Good thing I didn’t have a divorce party. We would have laughed, cried, tipped back a few. Opened gifts (Does one bring a gift to a divorce party?) and oohed and aahed. And today I would be rewrapping them, if we didn’t drink them, and dropping them off on your doorsteps because my former spouse isn’t signing the divorce papers for reasons that are his own, likely guided by his collaborative (in the way our government is collaborative) attorney. The specifics aren’t worth the keystrokes. What matters is this:
The only entity that doesn’t consider me divorced is the United States Government. And given they are so inept as to have to shut down because their Egos are more important than results, I simply don’t care what they think. (I do believe that I shouldn’t have to pay taxes while they are closed, however.)
Unconsciously, I’ve been preparing for this. Over the last few weeks I have been hyper aware of my vibrational energy and the vibrational energy of others. This awareness has led me to ponder many encounters in my recent past and what I need to create for myself at this time in my journey. In recreating how certain situations made me feel in the moment, how they made me think, I’ve realized how quickly vibrational energy can flatline. I’ve taken note of how the vibrational energy of others has affected my decision making, leading me to make choices that have become lessons. Choices that have slowed me down. This pondering of late has convinced me of one very crucial thing:
In an instant my vibrational energy can be dropped from on high to land pancaked, like Flat Stanley, affecting me in costly ways that linger far longer than the split second it took to lose all progress.
If I allow it.
It just isn’t worth it.
So when faced with the reality that my former spouse isn’t signing the divorce papers, I had a choice to make. I chose to not let it affect me. And then I spent the day battling its rabid desire to affect me. In the past the stress would have spilled over to the dudes. And I would have likely wrapped the night with a glass of wine (sugar) and a smoke (toxins) just to insure that the vibrational energy of all that exists around me was sufficiently lowered to match mine, which by that time matched his.
Since ditching wine (Except for special occasions like the impressive and playful annual Bolinas Museum Benefit this past weekend – I wish annual meant monthly.) and cigarettes, I’ve had an easier time of maintaining an optimistic, genuinely happy spirit regardless of the circumstances that swirl around me. No secret as to why. Making healthy choices, showing my body that I love and admire it, raises my vibrational energy. I can feel deeply how these choices affect me – I am able to really experience the power and lightness of being present and vulnerable and alive.
I dig it!
Raising my vibrational energy and consciously guarding it by living by my own boundaries (not boundaries imposed on others) leaves me feeling steady and sure, quietly confident, not frazzled by an Ego that wants to create drama so it can revel in it. Not burdened by life but dazzled by it.
It’s not hard to see how breaking unhealthy habits is good for the body and the soul. But what about breaking connections with people? It’s not always easy to see that someone is negatively impacting your vibrational energy. (I may have to shorten vibrational energy to vibe.) Sometimes we feel obligated to remain friends with someone that leaves us feeling depleted, or we’re locked in a marriage with someone who overtly or subtly dims our light so their own shines brighter. We make excuses for them and hope that it feels better next time. We suck it up.
I’m reminded of a question I posed regarding wounded children, brought about by pondering the reason for Mr. Viking to come limping into my life. Who takes care of the wounded children? Isn’t there something beautiful in helping someone along their path?
It depends on the intention.
At the time, with Mr. Viking, my Ego was still in the game. I thought I was having fun, but in hindsight I was welcoming a distraction. I was swinging on the pendulum. It was fun the way cotton candy is nourishing.
But what I started to notice was how I really felt while spending time with him, or after having spent time with him. The use of the word really is really, really important. I felt my vibe tank. Shame, but it’s true.
Many of us moving through betrayal and divorce have a history of ignoring how we really feel and substitute false feelings so we can ignore the reality of our situations. We let appearances become a priority, pushing our own hearts and souls out of the way so we can rank higher in society, be viewed as our Ego wants to be viewed by those it wants to impress. Go for the sugar rush instead of the longterm affects of balanced nourishment. Accept the drama as part of life. Ignore the signal that what we are experiencing doesn’t feel good.
That move is an emotional and psychic molotov cocktail.
The one-two punch of ignoring our feelings and creating a false reality knocks our vibe out cold.
…that leads to always wondering…
Am I making the right choice? Am I doing the right thing? Is this going to turn out alright? Will I be okay? Why me? How did I let this happen? What do I do now? Where did these 10 pounds come from?
There’s a song I love by a man I love who vibrated his way right off this planet way too soon – Doubt, by Josh Clayton Felt. He sings,
Doubt can do me in, can do me, Doubt could do me in, could leave me out, Could do me in, could be my end, Could do me in again. Why would anyone ever want to bring you down? You look so beautiful whenever you are way up high.
You can hear it here.
I chose to live it the day my former spouse told me he wasn’t signing the papers at this time.
No more doubt. And don’t let him bring you down when you feel so beautiful way up high.
Had I chosen to call my lawyer and complain to my friends and think fearful thoughts about my future and his intentions and all that totally understandable negativity my vibe would have tanked. From that moment forward I become a magnet for bad crap.
I don’t like bad crap.
Instead, I felt and do believe this: I create my reality. Me. My being, my soul. Not my benched Ego. Who is benched for a reason. Like a busted first round draft pick. I believe the Universe is magic. That life is not designed to be a slog. It’s not without challenges, because if it were then what would be the point? Where would the high fives come from? How would we be happy? Happiness comes from making good choices in tough situations – it’s a fact. It’s also a fact that being able to lead a life of indulgence does not equate to happiness. Honesty, simplicity, and gratitude create happiness.
I drove over the hill Monday, winding my way around Nicasio Reservoir, admiring it as I do each day I’m fortunate enough to be in the midst of west Marin. She never wears the same dress twice. One day it’s fog emerging from the waters, blue sky peeking through billowing puffs of grey illuminated from within by the strongest rays of sun, sand colored slopes dotted with black cows and oaks gathered in the creases of hills – one, alone, shaped like a whale lazily skimming the top of a mountain submerged in mist. On another day it feels like driving through nothing, as if we aren’t moving but the speedometer begs to differ, with thick fog pressing against the windows. Some days the view would make Ansel Adams cry. He might be too moved to even take a photograph.
It’s that magical.
On Monday it wasn’t the view that had me with one eye on the road and one to the sky, it was the vultures, or turkey buzzards as I’ve called them since learning about them back east as a child. For the first time I didn’t say to myself, Oh, it’s just a turkey buzzard, as if it’s a less impressive bird than all the rest. This time they made me take notice with their acrobatic flying, clusters of them catching wind and soaring without effort. Crossing the road and flying up the hillside and swooping back down. I looked left, out my window and one was sailing right along with me, keeping pace with my changing speed. Usually they sit, sniffing for dead bodies. That day they greeted me as I journeyed east, toward the text message that said, I’m not signing.
And this afternoon as I made my way back to Bolinas they escorted me again. By the dozens. After two days of buzzard flyovers I stopped saying, They’re everywhere! and looked up the totem meaning. They had something to say to me. It was on point, but it didn’t fully click until I sat at the keys this evening to finish this post. I was gazing at a picture of one – his legs thrust back in flight, his red head forward, wings spread. And there, below his picture was the word, Cathartes. His scientific name.
Which had a spiritual meaning for me.
The totem meaning contained this and more:
…represents purification…teaches you how to accomplish this through patience and vision. Vultures teach you how to soar without using much energy, how to ride the thermal winds instead of flapping. Go with the flow. Use your own energy powerfully and efficiently…The Vulture promises us that no matter how difficult things are at the moment,
rescue and change are imminent…Soar above the drudgeries of every day life through spirit.
On Monday I made a conscious choice to not accept the invitation, via his lack of action, from my former spouse to lower my vibe. I chose to not engage in battle, not that he was asking me to, nor wanting it. Instead, I believe I am right here, right now, with this very specific set of circumstances so that I can shine. I wanted it to look different than it does, but I accept that it needs to look this way. I trust that I am creating what I need.
I wanted to be divorced before launching this next phase of my life. It seemed so right. A clean break. No tethers to be cut. But it’s not to be. And of all things, a vulture is going to see to it that I give birth under these circumstances.
PS: RIP eyeglasses and printer. Alas, the glasses will need to be replaced. I am currently wearing a pair that has one arm. They lay at an angle on my nose; half the screen is blurred. I can endure a lot, but not this. Apologies for a quiet twitter and FB. Can’t post from my new phone, because new means troubled. I’m working with her, gently.