38,018 feet exists between me and terra firma at this very moment. It feels good to be up here. So good, I am one of the few that don’t want this flight to end. There are, however, two reasons I want to land: to see the dudes and to get on a mountain.
Whatever malaise I’ve allowed to blanket me these past several weeks will be set free over the Sierras, in about 600 miles. I do need to get to the root of it, but so many of you gorgeous beings have said lately, Let go, relax, chill. So I’m just going to let go and be a little unconscious for a bit.
Unconscious in a good way.
Doesn’t mean I’m not going to ponder and get all excavation-ish. I’m just going to stop trying to figure out why I’ve had to fight so much to get organized, be excited to work out, get enthusiastic about encounters and generally be super present, instead of wanting to drift off into space, alone.
Or drift down to the canyons of Utah that pass by my window. If it wasn’t for the dudes I’d want to be hiking at the base of those red giants right now. Their crests streaked with yellow bands of time lit by a setting sun. Like ribbon candy, they bend and curve but are not supple. The conditions there are as harsh as those here, where it is -82 degrees Fahrenheit. I crave being there. Being tested. Being worked over by nature because we both want to see what I’m made of.
So instead of getting all heavy, I’m going to pretend I’ve already figured it out. That I know exactly why I’ve been feeling anxious. Why nearly 10 pounds have somehow crept onto my frame. (UGH.) Why I am not enthusiastic for anything outside of being here with you and loving the dudes. Note I didn’t say that I’m enthusiastic about building legos, playing hide and seek, climbing trees, going on adventures, things I love to do. Just loving them. I just want to hold them in my arms on my dark blue, shell-shaped couch where I can pretend I’m a mermaid and they are my underwater sentries.
I am not morose. I had an amazing time with my family celebrating one phenomenal woman, although being in the East is not a good fit for my spirit. (Sorry all my east coast kittens! It’s not a judgment on your side of the country, but rather a fact about my present needs.) There is excitement on the horizon. I am healthy. My family is healthy and happy.
But something is clearly off and I know exactly what to do.
Fake it. Fake it like it’s fine.
What about all that authenticity? Honesty? Willingness to expose all my weaknesses and the errors of my ways?
I’m still going to do that, but I’m faking the rest right now. Instead of seeking, seeking, seeking, I’m playing hard to get. In the past I’ve been taken by surprise when I least expected it, so here goes!
I’m gonna get coy.
Kind of like yesterday when my Mom got to see me spontaneously burst into tears. I was responding to a comment on the last post when, without any intention, I made a direct hit on something huge. This is the bulk of it in response to K:
Choice. The power of choice. Freedom to choose. No one makes my choices for me. If I allow that to happen, that, too, is a choice I make.
I choose to be responsible for my emotions, actions, moods and choices. (This is big…man, I hope I can weave this into my fiber beginning now!) Along with the responsibility, I must also accept the consequences. So, as I make choices, I am going to ask myself, Are you comfortable with the consequences of your choices? Is this the right choice? Not just the feel good choice but the right choice?
I remember walking on the fire on top of that mountain in Virginia and hearing Melissa say, Don’t rush, consciously place your feet on the (red hot) embers. Somewhere along the way since my move to Bolinas I have begun rushing. I’ve lost my way. I am happy. But beneath the surface is anxiety. I am choosing to allow the emotions of another to affect me. There’s no pointing fingers there. But I’m not comfortable with the consequences – anxiety, tension, fear.
So I am choosing to not allow the emotions of TG affect me. They exist. They aren’t mine. This may sound like I’m trying to be funny, but it’s a good way for me to look at this: I’m a little busy to take on those emotions. He has someone else for that now.
Wow! I just figured out why I do it! As a wife I felt it was my responsibility. I’M NOT A WIFE ANYMORE!!!!!!
K, you best have patted your back, scratched behind your ears and given yourself a decadent treat. You altered my path in the most beautiful way.
I AM NOT A WIFE. I am not responsible for his emotions anymore. To be accurate here, he never asked me to be responsible for them. I took it on. That’s a control move. Not something to be proud of or to repeat at any time in the future. I cannot be responsible for any person’s emotions but my own.
