Being vulnerable is sexy. Divorce is not. Divorce is ugly. Divorce by betrayal is hideous. I’ve been having a challenging time being vulnerable as my divorce heats up. The Genius is returning to Marin in a few days. We will be sitting down with our attorneys to settle this nastiness once and for all. Knowing that has shut me down. I don’t like dealing with him, being around him and least of all I don’t like knowing that I will have to listen to him tell me to grow up, stop acting entitled, move on with my life. In the exact way he wants me to move on with my life. If I have a different idea as to how I should move on, table it. Just like my creative dreams. Just table it. I don’t deserve to have it any other way.
I’ve been building the wall for a few weeks now, to protect myself and insure that I remain steady for the boys as the seas get rough. (You can’t affect me. You can’t take me off my path. You’ve done your harm, you can do no more.) As a result I feel completely cut off from me. The me that has been gentle and loving and enthusiastically meeting all the uncertainty in my life. The me that has focused on setting the best example I can for the boys. The me that has fallen back in love with myself after being made to feel unlovable. I’ve been less patient, less joyful, less spirited. I haven’t been seeing the beauty around me, I haven’t been feeling the guidance of nature, I haven’t been seeing the signs.
Until three nights ago when I thought for sure I was about to be cat food.
On the hill behind my home is a woodland path that allows the many critters of Marin free access to all their favorite hot spots. I was sitting on my patio looking at a star (UFO?) that has been showing up the past 2 weeks, hovering just above the western hills that separate me from Limantour. I swear I have seen strobe lights, white and red, shoot off into the night sky from this star. It doesn’t move, yet the lights spin clockwise, more powerful than a flicker, slower than a police siren, and unusually bright given its location deep in the atmosphere, cradled in the inky blue blankets of the night sky. It shows up late in the evening and disappears without warning, well in advance of sunrise.
As I pondered this unusual visitor another unidentified being clomped down the woodland path, its table manners severely lacking as it smacked its lips, savoring whatever it had picked up along the way. I was certain it was a human kill and the critter was looking for something gingery for dessert. I had one eye on the star and the other was desperately trying to see the mountain lion – what else would it be? – that was 15 feet from me, hiding behind tree limbs and grassy fronds, salivating over my Swedish derriere. I looked left to the star, right to the lion. Left to the…
Holy arachnid, the star was gone. Not because of fog or cloud cover. But because I was about to die. At least that was the conclusion I arrived at which had zero basis in reality, but seemed to make perfect sense as I sat alone, chilled by the marine air, barefoot, clutching the seat cushion upon which sat dinner my bum, clothed in a zebra print dress, the perfect skin to wear at a mountain lion banquet.
I was either going to be eaten or abducted, then eaten. I felt vulnerable. Finally, after days and days, I felt vulnerable.
In all the wrong ways.
That’s the problem with vulnerability – its definition:
Susceptible to physical or emotional injury, susceptible to attack, open to censure or criticism, assailable.
Might as well add, Out on a limb, over a barrel, a sitting duck, definitely headed for a meeting with death. One breath away from implosion.
I have to stop looking up definitions.
You, me and everyone who leans the way we lean talks about vulnerability as a gift. A way to go about living life that will allow my inner beauty to emerge, my authentic self to live large, free to be exactly who I am and not fear being judged or attacked or criticized for it.
Being vulnerable is a strength, not a fatal flaw. Perhaps it’s evolution that brings us to this place where what was once a predictor of death is now being suggested as the key to a fully lived life. We have the whole food chain thing down (well, we did until we started turning chemicals into food), so now we develop other parts of our being. We turn weaknesses into strengths. We go from sitting duck to open book. We move beyond the 5 senses.
However, I was back in caveman times, my feet pulled up on the seat of my chair, my eyes scanning the hill for the massive feline I was sure to find. And then I saw them. Two gold eyes, the shape of jumbo farm fresh eggs on their sides, staring back at me. I nearly choked on my tongue. And then I saw the shadow to my left. A hind leg. Tall. Uh-oh. A deer. I am going to watch a mountain lion rip a deer to shreds. I looked right to find the eyes and there they were. Piercing through the darkness. They hadn’t moved.
Which was a bit odd. I focused in on them. And then saw the door that they flanked.
I really do need to chill out.
The deer noisily chomped his way down the path, across the street and up the hill, out of earshot. The star didn’t return that night.
Today I looked up deer in the animal totem cards and found this:
Be gentle with yourself and others. A new innocence and freshness is about to be awakened or born. Be aware of a gentle lure of new adventures. There is an opportunity to express gentle love that will open new doors of adventure.
And this:
The gifts of deer bring us quick and powerful bursts of high energy. The key is to see life as play. Deer teaches us to get more in tune with our feminine, intuitive side and to develop long lasting, strong, and loyal relationships. There is also great fortune in romance at play, for deer medicine can fully open the heart chakra to gain great understanding through the lessons of love.
The deer in my back yard might as well have been wearing a neon sign that blinked Vulnerable. In red, of course. Innocence, gentleness, feminine…vulnerable.
Relaxed. At play. Living passionately and bravely, but also softly and gently.
I went outside tonight while writing this post. You’ll never guess. The deer was back and so was the star. I have no idea what to make of the star. I’m going Alien. But the deer resonates. I watched its shadow move down the path. He paused and tugged on a shrub at eye level. I turned to find the back porch lights formerly known as the mountain lion and had a good laugh.
Life at play.
Smiling, I sat and stared hard at the star. And then it hit me like a feather pillow. I’ve been feeling so upended the last two weeks because I haven’t been writing regularly. Which has loads of implications, one of which is having less of a conscious focus on being vulnerable. It’s here at HGM that I am at my most vulnerable by far. The more I write the more I process, the more I set free. The more I write the stronger I feel. The more I write the more connected I am to my 5+ senses and all the ways they are stimulated. The more I write the more happily vulnerable I become.
I like that person.
So I’m going to write more.
I’m going to write a book.
Just typing that makes me feel vulnerable. But it’s the caveman kind…gonna have to work on that.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I wanted to comment on the previous post too so I thought I’d just reply to both here……I always felt the same way “R” did about the why question, that it sounds victim like and you will never get the real answer etc. I have however, through reading your blog realized that’s there’s more to “why” as a whole and not just as the individual. Hope that makes sense because it does in my head.
for so long after the “SB” that I married unexpectedly left all I could keep thinking was why. I still don’t understand and I never will but I need to figure out the why for me and I’ve at least scratched the surface a bit. Like you, I had lost myself (if I’ve understood your posts correctly) I had lost passion for everything. I committed myself to him and his dreams trying to be a supportive wife. Which Asti turns out, wasn’t good enough for him either. Divorce is gross and humiliating and disgusting and hurtful and confusing and embarrassing and anger provoking and betraying etc. it was the worst year of my life. He was deceitful throughout the whole process as well as a huge fat coward, which he is still to this day. But here’s the problem, I saw signs but not as they were meant to be seen. I know Maya Angelou once said ” when someone shows you who they really are the first time believe them”. I didnt. I got an amazing little boy out of it so I guess I’m glad I didn’t! But now to pick up the pieces and thank you to you because reading this has helped! I’m losing the anger but it’s hard. He up and left one day to literally never be heard from again. He’s never seen our (my) son since. He’s 2 and 1/2 and it’s been over a year and a half. He left us with nothing! I left a great job to run his business. He stopped paying the mortgage as soon as he left, car payments etc. despite being court ordered. I quite honestly don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve been desperately trying to find something from home but that’s proven to be quite difficult. I apologize for off topic venting I just did but I always read your posts and you always have such I positive spin on what’s happening in your life. I’m hoping to find that soon. I’ve always been such a strong person but this has beaten me up pretty good.
) and I’ve been left wondering “is it me?” but I don’t believe it is and if I did I would stop being me. Men (term used loosely) have fallen in love with me for certain qualities and later would resent me for them. You sound like a strong, passionate, driven, adventurous, determined person with strong values. If someone doesn’t know how to deal with that then, in my opinion, they shouldn’t get the privilege of trying.
Also, thanks to you I’m taking time to really figure myself out and my role in all of this before jumping into another relationship. As well as to make sure it’s going to be with the right person. What Mr Jackpot said about the “how to deal with you” part really struck a cord with me. I’ve had similar conversations along the way in life (minus the brilliance I think
Thank you for listening/reading through this jumble! I wish I had a friend like you to sit and drink wine (champagne for me) and talk things out with. You seem extremely insightful and super supportive to the people you love.
Thank you!
Rylan
R,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and share your feelings here. You know how much I appreciate that.
That positive spin you speak of? Here’s how I see it with you…
You created an amazing little boy. That little being will be with you forever. Now you have an opportunity to shine and help light his path. Wipe thoughts of your former spouse away. All eyes on you. I have no idea what bat crazy fun awaits you, but I can feel it. It might not all look pretty or smell good, but it’s designed to give you the opportunity to live the life that is perfect for you. That strong person is right there, inside, waiting for you to wake her from her slumber. She might start out groggy, but after a little TLC she’s going to let it rip.
Our souls are in varying stages of development. Your former spouse is where he is, and like me, you needed to be set free to move on at your own pace. We are both very fortunate. Let’s clink glasses.
I love a girl who drinks champagne. One day, Rylan, I wouldn’t be surprised if we’re laughing together like old friends, noses tickled by the bubbles of a sparkling wine. Very grateful you are here and so willing to be brave.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Rylan,
one of your comments struck me: “Men (term used loosely) have fallen in love with me for certain qualities and later would resent me for them.” If you can, please pick up the book Getting the Love you Want. I know, hokey marketing title but trust me, it could be a huge help. It explains the phenon you describe. My counselor recommended it. Check the reviews on Amazon. I’ve read it and am working on the exercises (alone, even though the book is meant for couples you can do the exercises solo). I could write a dissertation but it’s all covered in the Amazon reviews. The exercises are hard work. I’ve cried many tears working them, but I can tell you each one has made me a stronger, more grounded person.
I am sending energy your way for your financial issues, hoping you are in a much better place soon.
Hang in there. It WILL get better.
D,
Thank you so much for taking the time to help out a kitten. I LOVE that. And you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Great thoughts on vulnerability. Such an odd-looking word. Not one I’ve ever associated with strength or growth. Fear and uncertainty, more like it. I have been a Strong Single Mom for over 6 years now and being vulnerable serves me no purpose in my day to day life. But in the grand scheme of things, I have to open myself up to it, to be able to let in another individual so I am not forever wandering around alone. I did it once after the divorce and went all-in that time, thinking how great it was since it was not the failed marriage I left. That ended with me feeling more alone than ever, and yes, utterly vulnerable. Like that sitting duck.
The label of divorced/unattached/single was a moniker I wasn’t proud of. But I wallowed in it for a few months, feeling every bit of the discomfort and anxiety that I carefully avoided by putting up with the wrong partners for years. Eventually, I settled into it and decided it wasn’t such a bad place.
My relief found with the blessed realization that the marriage was over, the rebound relationship was over, but my life was just beginning was my turning point. I felt GOOD again. And the man I am now with saw that, and we found each other despite our vulnerabilities and fears AD (after divorce).
Proud of you Girl, for keeping us included in your struggles as you push through this difficult time. You have every right to keep it private but thank the stars (or your star) that you understand sharing it all with HGM is your refuge.
T,
“And the man I am now with saw that, and we found each other despite our vulnerabilities and fears AD (after divorce).” Instead of despite, how about because? I have some work to do there. I can see I am still protecting myself, afraid of succeeding, not truly believing I have it in me.
But I do. I know I do. I believe.
It all comes back to being vulnerable. Taking a chance…being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Feeling safe in the open water.
I’m so grateful you are all willing to be with me as I bounce along, sometimes gracefully, sometimes not, on my path. I wouldn’t want to do it without you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I hope your attorney is a certified Family Law Specialist – there are several in Marin. If not, he/she is very good, I assume! I don’t remember how many years you were married, but that number is part of the calculation for how long you will get spousal support. Child support, is usually revisited when circumstances change. If what you are attending is a “settlement conference”, I sincerely doubt you will be raked over the coals and lectured by your ex-spouse. That’s not its purpose, though I’m sure many divorcing couples get some sparring in. Coming to a financial and visitation agreement which works for the boys, and for you, is the purpose. If you suspect that your ex-spouse will start lecturing or baiting or bullying you, let your attorney know ahead of time, and let her/him run interference and remind the parties why they are there. That’s the attorney’s job. This is a no-fault divorce state, so whatever anyone did to anyone else is not only irrelevant (unless it’s illegal!), there is also no penalty for behaving badly, again, unless someone did something illegal. Sticking to the business at hand saves money.
I hope your husband’s form of employment has not allowed him to hide some of his income. If so, you may have to investigate. These agreements can be modified and can be revisited after an agreed-upon number of months/years since circumstances can change.
Raising two young boys is a full time job and I hope you are not forced to go to work immediately! Best wishes.
C,
Thank you for your words of guidance. It’s clear to me that the boys need me here. They are moving beautifully through this most awful set of circumstances and will continue to flourish. I will follow the signs and stay on the path I created, regardless of efforts to upend me. It’s a key part of my growth – doing what I know is right, not what others want me to do.
“Sticking to the business at hand saves money.” And it keeps me focused on what’s important. No moral victories. I will only focus on what is right for the boys and me. I have no other agenda.
Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo;
I’ve been reading your blog for a long time (one of the Lainey referrals) and I just had to comment that I am so happy that you have decided to write a book. Mark me down for at least 25 copies, because I know whatever you decide to say will be a gift I want to give to all the women in my life.
Thank you for being a distraction, entertainment, and a spiritual guide all these many months. I am so enjoying being present with you in this moment, but will allow myself the treat of delicious anticipation in looking forward to the future and your book.
Much love,
N
N,
Thank you, N! Maybe I can do a reading with Lainey and hand deliver them to you. We can get decked out, all girly, some cocktails and then dive in to what I hope will be a funny, bumpy, fascinating tale. We’ll laugh, we’ll cry, we’ll compare shoes…
Thank you for returning to spend time here and for taking the time to comment. So grateful to have you here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Just remember, when you meet with the attorneys and The Genius, that you do not need his validation or words anymore. They are nothing, and what he says means nothing. If he goes down that line, if it were not such a serious gathering, would be comical. He gave up any right to suggest, say, or do anything that would warrant any feelings on your part that would need validation or acceptance from him on your part. He gave up that “right”, as it were, long ago. You are strong, you will get through it, and it (hopefully) will be done.
Afterwards? Celebrate! I know it may not feel right, and I know it is the conclusion to a horrible situation, but celebrate that you got through it. That you got this far. Do that for you. Then, go to your boys, and let them know that you will all get through this; that your recent trip back to the Sierras is the start of a new journey for all of you.
Above all, please, PLEASE, write your book. Go after your dreams. This world would be a much happier place if everyone did the same. I wish I had pursued writing. It was (is) my passion also, but the time just isn’t there with my job and other obligations, but I am sure you have the same, so maybe I should get off my duff as well
… Above all, hold onto, and pursue, your dreams. It will do wonders for you and your boys. They will see that everything will be alright; that it is alright to go after your passion in life, and it will let YOU know that it will be alright also.
I wish you luck and the very best of good wishes as you go through these next few days.
Love yourself and those who love you,
LTMM
L,
You know you made me cry, don’t you? The double please? How can I possibly not oblige! Thank you, L. Your words mean a lot to me. And to everyone here at HGM. Such genuine support. Thank you.
I expect that you will also pursue your dreams. Please, PLEASE! Like you said, the world would be a much happier place.
You rock, L. So good to see you and always grateful,
Love yourself,
Cleo
I didn’t mean to make you cry, although I am grateful that you thought my post touched you. Thank you, as always, for your kind words. Just remember that you have a lot of people out here rooting for you. I know you will do great, and will come through this stronger than ever. It is not about him any longer.
As for following your dreams, I am finding myself, as I go through a career journey, that it is better to be happy in what you do in life than be what others consider to be a “success”. Passion for what you like to do will show through and will ultimately make you successful. Success, really, does not need anyone else to validate, it is what *you* define to be success. I am still trying to find mine. I do hope you find yours; however, I think you are well down that path…
L,
Thank you, L. It’s my hope that this weekend brings to you a vision of a map. And that no matter which path you choose they all lead to fulfillment. It’s time, don’t you think?
I’m feeling it…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo,
Please write your book!! When you are ready to of course:) I can’t wait to read it and have told others reading your blog is like a book. Maybe better because lately I keep ruining all my books by sneak reading the END! What’s that about? Not wanting to let things unfold? Anyway, I am excited for you.
Maybe you can have a few phrases in your head during the meeting to draw upon. One of my favorites, but not very kind ones is: rant on, you fool. I only say this IN my head, not aloud:) it makes me giggle for some reason to just distance myself but say this in my head when I feel overwhelmed, hurt, angry, annoyed in a situation like this. It has a nice distancing affect.
I also like to visualize the person as a child or wounded child or animal….because it helps me see them in a different light, less angry. I see they are asking for love, but in a very very very wounded way. I don’t know if this makes sense, but seeing my OLG as the child he once was, and all that went with it, helps me in the moment.
I also sometimes try to just breathe.. And say: fill my mind with breath, not chatter.
And, breathing in I feel my anger/sadness/fill in the blank, breathing out I bow to it. This last one sounds odd maybe but it is advice from Thicht Nat Hanhn – aack spelling! – to take care of your emotions like a mother would care for a crying baby. Rock them. Let them know you SEE their pain. Don’t smother it or ignore it. Then you can honor it and let it go. I’ve been working on this as I really like to sweep everything painful under the rug and step on it like it’s not there……
Thanks for writing – your words of wisdom about being a light to the children has been helping me a lot…..my children are in so much pain from MOLG – he has some mental health and addiction issues that are impacting his behavior with them -that I have at times become so enmeshed in this horror, that I forget the rest of life. The beauty, the garden..all that is out there for me. The more I shine, and experience joy, the more my children will see we can do this. Thank you for the reminder.
