I have to sell my house. The house that The Genius and I bought when I was still under the impression that we were married. The house we bought to raise our children in for their school years. The house we might have grown old in if we didn’t decide to retire to the coast and live in a two bedroom cottage with a view of the sea. We poured everything into this house, deciding that a family community and excellent schools were the priority. And now we can’t afford to keep it because I never anticipated The Genius having to support two households on his income.
Did he anticipate it? Pft. Talk about living in denial. How anyone could enter into such a huge financial contract under lies, total lies, is beyond my comprehension. Out of all the muck he has dumped on my path, this move ranks as the most outrageous. The affair is appalling, despicable. But to go ahead with the purchase of a home hours after the Pocket Call was the epitome of a selfish, unconscious, and perilous move. To negotiate with a banker while having dinner with your mistress, phoning your wife to give her updates, and then a few hours later, post-Pocket Call, denying adultery and voicing love and dedication and loyalty to your wife…and letting her go and sign on the dotted line, committing hundreds of thousands of dollars under a plastic sheet of deceit…I don’t even know what to call it. Narcissism? Madness? Beyond scummy?
He’s not only destroyed our family, but now he has left me in a most tenuous situation at a time when all focus should be on creating a peaceful childhood for the children and creating space for me to rebuild my life. His life? It’s insta-perfect. He has a house, he sees the boys 50% of the time, he’s got his girlfriend. He’s all settled and life is grand.
Me? I have to sell a house on my own, find a home to live in close enough to the boys’ school so that I don’t have to pull them out midyear, create a revenue stream to provide for the needs of the boys and me for now and the future, come to a place of peace with the fact that I’m years away from being with a man that I can trust with my heart and with the boys, and somehow still take care of me. Create the time and space to write, de-stress so I don’t create dis-ease (that’s where hiking and swimming come in), and be a Mom. A real and present Mom who is capable of focusing on her children because she takes care of herself and the rest of her life is fairly settled. I’m not looking for perfectly settled, but decently settled.
I don’t have jack settled. And now I’m even more unsettled with the realization that I will have to sell the house. Move #3 in two years.
Man, sometimes I just want to punch a wall.
But I know that won’t feel good.
Before sitting down to write tonight, I went outside to look at the stars, and the clouds that now fill the skies over Marin. The chill in the air makes me long for cuddling and centered peace. I’m feeling more alone than ever. Not in a woe-is-me way, but it’s simply an apt descriptor of my life. I have family, yes. Friends, yes. (Not many here on the west coast, alas.) But I don’t have a partner to sit down with and create a master plan. Someone I can turn to for help or to join hands with as we take on herculean tasks. I have to sell this house on my own and figure everything else out on my own, too.
As these thoughts were knocking me in the head like Ali in his prime, I became insanely thirsty. My throat was dry, the inside of my mouth big and puffy, my lips stuck to my teeth. The need for water was so gripping I almost took a header as I tripped over the hose, inches away from smashing face-first into a cactus I’ve wanted to donate since the day I moved in here, as I made my way to the door. I grabbed my glass from next to my laptop and walked six agonizingly long steps to the cooler, and filled it with icy cold spring water. I was ultra-efficient with my moves. I couldn’t wait another second. As I raised it to my lips, I looked down to the bottom of the glass.
There was a floater weighty enough to have sunk.
Probably a tortilla chip from the tall dude. Before the Pocket Call I would have been squeamish and tossed the water. Now I’m just grateful I have water. My bottom lip hugged the rim of the glass and my top lip plunged beneath the surface of the water and I began to gulp.
I drained it.
Nothing compares to the quenching of extreme thirst. Being parched is not something easily put out of mind. The desire for water wipes away any and all other needs. I could think of nothing else as I barged into the house seeking the holy aqua grail. As each gulp saturated my mouth and throat I gave thanks, and marveled at how something perfectly clear, odorless and tasteless is not only the most basic and necessary of our sustenance needs, but it’s also the building blocks of our bodies. And our world. And it is ambrosial when needed most.
Now, I could have had a glass of water before getting to that bone-dry state. But then I wouldn’t have had the 20-second experience of quenching the ultimate thirst, which is right up there with…it blows any other feel good to the body experience out of, well, the water.
Nothing compares.
There is an extra surge of satisfaction that comes from getting something done, and done well, in the nick of time. The pleasure that comes after the pain is heightened by the zero hour achievement. Drinking a glass of water when it’s available to you is absolutely not the same as drinking one when you are spitting cotton balls. Making it to the gate before the plane door shuts is a thrill, even if the run there was brutal.
I thrive in that environment. I love the rush of meeting a need when it’s gone unmet for far too long. Knowing that something absolutely must get done helps me to focus, and when I focus I’m unstoppable. (My gratitude to my parents for teaching me to shoot for perfection, even under pressure. I mean that sincerely, not in a Thanks, now I need a therapist way.) But this is a brave new world. Or a new world and somebody, meaning me, better remain brave. Now is not the time to stumble. I have pitched more muck out of my way than a Mom wading through a teenage boy’s bedroom after six months of phobic avoidance of the door to hell.
I absolutely cannot let the need to sell this house (on my own sans realtor, I’d take a loss any other way) derail my progress. If I choose to let it stress me out, the boys will stress too. I cannot let that happen. If I’m stressed I will avoid writing because I can’t possibly be funny when I’m stressed. An all un-funny HGM is one step away from a Bravo reality show. I do not want to be bitching in neck-plunging taffeta with pancake makeup on while balancing a drink and an inane conversation.
I’d rather mate with an Orb spider.
Finding the joy can sometimes be exhausting. Thinking about the fall out from The Genius’ magnum opus, right down to the repacking of boxes and endless hunts on craigslist for a new home, doesn’t feel good at all. It’s utterly exhausting and life draining. I’ll take beat and shimmery over beat up and shriveled up.
I just have to accept that life is a little on the edge these days, and I’m going to have to get a lot more production out of the old ginger engine to make it all work without blowing a gasket. I kind of like that feeling or I wouldn’t dive off a boat into the San Francisco bay or fly a plane with 5 minutes notice. I like a touch of the unknown. A touch. Not the terror of where am I getting my next meal, but a little unsettled weather makes for a magical sky.
Yet, never have I handled this much at any given time. Before, when work was all-consuming I didn’t have children. When the children were all consuming I didn’t work outside the home. In one year’s time I’ve gone from being a stay-at-home mom in a happy marriage, still unpacking boxes after a cross-country, realize our dreams move to being on my own, healing from betrayal, moving yet again, not having the boys for 50% of their lives, and valiantly trying to fulfill my needs and realize my dreams, which in turn will allow me to take care of the future for the boys and me.
I consider the view from the edge to be pretty spectacular. And a little unnerving. Both good feelings. I like being there, but I probably wouldn’t like it much if I was hit with a plank swung by Pablo Sandoval and sent smarting, right off the edge. Now is the time to get more grounded. Surer footing. Stable. Simple. Slow. Deliberate. I am not in a position to go all last-minute on the major tasks I have in front of me. It simply won’t work. There’s going to have to be progress on all fronts at all times.
I can’t miss this plane.
This means the deadline for the book is going to be pushed back to make room for the new job I have – real estate agent. But it doesn’t mean the writing stops. This also means I’m going to have to post twice a week for awhile. Tuesdays and Thursdays seem best but I’m open to suggestions. I’ll update twitter daily, without driving you mad. Please follow me. I’d love to see a community that can interact real time with as much support, wisdom and decadent sarcasm as we have here at HGM.
And because I don’t have enough to do, I’m lobbying for a job. A paid job. Not one that’s going to reduce the need for support from The Genius (my ultimate goal is to sever that need as quickly as possible) but one that will fulfill me like only a bestseller can. And leave me equally as vulnerable.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, why put yourself through such undue stress over money. Yes, it sucks to lose money on the house but a realtor will get you a much better price and you will sell the house much quicker. Trust me, I had to move nine times in 23 years, bought and sold five houses, and lived in three rentals and I wouldn’t dream of selling or buying a house by myself. It’s just too complicated.
In the book of life this is in the chapter “Life is Unfair” and yes, it sucks because it’s not the result of anything you did. I have faith in you that once you stop feeling sorry for yourself that you’ll face this challenge head on and deal with it, learn from it, and everything will work out.
M,
Thank you for speaking the truth! I am finished feeling sorry for myself. I’m stepping to the plate a la Pablo Sandoval. Without the spare tire. Not that I have an issue with his – he wears it so well, and clearly it helps him launch balls over the center field wall.
I’m moving on, M. In many ways. I’m so grateful you’re hear to give me a shove, a tender shove.
Love yourself,
Cleo
These facts and practicalities, the hard cold consequences of infidelity feel so unfair coming as they do on top of the emotional pain and suffering. I have no advice, no words of comfort other than- my thoughts are with you.
Perhaps though, all these new challenges will present new joys and unexpected pleasures.
Change, change and more change.
M,
Just being here for me is a huge comfort. Because of this amazing group of people, not one of us is alone. I am SO grateful for that. And for the honest dialogue that percolates in these comments. Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Seriously Cleo–will the similarities between all of our experiences ever stop amazing me?? Here’s my house buying/packing/moving experience but with a fun twist at the end that’ll have you shaking your head!
We also went in search of our “lifetime home” a few years before my version of the Genius left. And yes, he was seeing her then and yes, I now believe he bought our grand house to ultimately impress her, not me and our boys. I wanted a fixer-upper but he kept pushing for the huge house in the prestigious neighborhood with the pool in the beautifully wooded back yard. I remember being surprised how much he pushed for that house since it was a lot more expensive than the one I wanted and usually he went for the cheaper option. Not this time.
Fast forward to him leaving after we had been in the house for a few years and I had made it our home. It only took about a year for him to realize he couldn’t afford to live his two separate lives and still pay for our home so I, too, got the proverbial boot. Not only that but I was the one who had to keep the house spotless with 3 young boys so it could be shown at a moments notice. This went on for about 6 months until we realized we were up shits creek since we bought it at the height of the market and were trying to sell it at the depths of the market.
My Geniuses plan was for us to move out and he would rent it since no one was biting on buying it and we were upside down in it at the time. So my loving parents offered to foot the downpayment for a townhouse for me (ironically directly across the street from the house we lived in before we moved into our mansion) and I would pay them full rent with the knowledge that one day it would be mine. So that’s what I did. Oh and I moved us out of that HUGE house pretty much on my own while I was in school for massage therapy and homeschooling my three boys. Talk about stressed out!! And then he had the balls to yell at me because I left stuff in the garage for him to go through and move because “he thought I said I had gotten everything out and didn’t realize he was going to have to do work.” UNREAL.
So I find my townhouse and we move in and it instantly feels more like home than that huge house did. My boys love it and tell me all the time that it’s much more cozy than that other house. So here’s the kicker about “that other house”. After two years of me being in my townhouse, he moves back into our house WITH his HDC and her son. So now they are living in the house, he’s getting married next month and life is grand for him. Oh and get this…last week it was dark and raining when I went to pick my boys up and I accidentally (it truly was an accident lol) ran into their grass with my front tires. My ex texts later and asks me if I “rode on his lawn” and I explained what happened and that it was an accident. Fast forward to Friday night when I took my boys over there to drop them off and his HDC had blocked the bottom of the driveway with her car by putting it perpendicular to the opening so that I couldn’t drive up it!! (it’s a HUGE hill to get to the top) At that point, I had to just bust out laughing because the whole situation truly is comical at times. I really wanted to remind her that MY name is still on the lien, NOT hers (been trying to get mine off for a few years now but he has to refinance first…just another nail in the coffin since he missed a few payments and took my credit score from excellent to 580 in a matter of months!).
I didn’t tell you all of this to try to “one up” your story…I told you all of this because I want you to know that I used to handle stress and “the unknown” horribly. I was a major planner whose life was going right on track as planned…college, becoming a teacher, marriage, kids, stay-at-home-mom…and then BOOM…it was all blown to smithereens! But over the last 4 years, I have learned that I cannot let the unknown eat me alive at this tumultuous time in my life because it’s a state I am often in.
You will be fine. I promise. It might not be fun and you WILL have moment where you want to literally strangle the Genius. My biggest hurdle was realizing that HE made a choice that forced my life to do a 180 but left his life relatively the same as before. Once I was able to get over that realization and move on, it made everything easier (but that took YEARS for me to come to grips with and I still sometimes feel the anger of that realization sneak up behind me!).
The next house you find WILL be your home with your boys and they will love it as much, if not more, than the one you are in now because you are going to build it with love (hypothetically of course…although I do think you could probably build a house with your tenacity and strength
N,
The blocking of the driveway…Did you ride on my lawn? Oh, to be writing a screen play:
Yea, I rode on your lawn, hoping to find you with your head down a rabbit hole so I could help you get a closer look with my front tire.
That was a cleaned up version of what I would want to say if I was willing to waste my breath. But, I’ve learned from all of you that it’s crucial to leave the adulterer behind.
I’m ready to leave the adulterer behind. The comments to this post have helped me to be ready. I’m so ready.
I feel like I should dress up for this occasion but my cap and gown are at the cleaners. What did I do with that feather boa??
Thank you, N. I adore having you here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Don’t forget the tiara!
T,
Polishing it as I type…
Love yourself,
Cleo
wow, i enjoy everyone’s posts so much and right now it is much needed. My GENIUS decided to refinance our house 6 months before i believe he started his physical affair. (i use physical and emotional because i believe he had been in an emotional affair for sometime before it became physical) Fast forward through me kicking him out of the house because i found hotel receipts (he said he was playing all night poker with some guy friends who all had their own houses! really??) , lies, lies and more you guessed it lies, a year of separation because he didn’t know what he “wanted”, and then when everything finally came out in the open (yes, he was still denying an affair) because he got fired from his job as a warehouse manager because you guessed it, he was leaving work in the middle of the day with the secretary (15 years older than him secretary) for some lunchtime fun. (guess cormpanies frown on that, who knew!!!!) and finally now our pending divorce. Wanted to keep something constant for me and my kids (boy aged 8 & girl aged 6) so I am trying to keep the house (fortunately we chose a modest house and not one that strapped us (my idea good thing) . He is trying to push me into a refinancing timeline which i have been reluctant to do. We just refinanced 2 years ago with closing costs and bought it just bought it 2 years before that. Fears I may be under equity because yet now more closing costs to pay and can’t refinance. This is the very last piece in finalizing our divorce and we will be finished. Side note: he now lives with said secretary who somehow was NOT fired and her youngest daughter. She has 3 adult children with I believe 2 or 3 different marriages. Yep, genius! Girls (and maybe a few guys??) we are so much better than the idiots we are divorcing. Time will make that a reality. Most dumb men don’t just make 1 mistake in their lives, it’s a pattern.
admin
on November 1, 2012 at 4:32 pm said:
N,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here.
I’d like to ‘grow’ those words about mistakes being part of a pattern for a future post. Patterns, habits, traits…doing what’s comfortable even though it’s not what’s needed. We all fall into that trap. For me it was not acknowledging the pattern for what it was – he was completely comfortable lying – and being brave enough to walk away because I respected myself too much to share precious time on this planet with a liar.
That ease with deceit bleeds into so many aspects of a cheater’s life that the only way to stop the spread is to be humble and vulnerable, two things that are a near impossibility with a narcissist. (While I’m clearly not adept at spotting fatal flaws, I have a feeling that most people who cheat have some degree of a narcissistic personality.)
You are almost to the end! I’m so proud of you. Rock on, m’lady. And stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
N,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here.
