If divorce were a marathon, I’d peg myself at about mile 2. I’ve never run a marathon, but I know that when I start a hike I’m pushing myself those first few miles. The legs feel a little fuzzy, a little peeved that they have to work so hard out of the gate. I imagine they think they do all the heavy lifting…little do they know it’s the heart that works tirelessly to carry me on. But I love my legs. Even the jiggly part of my inner thighs. (Truth be told, I have to remind myself to love that part. Daily. Hourly. When I’m not reminding myself to love my feet. Or my stretch marks.)
As I reflect back on these last several months I am amazed at all that has transpired. It seems impossible that I could maintain this pace for the duration. Then I pause and realize my life has always been this rich, this full of experiences. I just wasn’t paying close enough attention before the Pocket Call. And now that I am, I am blown away by the levels of details, experiences, and meanings that are available to me if I choose to access them. If I choose to live my life by being present and fully open. It’s not a pace I am maintaining, it’s a cadence by which I am choosing to live my life.
The ride back home from Yachats is a great metaphor for what I’m coming to understand. The car was flying, but I was stationary. Emotions, scenes, and energy, both light and dark, were all buzzing around me, but I remained centered so I could look at them and see them with clear eyes. Life can move at dizzying speeds, but if I get out of my head and live in my core, I’m in the eye of the storm, where it’s calm, and not whirling around the outskirts, end over end, trying to hitch a stabilizing ride on the bumper of an airborne pickup truck.
So many recent encounters could have resulted in me putting the talents of the Cirque du Soleil acrobats to shame. I want to understand why they haven’t. It’s not because I’m all of the sudden some sage who emits nag champa with her every delicate move. Somehow, by adding the extra step of looking for the meaning behind the encounter, I’ve simplified my experience here on the blue marble. Yet I’ve made it more complex, in a delicious, energizing way. And I’ve created a place to be that allows me to allow others to be as they are, without judging them. Which provides me with opportunities to learn and to support those beings that are kind enough to come walk with me for some time.
I’m going to borrow from K. some of his words in a comment he posted about the reactions by some here at HGM to the recent experiences I’ve had with The Genius and Mr. Jackpot.
“None of us is above reproach, and rashly judging one another, instead of seeking to understand, is not the path to contentment. Men and women are different, in the way we see the world and how we communicate, especially in relationships, and double-especially in how we communicate our fears, anxieties and insecurities. It’s a godawful mess, frankly, and it takes a whole ton of work to puzzle through it. But it’s worth the effort, in my view. I appreciate the women in my life who have given me patience and the room to grow and learn to express myself in ways that work for them. I hope they appreciate how I’ve provided the same for them.”
As has been K’s modis operandi, his comment was ultra timely. It is exactly this idea of being compassionate with those who join us on our path, allowing them the opportunity to be imperfect, so that we can learn from each other, that I resonate with most. But here’s where we differ:
“It’s a godawful mess, frankly, and it takes a whole ton of work to puzzle through it.”
For me, it becomes less messy and not work, but rather an exciting endeavor, when I seek the meaning behind the encounter, the interaction, the experience and not simply react to what is transpiring.
I feel as if I live (sort of) comfortably in two worlds these days. I was tooling around the web to find a way to describe how this feels to me and read these words: “The higher planes are about pure energy, love and truth; the lower planes are about manifesting them.” (The site is www.michaelteachings.com – I haven’t fully perused it but seems like there’s some interesting ideas there to ponder.)
By knowing that all actions, words, thoughts, deeds are born from a place of love and truth, I am better able to be compassionate with their manifestations on the blue marble. It brings me right back to my school analogy. We’re all students here. We are being given daily opportunities to explore the absolute kick of being a human being. Our lives are ripe with encounters that urge us to go beyond, to ponder, to seek the underlying meaning. We have access to all the tools (compassion, love, intuition, joy, intelligence) we need to ace this course. We just have to remember to open the kit.
I spent a grand total of 5 minutes on the Michael Teachings site and, along with the beautiful morsel above, I was delighted to read this from Joya Pope:
“Some of us intellectual types have an easier time loving everyone once we acknowledge that people exist at all kinds of level of development…it was easier for me to stop trying to nudge and push people to GET IT and move along. I have a LOT more enjoyment of people with these ideas about levels in my head. I love myself more easily for understanding these patterns too – – and forgive myself more easily for being lazy about the material world. Or for feeling like I don’t fit in some social or business setting.”
