This comment from Mr. Simplicity deserves its own post. My response to him included gratitude and then a scolding of myself for not having tissues in the car.I sobbed. Tears of gratitude for the gift of life, for the gift of the dudes, for the gift of Mr. Simplicity. (a cold call that started a business relationship that turned into a treasured friendship…you will understand why when you read his words.) In the time it took for me to read his email, my entire take on the childhood of the dudes shifted. It took longer for me to cool off my coffee.We can transform ourselves, the way we see an aspect of our lives, in moments.We are not victims.From Mr. Simplicity:This line in today’s post caused me physical pain in my heart….Out of all the challenges his affair has created, the loss of joy surrounding those magical years in the dudes’ lives is the one I have the hardest time accepting. He stole those years from me.So here is my two cents/tough love:The only way he could have “stolen” those years or memories from you is if had literally killed you, or he refused to impregnate you, and you would have missed the opportunity to have those boys in your life. Those women who were kidnapped in Cleveland and held in that guys house? THEY had years and memories stolen from them.But the fact that he was screwing some woman behind your back does NOT change the life you had or the memories you have of those boys. Yes, he may have ruined the memories of you had of/with HIM but that does not extend beyond him. His betrayal has nothing to do with your boys or your memories of that time with them. Because if you follow that flawed logic, then he stole EVERYTHING during those years. ALL your memories. As if you relationships with Razzle, your mother, me, etc etc all were a “sham” because you would have been acting differently if you knew the “truth” at that time – right? You will drive yourself crazy if you allow yourself to believe that he stole those years, because then EVERYTHING would have been different.He only “stole” those years if YOU believe he did. I am sure you have boxes and boxes (or gigabytes) of photos of your boys. Hours and hours of video. They are all REAL. That really happened. Do NOT allow the fact that he screwed someone else and lied to you somehow negate all those memories of your kids. Because I am telling you, at the end of the day – that is all we have. Those memories. And the fact is, you and he were two different people that came together for a while, and now he is gone. But your boys are OF you. Forever and ever. And this time goes by quick. REAL quick. More quickly than you can imagine – until it is over, or nearing the end.Yes, this is coming from someone who is watching his youngest of three getting ready to graduate from high school in one week. It was just last week that he got his first little league uniform and the week before that he was learning how to stand in his crib and yell, “Milk!”This weekend I saw a guy at the ice cream store with his little girl – about 4 years old – getting all exasperated with her, because she wanted to get up and walk around while eating her ice cream cone. I wanted to grab that guy and shake him awake. “Do you realize that THIS is the moment? Do you realize that if fate blinked, you would give your own life just to see her – one more time – walk down this sidewalk, acting silly and singing her non-sense song while she ate that cone that was melting down her hand – just one more time.”So please, I beg you – do not allow your ex to steal those years or memories. Over the past year you have learned how to live in the moment. But those memories are just as valuable. They are YOURS and no one can take them unless you give them away. They are way, way too precious to do that, or allow that.XOI will never look at those pictures the same way again. You know exactly what I mean. I felt these words deserved their own post. Some kittens don’t make it to the comments section. But we all need to absorb this wisdom.Thank you, MS. You extend yourself for the greater good. You share your wisdom in the best way. You are a natural teacher with no agenda other than to see those around you reach their full potential. You, sir, totally rock.Love yourself,Cleo
About the Author
When I received the Pocket Call and listened to my husband and his mistress order a bottle of wine to take to their room, I took back my life. That very night I stood outside, under the stars, and made a commitment to the Universe and to myself: I will make this the best thing that ever happened to me. From that day forward I’ve been brave. Very brave. HGM is a raw account of how infidelity is changing my world. No real names are used. But everything else is real.
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I cried a little reading this. It’s difficult not to rethink your whole past when you discover the deception of a cheating husband. You feel like everything is built on lies so how can it be real? But your friend is right, I’m not going to let my husband steal those memories.
K,
He is so very right. When I read his words I feel as if I am in the locker room at halftime.