I’d like to ‘grow’ those words about mistakes being part of a pattern for a future post. Patterns, habits, traits…doing what’s comfortable even though it’s not what’s needed. We all fall into that trap. For me it was not acknowledging the pattern for what it was – he was completely comfortable lying – and being brave enough to walk away because I respected myself too much to share precious time on this planet with a liar.
That ease with deceit bleeds into so many aspects of a cheater’s life that the only way to stop the spread is to be humble and vulnerable, two things that are a near impossibility with a narcissist. (While I’m clearly not adept at spotting fatal flaws, I have a feeling that most people who cheat have some degree of a narcissistic personality.)
You are almost to the end! I’m so proud of you. Rock on, m’lady. And stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow, I am trying to keep up with posts here and I’m finally in October (just a month behind!). Nicole, just when I thought my husband was the world’s biggest jackass, I’m reminded that he’s in excellent company. My story, too, is similar to yours and Chloe’s. I’m in the “mansion” that we built a few years ago that NEVER had the right energy (always felt this). But the mortgage is in my name so I’m waiting for him to buy me out with his mistresses’ trust fund. He’s been jerking me around for months saying it’s coming. Oh and that the minute he buys me out, I need to leave immediately (that’s her talking) and that I can “live with my mom and the kids can stay with him” until I find a place. Like that will ever happen. So she will move right into this house once this buyout happens.
Here’s where I’m awestruck though: you and Chloe are in this place of laughing at the stupidity of it all and living your LIFE. You laugh at the other woman (in my case, girl – she’s 25 and has the brains and moral fiber of a skunk). Are thankful you’re not with the husband who hurt you. I’m getting there at a snail’s pace. My challenge is the anger keeps creeping up on me….and as much as I try, it’s there and it affects my attitude with my amazing kids. I can’t get past the fact she spends time with my kids and that my husband prances her around his family. One day at a time, I know. In short, I truly appreciate hearing your stories and am encouraged by your strength and sense of humor.
H,
Your vulnerability and honesty is beautiful. That alone means you’re almost there. You’re being honest with yourself about why you’re angry. Make sure you know all the reasons. And make sure they’re all valid. Spend enough time with them, one on one. However you need to – in a field, on a mountain… Eventually, you won’t need to be angry anymore. I know it sounds ludicrously simple, but it works. Then it’s easy to see that being angry prevents joy, joy rocks, anger sucks – go, joy! But they need their time before that shift occurs. It’s worth every moment invested. Especially the part where you LET GO.
Laughter is essential. Situations are humorous, but there’s nothing funny about a family being torn apart. Years of memories torched. It takes time to work through the emotions, sift out the lessons. It’s not enough to say, I’m not going to let them take away another day from me. You have to VALUE THAT DAY! They’re yours, and they’re precious. And none of this s…tuff is going to matter in a year or few. So get a jump on recouping your self. Always here for you, H.
Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh Hazel…I wish I could give you a big hug right now! Believe me when I say that it has taken me the ENTIRE past 4 years to get to where I am today and it has NOT been an easy journey! Especially since my ex’s HDC also has the brains and moral fiber of a skunk and has also repeatedly hurt my 3 boys.
I have spent countless hours, days and weeks fuming about what I’ve lost…how she just stepped right into my “role” and off they went like I never existed. How she moved right into MY house and in a round about way, forced me to move into a small, old townhouse. How he bought her 2 new cars while I had to sell my newer nice one and get a used one. How they took trips I used to be able to take but can now no longer afford. I could go on and on…really, I could! LOL
BUT…just like Cleo says, at some point, you have to come to the realization that holding onto all that anger and resentment will eat your alive and make you a very unhappy person. Not to mention it does nothing to change a thing. Me getting mad won’t magically make more $$ appear in my bank account or whisk me off to a caribbean island like they go to together. What it did do was make me bitter and ugly and one day I just decided that it wasn’t worth it to feel like that. Don’t get me wrong, it took me 2 years or more to get to this point–it certainly didn’t happen overnight!
I think for me, the hardest pill to swallow was that MY life had to do a 180 for a choice HE made and I had no say in it. It’s one thing if we make a decision and have to live with the consequences but it’s a whole nother story when someone else makes that decision and it seems to affect us negatively while they go on their merry way together–make us feel like we’ve been left in the dust.
What I had to do was get grateful! I had to realize that all those things that she now has of mine (the huge house, the new cars, the boat, the jet skis) are all just THINGS. They are things used to replace the big, gaping holes in their lives because they aren’t truly happy. How can anyone who trashes an entire family be happy–that goes for both of them.
And about the girlfriend prancing around his family…yeah, mine did that too…for awhile. I was VERY close to my in-laws. Our two families spent every major holiday together. So the loss of that was HUGE for me and my family. And for awhile it seemed she had “gotten in”. I had to let go of my in-laws and accept that he was their son and they were going to do what they needed to do to still have him in their lives (as any mother would.)
The skunk even had a talk with my in-laws about how they shouldn’t talk to me anymore because it upsets her and I’m not their daughter in law anymore. So they didn’t really—for about 2 1/2 years. And then IT happened. Skunk began to piss them off one by one with her teenage-like antics and eventually she was banned by the entire family. Now, for the past year, even his own parents have said they will not allow her around so my ex hasn’t even talking to his parents or 3 siblings in a year…which is VERY sad considering how close they all were. And believe me, this is just what the skunk wanted to happen. She wanted to alienate him from all of them because she knew they liked me and that they didn’t like her. I have even had a heart to heart with my ex about him and his family but she has brainwashed him to the point that he thinks everyone in his family is out to get him and he won’t entertain the idea of a reconciliation. And to make matters worse, he married the skunk in Cancun two weeks ago. Everyone in the family hoped and pleaded that he wouldn’t go through with it but he did. And we ALL know it won’t last.
So all that to say that what something looks like on the outside (that she’s seamlessly being inserted into his family) is probably NOT what is actually happening. As my sister in law said to me not to long ago…you can’t just replace a person who has been in the family for 16 years, with a cheaper and younger model and just think everyone will just move forward. I think in the beginning that is what everyone tried to do because what other option do they have? He’s their family and he’s with her. BUT, just know that you ARE missed and she is NOT taking your place in their eyes.
In the end, I am happier now. I didn’t think I would be if you asked me 2 or 3 years ago but now I see that he was toxic. Even though we never fought and were best friends and great roommates, the underlying deceit (even if I didn’t consciously acknowledge it) was unhealthy for me and my boys.
You’ll find you way Hazel in your own time–I promise! Just try not to get so caught up in the anger and resentment because it truly only hurts you–not him or her. The best way to get back at him is to live a life full of happiness, gratefulness and love. THAT is the best revenge!
I’ll leave you with a quote from the ever-wise Buddha:
“Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
If you ever want to talk, my email [email protected]
N,
You are one beautiful woman. Thank you for taking the time to share some much appreciated guidance to Hazel and others who can benefit from your words. So, so grateful you are here and that you care so much.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow, good encouragement Nicole. I wanted to comment on something you said in your post. Inner toxic. You hit the nail on the head right there for me. It’s like on the outside everything seems good and wholesome, but the deceit and their way of thinking and being is really toxic on the inside. Let me explain. Before my pocket call, i would have told you that my husband was a wonderful husband, great father, selfless. But now that i am in a new relationship with a man that i consider has all those qualities i see clearly that my ex was nothing like that. you see, since i had been in only 1 relationship, and i married and had kids with the man in that 1 relationship i had nothing to compare the relationship to. Now i have something to compare. And my now boyfriend has asked me to stop apologizing when the laundry is not done, to stop apologizing for not cleaning up something the kids messed up right away, he tells me i really DON’T have to wait on him hand and foot and actually it makes him uncomfortable that i do that, try to do that. “We are partners remember, 50/50″ “You work, I work, everything is 50/50″ To me I never realized i did those things. It is automatic for me. I never realized i waited hand and foot, but now looking back that is exactly what i did. I never realized i constantly apologized for not doing things perfectly, but THAT is what I did. And it is to the point when J (boyfriend) points something out of the “habit” of mine, he stops and says “nadine, what is my name” to remind me that he is not him. Was i in an abusive marriage? he never hit me, not once. But abuse comes in many forms and being treated like a slave is one of them. Made to feel like you have to be perfect to keep him happy is one of them. What about him making me happy? Sure he would buy me tons of gifts, jewelry and take me away for the weekend but that also made him happy. I thought at the time it made me happy, but did it? You know what makes me happy, getting home from work and my partner saying, “i’ll make dinner tonight, go relax”, gets up and does laundry and watches the kids while he lets me sleep in on a saturday,
I know now I could never live up to the standards my ex husband required, it . I actually feel sorry for HDC, people have told me he is like basically dating an older version of me (i am 34, she is 50, he is 37). She has a life ahead of her filled with expectations that she will never be able to achieve.
N – Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful note and to share your experience. So many similarities. SO many. My gosh. It blew me away. I’ve been thinking about your response all weekend. Everything you said resonated with me, but it was this that really hit me:
***”I think for me, the hardest pill to swallow was that MY life had to do a 180 for a choice HE made and I had no say in it. It’s one thing if we make a decision and have to live with the consequences but it’s a whole other story when someone else makes that decision and it seems to affect us negatively while they go on their merry way together–make us feel like we’ve been left in the dust.”***
That’s it. You summed it up in a couple sentences. It’s the loss of everything: your life, control on your circumstances, your everything. Mind you, it takes two to get to the place in a marriage where stuff turns bad. I take responsibility for those actions and am changing my life to never get back to that place. But like Cleo says, he made the CHOICE to cheat and take the easy way out.
For me, watching him with this girl in my face for months, while he was still sleeping with me no less (which ceased in late May – I shut that down finally – was trying to get him back), and he thought nothing of it. Yesterday, I saw him when I was with the kids. I was looking at him and realizing I still loved him. But for the life of me, I can’t figure out WHAT I love. I guess I feel that at his core, he’s not the jerkoff he’s been. Or I’m just totally delusional. Clearly, I still have a long road ahead. But after a few private cries yesterday, I was fine. I was okay.
It’s a loooooooooong road. And I so appreciate Cleo’s blog and what I learn from all of you. Thank you so much and I might just hit you up on that email offer.
I’m glad my reply could help you in some way! I really think before we can start to heal, we have to be able to pinpoint what exactly it is that is making us mad, angry, sad etc… And I found that mine was anger at his poor choices negative affecting me and my boys. Period.
