As many of you have noticed, Act Two didn’t start out the way I expected. Shocker. I thought I’d be flying along like a balloon let go at the county fair, giddy over the view and nothing but smooth sailing ahead until I eventually popped. How could it be any different? Look how centered I am? I’m so centered the world could measure longitudes and latitudes off my belly button with absolute accuracy. I could be hit by a lineman and remain upright. I’m the new Weeble Wobble.
Or wobbly. And a hair’s width away from toppling over.
Something wasn’t quite right between Sunday and this morning. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew I was out of sorts. My emotions were at the surface, running the show. I had so much on my mind. I felt like I was just keeping up with life, not taking the lead.
At school pick-up I saw a Mom hugging a boy who was around 15 months old as she waited for her other child. I was whipped right back to when the little dude was that age. That sweet age that I struggle to look at fondly these days. Truth be told, if you want to see me rapidly disintegrate into liquid ask me to think of the first four years of the little dude’s life. I haven’t figured out a way to separate the joy of his first days on the blue marble from the muck of The Genius’ affair.
I was hugging a little dude just like she is and The Genius was hugging The Happy Dance Chick. That single thought took all the joy out of witnessing a mother’s love, leaving me in tears.
My gaze settled on a Mom gathering up backpacks and lunch boxes. She laughed with her son. I imagined her heading home to make dinner that would be shared around a table, with a Dad present. Joy duly sucked out of happy moment.
What if I have to move? What if I can’t keep the boys in their school? Will they resent me for that?
I thought about what it would feel like to go all Brady Bunch with a man, merge our families. It just seems like an impossible task. What if I make the wrong choice and shack up with a lunatic? Too fraught with danger, too risky. Better safe and alone than sorry.
Between The Genius and me someone has to be the adult on duty.
Why am I the one that has to be cordial to The Genius when he’s such a critical prick to me? (Prick has quickly become one of my favorite words. Of course, I can’t say it often, but I do think it!) Why do I still expect him to wake up one day and decide to go the extra mile to right his wrong? Doesn’t he realize that I don’t have the insta-family? That come Christmas time, when he’s lounging in his sweatpants (I so don’t miss those.) with The Happy Dance Chick laying at his feet, the children opening presents (Bets on HDC buying the tall dude a Mt. Shasta t-shirt, my next big climb.), I’ll be Mom. Just Mom. No insta-family for the boys to play within. No love of my life sitting beside me.
What, pray tell, will my life look like in a year?
All those thoughts? That’s just a small sampling of what ran through my brain in the 15 minutes it took to pick up the little dude from school and drive home. I arrived at the house exhausted and depleted. Somehow I managed to play a game of Uno and win, even though my 5 year old competitor makes up new rules with every turn, supervise homework, and talk the little dude into helping me mop the floors.
I still felt like I wasn’t accomplishing anything, and I felt crummy inside. I needed to print out documents for the divorce, but the printer bailed. I had booked a babysitter for a few hours so I could focus on completing the paperwork needed for our next collaborative meeting. She forgot. My afternoon was not working out as planned.
My thighs look big. And jiggly. My goggles are aging my eyes big time.
The temperature spiked in the afternoon. The boys suggested a swim to cool off. We quickly gathered our gear and headed to the pool. A mom was feeding her baby at the entrance. I thought about crying. Those sweet, innocent days. Tiring, unending, but magical. I thought they were magical, anyway.
I was subdued in the pool. Preferring to hug the boys and cradle them in the water as opposed to our usual throwing, dunking, splashing, laughing selves. During the 10 minute adult swim I attempted some laps. My stroke was off, I was wiped after four. My goggles leaked.
Only thing missing was getting my period on the flip turn. (When will it show up again? It’s been months!)
The boys had homework so they went to the ‘kids club’ to get started and I left the family pool and went to the adult pool. Maybe that would help to settle me; less family, more gray hair.
All the lanes were taken and some bombshell in a bikini was lounging with book in hand, eating berries, one by one. I swear.
I scanned the lanes, trying to get a sense of the right one to share. The one with a swimmer whose pace matched mine. The lady on the end looked like a good fit. I waded in and waited for her to complete her lap.
May I share your lane?
She pulled her head up, her mirrored face mask hiding her eyes. She paused.
No.
I saw myself flinch in her lenses, my eyes widen. I bit my lip.
I mean, I’m not good at that. And this lane is pretty narrow. My expression didn’t change.
Okay.
I turned and walked up the stairs, making my way to my towel, ready to take it and throw it in on the day. Instead I picked the center lane, politely inquired as to whether or not I could slide in and hug the lane line. She wasn’t stoked, but at least she didn’t say no.
I felt like crying, but what’s the point if you’re in the pool and can’t feel the tears? Kind of takes the fun out of it. By the time half the length was behind me it hit me:
You’re being a baby. Every single wrinkle in a day is a chance for a change of direction. The shredding of your family fabric has let you see through the tatters to the view beyond. Really, Cleo, would you rather be back pre-Pocket Call? Living with a callous person who thought nothing of lying to you for years? Who literally didn’t care about you at all?
C’mon.
I did a flip turn. And for the next 20 laps I talked myself down from the ledge. I had the lane all to myself by this point. Pausing at the end, I grabbed my water bottle and chugged between labored breaths. Through my goggles I watched the woman who spurned me make her way to the end where I rested. She stood up when she reached the wall. I could sense she wanted to say something to me. I started to turn away. Why give her the satisfaction, right? I don’t have to let her apologize.
My shoulders squared to hers. She took off her face mask and made eye contact with me.
I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.
I smiled even though I didn’t want to.
Thanks. It’s okay. Enjoy your swim. I continued on with mine, finding my grove.
I had some not-so-kind thoughts about that woman as I pushed through the last half mile. But the presence of mind to realize that they weren’t fair, and I shouldn’t be thinking that way. It’s toxic.
Holy arachnid! I flipped over on my back half way down the lane and floated. All I am doing is thinking. Presence of mind? How about omnipresent? My brain took over like ivy to a haunted house. All in 48 hours. I felt constricted, not as optimistic, drained not energized. I looked for the sad lining, not the silver lining. And I’m finding it’s not easy to power this puppy down.
I wonder if drinking a milkshake really fast would help.
For the balance of the swim I tried to get to the root of my mental state. My mind is on hyper-overdrive, trending toward the negative. How is that possible? Nothing has changed from last week. No bad news delivered, no crazy upheaval. It’s got to be the pending divorce meeting. I don’t want it to happen. Well, I want it to happen, but I want a stand in. I want someone who’s going to play me. Do it well. And let me know how it went down over a Clear Conscience, next to an outdoor fire pit.
And that feels like crap. Why wouldn’t I want to be in it every step of the way? Why would I want to hand over that experience to someone else? That’s not standing up for myself. That’s shirking my responsibilities. We all have to do things we don’t enjoy, but in this case there’s a real payoff. My freedom.
I should be popping out of bed at 5 in the morning, grabbing my laptop and plugging away on the final paperwork (which I totally detest doing) for the divorce in the short term, and then, for the next several months, working on my novel. I’m procrastinating and it’s making me sick. This is not who I want to be. I know that finalizing the divorce and writing the book are two projects, that when completed, will make me exceedingly happy and set me free. So, really, what more of a catalyst do I need?
A hot iron?
All this procrastination and my ‘barely organized’ state has got to end. Now. I know it’s doable. I don’t know how to do it, but all through out time people have gotten their s…tuff together. I’ve got to stop that excuse-making mechanism in my skull and channel my inner Martha Stewart.
Which doesn’t exist.
Time for Plan B.
Where did I put Plan B? Ooh – I don’t think I have a Plan B.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I am so with you right now.
J,
I can totally feel it. Rock on, beautiful.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh Cleo where to start? Thank you for being brave. Thank you for being honest. I have to tell you that I am scared and most days I cry. Worst yet, there are days when I miss him and want to go home.
He called me today and ask if there might be a chance and I told him that I would not, that I could not return. How can I return to a place where I would never send someone else? My story mirrors yours and today your post will get me through another day.
Keep writing.
Snoweyforever
S,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Now I know you’re out there. You’re not alone, m’lady. Making the choice to say, NO, I’m not returning, hopefully lifted a little of the fear. You stood up for yourself. You set a boundary. That move will infuse you with strength.
I won’t ever stop writing. I promise. I’m grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Here is my divorce meeting story, When it was happening it was a humiliatingly comic-tragedy.
I was terrified of the day. I dressed carefully and re applied my mascara 3 times because my hands were shaking so badly. I got to the building early as there is never enough parking in Jerusalem. I was sitting in the car deep breathing and listening to an Anya cd, to try and keep it together until my lawyer came to meet me.
I saw a man who looked like my husband running up the steps and in that split second I vomited spectacularly all over myself and the interior of the car. As the man turned his head toward me I realised it wasn’t even him!
Mum’s always have wet wipes in their bags so I started wet wiping like my very life depended on it standing outside the car in the 40 degree heat, I was crying and hiccuping and my lawyer walks up. She looks at me and I realised what I MUST look like from the horror on her face. She said she had an extra dress in her office. I went with her across the street and changed. She gave me quite the pep talk, the peppiest pep talk that there ever was! I felt heaps better.
We were coming out of the building and crossing the street when someone passing in a car threw out a pretty full cup of cold coffee. It hit me right in the tummy and sprayed my entire front. WHAT!
There I was, the splotchy make-up, a dirty wet dress and red eyes when up strolls my husband with his ‘I love her, I am sorry but I can’t stay with you any more’ hanging off his arm. My heart was banging so hard I was sure other people could hear it. They continued up the stairs together-yes he brought a ‘date’ to our divorce.
After the meeting he said he couldn’t take our son the coming weekend as they were flying to London-They stood smiling into each other faces and she stage whispers ‘to celebrate’.
Cut to the end of the day where I lay on my kitchen floor in the air-con drinking an entire bottle of chilled white wine. The dog laying in sympathy beside me. My son over at my girlfriend’s house, after she took one look at me when I walked into the flat and practically dragged the kid downstairs to her place.
Cleo-The ‘divorce document day’ will end like every other day and you will get up the next morning and that day is forever gone. Whatever happens is temporary.
xo
L,
Thank you for taking the time to share your tale. A tramedy, I will call it. It’s all temporary. Except maybe the coffee stains on your lawyer’s dress!
You’re brave, m’lady. I’m going to emulate you on that day, minus the hurling. I hope.
Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
When I told my mother-she thoughtfully said-’Well you always were a puker’ LOL
It’s just a day like any other-There will be a beautiful sunrise and sunset on either side to remind you that it not so important what is happening-there are bigger, better things for all of us;)
L,
Hilarious. Moms rock. And so does life.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I wish there was a tangible way to physically send you all the kitten hugs each of us will want to give you as we read this post. Hugs that would impart a sense of exactly how wonderfully well we all know you are going to make it in Act II. Hugs that would remind you not to let worry and fear have a second of your time. And definitely hugs that would give you a reality check on how The G and HDC are not worthy of one flash forward thought. As for procrastination, I have found that it is one of the most soul choking, energy depleting and joy stealing things around. Most of the stress in my life can be traced back to this awful source. When I beat it, I am so thrilled by what has been accomplished that I can hardly wait to do more. If I lose momentum, it is hard to gain it back. So I know how you are feeling. One suggestion…think about someone you can be accountable to…that you can let know on a regular basis about where you are at with your goals. I find it to be helpful…maybe you will, too. Meanwhile, know that your cheering section is in full on, ”You can do it, Cleo!” mode.
M,
“As for procrastination, I have found that it is one of the most soul choking, energy depleting and joy stealing things around. Most of the stress in my life can be traced back to this awful source.” So true! Thank you for the suggestion on finding someone to whom I can be accountable. I will do that, and work on being accountable to me. By doing that I am showing respect for the gifts I have received and prove worthy of even greater abundance. When I lick this one, procrastination, I will celebrate promptly!
I felt your hugs. Thank you. For them and for being here. I deeply appreciate your support.
Love yourself,
Cleo
A few things to get out of the way:
1. It is OK to have a bad day
2. You are always going to be the center of the universe for your boys
3. It is OK to ask for help
Let’s face it there are things we do well and things we don’t. When we don’t do something well we let the experts handle it. I don’t own an iron – enough said.
Needs change. I know you like to be in control but needs change. I want you to say that over and over. Now say, my needs changed. How will this apply to your life stressors? I don’t know the details of your divorce but don’t let the house weigh you down. You know you can find the perfect rental garden cottage (1 bedroom is fine – you take the living room) right off the trail . . .and make that place your own – built for 3. Start a house purge – get rid of those baby toys (you know you still have them) and if you get to keep the house – redecorate, throw out the bed (goodness I hope you have already done this) have it repainted and then create your own space.
Visualize what you want to see – and get there. My needs changed, shrug your sholders like “so what” and walk away . . . if anyone dare ask why . . ..
As a side note, I can’t help thinking the gal that said no to the lane sharing may have had her own interesting back story from the day. Perhaps her own pocket call?
Keep Smiling
A,
Pro-freaking-found. You’re right. My needs have changed. Self-preservation mode is over. Now it’s time to get at it. To really seize the opportunities ahead, I need to change some behaviors that are holding me back. That is what I need to do most right now. The sense of accomplishment I will feel when I sign that divorce document and write that last word (in the book – not the blog!) will be a gluttonous reward for the effort expended.
Your comment leaves me feeling excited for what lies ahead. And settled. I’m really grateful for that. Thank you, A.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You’re having those thoughts because those are the normal thoughts to have in this situation. Or at least, I have decided they are normal thoughts because that’s what *I* do… I don’t see how you avoid doing the mental math on what (or who) he was doing when you were doing x, y and z. Having said that, if you figure out a way to STOP doing that, please share- because it sucks donkey balls.
L,
Yes, it does. And sucking those isn’t much fun. Reading your words brought forth a sense that doing the mental math is a necessary part of the healing process. But, for healing to occur, I need to move those thought on out, not allow them to sit and fester. They tend to want to hang around past their prime. If I wanted to shine in mine they will need to find another roost to nest in.
Thank you, L. We’re in this together.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I know we’re all different, but for me – the toxicity of not knowing the details, or of endless hours of guessing and obsessing over what happened when, with who — was so overwhelming and debilitating. I process pain through knowledge. To me knowing everything shifts the power back to me. i.e. I’m not the unwitting victim, in the dark, grasping at straws, trying to piece together the facts. I know it sounds sick and perverse (not to mention masochistic), but I literally cannot rest until I know everything. As an aside, there was an episode on Grey’s Anatomy this past season where Christina confronts her husband about a one-night stand. She needed details. Every detail. What she wore, what she looked like, how she smelled, where they went, etc, etc (you get the picture). I watched, and cried, because I could so relate to that need. The need to hear words that would stab you in the heart over and over again — but ultimately the words that would give me peace.
I can let go of something I’ve processed and worked through. I can’t let go of anything that I have questions about. Again, we’re all different, but for me – this is a necessary part of my healing process.
stay strong Cleo. you will get through this — stronger and better than ever.
xoxo
nt
N,
I’m so grateful you took the time to share your words. It’s true – we all process experiences in different ways that suit our needs. And, as you pointed out, without processing we can’t let go. Without giving our emotions their moment in the sun, we can’t send them on their way.
To seek the answers to all those questions is quite brave. I’m impressed with your resilience. And grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
It’s not sick Natasha. Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. She validates everything you’re saying. In order to move forward when staying in a relationship it’s important for the betrayed spouse to have the details in order to heal. Of course, we don’t always get the luxury (?! there has to be a better word for that) of knowing. Sometimes we have to move on without them. But I totally get what you’re saying. I feel the same way and I’m not getting them. So I gotta move on and focus on me and know that this is their issue and not mine. Not easy, but I’m getting there.
D,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for cheering on the kittens! You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I know- my challenge of late is to stop myself from a. doing that, and b. having imaginary confrontations with him/her in my head. Neither is productive.
