We found Dr. K, Couples Counselor, therapist and person who has to listen to WAY too much about infidelity, online. Shocker.
She was a perfect fit, although I wished she talked faster. I’m an East Coast girl who moved to Marin County, California 11 months ago. It took me four weeks to actually enjoy stopping at a stop sign. 99% of the people here are the very definition of chill. The other 1% proactively working to get there or pretending they’ve arrived. Dr. K was there. Chill. Focused. Always a tad late, but we got right down to it.
The first session was a double. I was glad. I desperately needed guidance. Not the kind of guidance you get from a friend or loved one, but professional, intense guidance. (Important to note here that the guidance one gets from friends and family in times like these is key, but professional guidance is crucial. And your friends and family will give you something professionals won’t – love.)
As much as part of me was working to keep an upbeat atmosphere at home and focus on determining if we had a shot to repair our marriage, another part knew that we had a road ahead that very few people have successfully traveled together, even with a therapist. I was hoping Dr. K would be able to get us to the end as a family. Intact. With new tools and a load of compassion.
In the session, he wanted to focus on the problems in our marriage, I wanted to focus on the affair and the problems in our marriage, and Dr. K wanted to focus on the affair. (See Entry 9. That’s why she is a Doctor and I am not.) She stressed that he had to leave the relationship in the past if we were to be able to move forward. I could see the struggle in his body language. His gaze was direct and without emotion. Vacant, yet totally focused on Dr. K’s eyes. She asked for his agreement.
He said he understood. Which is basically a non-answer.
I have a friend who is a therapist and knows…wait, shouldn’t we give him a name now? How about Genius. I like that. So, my friend knows Genius really well. And he knows me really well. We are truly tight. He described Genius as being a “highly-managed guy”. Very in control of what he shares, and very closed-off with and to his emotions. So picture this: Man sitting on a couch, arms crossed, therapist tells him the obvious – If you want to rebuild your relationship with your wife you’re going to have to leave the Happy Dance Chick along the side of the road where she will no doubt be picked up by another man thinking an affair is the road to happiness– and he nods his head down once like a Lipizzaner stallion. He understood the request and that’s as far as he was willing to go.
In Session 2 he spills the beans that he loves her.
Have you seen the trailer for The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo where Rooney Mara (as Lisbeth Salander) appears as if she has been shot in the stomach? It’s a one-second shot, but it speaks for days. She wasn’t actually shot, and neither was I. But my reaction was physical. My abs caved. The energy surrounding his words charged for my stomach and kicked it in. A punch to the gut, as they say. He loves her. I am in outer-freaking-space. I am waiting for Woody Allen to pop out of some closet and tell me I’m his newest muse. First I answer a pocket call and hear a highly suspicious conversation, then I spend two months apart from Genius wondering what to believe as he DENIES, DENIES, DENIES, and then I find an email where she threatens a Happy Dance and he suggests how he wants her, and now I’m in a therapist’s office listening to my husband say that he loves the woman with whom he has been having a year-long affair.
If I do not get my SAG card out of this I am going to be really pissed.
But my best performance was yet to come. It would surely seal the deal.
Wow. Until this entry I had assumed the happy dancer was no longer in the picture. I am so sorry you had to deal with this latest “love” twist! What a stupid, stupid, stupid jerk!!!
Deb,
Oh, she’s in the picture alright. It’s Happy Dance Chick love-in. May they live happily ever after. And may I never have to spend a second in her presence. I’ve got self-control, but last night I had a dream that he introduced me to her and all I could do was flip her the double bird and walk away. It was hilarious.
Love yourself,
Cleo
12 years later and I still get that tingle-down-the-spine, weak-knee feeling back after reading your words.
In some respects I feel lucky that things weren’t drawn out to a second session…we had scheduled one before leaving the office. She danced verbally during the session and like you I was treated to statements of passive agreement about what we needed to discuss, do differently, and work that needed to be done. On the ride home, however she indicated she wasn’t going to do ANY of the things the therapist suggested (like stop seeing him).
When I asked why we were going to therapy, she told me “So you know what to do differently next time.” Do differently? I suppose I will try not to marry someone who finds my discovery of her infidelity inconvenient, my requirement that she break it off while we try to salvage the marriage unacceptable, and tells me “sometimes I wish you hadn’t come back” from my military deployment.
I was so stricken I became passive and withdrawn. Lost 20 pounds in the 3 weeks before she left to move in with him.
It was quick, and after several probes she respected my wish to have no contact at all. This is all I remain grateful to her for today.
For my friends and family, I remain eternally grateful. I was surprised at the number of those I thought that would end up “her friends” that I received emotional support from.
They are there for you too.
E,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your feelings here. Sounds cliche, but it’s so good to know that I am not alone. And for anyone who feels alone and finds HGM, they are not alone anymore. I am amazed by the willingness of those who comment to reach out, express their feelings, offer their support. Not just to me, but to each other. It’s mind-blowing. Literally. Some nights I sit out under the stars and just let the tears fall. Tears of gratitude. Not sadness. Massive amounts of gratitude for what we are creating here.
Thanks for coming on this journey with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Yup, I knw hw this feels too-the only difference is that my “genius” told me that he stopped loving me a longggg time ago & he didnhave the heart to tell me…. Boom my heeart broken into tiny pieces…& den a few days later he was like lied, I do luv you, I dnt knw why I said that to u-err, I didn’t think that this affair would be more than just a fling but I fell for her & love her….an as an afterthought-i love u too though..,
Cleo u are starting to be my role model!
Z,
I’m feeling you shift as you read these posts. So exciting! I know this is a heartbreaking time, but it can also be a most magical time. You see that. You FEEL it! Right now focus on you. It will be hard to not focus on his words, his lies and the things you need to say to him, so set aside time for that, too. But put a beginning and an end on it. 15 minutes for him, and the rest of the day for you.
This time is about you. Love you. Focus on you. Why did you create this situation for yourself? (Not the affair, but the situation.) We create our reality. The choice now is how you deal with it. Thank you for being here, Z. And for your kind words.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I found out ten weeks ago that my husband has been having an affair for three years. She is 21 years younger. I suspected for a long time and continued to ask but got the denial I see from other posts is so common. He, in fact, used the age difference as his main reason saying that she is much closer to our daughter’s age ( they are just right years apart) and it would feel weird/creepy to be with someone that young. I found out thru his Facebook where they were reaffirming their love for each other then took my proof to him. But I don’t think he loved her. I think it was infatuation. You can’t have love when you are living in such a bubble. But i am afraid to bring this up with him. To be acused of denying his feelings. It feels, today, that it really matters to me – That he really didn’t love her. But maybe it’s not important. He ended it the next day, no contact since then and we are working on reconciling (with good individual and couple counsellors). Any advice appreciated.
H,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I’m grateful you found HGM. First, continue reading. The guidance and support from the kittens helped me so. While I did not reconcile, others have. There’s much to learn from in the comments here.
I don’t need to know any more about your situation to feel confident guiding you in this way:
Focus on you, not him. Don’t try to understand him, unravel his motives or figure out if he did love her or it was just infatuation. This moment in time is about rediscovering you. Creating boundaries that support you. Falling back in love with your self. Feeling whole, alone, so that you don’t lose yourself in another – whether it be your husband or a friend of anyone. Determining your needs. Nurturing your self-esteem.
Then, with your needs and boundaries understood, you can turn to him and see how the two of you fit together. Did he love her? Who cares. He lied to you. That is where your attention needs to be. Boundaries and needs, H. Take care of you. And stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo