There just seems to be so much peer pressure to divorce these days. It’s everywhere. Either you’re doing it, you’re talking about doing it, talking about someone else doing it or helping someone through it. I’d let an arachnid crawl on my body (likely restricted to the pinkie toe on my right foot, but even that’s a huge deal) if you haven’t had a conversation that included a mention of divorce in the last month. I bet it was this morning. It’s as if talking about divorce is the equivalent of sneezing directly into the open mouth of another person. One by one, it’s infecting us all.
It would be fascinating to have a “Divorce with Zero Consequences Day”, where any married couple could divorce in 1 day and not lose any assets. Or, put another way, no financial gain or loss to either party. You will continue to live as you do, within the exact same means, your kids will still screw up like all kids do, but now you do it alone. Best of all, it would cost nothing.
How many people would look across the breakfast table at their spouse and say,” Who could pass up that offer?”
If 50% of marriages end in divorce then it’s a 50-50 shot you’re gonna pick the right potential partner. But even if you do pick the right partner, you have to actually figure out how to do marriage. That’s at best a 50-50 shot. I suck at math, so I can’t accurately calculate how together those two statistics equate to bad odds, but I’m guessing the odds for a successful marriage are as slim as Nicole Kidman in full body Spanx.
When you look at the divorce rate of 50% keep in mind that those are the couples that actually go through the wretched burden of getting a divorce. It doesn’t take into consideration those couples that are massively miserable but still together. They fall into the 50% that are married. Miserable, but still married.
For the last month I have been taking an unofficial poll of the women that I know well or just connect with randomly about whether or not they are happy in their marriage. They were all women, so not exactly a cross-section. (It’s probably dicey for me to be walking around asking married men if they are happy in their relationship. I am fairly certain that line of questioning would be misconstrued.) I tallied 14 responses over the course of 4 weeks.
So, what do you think the results were? 50-50? One-third not happy? One-third happy?
Try NONE happy. Not one. A super-sized zero. Some shrugged and talked about the challenges of keeping a relationship alive and well while raising children, others mentioned the strains that the economy has placed on the relationship, and others said they simply share the same roof. Not the same bed. The same roof. Their relationship died long ago, but why dig up the corpse? They don’t talk much, just logistical stuff. They aren’t interested in each other anymore. Sex? Yea, no. They don’t even argue anymore. That’s the quiet before the storm. And while most seemed bothered by it, or saddened as they shared, no one had a plan to change it.
It was as if it’s a forgone conclusion that eventually your happy marriage becomes just palatable. Tolerable. Survivable.
Had I approached me and had the same conversation I would not be eliminating the possibility of a shutout. I wasn’t happy, and like the women I spoke with, I didn’t know how to fix it. I had plenty of issues to point to like The Genius’ insane travel schedule, my independent streak, our communication challenges, or the frenetic pace of life in general to explain away our troubles. But those are nothing more than excuses.
Somewhere along the way we stopped making each other a priority. I was far too good of a soloist, making it easy for The Genius to focus on himself, a very comfortable role for him to play. And then we let it ride for 16 years. Making a few poorly executed attempts to improve our relationship over the course of that time. We even went to a counselor. Twice. Before The Genius went on the road for 8 weeks.
We never had momentum on our side.
Somehow we went from being what I thought was a great match to betrayal to divorce. How did I stand by and let that train wreck through? I’m a pretty smart girl. I nurture and listen to my intuition. I have great intentions. I loved him. I wanted to be married until death parted us, but my preference was that we would go together, holding hands. I was going the distance.
As I’ve said before, my soul must really need to learn something, and my marriage to The Genius was going to be part of the curriculum.
So did I pick the right person or the wrong person to marry? The Genius was the perfect person to marry.
I’m not 100% sure why, yet. That’s a big part of what I need to come to understand. But I have learned this: We humans suck at relationships. We are bad at it. For all the attention paid to them, all the experts who study them, all of the days upon days we invest in them, we haven’t figured them out. We make the same mistakes over and over, even though the pain of heartache should be enough of a Pavlovian kick in the ass to solve this riddle once and for all.
I want to be part of the solution.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I am afraid that what you say is all too true, that most marriages are not happy and a good deal of that 50% that are together are together and miserable. But if you include me in your informal poll, then you have one check mark on the happy side. It somehow feels not right to expound on my marital happiness when you are going through a divorce. But since you brought it up…….
I’ve been married 10 years next month and of course every moment has not been happy and laced with butterflies. We have our good waves and not so good waves, we fight and we argue. But ultimately we just work on a very primal level, we can go through the ups and downs of life truly having each other’s back and when we differ we can do it without killing off little pieces of each other.
I will say though that if my husband falls into a type, it is one that is vastly different from other men I’ve been in relationships with. I married against my classic type of man and decided that what he was on paper was totally inconsequential. I married at 36 and in the few years before we met I spent a lot of time really thinking about and deciding what I needed from a relationship and those things were a lot different than the men I had met, dated and been in relationships with my entire adult life. My husband and I just work, I don’t know why, it just is. We fit. We look out for each other, we still can laugh hysterically and he still looks good to me ten years on.
Stopping now.
xoxox
D
D,
It is so very right to tell us how your marriage works, how it fulfills you and makes you happy. We need role models!
I am grateful that I can witness a couple embrace, hold hands, laugh, kiss and walk through the world as one without being sad, jealous, or angry. I applaud them. I am genuinely happy for them. I aspire to one day be one part of a two-some that works.
Your words are a road map for me. In order to get where you are I must take the time to understand what I want out of a relationship. What I need. What I can offer. And what I cannot accept.
This sentence is epic for me (Italics added by me.): “But ultimately we just work on a very primal level, we can go through the ups and downs of life truly having each others back and when we differ we can do it without killing off little pieces of each other.”
A primal connection where both people want what is best for the other, and when they have a moment they deal with it respectfully. The Genius had no problem killing off little pieces of me. I’m busy resuscitating them.
Love yourself,
Cleo
This was the most intimate post – like you wrote this for me and sent it directly to my in-box so that I might have a bit more strength and conviction to help take the next step. I’m in an unhappy marriage at 30 years old with no children and because of that, I feel like my decision is easier which doesn’t make me feel better. Almost as if, I have less to loose, I have less to stay for but feel like a failure for having to let go before life even got too complicated.
And yet here you are, like an angel, talking about happiness and daring me to imagine – “if divorce were free”… and I feel something, a glimmer of hope that maybe it’s ok to fail at my young marriage, maybe it’s ok to choose my own happiness over the communal happiness that may never come with a disturbed alcoholic husband. The only emotion greater than fear, is hope.
I have been reading from the beginning. Learning with you silently for a long time and I think today you helped me grow a pair of balls.
Trying to love myself,
Exit Strategy…
ES,
After reading your comment I felt the urge to find a babysitter, ask you where you live, and get to you post haste for a deep hug. I’d look into your eyes and tell you that you are NOT a failure. But you have a responsibility to stand up for yourself, to not let another take advantage of the beautiful soul you are. We’d hug, laugh, cry and feel ourselves bloom with possibility. People would see us and think, They are so happy. Can you imagine it? In the midst of our individual strife, people would see the joy spilling forth from our beings.
After reflecting on your words, I feel that divorcing a spouse when you have had children may be easier than without having had children. I am not a ship lost at sea alone, but one that is being escorted back to shore by two little tug boats. That said, you are not lost at sea either. You have the support of the one being that matters most – your self. And then factor in the thousands here that will read your comment and want to reach out to you, embrace you, and love you. Pretty awesome.
