I started two posts this week. Both sit unfinished. That’s what happens when you lay on a table and Melissa works her magic.
I had been thinking about her often last week. So, it came as no surprise that she showed up in Sonoma, coming out from the east to find a home. She, like many of us, has been drawn to Northern California to start a new chapter in her fascinating story. We shared a wonderful dinner (christening my wooden tortilla press – I will never buy tortillas again) on Saturday, after a walk on the beach in Bolinas. And then, two days later, I was in the prone position while she massaged my chakras and looked deep in my soul.
You’re holding onto anger in your left hip and shoulder.
But I’m not angry.
Well, you should be.
And you are.
Great, just like The Genius – another person telling me I’m angry. But in this case, there’s no hidden agenda or projection.
This anger isn’t about him, it’s about you. Anger is not bad. Not acknowledging it is. Not letting it speak is. Pushing it down and burying it is. Don’t judge yourself or the emotion. It’s there for a reason. If you knew what that reason was, what would it be?
I love it when she asks questions like that. You HAVE to answer them. You can’t say, I don’t know because she will come back with, Well, if you did know?
Clever girl.
I could be angry about being betrayed, but it doesn’t feel like anger anymore. It feels like a wound. A scarring wound that will, over time, become less visible but never go away. I could be angry about having four years of my life taken from me, changing forever how I view the little dude’s infancy and early childhood. But I’m so grateful for the way this experience has changed me and made me a better Mom. And I’m free of a man who would choose deceit over honesty, betraying the woman who stood by him for over 15 years.
Sure, it’s brutal. Hard. My life was spun like a top and no one told me to hold on. Eventually I got a handle, gained a clue or two and kept moving forward, because a dark corner and a vat of chocolate peanut butter ice cream was only going to leave me fat and crying. It wasn’t the end of my world, just a major shift. Nothing is ever as good or as bad as it seems. Buck up! Smile! Look for the magic!
But just don’t forget about that anger lingering in your hip and shoulder.
Before I could drive back to Marin from Sonoma I had to walk on the earth. I was, in Melissa’s words, All liquidy – you need to get on the planet and ground. I felt looped. Two margaritas on an empty stomach looped – with Grand Marnier floaters. I went in to the session wanting to talk about fear – fear of success, fear of love, fear of not providing a happy childhood for the dudes. I wanted to understand why we’ve replaced the fear of a saber-toothed tiger with fears that are infinitely more complex. Fears that linger for days, weeks, years, whereas a saber-toothed tiger arrives, kills and moves on.
We ended up talking about anger. And how we label emotions as good or bad, when they are really interchangeable. She urged me to remove the label and let emotions just be colors (not her words, but it’s how I felt the message). And that words can complicate matters. (My beloved words!) Letting anger out in sounds removes the mind from the process, allowing the emotions to flow free.
(As an aside, the first time I went to a group session – a conscious breathing session, which is AMAZING – I had one eye closed and the other staring around at people grunting and huffing and puffing. I couldn’t wait for it to end. Type A sales person, gots to go, stuff to do…what’s a chakra? Whether you believe there are energy centers in your body that you can open and close or not, I can guarantee you that after an hour of conscious breathing you will be open to finding out.)
As I walked on the streets of Sonoma I thought about the tall dude getting angry at the little dude for asking him inane questions. (Yes, at seven he used the word inane.) His face was red, his cheeks pulled back to make room for his scowl. I intervened.
Why are you so angry? Just ignore it. It’s not that big of a deal.
Ouch. It is to him.
I discounted his emotion. I made it seem like it was bad. That it wasn’t warranted. I made him push it down, hide it because it wasn’t acceptable. In that moment I taught him that his anger, the way he was feeling, was wrong.
Am I doing the same thing to myself?
Since Monday I’ve been pondering anger – my anger, the anger that seems to flow around this world like a jet stream, causing people to implode, bombs to explode and dis-ease to flourish. On the drive over the rolling, emerald hills of Marin I excavated. While folding laundry and killing mice (sorry, those have to go – it pains me to do it, but there doesn’t seem to be an alternative.), combing spiders out of my hair – I am not kidding you, and hiking the trails along the cliffs that boarder the sea, I asked and quizzed and devil’s advocated myself into a tizz. If it’s there I sure don’t want to ignore it.
Am I angry?
Yes. I thought about attaching it to a scale of 1-10, but anger is anger. It’s neither good nor bad, nor quantifiable. Anger at a person or a situation is an invitation to get to know myself better. It might be a tight little ball hunkering down in my hip joint, or a full blown rage that erupts without warning. Quiet, simmering anger and outrage both come from the same little seed hiding in fertile soil somewhere inside. Instead of starving it, I’ve decided to water that sapling and let it bear fruit.
The first two fell today.
The dudes want to know when The Genius and I are getting back together, and the car dealer wants a divorce decree and six months of cancelled alimony checks before he’ll finance a car purchase.
And that is exactly why I’m angry.
So I’ve decided to do something about it and it involves a pre-nup.
Love yourself,
Cleo
PS: This post was written doubled over. I’m blaming an overindulgence in kale. Normally I’d keep going, but Part Two will need to wait. I’m hopeful that in the words we will find ways to embrace anger. I’m certain that many kittens know exactly how to tame this wild beast without robbing it of its spirit or life.
Lastly, please take a moment to subscribe to HGM. The RSS feed is finally working. Given my co-parenting schedule the publishing times are a little fluid until things are nailed down. Subscribing means that you’ll get an email when a new post is up. I promise that I won’t spam you, ask for cash because I’m stranded in a foreign country or send you pictures of dead tarantulas. You can subscribe up there, in the right corner. So easy even I can do it.
Cleo,
So the prenup is the next step in which you are engaged?
If so, I wish everyone involved the best with that, in the hope that anger doesn’t turn into nasty. If it gets nasty, make sure to cut your losses and move on. A fight to the death or otherwise is just that. I have seen too many of those that have ended up in total wreckage. Don’t go there, it is disastrous 9 times out of ten.
You will never get those 15 years back the way you wanted them to be. They are what they are. The future is yours to make of it what you will.
I would suggest that you are overdue for both a swim and an airplane ride. Plus some financial positives, such as the alimony docs the car dealer requested. I hope that is going along splendidly as well…if not I would suggest hiring professional help to quickly make sure that all of the divorce docs are dotting their anger buttons and crossing their Ps & Qs.
M.
M,
You crazy, high-flying cat. My take on a prenup is different than what you might think. But you’ll have to come back to find out. And you are spot on – I need to fly again NOW! I started swimming regularly again this week. The difference in my spirit and ability to remain centered in light of lots of reasons to not is huge. Back to manifesting in warp speed.
The flying? I will have to wait on that a bit. Maybe a drive east in my diesel to check out some ghost towns is in order. There’s got to be planes out there somewhere! PS: I’ve got an invitation to Burning Man, but I’m afraid of burning.
The perils of being a ginger…
So grateful every time I see your name.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Finally. I have been waiting and hoping for some anger. You’ve painted this picture of inner peace and self awareness that I totally buy, but you rarely touch on pissed off.
I tried not to be angry about my betrayal. I swore that anger and hate took too much of my energy and he didn’t deserve my energy. I wanted to focus on moving forward with my kids, finding joy, magic, goodness in the bad. But you know what? I am mad as hell. And disgusted, outraged, enraged, perturbed, irate, blue in the face, and cheesed off. I am ok with those feelings and you should be too.
D,
C’mere. I’m hugging the stuffing out of you. I felt the same way. That it was not productive to be angry. I was grateful to be free of someone who would deceive on such a grand scale. (For the record, I still am.) But when Melissa said it was there, hiding in my joints, I dove down to find it.
At a macro level, my anger is less about The Genius and his adultery and more about not allowing myself to have boundaries and have my boundaries respected. Not respecting myself enough. Not acknowledging that I deserve to have feelings, be respected as a person, and be confident enough to walk away when not respected. Again, not sure if I’m hitting the nail on the head yet. But that’s where I am so far.
I’m high-fiving your madness. Your bravery. Your cheesed-offedness. (Wow – I love ‘cheesed off’) And I am so grateful you are here to watch me stumble along this journey. Your support is much appreciated.
Love yourself,
Cleo
This is a big one in my house…I have two boys as well- 10 and 8..and the oldest at times can let loose with the anger- like watching a moltov cocktail get ready to blow at times- combination of his age and our divorce. Last week he kicked in the front closet door and then put his foot through the drywall in his room when he was in there being punished (he was quite surprised both times at his strength- they are quickly becoming strong boymen and need to be taught their power)
The conversation I have with them is that its ok to be angry.. anytime ..anywhere… BUT it’s how you deal with the anger that counts…It’s not acceptable to say hateful things , put your hands on other people or break my stuff. (they are welcome to break their own things however.. particularly those stupid nerf guns that leave bullets EVERYWHERE Haha) . I try to give them alternatives to getting the feelings out… my youngest will try the deep breaths and stand in one spot and scream his head off until he falls exhausted into my arms for a good hug and then moves on.. the big one is a little more challenging… I can be a hot head when I really lose it as well (I am a reformed thrower- whatever was within arms reach was fair game) so he comes by it naturally. Im Trying to channel the energy and anger into excercise… seems to be a better fit for all that testosterone than some deep breathing and chanting..:)
A,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for sharing your experience. I’m excited to encourage the dudes to express their emotions in creative ways, and your comment was a big catalyst for that realization. We teach our children relentlessly since the time they are born to read, write, speak, make good decisions, etc., but we don’t teach them how to emote. In fact, especially early on in life, we train ourselves to stop the crying, stop the tantrum, stop the anger.
Excercise and time on the planet work wonders. I am half a person when I slack off. Exercise unclogs all the pent up muck, and the endrophins rock, too!
Thank you – you’ve given me some much needed direction. I’m already seeing a difference in the natural joy in the dudes since we’ve been more open about expressing our emotions. You’ve helped me to give them space. I’m very grateful.
Love yourself,
Cleo
love love love this and make it into a book SOON.
MEANTIME READ YOUR VOICE IN MY HEAD BY EMMA FORREST.
J,
I was JUST thinking about you. Yesterday. You are so kind. Emma’s book is on my list! You, me – a beach…I will appreciate every delicious moment of an adult vacation, when it happens. Which may not be for a few years, but when it happens, I’ll be the one in permanent gratitude mode. With several books in hand. And a margarita. Thank you for taking the time to comment, your kind words and for being you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m in my angry phase. Two months in to finding out about my husband’s affair (http://dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/). It’s amazing how the anger will just sweep over me when I’m at work and it’s all consuming. Looking forward to Part II of your post. I subscribed to the feed.
K,
My Mom drilled into my head from an early age that anger leads to dis-ease. Now, I have taken that and turned it into Anger is bad! That wasn’t her intent. Anger shines a light on a part of us that needs attention. It’s like the horn blast of a ship at sea, pitching over waves in the dark. Find me, see me, look at me. Then free me. Let the anger sweep and then venture off to others who need the light.
Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Again I’m amazed at how timely your posts seem to be in my life (and I’m sure many others) even though the blog is so not about me and that thought pattern is very egocentric. Never the less I will continue to take these nuggets as the food for thought they are.
I’m about to pop, as in I have days left in my pregnancy and cannot wait to meet the little face about to join us earth-side, so emotions, and in some cases volcanic emotions, have been on my mind a lot lately. Yes, I know some of what I’ve been experiencing is hormonal and that the changes a pregnancy can bring to the body and mind cannot be ignored. But after the last three months I’ve come to realize that the emotions underneath were always there and it was just my degree of reaction that changed. What made me angry, sad, frustrated, hurt, happy, joyful, content, all of those emotions would have been felt regardless of my circumstances. I just started to let it show. Or rather my body just pushed it out of me.
This got me on a few weeks long contemplation about emotions and showing them. I think it’s important to recognize our emotions, not to belittle them, but I think we also have a responsibility to ourselves and others to try and express them in productive and healthy ways (if/when at all possible). It’s this last part that I’m still working on and will probably always be a struggle.
The comment you made about dismissing your sons anger is also something I’ve really been thinking about. I feel as a society we try to downplay or dismiss all “negative” emotions and that the expression of some emotions are also steeped in gender beliefs and stereotypes. I often feel like if I’m angry or try to express my anger, how ever justified, I’m a b*tch. I’m not sure how to combat that, but now that I’m finally recognizing how much that sentiment is bull-poop I think I can work towards ignoring it and just accepting my feelings. I’m not sure if I’m completely off base and reading too much between the lines but it seemed to me like your reticence to admit to your anger (especially in reaction to the Genius) could be because you have felt a similar ingrained sense that it isn’t okay for you, a lady, to be angry. Or I’m just projecting. Can’t wait to read part 2. Also, balancing out the type of fiber Kale brings with bulking fiber foods might help you feel better.
M,
Has my reply arrived ahead of your delivery? Congratulations, M! You are bringing a child in to your world at a time when you are also pondering and excavating. This being is here to help you. What a great opportunity to have a partner in your journey. Do share the good news when you have the time. My love and wishes for a blessed birth and a magical lifetime for this new little kitten.
“I think it’s important to recognize our emotions, not to belittle them, but I think we also have a responsibility to ourselves and others to try and express them in productive and healthy ways (if/when at all possible).” So true. Had I been better at expressing my emotions and needs, and establishing boundaries through productive communications, I may still be married. That’s a whole lot to lose because I wasn’t able to communicate effectively.
Now it’s exciting and liberating to observe myself expressing my boundaries and needs. My facial expression is that of a parent watching their child hit a home run for the first time. It’s not always natural or easy, but when I pay attention to my Observer Self I am able to make the right choices. While I’m still de-programming myself in terms of how I treated me in my marriage, small steps have been made to stand firm on boundaries with TG. Which has created huge tension. Best thing about tension is that eventually the ties that bind break and we are once again walking on our own paths.
You will have two little feet next to yours. So full of magic. Thank you for being here and being a ponderer.
Love yourself,
Cleo
S,
Oh, goodness, no! I’m not angry at the dudes for anything. They are brave, awesome children who are just being children. Loving, pushing buttons, making fart noises all day long – the usual.
It IS something else. I am not fully there yet – took a walk today around The Calmmune to get to the bottom of it – but I’m getting close.
This moved me: That you are deeply angry has been evident for quite some time.
S, your timing is perfect. I am so grateful you spoke your heart. I read your comment and headed out to the stars. At first I wanted to fight it. And then, I wanted to make you dinner, bake you a pie and give you a foot rub. All out of gratitude.
Deeply angry because I buried it.
I buried it because I didn’t think it was okay to be angry. I let anger go, a little at a time over the last several months. But I didn’t free it all. Here’s what I have so far: I am angry that I didn’t respect myself enough to have boundaries in my marriage. I took so many steps back when I had been going full steam ahead. I failed myself. But I love the dudes and their beautiful souls so much that I must make peace with my choices. As I tell them daily these days, I am free to make choices and then I must deal with the consequences.
And I am angry that The Genius unilaterally decided to throw 4 years of my life away when, if he was so miserable, he could have simply said, I want a divorce.
So that’s where I am, but I’m certain more is to be excavated. I appreciate your honesty so much. I will get to destroy something – the wall of my bathroom when we tear it down to reveal the new bathroom my Fairy Godfather is building on the cottage. But what is truly helping now is just to say to myself, It’s okay to be angry. It’s all in how you deal with it. Not with spite, or revenge, or ineffective arguments. But by acknowledging it, and seeing it as a sign that work needs to be done. Not on someone else, but on me.
(Melissa recommended I read The Dance of Anger – it’s going to be ordered as soon as I receive my free Kindle for selling my soul to AT&T for my internet and landline.)
We have a right to be angry. It’s natural to be angry. We don’t have a right to abuse others with our anger. Anger is a personal emotion that is a signal that love and attention is needed on the inside. So that is where I’m headed.
I truly appreciate the time you took to comment and your honesty. Thank you. Office Space – so right.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, I don’t really have anything insightful to say. Just that I am so happy to have stumbled onto your blog and been allowed to glimpse into your life. While I am not dealing with divorce in my own life, a lot of what you write about resonates with me. About loving (or not loving) myself, about putting me first and learning that it’s ok to feel like I deserve something in life. I have struggled all my life with self esteem. And always felt “not quite good enough”. So I let people walk on me, and I have trouble trusting. I silently beg for people to like me, to validate me, to give me the attention that I don’t give myself. And when that goes badly, as it often does, I say to myself “I should have seen that coming, of course, because I didn’t deserve it in the first place…”
I am about to embark on a different adventure. My husband, a soldier, is being sent away for a year. Though we’ve done this separation thing before, this particular time will be a big challenge. It will create hurdles in our marriage, a marriage that has had plenty of ups and downs but is right now particularly delicate. And I’m scared. Scared of the unknown. Scared of being alone (well, with my kids, but “alone”.)
While he’s gone, I will look to you for the words of comfort and silent validation that you don’t even know your blog is giving me. Thank you for being there!
T
T,
I apologize for the delay in posting your comment. It’s been a hairy group of days as of late. Finding my center again, which allows me to write clearly and without using this forum as a place to vent, something I don’t want to do. I appreciate your patience. (I feel as though I replied to your comment, but it didn’t show up. If I did, consider this a two-fer. And let me know if I contradict myself!
)
I am so grateful that you found HGM. The words written by the kittens and me can be applied to any situation where loving oneself is key. Which is every situation, no? I, too, struggle(d) with self-esteem. From this perch, I clearly see the connection between loving oneself, boundaries, and the releasing of fears as a way to shed the ‘I don’t deserve…’ cloak and replace it with one of magic. We create our reality. If we don’t believe we deserve love and honesty and respect, then we create an environment that manifests that. You are lovable simply because you are alive. You must be special – you were born at the most perfect time to be alive on this planet. Millions of souls would sacrifice everything to be in your shoes. And now, with this separation, you have a unique opportunity to unravel some thought patterns that don’t serve you, create new ones, and create a habit of loving yourself. This time of fragility in your marriage may simply be the stage before transformation.
When a home is being reimagined, it’s often reduced to the studs. Now you can build it out new. Change up the rooms, the interior design, the structural supports. I’m excited for you! And we are here to provide what ever support we can. I appreciate deeply the sacrifices you and your husband make for our country. Stay close, T. That way I can keep telling you how super important you are!
Love yourself,
Cleo