L,
Oh, the imaginary confrontations! I had those with every player involved in HGM. And, like you, realized they are a waste of time, unproductive and a great source of negative thoughts, which I have no room for in my being. I need to stay on the path of optimism. It suits me. Like the color green. And dark chocolate. With hot pepper and pop rocks.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Can I be honest…….thank you! You just made me feel so completely normal! I have felt every single emotion and had every single thought in my head as you just wrote about! So assuming I’m normal (which is probably argued otherwise in some circles) you are completely justified to feel the way did or still are. I love that you are always so up beat and so positive because you’re the one that is setting the example for so many of us. But with that said, you need to have days to be sad because to always eradicate them from your mind is not only robbing yourself of your true emotions but lessening the days of happiness by having nothing to compare them to.
And quite frankly, who wants his insta-family! In my opinion neither one of them will ever have true peace. How could they possibly when it all started from one big huge lie? (mistake)
Thank you again for writing this post! I really can’t express to you my gratitude for allowing me to feel normal because I feel like I’m the only one to feel this way.
Rylan
R,
Here it comes, full circle. I write it, you feel it, you let me know you feel it, and all of the sudden I don’t seem like such a nitwit. Now that’s progress! Some days I feel like Wonder Woman, walking with my boys hand in hand amongst the endless see of happy couples and intact families and other days I feel like I’m walking on broken glass.
I am going to stop looking forward and come back to being content in the moment, where not all of the pieces are fitting together, none of the questions are answered, and I am responsible for my own creations. It’s in the moment that I am most at peace, and I believe strongly that it’s in the moment that I will be rewarded.
These sad days really do show me where I am missing the mark. They are great teaching tools. I am grateful for them. Thank you for reminding to honor those feelings. You rock, R.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo, I’ve been reading your blog since Lainey posted a link and I have to tell you that I think you are a beautiful, funny writer who is brave enough to bare her soul to the world at such a vulnerable, sensitive time. I applaud you for doing so – for what it is clearly doing to help you heal, and also for all of the support and inspiration you are providing to all of your kittens
. I check your blog every day, even on days I know you probably won’t post, in the hopes that there’s a surprise post waiting. I so value what you’re doing and am thrilled to hear you will be writing a book!
Many times I’ve wanted to post but I tend to read your blog on my phone and prefer typing on a computer, so it hasn’t happened until now. I read your post first thing this morning and you’ve been on my mind since then.
You do an amazing job of pushing yourself to conquer your fears, to challenge yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally, to become a stronger, more accountable person, and you are achieving all of these goals. You are one. tough. cookie. who is inspiring us all in many ways. One thing I’d like you to think about and consider is that, there will be times when you need to just nurture yourself a little and allow yourself to grieve the loss of the family and relationship that you thought you had – but didn’t/don’t have anymore. I’m not taking about grieving the loss of a person, but rather the relationship and family in a more broad sense. Think about how you would comfort someone who was grieving a loss… you wouldn’t tell that person what he/she should or should not do (as you were telling yourself in your post today). I think that pushing yourself is wonderful and healthy, but don’t forget to comfort yourself a little too. Of course you want to avoid a difficult divorce meeting and have someone stand in for you! Who wouldn’t?! Allow yourself to feel that way because, we all know, you won’t actually avoid it, you will face it with the grace and strength with which you face everything. But allow yourself a moment or two (or a whole day!) to acknowledge the anxious, sad, lonely feelings and engage in the grieving process. We all know you won’t let yourself stay too long at the pity party but make sure you’re also not lecturing yourself on what you *should* be doing differently. I think we all know you’ve had enough of that throughout your marriage, and now during your divorce, from an outside source. You have extremely high expectations of yourself – which is great because you are accomplishing great things. Just be aware of when you’re judging youself for not doing it right or perfectly, or whatever. If you’re feeling anxious and sad — allow it, sit with it for a minute. Honor those feelings and the effect they have on your psyche…expecting yourself to be 100% perfectly disciplined about working out and taking on the HUGE task of starting a novel RIGHT when you’re going through a very difficult time might be a little too much to expect from anyone, even Super Cleo
. I hope this is coming across with love because that is my intention…you tell us to love ourselves, so love yourself too! Think about spending a little time in the presence of your feelings and don’t judge your actions for a moment. Recognize that although you let go of the G awhile ago, you are still allowed to grieve the loss of what you thought you had and what you might sometimes wish you had now (i.e. a healthy, supportive partnership/family with somene you admire and respect, with strong character, and who feels the same about you).
I hope this is helpful in some way. I think you are amazing!
T,
I feel the love, m’lady! And it’s rich! Thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to share with me, with us. You made me cry, in a very good way.
I need to give my feelings their deserved time to move through me. But I have learned from these past few days that to look ahead makes me feel unsettled. As much as I’d love to spend time imagining where I might be a year from now, I have to stay firmly rooted in the present moment. It relaxes me and frees me up to focus on the joy. When I move ahead the Universe steps in to stop me. Must stay right here, right now.
Your words remind me to be gentle. With others and with myself. Thank you. So very much. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Perfect advice TSK – perfect!
Ooooh, so many nods and grunts as I read this today.
You expressed so beautifully the anxiety I have been under as well lately, and also feelings I have had in my past 5+ years of divorce. The missing of “family” will always be there. The original family~ the mom, the dad, and their kids. Always. I still get it when I’m at open house alone (really he could come and should come, he lives here, but usually couldn’t be bothered) and see the couples walking their kids around or speaking to the teachers. Do those teachers think of my daughter differently because she comes from a broken home? I wonder.
But you brought up an excellent point, one that I use on myself when I’m teetering on the ledge with despair…would I go back? NO. Don’t even have to think about my answer. NO. My ex and I are friendly even though he still isn’t “the adult” in the divorce. This is due to the fact that I have learned to accept this and step up as I always have. It gets tiring being mad at someone for not being what you want them to be. Just don’t.
But when my 13 year-old just yesterday said, as we walked through the bakery at the grocery store, “Daddy used to get these coffee cakes all the time when he lived with us” it cracks off a little piece of my heart. But she, as a teenager, when she could be bitter just for bitter’s sake, was just stating a fact, without emotion, so why should I get all weepy about it? It is what it is.
Your thoughtful swim sounded wonderful. Crying in the pool is totally acceptable, as long as it doesn’t mess up your breathing. Let the water wash off all your negativity and work out your next step before your next lap. You will get through this little stalemate with yourself. Dr. Phil (who I barely can stomach but this one stuck with me) says everyone gets 3 days a month to be “off”….how many has it been for you? If its already been 3, then you gotta move on.
Plus, I want to read that novel, so get crackin’!!!
T,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. “The missing of “family” will always be there.” I needed to read that and understand it isn’t about missing The Genius, it’s about missing what I thought I had. What I won’t have again. Not that I won’t find love. Who knows. I just might. But the love I might find won’t be with the father of my children. I’m still working on letting go of this.
I promise to you that the novel will be written. And I will feel SO good when the outline is done and the writing begins.
Thank you m’lady. So grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I am currently doing the “Brady Bunch” thing with my loving BF, but its no 70′s sitcom…we are both fearful of moving in all together (5 kids way outnumber us) and having it all implode…so we are respectfully living separate as our 3 teenagers and 2 preteens continue on in their post-divorce routines, which has worked so far. It makes our solo time together that much more special.
T,
That seems like a really good way to go about building a ‘sharraige’. I just made that up. Blame the Cab Franc.
I’m thinking commune…
Love yourself,
Cleo
TXcristin – Saw your post, had to reply….Am a about 7+ years past my “pocket call” and a little over a year into “Marriage 2.0″ with two pre-teens and three teenagers. It is a wild ride! Enjoy! Surrender yourself to being the parents of all those children! It is awesome and exhausting! But the most amazing job you will ever have.
Cleo – It will get better, I promise. While I was single (and even now, at times) I found I had to redefine the term “family” Family is a fluid, dynamic, flexible term that can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. It means unconditional love, loyalty and being the priority to each other. It will continue to morph and change through the years, but it is up to YOU to define what it means to you and your kids. This may sound silly or superficial, but I highly recommend having a gorgeous photograph (professional if you can afford or by a friend if not) taken of you and your boys. Frame it and put it on the wall. THAT is your family right now! It is the definition for this moment in time. It will, most likely change in the future, but it is gorgeous and amazing NOW for what it is! This exercise may seem insignificant, but it is symbolic and sends a healthy message to your boys and all that get to enjoy it.
Peace and Love,
Ruby
R,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and reply to TXcristin.
I will have that picture taken of the boys and me. It will serve to remind me that the three of us are in this together, and I owe it to them and myself to not take shortcuts, to face my fears, to see the joy, find the funny, acknowledge the sadness, and never stop the excavation, no matter how painful it may feel before it starts to feel good again.
Thank you, R. I’m grateful you shared this today. You’ve drawn a picture of my future with your words. It makes me cry because it’s not what I thought it would look like, but I am steadied by the understanding that it’s playing out as it needs to and there is beauty in it today. And that beauty will be remarkable when I can see clearly.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you Ruby! I have daydreams of us all working together as one big happy family and even with the 3 moody teens, and 2 more on their way, I feel I would love every minute of it. We are working out logistics with my bf and his ex still in a custody fight (she’s MY HDC even though she walked out on my bf for another guy who she married, but she doesn’t want me bf to have the same with me) so we can live in the same town and start to mesh all the children together…I simply can’t wait until that day, scary as it is…what a family photo that will be! Cleo, I hope those tears are of happiness….those boys are blessed redemption in the form of love and kisses for what their father did.
Thank you, T. You kittens rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
L,
Thank you for your kind words and support. And for these brilliant suggestions!
Your words help me to settle down, which is much needed these days. Nothing is ever as good or as bad as it seems! And…the immaculate conception is not happening in me – after four months my body decided to stop procrastinating and menstruate.
How’s that for oversharing? Rock on, m’lady. But stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have been thinking about you during various times reading. Most recently it was while starting to read The Tools by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels. Transform your problems into courage, confidence and creativity. I checked it out from the library. This entry reminds me of the tools they refer to – in order to break through anything blocking you it talks about needing to continue to push through what is most unpleasant and uncomfortable. This has been a main theme I see all over especially in America is how people do not want to go out of their comfort zone. This books seems to address some of the things you are experiencing. Don’t know if it would help you but it seems very much in line with your thought process and your line of questioning lately.
And you make us all proud with your responsibility. Your taking the high road when it comes to the Genius and his insecurities. It is being more than a good role model for your boys and you will be paid threefold as you see your boys grow into manhood. They know you have their best interest at heart. They can tell with your behavior. Keep pushing and keep it together. You are almost to the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. Once the divorce is finalized you will have the ability to look forward with more clarity.
victoria
V,
Your words are spot on, m’lady. I actually had named this post Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable before changing it.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for sharing The Tools. I am grateful that you think of me and that you are here to support me. I promise I will keep it together! For me, for you and for all the kittens. Now is not the time to lose ground. I’m nearing the summit. Must keep at it. Must keep at it.