“…it’s ok to choose my own happiness over the communal happiness that may never come with a disturbed alcoholic husband.” Yes, it is, m’lady. Choose to be happy (this is not being selfish or a narcissist), and safe – emotionally and physically. By making that choice you are not trying to love yourself. You are loving yourself.
Those balls look fantastic on you. Stay close, write as often as you need to, and know that you have the support of the entire Universe behind you. This is your moment to shine. We’ll all put on our shades to witness your brilliance.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have been reading and enjoying your site, Cleo. I wanted to join the first poster and add my name to the happily married column. It also hasn’t always been sunny for us, but we are still in love after 13 years (anniversay was just yesterday!) and we have 4 great kids. I was reflecting on how thankful I was to have a man I can still make out with at the beach like we did at the beginning and who loves my 46.year old self more than he did when we first married. I also have a number of friends who are happily married, so we are out there. Wishing you all the best in your journey…your boys are blessed to have you for their mom.
Z,
It grounds me to read your words. Your children are blessed to have a positive example of a loving union. I am sad to know that I wasn’t able to achieve that for my boys. But I embrace the opportunity to show them how to flow through emotional hardship with grace and optimism.
Maybe one day I will be part of one of those happy unions you celebrate. For now, I celebrate your anniversary and you!
Love yourself,
Cleo
We read Jane Austen in high school, and even the darker Bronte sisters wrote romantic love–deep, passionate, consuming. I wonder how much of our culture comes into play, how we are raised, what we are told contributes to divorce. After all, almost all fairy tales end at the prince and princess kissing, Mr. Rochester got Jane back but Charlotte did not show they worked out Mr. Rochester’s obsessiveness, or how Mr. Darcy found it acceptable to have the in-laws he had. There is no discussion about how it takes hard work, real gut wrenching work, and for BOTH the prince and princess to want it to make a marriage work.
I’ve been married 12 years. Together, DH and I grew together into our marriage. The growth was not easy, not picture perfect, and sometimes, it seemed easier to say saynora–it shouldn’t be this hard.
I wish it was not so easy to get married–then people would think harder before they commit, only to end f8cking it up. We (DH and I) make mistakes, we make allowances, and we forgive. Although DH can be totally clueless sometimes (as I am sure I have my moments), he has never crossed the line that the Genius had crossed. Cheating to me is the point of no return. I wondered, Cleo, if you were to correct the mis-steps both you and the Genius made in your marriage, whether he would not have cheated or do you think that it would just have merely prolonged the inevitable? I don’t know the Genius but if I were to hazard a guess, the cheating would have happened no matter what you did because men like the Genius are perpetually locked in the adolescent years.
G,
Sad to say, but the cheating would have happened regardless. It’s the karmic pattern of The Family Genius. Of course, lying beds down with cheating, so I was not clued in to the mess I was about to submerge myself in. Dr. E., yes he’s still alive and well and refusing to move to Marin, says that while he doesn’t consider The Genius to have a narcissistic personality disorder, he has narcissistic tendencies and is stuck in the 6th grade. Basically, it was destined to happen. I’m comfortable with that. It feels right that my growth happens after the fact not with him. He was never the one that was going to join me in my finest hour.
The fairytale…chiseled cheeks, stallion, tower, damsel, obstacles are so freaking easy to remove…it’s time we stop eating the buttercream frosting. I really do think it’s a problem. Now, do I have an issue with Jane Austen? No. I have an issue with Disney. Sorry, but the little mouse has gone off the deep end. We’ve got to stop crafting this dreamy crap. I’m not suggesting that we make 9-year-olds watch Heathers, 8 Mile and Apocalypse Now and say, “That’s life, kid. Get ready to rumble.” But I can say from my own experience that I bought into the look and feel, the magical connection, the emotional glitter. I should have been looking on a deeper level.
I need to go deeper.
Love yourself,
Cleo
This is true. One of my apartment managers told me she had a private DEADLINE in mind for her marriage…as in, if things weren’t significantly better in 1 year, she had to pull up stakes and move forward, lest she sacrifice too much for a losing cause.
And personally, I know I was miserable for a long time in my marriage(s) before I said the D-word. My tolerance for bullshit is crazy low…many people stay in that limbo for decades. Divorce Amnesty Day would be a record breaker, for sure.
DL,
A record breaker, for sure is right. What’s sad about it is that many of those marriages that would be snuffed out on Divorce Amnesty Day could be amazing relationships. If only we knew how to relate better.
I wonder if a deadline issued calmly to her spouse, along with constructive ways to grow the relationship might have given them a fighting chance? But as I’ve said before, life is school. We don’t know when or where our best learning occurs. It may be when everything is clicking along fabulously or when someone presses the button and blows the thing sky high. Things, relationships, businesses all need to fail in order for us to learn the big lessons, I feel.
When I was in the business world I used to say that I pondered the failures for weeks, years in some cases and I celebrated the successes over a steak dinner, moving on the next day. I definitely have to own my successes more, and not judge an outcome as a failure. And now I know that deep growth comes in both cases.
You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Happily married here ….. going on 12 years now. 2nd marriages each and that is what has made all the difference. We learned how NOT to do it the first time around.
K,
I wonder if I will be able to learn how NOT to do it. I really question that.
But that won’t stop me from celebrating you and your successful marriage. As a matter of fact, this weekend I am going to toast to everyone who has pulled it off, and hope that your lessons learned will become known to me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I chanced upon this blog while reading SFGate today. Thank you for sharing your story, Cleo. I hope that things do get a little easier for you overtime. I’ve gotten inspiration from your writing about the courage to find happiness beyond what’s transpired. I myself am going through a divorce after my husband told me he doesn’t love me anymore about 2 months ago, the day after I turned 34. We’re still on good terms but I sometimes struggle to understand why he wanted a divorce and why he would refuse to seek counseling to see if we could make it work (he said there’s no other woman involved). He told me he’s been unhappy about our 13-year relationship for the last 2 years and he’s thought long and hard before he told me. Guilt plagues me sometimes — could I have done more to avoid this? Other times I wonder if this is fair — I had two weeks to ponder it before he petitioned for a divorce, while he had 2 years to think about it. Of course, we’ve had our ups and downs, many of which echo the problems you have noted in your blog, but it still saddens me to think that the last 13 years just got tossed away because he felt there were too many issues that added up over the years. In the end it takes two to make it work, and I realize I have to move on and let the bygones be bygones. Hopefully I can find peace and happiness when the dust settles.
L,
It’s such a challenge for me to not judge your husband. He had two years to think about it? If he spent two years thinking about divorce then the divorce process started two years ago. He should have been taking that time to TALK (it’s this novel freaking thing involving a mouth, a heart and a mind…breath, Cleo, breath…) through this, to embrace the opportunity to GROW and LEARN.
L, go with me on this one: You create your own reality. Your soul doesn’t judge it as good, bad, happy or hurtful. So, kiss the feelings of guilt and put them in my balloon. We’ll wave goodbye to them as they sail over the western Marin hills. We’ll hug, probably sip a vino and nibble on cheese and marvel at the beauty all around us. We’ll shake our heads at the decisions made by those around us, but withhold judgment. Instead, we’ll be grateful for the opportunity to grow and love. And then we’ll fall on the sand in fits of laughter because we’ll know deep down that our journey is unfolding exactly as we planned.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I feel compelled to weigh in here. I’ve been married 34 years. If you ask me if I am happily married, I will tell you resoundingly, yes. But there were certainly times in my marriage that I would have answered absolutely, no. And I don’t mean days. I mean years. I am neither martyr nor fool and I don’t necessarily subscribe to the “marriage is hard work theory,” either. We aren’t happily married because we worked at it any harder than anyone else. You can work tirelessly at any ttask and still have it not turn out the way you want. The work is to hang onto what’s good and hang through what’s not, not to make it perfect. I took vows and I meant them, but I never vowed to stay if I was miserable and he was, too. We were just lucky enough to feel that miserable only occasionally and never long enough that the alternative looked better.
