I must confess, I’ve lied. I remember it like it was yesterday.
My Mom and Dad picked me up outside a pizza shop at a train station in a tiny little town back east. I was 16 years old and it was 11PM. While I thought everything was chill, my Dad, who had a front row seat to my bob and weave approach, did not.
What did you have to drink?
Pizza and Pepsi.
It’s hard to drink pizza. And I pronounced Pepsi as if it had six syllables. That was a tip-off to my intoxicated state, as was my meandering path to the car. What I really drank was my Dad’s Pinch whiskey out of my Mom’s Tupperware container.
I was told by my friend that plastic wouldn’t clink in my purse, hence the creative packaging.
That’s not the only time I’ve lied, but it stands out because the consequences were immediate. I knew right then and there that my greatest error was to lie in response to my Dad’s question. Had I told the truth I would have been sat down to have a conversation about the dangers of drinking alcohol, and the potential for legal consequences. Instead, I cut him to his core. His daughter looked right at him and told a lie. It was the deceit that disappointed them, not the drinking.
By this time my parents had raised seven other children, five of them boys. There really wasn’t much new ground I could cover. My siblings kept my parents busy with missed curfews, sneaking girls over, parties while they were away, one small forest fire in our backyard, a classic story that gets trotted out with the turkey every year. To say they had seen it all is inaccurate. They had seen it all, twice. At least. I wouldn’t be surprised if, when they dropped me off, they had a conversation on the way home that went something like this:
Do you think tonight’s the night she’s going to think she can drink and get away with it?
Tonight’s as good as any honey, my Dad would say.
While they were hurt by my lie, they weren’t surprised by either the drinking or the lie to cover it up. Those experiences are part of growing up, learning, realizing the consequences of our actions. By the time I got around to getting drunk at the train station, seven others had already been through the ritual. I’m hopeful that when my parents crawled into bed with each other that night they celebrated that I was safe and that it was the last time they would have to see one of their children drunk for the first time.
But I wonder if they also thought to themselves, How will I know if she is telling the truth in the future?
My lying was mostly restricted to the playground. My Mommy has this, when she didn’t. I have that, when I didn’t. I get to do this, when I didn’t. I was trying to establish myself in the world in the best position possible and must not have felt that I, exactly how I was at that time, was good enough to attain the position I desired.
I was never good at lying. My shoulders would droop. I would break eye contact. I’d be so distracted by the fact that I was lying that I would screw up the lie, which would make me feel more uncomfortable resulting in my saying something like,
Hey! Look! A chicken!
Lying was never my thing. Which is not to say I’m pure, because I’d be lying if I said that.
But by the time I got through my 20s I had constructed a pretty solid moral foundation that had been tested. I made mistakes, I made bad choices and I learned from them. Not unlike lots of other people. But through my job and my exposure to lots of different people at different stages in their lives, I was amassing quite a binder full of life lessons, from which I gleaned the importance of having established morals and ethics so that I could live honestly, consistently. I already knew lying was wrong, but I now understood why. It compromised my morals and ethics, and without those intact I would ricochet like an atom inside a star, colliding over and over with the same hard lessons to be learned, and not much joy to be found.
I was fortunate to date a man who was pretty fixated on principles during that time. That long-term relationship helped to mature my understanding of principles, how they help us to choose and establish our morals and ethics, and what it means to live by them consciously. I absolutely knew deep down that I could trust this man.
I also knew that I didn’t want to marry him.
We ended our romantic relationship, remained close friends and worked together for many years. Right when I met The Genius, we rekindled our romance a little. At the time I don’t know why, as I wasn’t prone to pondering much. Maybe because it was familiar, or safe, or fun. Then I shut it down when swept up in the heat of giddy love with the man who would be his antithesis.
The reason for the reigniting of that relationship is clear now. I created the perfect foil to The Genius. I just didn’t pay attention. It wasn’t designed to stop me from marrying him. Nothing was going to prevent that from happening. But it did provide me with a point of comparison (Only I didn’t have the tools to analyze the data.), as well as an ear down the road when The Genius first went all Mensa. And now, in hindsight, that relationship and all that I learned from him has come back to sooth and guide me at a time when I doubted I would ever be able to trust again.
Since the last post I have been pondering the role of integrity in relationships, in life. Integrity is kind of a moving target. It speaks to the consistency with which one lives out the moral and ethical components of their life. So, if a person believes that it’s morally acceptable to them to have an open marriage and they stand up and say it, I can only conclude that they are living with integrity while they bounce from bed to bed to backseat to office desk to swinger’s party.
At the age of 30, having a mature conversation about morals and ethics was pretty much restricted to my work life and the conversations I would have with my boy-friend at the time. I can say for sure I never had a real conversation about morals and ethics in relationships with The Genius. I figured I had a handle on being honest, a solid set of morals, and was developing a slate of personal ethics. Most of all, I knew I was a good person, so I didn’t much worry about whether or not these morals and ethics were in their best form – they were the best I had at the time and they would get better with age.
I assumed The Genius was just like me.
We all know how that turned out.
But had we engaged in dialogue about our morals and ethics, would he tell me the truth? I believe the better question is, Would he know the truth?
Maybe the best question is, Would I have known the right questions to ask? (Would you ever cheat on me is not an example of a productive question.)
Man, I was ill-equipped, even with a great upbringing, education and recent and prolonged exposure to Mr. Morality, to determine if The Genius and I were a match based on principles. And quite frankly, at the time I didn’t consciously care.
I care now.
A few months ago – oh, please – yesterday I would have had a hard time kicking off a conversation on morals and ethics with a man. Not today. Since the start of this very post, I have realized that I’m okay walking away early on if I have any doubts that we see heart to heart on these most important issues. I’ve become conscious of the need to discuss them, rather than let actions speak for themselves. Actions in the early stages of a relationship can obscure the fact that a potential partner hasn’t taken the time on their own to define their principles. They’re just doing what we’ve all been trained to do: be on our best behavior.
I’m glad I can laugh at this: I am a 46 year old woman and I’m just realizing the importance of discussing morals and ethics when my heart is on the line. So, I’m a late bloomer. I have no wishes for a do-over. I’m simply grateful that I’ve discovered a crucial thing I did not do then that I can do now.
I’ve gone from believing that it’s naive to expect integrity and honesty in this day and age, to learning that it’s naive to expect integrity and honesty if I haven’t first found out if it’s valued.
I’m going to get this all straight by the time I’m 90. I’m aiming high.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow. I came to the same conclusion about my The Genius and me. The other day I was wondering how I got him so wrong. Then this came to me: When we were saying our vows, I said “I do”. He said the same, but what he was really saying is “We’ll see”. I just assumed he was coming from the same place I was. “Giant Mistake”!!
S,
It’s a revelation, no? Part of me feels like a smacked ass, and the other part of me understands that this was how I needed to learn this life lesson. I’m not going to lament the fact that it took this long, but just consider myself fortunate to have learned it at all.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. A nice way to start the day!
Love yourself,
Cleo
during my marriage with my genius I rationalized his actions with MY morals and values not his. He just didn’t want to upset me, that’s why he lied to me, his working long hours is for the benefit of our family, that’s why he works so much, If I had stripped away my values and asked him to explain his actions with regards to what he believes and values, i might have gotten a clearer picture of the type of man that i called my husband. Hindsight is 20/20 and i too in my current relationship am not afraid to ask what and why. And i am more comfortable, happy and content with the clear differences in values i see in both men because of it both in words and actions (sometimes more important than the actual words). It gives me a security blanket feeling of making a good choice in a partner. Good post, stay strong in who you are, which is awesome the best times in life are yet to come!!
N,
Yes, N, they are. And in order for me to create those best times I must stay right here, right now and manifest them.
Well said – “I rationalized his actions with MY morals and values not his.” How naive of me to assume The Genius and I saw eye to eye. Wow. At 30 no less! Remarkable.
Yet, this is how I created the opportunity to learn these lessons, and when I do learn them I will be ready to move into a healthy relationship. I realized last night that I really do want one. I really do want to be in love. But it’s not a need, so I imagine it’s not right around the corner. Which is okay. …Man, it’s a good thing I like being with myself.
Life is beautiful with you here. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I can tell you I never thought to find someone so soon after my split with my genius I had already found out about his firing from his job and why, and he had already told me he was moving on to live happily ever after with his hdc. I had known J for about a year (genius and i were separated already due to me kicking him out) and i had known about his similar struggles with his ex and that he was raising his kids on his own. Since he was farther along in the divorce process than i, he was ready to try to find his life partner again. He told me he was attracted and had feelings for me but he understood i wasn’t in the same place as him and that i needed to get to that point on my own (honesty breath of fresh air). Well he started to very casually date others and my gut wanted no parts of him doing that so an almost urgent need to not let feelings and opportunity slip by welled up inside and hence propelled me to jump in again. even so soon. it helps tons that what happened to me happened to him. everything, emotions, feelings, trust issues are not only understood but shared. , don’t think too much on it now, the pull, need, desire for a particular someone will get you there on it’s own, in it’s own right time whether at this very moment you feel ready or not. best way to get in the pool is not sit there and contemplate how cold the water is going to be before jumping in.
take care.
N,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I’m sorry for the delay in posting. I’ve read your comment a few times, always feeling buoyed by it. When we are ready, when we have made peace with the feelings that hold us back from being vulnerable, we can be open to love. I’m so happy you found it! And that you were brave enough to step into it.
The understanding of what we’ve experienced is such a blessing! A common ground.
Perhaps one day I will encounter someone who makes my heart buzz, my smile big and effortless, my soul sing. But if I don’t, I’ve come to understand (only very recently) that I will still be a super happy girl. I long for companionship, but the longing fades as other sources of fulfillment take its place – the boys, my athletic pursuits, and of course all of you! I have the most amazing encounters, for which I am ultra grateful. They’ll satiate me during this time.
It’s funny how summer is so easy…and winter, with its fires and cuddling and slow cooking makes me long for love. Don’t fear! I’ll jump in water no matter the temperature! But rest assured that I’m okay diving in finding only myself in the pool. As long as I have all of you. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have been reading your story/blog for months, and while I have not had the same exact experience (infidelity) with my most recent (and now dissolved) love, there are some similar threads that resonate.. I was in a relationship in which the other was not emotionally honest, yet all the while I was devoted and bare and vulnerable and present. What compelled me to finally comment here was my absolute love for something you wrote in your comment to another: “Life is beautiful with you here.”
Perhaps that phrase resonates because I personally place so much emphasis on the importance of others in my life, but maybe it is just simply that I (like yourself-or rather what I presume to be yourself) appreciate the goodness of recognizing the beauty of the beings that float through our lives and make our earthly journey a meaningful one. Too often is it that people don’t truly recognize the beauty that they, and the others they encounter, create.
And, my two cents, to share a part of what I’ve been learning from my own experience… it seems like you are in the midst of paying off a karmic debt.
Our earthly selves get so mired in the “processes” of living and loving and creating and wandering that when something bad happens, it can immediately feel like the entire universe is shattering around us and we are then helpless and fouled. But really, what is happening is that our universe is shattering so that we can create what we really need, and allow for what we really want. Thus, as we pay that debt, we are then free to move on and truly grow, flower, and prosper. I realize I’m doing that, and from what I read here, there is no doubt that you are doing the same.
There is a song by Jonathan Richman which has been carrying me through my own difficulty. It’s called, “I’m Just Beginning to Live.” You can find it easily on YouTube, and I highly recommend a listen. Jonathan has a knack for simply and beautifully conveying the weirdness and the difficulties and the beauty of life through song, all in just under four minutes! Ultimately what I’m getting at is that I could easily see him writing a song entitled “Life is Beautiful with You Here.”
But maybe, you could write that song yourself.
E,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your kind words of support. I nodded in agreement reflexively when you sensed that I am repaying a karmic debt. That understanding helps to motivate me to pay it well, with grace.
“Life is Beautiful with You Here.” This refers to others and ourselves. When coupled with, We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but spiritual beings having a human experience – the ‘you’ becomes ‘me’. Life is beautiful with me here. And with you here.
Life is just beautiful. I’ll have all the time in the Universe for cloud sitting and harp playing. But for now, I’m grateful to feel as a human. To struggle as a human. To be vulnerable as a human. And to celebrate human-ness.
I’m off to listen to Jonathan. Thank you for sharing the song.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have power back! Just to make your head spin a bit, I am going to touch quickly on a few different topics . . .If you had known, “I assumed The Genius was just like me.” then you may not have changed a darn thing.
I remember sitting on the T in Boston on Commonweath Ave (in front of BU) – note how specific – having a conversation with my boyfriend at the time (he is my husband now of almost 20 years) and thinking you are NUTS. We were talking about religion and he was just so out there I wanted to run. But I didn’t should I have? Maybe – especially after I met his mother – but I remember the feeling. I am just saying even if you had recognized the disconnect, you may have looked passed it with love in your heart.
Now to another topic, I am sensing from Twitter a bit of push/pull with the other two . . .don’t give them ammo. This blog is about you . . . not them. . . .the fact that they sit around talking about you makes me laugh so hard I want to cry. Really – get a life you two . . . how sad is your relationship that you sit around and talk about your ex’s – what are you like 16 . . . .
Head spinning yet . . .
Enjoying the electricity!
A
A,
Look at you, all powered up!
I feel for a close friend who lives in the town where I grew up. Predictions put ‘lights on’ in and around December 1st! I am SO grateful to be living here. The weather was a prime motivator to head west.
I absolutely looked past the disconnects because of the love of the shiny. I will never, ever do that again.
The ‘they’ I referenced in the tweet was The Genius and his counsel. But it would be safe to assume that he complains about me to the HDC and she strokes his enormous ego. One of the coolest gifts in all of this is my total indifference to the HDC. I am so grateful for that.
I am too freaking cold for my head to spin! It’s frozen! I’ve lost my east coast tolerance for cold. You rock, A. And you light up the world.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Keep doing what you’re doing, Cleo. I’m struggling through my own situation right now. Not involving deception, thankfully, but something that requires patience, calmness, and a trust in a higher power, whether it be God or the universe. So even though I haven’t had a Pocket Call of my own, I am still struggling and reading your blog helps remind me to STOP trying to figure things out and let them happen on their own. Look for the signs. Encounters, not manufactured conversations. I know this probably doesn’t make much sense to you, but basically all I’m trying to say is…your grace and the way you are dealing with the hard knocks of life can apply in many situations and I try to emulate you. Thanks for being a good teacher!
C,
Your words make perfect sense to me and your timing is perfect as well. You’re my teacher. I needed to read your words to remind me to stop creating struggles inmy life when all the Universe wants to do is see me create fun, joy, adventures, love, laughter. You’ve helped me SO much – at this VERY moment in time – I am moved. Hugely.
If I’m the teacher, you’re the Dean. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo… Wanted to tweet a response last night, but didn’t want my followers (ok, mainly just my daughter) to see it. I am a few months behind you in my journey of discovery, decisions, healing & year of crap-ass first anniversaries. My year is coming up Jan 31. The day my heart sank because I found out that my gut (which had been telling me all along) had been absolutely right. Never again will I distrust myself in favor or trusting someone whom I KNOW would ‘never’ hurt me, right?! Ya… right.
I am beside you all the way. Watching you, being inspired by you, and healing with you. It sucks but I know in my heart of hearts that it will be ok. You will be ok. I will be ok. Actually, we’ll be better than ok. I am sure of that. I am still in a crazy fog, but I know the joy will return and I’m grateful for that knowledge.
Thank you for your blog and your tweets. So raw and so real. You are helping more than you know. Actually, you have a namesake… I have a mannequin (Umm that sounds weird, let me explain that I’m not a freak who has mannequins around the house, I rep a clothing designer so I tweet and post FB pics of her dressed up smart and sassy!) She arrived a couple days ago and I decided to name her Cleo. Hope your flattered! Lol
Take care of yourself in this year of crap-ass first anniv. I know there are amazing things coming your way. You are a Phoenix!
Hugs,
S
S,
I am walking a little taller now. (And a little stiffer – ba-da-bump) My first mannequin. I’m honored in a super crazy fun kind of way. And totally flattered! You must send a pic! I trust she comes complete with massive feet and a really big heart.
The tears are flowing so freely this morning, yet I’m not sad. I am aware of the cleansing that is going on within. These tears have nothing to do with The Genius. They’re being shed for everyone.
Wait. I am sad. I’m sad that people can’t be honest with each other, kinder to each other, respect each other enough to not harm each other. And I feel it all aren’t and they don’t.
There is one first that will be a last – I will never put myself in this situation again. Never. I can celebrate that. And you, me and every other person here at HGM will be looking back on all our words someday and we’ll be celebrate our spirit, our sense of adventure, our achievements and our gifts.
Thank you, S. I’m so grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, today’s post is the first time in reading your blog (and I’ve read all of it) that you offended me.
“if a person believes that it’s morally acceptable to them to have an open marriage and they stand up and say it, I can only conclude that they are living with integrity while they bounce from bed to bed to backseat to office desk to swinger’s party.”
I have an open marriage. 15 years of bliss. Every day I wake, see the man I love, and fill with joy. It’s a really, really happy marriage. I know that I can trust him, because we have created a framework for trust. Our marriage is not open so that we can hop from bed to backseat to office desk to swinger’s party. Our marriage has some porousness because we want to be together our entire lives and we value integrity and trust. We know that the majority of humans do not sustain monogamous commitments; even research shows that most people cheat, most people lie. If people are willing to admit it to researchers that much, how much more does it happen?
I love my husband. I want to be with him always. I do not want to lie to him, or him to me, and I know that at some point in life, he’s going to want to kiss someone new, and that’s okay. I know that I am going to want to, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean he loves me less, or I love him less. If your parents could love eight children, how could we not have enough love for more than one adult? Love is not limited. Commitment is limited; one can only commit to so much. We have committed to forever, and to honesty.
I share your commitment to living a life of integrity. That is *exactly* why I have taken care to create a structure for my marriage that I believe works for us. I don’t think it is right for everyone. I think it is right for us. And your assumption that openness is about promiscuity rather than integrity saddens and hurts me. For some folks, it is. But for a huge and growing number of people, it’s about truth and love.
D,
This sentence nailed me: “We have committed to forever, and to honesty.” Committed to forever. That evokes for me a sense of adventure and a soul-level commitment that I will stop short of being jealous of and simply celebrate it!
I am sorry for offending you, D. No offense was meant. That sentence was designed to show that even a promiscuous open marriage is one of integrity if the partners have been honest with each other. When people are honest with each other and do not harm others with their actions, who am I to judge? That said, when partners are not honest and break hearts, I can’t help but judge their actions. Not who they are, but what they did.
Openness is about integrity. Integrity is about the love for the gift of life and the desire to live by stated morals, values and ethics. There is nothing more beautiful, no matter what it looks like in practice.
D, I am truly sorry. I’m grateful you took the time to let me know how you feel. I learn so much everyday from every beautiful being that takes time to comment. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
thank you for your clarification. and apologies back if i came on a little strong. having made the commitment to a nonmonogamous marriage because of my commitment to honesty and truth, it steams me up a bit that most folks assume it’s just all about the sex. i hear you that our shared concern is integrity.
and, to be clear, i am not so naive as to think that permission to have extracurricular adventures always means honesty; some folks just need the feeling of secrets and will cheat no matter what they promise or what they are allowed. your genius sounds like one of those.
i can’t wait to hear how you go about discussing ethics with the fellas who move through your world! it’s a tricky thing, no matter what kind of structure you want to create, to find someone who knows their heart, needs, and limits, knows how to communicate that, etc.
i feel certain that the world has a whole lot more love in store for you, though, sister, and i wish you well.
D,
Oh, you did not come on too strong. You spoke from the heart. I was SO moved by the fact that you took the time to tell me how you felt! Can you imagine if we all felt confident enough, gentle enough, centered enough to let someone know when we are hurt by their words? We’d avoid so many hurt feelings and wounded hearts by gently and respectfully communicating our feelings and our needs. I’ve said it here and directly to The Genius, if he had only told me he was unhappy (instead of telling me how happy he was) we could have had a friendship, even if our marriage had to end. We could have provided our children with a truly loving, supportive experience even with divorce. But he chose to be dishonest, and that changes the game.
You could have chosen to never read my words again. I would not have known that I offended you. But you didn’t. The result is that I feel closer to you than before, because we cared enough about each other as people to speak our feelings. To allow each other to respond. We listened. We learned. We love.
I’m sure the tales of me eventually having the ethics chat will be told at HGM. It will be enlightening for us all. Because I have fallen in love with myself again, I don’t feel the need to make concessions for companionship. I am fulfilled by encounters. And if I leave this planet never having loved again, I will celebrate the greatest loves of all: my love for humankind and my love for myself and my family.
I’m grateful to know you, D. Stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo –
Does it make you feel any better that I was 54 when I had the same revelation? We just assume the one we commit to has the same values and integrity and ignore the tiny warning signs. At least I did.
Just wanted to say you saved my life last night. I haven’t been out here in a while. It was a terrible terrible evening with my Genius. I snuggled up with the iPad and hisgiant mistake after he stormed off indignant about being asked to face his reality. I read the post about letting go. I’m telling you – I can’t count the times the message in a post has been a direct hit delivered at just the right time. The universe really is a remarkable place.
I’m so thankful for all of you out here. It really helps to know I’m not alone.
D,
I am so grateful that the words here came to you at the perfect time.
Assumptions. Those we make about others, and now I am seeing those I made about myself.
I picture you all snuggled, reading posts of days gone by. Soon, I will cuddle up to the very first post and read from that one on for the first time. I imagine I, too, will find that the messages in the words of kittens will pop out to show off at the perfect time. Thank you so much for being here. I am grateful to know that we have created such a supportive community of people who want to fly, not fester.
Love yourself,
Cleo