Love yourself,
Cleo
So what happens when you ask yourself, ‘would you go back?’ and the answer is yes. Dear god yes. I believe marriage can overcome some pretty horrible stuff. I believe people can forgive and learn and fix and become honorable again and be grateful for what they were almost stupid enough to lose. Sure, only if both want that. But what if you still want that. Ugh. Horrible place to be.
P,
Oh, P. Thank you so much for sharing that comment. I know so many people feel the same way you do.
Here…take this Clear Conscience…now, let me ask you: Do you need it or just want it? And why do you want it? Because you know in your heart, in your core, in the center of your very being that it’s where you should be? Or is the desire driven by something else?
My mom taught me from when I was a wee ginger tot that love and respect go hand in hand. They are of equal importance. Do you respect him? You don’t have to answer here, of course, but I felt compelled to ask these questions.
M’lady, all your feelings are worthy. You’re a beautiful being moving through this life, brave enough to own how you feel. To express it. I sense by just typing those words you will have some additional clarity soon. I’m always here for you. As are a boat load of the coolest kittens ever. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
What if the answer is that you need it AND you want it? I understand and empathize with Patty. And I made the decision to stay and work on it.
Deep breath in, and shielding myself from the threat of thousands of kittens’ claws being bared… So, time for full disclosure…I was not only the Cleo in my marriage, but I was also the Happy Dance Chick. Gasp! WHAT? How??
Yes, kittens, I was a cheater. And then he cheated in retaliation when he found out about my affair. And then I found out about him — and I confronted his cheating ass. (Huge hipocritical cow, I am!). And together, although we both had the opportunity to leave and start new (fun! exciting! Ha!) lives with our respective cheat-partners — we BOTH made the decision to bare our souls to each other, to talk, like really, really talk, about what drove us to the decisions we made.
Yes, Cleo, cheating is disrespectful. It’s brutally disrespectful. But it’s also sometimes just the bi-product of other sh..tuff going on within ourselves (insecurity, the need for validation) or within our marriage (taking each other for granted, losing the passion, excitement, and friendship). In our case, when we inspected our individual motivations, and the truth about what our marriage had become, we came to understand how it was we each strayed (not that there’s a good excuse for it ever — but the point is we understood), and also, that there was really something great here. Something worth fighting for. Something worth saving — and learning to respect once again.
Has it been easy? Hellz no! And I often found myself starting to fall into old patterns (biting my tongue and saying nothing/withdrawing instead of discussing something that bothered me), but we both have become so much better at spotting when the other is in a bad place, and calling it out — forcing the conversation. Gawd – if couples just talked more…so much more sh…tuff would get resolved. And I wonder how many affairs could be avoided.
I’m not suggesting that every marriage is worth saving — or that every cheater (man or woman) is worth forgiving and trusting again — but I am saying that some are. I guess the trick is knowing which ones… Hard to follow your heart when your heart is freshly torn apart.
I’ve got a ton of respect for you Cleo, and all the ladies that have made the brave decision to respect themselves and move on to a new and better life.
I’m just writing to say that sometimes the other path is a real (and brave) option too.
N,
Fear not the kittens, N. I imagine they will respect how you and your husband handled the affairs and that you are doing the hard work required to keep it together. Many relationships survive and even flourish after infidelity. Others don’t. It’s no surprise to me. Each path suits the people on it. Some are meant to work through betrayal and others are meant to start anew. We all have written a different script for ourselves.
This is purely my opinion, but if I had to say which path requires more bravery I’d vote yours. I am so grateful you felt compelled to share your story. It’s all love here, sometimes tough love, but love nonetheless.
Stay close, N.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh girlfriend, give yourself a break! We ALL have those down days, even when not going through a divorce. Although We the Kittens (sorta like We the People but more supportive
) do pretty much think of you as Super Cleo — ’cause you totally are!!! — you still are allowed to take off the cape, bullet-ricocheting bracelets and fab boots (NOT skin tight blue go-go boots I’m sure, you’ve got way too much shoe sense for that!) every once in awhile. Remember, even super heroes have their merely-mortal alter egos, and even on a bad day you’re still doing way better than Clark Kent, that milquetoast! Sure, you don’t want to waste time and energy wallowing too long in misery, and we know you won’t ’cause we know you’re much stronger than that and far too motivated to make your life beautiful. But please try not to beat yourself up for having human, and thus less than what you think would be perfect, reactions to tough times, if only so the rest of us don’t feel so inferior. 
I totally agree that the last few days’ funk is probably due to the upcoming divorce mtg and accompanying hideous paperwork. Seriously, there’d be something WAY wrong with you — or else we’d be sure you’re doing some excellent drugs and wonder why you’re not sharing ‘em with the rest of us — if this did NOT bring you down. It’s just not human, or sane, to feel happy and fancy free when you’ve got something so difficult to get through. (Personally, I’d recommend keeping a chilled pitcher of Clear Conscience in the fridge and applying liberally over the next few days till you get past the next hurdle on the divorce road.)
By the way, the reason you’re the one being civil is because you are a kind and decent human being who’s trying to stay that way, and your soon-to-be-ex is, as you mentioned, a prick. Not fair that you always have to be the one to take the high road, but it’s pretty clear that HE’s not going to. And if “high road” and “prick” are the 2 roles in your relationship, wouldn’t you rather have the one you’ve got? And speaking as a recovering attorney, let me point out that “collaborative” divorce just means “not actually trying to gun each other down with uzis or going to scorch-the-earth lawyering in court.” It doesn’t mean that there’s anything actually NICE about it, no matter how pleasant-sounding a word “collaborative” is. Sure, it’s definitely the best thing for your kids and almost certainly the best option for you, as well (litigation is even worse, by a whole lot!), but it’s still an unhappy process that’s no fun at all to go through. It’s a raging success if you can get through it with as little damage to your kids and yourself as you can manage — and you WILL get through it! — but it’s tough and exhausting and emotionally draining and all that stuff. Try to keep reminding yourself that it’s better than the lousy alternatives — still being married to a prick, or going through a scorched-earth divorce with one — and that eventually, this too shall pass. (If you’re feeling the need to look ahead, why not look ahead to when the divorce is finished?)
One last thing — I’m a single mom, never married; I was reaching (well actually was well into!) the “danger years” and decided if I wanted kids, and I really really did, I was just going to have to do it on my own (well, with some help from the wonderful world of reproductive medicine). I gotta tell you that you can have a WONDERFUL family experience with just you and your two boys — my favorite Christmases have been the ones where we stayed home instead of visiting far-away family, had Christmas morning just the 3 of us enjoying each other and Santa’s bounty, and then spent later parts of the days with dear friends and/or doing fun stuff — looking at lights, fixing special meals — on our own. I am sure that the holidays you’ll give your little guys on your own, without a hubby who never quite meets your (or their) needs, are likely to be much richer and more wonderful for yourself and the kids than ones you’ve had with The Genius. And adding an additional dysfunctional personality — HDC — is certainly not likely to make holidays with that particular “insta-family” any more merry and bright! So if you have to think ahead, think about you and your boys in front of your tree having a blast unwrapping and playing with presents, all cozy and happy together — trust me, it’ll be a joy for all 3 of you!
Hang in there, the Kittens are with you all the way!
Hugs,
Phyllis
P,
Where have you been all my life? I will let your beautiful comment stand on its own, but thank you profusely for sharing it with me, with us.
Do I apply the Clear Conscience to my body? Because that sounds like as much fun as drinking it. And I will smell divine. And then be promptly attacked by yellow jackets.
I am ultra-grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Thank you for sharing what you shared. I feel every word you said. I really do. And I thank you for being willing to share it.
I so related to your post. Thank you. Yesterday, I took my youngest to preschool for her first day. She was happy, I cried the minute I walked away. For the reasons you articulated exactly. Moms AND Dads dropping bringing their preschooler to school for the first day TOGETHER. Often they had a younger child with them. I had a longing for the time when we looked like that family. Such a deep longing. I also felt quite sad for our younger child who had 18 months of an in-tact family. She was so sweet and happy and joyful…I thought “how could he do this to them?” (I’ve posted before that he has some parenting issues right now).
And then, OMG, like you, I thought back to the time I THOUGHT everything was great between us when we had our first child, but I have recently learned that things were not as they seemed then either. While I thought we were joyfully awaiting our long waited for first child, he was having an affair with someone I thought was a friend. Something he repeated recently.
And then, I felt old too…My “thass” as my pilates instructor calls it seemed to have grown.
I think it’s not a linear journey. I want it to be. I want a straight forward march forward into the light. For me it’s more like a zigzag. Things I thought I dealt with, come back. I have periods where I am feel like I am happy and so grateful for the truth as I now have a chance to live a whole life, and honest one. Maybe with someone who truly respects and loves me but maybe as a single person. But other times where I just want to stay in bed. I can’t make sense of all this and I am scared too. Sometimes about everything.
The pending divorce is painful. Don’t underestimate it or judge yourself for feeling it.
Like you, I knew it had to be done (we were on warp speed, from discovery to final hearing was oh, about 7 months), but I cried through a lot of it. And it was not contentious in that way. He was very generous with child support. He did actually try to make it right in that way and recognize that without child support I cannot stay in the house and raise the kids. Even with that, and I am grateful, it was heartbreaking and sad. Even if it is what is needed to move on.
Big hugs to you.
Caitline
C,
I, too, long for the linear. But that would mean I’d get to the end faster, and I don’t mind taking my time. I just don’t want to procrastinate any longer. It feels good to be brave and willing to experience the highs and lows. I’m finding that by simply reminding myself that a little zigging and zagging will result in lots of encounters I would not otherwise have and experiences that have magic hidden inside, no matter how they might look on the outside.
Thass…hilarious.
I hope The Genius steps up and realizes that the boys and I don’t need any more upheaval at the moment. But should he not, we will be fine. They are the most resilient little beings. Together we will make magic no matter where we are. I know that in my soul. Now if my brain could just get with the program! All in due time, I say, as I pet my head. All in due time…
Thank you for being here and for your words of support. I am so grateful you are here. I know I say it all the time, but it’s worth repeating – I would not be who I am at this very moment without all you beautiful kittens. C’mere…let me scratch your ear…
Love yourself,
Cleo
This reminds me of my struggle with my Masters. I had some MAJOR MAJOR upheaval that had me at one point wondering if I wanted to finish. My mom was my life-savor (as she always is). She made a joke gift that I used as a talisman to get going. A pair of really big white granny-panties with the words “Put on your big girl panties and get it done”. When I graduated she gifted me with a second pair that said “I put on my big girl panties and got it done”. You may not need the physical reminder as I do but if it helps to think about as motivation you can take my mom’s helpful reminder as you write your book.
Good luck and as ever, so completely impressed with your progress. Even if you can’t always see it or feel it you’ve gone leaps and bounds. Amazing!
M,
Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing with us the delightful spirit that is your mom.
I’m going to get it done. And it will all get done. But I want my big girl panties to be a thong. The word panty…ick…right up there with moist. Thong sounds like gong. Something I’m going to bang when the divorce is all said and done.
You’ve inspired me to do a vision board. Thank you! The boys and I will create one this weekend. I can’t wait to share it with you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Why the bloody hell do you have to ask to share a lane?
Z,
My mom asked the same thing! I am way too polite. But look at the catalyst that encounter was for me. I recognized I was coming from the mind, not living in the moment and being too judgmental. Lessons learned, all the way around. Your comment cracked me up. For that I am supremely grateful. Rock on, Z.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo … Cleo … Cleo …
You’ve climbed mountains. Swam rivers. Hiked highways. And kicked ass.
You have been on the move. And on the upswing from the day you realized
you deserve better. And you do. What happened to you this day is only human.
And sharing your feelings with us is part of what makes you so real and so
inspirational. You will have moments like this on occasion. But remember, we love you. And now you love you. So get on with the paperwork, the divorce proceedings and look The Genius straight in the face when you meet – like he’s some kind of dead meat from the past.
M, M, M,
Hiked highways! Oh, that made me think of Sissy Hankshaw in Even Cowgirls Get the Blues. Love that book. I need to read that again. We all have our talents, no?
I am so grateful that all of you provide such a loving, fun, safe forum for me to share my feelings. I couldn’t have dreamed up a more perfect gift for me when I needed it most. Your support, M, means the world to me. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh Cleo…I so wanted to hug you after reading this post. It brought tears to my eyes because I truly know how you feel. I’m in this exact position right now and well…my Plan B like yours is non-existent right now. What I do know though is that both of us will get through this and in the end when we finally surface we’ll be the best of ourselves that we can be and we can’t really ask for more then that can we? Ok…I guess we could but I’ll take it…for now. Time to work on loving myself today!
Hugs,
C
C,
Yes, m’lady, we will get through this, and that, and that, and that. We’ll do it with grace and style. With laughter and an eye for the silver lining. As balanced as a tight rope walker. As brave as a child on the first day of school. Go forth and love! And thank you for being here…it means so much to me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Vision board! Yes! Do one! I did a long time ago and dare I say almost everything on mine has come to fruition?! I forgot all about that. Such a good idea and such a good motivator when you need it. Do it and have fun with it!
C,
I LOVE hearing that! The boys and I are going to each do one on Saturday. I’m excited to create a visual image in the 3D of what lives in my heart. Rock on m’lady…
Love yourself,
Cleo
First of all, I absolutely love Hyperbole And A Half! So awesome to see you giving props to her Painc Chart. Ms. Brosh is brilliant. I hope she surfaces soon.
In my experience, drinking a milkshake really fast does not help. It does for about 6.3 minutes, then it’s all bad. Trust me.
I also don’t have an inner Martha Stewart. But it’s ok, I can make a Clear Conscience just fine. Divine. Thank you for sharing the recipe!
There have been many wonderful comments here, A.L and Phyllis were particularly insightful. It would be redundant for me to reiterate what they have already so eloquently written. So, with that said, I’ll just send you a kitten hug and call it good.
L,
I only just found Hyperbole and a Half. I was shocked to see the announcement of a forthcoming book and then zero activity on twitter or her site for about a year. Is all well? Any word? Man, what a talented being.
You said Clear Conscience…now I want one…good thing I have some ginger syrup left!
Kitten hugs are the best. All fuzzy, and warm, a little squirmy… Thank you for being here, m’lady. You make me smile.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Allie struggles with depression, which I also do. Here is a link to an article about her that includes links to some of her funniest comics. The article also contains a link to the last public communication from Allie via Reddit. I hope she is well!http://www.smartlivingnetwork.com/depression/b/allie-broshs-battle-with-depression-and-why-it-should-matter-to-you/
L,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and share this link. The book deal, the engagement…in my case, the betrayal, the divorce, the blog…all simply happenings that provide to us an opportunity to get deep down to what is happening…inside.
Love yourself,
Cleo
It’s funny what people take away from what you write. All that above and the only thing I have to add is that when the woman in the lane said no, I would have said “That wasn’t a request” and jumped in behind her lol.
I was an avid swimmer until I blew out my shoulder. I finally had the surgery last year May and now I can finally get back into the water. Share requests are mandatory at our Y. If someone asks, you can’t say no.
Looking at what happened there, maybe she was in the same place as you, working stuff out, and needed the solitude. Doesn’t excuse the no, but it could explain it. Or maybe she was a jerk who needed a wedgie. You handled it better than I would have. Blessings!
C,
LOVE that! Not a request…
I can empathize with being a bit neurotic about working out. If I couldn’t hike for 90 minutes I’d shelve the workout, feeling that anything less than 90 was a waste. Which, of course, it’s not. Maybe her workout has to be ‘just so’, so that she can move on with her day.
I’d share a lane with you any day, and am SO happy you are able to get back in the water! It’s become my favorite exercise. My favorite activity, besides making out, is hiking, but I’d have to say, my abs have never looked better thanks to the pool. Swimming knows how to make a body hot.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here!
Love yourself,
Cleo