Earlier in the week, I had a conversation with a woman who was feeling insecure in her relationship. Her revelation, and the fact that she was sharing it with me, came as a surprise to us both. I listened with an open heart and a soft gaze. Within moments I was crying. She was taken aback by my tears, as was I. Where were these heavy drops of water coming from? I felt disconnected from them and couldn’t explain their arrival.
I’m crying for you, and for everyone who is feeling this way. I’m crying for everyone who is fearing the worst.
She didn’t know what to say, but her eyes spoke for her. She was afraid of something that hadn’t happened, wasn’t going to happen…unless she fed her fear enough to give it the power to create her worst fear – losing her husband. She was acting as if it had already happened. She also knew that there was no rational explanation for her fear, but there existed many scenarios in her life that could tip bad. Just as they could tip good. The human mind’s tendency to want zero in on the pitfalls, going where it feels it’s needed, feeds the fear, turning the pitfalls into guaranteed outcomes. Because she didn’t speak up, it festered. It left her short-tempered with her husband, creating space between them. She wasn’t seeing the beauty of the life they were creating but how terribly wrecked her life would be if she lost it all, lost her husband.
Thoughts become things.
We all experience times when we feel insecure. Even as I get stronger, feeling more secure in who I am daily, I still feel insecure. It creeps inside without a ripple, setting up house, kicking back, hands behind its head, hoping I won’t notice. And then it coughs up fear all over my core. I shut down. Close myself off. Retreat. With my head in my hands, protecting it from the shrapnel blowing out from the black hole of fear.
I wanted to tell her to let go of the fear, to not feed it. Because if fed it will never leave, like a stray cat. Fear paralyzes, like the sting from a Tarantula hawk, a small wasp that can take down a large, furry arachnid with one bite. Fear is vapor until we give it a sheet to wear. Then it becomes a ghost, haunting us from the inside, convincing us it’s bigger than we are are, when it is simply still vapor under a bed sheet. Fear unravels the connections in our brain, rewiring us to see doom where others see challenges to work through, opportunities to achieve and looks forward to reveling in the successes that are sure to be had.
The words I chose to sooth her were as awkward as our conversation, carelessly strung together and likely created more questions than answers for her. Which may have been the perfect outcome. For me, this conversation stripped away the membrane from a deeply buried part of me that wanted to remain hidden.
That is what I realized this evening as I dried myself off after a swim on a cold Marin night.
I forced myself to go to the pool. It’s cold here now. I have ten-thousand things to do. But if I don’t swim I will not be able to think straight. Just before getting in the car, I picked the tall dude’s bike up off the garage floor, reached through the bars, past the chains, to the kickstand. I grabbed it, and it bit me back, taking off the whole pad of my thumb. Blood streamed down my hand. My finger went numb. But, unfortunately, came screaming back to life, throbbing and burning as if it had been branded by a hot iron. I ran inside and grabbed a waterproof band-aid and a paper towel.
The dudes wanted to see the cut. I unwrapped my thumb and showed it to them as they sat strapped into their car seats.
Oh, Mama, put it away! I don’t want to see that! The little dude discovered the sight of blood made him ill and clamped his little hands over his ocean blue eyes.
Wow, Mommy. You really cut yourself. See? That’s why I ask for emergency kits all the time. So I can take care of you.
The tall dude is obsessed with emergency kits. And with consumerism in general. He’d buy the air we breath for free if someone would sell it to him. I was grateful he talked me into buying the expensive waterproof band-aids, however.
Nothing was going to keep me from this swim. It had been a very strange week. A week that needed a mile in the water to make sense of it all.
With lap one I began pulling the threads. An unexpected and deeply personal revelation during an encounter with a person I barely know about fear, and a conversation the next morning with my attorney, which resulted in me fearing that I wasn’t in control. That others were determining my fate. That The Genius was trying to prevent me from being able to write. That all the talk about women being in the catbird seat in divorce was pure folly. That the contract we signed in our collaborative divorce was already broken twice by The Genius yet no one was making him accountable…for the millionth time in his life.
I paced the kitchen after that call, around the table once, twice, thirty times. My breathing was labored. I felt drained. And that fed the fear.