(I am now on terra firma. Back in Bo. I half expected to walk in to the cottage, through a fog of cigar smoke as a gaggle of arachnids sat around the kitchen table playing Go Fish. Alas, only a dog and cat greeted me. I did not feign disappointment.)
Like the separation between church and state, there is now a crevasse that separates me and TG. The only ladder linking us is that for our children. And that is a beautiful ladder. I am so grateful to have the dudes and am grateful to TG for being part of their creation, for without him there wouldn’t be them.
That is where the link ends.
Mantras are powerful. SO powerful. Using them is like programming the human spirit. Using them will help me deprogram, untie the cords that tether me emotionally to TG.
I am one. BeautiFULLY whole, as I am.
I am one. BeautiFULLY whole as I am.
I am one. BeautiFULLY whole as I am.
Loving myself fully frees me to love unconditionally.
Loving myself fully frees me to love unconditionally.
Loving myself fully frees me to love unconditionally.
I choose how I feel, and I choose to feel joy.
I choose how I feel, and I choose to feel joy.
I choose how I feel, and I choose to feel joy.
Mmmmmm….that felt good.
Tonight I shall crawl into bed and dream of Mt. Everest and those who rest on her shoulders as they prepare for the window to summit. They inspire me, as do all of you. Inspiration is what I seek as I right myself.
Because all is right. With each breath life is unfolding as it is intended.
Perfectly.
I love you all.
Love yourself,
Cleo
…This is an exciting time to read about those on Mt. Everest. If you have the urge check out some blogs. And please take a moment to follow me on twitter and sign up for the blog feed. It will only take a moment (just look up to the right) to sign up and then fun, fun, fun till forever. I promise. LY
Now you’re getting it. It just takes time, as I said at the very beginning, recounting my own experience with divorce. See you in the skies…M.
M,
It felt good to be back in the skies. Such a beautiful sight. The clouds were magnificent today.
Thank you, M. For teaching me to be patient. It’s all going to be okay. I am so very blessed. And grateful to have you on board.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Yay, you’re back! I mean that on so many levels
N,
Yay, is right! I feel playful for the first time in months. I’ve been determined, focused, brave, vulnerable…but I haven’t been playful.
I am as frisky and playful as a kitten. Thank you for celebrating that with me. I adore you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thanks Cleo. Choice, responsibility, boundaries, and mantras seems like all we need to get by.
While navigating through these confusing days of betrayal and separation, with my ex trying to be ‘my friend’ I said to my therapist ‘I don’t know what I am to him’. She replied, ‘but what are you to yourself?’ Boy, did that throw me! It was kinda like the old ‘if a tree falls in the forest….’ question. I really could not fathom what she meant. What AM I to myself? Not a wife any longer, no one’s life companion, no one’s ‘help mate’. I know that I am SLOWLY creating a new me but I don’t know who she is or who she will become. Endings and beginnings merge…..
M,
Whoa – what a rich question to ponder. What are you to yourself? Our choices define us. Who are we to ourselves? Who do we choose to be and what will our choices say about us?
We can choose to be excited about who we will become. If we choose to be excited, our actions will support that choice.
Take the time to ponder…
Love yourself,
Cleo
What a great question to consider! I feel like this is incredibly important homework for so many of us.
H,
Ponder away!
Love yourself,
Cleo
I used to love flying! Back in the day (not so long ago) when we weren’t packed like sardines and subjected to abuse from beginning to end.
But I still love flying and I love a window seat! I can stare and stare and stare at the magnificent Godly view….oh Utah! And the Mississippi River!
I was an Environmental Studies major at Cal State Hayward. My major was selected by so few back then (80′s) that they connected us with the Geography Dept. Which was a totally great thing.
I remember reading an essay about how airplane travel changed our view of the world. I can’t find the link, but I never ever tire of looking out the window. Ever. Even now.
Welcome back to California, Cleo. And that ten pounds–fergetaboutit already! You are perfect just the way you are.
I,ll be back with more – since we are in an uncanny way on the same path
But this is all you will need right now :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olSyCLJU3O0
Love,embrace yourself and go with the flow…
S,
Ugghhh! I just remembered – Apple upgraded its operating system, and I am on one that Flash no longer supports. A new computer is NOT in the budget, so I am without the ability to watch video. I have a computer that works perfectly, yet apparently others have decided it is no longer worth it. Maybe when I get nominated to do a Ted Talk (I would so love to do that) I will be able to buy a new computer. I promise to archive these suggestions and watch when I am able. Thank you for thinking of us and for being here. You are loved.
Love yourself,
Cleo
This was a very interesting article, I read it twice to get a full grasp on it. I completely felt your heart in this post and it was amazing. Enjoy your clouds and be happy with each and every day you have.
C,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here. My heart feels so safe here. And loved. I’m so grateful to have a place where I can be vulnerable and work it all out with the support of the most beautiful souls ever born. Clouds, fog and kittens – perfect together.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Me again. For all my sisters- blossoming mermaids. Have a glass of wine (it,s a long one 55 min
and listen :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Xk3Yeb4huM0
Let,s love ourselves,
S
S,
You delicious crepe! Oh, how I miss crepes. With maple syrup and scrambled eggs. No finer breakfast (except for those with pork roll) has been crafted. I will watch soon. Thank you for being here and sharing this link with us. Blow a kiss to my adopted homeland. And to you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Former NJ girl now living in Marin.
Be sure to pick up today’s NY Times. There is an article in the magazine section about Marin. Haven’t read the entire article as I am about to get on a plane (in Newark!) But I see a photo of Stinson Beach.
Can’t wait to get back to Marin.
God created earth for all mankind, but he created Marin for himself.
E,
What a fabulous line: God created earth for all mankind, but he created Marin for himself.
I missed getting the NYT. I’ll track it down online. I hope they didn’t make Marin TOO attractive!
So many Jersey girls have made their way here. The best of the east comes west. Best move ever. Thank you for taking the time to comment and welcome home!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Happy Mother’s Day to you and to all the kittens. I just want to say a huge thank you to all of you. Sometimes when the turn my life has taken just seems like too much to bear I think of all of your going through THE SAME THING and get the little boost I need to carry me though. Thank god for the Internet!
M,
Happy Mother’s Day to you, too! I am so grateful for the gathering of beautiful beings here, ready to support in any way, as we learn to let go, love ourselves, remain playful and look for magic. I feel a responsibility to myself and all of you to make the most of this opportunity, no matter how upending it can sometimes feel.
Thank you for being here, M.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
What freedom from carrying those emotions of TG. I never realized i was doing it too! How could I miss that huge heavy burden! I have been carrying around and “mourning” his lost relationships with his kids. Mourning how much he is misding, instead of ME enjoying the moment with them. No more! I am not carrying his emotions.
And as a side note, as the HDC’s friends/family understand what is going on, and not being pleased and being judgemental (she’s still married with two small kids) and he is “upset” – i do not take that emotion- nor frankly care.
In my meditation today, i had the vision of a big garden, and the concept came to me, that God’ garden of life IS big enough for the two of us to exist without being smothered by each other. What a peaceful realization.
Cleo, i hope on the mountain top you can find that grounding, and vision that the world is bigger (you talk about that) and can find peace.
Love ya-
E
E,
What beautiful realizations! Thank you for taking the time to comment and share this with us.
I did exactly as you suggested while on Mt. Tam yesterday. The world is LARGE. And layered. We can lift ourselves up to view the goings on from above. I find that helps to keep everything in perspective. Gazed upon from above, moods, emotions and upheaval all have their purpose. They may not feel good in the moment, but they are leading us to where we need to go. If we meet them the right way. Compassionately and without fear. We can look back down along the path we’ve already traversed and see how these challenges have made our lives richer, our appreciation for the gift of life more sincere.
This process of divorce is as much about ending the union as it is about discovering our lessons in how we as individuals lead our lives. It’s a blessing, but that I expect is not felt for some time.
Thank you for being here, E.
Love yourself,
Cleo