Happy Father’s Day to all the Dads, and the Moms who fulfill both roles. May your dreams for your children come true, and may you all know the deepest love imaginable. It’s starts within you. You’re all super stars in my eyes.
So, when I left you last I was remarking how I wasn’t ready to graduate yet. That I have classes I still want to take. Well, I also have classes I need to repeat, apparently.
Today went exactly as it was designed to unfold, just a little differently than I had hoped. But we all know that if we let go of the outcome the creation will exceed our expectations, right?
I’d searched and searched for plans for a clubhouse to build for my son’s birthday. I didn’t tell anyone about what I was working on. No reason to. I was capable of building it, and I wanted to do it for my son. Then I started to feel that it would be a meaningful thing for The Genius and I to give the clubhouse to both boys as a sort of joint birthday present (little dude’s birthday is in 6 weeks). And I didn’t want The Genius to feel left out. As I’ve said before, it’s important to me to somehow attempt a few ‘family’ experiences so the boys don’t think the entire unit vaporized.
Now is when you can step in and tell me what a fool I am. But, by the time you finish this post you may recant your words.
The Genius arrived this afternoon for a few hour visit with the boys. It was then that we were going to tell them about the clubhouse. I went to run an errand, and upon my return, my oldest son held up plans for a club house and said, Look, Mom!
I was floored. Really? You couldn’t wait until I was home? According to The Genius there was no big reveal, our son simply found the plans in his bag. (I later come to find that The Genius had put them on the table in plain view, but the deets aren’t important. At least I’m learning that part!)
Would have been nice had you insured that didn’t happen so that we could tell them together. And, this is not a small gift. This isn’t something you just whip out casually and say, Oh, yea…we’re gonna build a clubhouse. You make a big deal out of this one. It’s supposed to be memorable. It’s not like it’s a $10.00 gift card to iTunes.
I was mad. And was promptly told that nothing happened. That there was no discussion about the clubhouse. There was no big reveal in my absence. That I’m just creating an excuse so I don’t have to go to the pool with them and spend time with The Genius. That I’m being ridiculous.
My mistakes? Letting him know I was mad. Acting mad. I had a right to feel mad, but I could have just dealt with it on my own. I should have simply told The Genius that I was disappointed that I couldn’t be there to tell them about the clubhouse. I also never once called on my Observer Self during the 20 minutes it took for them to leave the house for the pool. I also never consciously centered myself. Had I done those two things alone I would have said this:
I’m disappointed that the boys saw the plans for the clubhouse without me here. I feel left out and let down. Bam. Done. Move on. All it takes is saying how I feel and the feelings dissipate. They don’t fester. They don’t linger. Man, I wish I had tuned in. It is so hard to do in the heat of the moment. I know now that when I am able to do that on a regular basis I will have arrived. Cue the music, pull out the taffeta down, shine up that tiara.
And also take note that when I stick to my boundaries and speak from the heart, my anger is transformed into disappointment. A much gentler emotion. A much more honest and vulnerable emotion.
The stuff I don’t need to say? This is typical, even if unintended (which is another word for unconscious in this respect), behavior. A person who takes into consideration others would have swooped in and snatched the papers out of his hands and diverted his attention, so that I could be there to tell them also. No matter what the circumstances, I am the one who is wrong. It’s never you. I am the one who creates the problem.
What kills me about this is that I DID CREATE IT! I should have just built the freaking club house as I had planned to do. But, I also further created it – and here’s where the optimist in me comes out – because I still need practice at centering and calling on my Observer Self. So, what better way to practice than to create a situation like clubhouse-gate? Without these experiences I would not grow.
Say it with me kittens, This isn’t about The Genius. This is about me being able to stick to my boundaries in whatever scenario presented to me. That I will always come from the heart. And that my words will always be genuine and true. Had I centered on my boundaries before reacting with anger I would have honored myself in my response. And, in doing so, I would have grown a little more. Matured a little more. Been more graceful. More loving to myself. And to those around me, whomever they may be.
I learned something huge today. I may not understand how all solid things are made up of moving molecules. And I can’t cocktail-talk on the String Theory (which up until only recently I was calling the String Cheese Theory). Don’t even get me started on Curling. Sticks, round discs, ice, people standing around…it’s shuffleboard for those in cold climates. I don’t know one rule or one objective. But I do know this – I am consciously incompetent in calling on my Observer Self and centering when dealing with a difficult situation involving The Genius.
Which means that unconsciously competent is right around the corner.
I know I can rely upon you to let me in on the secret when I get there.
Father’s Day did not go as planned. It’s not the end of the world. Or the beginning of the next. I haven’t fallen into a black hole, but if I did at least then I could tell you what it is. My day wasn’t ruined. In fact, I learned a great deal. This was an encounter. An opportunity to explore new ways of being. I need a do-over on some, and others I aced.
Onward and upward…
Slow and steady wins the race…
Perhaps Land, ho! would be more apropos for this coming week…
Love yourself,
Cleo
When I read this latest post I actually smiled in recognition. Maybe a sad smile.
I had wrote to you once before about making boundaries during a divorce. This is one of those lessons I am afraid we all have to learn during divorce with a man.
Men like glory, they like to be the hero especially in the eyes of their sons. They can’t even help it, they are genetically predisposed to it! What happened with club house drama wasn’t an accident. No matter how innocent THE GENIUS tries to pretend he was in the situation. I am sorry to disagree with you, what you need to learn are the BOUNDARIES, not how to control your anger at bad behaviour LOL!
What happened was just part of the one-upmanship you must be very careful of during a divorce and for all the years that follow.
My ex constantly ‘stole’ my ideas for our son. Stole is a harsh word and it took me a long time to understand that is what he was doing. The smallest things like taking our son to a movie first that I mentioned I wanted our son to see, to the biggest which I will relate in a moment… He wanted our son to hero worship him no matter what had transpired in the past.
At first I was hurt by it, him constantly swooping in with an idea I had told him and getting to be the good guy. Then making me seem petty and shrewish for objecting or saying I was hurt by it.
The biggest swoop in…our son was Bar Mitzvah age and I thought it would be good to ask if he wanted a trip abroad or a Bar Mitzvah party, which we agreed previously would be his two options, either/or NOT both. Next day, after I got mention-itis, talking about what might be good options for our son to choose from for said occasion- the ex comes by to collect our son for his week (we live in the same neighbourhood and our son spends one week with me and one with his dad) and excitedly tells our son that he has booked a trip for his Bar Mitzvah to New York! Effectively forcing me to throw a Bar Mitzvah party, with the costs all on my head-which the ex would still be attending as his father! Cutting me out of the New York trip and overdoing the whole occasion by having two gifts instead of the one we agreed upon. Sigh!
Moving on…Then I started to get angry, really angry. At myself, at him, at the divorce, at my reaction. I let this happen by not having my boundaries set in stone.
The kids know that you are divorcing, most of their friends probably have divorced parents. Now that my son is older he told me that he wasn’t thrilled when we would spend time with my ex when he was younger. He said there was always an underlying tension no matter how well we ‘got along’.
Everyone has to choose their own way in a divorce but boundaries are super important. You can be friendly without forcing ‘friendship’-Family time can be drinking a cup of coffee together at drop off and pick up. Not sharing every meaningful event. it sounds harsh but this is a very recent break up, you need time to get yourself together emotionally. I am happy if you feel that you are having an amicable divorce but be realistic. Is this how you want to proceed or is this how you THINK you should proceed. If you have as much trouble with boundaries as I had, you are in for a long hard slog if you don’t set those boundaries in concrete now. Believe me, start as you mean to go on…;)
Boundaries are your friends. If you think up an idea for your children, you must remember, you aren’t a family any more, not everything needs to be a shared experience.
Get some nails, wood and a concrete mixer and start building that boundary wall, you will be thankful you have it when being attacked in the future! LOL
Sorry for the length of this post, concern made me ramble!
L,
You are a goddess. That example of the NYC trip hit home. Mention-itis – that’s spectacular. It’s where all the s…tuff begins. I have to rein it in. The boys are happier when alone with one of us. I know that in my heart, even if they don’t know it consciously, yet.
“Is this how you want to proceed or is this how you THINK you should proceed?” It’s how I think I should proceed, and how I want to proceed, but it’s not how I NEED to proceed. Sure, it would be lovely if it was all ribbons and sparkles, but it’s not. Doesn’t mean it has to be contentious. That we can do without. And without the pressure to make it ‘family-ish’, I am sure I will feel less stressed.
Oh, L. Your comment is worthy of national publication. Bravo and thank you. I will reread it as needed. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
The Genius seems to have forgotten that HE is the one who betrayed you — and he seems intent on continuing the trend. Seriously? Leaving the clubhouse plans out? How sad he feels so threatened by you that he has to attemp to steal the thunder, sabotage the event and then blame you. I’ll give him this: he is consistent.
I think your take on the situation is good and, as usual, you are looking at the bright side. Having gone through a divorce myself, I will offer this: stop trying to do nice things for and with The Genius. He simply doesn’t deserve it and you have better things to do with your time. IMHO
K,
Thank you for taking the time to comment – your words of guidance are spot on. I remember one time, in Chicago, when I witnessed a girl fall and hit her head. She was a bit tipsy. An ER nurse out having a good time but her friends left her and she fell down, went boom. I helped her up. Sat with her for about 20 minutes. She was fine, but inebriated. I knew if I left her there I would always wonder if she got home safely. I hailed a cab, against The Genius wishes, and together we escorted her home. He became furious with me. Told me all I want to do is save Doves.
His true colors came out that night. I never forgot how disappointed I was in his behavior. You get what you give.
I’ll always save doves. As long as I don’t have to break the law. Remember, I’m a rules follower! And one of my new rules is to forget trying to understand what has The Genius behave as he does. Rule #2 – no more ‘family events’. He toasted the family. Now it’s me and the boys. And when it’s his time with them it’s his time with them. I thought that would make me sad, but it doesn’t. It makes me joyful. I’m shedding, and shedding and shedding. Feeling lighter all the time.
So grateful you are here, K.
Love yourself,
Cleo
THANK GOD you are now saying “Rule #2 – no more ‘family events’. He toasted the family. Now it’s me and the boys.”
Dearest Cleo, I just breathed a sigh of relief for you. I’ve been watching and commenting and wincing at your endeavors to be something that is akin to a self mutilating train-wreck. I can promise you that the boys feel better with just one of you at a time. I am almost 2 years post divorce and my 2 little ones now freely talk about how nervous being around Mommy and Daddy together in the early days of the divorce/separation would scare them and confuse them. They would worry if I was happy or if something my ex said had hurt me (which happened a lot at these forced events). They were so focused on the frequencies between my ex and I that they never could truly enjoy any given experience that we were trying to give them. I watched as they’d spontaneously hug one of us and then their faces would get tight and they would rush over to hug the other parent, trying to be fair themselves. A horrible thing for a Kindergarten age child to have to even worry about. I cringe when I think of how I tried to have family events (birthdays) and the such. If you can stick to this new rule of yours, I feel you will reap rewards of fulfilling peace and tranquility all the quicker. The boys will feel more relaxed and free to love each parent without self-consciousness. And they won’t have memories of seeing you try to reign in the sure fury that your GENIUS is sure to incite from you. Love to you – and I hope you stick to your guns. For yourself and the boys.
Best,
Jane
J,
“If you can stick to this new rule of yours, I feel you will reap rewards of fulfilling peace and tranquility all the quicker.” Your words resonate with me. I gave it a shot and will learn from my mistakes. It is best to simply provide the boys with a joyful experience being with each of us alone rather than stress them out by trying to be together as a family. Maybe one day we’ll get there, but it’s not my focus anymore. And I don’t feel guilty about it. Just happy. Happy that I am living my life as I know I should be living it.
Thank you so much for your words of guidance. Reading about your experiences has helped me to know that I am on the right path. So very grateful to have you here. Stay close, m’lady.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hey Cleo, I just read your last post about the clubhouse and felt compelled to reply. It felt like you are beating yourself up about the decision to share the present with your husband. But I think that was a truly decent decision made for your son’s benefit. Maybe this situation is an opportunity to observe your husband in his new role as divorced coparent and take a cue as to how better to work with him in the future. I am sure he has some wonderful qualities as a dad, but perhaps some insecurities/sadness there as well which may lead him to undercut you at times. Give him the opportunity to co-gift the clubhouse, but spell out your conditions/boundaries up front: we present together, don’t spoil the surprise, etc. Yes, it is kind of lame and unfair to have to spell out these nobrainers up front. But your husband is who he is, and it is a huge waste of energy to expect him to change in the slightest.
Good luck and thanks for the writing, I really enjoy it.
C,
Brilliant! Your words so resonate with me. Especially this sentence: “Maybe this situation is an opportunity to observe your husband in his new role as divorced coparent and take a cue as to how better to work with him in the future.”
We will need to come to a centered place of peace in our role as co-parents. I can DO IT! I awoke this morning feeling joyful, and it’s because I can see my path more clearly. There’s still some fog…but you know how much I love fog.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your words of guidance. So glad you are here…
Love yourself,
Cleo
This is the hardest thing to get, isn’t it? It’s so easy to be calm and centered when everything is going along smoothly. It’s in the heat of those emotional encounters that the new skills decide to take a day off. As you said, being aware that you are consciously incompetent at centering in certain scenarios only means that it won’t be long before you master that skill no matter what comes your way.
Also, I applaud you putting your kids’ happiness first when you decided to include The Genius in your plans for the clubhouse. I am wrestling with this one myself. It’s been a little over 3 months since my ex and I separated and now he wants to “do things as a family” for the sake of our 7 year old son. I’m afraid that our son will confuse us doing things together with the hope that we will be getting back together. And I’m afraid that will only make it harder for him to accept the fact that that’s not going to happen. Whenever I am faced with these “what should I do” scenarios, I start to panic…there never seems to be a clear-cut right answer. I could use a little centering right about now myself…
-AG
A,
“Afraid.” Kiss it. Hug it. Love it. Set it free. Start small…a trip to the farmers market, a lunch somewhere, and see how it goes. What’s the worst that could happen? Your son may start to hope that it’s a sign of reconciliation. On one level he is right – reconciling to be co-parents of a beautiful soul in the most mature way possible. Beyond that, should he desire more, you have the opportunity to talk with him about his feelings. Which is something we must encourage our children to do freely – discuss and emote. Live and feel. Not to be afraid of their feelings but to observe them and love them.
I’m centering with you, A. We’re doing this together. And I’m so very proud of your honesty.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thanks for the advice. My preference is to start small as you suggest. My ex, on the other hand, discussed going to a Yankee game together with our son before even talking to me about it. I feel like he set me up so that if I say no, I’m the horrible parent. I’m sure that my ex’s new-found desire to be a family has nothing to do with the fact that he and his girlfriend have just broken up…right. See where I’m going with this? When dealing with a master manipulator, where are the boundaries so that you end up not being a pawn?
A,
Those boundaries lie within you. I have noticed that I need to let go of trying to understand The Genius’ motivations for any of his actions. It is simply not my place to discern what they may be. I have to let go because when I spend time trying to understand his motivations I am focusing on him and not me. Focusing on him is the absolute last thing I need to do. Center within you. On you. And do only that which serves you.
It may sound selfish to some, but we know that by focusing on ourselves and committing to a joyful life we will only create joy for those around us. It’s the antithesis of being selfish.
Rock on, beautiful lady.
Love yourself,
Cleo
If you find yourself in a confrontation of any kind with anyone, be it a family member or a stranger, before reacting ask yourself, ‘Is what I am about to say motivated by my need to be right, or my desire to be kind?’ Then pick a response that stems from kindness, regardless of how your ego objects. Only then will peace find you.
M,
Simple yet potent words of guidance. And to carry this out one must be centered and fully present in the moment. It’s a delicate balancing act for sure, but one that provides unlimited amounts of pride and joy.
Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you for wishing us mothers who do it all a Happy Father’s Day. My children’s jobless father has been out of state visiting his girlfriend, who is allegedly moving here soon, for the last 3 weeks and he wasn’t concerned with being back here by Father’s Day. So I’ll proudly take it.
May I very bluntly ask if you discussed the reason you wanted to do the clubhouse together with The Genius, WITH The Genius? Did he know you were trying to preserve the “family unit” for your boys’ sake?
If not, then you overestimated his generosity and he proved himself to be selfish and not at all in the mindset of being a family unit with you. If you DID explain your reasoning to him, then he proved himself to be a even worse selfish person who has no interest in being in a family unit with you. Either way, the guy’s selfish and therefore not worthy of your thoughtfulness.
I am quite sure you can rock that clubhouse all on your own!
T,
You are so very welcome! I’m quite proud of you, m’lady.
I did discuss it with The Genius. I recall saying something like, I thought this would be a good gift to give to them together, not attach it to one birthday or the other, but for both. And you can be here for it. (He was not here for the birthday itself.) Only a ferret would have thought nothing of just tossing the plans out there and letting the boys see them. A simple, We should wait till your Mom returns, would have been sufficient. It’s not even so much about me being there to see their faces, it’s the way in which it was presented – or not presented. It was ‘no big deal’. Which was, in my opinion, the wrong way to present such a gift. I don’t aim to raise entitled children who think a clubhouse is something you just whip out of thin air.
I will never understand The Genius. So, I’m going to stop trying.
I am going to rock that clubhouse! Black light posters and all!
Love yourself,
Cleo
PS: Don’t you think it’s time we brought back black light posters?
Cleo – here it is. I’m saying it with you…
This isn’t about The Genius. This is about you being able to stick to your boundaries in whatever scenario presented to you. That you will always come from the heart. And that your words will always be genuine and true.
Your mantra is now my mantra.
Onward and upward. Slow and steady.
Thank you.
K,
Kisses, hugs, love and all that jazz. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Don’t beat yourself up for being human. As I was thinking about it, if there was a big project that was to come from my wife and I and either of us let it “slip” without us both being there, I know I would be upset and so would she, I would think. I’m sure even Gandhi was temped to kick the dog (metaphorically, of course), from time to time. It is good that you are able to look back on it and examine it for what it is, but, please remember, you are also human.
L,
All I have to do is look at my flipper feet or my stretch marks and know right off that I am human.
Thank you for your kind words of guidance. I’m grateful that I can see how I could have handled the situation differently, and then would have accomplished something important for myself. In the end, I’m sure The Genius thinks I’m a bi-atch, but after some thoughtful reflection, I was right to be upset. It was selfish of him to not care enough to insure that we gave the clubhouse to them together.
Surprise, surprise. So, now I know that I have to spoon feed instructions if we are ever to be in a similar situation. But I will do my best to avoid those in the future.
The most important thing is that the boys feel happy, safe and secure. They are smart. They feel things. As long as they can rely upon me to be consistent and honest and gentle with them we will all be fine.
Well, that and I can’t bite it halfway between Alcatraz and Chrissy Field.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I love snails. I try very hard not to step on them. The pic of your snail made me smile.
Baby steps baby steps!
L,
Me, too! But, shhhhh…don’t tell them I like to eat them as well. That’s between you and me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
HGM, for me, started out as interesting. Your last few posts have been nothing short of glorious. I am going through my own difficult time and your kind words and personal journey have been a blessing. My circumstances are quite different, yet your words comfort me and help me focus on what is important. I have grown more over the past few months than I have in 40 years of life. While I have many other support systems, your journey is helping guide my course. Charting a new course is never easy. I think the early explorers had it easier than the type of self-exploration I submit myself to on a daily basis… My journey I suspect has no destination. All I can say is that how I live my life and how I choose to share myself with family, friends, coworkers and those I do not yet know, will help define the destination. You took a risk and you should be proud . Your risk was for your benefit and the benefit of those you love. For me, life and love are meant to be shared. Keep taking risks. Keep sharing. Keep growing. Keep loving.
Regarding your readers, I for the most part find them as inspired and inspiring as you. Every so often, the focus goes to actions, issues and people (The Genius) that you do not and cannot control. I hope you keep the forum as open and honest as it has been, because people and life are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get…
G,
Your kind words and eloquence are glorious. Thank you. I agree – I too have grown up so much in these last few months. I imagine it’s not off the pace I kept as an infant. Daily I am “growing” by leaps and bounds. That doesn’t always mean ‘forward’ but always growing. As my growth speeds, I’m feeling a need to slow down. Savor it all. Live in the moment. Which is what the early explorers had to do to succeed. Back in those days people took care of their needs. They gathered their own food, built their shelter, and bravely set out to explore new lands. It’s so different now on so many levels we’d have to start ten blogs just to cover them. However, one thing is clear – tending to our basic needs in the most honest, loving and brave way leads to peace and happiness.
Your comment has inspired me to go back to basics. That’s going to be my mantra next week. Arts and crafts, baking bread, reading Harry Potter for the first time to the boys (I have waited years for this moment.) and giving them spa days – they love foot massages…oh, and repainting my patio furniture. I think I’m going bold. Maybe lime. Or red. Rust isn’t cutting it for me anymore. It’s too trendy now.
We have many destinations, G. I’m glad you found this one. Very grateful.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Ah, cheesy string theory and molecules..now you’re talking my language.
Hello C, it’s been a while…had to get divorced, quit my job, move into my new home, take on a new kitten (housewarming present, apparently…it’s the spawn of hell, cute but hellishly destructive…..aaaaaaand deal with the fallout of my skids cancelling the Jubillee weekend with their Dad because they prefer to spend it with their step-mom. I am still here and have an amazing new job so all is fabulously well.
Now…really, give yourself a break. Seriously I have been with you from the start. You are doing everything right, that includes the odd moment of losing it when faced once again with selfish insensitivity. Part of loving yourself is knowing when to be kind to yourself.
I agree, staying centred and managing the emotion means less conflict however it takes time to get to the place where you can observe your emotions in the same moment as living them…this takes practice. When you get there it is sublime, but it takes practice…hence the clubhouse ‘test’.
let’s keep in mind you have only recently learnt absolute forgiveness and the peace that brings, plus the beauty of boundaries…so play nice!
Divorce, infidelity, a broken family…all these things so we can grow…and we will. If you are going to involve the molecules (energy) paradigm I suggest you do learn to play nice with yourself (so to speak, no innuendo), like attracts like remember, so the more forgiving you are to you, the easier this gets. Trust MLP, she does know the energy/molecule thingy.
You’re growing…I can see it…it is coming together and this person who will one day walk beside you…and he does exist. Just remember the like attracts like theory. You are growing into your skin and are an amazing, compassionate, wise and brilliant woman. When you attract someone into your life from your current and still getting better energy state….WOW, I mean he is going to be something else.
The molecules say that if you resonate with grace, compassion, forgiveness and peace, you will only be able to attract someone of the same vibration. So relax C. It’s early days my friend and you are still doing so well.
As always
Your personal little physicist
MPLP,
I love pronouncing that. Say it with me – MPLP. Such a wonderful, um, ring. We missed you, m’lady.
Your guidance about like attracting like is PRICELESS! What a great barometer to use to understand where I am on my growth chart! What am I attracting? And what does that say about me? It’s one thing to look inward, but to partner that knowledge with what is happening externally is really going to keep me on track. Thank you, love you, owe you.
“…it takes time to get to the place where you can observe your emotions in the same moment as living them…this takes practice. When you get there it is sublime, but it takes practice…” I will celebrate the day I am consciously competent at being present enough to observe my emotions as they present themselves during an encounter. I feel like I’ve lost a bit of ground there, but your suggestion that being gentle with myself during this process will insure that I attract gentle is a solid motivator for me.
I am so grateful that you share your observations of me as I walk along my path. Here’s me, all floating in the atmosphere and creative and la la Piscean, flippering my way across the blue marble, and into my world comes a physicist who gets that and brings her heart-centered analytical side, along with a strong sense of what I am experiencing, to the party here at HGM. You balance me, MPLP. I am eternally grateful you found me.
Now, to you- BRAV-a-freaking-O! Wow. You are motoring along! I am in awe. Skids – love that! And they love you. How beautiful you must be to embrace them as you have, and that kitten, too. You are surrounded by love, and child-like play, and a new job doing…oh, I’ll stop there before I make a fool of myself! I am so very happy for you. Glow on.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi! My sister directed me to this website and after spending the past week looking through your entries I finally decided to comment. First of all you are an awesome lady. Strong, smart, and considerate. Secondly, you are an awesome mom. I would have KILLED for a clubhouse but I’m a girl so I only got Barbies
My parents got divorced when I was pretty young. Young enough that I don’t even remember it but I remember their interactions for years after. I’m not saying any of this is relevant to you or helpful but this post brought it all to mind so I’m mentioning it. My dad resented my mom for getting her life together. Essentially, since their relationship ended by his choice and not hers he felt she should be *devastated* by the loss; that she should mourn their relationship like a widow mourns a dead husband. No joke. If she was happy, he was annoyed. If she dated, he was weirdly jealous even though he didn’t want her back. Seeing her thrive annoyed him because as far as he was concerned if she had ever really loved him then she wouldn’t be so happy being alone. So he tried to undermine her in little ways out of spite. He would steal her ideas for our gifts, he would suggest vacations that she had come up with (then would cancel, ruining everything for everyone), etc. People want to be the one to leave, not to be the one left; be the one that cheats, be the one that wants the divorce, be the one that dies first and is mourned. I don’t know if it’s rational or not but that’s just how some people are. I’m not sure he was completely aware he was doing it. Of course this could also just be standard second parent jealousy; no matter how hard you try to co-ordinate events, no matter how often he picks them up for sleepovers or comes over to spend the evening with them, they sleep in your house. That makes you the first parent, main parent, dominant parent. Which gives you more understanding of them, gives you the more relevant ideas (like the AWESOME clubhouse). My dad had this too (until he stopped having anything to do with any of us, but that’s another post I guess). He always felt he got the shallow experiences.
I applaud you trying to make it work, but you can’t. Both of you have to make it work, otherwise there is strain and the kids are going to pick up on and probably already do. I could always feel how hard my mom was trying, the too-nice niceness, the effort. I hated co-parented events, hang outs. Once they just settled on civil, pleasant in a absent-minded kind of way, interactions like drop-offs everything just became less stressful. I was relieved to hear I wouldn’t be spending an hour+ with both of them. Maybe it will all shake out for you – I’m rooting for you to get everything you want and need, and more. I just hope you don’t feel like if an encounter goes bad it’s because of you not being able to handle it. The failure here isn’t yours.
E,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. Your words truly resonate with me. And they helped to reinforce my feelings about family events. But more so, they opened my eyes to something I have a hard time seeing: the motivations of others. I assume too often that the motivations of others are pure. Even with regard to The Genius. I don’t want to by cynical, and I don’t have to be. I do need to be more aware and present and pay attention to the signs. Then, without judging, move along my path. I KNOW I can do this!
I was never a doll girl, either. They did and do creep me out. I expect they’ll come alive while I sleep and stare at me with those ooggly eyes under heavy lids with just a sliver of white showing. Then the eyes pop out and they go all bat-crazy on me. Never had a doll spend the ngiht in my room once I was old enough to know better! CHUCKY! Eek!
I’m so grateful you shared your thoughts with me, with us. We can all learn from your observations and the way you felt as your parents navigated the same minefield many of us walk today. Please don’t hold back, you sage. Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo