Thanks to the kindness of readers, we have retrieved the Lost Post. At one point while writing a particular sentence in this post, I was somehow logged out of WordPress. It was a sentence on a topic I have never addressed here at HGM, by choice. I took that as a sign that I made the right initial choice – Don’t go there. When I logged back in everything that I had written to lead you up to that sentence was gone, including the sentence itself. I went outside and looked up at a crescent moon surrounded by a glittering gaggle of stars and thanked the Universe for being so proactive with me.
So when I lost the post at the end of the night, I could only imagine it was never to be read by anyone but me. (Not that there’s anything dramatic in it. It seems fairly commonplace for HGM.) I’m not fighting the signs – my peace and happiness depends on my ability to pay close attention. So off to bed I went, smiling at the humor in it all.
Then a few fabulous readers sent me the complete post. Somehow it snuck out there and then vanished. So I’m re-posting here. Once it flies around the globe locusts may emerge, clouds may spill out cats and dogs, or my lungs may morph into those of a mountain goat, making my Whitney summit attempt a surefire success. Or maybe you’ll just have a laugh, or ponder my day, or read it and go, Eh.
Without further ado…
Murky Water, Made by Marley
Lost a pound or two overnight – how was your day? I’m stoked that I can’t transmit this dis-ease via keyboard. It’s not pretty. But, thankfully, I didn’t get hit as hard as the boys and even managed to fit in a game of badminton with them. All while dealing with a bunch of nonsense from The Genius because he’s…oh, goodness…who knows how to unravel that mess. Let’s just say he resents that I’m a stay-at-home mom and leave it at that. You and I know that the less we talk about him the more progress we’re making so I’ll make this short and short. I’m starting to see more clearly through the murky waters of divorce.
So, my post about the ONE day in the last month (keep in mind I don’t get the one night and every other weekend experience – when he’s gone he’s gone) that I’ve hired a babysitter (paid for by the generosity of my Mom) and spent a whopping 10 hours without parental duties has lit him up. So, poof! There goes my Vision Quest week in Mammoth, where I was going to stay before heading to Lone Pine to bond with Whitney, because I was asked to vacate the house for the week.
Is it Groundhog Day around here? Didn’t we go through this once? While the specifics are different, the basic premise of my plans being upended – given then taken away then offered again – by The Genius is the same. This time I’m not playing the game. I’m staying home. I’m meant to be here. This is happening again for a reason. I obviously didn’t make the right choices last time. There’s something I am not getting. The same questions are coming through. One month ago, I wondered why my Yachats plans had shifted, and shifted again. Was I being rewarded? Was I being challenged to remain centered in the midst of chaos? What was I supposed to be learning in this situation? I wrote this on May 20th:
“Oh, goodness…this all seemed so scattered. Why these gyrations? I needed to understand why.
Because I have to learn how to be comfortable when I’m not in the driver’s seat. Both literally and figuratively. I need to learn how to remain centered and flexible in the face of upheaval. I’m being challenged continually to remain present, so I can observe and respond rather than react when life moves in unexpected directions. Not just when the direction looks exciting, but all the time. Every moment of every day.”
And here and now the same lessons are being presented. I nailed the ‘remain centered’ part today, and I was remarkably present. As I was being chastised, I tuned in and felt the words ‘hold steady’ and ‘remain still’. At one point he said something about me ‘swimming with dolphins’ and ‘my boyfriend’. It clicked immediately. I knew where this was coming from and I didn’t need to get caught up in a conversation that was born out of anger. But, I did need to recognize that the post I wrote, that he read, was a catalyst for this tense situation. And I wrote the post because I swam in the bay. I felt these three events were coming together to teach me something. I created this. Why?
Because now I need to be in the driver’s seat. I need to take the wheel. I need to stop engaging in situations that are not productive. I need to remain true to myself and not gravitate towards fulfilling a role because I feel it’s being expected of me. The only ‘role’ is not a role at all. I am me. Not a pawn, not a shape-shifter, but comfortable in my own skin, with my own values, beliefs, needs and boundaries. Designed by me, for me.
Thankfully, my Observer Self has been in high gear since Wednesday, and that has benefited me immensely. Especially today. I’m grateful that I had the presence of being to call on her. She showed me that the excitement brewing in me yesterday is still brewing now. No one can take that away from me. It comes from within. As does my happiness. Which is why I was able to remain centered today. She also showed me that my time with nature kicks off huge opportunities for spreading my wings, for growth, for lessons to be learned. With her assistance I feel rejuvenated, not depleted by my dust-up with The Genius. I feel grateful, not angry. I feel loved, not unloved. I feel confident.
When a tense situation comes to an end, I am still me. I am not the situation or the emotions that were flung about. By being present and centered today I gained confidence in myself. Which leads me to have greater trust in my ability to move forward, put a foot down, state a need, stand up for myself, remain true to myself. I can make moves on my own. I can trust that what I am feeling from an encounter is accurate. That I’m reading people and situations more clearly. I’m not losing myself and becoming undone when submerged in emotional chaos.
I’m going to take this confidence, bank it and add to it daily. Every time I pay attention to a sign I can stand a little taller. When I come from the heart I can rest a little easier. Every time I have an encounter and I remain true to myself, I am getting a little closer to creating the life I need to be living. I have a lot to accomplish in the next few weeks on many levels. It’s time to buckle down and focus. I can feel that this is an extremely pivotal time in my growth. In hindsight, these last five days may be the single most important time period to date since the Pocket Call.
This is a long, slow maturation process, but I am starting to enjoy observing myself as I experience it. I’m becoming less afraid, more competent. I’ll summit Whitney, even without the acclimatization. And I will continue to succeed at living a joyful life no matter what he tosses my way. Thanks to the constant guidance from all of you and my amazing family, I can weather anything. I have learned a great deal about what would be nice (but impossible) and what is sufficient (and doable). I’m aiming for sufficient from now on.
Not that I have to clear things up for 99.99999999999999999999999999% of you, but just to set the record straight for those who may not have read my most recent post, or um, misread it, I did not swim with dolphins. They rarely enter the bay. I’d be more likely to encounter an arachnid doing stand-up paddling (at which that eight-legged thing would rock) than swim with a dolphin. A porpoise maybe, not a dolphin. But how would I be able to tell one from the other – I couldn’t even see my own nose! I could have been surrounded by Atlantis and the cast from every Pirate’s of the Caribbean movie and I would have missed it all. Oh, and that boyfriend thing? Look, just because I share a bottle of wine with a being that comes complete with a penis does not mean he’s my boyfriend. But if he was, he would rock at that, just like the arachnid on the board.
If I had a boyfriend for every time I was told I had a boyfriend, well, I’d be one satisfied busy girl. With lots to write about. Alas, it’s not the case. So I’ll just write about needs. I swear. The next post. For sure. Unless something bat-crazy happens…
Love yourself,
Cleo
He is an ass
K,
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m a direct person and hope you take these comments in the spirit they are intended. You have my support, 1000%. The Genius — not so much. He needs to realize that pther people, outsiders, see his behavior as infantile. He did this — how DARE he inflict any more pain on you.
Two of my closest friends are going through ugliness with their ex’s or soon-to-be ex’s. Situations, like yours, where it was HIS doing. And the ridiculous behavior exhibited by them, and The Genius, is mind boggling. They give men a bad name
You, my dear, rock on with your bad self.
K,
Attracting only those who are direct in their communication without hidden agendas is one of my needs. Looks like it’s working! So grateful to have you here.
Yes, they do give men a bad name. I have a friend who married a woman and they had two children. After about 6 years he realized it wasn’t the partnership he needed. They talked about it. They got divorced. They have a solid relationship. They have two well-adjusted children who are loved by many as their ‘family’ expands. Well, that’s one way to do it, isn’t it? Or you can completely betray, lie and deceive your family for four years and then blame your wife when she wont’ ‘take responsibility’ for where ‘we’ are at. That’s the route The Genius chose. How very mensa of him.
I hope your friends join us. Rock on, m’lady.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow. Good for you. So many lessons are being hurtled your way. I think it must discombobulate (isn’t that a great word?) The Genius that you are on this amazing journey without him. Funny, he seems to have little issue with you being a stay-at-home mom prior to the Pocket Call and the Fallout. — again — his problem, not yours.
I am working on “loving detachment” with an especially challenging person in my life ( a parent). To realize there are behaviours that have nothing to do with me, to detach myself from the emotional charge while coming from a place of love and kindess. Phew. Tall order on some days (like today) but your posts are part of my inspiration and solace. You are touching people all over this blue marble!
Any word on Mr. J?
K,
Thank you so much for your kind words. “Loving detachment” is beautiful. Good thing coming from the heart does not require bending over. I’m done with that. I tried. I need to understand why I tried at all. But for now I’m just breathing deeply and staying centered so I can watch for the signs. I’m serious…something’s coming…
Mr. J…he had the pleasure of taking a boat up the coast for a friend this past weekend. He said he took pictures – maybe one will be suitable for a post and he’ll share it with us. We met for a few hours before he left. A thawing, if you will. He’s slowing lifting the canvases that have been drawn inside and peering to see what’s underneath. It’s going to be fascinating and beautiful to witness his growth. I hope he pursues the life he is meant to live with robust enthusiasm. I’ll be sure to keep you posted.
A wise woman once told me, We pick our parents. Does that resonate with you?
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’ll tell you, I have no idea why you think having the genius stay at YOUR home when he feels the occasional need to be with his kids is the right and/or good thing to do. Divorce kind of implies separation of households, does it not? If he wants to see his kids, he can damned well take them to his home. I know you think it might be good for the kids to have him in your home. I just think it’s very, very confusing to them. It implies togetherness that no longer exists.
And since this somewhat reminds me of my bs with my ex, it makes me mad that you are allowing him to dictate how and when he sees the kids. It’s not fair to them or you that he can randomly wander in when he feels like it and cancel plans because he has other issues. I strongly urge you to get into court and establish a set visitation schedule. If he consistently fails to follow it, then visitation should be rescinded.
This is about what’s good for your kids and what’s good for your kids is stability and a schedule and routine visits with their dad. I remember what it was like watching my girls sit on the couch waiting for dad to take them to the park as he promised only to have him either show up hours late or not show up at all. It hurt THEM and I got to a point (quickly) where I refused to allow him to hurt them.
I’m sorry if this comes off as an angry lecture, but I really don’t believe you’re doing anyone any favours by giving him this power over you and your kids. His job gets in the way? Too bad, let him get a job with stable hours or let him take the time off to make good on his visitation. If he fails to do that then that should tell you bunches about his priorities.
As to the “boyfriend” it’s none of his business and that is a boundary that needs to be drawn. You keep talking about boundaries but I think your definition of boundary is different from mine.
I know this about your almost zen transition into divorce but seriously, your kids are the ones that deserve to have a father who is willing to make sacrifices for them. That includes doing whatever he has to do to see his kids on a regular basis. You’re allowing him to dictate what he will do and when he will do it. Nothing good can happen from giving him that level of power over you and your kids.
D,
I am in love with your Mama Bear-ness! Bring it on, m’lady! Just as I lap up the ‘you are so brave and wonderful’ comments, I devour the ones that set me straight.
First, in fairness to The Genius, if he could see the children every day he would. He moved out in January and has been on the road since March so he did not elect to keep a residence mainly because it would be a waste of cash to have it sit vacant for the bulk of the year. Unfortunately neither of us can dictate how and when he sees the boys, only his boss can. And work is essential to fund life. I’m appreciative of his efforts to support us, and I am grateful that he has the opportunity to do so. The boys are accustomed to this because it’s been the cadence of our lives since we married. He’s home for a few weeks and then gone for many. My role is to parent 24/7, which I am also grateful to have the opportunity to do.
He is also working diligently to create an opportunity that will allow him to stay in the bay area with only occasional travel. I hope that works out for him, if that’s how it is to play. But, in the end, I can only establish rules and boundaries for me to follow. While he co-owns this house with me, it is my dwelling. It’s no longer going to serve as a place to stay. I am finished packing and unpacking bags for trips that may or may not materialize due to the whims and emotional upheaval of TG. I am also going to be much more aware of any tugging on my power. It’s mine. Mitts off, I say. I am a grown-up, I will share with a fire with whomever I chose, man, woman, amphibian…it only matters to me.
Your words are so resonating with me. It’s the feisty confidence that I’m drawn to. I hope you don’t mind that I banked some of it. D, thank you. Massive loving hugs flying in your direction.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I just hate to see you taken advantage of as I was long ago. As women, I think we tend to go overboard to accommodate our children’s fathers for the sake of our children. Unfortunately, they never seem to do the same for us.
As to his job, yes, it’s what he does. It’s what he’s been doing and while you were together, that was fine and acceptable. It is not, however, acceptable for him to make plans he can never seem to keep. That is HIS problem and he should not be allowed to make that your problem. You and your kids have a life to live that should not be dependent on whether or not he can show up.
The boyfriend thing just chaps my ass. Um, hello! He cheated, which propelled you along this divorce journey. He has no place to comment on any relationship you have even if you choose to sleep with the entire UN as long as your kids aren’t involved. I guess you don’t call him the genius for nothing.
Anyway, yeah. There are things that really push my buttons and hypocrisy and craptastic fathering are merely 2 of them.
D,
I’ve come back to your words time and again…they are guiding me well. Thank you. I’ve come to understand that I am compromising myself by having anything other than an arm’s length, mature co-parenting existence. I come back to a thought I had when trying to come to terms with needing to leave him. I wouldn’t socialize at a cocktail party with someone like The Genius, so how in Arachnid’s name could I remain married to him? I don’t jell well with liars. It’s that simple. Honesty has been a value of mine since I was a tot.
Now, the UN. Can we pick another option? How about one hockey player from each team that resides in a place where it actually snows? Or a soccer team…breath, Cleo, breath. Those men are beautiful. But mostly, I’d like to look into the eyes of an honest man who is at peace with himself, genuinely content, full of joy and living an optimistic life to its fullest.
It’s going to be so delicious when that moment arrives. Thank you, love you, owe you, D.
Love yourself,
Cleo
All I can say is that I had to come to a place where I made myself know what I would and would not accept from another person. 1995 was the worst and the best year for me. I endured, no, allowed, a ton of crap from the ex until I actually became clinically depressed for the first (and thankfully, last) time. I had to sink into the blackest parts of my soul to find and own myself. I had to change what I could and try to embrace the rest.
I had to know what I wanted but most importantly, what I absolutely, totally and utterly did not want. I can tell you it was not fun. In fact it was the most un-fun time I’ve ever been through. But I came out the other side and the universe must have decided that I was on the right path because it then presented me with my husband who is the best man I have ever known. I was blessed. I don’t know why, but I am grateful for it everyday.
All I know for a certainty is that you absolutely cannot let anyone dictate your life to you. They must not be allowed to dominate and control in tiny increments. It’s your life and you have to take responsibility for how happy you will or will not be. And happy never comes because you allow passive-aggressive control over you.
I will say that I am going to hell no matter how blessed I am now…my ex is a lonely, bitter man who, some 20 years later still blames me for his problems and hold me in contempt. I feel sad for him. I guess I’m supposed to permanently be responsible for his choice to boink every woman he meets and drink to excess. Yeah, right, whatever. I refuse to own what is not mine.
Love YOURSELF enough to make clear, well defined boundary lines and own only what was yours to begin with.
I really really really hope TG has the brains to do a little soul searching of his own after he reads some of the comments. It’s not uncommon for the person who put the ball in motion to feel angry and even victimised. It comes from guilt and it comes from that dark place where you have not searched and owned your own soul from the fear of what you’ll find there. He may never find it, and in that case, all you can do is love yourself more than you dislike him. You are not a victim, you’re a contender.
D,
Thank you for your words of wisdom. You rock, D.
Being a victim is never rewarded, but we’re often led to believe it is. The old ‘woe is me’. I was there, I did that, and it got me nowhere. Post Pocket Call, I realized that it’s my responsibility to live my life with joy. There’s no reason not to. Then I, like you, began my excavation and have been rewarded hourly since.
I’m starting to understand what pleases me, and when I take care of that by nurturing my needs and respecting my boundaries I am pumped full of joy.
Sometimes I feel that I’m solving one riddle after another…I love riddles.
Love yourself,
Cleo
What I meant to say up there is that I’m going to hell because I allow myself to take satisfaction from my ex’s miserable existence from time to time. A mean girl lives inside of me and she occasionally points and laughs.
…and yet he found the time to continue on a lengthy affair while working and having a family at home. Seems to me that if you truly want to make time to see those that are special in your life you can make that happen, just saying! YOU are the reason he is able to continue working in the position that he has and if you had been a “not-at-home-working-momma” then he wouldn’t have been able to keep up with his out of town travels because something would have slipped so I hope that one day he will be as appreciative of your efforts as you are of his.
At some point in the future, he will have to hold a secondary residence and the kids will have to become accustomed to visiting Dad in a new place – a hotel suite for the week is a lot cheaper than renting a vacant condo for months on end – kids love stayng in hotels!
PI,
He had/has all the freedom in the world. Always did. Never told no. Yes, without me here, and being an ultra-responsible Mom, he would be in a whole different boat. But trust me, he will see none of that. He is NEVER wrong. Ever. Which is fine by me because my life is not about him in any way, shape or form. He’s not part of it. I have moved on wholly. And happily.
He is still spending the week with the boys, he just wanted to be able to control exactly how it played out. And because I create my own reality it played out exactly as I needed it to. So very grateful. I’m going to have an EPIC week.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Your support is much appreciated.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I am SO glad this post didn’t disappear!
Cleo, you sound so loving and supportive, even of your ex. It is very very sweet and will serve you well in the coming years (decades).
As you were a stay at home mom before the Pocket Call, it’s kind of fair that you get to continue that role. I wish I had had that luxury. Luxury–sorry–bad word there….I wish I had had the OPPORTUNITY to stay home with my daughter when she was little. SUCH an important time!!!!!!! We did ok, though…
What to expect: Every cent you get from the Genius is going to be Mad Money, in that he’ll increasingly be MAD about “giving” it to you. If you buy a pair of flip flops at the drug store, he’ll be giving them the Evil Eye!
I kind of understand what it must be like to pay alimony and/or child support. It must make people MAD!
But I was SO KIND that I never increased the child support when I got laid off at age 50! And my income went WAY down, and his went WAY up! I still don’t regret being ethical actually, even though I got severely poor….
When your kindness overtakes you, and I suspect you are a very very kind person, DO create “Da Judge” in your mind. Da Judge will analyze everything objectively, and hand out the fairness.
In all fairness, I think you’ve been ultra sweet to allow the ex to live at your home when you’re not there! I hope you have a great attorney to help settle these fiscal details. They are very, very important!
I am sorry you’ve been sick. Wah!
love you girl, J
J,
Me, too! It wasn’t award-worthy, but it was important to me and I was sad that the words floated away. Then, when returned like a lost kitten, so happy.
Thank you for your kind words. I do have a big heart. I’m grateful for that. In the past I sure could have been kinder, but Nature has taken care of that. I have to look out for being too kind. Which can be a version of controlling something. It’s a fine line. Right now I feel very centered with it and am delighted to bring smiles to the faces of those I encounter. And while I have forgiven The Genius, that doesn’t mean I have to get all cozy with him. I can still live by my boundaries andeliminate any interaction with The Genius that isn’t directly centered on the well-being of the children.
Feeling much better and ready to push for the summit, m’lady!
Love yourself,
Cleo
After reading the latest post I thought I would share with you a bit of wisdom.
“I am only resolved to act in that manner, which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness, without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me.” -Jane Austen ‘Pride and Prejudice’
I used this as a mantra while dealing with the shenanigans of my EX. Something written 200 years ago kept me grounded and my boundaries in firmly in place.
My other bit of wisdom, get a good lawyer. Things need to be black and white. That doesn’t mean contentious, just clear. Good divorces can easily go pear shaped in a hurry. Protect yourself, financially and legally. You will be glad that you did.
L,
I read the quote from Jane Austen a dozen times last night. Thank you for sharing it with me. When first read it may come across as selfish, but we know it’s really about self-care. When the manner in which we act constitutes our own happiness (Jane Austen) we attract that which compliments us beautifully as we walk on our path (MPLP).
Her words are a focus for me now. Thank you so much for sharing them. And for your words of guidance. I am on it, m’lady. Taking the wheel.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Fantastic, that’s my girl (seriously, no patronising…it’s awesome how things piece together to validate an authentic path).
Now let’s take a quick moment ( that’s a lie, I am about to vent) to review that spectacular, juvenile outburst from the genius (he officially after this faux pas, does not get capitals!!) I hadn’t realised he actually read your blog. That he is aware yes, but reading it hell no.
So this one is for you Mensa man.
Cleo, have you ever noticed how your presence, just your mere being can bring out the worst in people, with no effort or input on your part?
This is because you and the awesomeness you bestow, make unfaithful, deceitful, manipulative people feel small in their skin. Deep down a person knows that they have behaved cruelly. Genius lashed out (IMHO) because you my dear are getting on with life, moving forward and are paying attention to you rather than regretting the breakdown of the marriage or the individual who played the major role in breaking it and your family apart.
You have taken responsibility for your part in what went wrong, you have graciously acknowledged your flaws and as we can all see, are taking huge strides to grow emotionally. It’s a beautiful thing to see and an outright threat the genius.
The tantrum, the one thrown by the genius…is the action of a defensive, ashamed man. He should be. Anyone knows that it takes courage to tell your mate you are not happy and things need to change. Having an affair, is craven and nothing you can say will ever make your actions valid. So when faced with true courage you have to pull it down anyway you can.
It’s a defence mechanism and I totally get it, I do. I feel for genius in so much as he has to live with himself and his actions, that cannot be easy. However…intentionally hurting another person because you don’t really like yourself…not cool dude, step up and own the fallout like a man. Cleo married you knowing who you are, this to me means you clearly have a modicum of integrity. The genius needs to find that original self, it might make his life easier, you never know…he may find he likes the original genius and with any luck come back to himself.
So it’s official, kittens have claws and we do like to scratch. I apologise to all and sundry for any offence caused in this little tirade of mine (readers & author alike). I will not however stand by while my momma cat get’s to question herself because of someone else’s insecure projections!!
We take care of each other in this Pride, we are all here because we paid the price for not loving someone their way…all of us were ‘punished’ for something we weren’t even made aware of. To step into this pride with hypocrisy…you will find no quarter here.
MPLP
MLP,
You delicious morsel, you. Thank you for taking the time to create this comment. And for your eternal support. (You do know you signed up for life and beyond, right?)
I’m coming to a place where I am able to see the humor in it all, as I love the boys deeply, respecting how challenging this is for them. I feel lighter every day. Tonight, as I sit under the full moon, I will further commit to my independence and continued gentle care for my spirit. Words from TG will not affect me anymore.
I am free, kittens. Let’s go find some yarn and some milk and get all cat crazy in celebration!
MLP, you know how grateful I am for your presence.
Love yourself,
Cleo
C,
To infinity and beyond (I always wanted to say that!!!) yes my friend, we are Karmically linked…eternally.
You know, I lived in SA for almost twenty years and never knew we had our own version of a skunk! It’s called a Stinkmuishond (I know right…it just rolls off the tongue) directly translated it means a stinkmouse dog! Anyway my point is…my beautiful Alaskan Malamute at the time managed to find the only one my family and I have ever encountered…we did the tomato sauce bath, which on a dog the size of a wolf I can assure you was no small feat. I recall the whole experience vividly and yet, the word/concept of sensual never came to mind, not even close. Only you could assign such passion to such a horrendous task. This is why you write…and I like stringy cheese and quarks. Creative vs scientific, harmony and balance. Sensual my butt.
MPLP
M,
Leave it to the South Africans to create the most perfectly suited word for a skunk. And m’lady, can you believe we both had Alaskan Malamutes? Mine, Juneau, was followed by two Rhodeshian Ridgebacks. Further evidence that despite no concrete discovery of the God Particle, we are karmic sisters. S…hoot…we were probably married in some lifetime.
Now what the hay is a quark?
Love yourself,
Cleo
OMG…now I know we are meant to meet. I was born in Rhodesia ( as it was called at the time) ridgey’s and Mallies the only two dogs to have as friends (pets). I loved your Mallies name, mine was more original…Alaska
. As for quarks, well m’lady I direct you to the awesome universe of info known as thehttp://www…seriously it’s a hellishly boring and complicated little sucker to explain. It does however have (to me at least) the most beautiful attribute names like up, bottom, strange, charm, top etc one day we’ll pontificate about physics. I don’t work in the field, not enough money and as you have seen from my jeans collection I am rather high maintenance 
)
Take care C, looking forward to the feedback from Whitney, be safe my friend.
MLP
Xx
M,
Ridgeback names: Zimba and Gaza. Now my pets are named after bears. With the exception of HMK. Who is I’m sure plotting my dismemberment since I departed and did not offer to carry him to the summit so he could eat his roasted chicken and rice whilst taking in the view.
I will blow a kiss East in your honor, MLP. You’ve been such a great source of support for me and you’ve made me laugh countless times. I will celebrate your presence on the blue marble as I stand a top Whitney.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh wow – @ Karen and Cleo – “loving detachment” is such a perfect term for what I’m striving for in a relationship I’m dealing with right now. Its that step after forgiveness where you’re on stable ground and allow people to blow around you and accept you’re in different places.
Thanks for putting a name for it that sums it up so aptly – I have to confess I’m struggling with it a bit, but am taking things day by day.
Here’s to more joyful living!
Warmly,
J
J,
Spectacular, isn’t it? It’s a guiding principle for me right now. And it’s working beautifully. Thanks for the props to Karen. I love it when appreciation pours forth.
Super joy!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Why does he CARE??? It bothers him that you are a stay at home mom and that you may or may not have a boyfriend?? Just go off with your happy dance chick….he has no right to have any irritation with you. The joke is on him because he is not happy with her….or he could care LESS about what you are doing. I know from personal experience. Cleo just focus on you. Don’t give two S!?$ about what he is doing or feeling!! Phew I feel better. I agree with the first comment.
J,
I feel freaking better too, and I was feeling pretty phenomenal before reading your comment! Oh, to have been sitting across the table from you with a spicy Zin between us as you poured that forth. Can you be my spokesperson?
You, me and everyone who is a true supporter of HGM seems to have a natural inclination to seek ways to become a better person, and thereby a more advanced soul, a happier spirit, a learned sage if you will. I’m so grateful we all have a place to congregate. We’re so god for each other. And that’s exactly what I need. Thank you, J. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo –
I am devoted to your blog, actually, to you. Just one question, and it’s meant to be nonjudgemental, truly. Do you regret telling the Genius about your blog?
M,
Oh, you are so very kind. Questions are questions – no offense taken, m’lady.
The answer in a morsel – No. Not a bit. I had to be honest. I wasn’t going to hide what I was doing. In the beginning of HGM I wrote for me. And a couple hundred people stumbled on my blog. No need to tell him about that. Then 40,000. (BTW, word to The Genius…never wrote a press release. It’s been word of mouth.) When it got to that point I had to tell him because to not would be deceitful. I aim to make writing my career, which has been my dream for a long time. And, as I’m sure you can imagine, the ONLY thing The Genius cares about with regard to me is when I’m going to earn a living. That’s it. Not whether I’m okay given his obscene betrayal, not whether I’m healthy, not whether I am able to parent effectively a 5 and 7 year old on my own. No. None of that. The only thing he cares about is when I’m going to get a job to make his burden easier.
Shocker, right?
So I thought it prudent to tell him that I am choosing to be a writer. And one day I’ll take care of me and the children on my own, and the support that he will still have to pay me? I’ll bank it for the boys and continue to teach them the value of being charitable. Maybe we’ll be able to help out a single mom who can’t feed her kids because her husband walked.
Thank you for asking that question. I won’t change the way I write. I won’t change what I write about. I am committed to living by my boundaries. No matter who reads HGM. Stay close, M. So grateful to have you here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m so glad you asked that question, M.
I happened upon this bit of wisdom from my favorite poet immediately after finishing your last post. Naturally, you were the first thing that came to mind.
-N
What is required of us is that we love the difficult and learn to deal with it. In the difficult are the friendly forces, the hands that work on us. Right in the difficult we must have our joys, our happiness, our dreams: there against the depth of this background, they stand out, there for the first time we see how beautiful they are.
~Rainer Maria Rilke
N,
“…there against the depth of this background, they stand out, there for the first time we see how beautiful they are.”
And how beautiful we are…thank you, N. For sharing these beautiful words.
Love yourself,
Cleo
OK – This post has stuck with me. And it must have stuck with others as your comment, “Let’s just say he resents that I’m a stay-at-home mom and leave it at that” has really hit home to many.
My big question is did he say this? Or send this “vibe.” There is a difference . . . .Because in reality I don’t believe him. I feel he is just looking for comments to upset you and now I feel he is just plain mean. And mean makes me sad.
Take care of yourself!
A,
This is where I get tripped up – I’m not certain what motivates his words or thoughts, except that they are selfish in nature. I imagine it’s not unusual for a man who is the sole earner in a two parent household to resent the stress of being in that position, but a grounded person would see the value in having one parent be a stay-at-home parent when the children are this age, if its possible and both parents want to take on those roles. An even semi-grounded person would see the value of a stay-at-home parent in the early months of divorce, AND when the working parent’s schedule is SO unpredictable.
What he said was, Get a job. And, I’m not paying for your ‘vacation’. Or your clothes. (The vacation being the week that he asked me to vacate the home.) I could go on…and on… I’m not going to venture to guess what the motivation is behind his outbursts of anger.
He doesn’t want to be the sole earner right now, and I am unwilling to disrupt the boys’ lives any further by placing them in daycare. Oh, and about being an entitled brat who’s desire to be a writer is a frivolous pipe dream?
Well, I’m sure you all have an opinion about that one…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Not to point out the obvious but you are a writer. There is no ‘want to be’.
And…we are your faithful readers.
L,
Get over here you gorgeous Canadian (I assume that from your email address)…I have to kiss you! I’m so touched I want to go roll in wildflowers in a sun dress and have a happy ending. That said, on a serious note, I want to thank you for taking the time to say that to me. I’m still swimming to the surface, past the insults that The Genius has lobbed my way. Those insults have, in the past, created massive doubts within me. Some altered me for years. While he has said that I am a good writer, any compliment was tinged with something like resentment or an inability to celebrate anything about me. I’m too close to the situation to be able to really understand what was going on there so my description is not spot on…I bet one day I’ll figure it out. But for now it’s just nice to know that his insults had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him.
And it’s also nice to have you here. I’m serious, I want to kiss you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
A Canadian Lady who lives in The Middle East;)
L,
I’ll take care of Canada while you are away! I’ll say it again…I should have married a Canadian. Preferably Ron Duguay. But I missed my turn there. He’s happily ensconced in the arms of a lady. And, quite frankly and happily, I’m not marriage material anymore.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Whoa, someone’s new life isn’t making him happy. What did he think an ex-wife and two kids cost? Oh wait, he didn’t. You were never supposed to find out. Sadly, it sounds like he misses his life from before. Not before he met the other lady, just before the Pocket Call. Now he resents you. DOLPHINS. In his mind he added *dolphins*. If I’m thinking of my ex I’m adding in sharks, personally, but this guy tosses in Flipper. Five bucks says your “boyfriend” looks like Olivier Martinez in the Genius’ mind. (I kind of hope he does in real life because that would be great for you.) I’d say I can’t believe he’s doing this but I so can. After upending your life he wants you to make even more changes to make his easier, and this change will affect your children! (It did my nephew when my sis had to go back to work for insurance/financial issues this year. He’s only 4 and it’s been…..a process for the little guy
)
Whoa, someone’s new life isn’t making him happy. What did he think an ex-wife and two kids cost? Oh wait, he didn’t. You were never supposed to find out. Sadly, it sounds like he misses his life from before. Not before he met the other lady, just before the Pocket Call. Now he resents you. DOLPHINS. In his mind he added *dolphins*. If I’m thinking of my ex I’m adding in sharks, personally, but this guy tosses in Flipper. Five bucks says your “boyfriend” looks like Olivier Martinez in the Genius’ mind. (I kind of hope he does in real life because that would be great for you.) I’d say I can’t believe he’s doing this but I so can. After upending your life he wants you to make even more changes to make his easier, and this change will affect your children! (It did my nephew when my sis had to go back to work for insurance/financial issues this year. He’s only 4 and it’s been…..a process for the little guy
)
It’s so weird because we’ve never met but I do feel some sort of affection for you. Just…..I hope good things for you. You know what you need to do at this point, your post lays it all out, so I have no advice just lots of growling (toward the Genius) and my fingers crossed that he decides to stop making everything more difficult than it needs to be.
E,
Olivier Martinez…oh, my. Had to splash my face with cold water…
Independence Day has stirred up my own need for independence, yet desire for connectedness. I like the challenge of this balancing act. I believe that it’s a key need to tend to right now. Tonight’s full moon will help me set free any attachments to words from The Genius. With each passing hour his journey and mine become separated by millions of miles of space.
After I read your comment I thought about how I feel a deep affection, and love really, for each and every person who takes the time to read my words here at HGM. We’ve become so close because we’ve been so honest with each other. From that honesty comes a great deal of respect and affection. Its a beautiful, tear-inducing feeling. Thank you so much for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Upon googling my name I came across your site. I’m flattered to have found one of my paintings “murky water” on it. Just wanted to say keep your head up. Keep expressing your thoughts and feelings. That’s how I got through my ex’s infidelity. The painting you posted was one I did while feeling like I was under water and couldn’t breathe because I was so confused with where my life was going to go after I found out. Five years later, many paintings and lots of blogs I can say I’m in a better place. It takes time to process everything. And you’re doing a great job. Hold your head up get out of the water and breathe. Most importantly don’t let his opinions of anything you do bother you. Of course he will try to make you feel guilt for having time for yourself. Wit his guilt running high he has to divert blame somewhere. So do as you said. Take the wheel and keep driving ahead. You’re sure to find the road you want to take.
M,
SO glad you found us here at HGM. Your painting is stunning. I’ve looked into her eyes countless times, always seeing something fresh.
I am not at all surprised the hands that created that work of art belong to a woman who knows the path I’ve been walking. Are you?
It all works so perfectly…stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo