On a Friday night, sometime in the future, I’ll curl up next to a man and feel content, at peace, free to share myself fully, and feel loved and cherished for exactly who I am. I’m not curled up with a man right now, but I feel all those things. Because of you. And you know I love you to the moon for that.
But some day, I want to feel like that with a man. My Mom would say that ‘some day’ is one year from the date of my divorce. How much do you want to bet that’s how it plays out? That on the one year anniversary of my divorce I will be walking along Stinson Beach at the line in the sand where wet meets dry and bump into That Man.
I hope he’s clothed.
At least initially.
Over the last few months I’ve stolen moments of time during swims and hikes, walks on the beach and long drives through the west Marin hills, to ponder Who is That Man. The one who makes me think, Now I know why people get married again after divorce.
Only I hope he doesn’t need to get married, because that’s not in the cards for me. I’m game to multiple interpretations of a lifetime partnership, but I’m thinking it’s got to factor in side-by-side beach houses. The idea of cohabitation has definitely taken a hit since the Pocket Call. I’m conscious of the fact that my aversion to living with someone may actually be fallout from betrayal. But I also really do like having my own space. A place where I can be myself without reservation.
But before I even entertain setting up house, I would need to meet someone who looked like this:
He plays like a kid, but lives like a man. And by plays, I don’t mean ‘player’. I mean plays. As in runs to the beach to start building a sand castle at 10AM, taking breaks to surf and climb rocks with me and the dudes. He may have never colored a street with sidewalk chalk before, but if presented with a box he says, C’mon Ginger, grab the dudes, let’s go all Rembrandt on Calle del Mar.
He can play like a kid because he is chill. Just happy. S…tuff may not always go as planned, bad things may happen, unexpected events may disrupt a schedule, someone may blow a stop sign and cut him off, but he’s chill. Because he’s happy. So, he marvels at those who may not be as considerate or conscious, but he doesn’t judge or allow his day to be thrown off. He wishes them well and is simply grateful to be alive.
He’s just a happy guy.
And kids play well with him.
He’s experienced and smart. He sees why ideas may be great but doomed, skims off the promising parts and whips them into another idea to create magic. He thinks with his mind, but not with his ego leading the way, allowing him to be objective. As a thinker, he ponders his successes and failures and learns from both equally.
He’s comfortable being vulnerable around those he trusts, and he’s comfortable being a warrior when circumstances call for it.
He reads people, situations, the weather, the tides. And gets it right more often than not.
He really likes to play board games and will weave them into our world. I miss that old-fashioned fun.
He loves that he doesn’t know it all, because he loves learning new things.
He sees the connection between how we treat the earth and our bodies, and how the health and well-being of both are the greatest contributing factors to the overall health of our world. He cares for his body, and he cares for the planet.
He wants to climb mountains. Big ones. While not a deal breaker, he’s intrigued enough by the idea of climbing Everest to at least give it serious consideration. Anything 20,000 and under is a must do. And he thinks that it’s really cool that I want to climb them, too.
He’s witty. Which means he’s smart. And clever. Witty is key. Witty is weally, weally, impowtant. (Sorry.) Not witty? Deal breaker.
He’s a dreamer who sets goals and executes plans to achieve them.
He’s probably had a near-death experience. That way I would know for sure that he takes nothing for granted.
He knows how to pack a picnic basket without spending a fortune.
He’s okay with using recipes. And asking for directions. Or help in general.
He’s optimistic.
He’s a goof ball.
He leads with his heart.
And That Man is a really, really good kisser. Who absolutely loves to kiss.
When I meet a man that is clearly single, the first thing I ponder is what it would feel like to kiss him. I fear I am the only one who does this. It occurred to me just this week that I think kiss before anything else. I evaluate the make-out potential before I gain friendship. I was surprised that I hadn’t realized this tendency before. Becoming aware of it is probably because it doesn’t work for me now. It did in my 20s, for sure. Most favorite pastime, and one I hope to rekindle with That Man.
I imagine my make-out once over doesn’t always go unnoticed, and likely never ‘unfelt’. Which sets an encounter off in a direction, neither good nor bad, but one that reflects the choice to send out those kind of vibes at Hello, nice to meet you. It must send a message, one I don’t intend to send. My intuition tells me That Man will be a friend before he is anything else. And never confused by my signals. Whereas, I’m accustomed to love interests over here in this corner and friends over here in this one, I’m excited to experience a slow-breaking wave of a relationship curling from friendship to love. It feels most comfortable to me to experience love in that way – the opposite of the way I fell in love with The Genius.
While comfortable now, it’s not natural for me to put chemistry aside and focus on friendship. I’m not a ‘slow it down’ kind of girl, so this is going to take some retraining. I sense encounters in the near future to assist me, because this is a crucial lesson. That Man and I will absolutely be friends first and foremost. My aim is to not over-think it, not fight the speed of snail progression.
I love snails. I’m going to stop moving like Jagger and move like a garden snail.
That Man loves himself and others, with a conscious desire to never harm another being.
He’s very curious about life, the Universe, and me.
He loves the stars. And the moon and planets. The Milky Way. He’s a stargazer.
Who is That Man?
He hung the moon.
I have no idea where he is now.
Do you? Tell me in 200 words or less.
Who is That Man and where is he? I leave it in your hands, kittens.
Love yourself,
Cleo
That’s easy…he’s sitting down right now writing about The Woman he’s going to meet who loves deeply, plays hard, never hurts others and wants a respectful, honest and loving relationship with him
N,
A writer! Wouldn’t that be fun. We could stay up late spinning tales till our eyelids won the battle.
I hope all the kittens weigh in – I want to compile your replies – remember, Haikus accepted – and see who we create!
Thank you, N.
Love yourself,
Cleo
“We could stay up late spinning tales till our eyelids won the battle.”
That is really beautiful.
A,
Thank you, m’lady.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, It took me three years before I could even entertain the idea of dating. I went out with a few “interesting” characters-once. Then I met my sweetie and I was done. We both knew it right away but I also didn’t throw caution to the winds. I wanted to really know this man before I made any kind of commitment. We have been together 8 years this week but we have no intention of marriage or blending houses. We both love our time together and we both love our time apart. I live in the city, he lives in the country. Our shared passion is our sailboat and our motorcycles. I truly wouldn’t have it any other way.
D.
D,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. You have found Shangri-La. Bravo! It makes me happy to know you created exactly what you need.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh, Cleo. My bitter, bitter heart says he doesn’t exist. I want him to, so much, especially for you. But do you know who you just described? YOU. I didn’t wed until I was 33 years old, so I have known my share of men. Not one of them was a moon-hanger. They admire it, bask in its glow, even sit under it and dream. But hang it? Never. That requires whimsy and originality. YOU are a moon-hanger. You need to keep having this incredible love affair with yourself. That Man may not exist, but if you get most of that from yourself, then I really think you could be happy with a Less-Than-That-Man. I wish you all the happiness, luck, and moon-gazing you so deserve !
S,
“You need to keep having this incredible love affair with yourself.” Yes, S, I do. Thank you for reminding me of that. She’s been the best partner I could ever hope for over these last several months. We’ve created a ton of magic together and don’t plan to stop anytime soon.
Your words are so kind, and your heart looks fabulous to me. Bitters are for Manhattans – which I couldn’t drink if I was dying of thirst. Thank you for being here. Moon-Hangers R Us!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo – Hmmm, hard to come up with a short version of my story, but I will give it a try. A year and a half after my ex moved out, but three years after my “pocket call” I decided to actually try dating. My friends signed me up online one evening after tiring out from listening to me lament the lack of single men in our small town. I had to push my fear of being so “out there” aside and take comfort in the fact that at least the men I would meet would know ahead of time that I had three pre-teen children. After three weeks of meeting some interesting guys, I met the man who would become my current husband. I looked at dating as part of the journey, a lark to be enjoyed and have funny stories to tell my friends who had all been married 20 years (and knew nothing of online dating). When I met Mr. Right, we took it sloooowly. Although I felt he was pretty special, because of caution on both of our parts, and full custody of children, we saw each other about once a week. It took a year and a half before I heard, “I love you.” while I knew I had those feelings from about month two. During this time, I had to be trusting and knowing that what we had, at that time, was a good thing. He asked me to marry him six months after that. It has been a wild, wonderful ride! With a house of five teenagers, two jobs, two dogs, our marriage is the strength at the core.
While I do not know everything (far from it), I do know that to make the next relationship in your life work well, you need to be really comfortable with being who you are when you are NOT in a relationship. It also helps to have a good understanding of why your last relationship failed and the part we all play into the end of any marriage. From what I read of your journey, that is exactly what you have been doing. So, keep it up! My favorite quote is below, it helps to guide me “whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” by Max Ehrmann. Sort of my mantra, keeps me calm in the chaos.
Love,
Ruby
R,
Thank you for taking the time to share your tale. Wow – three weeks! 5 teens! 2 dogs! Sounds divine.
I’m truly excited about the encounters that are ahead for me. I’m going to slow down and enjoy the entire process. I may never find a true love, but I know I’m going to have a blast looking. I cherish my time alone with myself. I guess that means I dig her a lot. Love, really.
Because of the support I receive here and from my family and friends, I have been able to remain brave as I find my way through this first year post Pocket Call. The greatest gift has been the healthy love affair I have with myself. It has its good days and its amazing days, but each and every day I know that I am loved.
Oh, and we can talk for hours, or sit quietly and watch football. She eats whatever I cook. And we always want to go to bed at the same time.
Thank you for being here as I find my way, R. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo I love this post and as autocorrect anticipated I also live it. Wrote you once before about crying to clear space. And see what has come up? Beautiful wish, beautiful dream, beautiful life. It is all out there for you.
We are on roughly the same schedule under similar circumstances. My man who hung the moon sounds just like yours, and he showed up in that form about 4 months after I left my marriage. He had been there all along. A friend with whom I shared mutual respect and admiration. And because we are both who we are and were both married for the 12 years we knew one another beforehand, we did not ever see it for what it was.
When the time was right we woke up to it. And it happened just like you said. I am happier than I’ve ever been in a relationship — cannot believe it is all there for me, just like I dreamed. It is.
I wrote it down once, a long time ago, before I left my marriage. Like you did here. And it sounded so similar. I cried the whole time, realizing as i wrote it how completely wrong my marriage was for me. I had not yet made the decision to leave. But I am sure that the act of giving my dream a voice made it happen. I am so glad you wrote this. And that the pain of your marriage has had this silver lining: you now know exactly what you want and need and are entitled to. With a clarity you would never have had. One day soon it will be time for a thank you note to the genius for that.
Hugs and kisses. You are not alone. We are here with you and your dream partner is out there, waking up to his dream about you. I am certain that this post has moved you one step closer to true love.
A,
Such supportive, beautiful words and an inspiring tale. Thank you for taking the time to share it with us.
Thoughts become things…or dreams realized: “… I am sure that the act of giving my dream a voice made it happen.”
“I am certain that this post has moved you one step closer to true love.” I can’t even imagine the feeling… But I have butterflies pondering it. Some day, A. When the time is just right. Just perfect. And until that time I plan on having a blast with myself and my two dudes.
Thank you for your support and for being here. You motivate me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Umm in my mind you just described “Ryan Gossling”….Ha!! Go for it girl !!
C,
Ha! I must have forgotten to mention – That Man is not famous, infamous, well-known or enamored with spotlights. He’s low-key, but raucously funny, he’s quick to laugh, and laughs hard, and he knows how bag some blues. Not play the blues. Bag them. Although, since arriving on the west coast and wincing at the price of seafood, I’d love it if he could bag some salmon and bass. Not ass. Bass.
Oh, and he loves my friends. C – it’s been entirely too long. I love you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
i agreed with your mom when she said it before. 1 yr from divorce. i also agree with the assessment of who might be the right match for you and friends is key.
i met my husband at 21 and he watched me make mistakes and then after being friends for a year and a half (how long anyone knows to know someone) we got together. we dated and cohabitated for 7 yrs before marrying. then waiting another 5 yrs to have children. we took the time to work out issues before making the relationship more complicated with marriage and then children. we have had our issues however ultimately we have each others backs and that is most important. we can laugh and love in the same amount. the person is out there and as usual like a cliche’ – you will run into that person when you are least suspecting and when you have ultimately given up. because at that point you love yourself and are comfortable with yourself and then can attract the correct person to help you heal in life. a real partner.
you can do it. we all believe
love victoria in indiana.
and listen to your mother she is correct more often than not – this i also believe
V,
My mom has now made you her ninth child. She’s adding your name to the Christmas tree blanket, scouring the web to find you that perfect gift, and set your place at the head of the table for the holiday feast. I’ll be the one over here dating. I kid!!
Your love story is awesome. Although, my Mom would say that your decision to live together was ill-advised. That, to me, appears to be one of the few times when she isn’t spot on.
“you will run into that person when you are least suspecting and when you have ultimately given up…” I agree that I will not attract That Man unless I love myself fully, but the whole ‘give up’ part doesn’t resonate with me. While I enjoy pondering who That Man is, I am not on a hunt. Never will be. I don’t need That Man. It would simply be a sweet bonus. One that will likely happen. When the time is just right.
In the mean time, I’m going to try and rein in my kiss assessments! You, m’lady, should be prepared for my Mom to call you and tell you what a wonderful person you are. She’ll chat about her mid-western roots, ask you a ton of questions, and basically make you feel like a million bucks. She is magic. As are you. Thank you, V. I love how you speak it true. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dear Cleo… When you find him, would you ask him if he has a brother. ;P
xo,
S
S,
For you? Without question.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I agree with a previous poster that all the qualities you list describe YOU.
Which just goes to show that you truly are living the “love yourself” tagline. Which means you’ll attract that kind of person — like attracts like.
Although he may be able to hang the moon, this man is going to have some flaws, too. On this topic, I really like this idea from the book “Committed” by Elizabeth Gilbert, told to her by her husband, a gem buyer:
“A parcel is this random collection of gems that the miner…puts together. Supposedly, you get a better deal that way–buying them all in a bunch–but you have to be careful, because…[he’s] trying to unload his bad gemstones on you by packaging them together with a few really good ones. After I got burned enough times, I learned this: You have to ignore the perfect gemstones. Just put them away and have a careful look at the really bad stones. Look at them for a long time, and then ask yourself honestly, ‘Can I work with these? Can I make something out of this?’”
Basically, everyone has some “bad stones”/flaws in their personality, though we tend to get distracted by and focus on the perfect ones. It’s key for sustainability to be able to determine whether we’re able to tolerate the flaws.
So shoot for the moon, Cleo, but always look carefully at the bad stones!
xoxo,
Nic
N,
Like attracts like. That morsel of wisdom has come back to center stage this week. So, why not run with that. Play a little game with the Universe. I’m going to be specific in what I ask for, be ultra conscious of the energy I am projecting and make gratitude a priority. I want to see how many wildly magical encounters I can create in seven days.
The gem story – I’ll resist saying, What a gem! (I typed it, didn’t say it…) The list does look rather pristine, no? I pondered that. But what would the flaws be, if That Man comes from the heart, doesn’t hurt beings, is smart and witty, with smiling eyes (I added that one on twitter – it’s KEY!), and living a conscious life? A snaggletooth? Balding? (Love bald men.) Chews with his mouth open? That one would be a deal breaker. I wouldn’t be able to eat in his presence. Passive-aggressive? One-thousand-percent deal breaker. Can’t communicate emotionally? Deal breaker.
I’m envisioning a yogi who loves hockey and making out.
I know exactly where I’ll find him. The endangered species list.
Your parable will stay with me a long time…thank you, N. For this and so much more.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m envisioning Lloyd Dobler. Or a reasonable facsimile.
N,
I can see it now…the movie will be called, Say Wha??? or Don’t Say That! Did you know that John Cusack never married?
He’s walking down Stinson Beach……..
I’d date him.
Love yourself,
Cleo
6 years ago, my husband of 20 years passed away, leaving me a 47-year-old widow. He was very ill for 2 years prior, so it wasn’t a shock, I suppose. I loved being married. And he was a good husband. Before he died, he encouraged me to find someone else. What followed was a series of mishaps with Mr. Wrong. OK, several Mr. Wrongs, to be more accurate. A very wise friend, seeing my frustration, advised me to make a list – a very private list that only I would ever see. To list every single thing I was looking for in a mate. Her theory was that without that list, I was trying to force-fit Mr. Wrongs into me, which always turned out badly. So I made the list. I even included that he should have blue eyes. I felt self-indulgent, but I made the list. Less than a month later, I found Mr. Right. I hadn’t known him before. He literally ticked off every box on my list – down to the blue eyes! I married him, and 4 years later, we’re living our happily ever after. He’s my soulmate. My soul’s twin. We agree on nearly everything. We’ve never once had a fight. He adopted my fatherless children, and they adore him. But it all started with the list. Congratulations on your list. Now that you’ve made one, you’ll start to disregard those men who, while they’re no doubt dandy guys, don’t show up on your list. That’s OK. They’re just not for you. And now that you have your list, you’ll find him, sooner rather than later. You’re drawing him to you. Great job!
P,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your tale. I was JUST thinking about lists last night before going to bed. Whenever I make a list of things I need to do, I get them all done with relative ease. When I don’t make a list, I float around looking for whatever is shiny, begging for my attention.
My list of necessary attributes for That Man is incomplete. I’ll ponder it some more next time I am walking in the sand and add to the recipe. This week I am all about consciously creating magic. I’ve not been as focused on it, yet have lived in the present. It’s been a fun couple of days, but now I want to see what the Universe and I can pull off if we’re really synced, really in tune. It’s up to me to make that happen.
I’m excited to report on our efforts. I am so delighted for you – nothing like a wonderful love story to start my day. Thank you!
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have no interest in having another man; I’ve always been content with my own company, since childhood. But if That Man ever came into my life, I would know it and would be open to possibilities. I relate to your description of That Man and your “deal breakers!” To my own list I might have to add “must *not* be a musician (or performer of any kind)” like my 30-year marital partner. Too much ego in most of them. He would also need to be a “handyman” around the house and know how to wisely handle money.
N,
So good to see you here again.
Because the handyman has pride and the wise money handler has self-control. Both traits of a man with integrity.
Brilliant adds to the list, m’lady. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Careful! My spouse is handy and careful with money, but also more than willing to entertain and reciprocate the attention of women who don’t care that he’s in a committed relationship. Those two traits don’t necessarily translate to integrity.
D,
A prime reason why it is so important to cultivate our intuition. It’s a most miraculous tool. Especially for seeing the magic.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Amazing blog Cleo. I have just read them all and am now up to date. You inspire me. I have learned a great deal from you. It has been one heck of a hard year for me. My husband of 10 years (together17) confessed to an affair about 10 months ago. 2 weeks before our sons first birthday…. He left me to be with her. I begged and pleaded for him to stay and us to work on it. He had no interest, had to be with her. I am slowly learning how to be in this new life of mine. As I had been with him since I was 20. You inspire me to be strong and brave, no self pity. to focus on my relationship with myself and to know that my son and I alone are enough. As for dealing with him, you have taught me to proceed with grace. Thank you
H,
Thank you so much for your kind words and for your endurance! Reading all these words is like consuming two novels, at least. I hope you were in a comfortable position!
I am excited for you, H. Today may not look like you anticipated, but I know for certain that magic awaits if you continue to ground in this space, loving yourself and your son, recognizing self-pity for the black hole that it is, and opening your heart to the beauty of being vulnerable. We are here for you every step of the way as you make your way.
Not only will you proceed with grace, but you will glow while doing it. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wise words Cleo, thanks again! Yes, about 2 novels, it took me about a week or two. No way I could have sat and read all at once, especially with my one year old