The mind is a terrible thing to waste. It can convince you of anything. And desperately wants to. It can convince you that you are telling the truth even when you’re not. That you are not in denial. That you’ve done what you had to do to survive. It cheers you on when it should be slapping you upside the head. It won’t quiet down, because quiet means death.
Everybody was happy!
So says Genius after our therapy session. For real. What am I supposed to do with that? How do I make headway with this man when he believes that he made everyone happy – me, the children, The Happy Dance Chick, himself? For the first time since the Pocket Call kicked off this whole journey I realized I was dealing with someone who was all mind and no soul, in my non-professional opinion. Sure, it was clear that he had been lying in dramatic fashion for months, but it hadn’t occurred to me that he was sans soul!
Genius’ mind was working overtime to convince him that he had done the right thing. That by having an affair – because I created a void in him that he had to fill – HE was making everyone happy. What a guy! How selfless!
How narcissistic.
He was proud of how he was able to lead a double life. Chest-puffed-out kind of proud. It made him feel like a man. When I looked at him I saw his body, and then I saw his Ego looming behind him, with a sick grin plastered on its bloated face.
I thought back to the night of the Pocket Call and how we spoke about closing on our new home the next morning. I had Power of Attorney to complete the transaction in his absence. He was speaking with our lender to make sure all the funds were in place, texting me to keep me posted on what I was to do the next day. All while sitting across the table from The Happy Dance Chick, sharing wine and getting ready to go rock each others world on their backs. And this was cool for the both of them? It didn’t feel completely dirty and gross?
Honestly, I can’t comprehend it. I cannot imagine being either one of them. Two people who are married with children, deciding that it’s good for the both of them to lie to their families, sip wine and gaze lovingly into each others eyes, while Genius prepares to buy a house with his wife, and The Happy Dance Chick bats her eyes at him adoringly, believing that he is her man.
He is all mind and no man. With a dead heart. And she is an idiot.
The Happy Dance Chick’s mind convinced her that even though Genius was lying daily to me and our children, he would never lie to her. Never. He was her man! Her mind concocted a fairytale that never took into consideration that the happy ending included her winning the prize of being with a liar who had no morals, no conscience and had put his family in a very precarious and dangerous position. But he’d never do anything like that to her. He loved her.
Genius’ mind convinced him that he was Big Man on Campus. A mover and a shaker who had been blessed with the good fortune of having a wife/nanny at home who took care of everything so he could be with his mistress. His mind convinced him that he deserved to have it all! He worked hard, damn it! He earned it. It was his right to “fill the void”. And he was going to do it the right way.
We played by the rules. We committed to never leave our spouses.
Clearly, by moving forward with the purchase of a new home for our family, he had no intention of giving up either one of us.
But that was about to change. Because, guess what! He wasn’t done lying. Even though his mind convinced him he was.
This is a great post. I’m about 18 months past finding out about my husband’s affair. We tried to reconcile but our “Happy Dance Chick” was relentless and I couldn’t comptere — they stayed together. However, he’s now cheated on her with three other woman that I know of. And, we’re finally separating. I still believe reconcilation is possible for people dealing with an affair but not when the lies are continuing and certainly not when the betrayer can’t see the absolute harm caused.
“However, he?s now cheated on her with three other woman that I know of.” Shocking, right? Whoa…big stunner there! Cracks me up. I’m starting to think that it’s best to go through this life on a solo path and treat encounters, no matter how long or brief, with great respect. Treasure them. But don’t give your self over to a “relationship”. I’ll explore this more in a post in the near future. I find it a fascinating way to look at being relational. Honestly, why are we so freaking hell-bent on being in relationships as a society? It seems a bit too all-consuming. I want to be The Most Interesting Girl in the World (the counterpart to the Stay Thirsty guy) – love many, belong to none. Thanks for taking the time to write. I hope you stay with me on this journey.
-Cleo
I’m starting to think that it’s best to go through this life on a solo path and treat encounters, no matter how long or brief, with great respect. Treasure them. But don’t give your self over to a “relationship”.
Couldn’t agree with you more. Do you still feel this way 3 months later? It took me a while to come to this conclusion.
T,
I do. It’s crucial for my spirit to walk on this path alone. But we’re social beings. We grow through encounters. One or more of those encounters may become heady, rich, and long-term. I’m spending a great deal of my pondering time trying to come to understand how I can be present in an encounter, fully experience it, yet not lose myself in it. There are many layers to this. How do you make someone else the priority in life without losing yourself? Is it selfish to make myself the priority? How can everyone be the priority?
I think I’m going to make you all my priority.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You are SO inspiring. Thank you.
J,
You are so kind to say that. Thank you. And now I feel inspired! See how that works?
Love yourself,
Cleo
This post really got to me for its accuracy. I have been through a similar kind of situation – I was led on in a relationship for almost 10 years by someone who I trusted more than I trusted myself, and it turned out to all just be a big lie. With me, I was just shocked. How do you lie to someone for that long? About LIKING someone for that long? And why would you get so caught up in their life and their family and friends when you’re just lying about everything? It just baffled me. But that’s the thing – that person was a narcissist, simple as that.
You REALLY hit the mark here talking about the mind of those types of people and their narcissism. Narcissists are so frightening to me – they have no emotion, no empathy, no sensitivity… all the things that make us human, they lack. They’re one Bret Easton Ellis novel away from being straight up psychotic sociopaths. It’s so frightening. And dealing with those people is possibly the most difficult thing in the world.
You are SO on the mark about the mind being able to convince itself of anything – of course, for us NORMAL people, our hearts, our souls, our morals, and our consciences come into play if the mind is getting a little carried away. But that doesn’t happen with narcissists. What I’ve learned is that narcissists must always see themselves as victims, even if they’re responsible for something falling apart. Actually – what am I saying – ESPECIALLY if they’re responsible for something falling apart. They are always the victim. ALWAYS. And their ego is seriously a living entity of its own – it doesn’t matter if they have to delude themselves of living in a world where they have done nothing wrong… sure, to us they seem crazy, but all they care about is themselves, and they look fine in their own opinion. It’s sickening how much those people can lie to themselves, and it’s frightening how easily they believe it. I mean, I can lie to myself that I look like Linda Evangelista, but one of these days when I look in the mirror, I’m going to see ME lol. A part of me would be like, “Girlllll, for real Come on now!” But a narcissist would seriously see Linda Evangelista. And then they are so stubborn on believing that lie that they deem as truth – they will defend it until they’re blue in the face and they breathe their last breath. It’s so frustrating, and you’re never going to win with them. As you so perfectly put it, these types of people are “all mind and no soul”… but even then, the QUALITY of their mind is f’n shot, so what do they really even have, right. They’re mere shells of what it is to be human… knockoff clones trying to get that ‘humanity’ thing right, but failing miserably at it.
Thank you for this blog! You are such an amazing writer and you have put into words what so many people have probably been trying to figure out for a while now in their own lives. Please know that at the end of it all, you are a great person. Not because you donate to a million charities, or because you are a mother, or because you held open the door for an old man yesterday… no, you are a great person because you RESPECT YOURSELF and you do it without DISrespecting others in the process. Sounds easy, but it’s not. It’s actually one of the hardest things in the world. It’s easy for you because you are genuine. There’s so many narcissists in this world, more than we’d think, so it’s refreshing to see someone real out there in the big, bad world. I’m so utterly sorry that you’ve had to go through all this crap, but I’m sure that you consider it a huge learning experience, which is the right way to look at it anyway. And you know that you’re better off without him, of course.
And hey, if all else fails, you should know that you’re such a great writer, you can always start writing novels as a career path change if you need one!
Jen!
What a great comment. I bet your fingers didn’t stop typing the whole time. It feels like it was ripped out in seconds! I’m all jacked up from simply reading it. Well done, m’lady. A few stunners:
“someone who I trusted more than I trusted myself” Self: We gots to get on the same page, no?
“But a narcissist would seriously see Linda Evangelista.” I pictured The Genius standing in front of the mirror seeing Linda Evangelista and rolled in laughter. What a hilarious image.
“you are a great person because you RESPECT YOURSELF and you do it without DISrespecting others in the process.” Respect and love. As essential to the soul as water is to the body.
I love the way you write. As for me, writing is my calling. My love. My life. My most favorite thing to do. It will be how I spend my days. I hope you will always be there to read the words that come.
Love yourself, you funny, beautiful girl…
Cleo
Sorry for my ramblings, but I forgot to mention this: Have you heard about how the psychiatric community is taking Narcissistic Personality Disorder out of the DSM? So it’s not a disorder anymore. Here’s a link from 2010 about it:
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/11/29/narcissism-no-longer-a-psychiatric-disorder/
Talk about losing hope in the world lol. So now because narcissism is so wide-spread, it’s considered ‘normal.’ Once again, especially in these times, it’s so refreshing seeing that there are still real people somewhere in the world, like you. I say all the real people in the world start our own Illuminati… The Realluminati!
Jen,
That is so not surprising and very convenient, no? Make anything wrong less wrong. Infidelity? Please. Everybody does it! Lighten up! Narcissism? Come on. My parents taught me to love myself. It’s not a disorder!
It is comforting to know that while many are on a morally corrupt/narcissistic/all-around icky slippery slope path, many are not. It’s been in balance for some time. But can you feel the shift? I can through HGM alone. Heart-centered people are taking the reigns and galloping forth, leaving those who are disconnected from their true purpose in the dust, wondering where it all went wrong.
I want a seat at the Realluminati Table!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Narcissists are especially scary when they’re well-known and/or recognized as experts/genuises/super cool guys.
There is a sense of entitlement there. To a normal person it sounds outrageous that a guy should be able to have a wife and a mistress. But to some guys, they feel entitled. They feel that society wink-winks at the behavior to an extent, and that because they’re such extraordinary men, they are doing nothing wrong.
B,
So true, so true. I’m glad to have him out of my space so that there’s some air for me to breath.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You know how they were able to sit there while you were on the phone talking about the house & the power of attorney and the rest of it, and not feel gross? Because 1) he is an egomaniac and 2) she has low expectations. He thinks he’s doing nothing wrong (and everything right) and she doesn’t think she’s worth getting more than being someone’s bit on the side.
S,
Why mess with perfection? Your comment is a direct hit. Thank you. I will reread this one many times over.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Speaking of “Perfection” I also loved this book, “Perfection” by Julie Metz. Metz discovered that her husband had been cheating on, with several different women, including a long-running affair with a neighbor – but she learned about this after he died, suddenly, of a heart attack (poetic). I got it at the SF Public Library. http://www.perfectionbook.com/. It is extremely well-written, Metz is a beautiful writer.