I create my reality, you create your reality. And, yes, I created my divorce.
I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in.
That does not mean that I created The Genius’ affair or am in any way responsible for his adultery, or his complete lack of morals. It’s not like I said, “Oh, 2nd baby, complete family, house, dog, garden…hmmm…something’s missing. I’ve got it! A mistress!”
But I am responsible for becoming his wife. He was going to cheat no matter who he married. There was a pattern. A pattern I chose to ignore. I sought out The Genius. And with that choice came the consequences.
Two weeks prior to meeting The Genius I was at a work
pep rally meeting where our faithful leader asked us to write down two things of which we were absolutely certain. That’s it. That’s all the guidance he gave. I wrote down, “I will not marry or procreate.” Two weeks later I met The Genius. Ten weeks later we were engaged. So much for certainty, eh? Whether it was then with The Genius or later on with The Whomever, I would have created the very same scenario, of that I am certain.
Why would I create my own divorce, you wonder? Because I have something to learn. Life is school. And my “major” is the journey my soul created to have experiences that lead to lessons that lead to growth. Graduation is death. Every minute that I am on this planet is a key step in that journey. Mr. Jackpot once said, “Every decision that I have ever made has led me to this exact place in time, to right here.” By design, I add.
My ‘course load’ is spread out along my lifeline. Just like grades in school, each course in my journey prepares me for the next big spike of growth. My ‘school’ years are comprised of the exact ‘classes’ my soul needs to ‘graduate’ to the next level. My soul doesn’t perceive events in my life as good or bad, but opportunities to learn. Only the Ego decides that something is good or bad.
The Genius’ journey is separate from mine. His need to live a morally-inept existence (That’s my Ego talking!) is his gig. Why did I gravitate toward that mess? Because I needed someone who was going to cheat on me. In the broader picture, I needed someone who was going to bring me to a point in my journey where I would learn a really big, fat lesson.
But I still have to make sure that lesson is learned. Many go on to make the same mistakes over and over again. At each turn they have the chance to look inward and see why they are creating a reality that doesn’t suit them. Looking inward is hard. You have to be willing to take responsibility for your way of being. Do you love yourself? Do you respect yourself? Are you doing things that undermine your purpose here? Do you know your purpose? Do you have boundaries? Do you speak up for yourself? Do you live a proactive life where you’re accountable to yourself? Do you do the right thing?
I still have to answer all those questions, although I have an inkling why I created my divorce. Just an inkling, though. I have a long way to go to truly understand what my take-away is here. So I rely on my Guidance Counselors – the Universe-at-Large, God, Guides, Intuition, Breath, my body, my soul – to keep redirecting me back to the only place where I am going to find the answers I need to graduate: inside me.
I want to take full advantage of this opportunity. I’m not looking for pass/fail. I’m looking for Valedictorian. And I want a sash to go along with my tassel. So I’m going to get to work this week practicing the skills I believe I am being asked to master.
You’ll be the first to get my progress report.
Great interview on CosmoRadio! Love your blog.
Thanks, Txcristen! So glad you could listen. So much more to say. Another post tonight…and you’re the first to know that I’m bringing you to the present this evening. Thank you for reading and commenting. Please stay with me on this journey. I think it’s gonna rock. And it’ll be rocky.
Barbara Owens-DeWitt says
I hesitate to use any adjective synonymous with happy to explain how I felt reading your blog but I did feel elated as I read your progression. There isn’t a person I know that I have not told to read hisgiantmistake.com. I wish all the success your sadness is going to bring your way. Kharma bites your ass and for the Genius, Kharma’s name is Cleo. Good luck.
Hilarious. Even with my raging head cold I got your joke. Let’s use elated. I like that. I cringe when I say ‘dance’! And, of course, I’ll never be able to use the word ‘genius’ in normal context again. For that I am eternally elated.
Karma’s name is Cleo. Oh, I want to hug you. But you don’t want this cold. Thank you. Please come back. And please…
I love this:
“Life is school. And my “major” is the journey my soul created to have experiences that lead to lessons that lead to growth. Graduation is death”
Live, laugh, love
It’s a philosophy that has served me well. I’m glad it resonated with you. For you I’m going to live lusciously, laugh heartily and love forever myself. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Your post is so profound I’m going to have to print it off and spend some time thinking about it. What you’re saying here is a much more articulate version of what I have been thinking for some time now. That I NEEDED to learn these lessons to graduate my soul to a higher level. I believe that I’m on that path of learning now and see a bright future where I get to ply the fruits of a hard won education.
Thank you for your kind words. I’m grateful that this post has caused you to pause and ponder.
“I NEEDED to learn these lessons to graduate my soul to a higher level.” That’s how I feel, strongly. We are a changed group of beings. Changed for the better. Stay close, B. We want to hear about your bright future and your bright today!
Amy C says
I feel like a bit of a voyeur reading about your experience. Mine is similar but different. My husband and I each have children from a previous marriage. His daughters both have some serious mental and emotional issues and refused to acknowledge my existence. However, my son adored him. Fifteen months ago (whose counting?) while I was out of town on business, my husband walked out on me without any discussion. He’s not with anyone else. He chose to be alone rather than with me (I’m not sure what is worse although I am thankful that I don’t have to be tortured with images of him with another woman). I have been a wreck ever since and am struggling to “move on”. I realized that I have accepted all of the blame and I think it is because if I am to blame then that means that I have control of the situation and can fix it. Well, none of my attempts have fixed it and I am finally realizing that it isn’t all my fault. My husband is a selfish coward and I was wrong about his moral character. There has been zero movement toward divorce…we still have a joint checking account and I continue to manage all of our bills while living apart. Your strength is admirable and giving me a whole new perspective. Thank you. I too live in Marin County…does Mr. Jackpot have a friend???
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your kind words. My apologies for the delay in replying to you.
You and I are on a long journey. (You are an welcome and invited voyeur.) I hope you keep reading as I sense that you will identify with the choices I’ve made and appreciate the lessons I’ve learned. This journey is not about our spouses and their choices but about ours. It’s not about being a warrior or accepting or refuting blame but about being vulnerable and willing to understand why we create the reality we live out.
Marin is a magical place to get mentally, emotionally and psychically naked. Which is what it take to move through, and on.
I’m sure Mr. Jackpot has friends, but I’ve learned that the most brilliant way to extract all the magic that betrayal and/or divorce can offer is to go it alone until you need no one but yourself. Trust me. Doesn’t mean you have to live the life of a recluse. Quite the opposite, m’lady. Being unavailable but highly social is like eating calorie-free cake.
Stay close, A. Perhaps our paths will cross on Tam one day.