Caitlin
C,
Rant on, you fool! That’s great. Although I have to drop the fool part…trying to not say anything judgmental these days. The little dude just came into the kitchen and said, Hey, British Mama. Now, I don’t know what the heck that’s about, but it gave me an idea. I’m going to come up with a few British phrases I can say in my head to make me laugh. Hopefully I’ll get some guidance from those across the pond. I really do feel that’s it – I have to simply find the funny no matter how much muck I have to wade through to get this divorce completed.
I’ve got a choice to make – I can either let it upend me or I can laugh. I chose to laugh. Thank you, C, for making that choice clear to me.
The example you set for your children is only apparent when held up to the challenges presented by their father. While his issues are tragic and understandably devastating for the children, it is because of them that they will see the beauty of the choices you have made in life. I hope that makes sense.
We will shine together, C. I’m grateful for this challenge and for your presence here at HGM. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
“i’m going to write a book” i’ve been waiting so long to hear those words !! whatever the topic, it will be fabulous !! your humor added to your insightfullness of people and the world will shine thru. Before we know it you will be sitting on the couch as a guess of The View, rocking it and your wonderful life that you have made for yourself ! Look out Oprah !! LOL
As for meeting with the genius and the lawyers, do not let a word from his mouth deter you. He is the spoiled brat that hasn’t gotten his way and doesn’t like that – he definitely isn’t used to consequence of actions. Remember it wasn’t that long ago he asked the question of “why can’t things just stay the same?” “we” were all getting along nicely??? well apparently two of the four unknowing partners in their cast of deceit didn’t think things were capable of “staying the same”…. So now he is paying but the game has changed and since he isn’t at the controls, the only thing he has is hurtful words, and always remember that Cleo, they are only hurtful words, they have no validation or cause of any actions on your part. You always have and will always remain one of the most beautiful people this world has. Love You, Miss You, His Loss, His GIANT MISTAKE
C,
Thank you for your kind words. They help me to remain centered, which is the absolute best place for me to be. I have much to be grateful for, including your support, and know that I am going to be okay.
It’s time to be brave.
So very grateful that you are here to help me pull that off. You rock, m’lady. Like a cross between AC/DC and Styx!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hey Ms. C –
I would like to join the chorus of other travelers that I am thrilled you are going to write a book.
My practical side would also like to add my concern/suggestion to those above as well, with saying I hope you have a good lawyer. I find it interesting that the Genius, apparently, had no trouble with you being a stay-at-home mom when he was dabbling with HDC.
Please let us know what happens! During the lawyer conference, if you find your “ease” slipping away — close your eyes, breathe and know that your kittens are here for you!
K,
Thank you so much for the kind words, the enthusiasm for my book and the much appreciated guidance. I will flow through the divorce meetings with ease. I have so much to be grateful for and so much to be excited about that to do otherwise would not be respectful of the opportunities for joy all around me.
Oh, kitten, you know I’m going to tell you all about it!
Love yourself,
Cleo
When you write your book can I get an autographed copy?
L,
For you I’ll autograph it, kiss it and hand-deliver it, m’lady. With bells on.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Gosh, we thought the Olympics was an exercise in crowd control. Can you imagine your book signing?!
P,
Do you think it’s possible to have a book signing in the bay? Bouncing around in the water, dodging seals and laughing our bums off? Your words are kind and a motivator for me. The little writer that could…
Thanks you, P. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I know you have been careful about protecting the anonimity of the parties involved in your story (including yours), so I’m curious to know: how will you handle the situation when you are on the the NY Times Bestseller list and travelling the country on your book tour? Do you have any qualms about revealing certain identities?
N,
Last night, as I was writing about Mr. Delicious, I thought of this very topic. It’s crucial that I protect the anonymity of those in the blog, especially Mr. Delicious. I would be mortified if his identity were to be discovered. Which is why I have to leave out key pieces of information regarding his background that you all would enjoy knowing. Maybe some day…
I love the confident nature of your comment! I will read this sentence as if it has already been set in stone: “…how will you handle the situation when you are on the the NY Times Bestseller list and travelling the country on your book tour?” I was thinking full body tattoo, but that would be so time consuming and painful. So, I’m just going to roll with it. Let Nature set the course, be honest with my words, be gentle. And always respectful.
N, to be on the NYT Bestseller list would mean two things: I accomplished what I set out to do, and I am moments away from sucking down a Clear Conscience. Hopefully with Mr. Delicious by my side. And all you kittens. He would adore meeting you.
Love yourself,
Cleo