His words speak to the importance of remaining supple. I can chose to be hardened when I look back at the dudes’ childhood or I can be supple and let TG’s choices drift away, freeing me to celebrate the lives of two boys who had absolutely nothing to do with the betrayal. The only thing that was built on lies was the relationship I had with my husband. Not my lies, his. Our children do not deserve to be wrapped up in that mess.
I am so grateful he took the time to write this for me, for us. He’s transformed how I view their childhood. Relief, a great sense of relief.
Thank you for being here, K.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Absorbing…. so needed to read that last night. Re-reading it today, and probably for a lot of days to come. The “one-of-whom-I-do-not-speak” has taken so much already of our life – especially my daughter’s childhood innocence. I will refuse to allow him to destroy our good memories. Absorbing the golden words from Mr. Simplicity and thankful for wisdom from a stranger. Thank you Cleo. May we all absorb to the fullest
D,
I’m so grateful he took the time to write and that his words are helping you.
With love, I have a gentle adjustment to your words – I will refuse to allow me to destroy our good memories.
We were choosing to turn happy memories into sad ones because of our own pain. For all I know, TG looks back on those times with total joy. He’s not the one who was destroying my memories, I was. We’re not responsible for their affairs, but we are responsible for how we deal with the fallout. Our children are innocent and don’t deserve to get lumped into the moral failings of those around them.
Feel light today, D. We’re making HUGE progress!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you for making me cry. No really. Those words, that whole post is PERFECT. I think I love Mr. Simplicity. Thanks for this.
C,
I felt the very same way. His name is at the heart of who he is. We are prone to complicating things, no? I complicated the viewing of pictures of the dudes by attaching it to TG’s adultery. Mr. Simplicity simplified it, as he does so well with everything in life. Your love is well-placed. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your appreciation of his words.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo, Yes, brilliant!!! I could not agree more. I have been thinking about this issue before I read this post. I wanted to respond to you regarding this but did not know quite how to word it, but he nailed it beautifully. I believe fully that in that present moment (which is all we ever have) you/me were happy. Of course we had good days and bad, who doesnt raising little ones…. but the moments were happy and joyful. Just because circumstances have changed and now we can look back in time, does not give us the right to muddle those precious fabulous moments with little ones, based on current info. Love your work
and Mr Simpicitys’
H,
Thank you for your kind words, H. And please bring it on when you see me drifting away from my peaceful present moment to stamp my feet, or pout, or create drama where only laughter needs to be. One of the 50 million best parts of the community at HGM is the willingness of kittens to tough love me. I count on you for that!
I know it is always delivered without an agenda and out of love. I am so grateful to have you here, H. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Luv Mr. Simplicity’s comments….
I also understand that when something like this happens…when you are blind-sided…that it takes awhile to grieve, be angry and let go…you, Cleo have achieved so much growth this past year…
There’s an old saying…You gotta feel it…to heal it.
My diamond popped out of my ring sometime 2 Saturday’s ago…I looked..visualized…dreamed..had my mother do prayers/novena…
and then I realized it was gone…for now.
I allowed myself one day to feel sad and self-pitying (if thats a word) and then I moved on. It’s a thing…a sentimental thing…but, nonetheless a thing.
YOU are dealing with a marriage…a family…I applaud you as you move through this PROCESS….
Through your sharing…others identify and are healing another part of themselves….what a gift we all are to each other.
Blessings and Love….Mr. Simplicity’s comments were really from the heart and very inspiring.
Warmly….xo…JoJo
J,
Oh! I hope by now you have found your diamond. But, if it is lost, its energy is still with you. Sadness asks to be felt so that it can bring forth its message. And, of course, then create the opportunity to feel joy. This is a dual world, and without sadness we can’t experience joy.
The key is to not let it run you, as you so expertly accomplished.
Mr. Simplicity is quite an inspiring man. So very grateful to have him in my life. And very grateful to have you here at HGM.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for you patience as it took me a while to respond! Summer has tossed my schedule around in such a good way.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh my…give Mr. Simplicity a giant hug…even though he has reduced me to a puddle of tears!
A
A,
I should have made it a requirement to grab tissues and hunker down for a good cry before reading his words. His wife and children are very fortunate to have a man who is so emotionally and mentally mature and integrated. One who can give rock solid advice from his heart that also has great logic woven into it. I promise to deliver that hug! Thank you for taking the time to comment, A. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
It struck me, seeing your post pop up in my inbox that the title of your blog is still, “His Giant Mistake.”
Seems to me you have moved light years beyond The Genius, as has your blog. How about, “Her Enormous Success” or something like that? You could even have a contest with your kittens for best title!
Mr. S is a great friend!
L,
He is such a great friend. A reminder to us all that one small encounter can pivot your world. A simple cold call so many years ago…
I’d love to change the title, but I’m not sure about the right way to do it. Every day people find the blog for the first time as they begin the process of dealing with betrayal. For them I’m at square one right alongside as they traverse this rough terrain. Perhaps when the book is released I will toy around with some ideas on the hows. I would love for the title to come from the kittens. You know me and this journey better than I know myself!
This blog has moved well beyond The Genius. I don’t even like typing that anymore. It doesn’t resonate with my heart. Not because I don’t think it’s fair to call him that – it is pretty ridiculous to expertly hide an affair for four years and then have a Pocket Call unravel your entire world. A simple key lock would have kept his secret safe. He’s probably figured that out by now.
It doesn’t feel good because I am fully planted in love. He’s the dudes’ Dad. That’s where he begins and ends for me.
We’ll work on it together, L. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I feel a little different about that time with my ex when we were together and first had kids. I can honestly look back and say I was kidding to think I was in a happy, good and strong relationship when we had the kids and it only got worse after the kids came. He, himself, was/is a child and could never deal with fatherhood. It was only a matter of time before we split up and he move on to someone else (and you guessed it – with their own 2 kids). I’m okay with it all though and that’s because I fulfilled a dream of having children, which I always wanted. Its just the other part of the dream, the part where you live happily ever after with the father of those children, didn’t come true. He was never going to be my ideal man but it happened. I truly believe I was meant to have these particular kids with that person at this time in my life. It’s taken me 18 months to know this. xx
A,
I’m certain you’ve heard this before: But you wouldn’t have had your children! That’s worth all the pain.
I used to mock that statement expressing that it’s my belief that these two souls would have found me on their own. But that’s impossible. Because these two souls, the dudes, wouldn’t be who they are without The Genius helping to create them. And they wouldn’t learn and grow as they are without having him to learn from as they watch him navigate his world.
“I truly believe I was meant to have these particular kids with that person at this time in my life. It’s taken me 18 months to know this.” Me, too.
Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow……is all I can say after reading what MS had to say!
In the last three months I have lost my husband (second marriage of 5 years, within 1 week we went from buying pillows, I love you, kisses on the neck, to……I want a divorce………lets list the house, to me coming home to find he had moved him and his daughter out, then told me over the phone, I’ve been having an affair for 2 years) my family( my son 16, his daughter 14, my daughter 11) my dog( we had 2, he took 1) my home ( sale was final a week ago)
In those 3 months I’ve gone through every emotion possible, and at times done a great job of the “poor me” It has/is a constant struggle to feel like I haven’t wasted 5 years of my life. I know my lesson with this was to trust myself. I can’t tell you how many times my gut went off only to be told “it’s your trust issues” and I was more then happy to own his words. I did that not him, but you can bet THIS time I finally got it! I will never, not trust me!
I know I will still have my days of “how did this happen, this is not where I wanted to be, I hate him, I hate her, why me, how could he do this” and the next time I do…I will be back here to read the words of MS. You are blessed to have him in your life. He does a great job of holding up the mirror to you. Thank you for sharing his message to you, and also to you for writing this blog. You have no idea how this has helped me on many sleepless nights over the past three months!
Thanks to you both!
T,
Amazing words, no? I’m so grateful he was cool with having them shared.
Divorce is brutal. Betrayal takes it to a whole ‘nother level. I’m grateful you found HGM and that in the posts and comments you are finding inspiration. Trust yourself. And LOVE YOURSELF. During a date with yourself, on a quiet evening with the perfect meal and beverage of your choosing, tell her that you do trust her. And that you do love her. And that together you make the perfect team. Together you will see why you chose to create this situation in your life (we create that which we live) and then you will find the magic.
I went on a hike with a kitten one day and she said, I don’t see my divorce as a failed marriage. I see it as the perfect ending to something that needed an ending.
Embrace what has happened. It requires such bravery, but do you know how beautiful bravery is? So very beautiful. You, having been blessed to be alive at this most perfect time in the history of this planet, are beautiful. Stay close, T. We’ll always be here, through the climbs and descents and everything bend in between.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m so glad he took the time to say that to you, and that you are listening. I was thinking very much along the same lines when I read what you had written. I was actually both perturbed and a bit eye-rolly that you would view your memories of your kids that way, as it gave the Genius power. Power that he does not deserve.
S,
Mr. Simplicity removed a lens through which I gazed at those pics of the dudes. I knew the lens was there, but was unwilling to remove it because it would let TG off the hook. To celebrate those days without seeing his betrayal in them was the equivalent of giving him a free pass. I wasn’t willing to let go. Until MS and his samurai sword came in challenged me to do it. I’m grateful that it only took his words and my willingness to release to free me of that bad habit. It’s hard though, S. It’s really, really hard to view a snapshot of that time and not go there. For four years I lived in a false reality.
But now I only embrace the truth and beauty that was alive at the same time. The joy of having these two beautiful spirits with me in this lifetime. I finally feel free to celebrate their childhood – which the three of us deserve to do. It was long, difficult road, S. I’m grateful you are on it with me. And I want to build a statue to honor Mr. Simplicity.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I find myself telling my kids about little good memories I have from the 23 years “Richard the Brave” and I were together. In spite of his current state of narcissistic douchebaggery we did have good times and there are pleasant memories. I want my kids to know there was love and fun and silly stuff going on before he made choices that only benefitted himself. The good news is the love and fun and silly stuff will continue even though he’s not around to enjoy and appreciate it. I hope my kids look back on their experiences as a great time in their life and don’t let the fact that it was during a time of major upheaval sully their memories.
I don’t even feel sad or wistful when I talk about the good times gone by. I feel sorry for him for being such a dummy and walking away from it all.
D,
Such grounded (and funny!) words. I haven’t let myself go back and revisit the good times for my benefit, but I have been weaving them into my conversations with the dudes. I want them to know that while they were young they were celebrating life.
Like you, I also feel sorry for The Genius for throwing away a great friendship, one he’d be hard-pressed to duplicate given the fact that we created children together. A conversation before having an affair would have saved that friendship. Those who cheat bear a lifelong burden of guilt and shame, even if they can’t admit it.
Mr. Simplicity has reminded me of the importance of unconditional love. Not giving away myself, but sending love to all. You are doing that. Thank you for being here and sharing with us the way you have chosen to raise your children, post-betrayal. Bravo!
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m a little behind in readying this post. It popped up on the home page for me this morning.
I know these words were for you, but I hear them loud and clear. I’m sobbing. What a true gift these words are for the betrayed. I have been feeling this way – making a connection of his affair to what was going on with the kids’ life at that moment. This reminds me they are not connected in anyway. I was there. Living each moment with them and I was so happy. It’s time to take my happiness back (ITS IN ME!) and keep enjoying these moments. My little gifts that keep giving when everything else is in such turmoil.
T, Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here. Mr. Simplicity spoke a perfect monologue here. Our cheating spouses DO NOT deserve the power or attention that is given to them if we choose to “honor” their actions during that time over the life of our child during that time. By that I mean – a smile, a new word, a footstep, a sloppy, drooly kiss is WAY MORE IMPORTANT than some morally bankrupt man’s choice to act like a child. I’ll take the actual child over the man child ANY DAY. Never again, after reading these words, will I attach a moment of my children’s lives to the gross behavior of The Genius. This post was a game changer for me. It freed me from a ton of self-imposed pity and sadness. I’m grateful you found it. Stay close…Love yourself, Cleo