I’ll sell the house, break even, and if I’m lucky I’ll move into a two bedroom condo. What am I going to do with a ninety pound dog in a two bedroom condo? It’ll probably be wall-to-wall carpeting. The exact thing the shelter said would not work with High Maintenance Kitty. Whatever you do, never leave a rug down because he will poo on it.
Great. My bedroom, AKA the couch, will be central command for his sphincter. Sleep will be rarefied as he’s a nocturnal beast, prone to sitting on my head and getting his needle claws stuck in my nostrils. My back will be wrecked. Which will screw up my mood and my swimming. How am I going to be able to create best-selling magic in cramped quarters, with dudes bouncing off walls that are set far too close to each other, and me apologizing profusely for my ever-barking guard dog who will fear that every other resident is a burglar?
This prick screws me over (sorry, Mom) for four years and he gets the 3 bedroom house while I live in a two bedroom condo, if I score. A one bedroom if I don’t. Cat-bird seat. Yea. Except I’m the bird and I’m staring at the inside of a cat’s stomach.
In the middle of the day I called Ms. Pulitzer, something I never do. She makes busy look like hibernation.
Do you have a minute?
Yea. Call me in 5.
I set the timer and paced some more.
For the first five minutes of our call I unloaded all the what ifs until she stopped me cold. (The following is paraphrased. To get the full effect, know that she was a war photographer. Crisis is her happy hour.)
Look. There’s two ways to see this situation. You can get caught up in the bulls…tuff of square footage and packing boxes or you can look at it as an adventure. You can make it ugly or make it work for you. You can let him have the power or you can realize that he has none when it comes to you, unless you allow it to happen.
You can wallow in the problems or solve them. Who do you want to be? A problem solver or a problem swine?
I half-expected her to say, Drop and give me twenty!
You can let yourself be knocked off course and forever rue the day you gave up on your dreams or you can realize that no one can take your dreams away from you. You have to hand them over, if you so choose.
Do you want to hand your dreams over to him?
Now, this isn’t about HIM. (Just like my conversation with the woman I barely knew wasn’t about her husband cheating on her but about her own fear that she isn’t loveable.) You won’t succeed if you do it to spite him. You’ll succeed because you deserve it and you believe you deserve it. And because you are capable of doing it, so it’s your responsibility to do what you are absolutely capable of doing. You’ll find a home and make it work. It’s temporary. Don’t screw up a completely livable situation by making it something it’s not. You’re not being banished to the cardboard boxes under the overpass.
Be wary of allowing your mind to worry about a situation you fear, because if it gets a free pass to create what you fear, it will create what you fear.
Twice during my opening monologue I winced at my own words. A very large part of me knew that this was the easy way out. Bitch. Moan. Throw up hands. Go ahead, keep using me.
The easy way and the ugly way.
The better way is to forgo the drama and see this as my next Mt. Whitney, my next adventure. When I look at what needs to be accomplish in the coming weeks, it’s all doable. No one’s asking me to write a dissertation on Dark Matter by Tuesday. I have to wrap stuff in newspaper and put it in boxes, pack up clothes, clean floors, paint walls, and get ready to live someplace new. And write. And train.
Then I’ll move and won’t have to cut the lawn, or weed the gardens, or apologize profusely to plants I am not qualified to maintain, who suffer as a result.
I need to pause…
I just realized I feel guilty for never loving this house. On top of that, I see only betrayal when I think about our house back east, the one we built, where we raised our children. That’s unfair to the house. I’m going to think about the times I was in that house alone and alone with the children to keep those memories alive and shining brightly. I am really looking forward to being in a home that has no history with The Genius. As long as it’s not infested with Type A arachnids, I’m cool. A kitten said, This will be a breath of fresh air.
I pulled myself out of the pool, into the 55 degree air, and wrapped up in a frigid towel that was dry, but so cold it felt wet, before sitting on a chair and gazing at a blackening sky. The first stars were burning through the night. I pondered Ms. Pulitzer’s words and the shift they caused in me, as if she were a surgeon piercing and draining a deeply imbedded cyst. I felt cleansed. Her words were direct hits to a small pocket in my core where I wanted to keep a little well-fed fear hidden, just in case I wanted to wimp out. I showed some of it to her and she came at it with a scalpel, cut it free and threw it over her shoulder, all the while telling me to get to work and expect the best.
My thumb ached. It was still bleeding. An image of the Universe and me pressing our cut thumbs together, mixing blood, blew past me. We made a pact. I promised to live up to my potential and the Universe promised that there’s nothing to fear and every reason to smile.
Ms. Pulitzer delivered her Knute Rockne half-time speech to me on Wednesday, November 7th, exactly one year to the day that I searched for the word Love in The Genius’ skype application. As a matter of fact, it was nearly to the hour.
A cycle has come to an end. An intense encounter led to a resurgence of fear which led to a deep cascade of sadness, then help coming from all directions, which stirred my compassion for others experiencing betrayal, leaving me inspired, confident, and happy to be me.
There is nothing to fear. This whole experience will be an adventure, I will allow my adventurous spirit to thrive. I won’t bog it down with what ifs and how will I’s. At this stage, fear is a cop out. A scattered mind is lazy. A mind in control is in the wrong seat. It needs to be looking over my heart’s shoulder. That little pocket of fear that Ms. Pulitzer ousted was malignant and threatening to spread. On the anniversary of the discovery of The Genius’ affair, I let go of the last remaining muck. There’s no more muck.
There’s stuff to do.
And this, this I thought I would never say:
There’s no reason to be cold to The Genius. I can just be me. It’s requires so much less effort.
I am excited to say that I feel proud right now. It feels like I’m living what I write fully, with no hidden snacks of fear or shots of woe-is-me to down. I’m not putting on a game face, I’m game.
That’s exactly what all those squirrels were trying to tell me on Mt. Tam on Monday. They screamed it at me for five hours. But I interpreted their presence as a call to hunker down, stock the pantry, get ready for a callous winter. Because that’s the mind frame I was in. Instead, their message is to…drum roll…
Let go! And play. It’s not about gathering provisions, it’s about flying through the air without fear, landing on a branch with a squeak and springing off, confident another successful landing awaits.
Thank you for your patience as this post percolated. Often they take some time to coalesce. I also want to thank you for the many emails, tweets and comments filled with ideas and love and witty humor. I am forever in awe of your kindness. In the early morning hours on Monday I’ll be looking for meteors that push their way across the sky before bursting like fireworks. The Taurids arrive this weekend, the main act as a sliver of moon looks on from the horizon. I’ve always wanted to see a meteor storm while peeking out of a sleeping bag, the sound of the Pacific like dinner music, there to enhance the overall experience. This weekend the dudes and I will get it done, with cocoa. As we gaze at the sky I will be pondering how blessed I am to live in this most perfect time in our Universe’s history, and how blessed I am to be here with so many remarkable, magical, loveable, beautiful beings.
Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I think it is hard no to come from a place of fear after going through what you/I/we have- but you’re right, you can’t live there. I also think it’s true that if you settle into fear you can absolutely manifest the very thing that frightens you. I remember kind of snapping at a friend who was trying to help by saying, “Everything is going to work out- everything is going to be fine!” and my response was something like, “There is absolutely, based on how the past two years have gone, NO evidence to support that!!!!” I was convinced of the worst possible outcome- no job, crappy apartment, alone. Then I realized the worst would be to still be married, living a lie. To be going through life with no peripheral vision in my marriage, believing the dog and pony show that was being sold to me. That’s the worst. Is everything ideal right now? No. But I believe in my ability to build a better life for me and my kids, and there are a LOT of people who have it harder than I do. I can’t wait to see what life you build for yourself and your little guys- because it is going to be Spectacular. I know it. xo
L,
Bravo! Your spirit rings true, rings loud, rings beautifully. We are better off being on our own, out from under the wet wool of betrayal. Yes, it’s hard. Loads of unknowns. But I, like you, would rather be here than still living a life that was a total lie, a life of lies that were fed to me like the broth of truth.
We make our choices. I have finally arrived to the place where I am simply me. The choices others make require that I respond, but I don’t have to be anything other than who I am. Which is a woman who is happy, content, and ready to dig deep to succeed! So much to be grateful for that to wallow in muck is like slapping the Universe in the face. Not happening.
When we expect great things, great things happen. It may sound all fromage, but it’s complete truth. Thank you for writing words that I need to read. You are a beautiful soul, L. Tres beautiful.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Right. Back. Atcha.
xo
L
Your words are so close to what is going on in my head. Its so hard to get anyone who has never experienced this to understand. The easy road is to accept or believe it was not what it is. When you deny you erase the problem instead of correcting it. I am truly heartbroken, but not so in the ordinary way. I would rather be broken alone too.
M,
So true! It’s essential to take the time to look back, go back, turn inward, and uncover the truth. Our hearts may have been broken, yes. But broken open is way more magical than padlocked shut. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here, M.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I don’t know who said this, but it seems appropriate here:
“Worrying is like dreaming for things you don’t want.”
Mr. S,
Perfectly put. Thank you, you total gift of a human being.
Love yourself,
Cleo
“Worrying is like dreaming for things you don’t want.”
Holy moly.
L
“Worrying is like dreaming for things you don’t want.”
Holy moly.
L
Holy Simplicity. Dude nails it. Every single time.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Word.
This post just gave me a bit of boost that was so desperately needed. First I want to say that I hope all your family here in Jersey (I’m pretty sure you said this is where they live) made it through the hurricane ok! Where I live (pt pleasant/mantoloking area) we unfortunately didn’t. Thank God the damage I personally suffered was slight in comparison to others. But I lost among other things, a job I was training to begin this coming week because of our power loss. It was an online training class and they’ve been great and I will eventually get into another class but I’m pretty certain they’re not going to be giving me an advance in pay. My point here is that my version of your genius never even called to see if our son was ok and did I need any help. NOT that I expected him too, or his disgusting family, but I’ve been overwhelmed and really stressed and really sad and feeling really alone and even a little scared. I don’t want to give in to any of those emotions and I worry about making sure that me and my son will be ok. Your post just gave me a bit of a lift to feel like we will be……..thank you!
R,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I’m grateful you have because now the kittens can send supportive energy in your direction.
All those feelings you have are absolutely necessary to experience in a time such as this one. I know what you are made of, R. Don’t fear giving in to those emotions. Let them have their moment. And then send them off to float on the waves, past Island Beach State park – one of my most favorite places at the shore, and out to sea.
You absolutely will be okay. You’ll be anything you want to be. Please read Mr. Simplicity’s quote. It’s perfect for us.
You, as a beautiful soul, have not changed, although the landscape around you has changed considerably. There are magical encounters just about to happen as people reach out to help those in need. The lack of consideration from your previous partner suggests you are already in a much better place, as I’m certain you realize.
We are always here for you, R. Scooping you up and carrying you on with us. We don’t stop. Laughing. Loving. Smiling. Creating. We just don’t stop.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo!
I’ve been reading your story for quite some time now. Since the third post I believe. It has been a truly amazing experience to follow along with you on your journey. I think of you and your “dudes” daily, and have been sending peaceful, healing thoughts. Even though we’ve never met, I’m extremely proud of you for the grace and humour with which you have faced your situation. Keep on keepin’ on…
I’ve never read the comments before, so forgive me if this has already been mentioned. What I want you to know is that you have already written a “best seller”! Your blog postings are each a chapter. You could, if you wanted, flesh them out a wee bit more, but I think that they are perfect just the way they are. You’ve just recently passed the first anniversary of the pocket call. That would be an appropriate ending of your first book and you’ve already begun your second! I strongly encourage you to put together a couple of manuscripts and send them out to some local publishers. Dave Eggers comes to mind.
I wish you and your “Dudes” peace and happiness. Today and always.
Avril
A,
Thank you for such kind words. To know that you think of us daily is so beautiful, so supportive. It reminds me that we are capable of huge love, love for those we’ve never met, and even love for those we’ve met who’ve wronged us. We’re just big, light-filled loving beings. Knowing there is so much love in the world helps to center me. Thank you.
Several kittens have encouraged me to publish HGM. I’ve wondered why someone would buy a book of HGM when it’s all right here, but I’m going to follow your lead. While the novel is a great opportunity to weave into fiction the many lessons we’ve all taught each other here, perhaps the blog in its original form will reach those who haven’t found HGM, providing a source of support and guidance as they walk the path we know so well.
It’s hard to describe how it feels to know that you’ve been with me this whole time. It just makes me flat out psyched to be alive. I adore you. Stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Regarding your having second thoughts of making HGM published. Here are some advantages why it will still be awesome use eventhough it’s available online:
1. With or without electricity it is always available
2. It’s cool for you to hand it over to a kitten w/ your signature on it
3. I can’t think of anything to give my jilted friend a Christmas present
but another powerful book with rainbow wrappings around it
4. Finally, i can see myself relaxing near my window, overseing my busy
street while reading your book and a hot coco on the side
Just do it
Malou
M,
You are divine. Thank you for taking the time to push me along. I need to stop thinking of reasons why not to do something – there are always many – but instead allow my intuition to roll with it like I would when sliding down a dune at Limantour or climbing the rocks on the south end of Stinson Beach. It’s a self-esteem thing…Really? People would buy a hard copy of what is available online? But then I think of the people who may need to read the words written by the kittens and know that there is a place for this. A need for a person somewhere to hold in their hands the magic we’ve created here.
It will happen. Thank you for being a catalyst and for being here with me. You are cherished. Rock on, m’lady. And stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
As a book editor, I once worked on a collection of blog postings from some techie guru — it ended up being one of the publishing company’s best-selling titles. His fans wanted an actual book they could reference, in addition to this guy’s writings online. And his audience consists of tech-savvy people who spend tons of time online…go figure!
Cleo, you can self-publish an e-book on Amazon.com quickly and easily (seehttps://kdp.amazon.com/self-publishing/help?topicId=A2MB3WT2D0PTNK). If you’re a Mac person, you can download iBooks Author, a free tool for book creation, and craft your own book to upload to the iBookstore. You’ll need to get an ISBN number, but that’s not too expensive or difficult. I encourage you to pursue the electronic publishing route in addition to hard copy — you might be surprised at how wide the audience is.
N,
You are a goddess. Thank you. With all the tasks that need to be handled, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. It’s also fairly easy to say, How cool that I have all these tasks to handle!
I use a MAC. Sadly that doesn’t make me a MAC person. I’m so grateful that I’ve not had any tech-ish glitches through out this process. I’m probably not the only writer who breaks out in hives at the thought of needing to troubleshoot something involving 0s and 1s.
The ebook route is the one for me, but a hard copy is necessary, too, no? So both it is. But, first, I need an editor. And you just may be the person with the right circle of friends to help me find one! If you have any ideas, please feel free to shoot me an email.
Thank you for being here, N. I’m very grateful for your support.
Love yourself,
Cleo
N,
You are a goddess. Thank you. With all the tasks that need to be handled, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. It’s also fairly easy to say, How cool that I have all these tasks to handle!
I use a MAC. Sadly that doesn’t make me a MAC person. I’m so grateful that I’ve not had any tech-ish glitches through out this process. I’m probably not the only writer who breaks out in hives at the thought of needing to troubleshoot something involving 0s and 1s.
The ebook route is the one for me, but a hard copy is necessary, too, no? So both it is. But, first, I need an editor. And you just may be the person with the right circle of friends to help me find one! If you have any ideas, please feel free to shoot me an email.
Thank you for being here, N. I’m very grateful for your support.
Love yourself,
Cleo
When I had to move out of our “dream home” with my teenage daughter I found a beautiful little house in the woods to rent. The owners were moving to Brazil for a few years. It was painted with the most cheerful colors and had a sun room. I only lived there for a year until all the paperwork was signed and I could buy something of my own. When I think of that little house now it is almost like a fairy tale. I know there were many tears and fearful nights but all I remember are happy memories with my daughter and me. It held us safe and helped us heal. Your little house will find you.
D,
Thank you so much for your sweet words of hope and support. We will find our little house. We may have to transition through an even littler apartment to get there, but that’s part of the adventure. My only wish is that I am able to be more efficient with all I have to do! Staying centered in the moment will help me to discover my inner task master.