I don’t know Joya Pope, and I wouldn’t describe myself as an intellectual type, but perhaps I read that differently than she meant it to be read. To me, seeing that people are on all different levels of development here is a heart-centered view. Not an intellectual one. And it makes so much sense to me. We often reference chemistry, or lack there of, when describing an encounter with another person. Sometimes we have ‘chemistry’ and sometimes we don’t. Maybe that chemistry we feel is the result of our levels of development being in sync. Not equal, per se, but complimentary. Mutually beneficial.
So, while my experience with Mr. Jackpot on our Yachats adventure could easily be described as uncomfortable, intense, chaffing, irritating, or unnecessarily complicated and lacking joy, I see it as a perfect manifestation of our pure energy, love and truth. As Joya says, “I have a LOT more enjoyment of people with these ideas about levels in my head.”
How’s that for spinning s…tuff into gold?
The idea that we are on different levels of ‘soul maturation’ reminds me of a theory that I learned way back when I launched my post-college career. The theory is often referred to as the Four Stages of Competence. In short, we begin at the Unconsciously Incompetent stage, progress to Consciously Incompetent, then to Unconsciously Competent and finally graduate to Consciously Competent. When applied to the acquisition of a skill it fits perfectly. And when applied to our experience here on the blue marble it is a home run.
Wow. I didn’t expect tears.
They spring from eyes that see the beauty in our imperfections. Trust me when I say that to genuinely embrace, love and give time and space to my own imperfections and those of others is an epiphany that is massively potent for me. And such a dramatic shift from where I once was stuck. It frees me up to slow down and love, love, love.
Which is a good thing because I’m about to do my first open water swim in the bay this week and have already felt the eyes of the sea creatures upon me as they lick their lips. (Do they have lips?) I’ll be envisioning swimming with grace and endurance and not splashing around like bait, fighting the tide and losing the battle. I will love each and every shark that patrols the bay that night. Let’s hope they do the same for me. I will have a guide, Mr. Been-There-Done-That. I don’t want you to think I would just dive into the bay and swim off. Well, I would. But my Mom won’t let me.
(For the record, I do meet women, just in case you are wondering where all these Mr.’s come from. It seems that women are coming forth to support my soul and men are coming forth to teach me about the planet. I’ll remain conscious of this idea because I find it intriguing – the way the maternal is cradling my soul and the paternal is showing me the ropes.)
Love yourself,
Cleo
PS: Did no one see what I saw in the drift wood pictured here?
I have been at “this divorce thing” for the past 4 years and am finally at the resting phase. Sometimes I wonder how in the hell I held on during all those horrible months where life became one big battle with my ex (which I HATE since I much prefer peace and love and happiness!).
One thing I can say is that I definitely live life more “awake” now and realize I was sort of acting on auto-pilot before my version of The Happy Dance came into our lives. I used to categorize how horrible a “divorce event” with my ex was by calling them car accidents. I think I got this from one of the thousand divorce self-help books that I devoured in those first few months. The author stated that going through a divorce is like getting in a car accident every day for a few years! LOL So for the first few years I would say “well, that was a head on collision” or “that was just a fender bender”. And now…I am happy to say that I have had a perfect driving record for at least the past year
Sure there are still things that pop up but like you, I try to use them to seek deeper meaning and to expand myself as a human being. It isn’t always easy–especially when you are dealing with a Happy Dance Chick who loves drama–but I do the best I can with my ex and let all the stuff with her fall away–she’s not worth my time or effort anymore.
I have grown more in the past 4 years than I think I did in my previous 36 years on the blue marble and for that, I am thankful to my ex!
N,
Bravo! Brilliant!
“I have grown more in the past 4 years than I think I did in my previous 36 years on the blue marble and for that, I am thankful to my ex!”
It comes down to choices, no? Yes, divorce is painful, sad and draining. And there is a time to step out of the muck and be responsible for your own happiness. I can see that you have accomplished that beautifully.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here, m’lady. I feel your glow.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Kristin on said:
I see a very oddly shaped face.
K,
I can’t resist…”I see dead people.”
I will tell you what I see in tomorrow night’s post. I am BLOWN AWAY by what people have seen! SO many images. It makes me want to blow this sucker up and send it out to all of you so you can ponder away…
I am now officially obsessed with drift wood and the images held in its beautiful markings.
Love yourself,
Cleo
as i read your entry i thought of something i was going to mention in an earlier comment. i am curious if you are familiar with Imago Therapy or the book by Harville Hendrix
http://www.harvillehendrix.com/
he has written books about conscious versus unconscious behavior.
getting the love you want, finding the love you want. etc.
The summary is that each of us has had occurances where our trust was broken with a caregiver and that each seeks out subconsiously a mate that can help them heal from that breach of trust. it goes from there to be able to focus on oneself instead of reacting to others. very beneficial and i think you would find interesting since it is on a similar plane to your experiences and awareness.
being aware of our own behavior as well as others is a level of communication alone. behavior is communication even when you don’t want to hear what is being communicated.
V,
Thank you for sharing the book. I have not read it but will make the time to do so.
“Being aware of our own behavior as well as others is a level of communication alone. Behavior is communication even when you don’t want to hear what is being communicated.”
Well said, and something I need to work on. I am more present than ever, and focused on the signs. But I still have a long way to go in developing my abilities to hear and see, and then distill. Your words help to reinforce that I need to have all my senses up and running so that I can be a better listener – and not just with my ears.
With much gratitude,
Love yourself,
Cleo
I didn’t think it was a question to be answered but I see a ram. Apropos of the fact that I’m an Aries, maybe?
D,
Tomorrow night I will share what I saw in the drift wood. Yes, apropos. I am amazed by all the different images people have seen. Drift wood ROCKS. I may have to become a wood nymph, whatever that is, so that I can live on drift wood. I wonder if I can get wifi at Limantour?
Love yourself,
Cleo
Please share. What did you see in the drift wood?
M,
I will share…tomorrow night. I had the divine opportunity to discuss some native history with a fellow Canadian (meaning fellow to you, I can only wish I was Canadian) yesterday at Limantour. It sparked in me a desire to learn more. I have some wonderful books that I will delve in to when time permits. I need a reading holiday!
Thank you for all that you have shared.
Love yourself,
Cleo
In the picture, what I see is a snarling lizard-like creature. But I always fail these Where’s Waldo-like tests.
Another thought-provoking post, Cleo. I completely agree that many of us are in different stages of “development” or “soul maturation,” and that is often responsible for disconnects between people. And I like how you tied that in with chemistry (although, may I never go on a dating site ever again and see that word). But I also worry that if we carry that idea too far, we’re back to being judgmental again, as in “I’ll try to be understanding with him because he has not evolved emotionally yet.” I don’t think that’s necessarily what you’re implying. But I have picked up that vibe from women when they talk about men sometimes.
I go back to my original comment, which taked about us (men and women) being different, and I think all the soul maturation in the world doesn’t account for that. I could be completely evolved, and you could be completely evolved, but I’ll bet that doesn’t completely eliminate the possibility that you and I might butt heads somewhere along I-5. What WOULD help is if I understood you well enough to know how you communicate (Do you usually say what you mean?), and you understood me well enough to know the same (Do I tend to be a passive aggressive? Many men are.), and we took that knowledge and applied it when it was needed most.
So I guess I come at it as seeing people’s differences, and not always expecting that they are going to change or grow, or even should. But rather, that’s just who they are. And I either roll with it and accept it, or I move on.
– K
K,
Very thought-provoking comment as well, K.
“I go back to my original comment, which talked about us (men and women) being different, and I think all the soul maturation in the world doesn’t account for that.” When I read this sentence my first feeling was that “men and women” are manifestations of souls and I seem to only see the souls lately. I find that I’m not focused on the distinction between men and women, and, as I’ve said before (“I don’t see live people.”), I feel like I’m straddling two worlds. This can, has and will create issues for me on the blue marble.
Grounding in the body is CRUCIAL for me right now. All this soul growth stuff is awesome, essential and a KEY part of my journey at this particular point in time, but your comment has me realizing that in order to be fully present I have to be fully present in my body on the blue marble.
Time to ground. Thank you for the reminder. So timely as usual. Your internal clock rocks.
Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have been reading your site now for a few months and want to thank you for allowing us all to join in on this journey you are on. As a somewhat newish married woman, I do not share the common denominator of divorce with you, but what I do derive from your story is a newfound sense of what I need to be focusing on in my life. I’m the type of person who always needs to be in control, which aside from being annoying to my husband, is also exhausting. I’m beginning to see that I’m missing so many amazing gifts by not allowing the universe to unfold as she sees best. It is difficult to change patterns of behaviour but I never consciously realized I should change until I started reading HGM. Thank you for opening my eyes and giving me the motivation to step back and just let it be.
P.S. I saw a screaming woman in the driftwood…
L,
You are so very welcome. You made my day, m’lady.
“I’m the type of person who always needs to be in control, which aside from being annoying to my husband, is also exhausting.” Yes, it is exhausting! Which, of course, means that letting go is energizing. But so very hard for us control freaks. I’m here to say it can be done. I’m working on this daily.
I was about to say that I wish I had the amazing support of all of you long ago when my marriage was in its early days. But intuitively I know that it has played out as it was intended. Which is, in essence, letting go of the outcome. I don’t look back with regrets. I look back to take lessons learned forward.
Together we can both create spontaneous smiles, joyful experiences and love by shedding the need to control the 3D stuff that goes on about us daily and focus instead on the magic that happens moment by moment all around us. I’m so glad to have you here to walk with me. Thank you for your kind words and for your presence here at HGM.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I just read your whole blog almost at once. I did have to take a break halfway through to go for a jog on the greenway here in god’s country to process a lot of stuff. I am still healing from my husband’s infidelity and am going about it a whole ‘nother way. But I can relate to feeling nature’s healing and talking to the universe. I am trying to help the marriage heal because after a 1.5 year affair with my close (former) friend (double betrayal) he was almost immediately remorseful and insists it was not my fault. How can you not love that? And, except for that interlude, we have been very much in love. I think it possibly is true that during times of severe stress (economy sinking his business, becoming empty-nesters) someone can lose themselves so much that they want to escape into some other persona, which he did with a slut who flirted heavily with him. He feels awful. I feel awful. And the only thing still needing fixing is getting him to talk about our relationship deeply once in awhile (which you mentioned needing as well). He can’t seem to do it, no matter how often I’ve begged. He seems afraid to “go there”. But, obviously, avoiding it didn’t work out before. I just have to decide how important it is to me (VERY!). If he can open up to a therapist, why not me? I really need him to talk to me about it, at least just to show he cares how I’m healing. That’s where I am now. Maybe the river will lend me some wisdom this afternoon. Yesterday it suggested I move on and let the 27-year marriage dissolve because it’s come to a standstill. Rivers are always trying to dissolve standstills.
E,
Oh, if there is a possibility that your 27 year marriage can survive the betrayal of infidelity please do all you can to make that happen. But it can’t rest upon your shoulders alone. Only you know what you need. But I can offer that if he isn’t able to be present with you in the healing of your relationship then it will be a hard road. That said, the care you are showing yourself will serve you well as you move forward on your path.
“Rivers are always trying to dissolve standstills.” Beautifully said. What a great analogy. Is there a standstill (dam?) in you that needs dissolving? That was the question that popped into my heart when I read that sentence.
I am, and always will be, stunned that a friend would help to cause such devastation.
I am so grateful you took the time to share your story. I imagine others will have words of wisdom for you. We are all here to lend a hand as you gracefully walk your path. Focus on you, m’lady. And hopefully he will take note of your example and follow suit.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo,
I think your driftwood looks like the face of a squirrel with a nut in its fingers
The squirrel looks a bit tense and anxious.
I love reading your blog. Keep loving yourself!
– Bonnie.
B,
I swear I’m turning this photo into wall paper. I will be able to stare at it for hours with all these images that everyone sees. Do you know we all see something different? Although you and one other who wants to remain anonymous both saw a squirrel. Awesome. But not what I saw. Tomorrow night is the BIG REVEAL! I’m sure you’re all hanging off the cliff by your pinkies.
I love that you love reading HGM. Please stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I believe the tree picture showed a screamer…at least that’s how I saw it. We are all on our own paths, and on mine I’m internally screaming lately quite a bit.
I like the stages of competence…so relatable to many things in life. In the marathon of divorce I’m on about mile 13, after 5 years…it’s slow going. It seems everything after divorce relates to the divorce. Boo. Then you get two divorcees together and sha-blam!….you have to modify your pace to run a different race.
Yes, I know you have told me walk my own path and let him walk his, just hold hands. We try. When blending families, it’s tough stuff. We are more likely at the consciously incompetent stage, but I’ll do my best to be patient and try to live in the now.
T,
I imagine you are excelling at this marathon but expect more of yourself. I love you just as you are. Continue to live in the now and the screams will turn to purrs. Love them as screams and watch them transform.
We see what we need to see, no?
Interesting thing about living in the now…patience is a natural byproduct. How’s that for
killing two birds with one stonegetting a two-fer?Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you so much for sharing your journey through this blog. I am inspired by your connection to nature and love that you incorporate this into your ever evolving story. Your connection to the earth and the elements reminds me that I too can find comfort, insight, wisdom and beauty just by looking around and making myself available to experience encounters. I have laughed at your humor and cried at your poignancy and I can relate to nearly all of your experiences on a very human level. My husband too shocked me beyond belief when his infidelity was finally exposed. This was years ago, but I can see that I still have more healing to do. And, thanks to your blog, am finally motivated to look at myself and stop judging. Judging him, judging her, judging me. I may not be able to put my own journey into such beautiful words as yours, but I am looking forward to experiencing it. All of it. Thanks, Cleo. I, a total and complete stranger, appreciate your help. And I’m even working on loving myself.
L,
I am so grateful for your kind words, your open heart, and your understanding of the power of Nature. I feel rescued by Nature. Sure, I’ve always appreciated the beauty of the blue marble, but I have not until this point in my journey become so tuned in to what she provides to all of us.
When I take the time to sit with Nature I am routinely blown away by what she unveils for me. Being out on the earth is the most healing experience. I am VERY excited to be in her waters this week. She’s drawing me in to every nook and cranny, and with each step I take a shed a fear, loosen my grip, and ground myself in my body, without losing the beauty of living partly in the outer limits.
I’m hopeful that you will continue to share your thoughts with us here at HGM. I sense big shifts for you and am very interested in what you find. Again, thank you for kind words. I am really touched.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Driving home today listening to the radio I heard Kelly Clarksons “stronger” I totally thought of you.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn’t mean I’m over cause you’re gone”
Fight on, girl
~Laura
L,
Great song. Wish I had her voice. Although, let it be known, I pretend I do have her voice when I’m alone in the car. In a big way.
Thank you for thinking of me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dude, You have already run a marathon. (Male reference intended!) The butt call was what marathon runners call “hitting the wall;” you feel like you can’t go a step farther, but you do. Lady, you’ve come a long way in a short time. (Female reference intended!) Keep it up. You’re on an amazing journey and inspiring many of us for a lot of different reasons and in many ways! We’re all on different journeys and it’s about channeling the energy each day, each moment.
E,
I laughed from the gut when I read, Dude. Dude is such a great word. I will be 80 and I will still call people, men and women, dude.
I believe I will know that wall again when I swim from Alcatraz to Chrissy Field, if not this week when I start my training. I will love the wall and then I will barrel through it. Onward, ho! Dude.
Thank you for your kind words. I feel such great energy in them! I am so grateful to have you here and to be on this journey with all of you. It’s such a gift. Every day when I am out on the planet I send thanks to the Universe for each and every one of you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Actually Glorious Metamorphosis is more like it!
I have been following your blog for months – having read non-stop to catch up after my husband sent me your link.
As I read it, I am moved by your journey, but from afar…as I would watch Cirque du Soleil acrobats with awe, knowing full well that I could never perform those feats, I watch your growth with awe, doubting that I could ever perform the feats you are performing every day. I admire you tremendously and am grateful that you share your journey with us all.
As for the name, I like HGM, but maybe it means How “His Giant Mistake” led to “Her Great Metamorphosis”.
Sending (and receiving!) love and light,
Amy
A,
I love that your husband shared HGM with you. That certainly speaks to the type of man he is.
Thank you for your words of praise. I look at what I am doing and I feel that I am simply living it. I’m intuitively going where I feel my soul needs me to go. I am proud that I have fallen back in love with myself, which provides me with a strong foundation from which I can leap and take risks. Something tells me you can leap with the best of them.
I appreciate and savor your admiration. Your words make me pause and give thanks for the opportunity to transform myself. I could have died without taking the opportunity to do so. So very grateful. Stay close and thank him for me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
While I’d not wish the pain and suffering you’ve endured on anyone, I submit that your pain and suffering is what brings you to this moment. And here is where you need to be, as you peel back the layers as one peels an onion, and you share without artifice your journey. I thank you for that. I’m learning much through your experiences, and I’m very grateful for your sharing.
As a community of humans on a journey we all have something to contribute. Girl, you’re working overtime. Go take a hike.
Bises y bises!
D,
I’m grateful to have you here. I do feel, today, like I have been working overtime. I’ve been tossed around a bit, by my own doing, and am aiming to upright myself. This experience never ceases to amaze me. I never knew my onion had so many layers. Some I have peeled (shredded) off in my first fall in many months. Smarting from the wounds. I take it as a sign that I need to be focusing more on myself than I have these past few days.
This pain and suffering, much like what I experienced when my Dad died, will make me the woman I aim to become. So I am grateful for it. And will continue to work within it to learn, grow and love again. For now I will love myself…and all of you. And my throbbing left hand.
Love yourself,
Cleo