I pictured the morning of the divorce meeting, the first time in months The Genius and I would participate in a substantive conversation. I imagined feeling the antithesis of butterflies – big, black, shiny snakes rolling around in my belly, packed tight but determined to move.
Writing the night before was really helpful. It helped to imbed the wisdom showered upon me the week leading up the meeting in my core. As I barely moved on the 101, surely to arrive late, I was pretty relaxed. Paying attention to the stuff that really matters paid off. It reduced the meeting to what it was; two hours of progress on ending a marriage that needs to end. Sure, there’s going to be pushing and shoving, but so what. It is going to end. Eventually.
So there we sat, our attorneys, The Genius and me. In a conference room in Marin. Where I was the only person who had a dead on view of the east peak of Mt. Tam based on the seat left to me when I arrived. The only thing missing was a plane trailing a banner that said, Meow.
It was fairly dull and predictable from the start, and I’m not certain much was accomplished as far as the settlement is concerned. But I did get some sage career advice, which helped to perk things up a bit. It was suggested that my book (described as a self-help book, because he knows, I guess) had no guarantee of being published and that instead, I should contribute to the bottom line by working at Starbucks or Whole Foods.
Truth be told, I’ve fantasized about working at Whole Foods. I’d love to learn all about the produce and how to pick the perfect fruits and vegetables or tend to the cheeses. That would be ideal. When I have the luxury of time and capital, I just might go work for a cheese maker. A perfect fit for my need to satiate all my senses.
But right now I’m busy fulfilling a dream. One that he believes should be swept aside in favor of minimum wage to fund child care. I’m going to chalk it up to anger. And keep my mouth shut, following the guidance of the bobcat: there is true power and strength through silence. I looked at Mt. Tam and felt completely safe. I no longer felt affected by his words, and I wasn’t chattering in my own head about what he was saying to me. It was my lawyer’s job to protect my interests, and it was my job to remain calm, cool and collected, but most importantly, to genuinely feel confident because my goal is simple: to do what is in the best interests of the children. Period. If it’s not in the best interests of the children it’s not happening.
Mt. Tam’s presence in the meeting again brought about these feelings of enhanced intuition. Not future-telling, but being able to read people on a level I’ve not experienced before. That’s been a short-coming of mine. Not only are encounters more fun as a result, but they are enlightening. So even the crappy ones become fascinating exercises in human interaction and soul surfing. The harvest from these encounters is plentiful.
I left the divorce meeting in great spirits. Not because I had claimed some victory in the settlement – there’s no victory to be had. But because I believed in myself. Believe in myself. I’ll write a kick ass book, take exceptional care of the boys, and have a lot of fun in the process. I have the most amazing people supporting me and cheering me on, I am determined to succeed, and for the first time in a long time I feel loved by everyone around me. No more is there a person so close, so in the inner circle who is deceiving me and surely not loving me.
I can’t recall a two week-ish period of time so ripe with guidance from all directions. Or ever feeling that my life was so laden with opportunity. Never before have I felt so equipped with the right tools to live in the moment and to succeed. Perhaps this was all available to me before, and I just didn’t have the ability to recognize it. Or, perhaps this is all coming together now because I’m ready for it. Or maybe it’s just because I’m now paying attention. I’m feeding the field that grows the signs that lead to the opportunities that create joy, abundance and fascinating encounters, my most favorite of all.
The boys and I launched into our weekend with gusto. In one 48 hour period I did something I’ve never been able to do before, something I never had the chance to do before, something I really want to do again, and created a lasting memory with 10 French Canadian hockey players at the Sand Dollar.
I’d love to tell you all about it.
But for now, I must say good night. I start my book tomorrow. I’ll be rising earlier than ever. I’m so excited for US! Thank you, kittens. Your support last week was rock solid. I’m so grateful and truly hope that we’re showing ways to move through the muck of betrayal and divorce with grace and humor, but also to seize it as an opportunity to soar.
I must go rest my wings.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Look at you, getting what you want and not diminishing anyone to get there! WTG! I’m ringing a virtual cowbell for you as you cross the start/finish line, heading into your Next Big Thing. Thank you, Cleo, for your lovely gifts. Keep on being the best you you can be.
M,
It’s bat crazy, right? Slowing down, expending less energy – physically, emotionally and mentally – and remaining quiet while observing is a magical tonic. What I love is that when I recognize an issue – like not believing in myself – it often takes only the recognition to shift it. Taking an honest look at myself moves so much out of the way, allowing for confidence to take root. It wasn’t all that long ago that his anger still made me feel like I did something wrong, that I was a spoiled princess.
Now I just shake my head, open my heart and focus on what is best for the children. Keeping it simple. And spicy.
M, you rock. Thank you for your support.
Love yourself,
Cleo
As the Saturday night skit with Christopher Walken and Will Farrell went…..More Cowbell, we can always use more Cowbell LOL !! in fact that was based on the song “Don’t fear the reaper” !! in your case, don’t fear The Genius !!
love you and go bust open the publishing world !!
C,
How they got through that skit without popping off a gonad I’ll never know. Brilliant. Like you. I shall go forth and seek my spot on the New York Times Bestseller list post haste!
Love yourself,
Cleo
“I did not take this picture”. I was rolling. Thanks – I needed a good laugh.
For me it would be the vitamin department
I don’t see self help at all but romance novel. Remember the 5 senses when you write – we want to see, hear, taste, smell and touch along with you. And don’t disregard self-publishing. It is quite the rage. If you need someone to edit (although I would love to) see Kate Perry author. http://www.kateperry.com/press/. just my two sense . . . she seems as quirky as you and you are practically neighbors . . .
A,
I had one foot in the health and body section, but a wedge of aged Gouda ripped my away.
Your words in this comment are sheer perfection. “Remember the 5 senses when you write – we want to see, hear, taste, smell and touch along with you.” Our senses are going to be mesmerized. I’ve got something cooking, m’lady, ad it smells amazing.
She went to Burning Man! And read while there! Love that. Thank you for the link.
You know…there are many ways to stroke a kitten…self-publish is likely the path I will opt for come January. Part of my self-reliant journey, I suppose. I’m ready for it!
A, You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
What a beautiful and hopeful post! I remember being right where you are. I remember sitting outside of the mediator’s office feeling like I was going to war (we were deciding my alimony settlement that day!). I even wore one of my Old Navy tee shirts that read “Peace” on it and wore my deceased grandmother’s St Jude necklace that she never took off! I wanted all my bases covered (I look at these things the way you looked at Mt Tam that day
And funny enough, he told me the SAME thing…go work at Whole Foods! I kid you not! And I did entertain the idea for awhile dreaming about all those discounted groceries. But then I stood my ground and told him that HIS decision to cheat did not give him the right to turn my world 180 degrees while his world stays relatively normal. Sure he has to now pay child support and alimony but for the most part, that’s about the only change (well that and moving his HDC into his house). For me, that was one of the hardest things to come to grips with…that he made a decision that I had no part of that affected my life way more than it affected his.
In the end, I have come to realize (after 4 years) that he really did me a favor and that I wouldn’t want his life that has stayed the same with just another woman injected into it. I have grown in ways that I could never had imagined and I totally get how liberating it is to realize that you won’t be living with someone who is lying or cheating or someone you have to beg to pay attention to you. At first I was scared to death to be alone without him but I found out real fast just how painful it was to live with someone and feel like you had to vie for his affection all the time–something I didn’t realize while I was IN it.
I wish I could have been as calm as you for my big meeting 4 year ago, but even with the tears and my pleading, I made out ok in the end (thanks also to a wonderful woman mediator whom HE chose and didn’t realize had also been through a divorce). I tell ya, us kittens stick together–even when we are supposed to remain impartial
N,
Your words serve as a beautiful reminder that nothing is ever as good or as bad as it seems.
“For me, that was one of the hardest things to come to grips with…that he made a decision that I had no part of that affected my life way more than it affected his.” I find this fascinating. That someone makes a decision that spins another life into a new orbit, one that is brighter and shinier and full of opportunity, even if at first it seems dark and dismal, leading only to a dead end. We have the power to transform our experiences into beautiful leaps along the path of life.
Just like in a novel, a disaster or conflict sets the stage for tremendous growth. I aim for growth, but hope my feet don’t take this as a sign to expand yet again. I’d like to stick with the size 11, thank you.
N, I’m grateful you took the time to share this with us. Betrayal can lead to magic. And you are magical.
Love yourself,
Cleo
wow. those words resonate with me this week. his life remains largely unchanged, and mine is unrecognizable- but maybe that’s okay.
L,
I’m going with unrecognizable being a good thing. Better than okay. You have discoveries ahead of you. That’s an exciting place to be.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Puurrrr….Buddha and the Dalai Lama have nothing on you…your calm collected-ness probably unnerved him is so many ways, and you didn’t even have to try. Well done.
Getting a minimum wage job just to pay for daycare and not see your kids when they come home from school is just ludicrous. Plus it puts some other person who needs the money and has the time out of a job.
T,
Thank you. With the support of all the kittens, I came to realize that there is nothing gained by fighting that which is happening. Let it roll, be fully present and respect yourself, and pay attention to the signs. They will guide me and urge me to stand up for myself when necessary. The divorce meeting was the cold water after a hard hike. We did the work together that prepared me for it in the weeks leading up to it. Interesting how by not fighting those feelings I had (nerves, self-doubt, paralysis) in the weeks leading up to the meeting moved them on through at just the right time, leaving me prepared and at peace when it mattered most.
So grateful for your support. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo you ROCK STAR! Don’t say that nothing much was accomplished — this meeting was a triumph of sanity and centeredness over selfishness, greed and stupidity. The Genius went through his usual playbook — attack you, try to make you feel inferior and incapable, and try to get you operating on emotion (negative emotion at that) in hopes of getting something out of it for himself, namely cutting down costs for himself. Though obviously he’s never priced full time kidcare for one child plus after school care for a second kid — that way exceeds what you could make at a minimum wage job, esp after taxes. And esp in Marin, where kidcare is at a premium. Hey, maybe it wasn’t even a ploy to save money, just a ploy to derail you, make you seem emotional, unwilling to work, hysterical, whatever feminine overreaction he thought he’d wreak, in front of the lawyers and mediator (who have all certainly seen it all anyway).
Or wait — maybe he’s just a colossal prick! Oh yeah, I think I pick that one.
Anyway, you were a superstar, a lioness among kittens, a bastion of sanity visiting Bedlam on a visitor’s pass. Hooray for you! I know that you and your lawyer will succeed in getting what’s best for your kids and for you out of this, especially since I’m confident that this was just one of what will be many superbly calm, cool and collected moments for you in this lousy process of getting un-coupled to a jerk. And you know We the Kittens (ROARRRR!) won’t let you forget that what’s best for your kids includes what allows you, the Divine Miss Cleo, to come away from this thing sane, with enough resources (of time, emotion and finance) to thrive in the future, and with as little future opportunity as possible for the Genius to ever jerk your chain again as is possible when he’s still your sons’ dad. Huge applause and purrs to you, and keep up the great work!
And as for your book — write on!
Phyllis
P,
I am the only puller of my chain. My chain is my chain. I’ll wear it, own it…and hope it matches my outfit.
Yes, much was accomplished for me as a being, as a woman. I learned a great deal in those two hours about how I’ve been used and manipulated over these last several years. This intuitive awakening is a gas. And couldn’t have arrived at a better time. I can see how his gyrations have nothing to do with me and everything to do with his life and the role I play in it, which I have since turned over to my understudy. Man, she has no idea….
P, have I told you lately how much I adore your words, the way you pull them together like giggling children, getting them to stand in a line so they can be read, and then I get to watch them disperse and make merry all over the screen? It’s magic. Thank you so very much for bringing your fabulous energy to HGM. You, m’lady, rock. In a very special way. Thank you for your kind words and loving support.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow… just wow. You are such an amazing and strong woman Cleo. Everytime I read a post of yours and think back on what you’ve been through I am so amazed at where you are in your healing and just how incredibly strong you are.
I am a long time reader of HGM and a first time poster. I found your blog a few months ago and like many, spent hours devouring every post.
When I found your blog I was looking for anything to help ease the pain that my husband’s affair had (and has) caused. It was 6 months ago that my husband finally confessed to having an affair which began 2 months before we were married and ended 4 months afterwards. Although he still kept speaking to her for another 5 months after that. I knew something wasn’t right when he was angry at me all the time and mean…. so mean. It wasn’t like him and I just didn’t understand.
I was absolutely devastated, just devastated. Could barely eat or move for a week. I have always heard people say they were “devastated” by something, but you never REALLY know what that means until you have been through devastation yourself. My brain and heart could literally not take in all the hurt. It was during this stage that I found your blog and I felt such a connection with your words because you felt that pain too. Everyone here has felt it – betrayal and the loss of trust and the feeling that the way that you look at the world will NEVER be the same again. And it hurts, you’ve lost a kind of innocence and the life you once had. I have been grieving that for 6 months now. My “anthem” right now is Wide Awake by Katy Perry. Don’t you just feel like in this whole situation you have woken up and now seem to see things you didn’t see before? I truly feel awake and know that state of mind will bring me beautiful and positive things, just like it has brought you.
On top of all this my version of the HDC is literally a pathalogical liar – would take me all day to list all the lies she has told. The biggest of which is that after my husband told her to hit the road she went on to her friend’s husband who left his wife for the HDC. This poor woman (the ex-friend of the HDC) – we have met and I hope we become friends – we will both need all the help we can get to move past this mess. Like seriously – what kind of person does this? And the best part is, she doesn’t think there is anything wrong with what she did. Just makes me sick to my stomach that this pathetic excuse for a woman is who my husband risked our marriage over…
Every day I wake up and check to see if you have posted something new, so I can have hope. I see the progress that you have made and believe that I can get there too. I am still with my husband, still asking myself why, but I am still here. He is incredibly apologetic and is doing whatever it takes to make it up to me. We have been together for 7 years (married just over 1) and I love him and I can’t imagine my life without him. On the other hand, I look at you and admire that you came out of your divorce meeting in great spirits and I wonder if I am still here because divorce is just so scary.
You give me the courage to consider all of my options Cleo. To seriously consider leaving my husband and restarting my life and to know that, while it is scary, it could be wonderful. I think once I am feeling better emotionally that I will be better able to make that decision.
You have made me stop and really think about who I am and what makes me happy. I think I’ve made great progress in figuring that out, but I still have a long way to go. I am making more time than ever before for me. I know that I need to really take care of myself to get through this.
So again – wow. You are an amazing woman for coming through this like you have and showing the class and strength that you have with The Genius. Thank you! And please do write that book – for everyone who is now “wide awake”.
V,
Thank you for such kind words. I am grateful that HGM is a source of strength for you and that the words I write and those of the kittens have helped you consider the path that is right for you. While reading your words I was reminded of the idea that we all play a role in the vignettes of those around us. Your husband is playing a role in your vignette. What’s he there to show you?
I am so happy to see that you are bravely exploring yourself and conscious of what you need to do before making any decisions. I’m confident that if you tend to your heart, come to understand your needs, and take the time necessary to build a relationship with yourself, the rest will become clear. You’ll know exactly what to ask for and you’ll create it for yourself.
I’m excited for you, V. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. Your words are very touching.
Love yourself,
Cleo
PS: Love Wide Awake!
Mt. Tam in your view. What a sign! I think karma is with you, as you took care of someone in need on that very mountain, and it has also been a spiritual connection for you and it is paying you back. It is eerie that you heard so many people tell you that you are an Angel, and to have the same place, in your view, give you a sense of calm is a big, big, BIG sign.
You are in the “grind” part of the divorce now; the division of assets, who pays what, the nitty gritty (gee, can I add any more cliches here? How about one game at a time? No, that’s not it; give me a moment
… Anyway, and not to make light of what must be a meeting that had the potential to weigh you down, buut how do you approach it? Looking forward. Look to your book and what is ahead of you rather than rehearsing the same old tired down words from someone who is in your rear view mirror. Good for you! I am inspired by your outlook and your approach. Keep it up and I am definitely in your corner!
Keep looking ahead!
LTMM
L!
So good to see you.
You found the perfect word! Eerie! Yes, that’s exactly how it felt. But now I understand why. Taking the time to get to the root of that was hugely transformational.
Thank you, L. Your optimistic words truly resonate with me. You, as always, rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
When I lived on the east coast and was betrayed by my love I was deep in depression…and for some reason wanted to run off to Vermont and learn how to make cheese for the summer! Sort of an ascetic pursuit where I could get out of town, satisfy my inner-martyr and not really die but disappear and maybe turn into someone cool and hip. None of our friends knew how to make cheese! Alas, I did not have the money to relocate and had to sling pizzas all summer until college started back up in the fall. So I had a good chuckle tonight reading about the cheeses. God you are funny! But could you consider dropping the cutesy use of ‘kittens’ ‘bat crazy’ and the seldom mentioned but equally bothersome ‘blue marble’? You are a fine writer and could come up with much better ways of expressing yourself I imagine! love you,tho. Best wishes
D,
I love you, too! And I will consider it with the exception of kittens. Because that is my most favorite term of endearment, and it is so apropos here. I’m taking your challenge, m’lady.
Romantic visions of creating sensual food will always dance in my head. If you still want to make cheese I know someone who is hiring!
Love yourself,
Cleo
There was a time before my ex married the other woman that I had an overwhelming urge to fill her in on what she was about to find out. But then I thought that someone who had been divorced twice before, and had an affair with a married man probably deserved what she got. Ten years later it looks like they are living the life I could have had. I really dodged a bullet. He never misses an opportunity to tell me how she feels about my alimony:)
D,
“He never misses an opportunity to tell me how she feels about my alimony:)” Kind of hard to justify complaining about something when you knew going in it was a part of the picture. It’s clear that taking responsibility for actions that result in a moral meltdown is a very uncomfortable thing for people to do.
While I have no interest in the HDC in the least, I am fascinated by the idea that some people believe true love can be born out of deceit. I’m not sure that’s possible. Too much denial to be healthy. Something to ponder. Thank you, D.
Love yourself,
Cleo