I have demons. I have desires. I am divorcing The Genius. My life is in a state of upheaval. I am feeling overwhelmed. While I am not scared of change, I am scared of all the effort that will be required to manage it, to survive it, and to not let it engulf me. I have no rhythm. I allow myself to be bounced around from task to task, thought to thought, without the discipline of self-regulation. I fear that I am not disciplined enough to do that which I have never done before in a climate of total uncertainty. It’s difficult enough to fulfill your dreams when your life is all settled. It intimidates me to know that I must do it, I must achieve my dream, in the midst of chaos.
This chaos exists so that you can achieve your dream.
So I have a choice. I can keep at it as I’ve done all my life, pushing against a deadline, dropping balls, feeling overwhelmed, making progress, but in a painful enough way that I can’t celebrate the progress I’ve made, swimming in a sea of self-doubt, and eventually hitting the goal. But the path to get there was through the brambles and spider webs and not along ridge with fresh air and views to inspire. Each step a labor as if taken at 20,000 feet, weighed down by invasive vines, tripped up by breaching roots, the view impossible to see with eyes burning from salty sweat.
Or I can clear away the underbrush, rake smooth the land, and build a solid foundation for the achievement of goals, a base camp so organized and constructed to support my needs that I am freed from my own demons and distractions, able to make progress each day and celebrate it.
I am without a foundation.
So I’m going to build one. One that suits me. No sharp corners that I can get lodged in, no doors that I can hide behind, and room for only one. This is where I must come to begin each day, alone. Quietly. I’ll sit within its four walls and design my day, the ceiling the sky at first, but eventually each distinct period in my life becoming a room that pops up from this one space. Each day I venture forth from this base camp, I know the trail ahead and what I need to do to traverse it. My mind is occupied with the focus required for the task, leaving my heart free to observe and witness, ponder and create.
But before I can do that I have to vanquish some demons. I’ve talked before about the need to be more organized, focused, and planned. Some progress has been made, but not nearly enough. Not as much as I am capable of making. In pondering the root of the of the problem, it’s easy to zero in on the need to get rid of clutter, plan our meals in advance, put away the laundry as soon as it’s folded, complete each task before setting off on another. But something prevents me from doing that. And that is the crux, the nucleus of the larger issue; I feel like I’m running in air.
I am not grounded.
I have allowed myself to be distracted by the divorce and co-parenting issues, the meetings, the day-to-day white noise, and an endless to-do list that exists only in my mind, making clear thoughts as rare as a white buffalo.
My mind is really ticking me off these days.
It’s been jamming away, exhausting me. Always wanting to lead me away from what I need to do and tempt me with something I shouldn’t be doing. And I let it. It seems hellbent on creating an environment where I am not able to be proud. Yet, really all it’s doing is providing me with opportunities to make choices. Of course, making its desired choice look a whole lot more inviting.
I need to make better choices.
Each decision I make affects me. There should be no alternative to making a choice that is in the best interests of my children and me. My choices are conscious declarations of what is important to me. So if I choose to do something that does not directly support my goals, I am undermining myself, my self-worth, my pride and my future. Which leads to me not feeling free enough to achieve. Free enough to be creative.
Instead I run in air. Never reaching my true potential.
I’m not putting up with that anymore.
My tendency is to now state: I’m going to do ten things tomorrow to make my dreams come true, start a list, get distracted by a moth – oh, I have to Frontline the animals, I really want some water, did I close the windows in the living room? Let me open some mail. Hmmm…let me just sit here and think for a bit. I could use an apple.
Oh! It’s insanity!
So I choose to not do that. I choose to make better choices in the moment. That’s the cornerstone in my foundation. I am simply going to focus on pausing before making a choice and selecting the option that best supports my long term goals. I don’t believe I can boil it down any further. Make a choice, stick with it. Feel great. Make the next choice. Feel even better.
In this moment I have to go to sleep. I have not been rested in days. I am burning the candle, its stand and helplessly watching the table prepare to go up in flames. My choices are at the primal level at this early stage in the construction of base camp. I need more sleep. And I need to go to sleep at a proper hour, like 10:00PM. No more 1 or 2 AM for me. I can’t sustain it.
Tomorrow I will rise at 7:00 AM. I will start my day with 15 minutes of quiet meditation on intentions. Slow down. Ground. Focus on making the right choices. Tomorrow night I will write a post on my choices, which are going to result in some big changes.
There’s no good reason to not give this my all.
Love yourself,
Cleo
C,
“He wanted a wife and family at home and he wanted a girlfriend.” So very true, so often. Then, after discovery, the party line becomes, Our marriage was over. If any of you kittens don’t have cards of other ‘keepsakes’ to help set the record straight, you can borrow ours.
As we’ve all learned time and again here, our stories don’t differ much.
I imagine many people will read your words, C, and nod their heads. Thank you for sharing them with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
M,
Thank you for your kind words, M. They read like whispers in my ear. That is my karma, my joy, and Stinson Beach is my destiny. I’m ready to see all the signs, follow my intuition, buckle down, and have fun making it all happen.
I spent a great deal of today raking out the underbrush. You’ll never guess what I found. I’ll be writing about it in moments and posting tonight.
But, in bed by 10PM! I promise.
Love yourself,
Cleo
This is a practical post for us seriously impractical girls.
I am a scattered person. That may be a mild version of what I am. This has helped me in some ways and hindered me in many.
In my job its fine, I have a job that is all mind work and requires creativity and a lithe intellect. I work mainly from home. This is a disaster.
I have had to force myself to keep things partially in check in the messy department. My whole flat is ‘office space’
Then I came up with a plan.
I am my own maid. I made a work schedule, just like a maid. Mondays and Thursdays for 2 hours I clean like a demon. I even printed out a list I found on the internet on how to clean a house.(!) when I am done I ‘pay’ myself. I really do. I use half the money that I would have to pay an actual cleaner and I pay myself. Then I have fun with that money.
It’s the only thing that works for me.
Creative people always have unsettled minds, its not a bad thing, just a thing you need to sometimes trick into doing what is unnatural to you.
xo
L,
You are brilliant! And to stick with paying yourself and require that you spend it on you is fantastic.
As you know by now, I cleaned house…and got rid of some demons in the process. Oh, and found that sweet card. So heart-warming.
I don’t have a cleaning woman, and money is tight these days, but I feel paid in the sense that I’m at peace with my surroundings. Which frees me up to create. Thanks for sharing your tip, m’lady. And for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Single mums always have strict budgets ( that makes me feel better than saying I’m poor as sh*t) Pay yourself 5 $’s- it doesn’t matter-what matters is that you are a mum and mum’s always put their children first!
Clean up, put away that bloody laundry, pay yourself a few dollars and hustle yourself down to eat a delicious sandwich, a cup of great coffee, it doesn’t matter, buy yourself some music on iTunes so you can dance around your kitchen. Get a good bottle of wine! We single ladies like our wine;)
It just matters that it is about you even for 10 minutes.
Sweetie, I have a box full of things my ex-husband gave me. I have kept them ( that is for the therapist to deal with, smirk) That CARD meant you are sane, a woman, a mum, a great strong, lovely person who deserves better and better will come.
xo
L,
I believe you. I’m all in. Change and upheaval are all around me, but I’m keeping my gaze soft and focused on the very next step.
Thank you for being here, L.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I refer you to my comments on your previous post. Overcome and adapt. And drop anything that doesn’t serve you. Nobody needs that which doesn’t serve to push them forward.
As one has not experienced the legal aspects of divorce (but OMG did I get the emotional side! When he threatened me, I slashed 2 of his tires. Do NOT mess with a redhead. Jus’ sayin’.), I give you credit for taking the high road. You crested Mt. Whitney. Thus you understand rarified atmosphere.Breathe in, breathe out, and keep on keepin’ on.
a
M,
Brilliant words of guidance. Especially, “And drop anything that doesn’t serve you. Nobody needs that which doesn’t serve to push them forward.”
I’m ready to achieve my dream, M. So in order for that to happen I know I have to live by my boundaries and tend to my needs, which includes the needs of the children. A couple things will be a challenge for me to master, but I’m going to do it! I am really going to do it.
Thank you for your support. It means the world to me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I hear ya. You nailed it. Boils down to slow down, take life in 10 second increments and choose what is best for you and the children. Focus. Efficiency.
Momentum. It starts to get easier and the distractions fall away. The day to day gets incorporated seamlessly and effortlessly. You build a community and ask for help as easily as you give help. Life speeds up, but there’s more in place to handle it. It gets easier and you can take on the next challenge, the next layer. Relax into it. It’s a long ride.
Love your writing. It resonates with me and my story. However, I see the thread of deceitful betrayal in marriages that either have, or are crumbling, without infidelity. That’s the core wound. The deceit we have swallowed.
Thank you for being part of my healing.
xoxo
F,
Thank you for being here and for taking the time to comment. I’ve been pondering deceit a lot these past several days. Sadly, it’s what has harmed my relationship with The Genius so much that I can’t imagine it ever morphing to one of mutual respect. I have tried to see a way to trust him again, but I don’t believe it’s possible. Lying to me has become second nature and oh, so easy for him.
The boys had the chance to see us change our relationship to one of simply friendship had he spoken to me before cheating on me. That opportunity is now lost. It was not my choice, and I don’t need to own it. I only need to do what feels good for me as learn the ropes of being a single mom via deception. Not an impossible task, and one that I will write about this week.
I’m so grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo