How about never?
Unless you’re The Genius. Then you do it at your first possibly opportunity. How very Mensa of you. And you do it because you know that a man (GASP! He must have a penis too!) is accompanying your God-I-Hope-Really-Freaking-Soon-Former-Wife and children to an airshow.
Yep. That was the catalyst. The horror. The horror of it all. An airshow. With a friend.
The Genius caught wind of the fact that Mr. Jackpot (Have I mentioned Mr. Jackpot is single and without children? He is. Just want to be in the clear.) and I were taking the boys to an airshow. Here’s how that came about: Mr. Jackpot invited us. He picked up the phone and called. Said there was a cool airshow going on just up north and he was thinking of checking it out. Thought we might want to tag along. No grand scheme. We haven’t been having an adulterous affair. Just two adults who are friends taking a couple boys to an airshow.
Somehow that became reason enough for The Genius to introduce to our children the Happy Dance Chick with whom he has been having a four year adulterous affair. That’s two people being so selfish that they would RISK negatively affecting the boys because of their own needs. The Genius wanted to show off the boys, and The Happy Dance Chick wanted to sniff some of that perfect, fuzzy, happy-go-lucky little family life she’s always been seeking. Well, she won’t find it with The Genius.
They spent the day together. I don’t know what they did, but they were together for hours. I was appalled. I let him know.
You didn’t discuss introducing your friend to them with me. Get off your high horse. She was introduced ONLY as my friend. Don’t make it anything more than it is, says he.
Don’t make it anything more than it is? Um, I’m not. I’m making it what it is. If you have to lie to your children, perhaps what you are doing isn’t right. Just a crazy, out-there thought. And there’s a BIG difference between introducing a friend to the children and introducing Daddy’s married mistress to the children, even if you’re lying to yourself and them by calling her a friend. You’d think a Genius could see that.
I was tweaked. I saw a whole new level of The Genius’ incompetence, if you can believe it. Honestly, I found this move to be more disturbing than initiating the affair. I’d rather be on my high horse, complete with a saddle of morals, than in the gutter where these two shack up.
Still numb from learning of the ‘meet and greet’ the day prior, I embraced heading out to an airport to ogle the flying machines, maybe climb in one or two and pretend I’m Amelia Earhart to take my mind off the cacophony of crap I was dealing with. We met up with Mr. Jackpot and headed north, into Sonoma County. But upon arrival at the airport it was immediately clear that the airshow was a no-show.
Mr. Jackpot knows his way around an airport from his days as a ramp rat and from tallying up about 100 hours of flight time. He chatted with a man who sent us a few hangers down to check out some private planes that were in for service. Off we went.
After drooling over a Piper Meridian that I know is destined to be mine, I went to the bathroom. There was some ‘yea, right’ talk about going up for a quick flight, but when I emerged that line had changed.
“You’re about to have your first flight lesson! Roger is going to take us up and you’re riding shotgun.”
“Roger?” I was waiting for Leslie Nielsen to come walking out from behind a moving propellor, nearly shearing off his head in full view of the boys, before tripping over a cable and taking me flat to the ground. I desperately wanted to pull out the “Roger, Roger. What’s your vector, Victor?” line but somehow managed self-restraint. Stunning. Until the flight was over. Can’t keep that stuff inside forever.
But there was no restraint happening as I pulled that headset on and looked back at Mr. Jackpot and the boys all buckled in their seats. I was really going to fly this bitty little plane. Yesterday I felt buried in the earth and today I was seconds away from flying above it. With my own hands. All because Mr. Jackpot knew I needed to soar.
We took off over west Marin towards the blue Pacific, with me mesmerized by the view – the hills sprouting with the fresh greens of the early rainy season, the forests as we approached the coast, and then…Limantour. From the air. I wanted to cry, but that’s when Roger handed my my wings. I thought crying might be a bad sign, and he’d roll his eyes and take back my power. I stuffed the tears back in and gently gripped the yoke, or steering wheel, having absolutely no idea where to look.
Do I look at the beach? The clouds? The Golden Gate Bridge coming into view? Or the instruments, which mean zilch to me at this point. Or do I look at Roger? No. He’d see the fear and turn off my headset.
I kid. I was jacked up. I could have done it for hours. I wanted to fly up and down the coast, land, take-off and get my pilot’s license in one day, followed by a celebratory flight in an F-18. As they say, I was bitten. I was 2000 feet up in the air piloting a plane towards San Francisco. I was grabbing life by the yoke. Delicately of course…those babies are very sensitive. I was shedding fears with every glance back to see the delighted look on the boys’ faces as they searched the bay for Alcatraz or looked for whales migrating north.
Then I met Mr. Jackpot’s eyes. He was thrilled to see me so thrilled. Been a long time since I’ve been on the receiving end of a look like that. He was genuinely happy for me. And probably pretty stoked that I was ballsy enough to do it.
My feet didn’t touch the ground for the rest of the day. And that’s not always a good thing.
Thank you for writing about this experience. I remember two of my Dad’s “friends” that he brought me and my siblings to meet. The first he cheated on my Mother with, and with the second he replaced our wonderful Stepmom. On that day he told us the news in a restaurant, probably so we couldn’t freak out, and then took us to his “friend’s” house to stay the night. Those memories have changed and become more complicated now that I have my own family. I also don’t understand what my Dad was thinking or what world he was living in. Reading your blog today has made things a little clearer for me. Thank you for sharing and for your honesty.
Mary,
Bet you knew they weren’t just friends. Your Dad was thinking, that’s the problem. Same with The Genius. Each bonehead move demonstrates that they are coming from the mind and not the heart (your conscience, your spirit, your soul, your core). The mind can justify ANYTHING! Especially if you give it long enough. The heart, when stripped bare of the walls one erects around it so it can speak, has to be honest. It knows no other way.
Clearly, I’m no expert on men and their ways of being, but many are completely cut off from their emotions, their heart, their soul. Your Dad was perhaps doing what he thought he was supposed to do. “Wrapped that one up. Guess I move on to the next one. Kids should meet her. Wonder if Friday would work.”
They are taught to not emote, they are encouraged daily to be dishonest, to hide their fears, to take kick-backs, to oggle women, to seek immediate gratification, and many are taught that they can do no wrong by their mothers. That’s a dangerous cocktail. Makes me no longer wonder why there is so much deceit, infidelity and all-around loser behavior happening these days.
I haven’t found a happily married woman in weeks…and I’ve been looking. Crazy! Thank you, Mary. I don’t know how long back this happened to you or where you are with it, but remember this: You are on your journey – he is on his. His actions are part of your journey. There for you to look at. To see how you respond to them and how it feels for you. Just focus on you. Does this feel right? Am I learning? Am I coming from my heart? And…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have been reading your blog from the beginning tonight, and just reached this post. I feel compelled to stop and comment before continuing to the end.
First, as both a professional writer and an avid reader, I love love love your writing! Your blog reads like the best kind of memoir. It’s wonderful how you’ve shared your story with honesty, humor, and a light touch that doesn’t paper over the deep emotional truth of your situation.
Second, I am the mythical happily married woman you haven’t been able to find. I’m 49 and have been married for 23 years. My husband and I have had more than our share of ups and downs — most dominantly some intense life crises and struggles starting at the very beginning of our marriage. But also issues between the two of us, and some bad times that we worked through.
The qualities that I believe have led to us being truly happy together after all these years are a very deep soul-centered love, intense loyalty to each other, and a healthy balance of mutual interests and individual pursuits. I’m giving and nurturing to him, but I’m equally giving and nurturing to myself and my own needs. (And he’s giving and nurturing to me, too!) We’re both creative souls and each other’s biggest cheerleaders as we navigate through the tribulations and joys of life and of our creative pursuits.
And third, I grew up with a father who was a serial cheater and a narcissist. He left us when I was in elementary school to live with his lover for nearly a year, then came back. He left for good when I was a teenager. When he remarried a few years later, I worked hard to forge a relationship with his new wife. I felt wounded again in my thirties when he dumped his devastated second wife for a new girlfriend, who eventually became his third wife.
As you’ve so clearly illustrated with your story, these men have no idea how they’re affecting everyone in their lives. My father would have been shocked if I had shared how upset I was over the way he ended his second marriage. He wouldn’t have understood how it could possibility affect me, and would have argued circles around me about how my feelings were “wrong.” (Which is, of course, why I had stopped sharing any intimate feelings with him years earlier, even as I tried, until he died last year, to have the best relationship with him that was possible.)
The thing that’s most compelling to me about your story as you’re sharing it here is how you are taking the experiences of your husband’s betrayal and the end of your marriage to learn about yourself and to grow exponentially. In the end, that’s what life and pain are all about, right? Learning, growing, becoming an ever-better version of yourself. Otherwise, what’s the point?
I’m sending love and hope and happiness your way….Thanks so much for opening up and sharing your story!
S,
I am again reminded that adultery affects a whole circle of people, not just the betrayed spouse. Right now I feel that I am the one who is picking up all the pieces. The Genius and The Happy Dance Chick have each other, their hopes and dreams for the future, and rest securely in each others arms (unless of course he’s out banging somebody else), while I figure out which end is up.
But, that’s going to change. One day our children will have questions. And they’ll want answers. They’ll make their own judgments and decide how to weave the truth of the implosion of their family into their own journeys. It will then be The Genius who is picking up the pieces. Whereas now, given that he no longer lives in the family home, he is the Headliner. The one the boys always want to see.
I will remain graceful. The boys will be able to respect me for how I am handling this massive shift. (Drop the ‘f’ if you want.) And I will respect the opportunity I have to peel away the layers and become the woman I set out to become. No more detours. Thank you for your kind words, your love and hope and happiness (I grabbed them all and tucked them away to use sparingly so I never run out.), and for joining us here at HGM.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I was reading this blog with tons of sympathy for you, until the “Mr. Jackpot” ridiculousness. Seriously you told your kids Mommy and Daddy are going to divorce and that same night you brought another man over for wine? And then foisted another man on them at the airshow? And to a small child that’s supposed to be somehow different than meeting another woman with Daddy within days of learning their parents are divorcing? They haven’t had a second to take any of this in and already there are two new “just a friend”s on the scene? (but yours is different from Genius’s, because you are still married to their Daddy but didn’t start dating your boyfriend until after Daddy started dating his girlfriend… so yours is much different…)
And if Mr. Jackpot is a decent guy, why on earth would you foist an emotional rollercoaster of your divorce on the new relationship with this guy? Now he’s dating a married woman dealing with a newly discovered infidelity, who is still in marriage counseling no less (though I’m sure you call it divorce counseling), and still wrapped up in the minutia of the emotional issues of her marriage and her husband’s infidelity. Sounds like a very healthy sort of relationship for him. And for you.
No time to let yourself end your marriage, emotionally divorce, legally divorce and take some time to put your head and heart back in order, to focus on your children and to help ease them through a transition that grown adults – probably many you know yourself – will tell you was one of the hardest experiences of their childhood? Before embarking on the next romantic relationship? Have you yourself never dated someone who was still so wrapped up in the ins and outs of their last relationship that “rebound” would be a premature word to use because they hadn’t even bounced yet? If you haven’t ever found yourself in that position you are lucky, but foisting it on this “Mr. Jackpot” seems as Genius a move as Genius’s moves themselves.
Focus on your kids. Help them. Protect their emotions. Don’t introduce them to “friends” who come over after you kiss them goodnight and cuddle on the couch with Mommy and wine. Don’t pretend that to these bewildered kids, Mommy’s “friend” is different and somehow better than Daddy’s “friend” because of relationship dynamics and timing they can’t begin to comprehend and wouldn’t care about even if they could understand.
Let yourself feel the terrible truth of your husband’s 4 year affair. Let yourself hit bottom and grieve. You think you’ve done it – you haven’t. Stop avoiding it and distracting yourself with yet another relationship and just be a separated, divorcing woman until you’re single. Think about life. Be nurtured by friends (real friends, not new handsome “friends” with Chemistry). Figure out how to be a divorced, custody-sharing mother. Focus on your children. They went from a two parent hosuehold to Daddy traveling for months, to Daddy and Mommy crying and cold and distracted with little attention, to Daddy and Mommy divorcing. Give them a break, give them back their Mommy before auditioning New Daddys. If you need a rebound, do it in private so they don’t have to take part in it.
And give Mr. Jackpot the opportunity to wait for you, so that he doesn’t have a married girlfriend whose conversation centers around her divorce, her a**hole soon to be ex and the latest thing that happened in marriage (divorce!) counseling.
Emma,
I appreciate the time you took to comment and give me guidance. I bet you are a valuable girlfriend – one who speaks her mind, tough but with great care. Although a tad assumptive in this particular case. Couple clarifications…
Mr. Jackpot is a friend. He is not someone with whom I have been having a romantic, sexual 4 year relationship. Do you have friends who are men? Until now, most of my friends have been men. Probably due to having 5 brothers – I’m the sports and fishing type of girl. And he is the same friend that came over to my house and took us flying. I don’t have a parade of men coming through the house with whom I cuddle and chug wine.
Keep in mind, all of my friends are new. I have recently moved across the country. I tried to get all my friends from back east to come with me, but so far no dice. The boys do not assume just because a person has a penis that he is more than a friend to Mommy. My best friend from back East is a man. It’s pretty normal to them.
The Genius has been on the road our entire marriage. The boys are not experiencing such a dramatic transition as you suggest in this respect. I am grateful for that unique aspect of our relationship. He has been traveling greater than 50% of the time (6-8 weeks on, a couple weeks off) since they were born and since we were married. And guess what! I have been able to focus on them, love them, inspire them, and allow them to fly. All as a single parent in essence. I have not skipped a beat in that aspect since about 2 weeks after The Pocket Call.
Mr. Jackpot is going through a very similar situation, although he was never married and has no children, and we are able to learn from each other in this trying time. I have not foisted anything on him. And he is not named Mr. Jackpot for the reasons I believe you assume. Our conversations don’t center around my divorce. Our conversations center around our growth as people. We urge each other to look deep and come to a true understanding of why we created the situations we are experiencing. He is a gift from the Universe and has helped me in so many ways. I will be eternally grateful to him. Oh, and he hopes to marry and have children one day. Me? Been there, done that.
Men and women can be friends.
I believe there are many ways to work through life-changing situations. There is no one-size-fits-all. But what is Universal is the need to…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Sorry…I’m with Emma on this one. You don’t introduce new men into your children’s lives so immediately after your split, friend or not. I don’t care what your ex did…this is about how YOU behave. I’ve been reading your blog and I’ve tried to understand and associate with you (being a divorcee myself), but I just can’t. I wish you well, but I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree on this matter.
M,
I appreciate your honesty and that you took the time to comment. Only time will tell if the introduction of Mr. Jackpot to the children was a bad move. I’ve looked at it from all sides, and I am so very willing to own up to mistakes, but so far it hasn’t played out as one. The boys have spent time with Mr. Jackpot three times in three months. They built paper airplanes and made apple pies. A good time was had by all.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m with Emma here. The kids are trouble enough already, and why on earth would you invite a strange man into your house, on the day you told your children about your divorce? Yes, time will tell, or time was already then.
I am going through my own divorce that I know the pain, and the yearning for companionship. However, you don’t have to lower yourself to the level of your ex.
K,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and read HGM. You’re right, I don’t have to lower myself to the gutter in which The Genius resides. And I didn’t. I didn’t take my children to spend the entire day with my adulterous lover, the person who was a key player in the destruction of my family, the person with whom I am having a four year affair, who is also married with children. I put the boys to bed, and then three hours later, I shared a glass of wine with a friend who is not married. Who then left to return to his home. It’s a bit different, don’t you think?
Love yourself,
Cleo
The sun was shining when I began reading this blog. Now it’s dark out and my bum is sore (hard chair!) but I can log off and go to bed without worrying about you, knowing you’ll be fine. What an absolutely perfect time for a flying lesson, definately a gift from the universe! You are an inspiration.
Deb,
I would have fetched you a pillow! Thank you for taking the time to read HGM and to comment. I love knowing you are here. And now you have to stay. Because even though you don’t need to worry, I still need you. See? I’m talking freely about my needs! Pats herself on back…tucks pillow under your bum.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo,
I’m going to have to go with Emma on this one. Yes, men and women can be friends. And no, the man who horns in on a woman who is obviously going through a traumatic experience is not one of them. There are men out there who have a second sense for when women are at their most vulnerable, and they come in all hearts and flowers like Mr. Jackpot, and it’s sudden and brilliant and soon over.
I’m two years out from the experience that you are having now, and believe me when I say you have to grieve every bit of it, deeply and truly and to the end. There’s no amount of positive thinking that can jump you over it — you have to go through. And sometimes you feel giddy, too. I remember at first thinking, “Wow, I can go out and have sex with whomever I want! I can feel desirable and desired again!” But I didn’t, and now that mad desire has faded, replaced by a feeling that I have to go deeper into myself first. I’m undergoing a big transformation, and I don’t want any men cluttering up my mind or heart until I’m finished. Right now it’s all about my work, and my kids, and my friends, and myself, and it’s just fine that way.
I recommend “Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends,” an excellent book about the stages of pre- and post-divorce living. I think you’ll find it useful. I know I did.
L,
I’ve pondered your words for about 30 minutes now to be sure that I am being fully honest with myself in my reply.
Mr. Jackpot is single, without children and one year removed from the demise of his relationship. He has proactively worked through the issues raised by that failed love, and continues to do so. He wants to be married and to have children. You know my deal, so I won’t be repetitive. So, who is truly vulnerable in this friendship? Or more vulnerable?
I will be writing about this in future posts because it is a fascinating part of divorce. Do the blanket statements about waiting year(s) before embarking on a relationship really apply across the board? I can’t imagine they do. But I haven’t yet worked through it, so please be patient. I will for sure be writing about it shortly.
I truly hope that “mad desire” returns for you. Perhaps a person (who just happens to be a man) will come along and through their simple presence in your life help to nurture you as you go through this transformation.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share these thoughts with me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Meeting ‘Daddy’s Friend’ is one of my biggest fears in all of this. My ‘Genius’ is about as genius as yours… I see many similarities! My kids haven’t even met her yet (and they’d better not for a LONG time!!!) but I already hear constantly, “Daddy’s friend from work….” BARF! Makes me absolutely sick to my stomach!
A,
Yes, it does strike fear on the hearts of parents who know that, because of divorce, they will have to share the affections of their children with someone they didn’t plan on having in the picture. I’ve come to understand that I will have to let go of that fear or risk being consumed by it. I’d rather be consumed by love. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here at HGM.
Love yourself,
Cleo
She has to trust herself…
What is the alternative? To insulate yourself for the “proper” amount of time?
I thought so, built the wall to withstand all influences.
Now it won’t come down, even when I want it to.
I’m also going to have to agree somewhat with Emma. While I really don’t care how serious the “friend” is, or whether or not you end up having sex with him (can you tell I’ve only read this far?), calling your male friend “just a friend” is no different than your husband calling his mistress “just a friend”, as long as neither of you are being obviously sexual in front of the kids. The kids won’t notice the difference. This is from a child of a father who was a serial cheater/marrier, until he finally met the woman he stayed married to until he died. I’m really not understanding why you seem to feel there is a real difference.
Oh, and as far as I’m concerned, have as many adult relationships as you want. A sexual relationship with a man you’ve connected with can be very healing. As long as you aren’t parading a series of boyfriends past the kids, the kids can handle you having a “special friend”, especially this young. If they were teenagers, you would be in a world of hurt.
J,
I am so glad my children are young enough to not have this complicate their world too much. They seem to be doing well, but I’m sure there is sadness in their hearts. I encourage them to share, and they do. And they know they are loved by both me and The Genius. I am so grateful to have them in my life.
Here’s my issue with The Happy Dance Chick meeting my children. She is still married. She was a prominent player in a very long, ugly deception of not just me but also of my family. She clearly has issues with judgement. Did I mention she’s still married? That means that when she is with The Genius and our children there is the energy of deceit mucking up that interaction. The boys are players in that deceit, even if they are simply bystanders. And what of the time line? My oldest son is smart as Einstein. (Perhaps a tad exaggerated, but he’s 6 and reads National Geographic. For real.) He will be able to put two and two together. He’ll pick up on the nuances of their relationship, and one day he’ll figure out the timeline. He’ll see that his grandmother is friends with the mistress. That she supports the relationship as it unfolded. All of this will prime him to learn that it’s okay to have affairs. That you have to do what is right for you. And that everybody is okay with that.
Except I’m not. I’m going to stop the cycle of infidelity that permeates The Family Genius. It starts by making grown up decisions about what the children can and cannot be exposed to. There is no reason to have them interact with The Genius’ mistress mere weeks after he moves out. Just no good reason. Maybe she ought to get divorced first.
Thank you for taking the time to read HGM and to comment. I’m always grateful to have someone take me by the hand and revisit my decisions so that I may continue to evaluate them and learn from them.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Ok, I have to take issue with Emma and those that you shouldn’t have introduced them to Mr. Jackpot. They need to see that other men are going to be nice and treat mom AND them well. They need to see mom HAPPY! See here’s the thing. There are 2 sayings that relate to this. 1: Misery loves company. 2: If mom ain’t happy, no one is happy. Both are true. Seeing mom happy instead of angry or crying is a good thing for them. It shows them that mommy is doing better. It shows them that mommy will be OK and by extension, they will too. And when the time comes, hopefully it will show them what a NORMAL loving relationship is like. Wait years? Why? To let the pain take hold, fester and spread? To share the misery with them? No. Move on and bring the kids along. You did just fine in that regard.
Now, I do have to take issue with Miss Cleo too. Just as introducing them to a new male friend isn’t bad, neither is his intro to his lady. Yes, I know she’s the homewrecker. You know that and he knows that, but the kids don’t need to. Just as they want to see you happy, they want daddy happy too. It’s the way kids tend to be. Let them see him happy too, as much as it turns your stomach.
My ex introduces the kids to her newest squeeze when she sees them. So long as mr. pleasure-of-the-moment (since that’s all they are there for) isn’t a sex offender or druggie (and so far none have been according to the dept of corrections search), I’m ok with it. It’s going to happen. They have met both the gf’s I dated after divorce right away, on our first dates. It shows that we will make sure they are not left out and won’t feel left behind.
C,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I appreciate having you here.
And I appreciate your take on this matter. Big time. I’ve let go of needing to form an opinion about how The Genius and The Happy Dance Chick interact with the boys. I’ll be here to pick up the pieces if and when they fall. One can certainly question the judgment of both TG and THDC, along with lack of morals, values, etc. So, there can be some cause for concern there. But I trust that I can handle whatever comes my way and set a great example for the boys in the process.
I do want the boys to have excellent male role models in their life. They don’t need to have their world complicated by trying to understand a romantic relationship right now, but they can have fun with me and my friends. If those friends happen to be men like Mr. Jackpot who tirelessly make the most amazing paper airplanes with them and make them laugh and relax and have fun – well, for that I am eternally grateful.
Stay close, C.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I think the point being missed is as you say Mr. Jackpot is a friend who happens to be male. I too have five brothers and all my closest friends are males. The amaxing thing is most of my male friends have many sisters i have had many people tell me men and women cannot be friends without a sexual relationship. I have been married for 28 years without this ever being an issue. Continue having positive male role models for your boys and you. It will be a reminder that you cannot condemn the entire male population for the character flaws of the Genuis. I wish you well on your journey of discovery and growth.
M,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for your guidance. You captured precisely how I feel about this. People are people. I see who the boys gravitate towards and who they don’t. Together we create relationships. I’ve made a commitment to myself that the boys will not meet anyone who is not on the ‘friend for life’ list, and they will only meet them as a friend. I’m sticking to it. They don’t need to experience the potential ups and downs of romance even if I’m completely okay with it.
Your comment comes months after I have written this post. Mr. Jackpot is still a dear friend who loves the boys and the boys love him. All four of us will always be friends. Thank you for supporting my desire for the boys to have positive male role models, to include their five amazing Uncles. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You know what chaps my butt about this criticism you are getting about Mr Jackpot? I want to see if I have this straight. Your husband cheats on you for four years with this clam-boat and lies to you the entire time. Clearly, you have been missing stuff for those four year, human stuff I mean – intimacy, friendship, partnership, affection – that kind of thing, right? You find out about the deception, not because he comes clean but because you overhear their tryst as it is happening…You decide to end the marriage and when you finally a man who can have a conversation with, who gives you an ounce of what of have been desperate for over the last four years, YOU can’t have it because of the kids??? Are you kidding me? HE created this situation for your kids, not you…and according to the folks here YOU have to forfiet the relationship. Sorry…no! What is important to the kids is that you keep being the wonderful parent you have been being. You are not the one you should be punished, you have been punished enough.
H,
Chaps my butt. That’s my new favorite phrase! Followed closely by CLAM BOAT!!!! Oh, my! I am rolling. Now get over here so I can hug you. I can HEAR your words. If you’ve got a voice for radio we ought to host a show. The spunk!
My short take on Mr. Jackpots. The key is to be healthy enough inside to understand that Mr. Jackpot isn’t a replacement for the spouse. He’s not going to solve problems or fill a role or mend a broken heart. Only we can do that for ourselves. But, as you so rightly pointed out, the Jackpots of the world are there to assist in the transition, to be human with you, to be present with you.
My Mr. Jackpot helped in so many ways, on so many levels – even if it wasn’t all chocolates and red wine. He was instrumental in my healing. He reflected back to me what I need, who I am, and helped me to establish boundaries. And he did so selflessly. At the risk of breaking his own heart. I will be forever grateful to him and he will always be my friend.
What the kids don’t need is a Mom or Dad who goes all mad depressive because the first relationship out of the gate post-betrayal fails. Which is why SO many people say Don’t Date For A Year Post Divorce!
It’s not dating. It’s living. Labels don’t work. Forget the moving sidewalk relationship. Meet, Date, Love, Marry.
Just encounter and learn. That is the absolute best gift we can give our children as we reclaim our love for ourselves.
Thank you so much for bringing me back to this time to ponder the importance of Jackpots. And for taking the time to comment.
Love yourself,
Cleo