Your husband’s having an affair. So what do you do? Read him the riot act, tell him to shape up or ship out, and – what other cliche would my Mom use? – face the music? Or do you do what I did? After three nights of sleeping on the couch (I didn’t want to be in our room) I went back to our bed. I wanted to be held. I was hurting inside and I just wanted to be comforted.
He couldn’t hold me. He tried and couldn’t. I began shivering so hard, uncontrollably. It kept me awake half the night. My emotions were ricocheting off each other. Shattering into more and more complex feelings which only moved faster and crashed harder. I couldn’t keep track of how I was feeling. I should have matched shoes to emotions. Then I could have just looked down to know how I started my day. Because the end was always so different.
I dragged my wrecked body out of bed in the morning feeling like we were strangers. Two people who could barely make eye contact but are pretending things are okay for the sake of their children. For one week we meandered about, tending to the kids, and for three of those seven nights participated in a nice round of Cleo-bashing. Which isn’t to say I didn’t get in my digs.
I only wanted to know one detail about his affair with the Happy Dance chick. How long had it been going on? Easy to answer. One year. The balance of the conversations were about the problems in our marriage that led to the void which, as he says, “allowed him to let someone else in.”
That was my Giant Mistake…of that week. I should have made him go through every gory detail of his double little life. Made him relive it, lie by lie. He probably would have looked at me, shook his head and said I’m not gonna take any more of this, and walked out of the room. But if I could have pulled a Meryl Streep out of my very small (one six-week acting class, but I killed it) thespian hat, perhaps I could have lulled him into at least a good 30-minute episode of “This Is Your Affair!”, hosted by you, Loser.
Should we talk about the problems in our marriage? Yes. But I should have also drilled down, if you will, on the affair. I let myself down by not doing so. By focusing on our problems and putting the affair aside for the time being, I validated his justification for cheating on me. He did it to “fill the void”. I focused on finding out if I could repair our marriage and fill the void instead of why he choose to fill it by embarking on a fantasy relationship built on lies and deceit that had a real solid shot of destroying our family. Instead of, say, therapy?
The morning after I shivered myself down a dress size, I asked him why he wasn’t able to hold me in bed. “If you can’t even touch me how are we going to repair our relationship?”
I got flustered. I didn’t want to have…
He trailed off.
My eyes got big. I couldn’t help it. He noticed.
“You thought I wanted to have sex with you?”
I had minimized the affair so much that he actually thought I wanted to have sex with him. I turned to the coffee machine and mouthed a conversation of disbelief at the wall while I went heavy on the decaf. I was already jacked-up enough.
“No, I don’t want to have sex with you, and you’d have to get tested for STDs before I would even consider it.”
Gone was the desire to be comforted by him. I was starting to feel the strain. The high of family love and support had faded, and I was aching from the massive swings of emotions that blew through my body hourly. We needed professional help and he wasn’t asking for it. I was hoping he would be proactive and take that step, but we couldn’t wait any longer.
We were in full-blown crisis mode.
I just heard your interview on Cocktails with Patrick, so came to read!
I have been through similar. The killer for me (and here) is … where is the heart wrenching apology? Where is the begging for forgiveness? Where his pain for causing you pain? and you pushed him into this? How if he never communicated to you what his issues were BEFORE he acted on them? phooey!
Yeah, these are all rhetorical and Im writing out of experience and frustration.
Anyone who causes someone this much pain and cant emphathize, feel remorse or even hurt for them…well there is something really really wrong with that person.
Hi Kelli –
Thanks for taking the time to comment, and read, and comment, and read, and comment!
One of the characteristics of a narcissist is lack of empathy. Better put, inability to empathize. There was no heart-wrenching apology. (Perhaps he’s heart-less?) He has never once asked for forgiveness. And he never once sat me down and said, “You’ve created a void in me and I’m about to go fill it with some chick at LAX so let’s divorce or get counseling or whatever.” Yea. Not once. But…if you have read my last post, “I Created My Divorce”, you know why he never said it. It was supposed to go down in exactly this fashion for him and for me.
Please stay with me, Kelli. It’s so much more fun with you here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Amen Kelli! You hit the nail of the head with that last sentence.
