Along with the Ralph Lauren bath towels and glass mixing bowls (both of which I still use 17 years later) and the martini shaker and glasses (rarely used), was a gift on our registry invisible to the eyes of the Bride – a divorce. I never saw it and never imagined it a possibility. Which is a fine example of human naiveté. But I believe it was there all along. It was going to happen. Absolutely unstoppable.
To go with the basics – kitchen must-haves, bed and bath essentials – every Wedding Registry should have a new category – The eventuals. Eventually lots of events are going to happen that the veil obscures. These eventuals are gifts, too. Even divorce.
My divorce was all but done before I said I do. Not because of anything in particular that I did or didn’t do or who I was as a person while married. It was part of my overall game plan (and that of my former spouse for needs particular to his journey). Part of what I needed to experience here in school on Earth, part of my quest to create genuine happiness and contentment, not society’s definition of happiness. Part of my desire to experience the full range of all human emotions. How I learned about creating contrast to eventually come to understand the complexities of being a spiritual being having a human experience.
How I learned that I wasn’t being me.
In the years leading up to the moment at which I met my former spouse, my Ego was the Emperor, presiding over and regulating my every move. My emotions ran amok like 6 year old boys after two hours of playing Minecraft while eating a pound of candy corn. Case in point: A few weeks before meeting my former spouse I wrote as part of a goal setting exercise, I will not marry or procreate. My Ego wanted to wear the mask of the independent woman, a professional success, not desirous of the typical fairy tale with a Prince and house and bouncing bundles of joy.
I was engaged within a few months. (The dudes arrived many years later. Perfect timing on their part to have me be the woman I am now in the process of becoming and not the lost girl I was then.)
Image. Image. Image. This is who I am, not that. Oh, wait. Hmmm…That looks like fun. I think I’ll be that!
At the time I thought it was funny, an entertaining story to tell about how I went from certain I wouldn’t marry to engaged within ten weeks of meeting him, without a doubt in my mind that it was our destiny. I was certain he was my soul mate, and we would be married for life.
Just like I was certain I would never marry or procreate.
Isn’t that funny?! I said as I flipped my hair and tugged on the lip of my margarita glass. We just knew! Not a doubt in my mind that we were meant to marry. The Spring sun brought out beads of sweat; we hid behind our dark glasses. Spending a Sunday, riverside on a deck, with reggae pumping through the speakers, salty chips and my first guacamole tempering the affects of the tequila. Adults on the verge of marriage and building a life together, laughing, dogs at our feet, salt on our hands, music in our ears.
I was completely unconscious of being unaware that I knew nothingabout what I thought I knew.
But if you told me then that I would be divorced now I would not have walked down that aisle. I was meant to marry. And I was meant to be divorced. So I’m glad you didn’t tell me. (That understanding has allowed me to let go of the need to blame or be angry.)
And now I get to make divorce happen.
J, a kitten who has a vat of knowledge about all things legal and is gracious enough to share, gave me a gift. A gift that came a day after I made the choice to not get tweaked and twisted over the fact that only I signed the divorce documents, meaning I was no closer to being divorced, and I blew 10 bucks on a notary.
His gift? The knowledge that I could have been divorced a year ago. And nobody could have stopped me.
See, there’s a form – bifurcation something or other – that grants a divorce after six months from the date of the initial filing. J and I both wondered why lawyers don’t advise their clients of this, or why the courts don’t automatically send the form out at the six month mark. After I printed them out at the court house I realized why I didn’t know about it until now.
I wouldn’t have done it. I wouldn’t have wanted to agitate my former spouse. No, strike that.
I wouldn’t have wanted to take matters into my own hands. I wouldn’t have wanted to say, I’m doing this! I would have let my Ego talk me out of it. You’ll piss him off. Just wait. It will eventually be done. It’s just a piece of paper. It’s not like you’re dating or planning to get married. It just doesn’t matter.
The piece of paper doesn’t matter.
But taking action does.
Taking action is essential. Especially when the Ego turns little actions into big scary deals or says they don’t matter or that my choice is wrong because how could I possibly choose the right action to make. Look at all the bad choices I’ve made!
The night J told me that I control my divorce destiny I observed the state of things that really matter, not the hand prints all over the windows or the fact that I’ve had a bag of planting mix sitting in front of my cottage for months and apples laying under my apple tree, or that I still don’t have a rug in the living room. But being a good mentor for the dudes, becoming consciously competent at living through my heart and not my Ego, being fearless and proactive, making choices and gracefully welcoming the outcomes, cherishing the lifelong journey of getting to know myself – those are things that truly matter.
Little bites, I said. There is no need to create a feeling of being overwhelmed. The process of life is to nibble daily on all those needs without the fear of taking the wrong bite. There is no wrong bite. Every nibble of life, even the ones that taste bad, are nourishing. And then I went to sleep.
In the morning, before I got out of bed, High Maintenance Kitty and I read the following sent to me via email by The Universe: (I love it when the Cosmos adopts the use of technology.)
Cleo, if you go first and reach for the fruit; I’ll shake the tree. Do a little dance; I’ll add some music.
Move in the direction of your dreams, even though at first nothing seems to happen; I’ll align the stars, butter your bread, connect the dots, trim the hedge, move some mountains, float the boat, and see you at the ball.
Metaphorically. Except for seeing you at the ball.
If you go first,
The Universe
If I go first…
Filing the forms that will end my marriage and conclude this stupidly long divorce process in six weeks is a small bite with big gains.
It moves me forward. I am taking the step. Making the move.
To remain in limbo is a soul killer. On a mountain it’s a death sentence.
Making unconscious choices can also lead to death. Metaphorically or literally.
There was a time when I couldn’t decide – what to wear, where to go, what to eat, how to be. Because the Ego delighted in the attention it received, the position of authority it held, while I remained in limbo. Then, when I made choices they were influenced heavily by friends, family, my environment.
It’s exciting – making conscious choices that aren’t influenced by anything or anyone other than my own intuition and self-love. There will always be the voice of the Ego whispering sweet fear into my ears, but I know what she sounds like now. Her threats aren’t real. Her arguments for inaction lame.
On the day I completed the paperwork for the divorce I also finished my application for the winter climb of Mt. Rainier, made an appointment with an accountant, and filled out the form to create my sole proprietorship DBA.
Small bites, but they all lead to a great big ball.
This divorce, this gift, has made me a better Mom, a better friend, and better person…
…a better human.
Time for a much overdue thank you note.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, there is no question that you must be done with this divorce. And hail, hail, to J for sharing the way out. I just have to assume that J is doing the DissoMaster justice, a 19th-century-seeming bureaucratic piece of horrific software that makes marriage dissolution in California feel like riding the rack. I’ve been there and I’ve done that. Please be careful.
You wrote: “My emotions ran amok like 6 year old boys after two hours of playing Minecraft while eating a pound of candy corn.” I loved this sentence. So honest, heartfelt, and true. My boys, too.
Get that DBA up and running, and BTW, you should look into LLCs and Class C/S corporations as well. You are running a business now. Don’t make the mistake of being a sole proprietor, that’s just giving money away to the monkeys in Washington D.C.
Bad monkeys, no popcorn.
M,
I will laugh about this all day: Bad monkeys, no popcorn.
The visual is fantastic!
It’s so absurd how complicated our business and tax systems are thanks to Washington D.C. Options considered. Unfortunately I don’t meet with my accountant until early November. I suppose I can wait that long before getting the whole ball rolling. Everything, including the four to six week wait to reclaim my maiden name, seems to point to December 1 for ‘the birth’. But I don’t want to wait another day! …says my Ego.
Good M, you can have all the popcorn.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Tears are plopping on my IPad as I type this and I’m not even sure why. This rang so true with me: “There was a time when I couldn’t decide . . .” My ego was always a chastising voice, dripping with sarcasm, asking “are you sure you want to wear THAT?” and “I wouldn’t say that, if I were you” and “WHAT were you thinking!?!”. It was demoralizing and exhausting. I think the tears are coming from the sympathy I feel for my younger self. I let people walk all over me, I put everyone’s happiness ahead of my own and I had no idea that I could have just said No Thank-you.
Cleo, you are younger than me in years, but in wisdom, you are light years ahead of me. I’ve always looked for someone like you to invite into my life, who contemplated things other than manicures, handbags, prime time television, and the stock market. We kittens are lucky to “know” you, but I predict that sometime in the future, you’ll be sitting with Oprah discussing all you’ve learned on her “Life Class”. And I, for one, will be on my feet giving you the ovation you deserve.
It is slowly sinking in with me. Finally. Yesterday, I had a million things to do but it was such a beautiful morning that I decided to grab my cameras and head to the lake. I’m a photographer – it feeds my soul. But I let my ego get in the way most of the time with her whiny voice telling me it’s selfish to go shoot when I have so much else to do. Yesterday I politely told her to take a hike. She’s still pouting with her arms folded, but she’ll get over it. Or maybe she won’t and will hit the road. I can always hope!
S,
Thank goodness your iPad doesn’t have a keyboard!
Exhausting. Yes. So very exhausting. Did you put everyone before yourself? Or your Ego? It’s the Ego, S. Because when it does that it creates tension and anxiety and something to moan about and fret about, and an Us Vs. Them. It provides you with the opportunity to chastise yourself – I did this bad thing!
In many conversations I’ve had about this I’ve heard people say, I never had a big Ego, or my parents helped to nurture a healthy Ego. The Ego is huge and what parents help to nurture is self-love, hopefully. The Ego is factory installed. And loaded.
I love that you flipped the table – taking photographs is not a guilty pleasure but part of your purpose. It’s essential to your journey. To disregard that in favor of laundry or Bravo TV or complaining at the playground about how much homework kids have is like telling your spirit – I don’t have time for you.
Wha?
Can’t happen. Love that spirit, love your camera, capture the magic of this planet and know that it’s more than deserving to be able to do it – it’s why you are here. The Ego won’t ever leave, but we can put it in its place. And recognize its voice. Then, when she speaks, we can smile and say, No, thank you.
Oprah’s Life Class – It would be an honor. (My Ego wants to say, But not one I deserve. Pipe down, sweetheart, We’re all humans and we all have thoughts to share.) Along with my writing, and celebrating each and every day I have with the dudes, I want to help people. In any way I can. That’s what makes me feel fulfilled.
So grateful to have you here. Snap away. Often. Life will slow down and everything will get done.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I love that you told everything else to wait. Doing what we love is the path to pure joy in our life. Figuring out how we can delegate or simply delete those things from our life that we have to do and don’t enough doing frees us up to do more of what we love.
This morning I went for a paddle with a guest at our B&B and we had a purposeful conversation about how one finds their purpose in life. The self-help books tell us we need a purpose (especially men), but how do we find it. I loved sharing what I knew about finding our purpose. I was working and playing at the same time.
This is how I want to live my ideal life.
Yahoo for doing what we love.
Hugs,
Jacque
http://www.yourdivinedivorce.com
I love that you told everything else to wait. Doing what we love is the path to pure joy in our life. Figuring out how we can delegate or simply delete those things from our life that we have to do and don’t enough doing frees us up to do more of what we love.
This morning I went for a paddle with a guest at our B&B and we had a purposeful conversation about how one finds their purpose in life. The self-help books tell us we need a purpose (especially men), but how do we find it. I loved sharing what I knew about finding our purpose. I was working and playing at the same time.
This is how I want to live my ideal life.
Yahoo for doing what we love.
Hugs,
Jacque
http://www.yourdivinedivorce.com
Cleo, you are so right. A divorce can be the beginning of a whole new life for us and point us in the direction of where we really want to be.
Being able to let go of anger, disappointment, bitterness, fear of being alone, sadness, etc. is huge for our journey forward.
Plus finding he LOVE for ourselves is huge. It certainly was for me on my journey through divorce and finding my ideal life.
Love and Hugs,
Jacque
http://www.yourdivinedivorce.com
J,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Like many ‘crisis’ situations, divorce is a gift when viewed as an opportunity to peel away the layers of Ego and walls of protection and rediscover the magic of life. It continues to be the event in my life that has led to the greatest degree of transformation. I am blown away by where I was two years ago and where I am today. A big, fat WOW.
So very grateful…thank you for the love and hugs, m’lady. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow! All I can say is thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, feelings and learnings with the world. You write so beautifully and you capture it all so accurately. Grateful for the gift you have given me! A kindred spirit. Someone who feels exactly like I do, and who has taken the time to learn the lessons, and share.
T,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your kind words. Gratitude begets gratitude – I’m immensely grateful to have the opportunity to write it out, be lovingly supported by all of you and, together, grow through this experience. HGM doesn’t let me hide. That’s a gift. So, so grateful. Stay close, m’lady.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m so thrilled for you. When my friends get into a spin cycle, I always tell them to TAKE ACTION. Making a conscious, proactive decision is essential to self-empowerment and feels so much better than sitting back and waiting for “something” to happen or someone to make the decision that will affect you in some way. You’re totally right: There is no wrong bite. Each of us has our own lives and our own paths to discover. Don’t just follow the path — discover it. Keep on marching, Cleo!
C,
Such great advice! Just TAKE ACTION. One small move can lead to massive shifts. And this: “Don’t just follow the path — discover it.” LOVE it!
Thank you for taking the time to comment. We all appreciate these words. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
C,
Such great advice! Just TAKE ACTION. One small move can lead to massive shifts. And this: “Don’t just follow the path — discover it.” LOVE it!
Thank you for taking the time to comment. We all appreciate these words. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Me too!! Somewhere down deep I knew but I kept trying, soldiering on in a war zone at the end. I once heard a saying somewhere that now pops into my head “When you find yourself in hell, keep walking. Pausing isn’t an option!” My baby steps, little nibbles are becoming larger, bigger… I can feel it. But I need to take the action.
I still get frustrated … with the G revisions and complete lack of remorse or empathy for me and his children. His most recent comment ( in one of his swings to appear rational) was “you need to live life and be nice”??? This of course came on the tails of “you are listening to women who hate their ex husbands” and “all your friends are snobs and bitches” Isn’t he a genius? He now believes he is the good man living his life honestly – being honest with me and the children by leaving and I am just the mad b****. No accountability, no remorse, no responsibility, no consequences…..frustrating.
For me “no retreat baby no surrender” ( my philosopher, The Boss) Keep moving forward! I hope that you will still be here, even after the D. Every word I have read from the beginning has moved me or made me think or feel that we are collective souls on this journey and we will be alright.
affectionately,
cin
C,
The Boss! I love some Bruce. Did you see the photos of him frolicking in the water on holiday a few weeks back? Ageless. Timeless. Hotness.
Your Ego gets frustrated. Your spirit, your soul, sees why he needs to say those things, feel those things, be so certain about those things. Your Ego wants to set the record straight! Your soul wants to go explore, laugh, cherish small moments of magic with your children, love unconditionally, indulge in human pursuits – like ice cream. And stuff.
Oh, C. I’m not going to slip away after the divorce is final. Nor will I dance on table tops or shoot off confetti canons. I’ll probably be writing about my Ego or intuition or my vibe. Or how the dudes are teaching me to be a better person, a more relaxed mom, a better surfer. Our divorces are just one small part of our lives. I’ll keep writing. I hope you’ll continue to be inspired by the words shared here at HGM. Thank you for being here and for your kind words. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo, this is going to be a long one: I do believe you are on the right track to the place you need too be. My deepest love and admiration for who you are and where you are going. My comment is not really related to your most immediate situation, however it is related to your journey and the wisdom you have learned/shared over the past two years that I have followed your story.
My girlfriend is in a bad marital situation with a selfish and childish man with whom she has a little boy ( 3 yrs old). She is in love with a work mate who definitely cares about her but I am not sure that he’s the one for her as he is also married and has children. She’s trying to be a good girl and take of her child and be the best for her man, but she’s knowing that she is making all of the sacrifices for this relationship and she’s miserable. My story is about animal totems. I had never heard of them until I started to read your blog, and I am not sure I recognized them in my own life. My girlfriend and I run along a trail that takes us through a city and along a river. A mighty river, it’s the Ottawa River which runs several hundred kilometers to the sea (eventually) Anyway we usually encounter squirrels and geese, as we are in a city and not much else. However last week as my girlfriend was discussing with me her unhappiness with her situation , a bullfrog leaped across our path, inches from us, and 20 minutes later we encountered a garter snake, who slithered across our path, feet from where we were running. I was struck by the idea that this was not normal and that the universe was trying to tell us something. Because of your discussion about animal totems, I googled froggie and snake (never did that before) and was shocked at what the website had to say about what it meant. Anyway, sent the link to my girlfriend, and I said to her that you need to read this. (Basically she needs to move on from that bad relationship) I just want to thank you for helping me to open my eyes to the universe, and I want to thank you for being the best girlfriend ever, even though we have never met.
A,
Best girlfriend ever! That rocks! I feel so loved, and so Canadian.
Your words have touched me deeply.
Animal totems never fail to point our noses in the right direction. It’s easy to say it’s symbolism or cheesy or witchy magic, but when they are always accurate one can’t ignore the message. I am thrilled you have welcomed their messages into your world.
With respect, given you didn’t ask for my guidance, I must say that when reading your words I felt strongly that your girlfriend is being asked to be proactive and decisive. If the marriage is not supportive the dalliance isn’t going to help matters. It won’t solve anything. It only complicates matters on both a human level and a spiritual level. She’s being asked to spend time apart from both men to understand herself, love herself. Neither will give that love to her. I hear loudly – make good choices. Make good choices. Not easy choices. Not choices that provide distractions, but good choices for the betterment of her soul.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for sharing your experience with animal totems. I am so grateful you are here – and have been for so long! Thank you. You, me, hockey, crepes, maple syrup…one day, right? I miss Canada. Need to get to Montreal soon.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Anne, thank you for the great example of how the universe can show us our direction.
Jacque
Stop the presses!! Great post, as always, Cleo.
I am concerned that Anne’s friend, mother of a three-year old, has put herself into a position of having to juggle!! NOT good. Lacks common sense. No one should complicate their life by gathering more STUFF into the closet before throwing out the old stuff. I do not think this second understanding friend, co-worker, can add anything but a bandaid to her situation right now. Separate, divorce, clean out the closet and only then, after much consideration, see if she really wants to start over with the bandaid. When one cleans out a closet one gets a whole new picture of what really would look best in there. Enjoy the single life before reconnecting with anyone, ESPECIALLY a married man with children!! Don’t take on the role of the “other woman”, that’s how others will see it. Not that she has a rotten husband but that she will be breaking up a marriage – for what??? The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side of the fence. Don’t go to that grass without first cutting your own.
Love and best wishes to all the faithful mommies.
I,
Wise words from a wise woman…
Thank you for taking the time to comment and offer support to Anne’s friend. She’s swinging on the pendulum of life. I don’t judge her choices (I know you aren’t judging either), for it is by making choices that we create opportunities to grow from the experiences they create. I don’t know anyone who is proud of the decision to have an affair. Yet many still choose to do so. What was once a mystery to me now seems to explain the way we learn – by making choices, some ill-advised, we develop our integrity, fine tune our moral compass, and eventually get closer to making good choices, no matter how hard, all the time.
Stay close beautiful lady…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo thank you for your wise words. I agree completely that she needs to remove herself from the bad situation without relying on the other man to make it happen. She needs to love herself. I can only try to be a good friend and give her helpful advice. Yes Montreal rocks. Heading there on Wed to see a great band and have a lovely evening with my hubby. Come visit some day!
A,
Montreal, a concert, a man…sounds like a sublime evening. I will return to Montreal, that is certain. This time alone. A perfect way to explore the cobblestone streets, grab some cocoa and find a bookstore with a fireplace. I wonder if one piece of advice you can share with your friend is this: His Giant Mistake. Perhaps reading about the destruction of infidelity and the magic of self love can help her to make good choices sooner rather than later.
Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo