticed that just the recognition of that brings me joy. Then, to watch the gifts unfold? Awesome. Just awesome.
N, the book will never take the place of the blog. While I must write it, it’s here that I most want to be. It’s with all of you. I don’t want a single person who is experiencing betrayal to be alone. In the short term I will need to devote time to the book, but once it’s wrapped HGM will go on as usual. It will be fascinating to see where we are a year from now, no?
You are so welcome. You help me so much, you bring to me so much joy. I, too, love our conversations. I just cannot wait to meet all of you. I hope that happens one day. Stay close, N, and thank you for your kind words.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Reality check is most likely TG. Cleo, one thing I have determined completely, is your Genius and my Genius are so much alike they could be long lost brothers (maybe there is some genetic makeup that spits out a man like that at least) and I have caught onto something that my Genius does not like me thinking or mentioning. Usually Geniuses search out for supportive, loyal, devoted , trusting women. (yes, i admit, I was one that was caught, hook, line and sinker) Easier to control the situation with. I keep mentioning that I believe that he has been lying to HDC as much as he was while he was lying to me. Somehow I came across the thought that he was telling her that we were only “married” by paper and have seen grown apart, no longer sleep together, nothing there, etc, etc etc, and she fell for it. I tested this theory with an email to him saying i was going to “expose” our timeline to her only to get a frantic call minutes later that our divorce has gotten out of hand, i am evil, and he just wants to finish this divorce. Yep, spot on. Struck a nerve did I??? Living in the shadows indeed. How exhausting life must be always worried about your shadowy life being exposed. Only using it right now as leverage for the divorce to be finished, because i don’t know if I want to get that involved with interactions his mistress (haven’t talked to her since well before everything came out (his former secretary)) She can find out for herself, no sympathy there.
So I don’t think reality check is HDC but it is TG. Sneaky is a way of life and he probably wants to keep tabs on what you are saying even though he acts like he doesn’t care on the outside. Classic Genius actions. Always think opposite to what they say. Just put a test to the theory. Nothing lightens your mood better than a squirming genius! trust me, lol
N,
Oh, N, you are making me smile so. When I found the anniversary card that was all the proof that I needed to realize that it wasn’t just me being duped. Yet, I still need to remind myself that it’s more likely lies that he speaks, than truth. Can you believe I still need to remind myself that?
Living fully in the light, no matter what it exposes, is a beautiful place to be. It requires bravery, maturity, and an appreciation for the gift of life. I’m grateful we are creating a community of people who have every reason to be bitter and angry but choose to love, laugh and play. It’s an exciting time for all of us.
Perhaps RC is TG-esque. Thank you for the smile, m’lady. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
FYI, kittens- just found out my TG and his HDC broke up. Sad… Really thought those two crazy kids stood a chance. Not. Hope it was worth it.
L,
You know I laughed when I read this! Those crazy kids…I love that expression. Again, so need a way to easily put in snippets of audio. Those crazy little kiddos…
Awwww…you guys made such a cute couple? How could it go south? You had such a strong foundation. Oh. Wait. That wasn’t you.
…sometimes I just can’t help myself…
Love yourself,
Cleo
It’s okay, though- don’t you all start worrying about TG. He’s already in another relationship. That’s right. He cheated on HDC. Should I have told you all to sit down before I dropped that bombshell? Because that was 100% not foreseeable… Let’s all say it together…”If he did it WITH you, he’ll do it TO you.” Poor, poor HDC. No more happy dancing for her. Can I get an AMEN for Karma?
L,
Just this morning I spoke my gratitude that I didn’t jump into a relationship, but took the time to fall in love with myself. While I would love to run through fields of wildflowers with some hilarious, cute guy (me for sure wiping out, tuchus over flipper feet, smack into a bees nest – I got the gift for writing, not grace!), I’m happy to wait until the time is just right. There’s no need to run from one relationship to another when I’m perfectly content to run with myself. Amen.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Is it true? Theyre really broken up?!
This is is regards to MY ‘Genius,’ not Cleo’s…
Love the nod to Lewis Carroll. Ever read The Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munsch?http://robertmunsch.com/book/the-paper-bag-princessI read this to my daughter countless times during her growing up years. Profound message in there for all children, not just little girls.
Whether or not TG wrote that post by Realitycheck is of no consequence. TG is a spin doctor and will say whatever he can think of to serve his purpose. Which in this case appeard to be to goad you into stooping to ‘his’ level, which you did not. Of course. (bravo!) Realitycheck might be TG, might be one of his friends, might be HDC who may have created a manly sounding email address to throw you off. Whatever. You respectfully and honestly (WOW!) handled the comment with grace and poise. Wash your hands of it and let go. HGM is your space, your beautiful blog, your link to those who are rooting for you. Not a forum for venting negativity or creating confrontation. Of course everybody should be accorded the respect and space to voice their opinion. But there is a time and place for everything. If a person feels this blog is distasteful to them for whatever reason, or they have a critical perspective of you and your subject matter, then don’t read it. Realitycheck is a bum. Just like Ronald. Don’t give him (?) another iota of your energy.
Oh, and hike away! Enjoy this marvelous weather while it lasts. Gorgeous days. Let’s all soak it in while we can.
L,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. One of the many gifts this betrayal has bestowed upon me is the gift of a gentle spirit. However, I’ve not been gentle in my interactions with The Genius. Your words have reminded me that to live with integrity I must be gentle with everyone. Doesn’t mean I have to respect those whose actions are not worthy of respect. And to be gentle with them is not for them but for me and the health of my spirit.
Thank you. You’ve brought back the smile that emerges from within, existing not because of some external event but because my spirit smiles when I rise above the chaos of a 3D life, using the gifts of a spiritual being to make my way here on the planet.
You, m’lady, rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
My mom in all her wisdom warned me long ago “The only thing you get with going out with a married man… is a man who cheats!” Thanks Mom! Because of her I never had to go down that miserable road.
Y,
Yes, Thanks, Mom! And you listened!!! Sweet! You are a goddess.
Thank you to all the Moms and Dads that teach their children about integrity and honesty and respect. No one’s heart needs to be broken because of deceit. And it’s never too early to teach them. I can already tell the dudes are gonna roll their eyes soon. But, when they’re in their 20s they will appreciate the lessons I taught them. They will appreciate that I valued them enough as members of society, even at this young age, to teach them about integrity, morals and values.
Y, thank you for being here and for living with integrity.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I love it. Have conversations, not affairs. Cheating should not be glamorized and made lightly Miss Paltrow.
Great POST!
S,
Thank you, m’lady. The acceptence of infidelity equates to an acceptence of a lack of integrity. One cannot seperate the two. The silver lining is that we are placing our focus on integrity as more and more of us are betrayed. That tilts the world.
Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Love yourself,
Cleo
“We’re trying our best, G? At what? Removing any obstacle that gets in our way – moral, value, animal or vegetable – in the pursuit of own personal happiness? Justifying, in any way we can, any of our missteps?”
THIS! Husband said last night “I lost whatever was in me that allowed me to cheat” I said, “Your moral compass? Your ability to ever be a good person again? Your heart? You’re heartless now?”
Clearly. He has told himself in order to be happy it isn’t here with me or in himself. He’s fearful he won’t ever be happy. And I told him no. You won’t. He said because he thinks his expectations are too high. And I said yes they are. And he said he sees people that are 100% happy in relationships. And I said no. They aren’t. Nobody is 100% happy in a relationship. Not long term. It’s BS! You find your happiness in being YOU you enjoy the relationship for the comfort and support and love you get from it. You don’t cheat and leave for some other cheater to find real true happiness! It’s all an illusion! And he has tricked himself into drinking the Koolaid. Media and Hollywood have tricked us into believing that infidelity is okay because it’s sexy and hot and everyone does it and the betrayed wife will get over it in five minutes and there’s REAL TRUE happiness if you just keep looking with new people all the time. No. It’s you. If you cheated and left its you. You aren’t happy and never will be.