I had a massive epiphany while attempting to weed the curb area of my home. It was time, both for the epiphany and the weeding. My new neighbors were sure to rue the day I moved in if I didn’t pay some attention to the landscaping. Speaking of which, I need to get a bikini wax.
Anyway, the epiphany. I fall in love with souls. Not people, souls. This is a problem. It wouldn’t be a problem if we lived on some other plane where souls were souls and Earth was of no concern, and we all floated around telepathically communicating with each other. But we live here, on the blue marble. As people. With flaws and quirks and hang-ups and anger and insecurity and envy and confusion and one massive ego that wants to be the star of the show.
Cole, in The Sixth Sense, saw dead people. Well, I don’t see live people. Not all, just some. Those I fall in love with. I see their souls instead. I see their end game, who they are hoping to become, and I want them to get there so badly. I see what role I can play in that quest. When I see who they can become, and how priceless and beautiful that creation is, I want to be a part of that journey.
The problem is I’m falling in love with who they can become on a journey they may choose not to take.
As I gently placed the ladybugs back on plants that would benefit from their visit, and continued on my quest to weed with gusto, I looked back on the three really serious relationships I had, including The Genius. It’s clear that I fell in love with the souls of men, and not the men themselves. There were red flags with each one that I overlooked because I believed each man was going to fill their karma cup by lowering those flags, folding them, and burning them. For themselves, for me, for their soul. I saw the red flags as the very aspects of themselves that they were here to focus on, learn from, understand better, deal with. And I assumed they would. Maybe they will. They’re all still alive. But our relationships are not. It will be hard not to be pissed if they do complete their journey and become the brilliant people I glimpsed. That I won’t get to share in that is disappointing.
I remember a time in January, just before finding out The Genius’ affair was a four year monster, when we held each other and I looked through his eyes right to his soul. What I saw was beautiful.
“I love your soul.”
We held tight and cried. I didn’t love him as a person, but I loved his soul. I hadn’t thought about that experience until just now. It confirms my epiphany. And, that I’m slow on the uptake. 3 months to figure this out. I’d like to move faster than that.
I want to stop falling in love with souls. I want to fall in love with people instead. I don’t want to hang my hat on what ifs but rather on what is. I don’t want to look at a man and think of the promise of what could be but rather to see who he is, as he is, right here, right now. Imperfections and all.
Problem #2: I don’t deal well with imperfections. They intimidate me. They scare me. That’s a problem, given we all have them. I find that I don’t know what’s an acceptable imperfection and what is destined to derail a relationship. I really don’t know. I mean, obviously if the guy is a raging addict who likes to have orgies, that’s going to pose an insurmountable set of problems. I can walk away from that. But it’s never that clear. Especially, it seems, with the men I find myself drawn to. The imperfections are more subtle, and in some cases even attractive.
So how do you know which flaws are okay and which are relationship killers? How do you change the way you fall in love, after all these years?
After I had decided to write about my epiphany, about how I fall in love, I received this comment from S, because she’s practically psychic:
“When you decide to love again, do you think you’d like to fall in love or experience love the same way? Have your views changed on how love is done at all?”
S, I can’t fall in love the same way. In any respect. I can’t yet express why I find that so upsetting and not freeing. Every time I think of it the tears just flow. I have such a huge heart. I want to love and love and love. But the way I’m doing it isn’t working. And I don’t know how to deprogram myself, break the pattern, so that I can experience a real 3D love. A basic, good old-fashioned blue marble love that’s healthy in all respects. Grounded in the body, not floating out there in the atmosphere, where I seem to be more at ease.
I’m heading to Mt. Tam today to bust out 20 miles. I have much to ponder (I’ll be bringing extra tissues. For those of you that are hoping to find me on a trail just look for the chick who is crying.). I’m a bit stunned over this realization – coming to understand that I fall in love in a way that doesn’t work here. I swear, is there any part of me that isn’t going to need a complete overhaul? (Being a Mom. That one I have down.)
I feel uptight. Tense. Alone. I feel like a dreamer, not grounded in a world that requires it. I feel like I don’t have enough time to figure this one out. That it’s going to be back-breaking work to shred the old patterns, and by then my time will have passed. I’m surprised by the tears I am choking back right now. But the beauty of it is that I welcome these feelings. I’m okay feeling this way right now because I believe in my ability to grow and morph. It might take months, years, but if learning how to love on the blue marble is a key part of my journey then I am confident I can figure it out. I just hope that someone is waiting there for me when I finally do.
Love yourself,
Cleo
*So it’s Saturday morning. And I’ve come to understand that my Friday post may happen on Friday or it may happen on Saturday. So we’re going to call it a weekend post. Sometimes on Friday nights my spirit is elsewhere and the keyboard is gibberish.
*Tonight is the Super Moon. The biggest, fattest, brightest moon of the year. I will be at Stinson Beach watching it rise after leaving it all on Mt. Tam. Wherever you are, I’ll know that we’re all staring at the same beautiful moon. It’s a time for transforming, for reflecting, and for plugging in. I hope you do.
I’m crying my eyes out right now. This resonated so deeply. In a heartbreaking, penetrating, swallow-you-whole kinda way. Have a great hike, Cleo.
P,
I did have a great hike. Thank you. I’m glad the post resonated. It took a long time for me to work through it, but this morning I awoke feeling refreshed an centered. Felt good to work through the emotional pain, stick it out, trust I’ll come to a place of peace and actually arrive there. This isn’t as hard as I thought…sometimes…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m so glad to hear you had a great hike and that your awakening is starting to come together. I’m still floundering. Totally and completely. But watching your growth and unveiling of your wings as they literally unfold before me is inspirational and gives me hope. Thank you.
P,
Stay close. We’re doing this together. What’s inspirational to me is all the support I get here at HGM. So much wisdom and love and food for thought. It’s here for you, too. Mr. Simplicity has often said, Make a Great Day. I hope that you choose to do that tomorrow. A day of no floundering, just fully present and looking for joy in the tiniest things, experiences, encounters.
Thank you for being here and for your kind words.
Love yourself,
Cleo
i understand changing some ways/being more in tune to faults of others to protect yourself from hurt, but please remember your love was true and good, you did nothing wrong here. it was his decision to do what he has done and to continue even if that meant losing his family. what you had was true unconditional love for the Genius – HE MADE THE MISTAKE !!! your love for others shows thru those beautiful green eyes and your perfect smile, your awesome laugh – there are oh so many good men that would pinch themselves to spend a moment with you, let alone the rest of their lives…..No one is perfect, but your pretty darn close to the perfect package, so please don’t change too much of that good thing. Love you Cleo
CR,
First, to those reading this comment, I have paid CR copious amounts of cash to trot out some of my finer features. She neglected to mention my amazing knees, fabulous earlobes and an uncanny ability to whip a hook out of the mouth of a bluefish and have it sail 10 feet behind me only to whip back around and lodge itself in my hand. I know, I know…this is a talent you all aspire to, but it takes great patience to learn how to accomplish such a feat. I’m thinking of taking it on the road. Vaudeville-style.
It may also be of interest to note that CR is the only person commenting on HGM that knows me personally. (That seems odd to say – you all know me SO personally it’s quite amazing to me.) CR has known me for years. Introduced to me by The Genius. So that stuff about almost the perfect package? She knows what she’s talking about. She also knows that I am being completely facetious right now.
Thank you, CR. Love you. Owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m guessing that I’m about five years older than you, I’ve had five significant relationships—and I’m still trying to figure it out and get it right. With each relationship, I take my experience and skills and say “Maybe this one will be the one that works.” But, then some giant surprise wave comes around and knocks me off my feet and there I am on my butt, not knowing what just hit me. I hate to tell you this—but I don’t know if there is a really clear answer to what you’re asking yourself right now—about how to love. In a relationship, you can be careful, smart, ask all the right questions, look for the red flags—but what you can’t do is predict what the other person is going to think, say or do. Have you ever read Pema Chodron? I think she’s got it but it’s really hard to do. It’s about not having expectations and knowing very clearly that you have NO guarantees. Just letting it all be. I’m working on it but I still want the guarantee sometimes. I’m a work in progress…I guess we all are.
I hope you find peace.
J,
I have not read Pema Chodron, but this is the heart of the encounter philosophy:
“It’s about not having expectations and knowing very clearly that you have NO guarantees. Just letting it all be.”
With healthy boundaries we can let go of expectations and outcomes. It is really hard to truly embrace this idea, to live it fully, but I know in my heart that it is the way that is most supportive for me.
“In a relationship, you can be careful, smart, ask all the right questions, look for the red flags—but what you can’t do is predict what the other person is going to think, say or do.” We should also let go of the idea that another person’s actions are the result of something we did, said or didn’t do. That’s what being on an individual journey is all about. And being mindful. Responding not reacting. Loving, not controlling. Letting go of the outcome, having no stake in it. And being free enough to walk away if the relationship does not support you. It’s okay to walk away. (That’s a hard one for me!)
I am learning that repetition is essential for me to be able to embody these ideas and make them a natural part of my being. I need to say it, hear it, read it over and over. Eventually I will live it. Daily. I know it’s possible so it is my quest. Thank you for sharing this with me and giving me thoughts to ponder as I bid farewell to the day.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Yes. THIS. Amen. Me too.
During my last big breakup I discovered its a hugely courageous thing to love in the present, those things in the present – are actually staring you right in the face and you have to be vulnerable and open and in the moment. Which is both frightening and powerful.
Yes, you’re going to love differently when you’re ready, but more richly, more fully, more everything really – because you deserve it and will know it and know you.
You rock,
J
J,
So perfectly said. Thank you. I need to hear these words of wisdom over and over so they are imprinted on my heart. It will get better. I will remain in the flow. Thank you. Love you. Owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
Perhaps in trying to “reprogram” yourself, and how you fall in love, this quote will help. I try to keep it top of mind always.
I believe the source is Maya Angelou. “When somebody shows you who they are, believe them.” Everytime I say, write or read this quote, it stops me in my tracks. So bloody profound.
All too often we believe we can change people. Why? Why not gratefully accept the gift they’ve given us and make our choices based on fact, and not what we wish it to be.
Peace and love,
N
N,
Oh, my! Yes!!! That’s it. In a perfect little sentence. Believe them. I will.
I’m so grateful you are here and that you took the time to share that with me, with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I remember my first, first love many years ago. We had that aching, all consuming breathless love. The heartbreak from his infidelity (repeated) absolutely sucker punched and altered me. I know I never loved the same after him, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. In loving him, I let myself be lost. I convinced myself that after each (and there were at least 5) cheating episode he could change. Wrong. At that time, he was incapable of change. I will never, ever forget the pain but I am so grateful for it. I never loved any one as innocently as I did him, as wholeheartedly — I’m note sure there is a good word for it. The next time I loved (and we love each other still), it was a good man. My love was/is with my eyes open to his flaws and to mine.
Be well.
K,
Some say, Love is blind. And now your eyes are open and you have a healthy love that supports the growth and learning that ought to be taking place throughout our journey here on the blue marble.
I suppose I should be happy that I had the all-consuming love. And should I be fortunate enough to love again, I hope it’s theeasy-going, wow this is so peaceful, joyous and normal love.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and share this with me, with us. It’s the subtle things that all of you share that make the biggest difference in my life.
You all have made such a difference in my life. I am grateful for your presence here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Counter thought: Maybe it will be less work than you think to break habits. Maybe something switched in you and you couldn’t go back to the way attacked love before even if you tried. Maybe your heart is now firmly secured with a fool-proof alarm system possessing a lifetime warranty. Just maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to detect those red flags when they happen and process the information in a fair manner — even when it detects faults.
I also know when you try to make sense of your life using a heart of fear, ideas look small and stifled. Remind yourself when you’re feeling it so you can come to your senses. Eyes of fear cast hallucinations. Not the truth.
S,
“Eyes of fear cast hallucinations. Not the truth.” Let go of fear. Quiet the mind that wants to fixate on it, out of fear.
Something has switched. I know for certain that I won’t fall in love the way I have in the past. My Observer Self won’t let that happen. She’s got her confidence back and found her voice. Trust me, she can bellow.
Thank you for your beautifully written words.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hey Cleo,
It’s good you’re recognizing that the way you have been loving, your patterns, isn’t working too well. That doesn’t mean you won’t have an intense and real love again — you’ll actually have a much more authentic love, one based on what is, not what you want it to be (or hope to make happen), if you can break those patterns.
But I have to disagree with CR — the Genius made the mistake (the affair), but you were a player in it somehow, perhaps even in your patterns of not seeing him for who he was and not the him you wanted to help on his journey. That means you really weren’t paying attention; you have to own that (I did, too).
We are all driven by the patterns of our childhood until we find a new way to be who we are, stripped of the messages and behaviors of our family of origin. The first step is recognition of those patterns. You’re already there!
