I’ve Got To Love Perfect Timing, Not Fear It.

 

Grateful for 150% more battery life and for the desire to live life with 150% more fearlessness.

I don’t know how to juggle.  It’s the hand eye coordination that trips me up.  Same with hitting a baseball.  Never, ever done it.  Tried.  Failed.

I’ve come to accept that I’m not one of those people that can do a variety of things well, all at the same time.  I need to concentrate.  So my plan to prep in the final two weeks for the winter ascension of Mt. Rainier had a single focus – remain grounded.  Above all else, keep my head and feet on the planet.  Visualize the climb, the ease of the ascent; minimize fear and intimidation, replacing it with fun and playfulness.  In short, zoom in on the task at hand.  I need to safely climb her and learn whether or not I have what it takes to climb Mt. Everest.  

Simple.

Until HE went from guy at the gym to the guy at the gym who is making a movie about Mt. Everest to the guy at the gym who got my number…to the man I spent all of my child-free days and nights with the last nearly two weeks.  And so he needs a name.  But I can’t find one.

Being blind-sided can either be good or bad, if we must attach a label.  In this case, it’s been an unexpected turn of events in the most exquisite way.

At the most interesting time.

You know by now that I don’t believe in coincidences, but I am a HUGE believer in perfect timing.  

Because of my sense of humor, commitment to gratitude and way with pleading eyes, the Universe seems motivated to pile it on lately.  We’re in sync.  We converse ALL the time.  This is what we’ve been talking about lately…

ME: C’mon.  I know I said I want to fall in love, but I didn’t mean right this very minute.

U:  Oh.  What?  The timing isn’t JUST right for you?  I didn’t NAIL it?  Every little circle wasn’t perfectly blackened?

ME:  No!  No.  That’s not it.  I’m super grateful.  But, I feel like the air is real thin here.  Like I can’t catch my breath.  I’m afraid of having no doubts.  I’m afraid of making up doubts.  I’m afraid of ticking you off by not graciously and fearlessly accepting exactly what I asked you for.  It’s just…you work SO fast.    

U:  I’m happy to see that self-sabotage isn’t on your menu.  That’s a real buzz kill for me.

ME:  I didn’t know I was afraid.  I thought fear went stamping off through a field of wild flowers, hand in hand with my Ego.

U:  Fear this: Not living this life.  That’s hell on Earth.  

ME:  Fearlessly.  I need to live fearlessly.  K.  You know how much you rock, right?  

U:  Hear it all the time.  Make me proud.

The timing of this moonstruck encounter adds a layer of complexity to the climb of Mt. Rainer that warrants pondering.  I’ve not been obsessing over the mountain.  Although I did wince when my climbing partners sent pictures of themselves to me.  One was face climbing a volcano and the other was hanging off a vertical, ice-covered wall.  My reply?

I live at the beach.

They might have shuddered.

I consider myself fortunate to be climbing with people who know the difference between cramps and crampons.  The feeling is not likely to be mutual.  I’ll win them over with my sense of humor and endurance.  And fake the rest until I figure it out.

Instead of obsessing over the mountain I’ve been having fun.  Experiencing emotional surges that steal my breath.  My heart has literally raced.  During long, deep conversations.  In the midst of belly laughs.  While we make it inside the doors to his Mt. Tam hideaway, only to sit on the entry stairs and continue to explore ourselves with words.  My center, the physical core of my body and my spiritual heart, is full.  It’s a sensation that I have not felt, perhaps ever, but certainly in a very, very long time.

Instead of building walls we’ve canceled the permits, furloughed the workers, shut down the equipment.  Given our individual circumstances, we should each get a medal for not getting in our own way.  Since the beginning, a whole 14 days ago, he’s mentioned the perfect timing of the climb.  How it will give us both a chance to pause.  An opportunity not often granted in the midst of irresistible attraction.  And I don’t mean simply physical attraction.  That’s an easy one to handle.  Crucial, but not as mouth-watering as emotional and intellectual attraction.  Not as spellbinding as a shared sense of humor.

This epic pause, the thrilling journey that awaits me, IS perfect timing.  At this time, with my senses roaring to life, I can perfect the skill of remaining on my own path while fully embracing the opportunity to love another.  I took a detour for my marriage.  But now I have skills.  Awareness.  Maturity.  Peace of mind.  Happy heart.  I fully love myself.  

This could be big, kittens.  But it doesn’t have to go big overnight.  And it’s not the time to forget all that I have learned.

Mt. Rainier is playing the perfect role.  She will help me to focus.

Friday he will drive me to the airport.  In my bag is an envelope he asked me to read on the plane.  (Along with a battery booster so I can remain connected to you and him.)  I don’t know the contents, but I know how he feels.  

Before you leave, I want you to know.

He said I feel like home.

And that he loves me.

Just come back.  And we’ll take it from there.

Perfect timing.  

I have been schooled in perfect timing these last four weeks.  From the arms length dance with The Magician that taught me how timing is everything and that I was ready for the BIG dance, to the canceling of the karmic contract with my former spouse, to seeing…him…for the first time through eyes that reflected a heart ready to love.  

I think I’ve got it.  

Mr. Perfect Timing.

Love yourself,

Cleo