S,
Thank you for taking the time to comment on HGM. Bitterness is such a hard emotion to let go of, to send on its way. Working with our feelings, and not being ‘run’ by them is essential. Emotions, needs, desires, thoughts, fears…they all need to have a home and be cared for so that they can morph and grow as life meanders on.
However, I don’t believe that one’s emotions, actions, thoughts, feelings or fears or extra 10 pounds, or hectic life ‘pushes’ the spouse or partner into having an affair. Perhaps I’m focusing on semantics, but it is so important for those who have been betrayed by their souse’s infidelity to fully realize that nothing they did caused that betrayal.
People have choices to make in life. What’s the challenge of sitting down with one’s spouse and saying, “I’m not happy. I’m starting to feel like I want to have an affair. We need to talk about this and decide how we can carry forth because I don’t want to betray you.”
Cowards will avoid that conversation and muck up their entire Universe. Brave souls who value honesty will do it even though it hurts.
I wish there were more brave souls in our world, S.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow. What a trip reading something that mirrored my life and emotions to the tee! I am a San Fran mom of two young girls and found out my husband was cheating on me( IPhone, naked pics, raunchy texts….the whole shibang) with his “student teacher” 10 years younger than me. I know your story so well. Thank you for sharing. The best free therapy I have had in the last 3 years. BTW, now I am running my own business and living a happy life. He married the slut too. Now he is in marital hell with a indentured slave/wife dealing with his lame excuses for why he sucks at life. Poor him, go me!
K,
Go You! is right! The best therapy for me is to sit with the amazingly thoughtful (and by thoughtful I don’t mean sweet or kind, I mean that it took time for people to bring forth intuitive messages that I needed to read) words of everyone who takes the time to comment and weave them into my spirit.
Thank yo for taking the time to comment and share. I can feel your joy. So I’m taking you on my epic hike tomorrow. Limantour awaits.
Love yourself,
Cleo
“By focusing on our problems and putting the affair aside for the time being, I validated his justification for cheating on me.” —Oh my god you poor thing!!! Holy CRAP! What a jerk, deflecting the blame onto you. F him!!!
B,
That was a low point. I let myself down. But I learned from that lesson in such a massive way that I am nothing but grateful.
Love yourself,
Cleo
The more I read of your blog, the harder it is for me to stop reading it . . . and the more I realize that we both have very similar writing styles . . . 100% open, honest, and unabashed . . . and I find it interesting that you had so many of the same emotional and physical actions/reactions that I had in almost the exact same situations . . . for you it was getting into his Skype, for me it was getting into her Facebook (the treasure troves of truths that can’t be denied, once one “gains access” to them)
W,
Thank you for your kind words. I don’t know how to write any other way. I actually don’t know how to speak any other way as well. The Genius recently said, “You drop bombs when you speak.” Too bad my aim was off!
I hope that you are on a path that is as littered with opportunities for growth, love and laughter as I am. It’s often scary, but I’m not backing down now.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh Cleo – I’ve done the bed shiver thing myself, while he slept peacefully on the other side after I found out – get this – at my brother’s wedding reception – he had an affair.
No need to comment. I’ve emailed you and I know you get alot of postings. I just wanted to say I can relate. Counselor tells me that’s textbook traumatic stress reaction. Sadly it happens often enough it has a name.
I want to tell you how wonderful it is that you respond to those who comment with such humor and kindness. I really feel like I’m part of a family here. Thank you for writing this.
D,
I appreciate you taking the time to comment. It’s so important that we all know we aren’t experiencing these things alone. That shivering uncontrollably is not because one is cold. That the hatred or anger directed at the betrayed spouse is a symptom of deep emotional problems with the cheating spouse. That there is no justification for adultery.
That if we stick together we can emerge from betrayal intact, better than ever, and faster than anticipated. I know we can. I am so grateful you are here. Yes, D. We are a family. And from where I sit, we are hilarious, super fun to be around and so lovable.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi.
I just came upon your site in a somewhat convoluted internet wandering way.
I found out about my husbands secret second life three years ago.
He had been cheating with one woman for 8 years by the time I found out.
I sent him away and haven’t spoken or seen him for three years and am just now divorcing him (after 11 years of the nightmare being set into motion).
We have three children. They communicate with him in a way I don’t.
I just want you to know…….I have had true magic in MY life since banishing my husband from it. Magic.
Obviously, he was blocking that magic.
We had sweet marriage for 16 years before he decided it was okay to destroy our relationship. It was.
I love the entry where you said people communicate about problems in their marriage and don’t have affairs.
Yes.
C,
I am so grateful that you found HGM and that you took the time to let me know you are here. Thank you.
Communication is the foundation of our experience here on this planet. Everything we do revolves around communication. It’s fascinating how we stumble so often in our attempts to communicate with each other. That alone makes me believe that mastering loving, honest and compassionate communication is our top goal here on the planet. We’ve got to figure it out! Then true interpersonal love will flourish.
So we must find the magic in figuring out the riddle. Thank you for causing me to pause and ponder this idea. I look forward to layign on the beach under a full moon and attempting to unravel it all. I hope you will stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
It really helps to read about what other people feel during such a horrible time. I too am dealing with my spouse cheating on me. But he doesnt know that I know. She lives 5 states away and it’s mostly through emails, texting and calling. She’s married as well and 18 years younger than him. It’s been 5 months and we have been fighting so much. Whenever I see something on his phone I get all nasty with him and then we argue so bad. He begs for me to tell him what’s wrong but I had already (twice) accused him of cheating on me with her and he denied it and yelled at me that I have major issues. He said if I ever do it again he’s leaving. I’m in no position to go anywhere. My life is a mess and I’m so depressed keeping it all inside. Our life was perfect, or so I thought. We never fought and we were so loving to each other. Not sure what to do.
M,
Thank you for being here. And for taking the time to comment. It’s taken me a long time to come to understand the troubling part of human nature that is denial. You have a right to speak your mind. It’s scary to do so, but it’s essential for your well-being and sense of self-worth. The outcome (your husband fulfilling his promise to leave) is intimidating. But the alternative is destructive. Nothing will be resolved by burying your feelings, your need to know. It will only fester.
And become bigger and louder until you make a decision. And when you decide to speak your mind, tell him that unless he is able to prove otherwise you believe that he is engaging in an affair and he is free to leave, as he said he would, you will be filled with an indescribable feeling of courage.
Your soul is craving for you to take a stand. You will be supported. By us, by the Universe, and by your family and friends. Stay close, M, and be brave. This is YOUR life – not to be architected by another or lived for another or dismantled by deceit.
Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
A colleague at work shared your website with me and I am glad I have started to read your journey. I hope to find help in getting over the pain of the affair or maybe one never does get over it?
It’s been four yes four years ago that I found out my common-law husband of 10 years was having an affair. Here I was at 39 planning and having a child for “the man of my dreams”. I already had two older children from a previous marriage but I wanted this “wonderful man” to experience having a child of his own.
My ex is on girlfriend #15 since I asked him to leave four years ago. Yes, I am grateful to find out when I did so that I could start my life over again. He really must have been quite the looser. My love for him must have been so blind. He was very flirtatious when we were together – another sign! Our son is now 11. I had to sell our house, downsize, change son’s school etc. My son calls his Dad a jumper – jumping from one girlfriend to another. Not pleased about this but I was told to mind my own business when I commented to my ex he should not introduce our son to his many every changing girlfriends.
I am in a new relationship – two years next month. I don’t feel I can give it 100% because of the pain from my previous relationship.
The stress of everything I believe has caused my multiple sclerosis to progress. I am strong, very thankful, three beautiful children and one handsome grandson but I just can’t get past what I have gone through. The new girlfriend has money, a nice house, great job etc. Any tips/suggestions/comments would be appreciated
S,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. You have a unique opportunity to seize. Clearly, you have been tested in life and have developed strengths to withstand the ‘weather’ life forecasts for us. How about gather up all that strength and thank it and then ask it to take a holiday. Allow yourself the time to be vulnerable. Open to wherever the winds blow you. See how far you can ride the currents. Look for updrafts.
There is no good reason to not give yourself 100% first (love yourself), and then 100% to the rest of the important aspects of your life. Why hold back? What benefit does it create? We are no less hurt, no more satisfied, no better protected when we hold back. But we are more likely to experience less magic.
So, why hold back?
Love yourself,
Cleo