Good thing I didn’t have a divorce party. We would have laughed, cried, tipped back a few. Opened gifts (Does one bring a gift to a divorce party?) and oohed and aahed. And today I would be rewrapping them, if we didn’t drink them, and dropping them off on your doorsteps because my former spouse isn’t signing the divorce papers for reasons that are his own, likely guided by his collaborative (in the way our government is collaborative) attorney. The specifics aren’t worth the keystrokes. What matters is this:
The only entity that doesn’t consider me divorced is the United States Government. And given they are so inept as to have to shut down because their Egos are more important than results, I simply don’t care what they think. (I do believe that I shouldn’t have to pay taxes while they are closed, however.)
Unconsciously, I’ve been preparing for this. Over the last few weeks I have been hyper aware of my vibrational energy and the vibrational energy of others. This awareness has led me to ponder many encounters in my recent past and what I need to create for myself at this time in my journey. In recreating how certain situations made me feel in the moment, how they made me think, I’ve realized how quickly vibrational energy can flatline. I’ve taken note of how the vibrational energy of others has affected my decision making, leading me to make choices that have become lessons. Choices that have slowed me down. This pondering of late has convinced me of one very crucial thing:
In an instant my vibrational energy can be dropped from on high to land pancaked, like Flat Stanley, affecting me in costly ways that linger far longer than the split second it took to lose all progress.
If I allow it.
It just isn’t worth it.
So when faced with the reality that my former spouse isn’t signing the divorce papers, I had a choice to make. I chose to not let it affect me. And then I spent the day battling its rabid desire to affect me. In the past the stress would have spilled over to the dudes. And I would have likely wrapped the night with a glass of wine (sugar) and a smoke (toxins) just to insure that the vibrational energy of all that exists around me was sufficiently lowered to match mine, which by that time matched his.
Since ditching wine (Except for special occasions like the impressive and playful annual Bolinas Museum Benefit this past weekend – I wish annual meant monthly.) and cigarettes, I’ve had an easier time of maintaining an optimistic, genuinely happy spirit regardless of the circumstances that swirl around me. No secret as to why. Making healthy choices, showing my body that I love and admire it, raises my vibrational energy. I can feel deeply how these choices affect me – I am able to really experience the power and lightness of being present and vulnerable and alive.
I dig it!
Raising my vibrational energy and consciously guarding it by living by my own boundaries (not boundaries imposed on others) leaves me feeling steady and sure, quietly confident, not frazzled by an Ego that wants to create drama so it can revel in it. Not burdened by life but dazzled by it.
It’s not hard to see how breaking unhealthy habits is good for the body and the soul. But what about breaking connections with people? It’s not always easy to see that someone is negatively impacting your vibrational energy. (I may have to shorten vibrational energy to vibe.) Sometimes we feel obligated to remain friends with someone that leaves us feeling depleted, or we’re locked in a marriage with someone who overtly or subtly dims our light so their own shines brighter. We make excuses for them and hope that it feels better next time. We suck it up.
I’m reminded of a question I posed regarding wounded children, brought about by pondering the reason for Mr. Viking to come limping into my life. Who takes care of the wounded children? Isn’t there something beautiful in helping someone along their path?
It depends on the intention.
At the time, with Mr. Viking, my Ego was still in the game. I thought I was having fun, but in hindsight I was welcoming a distraction. I was swinging on the pendulum. It was fun the way cotton candy is nourishing.
But what I started to notice was how I really felt while spending time with him, or after having spent time with him. The use of the word really is really, really important. I felt my vibe tank. Shame, but it’s true.
Many of us moving through betrayal and divorce have a history of ignoring how we really feel and substitute false feelings so we can ignore the reality of our situations. We let appearances become a priority, pushing our own hearts and souls out of the way so we can rank higher in society, be viewed as our Ego wants to be viewed by those it wants to impress. Go for the sugar rush instead of the longterm affects of balanced nourishment. Accept the drama as part of life. Ignore the signal that what we are experiencing doesn’t feel good.
That move is an emotional and psychic molotov cocktail.
The one-two punch of ignoring our feelings and creating a false reality knocks our vibe out cold.
…that leads to always wondering…
Am I making the right choice? Am I doing the right thing? Is this going to turn out alright? Will I be okay? Why me? How did I let this happen? What do I do now? Where did these 10 pounds come from?
There’s a song I love by a man I love who vibrated his way right off this planet way too soon – Doubt, by Josh Clayton Felt. He sings,
Doubt can do me in, can do me, Doubt could do me in, could leave me out, Could do me in, could be my end, Could do me in again. Why would anyone ever want to bring you down? You look so beautiful whenever you are way up high.
You can hear it here.
I chose to live it the day my former spouse told me he wasn’t signing the papers at this time.
No more doubt. And don’t let him bring you down when you feel so beautiful way up high.
Had I chosen to call my lawyer and complain to my friends and think fearful thoughts about my future and his intentions and all that totally understandable negativity my vibe would have tanked. From that moment forward I become a magnet for bad crap.
I don’t like bad crap.
Instead, I felt and do believe this: I create my reality. Me. My being, my soul. Not my benched Ego. Who is benched for a reason. Like a busted first round draft pick. I believe the Universe is magic. That life is not designed to be a slog. It’s not without challenges, because if it were then what would be the point? Where would the high fives come from? How would we be happy? Happiness comes from making good choices in tough situations – it’s a fact. It’s also a fact that being able to lead a life of indulgence does not equate to happiness. Honesty, simplicity, and gratitude create happiness.
I drove over the hill Monday, winding my way around Nicasio Reservoir, admiring it as I do each day I’m fortunate enough to be in the midst of west Marin. She never wears the same dress twice. One day it’s fog emerging from the waters, blue sky peeking through billowing puffs of grey illuminated from within by the strongest rays of sun, sand colored slopes dotted with black cows and oaks gathered in the creases of hills – one, alone, shaped like a whale lazily skimming the top of a mountain submerged in mist. On another day it feels like driving through nothing, as if we aren’t moving but the speedometer begs to differ, with thick fog pressing against the windows. Some days the view would make Ansel Adams cry. He might be too moved to even take a photograph.
It’s that magical.
On Monday it wasn’t the view that had me with one eye on the road and one to the sky, it was the vultures, or turkey buzzards as I’ve called them since learning about them back east as a child. For the first time I didn’t say to myself, Oh, it’s just a turkey buzzard, as if it’s a less impressive bird than all the rest. This time they made me take notice with their acrobatic flying, clusters of them catching wind and soaring without effort. Crossing the road and flying up the hillside and swooping back down. I looked left, out my window and one was sailing right along with me, keeping pace with my changing speed. Usually they sit, sniffing for dead bodies. That day they greeted me as I journeyed east, toward the text message that said, I’m not signing.
And this afternoon as I made my way back to Bolinas they escorted me again. By the dozens. After two days of buzzard flyovers I stopped saying, They’re everywhere! and looked up the totem meaning. They had something to say to me. It was on point, but it didn’t fully click until I sat at the keys this evening to finish this post. I was gazing at a picture of one – his legs thrust back in flight, his red head forward, wings spread. And there, below his picture was the word, Cathartes. His scientific name.
Which had a spiritual meaning for me.
The totem meaning contained this and more:
…represents purification…teaches you how to accomplish this through patience and vision. Vultures teach you how to soar without using much energy, how to ride the thermal winds instead of flapping. Go with the flow. Use your own energy powerfully and efficiently…The Vulture promises us that no matter how difficult things are at the moment,
rescue and change are imminent…Soar above the drudgeries of every day life through spirit.
On Monday I made a conscious choice to not accept the invitation, via his lack of action, from my former spouse to lower my vibe. I chose to not engage in battle, not that he was asking me to, nor wanting it. Instead, I believe I am right here, right now, with this very specific set of circumstances so that I can shine. I wanted it to look different than it does, but I accept that it needs to look this way. I trust that I am creating what I need.
I wanted to be divorced before launching this next phase of my life. It seemed so right. A clean break. No tethers to be cut. But it’s not to be. And of all things, a vulture is going to see to it that I give birth under these circumstances.
PS: RIP eyeglasses and printer. Alas, the glasses will need to be replaced. I am currently wearing a pair that has one arm. They lay at an angle on my nose; half the screen is blurred. I can endure a lot, but not this. Apologies for a quiet twitter and FB. Can’t post from my new phone, because new means troubled. I’m working with her, gently.
Maybe what’s happening with your divorce is that your marriage, like the Titanic, is taking its sweet time to slip completely under the water. You are safe in a life boat, looking back at that beautiful, unsinkable ship in her death throes. You boarded her feeling safe, having heard she was indestructible, sure she would get you to your destination. On your journey, you were dazzled by the crystal chandeliers, the stained glass and the comforts of your cabin. But when that iceberg got in your way, you didn’t panic. You leapt into action and SAVED YOURSELF. Those water-tight compartments you heard about? Turned out to be not so water-tight. But instead of standing on the deck, demanding answers from the ships designer, you looked at the big picture and jumped in a lifeboat. And as you sit at a safe distance, the sea like glass, you watch in awe as, deck by deck, smokestack by smokestack, that giant ship slips away. And you realize that if it could be done in by little iceberg, then the design was flawed. No matter how beautiful things were above the waterline, below the waterline is what really matters. And water-tight compartments that allow water to come in will eventually sink the safest of ships. So now you are watching as each light goes out, paying homage, in a way. Very soon, the Carpathia will come with its hot tea, blankets and safety. For the rest of your life, you will feel safe because you are your own hero. You saved yourself.
I’m wordless. And crying. Thank you. In this lifetime I am to save myself. Honor myself. Love myself. It’s clear as a frigid, moonless night at sea under a blanket of silver drops.
I’m so grateful you so perfectly fit these words together. Thank you. You rock.
Ugh.. the first word that comes to mind is ‘control’ . It’s the last thread of ‘control’ that He who shall not be named can ( try to ) exert over you. I remember thinking ‘don’t accept it’s a done deal yet Cleo’ when reading the previous post. Until that little confirmation piece of paper arrives, it’s not a done deal. And here we are. (yes we, all of us are here with you). His reasons may be his own but his motives are there for all to see , including the HDC.. The inquisitive side of my blonde head wonders aloud what she must think of his refusal to let go and move on ( with her? ). No matter, it’s how it effects you that matters and as long as YOU are facing it with head held high, he cannot ‘control’ you. See it for what it is. (mumbles ‘jerk’ under my breath).
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your patience as I get through the queue. The important thing is that it’s not over until it’s that little piece of paper arrives, and even then we are co-parents for life. The COOL thing is that I am no longer emotionally attached to him in any way. My Ego has been demoted, so there is no me VS him anymore. I have seen and felt the benefits of keeping my vibrational energy high and keeping my Ego at bay. I’m not going back now.
Here and now the focus is on boundaries, optimism, keeping my vibe high, proactively creating my experiences with my thoughts and actions, my writings (my time with all of you) and those little morsels, the dudes.
Oh, and climbing that mountain in subzero temps. I wonder how many parkas they’ll let me wear…
Stay close, m’lady. You rock.
You are so strong…so amazing. This post is another indication of what an idiot TG is for all of his actions to date leading him to lose you. I’m sure he is painfully aware of this fact which is why he may be unconsciously putting off signing the divorce papers. In any event, your posts about the ego have been resonating with me lately as I have become acutely aware of the destruction that is borne when we act from the bruised ego. I see the examples of this all around me in instances large and small. What an amazing realization!
Stay on your path and you will be unstoppable!
Sending you oodles of love,
Oh, I adore your comment for its lesson built right into it! Remember, I create my reality. My former spouse is not an idiot – he played a role my soul asked him to play. As I did for him. Your Ego wants to make him the bad guy and me the good girl when we are both souls living a human (and by design flawed) experience. This DOES NOT excuse his behavior or his choices, his lies and deceit. Not at all.
When we bench the Ego it becomes clear that it’s not beneficial, helpful or even natural to judge another. We understand on a soul level that we all created a journey that is flawed by design. As we all adjust our vibe accordingly we repel and attract. While I can have compassion for my former spouse I cannot engage in a relationship that goes beyond co-parenting because my vibe repels his. As his journey progresses perhaps that fact will change. But I can chose to not judge him.
Thank you for your love and support and for taking the time to comment. As I write I reweave these ideas deeper into my core, helping me to naturally exist as one without Ego. That’s a sweet spot I’m aiming for, m’lady. I love that you’re aiming for it too.
Cleo -from start to finish- a perfect post to describe our lives, our choices, and our responses in this uncoupling journey. Benching the Ego is the best thing that can happen to any of us and opens us up to a different kind of love without judgement.
I am on this path alone since my former spouse seems to be choosing to simply opt out. Since we are not yet divorced and the process has stalled, I am required to spend more time, more effort, and more money with my lawyer to untether these lines. His journey and mine are so different now but I am calm and centered. Your words resonate with me. Thank you for your support to me.
You are glowing, realizing the benefits of infidelity and divorce. I am so happy for you, M. You are present in the moment, where gratitude rules and magic happens. Now, off you go to read what i just posted! You’ve been with me here at HGM for awhile. I’m certain beyond six months. If that period of time has passed you may be one form away from being divorced. Perhaps that will energetically untangle the other mess, or not. But you will no longer be in limbo.
So grateful you are here.
BTW….I am going thru my older eyeglass frames to give away to my friends. I am an eyeglass whore, my only obsession. They are in great shape and I have several pairs. Bring them to costco and get new lenses.
Willing to share if you’d like to see next time you’re in central Marin.
How sweet of you to offer! I most certainly would love to take you up on that, primarily to meet a neighbor. You may also want to consider http://www.yerdle.com It’s a fantastic site developed over a long weekend in Bolinas where people give things away for free. Cool things. Thule car racks and counter mixers and rocking horses and…I’m sure killer eyeglasses from a self-described eyeglass whore. My goodness, I LOVE that!
Thank you m’lady!
“On Monday I made a conscious choice to not accept the invitation, via his lack of action, from my former spouse to lower my vibe. I chose to not engage in battle, not that he was asking me to, nor wanting it. Instead, I believe I am right here, right now, with this very specific set of circumstances so that I can shine. I wanted it to look different than it does, but I accept that it needs to look this way.”
Oh, I love this! I want to needlepoint it on a pillow or something. As a recovering negativeaholic, I appreciate – beyond my ability to adequately describe – your positive, open-hearted response to life. I strive for it everyday – that choice to accept and embrace that which comes my way without my endless beotching about it.
For too long, I figuratively kept my nails long so I could scamper up trees and ward off predators. These days my nails are trimmed and I no longer run away. Living courageously takes a lot of cajones (and for me, near constant prayer), but, man, the peace found in it, is awesome.
You have my steady prayers and the most positive thoughts that this delay in your divorce will result in abundance so plentiful, so rich, that you will look back and be overjoyed it took place.
You are a peach, Cleo, truly you are.
Thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to comment, L. A peach…I love that! And your wishes for me – this delay is an opportunity. The rewards are already being felt. It’s magic.
For those choosing to live courageously, and without Ego, I concur with L that it takes constant effort – like holding a plank. Until it becomes completely natural. So natural you’d need courage to stop living that way. I promise.
Stay close – I love your spirit.
I have been reading your blog for a while and want you to know that you are inspiring me on my own journey through this awful thing called divorce. I too am waiting for my final papers. I understand that it is simply a formality as I already am divorced in my heart. I know it sounds silly but my divorce being final marks the beginning of a life the universe always intended me to live. I just wasn’t listening. I had my own version of the pocket call a little more than a year ago.
Alot has happened since then. I loved your comment about honesty, simplicity and gratitude creating happiness. It is so true! I have tried to be very honest with myself about this experience. The truth is….if this had not happened to me, I would probably have lived the rest of my life in an unhappy marriage. I would have sacrificed myself to protect those that I love from being unhappy. Because of the divorce I was forced to sell my home, I am now in a small apartment. It has been so liberating. I love my new space. It is all mine and I have all that I need. I was forced to get rid of alot of things that had accumulated over the years. It has simplified my life in so many ways! As for gratitude…..I have been shown in so many ways this past year how truly supported and loved I am by my amazing family and friends. I will never take that for granted! I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life. Keep on writing and I will keep on reading. This hasn’t been easy but like you, I have been transformed…..and I am never going back. I will love myself always!!!
I am standing up, putting down my fork crammed with beets and quinoa, and I am jumping for joy! Along with that list of magnificent changes, might I add that you have quieted your Ego? If you hadn’t you could be seeing all those changes in a much different light. Maybe, just maybe, you were meant to be divorced all along. So that you could feel this, be here, right now, in this very way. Because without experiencing the pain of betrayal and divorce I don’t believe we would be relishing that which would have felt like a burden while married.
You do love yourself, and you so deserve it. I am SO happy and moved and filled with delight! Thank you for taking the time to comment and for sharing with us your magical view of life after betrayal and divorce. You’re an inspiration. Stay close…
My dear C, why isn’t your former spouse signing the papers?
Kudos to you on your continued journey
I appreciate the inquiry but prefer to not answer since the reasons are his and not for me to announce to the world. It’s best. I can say that I highly recommend bringing a divorce to a swift conclusion. I wanted to sign in August. There was no good reason for not signing. But people had holidays planned and he was traveling for work. The agreement was put together by him, so I can say that the delay is not due to a request on my end. On the contrary, I conceded on a few expensive points I did not need to agree to based on what those familiar with the courts in CA have told me. In the end the money wasn’t as important as moving on.
I should have listened to my intuition. A lesson I needed to learn. Consider me a graduate now! Thank you for being here, K, and for your support.
Pineapple Chick says
As always, you are thoughtful and measured with your actions and words. As I prepare for a vacation I repeat the same actions time and again…. A week or so beforehand I will choose all my clothes, shoes, reading materials, and whatever else I deem necessary to ensure a fabu trip. I spend the next couple of days thinking I should take this pair of shoes out of the travel pile (I should replace them with a pair that goes with anything!) or add that necklace ( I’m sure we are going to go to a special restaurant for supper… We usually end up in local pub-type establishment!) I like to think that I am going to alter my travel luggage, but inevitably I usually end up packing my favorite “go-to” outfits, shoes, magazines, jewelry, etc. I am comfortable with my packed bag and everything inside. I don’t feel the need to impress anyone but myself when we are away. I want to love everything about the vacation, so I pack the things I love to have with me on the journey. Emotionally speaking, I suspect you are in the same place. You have everything out and ready to go. You don’t feel the need to change your plans or the way you are now living your life, but you can quickly and easily throw everything together once the agreement is signed. You know you will be happy as a clam with what you have laid out in the past two years. The boys, your health, strong family support, kittens everywhere, a clean conscience and a love of yourself on the magical journey of life…. You have been packing for this journey for over two years now. You know you will have your favorite things with you and it’s time to gather them up in your arms and begin the journey!
Flight Number Cleo is now boarding…. We have to earn our wings every day!
My first thought…are you sitting next to me on this flight? Cuz if you are I’m wearing armor. The last time I sat next to you on a plane you tattooed me with your fingernails.
Or are you a better passenger these days?
Just today, as I slid that paperwork under the window at the county courthouse I thought to myself, Don’t rush. If I’m feeling rushed I will miss the magic – I won’t see the opportunities, I will overshoot the runway, I will become tense…my vibe will tank. So, I’ve got it all laid out. But I don’t have to rush to pack. Thank you for pointing my nose in that direction. I needed it.
Have a wonderful holiday, P. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here.
Hi Cleo: I have been reading your site for a week now.
There is a lot to read and I am not patient!
I have a few questions, if you don’t mind:
1.Is there a month when/if you state that your former is still with his mistress? This is, after all, a story, so I am curious, though I will still read all the posts, I’m really searching for that one.
2.I don’t understand what kind of work former did – your mother was afraid that he would cheat because he was in a certain kind of work. Are you unable to state what kind of work? Your Mum is so bright.
3.If your former would have wanted to immediately work on things, counseling, group, marriage counseling, workshops and said that he loved you and family more than his fantasy or stupidity, would you have found it in your heart to work it out or would it still be just done?
I hope these aren’t too personal.
I had to laugh when I read your last sentence. I’ve told you things that are WAY more personal than your questions in the posts here at HGM.
So – here goes…
As far as I know my former spouse is still with his mistress. They live hours apart, so they aren’t co-habitating. But according to the tall dude, she’s going to marry him when her youngest child goes to college…which is in about 10 years.
My Mum is bright in many ways- a ray of sunshine, smart, intuitive, and a lighthouse when I so needed to find shore. I choose not to be specific regarding his line of work to protect his privacy and the privacy of the dudes. I have no desire to draw attention to his identity or the identity of the dudes. What I can say is that anyone who travels for large chunks of time is presented with lots of opportunity to stray, which doesn’t mean that stay-at-home spouses don’t cheat. I’ve seen the hook-ups at Starbucks and heard the stories of at-home Dads spending loads of nap time with at-home Moms.
I would have tried to work through it until I found out the extent of his infidelity. For someone to be able to live a double life for so long, easily lying thousands of times, it would have been a disservice to me as a person to stay. Through leaving and being on this post-betrayal journey, I have come to learn that I created this reality. Without leaving I would not be who I am which is a much more spiritually centered, calm, aware, happy person. I am so happy.
But some spouses choose to stay. Because it’s exactly right for their journey. That’s what is important – to discover what your spirit needs, free from human fears and desires.
I am so grateful you took the time to comment and that you found HGM. Yes, there is a lot to read! Over 200,000 words in the posts alone. That’s two big books, m’lady. You better get some water. And some popcorn. Last night I discovered how tasty smoked paprika is on popcorn – my tip for you! Stay close…
I am now four years post-filing, with no agreement in sight. I understand wanting to be done, having some sort of finality to the whole thing, but signed paperwork is not going to give me wings. The degree to which I let the uncertainty intrude into my life is in my own hands; it is not with the certainty of facts that I find myself comfortable, but the willingness to live with ambiguity.
Like you I have two children, like your husband, mine engaged in lying and affairs, and like you, I have had to learn about setting healthy boundaries. We are each responsible for our actions, we don’t get to choose all the consequences of those actions. All you can do is move forward with integrity. And it seems that is one of your healthy boundaries for living your life. Good luck.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Love this: “We are each responsible for our actions, we don’t get to choose all the consequences of those actions. All you can do is move forward with integrity.” This is so helpful – when I hear for the millionth time that I should ‘be this way’ or ‘do that’ I’m going to remember your words. We don’t get to choose the consequences for our actions. I don’t have to be anything other than honest and act with integrity.
Over the last few months, after benching my Ego who believes ambiguity to be a death sentence, I’ve enjoyed the anticipation of unknown events and encounters. There are lots of surprises ahead, daily surprises and bursts of magic. The divorce is a known. It will happen. It’s the other stuff I’m really excited about! Thank you for being here, A. Stay close…
Tammy McDaniel says
I am almost two months beyond finding someone else’s underwear in my husband’s travel laundry, and still in that dreaded limbo stage of not knowing where this is headed. I had to post because I have been bombarded with turkey buzzards lately. They have been circling my neighborhood and flying above my car. During a conversation with my neighbor today she commented on how weird it was to see so many flying overhead. I went inside and looked up the animal totem and was pleased to see they were not the omen of misery that I imagined. I moved to the next post in your blog and here they are again! I can feel how important it is for me to really pay attention here. Thanks so much for your honesty and your genuine spirit. I’m glad I found my way to your inspirational words. I am still in October 2013 here and I cannot wait to catch up to the present.
Cleo Everest says
T, Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here. Underwear in the laundry…do you wonder if she planted it? Just curious. You can facebook me on that one. Back to the coolest part of your comment – You realize how important it is for you to pay attention to the signs! It is SO important! Thank you for giving your time to read my words. I’m grateful they resonate. No spoiler alerts here, m’lady! BUt, should you find your way back to this comment, I hope you consider joining me on the Weekly Call. We put the lessons learned in the blog into daily practice. Details at cleoeverest.com Love yourself, Cleo
No wonder you’re all divorced.. Power animals and s**t What the eff is up with that? Psychos
Cleo Everest says
M, The deal with animals is that connecting with them helps people work through emotional trauma. Maybe you’ve heard of this? You know, like having dogs come visit those in hospice. They help us to learn more about ourselves, soothe and heal our emotional wounds, and in the case of totem animals, they can provide guidance. I’d rather get my guidance from nature than anywhere else. Then there are the native Indians who made every move on this planet in alignment with nature and the animals. Yea, they didn’t have cars and iPhones and stuff, but they lived in peace with abundance in all aspects of their lives. Until those smart Europeans came with their “new way” of living. Often those with psychotic disorders can’t connect with animals, much less people. Perhaps if they took their mind off themselves and connected with the beauty of an owl for just a day they would feel more grounded. Thanks for chiming in – you confirm for me the beauty of my chosen path. Love yourself, Cleo