V,
“…you were a player in it somehow, perhaps even in your patterns of not seeing him for who he was and not the him you wanted to help on his journey. That means you really weren’t paying attention; you have to own that…” Yes, I was. And not just a player, I was a starter! I might have even been the captain of the team. You have hit the nail on the head, my dear. I did not see him for who he was, which takes me back to the post on pedestals. That’s how he felt. Which translates to, I don’t like the person you are now. But if you become this, then we can tango.
I’m on step one. I have a long way to go. As I said in another reply, I have to pace myself. That’s key right now. Slow everything down, be grateful for exactly where I am, and be present.
I have to pay attention. Thank you, V. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
“I feel like I don’t have enough time to figure this one out. That it’s going to be back-breaking work to shred the old patterns, and by then my time will have passed.”
Yeah, that one’s a killer, huh? Here I am in the middle part of my life, starting anew and unearthing all these things about myself (and relationships) that have been buried for too long. The excavation and discovery is actually thrilling. Because it offers so much potential to become more of who I want to be. But geez, the list is long. How can I do it all IN TIME for it to matter?
Well, just accepting who I am is a big part of it, and realizing that I can’t possibly change everything. I mean I don’t want to spend my whole life just trying to create a new ideal me, right? I’d like to actually LIVE a little and be content with myself. Finding someone who will accept me is bigger still. And secondly, just acknowledging that you have what you see as a fatal flaw…how you fall in love, in your case…is actually a huge step down the path of fixing it. Self-awareness will help you immediately in shredding old patterns, as long as you practice that self-awareness regularly. You are already wiser than you were, and when the time comes for it to really matter, you’ll be wiser still, and you’ll act accordingly.
You’ll be fine. We all will. If we let ourselves.
–
K,
I will reread these words often. They help me to understand that I should simplify my world. Not tackle everything all at once. Regularly remind myself to ground in to the earth, and to accept what my world is at this point in my journey here on the blue marble. It’s a beautiful world. I have passions, my beautiful children and family who love me dearly, and an amazingly gorgeous, crazy cool and massive support network here at HGM.
But I want more, K. I want magic. Real magic that comes from clearing out my insides and coming to a place where I am truly whole in every sense. Totally and completely alive.
As with my climb of Mt. Whitney, I need to pace myself. Thank you for sharing your thoughts (so well-written) and for the pep talk. Next time I want to see pom-poms.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh I hear you, girl. I was so excited — giddy even — when I first separated because I felt liberated to start fresh and remake myself. But life has a way of humbling us. You can’t just walk into the Acme Life Store one day and walk out with a shopping bag full of new life pieces. I couldn’t anyway. It’s more like remodeling your kitchen; it takes longer than you ever imagined, and it’s a pain in the butt, but the wait is so worth it. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway.
The meditation is a great idea. I’m starting my own practice, as well. I’m trying not to set unreasonable expectations. But everyone tells me it’ll make a huge difference. So best of luck with that! Big pom-poms over here cheering you on!
– K
Oh I hear you, girl. I was so excited — giddy even — when I first separated because I felt liberated to start fresh and remake myself. But life has a way of humbling us. You can’t just walk into the Acme Life Store one day and walk out with a shopping bag full of new life pieces. I couldn’t anyway. It’s more like remodeling your kitchen; it takes longer than you ever imagined, and it’s a pain in the butt, but the wait is so worth it. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway.
The meditation is a great idea. I’m starting my own practice, as well. I’m trying not to set unreasonable expectations. But everyone tells me it’ll make a huge difference. So best of luck with that! Big pom-poms over here cheering you on!
– K
K,
Thank you, love you, owe you. Especially for pulling out the pom-poms. That must have looked ridiculous!
It is worth the wait. And while humbling, this intense journey we are on, it also provides lots of opportunity for the giddy. Giddy…what an awesome word. Finding new pieces of our life in a whole bunch of different stores is so much more interesting, and the results more spectacular, then going into one store and gathering them up in one swoop.
I wish I liked to shop more…
But I’d rather hike.
Love yourself,
Cleo
We bring all of our experiences with us into present time . . . and I have to say that I would not be the person I am without those experiences, and the man with whom I am spend the present, and hope to spend thae future, has experiences of his own that make him who he is. Thank goodness for that. You will learn from this, adjust (slowly) and look back at some point to this time as necessary. Love the blog.
M,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your kind words about HGM.
“We bring all of our experiences with us into present time…” I picture myself herding all my experiences into a tent pitched on the shores of Limantour. We huddle inside while the wind challenges the tent to remain upright. We are thrilled to be together. They huddle around me like puppies looking for treats. And we talk about the good old times and feel the excitement for our future. I will keep them close always and promise to continue to learn from them.
Slowly…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I recognize that epiphany. It is both a beautiful and damning place to be. Beautiful in the energetic, universal, awe inspiring moment to realize I can see someone’s entire being in an instant. Damning because, damn it, it hurts like hell to deal with the ego and programming baggage someone else decides not to deal with when they come into a relationship. I know I am not perfect. But I am willing to work on the not perfect. I guess I keep expecting someone to meet me halfway, stand up for themselves when I cross a line which makes them uncomfortable, and care enough to do some of their own introspection when I stand up for a line of mine they crossed. But ego may not be capable of that. Programming may not have the will to see its own box. Me, too. Me, too. I am that.
A,
Thank you, again, for taking the time to share with us your words.
Ah, expectations. I’ve found that we can have them of ourselves, but that is where we ought to draw the line. Brings me right back to the beauty of the encounter. I walk on my path, and they walk on theirs. When the paths diverge we bid farewell. If we choose to spend time together I must still remain on my path. Our paths should not converge, but remain parallel. For as long as it suits us. For as long as it brings joy. For as long as it supports each person’s goal of being authentic and honest.
The encounter is magical. It gives two people room to morph and grow without offending or upending the other. I’ve learned that, since this epiphany, in ways that have made me so grateful. It’s freed me up to experience encounters at a time when some may lock their doors and put up the Do Not Enter sign. As a result, I don’t feel fragile. I feel alive.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
Maybe I missed the point of the post, but what screams to me is this: “I fall in love with souls… I see their end game, who they are hoping to become, and I want them to get there so badly.”
I would argue that you don’t see what they want to become. You see what YOU WANT them to become. You want to change them. To fix them. To save them from themselves. You ignore the red flags and flaws because when you “fix” him and then he’ll be exactly what you want. It’s similar to the thing that keeps the woman going back to her abuser. She loves him and thinks she can make him change. She can’t. Ditto, you can’t. Men and women rarely change who they truly are. Sure, some can, but most don’t. If they cheat once, they will again and again and again. If they lie to you once, they will again and again and again. Start looking at what is, not what can be. If you love what is, there and then, your relationship will be strong. If you keep thinking, “oh boy, he’s going to be so great when I help him transform or finish changing” then you are setting yourself up for pain.
I’m trying to catch up on posts. My separation just happened in May/June. Finally over the last few weeks things have calmed down enough for me to read some more. I can’t wait to catch up to this August!
Blessings Cleo!
C,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. And for being here. You are spot on, kitten. I see what I WANT them to become. While that can be spun as a sweet and innocent desire, it’s probably more about control than anything. I have not a deceitful bone in my body, so I’m not suggesting that I am behind the scenes manipulating the players, but it’s control nonetheless.
I’m working hard at letting it all BE. That includes the people who drift in and out of my life. Let them be as they are. And let me be as I am. Let go. Let go. It’s so freeing, but sometimes so hard to do.
I love that you have brought me back to this post. I needed to read your words today. I’m so grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
It’s funny, there’s a saying that goes “Women marry a man hoping to change him, men marry a woman hoping she won’t change. ” In my case, my ex was one of the few that changed. Within 2 months of the marriage, she went from sweet, nice wife to something I didn’t recognize. Sadly I kept committing the sin of forgiveness. Yes, the one who forgave 30 plus men in 4 months sinned in forgiving her during the marriage. Her tirades made everyone miserable. Especially the eldest son. By forgiving it and trying to “change her back”, I was enabling her behavior. Had I had the strength to do the right thing and divorce her in the 90′s, I wouldn’t have had to forgive her in 2012.
C,
Many apologies for the delay in responding to this comment. Sometimes I forget that an additional page exists, where this was comment was located. Talk about living in the moment. And being not so tech-ish, if you’ll accept that.
We can’t turn back the clock, and maybe you were supposed to stay married to her then to get you to here. And here leads somewhere…somewhere you create. It’s all in your hands.
Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo