The vermin that infected the little dude has now taken up residence in the taller dude. When he gets hit he falls longer and harder. So, a full post will be delayed till the morrow. For now, this is what I’m pondering…
Authenticity. While I’m watching the fog roll in over the hills to the west tonight, I ask myself a question I’ve asked many times over the last several weeks. Am I being really true to myself? Am I being honest with myself? Am I being authentic? That last one – I’m not even sure I know what that means. I suppose that’s why I never answer the question and it keeps being asked.
I’m so grateful the fog has returned, and not a moment too soon. I need its wet embrace before I head east. That’s the backbone of my plans right now. Flimsy at best. Basically I have no idea where I’m going. But I know what I need to accomplish. I need to swim daily. 1-2 miles. I am so stoked to do this because I am sensing that the meditative opportunities are going to be huge. And I have to answer those questions. Am I being authentic? Am I walking past wants and going to needs? Am I being honest with what I need to do right now even if it doesn’t look fun, or shiny, or feel great all the time? This week alone is the Vision Quest I need. So big pats on the back for going it solo. I’m heading in with questions and aiming to come out with answers.
I’m also pondering the idea that needs, similar to boundaries, are not about what we need from another or the outside world at large, but what we need from ourselves. MPLP has some brilliant words that have me pondering madly. (Her comment is near the bottom on this post.) Especially these: “The molecules say that if you resonate with grace, compassion, forgiveness and peace, you will only be able to attract someone of the same vibration.” I have several other traits I’d like to add to that sentence.
So my needs will come from what I want to attract, not what I need from another. It feels really good to be starting from there. Please feel free to weigh in as I change cold compresses. It sucks to be sick, but aren’t kids so cute when they’re under the weather? All snuggly and…needy?
A full post tomorrow, pending nothing bat-crazy happens. Thank you for your patience. Follow me on twitter – see sidebar – for updates, epiphanies, pictures of the gluten-free bread I’m going to bake tomorrow…thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Aah the Holy Grail that is equanimity, it’s a toughy that is for sure.
I can only offer insights based on my experience to date…which is significant in the challenges department. So here goes C.
It’s always about you first, this may sound selfish but it is key to living a full life. You see, my lessons in all the infidelity, abandonment and subsequent divorce school were as follows:
1) you need to love yourself, and this needs to be a complete, deep and unconditional love. Stop judging yourself, get in touch with those dark parts of your personality accept they are there and make peace with them. They can always sit in the background…but what stands at the fore are those virtues you love about you. When I got this doozy down, the love I pulled into my life from friends and family as well as complete strangers was insane. Loving yourself makes the living in the moment easier to manage.
2) life constantly (every facet of it) strives for balance. Couple that with the fact that everything in life has to have an opposite and you start to understand how you need negative to appreciate positive. We need emotional challenges in the form of other people so we can learn how we do NOT want to be. I have chosen to absolutely forgive my ex for abandoning me and I work on his kids so they do no resent him for what he has done and how he has treated us. The moment you choose to be the person you see in your minds eye, the moment you choose to meet conflict with grace. It falls into place. You will keep meeting challenges until you figure out your personal balance i.e. what virtues you want to live
3) living a conscious life means living with paradox. There are so many ‘laws’ both spiritual and physics based (they are very similar) that you need to become aware of to live a conscious life. So read, read read and create awareness to understand your path. You also need to accept that you will never get there…wherever you think there is…it is not going to happen. Life is a journey (cliche I know but it’s true) so don’t worry about not knowing where you are going. Set life goals but there is no destination.
4) Authenticity, only you can know if you are being true to you and it starts with accepting who you are, forgiving yourself for the things you feel you could have done better and stepping up to the person you NOW choose to be. You are not the same person you were before the pocket call, you cannot be and that is one of the points to the lessons you are being made to learn on your path. The authentic you is the woman who can look at herself in the mirror and say I did the best I could from who I am now and that’s totally cool because my intentions were true to me (as long as you are not driven by malice/vindictiveness etc you’re ok to do this…if you are, then we have a problem).
This is such a huge huge topic but the journey is personal. My final piece of advice… (I run the risk of taking over, very me, very type A) is to be aware of the tools the Universe is sending you. I am not sure if you ever took me up on my recommendation to read the works of Sandra Anne Taylor, if you didn’t then the Universe is telling you once again this is something that can help you unravel the mystery of authenticity. Absorb as much as you can with regards to living a conscious life. Use every tool in your arsenal and remember C, it starts with loving you.
It’s no accident that is your tag. It’s one of your lessons and it’s right there in front of you…you want to be authentic, love you first. From what I can tell of you, this is not a difficult thing to do.
Your MLP
MLP,
You are a gift. A glorious, wonderful, delicious, denim hoarding gift. I will be taking you up on the book suggestion. Although I have committed to reading a novel while I am home alone next week. In addition to my training for Whitney and the bay swim. And, of course, my writing.
Your words are amazing, beautiful and very appreciated. I trust they will impact many who read them.
Do you have any idea how cool you are?
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cool, well my skids think I am…but that is only based on my geek factor! I collect comic books and live for sc-fi fantasy so I am very in touch with my inner child. At 40, the cool moniker is gratefully received!! Have a great week C, chill…think, feel and read. Btw, the words…you are welcome my friend, it is the least I can do after you have gifted me with yours. Xx MLP
MLP,
You know that one day we will meet and we will laugh our bums off while you teach me all about string cheese and sci-fi and I teach you synchronized swimming and the fine art of hair dancing.
I will take advantage of every moment I have this week to excavate, ponder, laugh, hike, read, swim, and write and write and write. I adore you, MLP.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I look forward to it C, lots of excellent wine and lots of laughing…sounds perfect and right back at ya with the adoration
MLP
Just havIng a rough night and was wondering if I will ever find my smile again
E,
Your smile is there. Closer to the surface than you think. It will burst through when you least expect it. But first you have some work to do. You would benefit from sitting with the sadness and anger until you can release it. E, all that is happening to you is by your own design. It’s unfolding exactly as you planned. You must trust yourself. You have set yourself free. It will start to feel better as you gently let go of the anger you feel and you unlock doors that lead to emotive rooms waiting to be explored. Please, trust me. But mainly, trust that you have created for yourself the perfect path. I can feel it.
Love yourself,
Cleo
E,
What Cleo said
We are all here for you, we have all walked this path and we promise…your smile will find it’s way to the surface again.
Baby steps, work through the complex emotions, accept the situation and all it’s pain. At some point, forgive…yourself and him and you will start noticing the ease with which you have the strength to get through this.
I gave some plageurised knowledge to C recently and it may help you, I hope it does.
It is said that suffering is always the effect of wrong thought/feeling in a direction that is contrary to the harmony of your soul and the true you. It’s resisting who you really are. The sole use of suffering is to ‘burn out’ all that is impure and unjust to the authentic you. Look within understand the lessons (most of us have discovered it starts with being kind to ourselves first). The moment you get in touch with you, stay with it and you will find things become easier.
I realise this may sound ethereal and fluffy, but i found that it was the easiest way to manage the pain and confusion.
Give yourself time. Happiness, harmony and peace fall into place when you love and accept yourself for who you are. Stop kicking against the circumstances (this is difficult but it is the best thing you can do) when you let go of the resistance it gets so much easier.
This is a hard journey for anyone to undertake, but I believe your soul never puts you on this path unless she is certain you have the strength to get through it. You found HGM. This already tells me you are strong, sensible and your soul is leading you to all the right places.
You may not believe in souls etc but I hope you find some comfort in knowing here you are loved and in like company. Stay true.
MLP
MLP,
Beautiful…thank you.
“I realise this may sound ethereal and fluffy…” I fought that for the longest time, until I came to understand that ethereal and fluffy is where it’s at.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Elizabeth,
I too am going through a very painful stage. Six months in and I hoped the pain would be easier to take. When I read your small but mighty post, I knew I had to say this, for the both of us. The pain HAS eased. It’s still dreadful at times I assure you, but not every day and certainly not all day every day. In fact I will go so far as to say it’s gone from agony to pain. And I know you’ll understand that that is a good thing. I know I will be ok. I also know I want to be a lot better than ok. I want to be the bundle of joy that I used to be just like you want your smile back. But if I can see that it has shifted from agony to pain, then I know it will shift from pain to ok. And then it will shift from ok to good. And it will keep on shifting. There are others who have gone before us – let you and I trust in the positive that they are telling us.
P,
Thank you, love you, owe you. The shifts continue and each one feels magical. I know E appreciates your gentle, guiding words as much as I do.
Love yourself,
Cleo