Thank you for being here, D. Stay close, it’s gonna be a wild few months.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Your repeated statement of commitment to positive living is inspiring. The title of the now infamous book All In sounds like it is about commitment. I can just hear a commander yelling: “ARE YOU ALL IN OR NOT?..APPARENTLY NOT PETRAEUS AND BROADWELL!” These two are all talk, lacking the actually understanding of the depths of strength required to be committed to the people that trust them. It takes an apparently rare mental and emotional strength, that they think they have, but actually lack. Those of us who have been betrayed by people we thought were committed, enduring the most unimaginable pain, but have remained committed to ourselves as honest and responsible people, and to others who depend on our loyalty, are apparently tougher than some pretend “tough-ass” soldiers, and world leaders and we should be proud of our strength. We should wear medals. A man or woman who can’t maintain commitment to their families should give up their medals of valor and service. If they can’t protect their families, how can they pretend to protect the rest of us? So, are you all in or not, Cleo? Are you going to stick to this commitment to yourself and your boys or not? ARE YOU ALL IN OR NOT?! Shoulders back, chin up. Go kick some ass.
E,
You’ve got me beyond fired up. I’m ALL IN! ALL INtegrity! ALL INspired! Tough and gentle, ready to kick ass in the most compassionate way
The title of the book would be hilarious if it weren’t so disappointing. So sad. And so sleazy. It’s stunning to me how people play with the lives of other people, driven by ego, wanting to live in a fantasy world. How ever do they go about their day? It’s unimaginable to me.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for my Knute Rockne speech! You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
As the Petraeus Betray Us story unfolds, it sounds like a bunch of adolescents behaving badly. These are adults? With top secret security clearance (and without)? How did they manipulate themselves into these positions? And how long until SNL takes off with the ALL INuendos? They must be wiggling in their seats.
E,
What a lovely triangle they make, no? The Palm Beach socialite/military hostess, which can’t mean anything other than what I think it means, the West Point Grad, who should cause every person who is toying with infidelity to pause and ponder the real threat of physical harm to your family, and the General in all his narcissistic glory. Wow. I’ve got total confidence in his ability to use good judgement. What a fool. What a cluster of fools. Zero integrity and zero responsibility. Yep. Basically acting like adolescents.
Hi, Canada? Do you have room for one more? But…um, can you do something about that winter stuff?
Ah, an example of me judging the actions of others. All three may be great people, although running a fake cancer research non-profit is pretty sleazy, but their actions were selfish, lacking in integrity, dishonest, foolhardy, irresponsible, heart-breaking, and just gross. I feel okay judging them. People need to stop destroying families. Divorce? Go for it. Just don’t destroy your family with lies and deceit, placing them in harm’s way.
Thank you for
toleratingsupporting this Cleo rant. And thank you for being here, E.Love yourself,
Cleo
That this is akin to your Mt. Whitney and first Bay swim sums it up quite nicely. All the really big, perspective-shifting events in my life, since I was a kid, involved a big physical goal (and until ’05 I didn’t get it…color me oblivious). The biggest events require the most of me, both emotionally, physically, mentally. Such seems to be your challenges of late. I’m so proud of you for stepping up, acknowledging the emotions that bubble to the surface and how you welcome them, and finding a new path. Girl, you’re not only emerging victorious, you’re carving a path for yourself you never knew you wanted.
It will be the juiciest, most-fun and challenged-filled path EVer. I’m privileged to have boarded your train to destination:you early on. It’s all about the journey.
Some of my cyclist friends like to say “Up a hill, down a beer,” and “once you’re over the hill, you begin to pick up speed.” I prefer “It’s not the miles per hour, it’s the smiles per mile.”
Looking forward to that “smiles per mile” bit for you.
xoxoxo
M,
I can’t drink beer (Shame on you, gluten!), and I prefer the ascent to the descent, so I’m on board with you – smiles all the way. That’s actually been my focus these last few days. Smile…it makes everything feel better.
The next time I do a massive climb (Mt. Shasta), I will be ensconced in our new home, free of any ties to my married life, and happily busy creating magic each day. I can smell it. I am so excited. So very excited. Thank you for being here from the start, and for taking the time to cheer me on. Me. A person you’ve never met. But one you’ve come to know so well. My life is more brilliant because of you. I’m so grateful you found me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Girl, we’re closer than you think. One of these days we’ll meet, I’m sure. You have no bike rides planned, I have no plans to hike Mt. Shasta; your kids are little, mine are adults…the Universe will figure it out for us. Meanwhile, stay fierce, hug your dudes to the point of (their) embarrassment, and keep playing big.
Love ya, mama!
M,
Play big, live happy. With kittens like you, how can I be anything but supremely grateful and focused on creating magic? Stardust footprints where ever I go… Thank you, m’lady. I love you, too!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow! I was jones’ing for a fix of my HGM all last week, but ended up cut off to the world due to my little adventure in malibu. C – as much as all the crap that’s been thrown your way this past year totally sucks, seriously dude, you have to be so thankful for the amazing personal growth and learning you’ve experienced, right? Long after the divorce is final, the co-parenting is over and done with, and TG + HDC have screwed each other over (bound to happen), you will still have the strength, serenity and wisdom gleaned through this hellish (but amazing) process. Like you said to Mr. Jackpot so many months ago, “I’m so happy for you!”
Take care – and please know that even when I’m not commenting here or tweeting you, that I think of you every day and send positive vibes your way.
nt
ps – After my hellish (but amazing!) journey in malibu last week, and some daily “mini-blogging” via facebook to let friends and family know I was still breathing, I’ve now made the decision to create a blog of my own. You have definitely inspired me! Thank YOU, love you, owe you – as our friend lainey would say.
N,
You rock. Thank you. I trust Malibu treated you well and you left some serious sweat all over those hills. They could use the water, I’m sure.
The “I’m so happy for you!” was for Mr. Delicious. Although I’ve felt the same for Mr. Jackpot. Had someone said that to me I would have questioned their sanity, but it’s true. I am better off, happier and more challenged than I’ve ever been. One year from now I am certain we’ll all be celebrating what we’ve achieved. It’s been a year of remarkable experiences leading to a year in which I seize the opportunity to call my own shots. What a breath of fresh California air!
I’m grateful you are here, and that you survived your ‘spa’ week! Rock on, hotness!
Love yourself,
Cleo
November 16th marks the one year anniversary of my revelation that my spouse had been carrying on an internet romance ,and probably much more,with his first girlfriend. I discovered it about 6 weeks after he returned from a school reunion back east, where he had a weeks vacation without me.How long he had been writing her before that reunion is unknown. My guess would be months earlier, when a classmates email list was distributed to him.
I printed off his emails. I had only read a portion of the volumes of love notes when he came home.One saying “I love you sweetheart. I dream about you at night.” I confronted him about them.He demanded that I give the emails to him. He said” It will only hurt you more, if you read them.” I angrily threw them at him. I was stunned at his betrayal. I was afraid of everything that was to come of my life, and that of my family. I had been married to him for a very long time.Much of it as a stay at home wife and mother. I feared everything about change. The holidays Thanksgiving and Christmas were approaching. I wasn’t sure if my spouse and I would be able to work through this deception or not. He wasn’t truthful of how serious he was about this woman, and even if we could not weather this revelation,I felt that I would at least be able to give my kids one more holiday season without the pain of their families split. Little did I know that my husband would decide to reveal to my son in law ,on Christmas morning, of all times,the fact that he had feelings for another woman.He then asked my son in law not to tell anyone. Right-Do you really think after hearing news like that, you can’t talk about it with your wife? Needless to say, that evening my son in law told my daughter, who in pain, called her sister. My spouse failed to tell the kids that I knew of the other woman, so neither daughter would say anything about it to me,for the next 18 days, in trying to protect me I guess, hoping that my jerk husband would come to his senses and realize what a selfish fool he was.
Promises were made to me, to quit emailing her. I said one condition of me trying to forgive him, would be for him to have absolutely no contact with her. He took a few days to say he would stop. About 2 1/2 weeks later, I figured out how to check his cell phone calls. He had several years earlier opened up two cell phone accounts-one for me, and one for him. Since he was the signer on the account, the first phone rep I spoke to, said that the information about both accounts would have to come from the person who originally opened the account. I said alright. Then I thought up a way of getting around that rule. I called the phone company again, getting a new rep this time. I said that my husband and I were sharing minutes on our plan. I told her that it would make it alot easier to keep track of our minutes used, if I was able to go online, and check our combined useage. I told her my husband didn’t want to be bothered with it. She said I can send you a temporary password, that you can change to your own after receiving it. I did just that. I found hundreds of minutes of calls to the same two numbers, which I later found out were her home, and her cell phone. The calls continued after the date that my husband said he would not contact her anymore. A huge fight occured after that revelation. My husband was shocked that I could have found that info. I continued, checking the cell phone calls, until I noticed a number that was toll free. I called it to check what it was about, and the person who answered was hesitant about providing info. After drilling him, he would only say that it was for a phone minutes service. I immediately made my husband aware of the fact that I knew he was calling regarding buying phone minutes, off one of those throw away phones that weren’t traceable. He said he never bought any minutes he was just curious about them. I said, “Why would you need to have an interest in cell phone minutes, if you already had a home and a cell phone?” To which he replied”I guess you have me there.”.
The absolute end of our marriage-where I took control, and said that the deciding about the fate of our marriage was mine to make, came as I asked him one last time-”What are you going to do?” to which he replied”I don’t know, I’m in a quandry”. My response was “Quandry this”, as I gave him the finger, with both hands.
I decided because I wanted to maintain all my wives benefits(life insurance, medical and dental insurance, future survivor’s social security benefits, etc) that I would do a legal separation, instead of a divorce. It is legal in all but about 5 states, that don’t recognize it. The legal separation would protect me from incurring any debts made by my spouse. It would be with little exception, like a divorce.One thing it would not allow is to marry again.(unless the spouse should die) I am so over marriage at this point, that it was an easy decision for me.
My legal separation terms were that I would get the house, and 1/4 of his IRA’s and savings . I’m proud to say that as of this month, the house is mine-free and clear of any debt.
I still have moments where I boil over with hate for him. Other times, I can go for weeks without even having one thought of him. Holiday season is again approaching, and there will be some bitterness toward the differances in how we celebrate ,because of his cheating. I’m better off now however, and have more confidence than I have ever had.
A,
Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. And congratulations on owning your home! Reading your story reaffirms for us that even though betrayal takes its toll, beauty and love is born from it. The catalyst for sending us off in a new direction isn’t pretty, doesn’t feel good, and can leave us upended. But as time passes we come to understand that it was necessary, freeing, and essential for creating the life we aimed to have when we landed here.
I’m grateful that we are all together at HGM to support each other as we heal form betrayal and go forth to make magic.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I am the woman you spoke of who felt insecure about her marriage. I pretty sure I’m not that exact woman but I am that exact woman. Thanks for your words about fear. It comes right on time though you wrote it many months ago. Thanks for sharing and advising.
A,
I’m grateful my words help. Will be writing more on fear today. Fear and boundaries – so VERY key to finding peace and balance. We WILL find peace and balance, A. And everything will be okay. Thank you for taking the time to comment. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I feel I was that woman and am that woman however nobody came to my rescue in time. H and I are slowly going over all the goods and regrets in our marriage as he prepares to leave for the OW. I was doing well letting go yesterday and today and now I’m back and clinging to that rope. I know where things went wrong and wish I could put them right. I also wish there was more for people struggling in marriage or there was a way that people would be able to see HOW destructive certain behaviors are to their relationships. I was SO terrified of losing my husband I never told him about my petty problems between us and pain and rejection and resentments built and now he is leaving. I know I shouldn’t be sad because of the cheating and lying and the despicable behavior but he truly was my best friend and I had always expected he would have my back. By holding myself back and not speaking my truths to him for fear of losing him I HAVE lost him and all my fears have come to be. Fear can cause things to happen and it’s terrible. Don’t be fearful! Be truthful! Be true to yourself be honest! If you can’t be honest in a relationship it’s not worth it! In any relationship!