We’re happily married because we are mostly compatible, share the same basic values, and we have been lucky that the challenges we’ve faced thus far have come when at least one of us was strong enough to face them. If we both were, all the better. If neither of us had been, we’d probably be divorced.
He’s not easygoing, and neither am I. There is and has been major conflict between us, but there is and has been real support and healthy respect as well. I am monogamous by nature and conviction. So is he. I can tell you without the slightest doubt that infidelity by either of us would end this union. Immediately. I truly believe that people who cheat on their spouses are self-indulgent cowards. I don’t care if you discover the love of your life while married to somebody you kinda like (or dislike, for that matter). Own up that you need out and end the marriage BEFORE you take up with the other one. Whatever pain is inflicted by the break-up is a fraction of what is caused by the betrayal. By the way, unhappy marriages don’t cause infidelity. That’s another self-indulgent, cowardly myth. Being “open” to a relationship outside marriage might be a tip-off that all is not well, but it is not a justification to cheat. So take the hint, get help if there’s reason to save it, or get out if there’s not, but don’t lie to yourself, or anyone else. People cheat because the other person has something they want, not because their spouse doesn’t. It’s an important distinction.
At the end of the day, I’d rather face life’s challenges with him in my life than without him. And for those weighed down with kids and jobs and bills and life, from the perspective of one who’s put most of that behind: “It gets better.” There are good times ahead. And enjoy the moments until then.
B,
“I don’t care if you discover the love of your life while married to somebody you kinda like (or dislike, for that matter). Own up that you need out and end the marriage BEFORE you take up with the other one. Whatever pain is inflicted by the break-up is a fraction of what is caused by the betrayal.”
This needs to be on a billboard. All I have to say is, Thank you. Your ease with the trials and tribulations of a committed partnership is such a good example for me. Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Happily married for 10 years. Might have to do with the fact that we married for the first time in our mid-30′s. I spent my 20′s and early 30′s floating around Mill Valley finding myself. I’m happy with myself, my kids, and my hubby. I love your writing and am enjoying reading about your experience and the experiences of others. Sending peace to all.
LP
L,
I love imagining you floating around Mill Valley! Floating is sublime. So is Joe’s Taco Lounge. Mmmmmmm….
Thank you for the kind words and the peace. Right back to you…on a cloud.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hello there: I found your informal poll depressing and had to write in. I’ve been married close to 19 years, and we have 2 kids. We’re very happy. We have been through our share of ups and downs, but mostly it’s been fun. I can’t imagine not being married, and not being married to my spouse. And I have to say the vast majority of my friends are the same. Of COURSE we all have some issues. But really would our lives be hunky-dory if we were single? Are my divorced friends and acquaintances having a ball out there? Not really. The divorce rate actually peaked at 50 percent a couple decades ago and has fallen since.
I do think you hear more in this society from those who are unhappy: on TV, on endless columns devoted to marriage issues, and what have you. Those of us who are happy feel like freaks, feel uncomfortable about talking about it too much (feels like we’re gloating), or feel like we sound naive if we say…”you know what?…we have a a good thing going here”. At the risk of going out on a limb, perhaps we’re unrealistic about what we expect from a marriage and the person we’re married to? I’m not sure all the over-analyzing introspection, the industry of marriage counselors and all the other marriage paraphernalia we have make marriage itself any better. Any more than having lots of baby gear and a whole child-rearing industry makes us better parents. You mostly learn to be a good parent by being committed to parenting and working on it. I don’t know that a marriage is that different. I know I sound like grandma, but I promise you I’m not
, I’m younger than you are.
None of this, clearly, applies to you. Genius was a prize jackass and I’m glad you have your life and yourself back. However, the vast majority of marriages fall apart simply because people grow apart. There’s no clear villain.
A,
Two blonds are sitting on a hill looking at the moon. One blond says to the other, “Which do you think is closer? Florida or the moon?” The other replies, “You can see the moon, silly.”
I had to do something to make amends for making you feel depressed!
“However, the vast majority of marriages fall apart simply because people grow apart.” Yes, but isn’t it our responsibility to recognize that shift and do something about it? Is the villain complacency?
By now you know that I believe we craft our own journey here on the Blue Marble. Given that, I believe that some journeys are meant to be happy-go-lucky and others are meant to be massive, deep explorations of pain and joy. Neither bests the other.
Your comment about high expectations really resonates with me. I wonder if I have high expectations so that I create a scenario where they aren’t met, because I don’t deserve to have them met. I feel that I have a more balanced sense of self-worth than that, but it needs to be pondered.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I value your words.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Take care of yourself ! Your latest Easter post was sad, but really, maybe feeling nothing for him is a step forward. At least he does not take up as much emotional bandwidth…
A,
I felt sad writing it, but I felt so light when I was finished. Sometimes I feel like a ping pong ball. At first it was immensely unsettling to be batted around, but now I’m finding a rhythm to it and I like it.
Thank you for your kind words, for taking the time to write and for your support.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I think you will learn how NOT to do it. It will come. I had ridiculous expectations of myself and my ex husband when we married. I had ‘visions’ and ‘ideas’ of how the marriage thing was supposed to work — mostly from my grandparents, who raised me. It worked for them but they were from another era. My grandfather was also a wonderful man and not a human sloth who hid in his office basement 24/7. No, I didn’t vet my ex, either — were married less than a year of meeting and got pregnant the week after the honeymoon. He was pretty until he opened his mouth. Yikes.
One of the biggest mistakes I made was acting as his caretaker .. doing his laundry, cleaning the house, making dinner every night — all while working full time. He worked at home, yet I was doing all the work there. He came to expect dinner on the table at the same time every night, even after we had two kids 18 months apart, because that’s what I had been doing. It sounds small but it was a very big and damaging thing, those expectations.
When I remarried the year after my divorce, it was to someone I’d been friends with already. He knew me as me, not as the chameleon I was so used to becoming when I dated someone (and I think I may have dated half the eastern seaboard before my first marriage). Oh, you like classical music? Well then I do too. You like golf? I like golf. Puhleeeeease. But when I remarried, I knew what I would and would not tolerate and how I wanted it to work — because I had lived through what did NOT work. From leaving him alone to take care of himself to arguing without being cruel … these are things that I learned from my first marriage and applied to this one.
You will do it. It just takes time.
K,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, K.
“He knew me as me, not as the chameleon I was so used to becoming when I dated someone…” I’ve had this tendency, too. Be the easy one. Make everyone around me comfortable. I CANNOT let that happen anymore. I absolutely must stay on my path. And I am counting on you and everyone else here to help me pull that off.
If I start telling you how much I love extreme martial arts you better come find me. Fast. And lock me up.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
I just want to write and let you know that had you polled me I would have been on the happy side. My husband Ken and I will be married 10 years in July. We met online after both having been widowed. I think a big part of our ability to communicate is the fact that neither of us holds grudges. We decided a long time ago during our marital counseling we would not allow the sun to go down on our wrathe. We also both nursed spouses dying of cancer and we both didn’t get married the (first) time till later in life. We both WANTED to be happily married for years. I first married at 33 and he first married at 38. We both lost our spouses 2 yrs later and thought, well, this is it, I wanted it so bad and then only had it for 2 yrs.
I think that widowhood may have made us appreciate each other more. We married at 38 & 42, had a baby 9 months later and are still madly in love.
We also really try look out for the interests of one another. Both our parents have been married for over 50 yrs so we knew that divorce was never an option before we married. But the key ingredient has to be Christ. We both trusted in Him years ago and want to live a life pleasing to Him. I will say that we both felt loved growing up so we don’t need to stray. we are content in each other and also know God loves us. We weren’t broken needing fixing when we married. I don’t know if your husband was broken but I will say that a lot of times that one strays is because they have it in their head that “those tingles” experienced only early in relationships give them a rush and they for some reason think they need that rush.
See, love is a choice. Some days I don’t “feel” in love w/ my husband cuz he is doing something to annoy me, but I choose to always love him and most of the time I just do…. cuz he still just sends me.
I think we both learned the love being a choice when our spouses were dying. My husband had brain cancer and was no longer mentally the man I married, but for better for worse thing…it was a commitment I made.
blessings, Sheila
S,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I can’t imagine the pain that you must have experienced losing your first husband. I imagine you are grateful for every healthy moment you have on the Blue Marble.
“I will say that we both felt loved growing up so we don’t need to stray…” I have stopped trying to understand why The Genius would embark on a double life, but this comment has caused me to pause and ponder.
I’m so happy that you made the choice to love again.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I’ve been married for 6 years but have been with my husband for a total of 13 years (high school sweethearts). Marriage is not a “happily ever after”. It is an entity that needs nourishment, love, and a chance to grow and change. It is NOT always a happy place but it shouldn’t be. My husband has seen the worst of me and has stuck around. He has held me up (heck, carried me) when I was battling depression. And he certainly didn’t have to (especially being in college). He has never expect anything from me. He just wants me for who I am. He isn’t the easiest person to be with either. He can close himself off and sometimes I feel I am raising 3 boys instead of the 2 we have.
Through the peaks and valleys we face it together and I wouldn’t want it any other way!
I am big on marriage (really 2 people can work on a marriage) but that means both people need to work on it and want to make for the better. Not a one sided losing match. When I first started reading I almost felt that you were willing to make it work. And when the 4 years was shed to light I thought there was no way in heck I could mend my own marriage from that. I hope your journey helps you heal!
Love,
Happy (a neighbor in Solano County!)
H,
Your take on me in the early post Pocket Call days is spot on. I was going to try and give it a go, until I realized that even though he said he was finished lying he was still lying. Kinda can’t move through that one. Because, where does it end? It doesn’t. The lies will continue, but I don’t have to let them affect me anymore. Trick is to figure out how to notlet them affect me.
Thank you for taking the time to read HGM, to comment, and for your support. It helps to have a cheering squad. I am so very grateful.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I was married for 7 years, he decided he could no longer be my knight in shining armor (my words, not his), he therefore checked out. My ex had a number of “affairs” over the space of 3 years. I did not believe in divorce, to me divorce was failure and a weakness and I was not having any part of it. 7 Years later, I love the woman I have become. I intensely dislike the unsure woman I was while married to DA (Dumb Ass).
Do I regret my marriage? NO, not at all. I do however regret the lies and broken promises made by him to me. I regret not having pushed for definitive answers while having a serious discussion. I regret allowing him to railroad me while trying to work things out. But, I have learnt who I am, I have learnt to love me and love my live. Now, I spend the day smiling, even when I feel like I am a failure. I remember my what live is about, Living, Laughing and Loving life.
Live, laugh, love life.
Heidi.
PS, You rock!!!
H,
Whoa. I see so much of me in this: “I regret not having pushed for definitive answers while having a serious discussion.” I am still struggling with this. So many squandered opportunities for growth. And it’s so subtle. Someone says something that strikes me as not okay and I let it slide. I have to STOP letting it slide. Doesn’t mean I have to become a bear and attack, but – as I did with Mr. Jackpot on Stinson Beach – I can gently query. State my issue with a particular comment or exchange gently and with compassion for myself and the person with whom I am interacting. H, you rock! Thank you for sharing this.
Love yourself,
Cleo