Another great thing that my therapist had me do when my ex first left was to make two lists–one of all the qualities I love about him and the other of his short-comings or the things I didn’t like about him. Well, when I did this exercise I had to laugh out loud because I literally had 3 or so things that I really loved about him and about 20 or more things that I didn’t like about him!
What it clearly showed me was that it’s so easy to romanticize someone when we are desperately trying to hold onto them or get them back. Our mind tends to focus on only the good times and good qualities of that person.
Having this list staring me in the face; I was no longer able to pretend that we had something “wonderful”.
Might want to give that exercise a try and be very honest with yourself when you do!
N,
Great idea! Thanks for sharing it. Love watching the kittens support each other. Coolest bunch of people EVER.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I was in a similar position this summer. I had to selll what I thought was out dream home- the one in which I thought we’d grow old together, where our kids would get married in the backyard, the one next door to my best friend surrounded by a community that I loved. The one we bought just a few months before I learned of his infidelity- not his first infidelity, mind you, just the first one I found out about. I was devastated and overwhelmed. Of course, he left all of the work to me, all of the sorting, packing, cleaning, staging. Of course, he was not inconvenienced by having to have the house immaculate at all times for showings (with two kids, two dogs, two guinea pigs.)
It is beyond unfair.
I am now in a (somewhat crappy) rental looking for a home in a new community, because I can’t afford to keep my daughter in a neighborhood that feeds into her old school district- which in her first year of junior high is…unfair. Again. I have so many people in my life outraged on my behalf, I almost don’t need to be!
I will say this, though, the night I moved into my crappy rental? It was the first night in almost two years that I got a full night’s sleep. That first full day in my crappy rental? It was the first day in a long time that I actually felt hunger. That I didn’t need to be lovingly nagged to eat by everyone around me. I think I had underestimated what being in that house was doing to me.
That’s the house where I found out my life was a joke, my marriage was a lie. That’s the house where I spent the following eight months white knuckling it, trying to make things work by myself- and we all know how well that paddling with one oar thing works out. That was the house where I realized I couldn’t want it enough for both of us, and that he simply didn’t love me. I had twenty bad memories for every good one in that house, because things fell apart so quickly after we bought it.
My point is this. There’s no way to spin this that doesn’t suck. That isn’t unjust, and unbalanced and awful. But that house might be carrying more bad energy for you than you realize. That house might be draining you in ways you don’t fully appreciate yet. And I can tell you, even having not found our HOME yet, there is something to be said for being in a place that isn’t contaminated by him in any way. That he doesn’t feel comfortable walking into freely. That house is not your home. You and your boys are your home- and that is entirely mobile.
And on a practical note- I was in the same position of being faced with potentially taking a loss on the house if I used a realtor- but I found one that works for 1%, which is a growing trend. I don’t know if that would be enough to make a difference for you, but it worked well for me. Just something to think about.
L,
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s not only helpful to me but to anyone who is experiencing this upheaval.
Your experience and the words of Mr. Simplicity have lifted me up, refocused my heart, brought me back to where I need to be. I believe you that it will feel good to move on from a home I could never truly move into. I’m starting to look forward to the experience.
I’ll treat it as an adventure, just like I treated moving to California – and that was QUITE an adventure. Ultimately, the best move I’ve made to date. So why should this one be any different?
Thank you.
Love yourself, Cleo
all will be well, all will be well, and all manner of things will be well. ‘That’s a true fact.’ as my daughter would say.
L,
Or, as I say, a truism. I live isms. And you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Laura–I had the same exact experience with my “home” that we bought while he was having his love affair with his HDC. I stayed there for a year white-knucking it like you did. I also did not realize the toll it was taking on me and nor did I realize how much it really WASN’T a home until I moved into MY OWN townhouse (about 1/4 of the size and magnitude of our “home”). Like you, that first night I slept like a baby for the first time in a year! I woke up thinking “OMG–so THIS is what a good nights sleep feels like???”
It IS different when you’re not in that tainted house anymore–even if it is no where as grand or fancy as the other one was–it was all a farce anyway right???
It is so true. And I don’t think there is any way to appreciate how toxic it is to be in what I call the ‘dog and pony show’ house until you are not. I am going to look at a house today that I have a good feeling about- keep your fingers crossed for me…
L,
I shall! L, I had no idea how much this house was bringing me down. I have turned the corner. Feeling like I can breath again… Thank you for your support, m’lady.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Don’t answer if you don’t want to, but why does he get 50% of the boys?
I gave 50% of my 2 little girls to my ex and now 2 years later am dealing with the fallout. They are not doing well, the instability of the shuffling back and forth (we do one week each in rotating) has caused health problems and anxiety in them and my pediatrician has advised I get them to a psychologist. It’s that bad. I’ve spoken to school counselors, teachers and pediatricians which all have advised that 50/50 should be for older children only. Developmentally it’s much harder to shuffle for the wee ones. Just great right? In fairness in the beginning the arrangement seemed ok, but as time has progressed and the “permanency of the arrangement has sunk in” the children are having weight loss, metabolism issues, loss of sleep, behavioral issues, etc. (Quotes are the doctor’s.) A massive mess to try to change now. Hence my advice, to think about it before anything is too late.
Please think long and hard on this, as of all my regrets, giving so quickly of half their time in order to be fair to my ex, wasn’t the right thing for my children. I should have only given him weekends so that at least during school days they had stability.
Aside from that, HOLY CRAP what an Frackin’ ASSHOLE to buy the house after the pocket call. I didn’t realize that timeline was what it is. This amounts to being even more evil than I thought of TG. (Way to go D-bag! Hope you are reading this!!) Cleo – I cannot imagine the stress you are under and I am outraged for you. I hope you are getting a decent amount of child support and other type of support from him. How dare he??
You will be fine, as we will all be fine. The bumps are just that and the most important thing is our health, blah blah blah. Hugs to you and keep quenching your thirst.
J,
I appreciate your input on the custody issue. I did not protest the current arrangement because TG has been traveling so much that I felt it important for him to be as present as possible in the lives of the dudes. That said, I will not hesitate to speak up if this current arrangement does not support their needs, first and foremost. And exclusively. Because only their needs matter when it comes to that which affects them most directly.
I can say that they are not as rested as they have been when living in one home. I consider rest to be the most essential thing for a child. Above veggies. Not above love, however. But rest is key to being able to be happy, handle challenges and learn.
I’ve spoken up before about the dudes watching content too old for their age group and a smattering of other things that have occurred that have left me feeling uncomfortable. Let’s just say, I’m always wrong and everything’s been taken out of context. So, given that, I’ll monitor the situation closely, focusing on the health and well-being of the children (to include letting them have a childhood – there’s plenty of time for PG-13 movies when they are THIRTEEN, right!?) exclusively. I’ve been told often that this period of time goes fast. My list of desires for them is short: love, health and safety. Soon, they will be making their own decisions, regardless of The Genius or me.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. You’ve helped me to work through some of these issues in my heart, and that is something I have very much needed to do. So grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
thank you for your custody remarks, ex tried to get 50/50 custody and i fought him on it hard. Wondered if it was worth the fight, but now i know yes it was.
Jane, thank you for your custody remarks, ex tried to get 50/50 custody and i fought him on it hard. Wondered if it was worth the fight, but now i know yes it was.
Cleo,
yes, it gets better, lots better, no matter what house you are in. He moved in with HDC and, I met a wonderful man with 2 little ones (3 & 6), from a support group for people going through divorce or who are divorced. He is so much warmer, caring and just an all around awesome family guy than my ex ever was. Went from uptight, game hunting, truck loving, eco centric, narcissistic I’m a real man a**hole cheater to warm,family first, save the environment and animal loving artist.
On his end: he divorced his wife after she ran off with a guy she met on the internet and hasn’t seen their children in over 2 years. He has full custody and is a full time Mr. Mom. And it was my mom’s idea to look for someone that maybe had a similar thing happen to him and could relate. LOL. Thank you mom!!
N,
I am so happy for you! A beautiful beginning to a more balanced and loving life. Well done, m’lady. You attracted what best suited you – JOY!
Love yourself,
Cleo
I wish I had some profound words of wisdom to add here but unfortunately I don’t. What I do want to say that it’s your profound words and inner analyzation of your thoughts and feelings that have helped me beyond ways I could’ve ever imagined. You have changed my life in ways you’ll probably never know. I make decisions in my life differently now because of you, I realize I deserve better because of you, I see things in a more positive way because of you and I seek adventure again in my life because of you. I never would have thought in a million years that reading someone’s blog could ever be able to get me not only through the worst time in my life but more importantly past it. You’ve made me feel normal in my mind by sharing the same thoughts, concerns and worries that you also feel and think about. The way you’re able to express things has actually made me realize I was feeling the same way but never even knew it! The day I heard you on Cosmo radio while i sat in my driveway hanging on your every word…..forever changed my life! I want to thank you over and over again.
Clink.
Just writing this to you has me filled with a bunch of choked up tears. But tears of normalcy and tears of me and my son will be ok. There’s plenty of days that I don’t know how but the mornings I see an email that you have a new post most definitely help and make me feel like the weight is a little lighter.
If it wasn’t so early I’d say “clink” so just save it for later.
R,
I have tucked that clink’ away for this afternoon when the first pitch is thrown and the SF Giants take game one on the way to hoisting the trophy and pulling me up on their wagon during the parade. It’s going to be magic.
Thank you, R, for your ultra kind words. I’m filled with tears of happiness that I have managed, through my words, to help you heal. I feel that surge of excitement to know that your life has changed for the better because we connected. I’m so grateful to Patrick for having me on so that I could connect with you and all who listen to him.
Thank you so much for being here and for taking the time to give me one massive high five and a clink to start my day. You’ve filled me with joy. Forever grateful, beautiful.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh, and I’ve tried to follow you on twitter…….I’m laughing just thinking about my inability to understand it. Twitter that is, (well for the subject sake of the email) but I’m still trying! And my friends are just as twitter inept as me despite the fact that were still all hanging around the age of 40 and work in fields that should be using it!
R,
It takes some getting used to. Don’t hang your head in shame! Create a twitter account and follow me (I am such a bad teacher!), and then remember to check into twitter. I never used to check in. But now that it’s on my phone, and I get to chat with you all at the most necessary times, I check in often. Without it I wouldn’t have had my SUPER COOL encounter with Nancytex! Just think, R…you could be somewhere and I could be in the same somewhere and we could figure it out via twitter and go all nuts hugging and s…tuff!
You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have been gone for a bit so maybe I missed this somewhere, but why do you have to sell that house on your own? Are you the only person on the title? Are you the only person the mortgage is listed under? If the Scumsucker (I’m sorry .. I cannot call that bottom feeder ‘genius’ any longer) is listed on that house, then HE MUST HELP SELL IT. And if, per chance, he’s the ONLY person on that house, walk away. Let HIM deal with it. He doesn’t get to change his mind, make a mess, and walk away from that mess. He must help clean it up. If he’s quitclaimed the house to you and it’s your sole responsibility at this point, then selling it yourself makes sense and isn’t as hard as you think. You can do this. Of course, you knew that already. As far as income stream, what about this blog? I think book deal should be a no-brainer. Movie rights … the whole shebang. I’m seeing you as Jessica Chastain.
Hugs from the east coast. I’m now suddenly craving tall glass of ice cold water …..
K,
We purchased this house jointly, but having to work with him on getting the house ready to be sold is something I would like to avoid doing. That said, I will do what I have to to move on from this house that I’ve never lived in and into a new situation that supports the boys and me.
I know help will arrive when I need it, even if it is simply help that comes from within. I will also not shy away form asking for help.
I can’t quite figure out how to monetize the blog without crapping it up with ads. So, that is why I am writing a novel – which, as you know, has been a lifelong dream. I’ll tackle the same themes in that book (I’m so excited about how the story is shaping up!), but it will be fiction. That said, I’d love to hear any suggestions as to how I may be able to create revenue through the blog that isn’t a money grab. Does that make sense? Hey! I just asked for help! Yay, me!
The power of suggestion…I’m thirsty now, too. Thank you for your hugs and for being here. Oh, Jessica Chastain is nearly my doppelganger. Nicely done, m’lady.
Love yourself,
Cleo
So you know, even if you do crap up your blog with ads, I’ll still be here reading, and it won’t be hard to ignore the ads, because I know that they’re your income and the means by which you are able to distance yourself from the “bottom-feeder”.
N,
Thank you, m’lady. Here’s hoping some amazing sponsor comes knocking. Someone we all want to support and see thrive. Someone who wants to see people move through betrayal and divorce in a truly positive way, setting a great example for others, including the future Mr. & Mrs.’ of the world. If they could help me take a bite out of infidelity, I’d be stoked. People really need to stop cheating and grow up.
You, however, simply rock. Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I concur! Go ahead and add some ads!!! Agree with Nina completely on this. How many readers do you have now? Seriously … you could earn some green on this.
K,
It would seem that way, right? But you all would have to click on those ads – which would probably be for detective kits to spot cheating spouses and s…tuff like that – in order for revenue to be generated. I just can’t do it to you. I’m hopeful that I’ll manifest a sponsor who I can feel good about partnering with and know that they add value. Maybe it’s not even a company. Maybe it’s an angel who knows that we need to keep writing these words.
This is something I did not anticipate – fresh stories of betrayal that pour in to my email. Every day. Each one takes me right back to the Pocket Call. Somewhere in the body of the email they often ask, Please don’t ever stop writing. Even if I wanted to (which I don’t), I can’t. I want to make every single person who has been betrayed feel better. And then I want to help them heal. And then I want to watch them shine.
I’ll find a way, K. The thousands of HGMers will hold the lantern. Thank you for being one of them.
Love yourself,
Cleo
If anyone can go through this without cracking, it’s you! You are one amazing woman, and we have no doubt that you will do it all, move, find a source of income, be there for your boys and publish your book! We who share this journey with you will be cheer leaders all the way! I am already dreaming of standing in line to get your book signed by you when you come down to the Peninsula for a book reading : )
N,
Thank you SO much! I can’t wait to meet you. I haven’t thought about how spectacular it will feel to be able to come and meet you all. That’s some superior motivation. Thank you.
My most favorite activity is to read to the boys, hands down. I love reading books out loud. It would be the single coolest experience of my life to read my words to those who came to hear them.
I’m so grateful you took the time to make my day.
Love yourself,
Cleo
My heart aches for you on this huge undertaking, selling your house. But it is a house, and one that is tainted by all the lies that went into its purchase. Your “home” will move with you and the boys to a place you can be proud of and will keep you safe from the memories of betrayal. You don’t deserve this. Its not fair he had an insta-life with the HDC. But her karma will come. He will get restless again. You are out of that danger.
In my divorce I was lucky to be the bread-winner and be able to keep custody and my house. I changed up the inside to make a new home for me and my girls. It is there home. They go to Dad’s house to “visit”, but they call to come “home”. I’d be able to make that for them in any house.
I love lists. I love crossing duties/things/purchases/obligations off those lists even more. You’ve packed before, try to be rote about it, not emotional.
You are not moving out as much as you are moving on.
T,
I am MOVING ON! Regardless of the walls and ceiling, the furniture, the location. None of it matters. I’ll make it fun for them anywhere. Some day they’ll tell me that they are so proud of me. That will be the best gift ever. Until then, I will earn their respect by MOVING ON!
I may have to record an audio entry so you all can hear me say that. Just know, that each time I type it I yell it out, not unlike Stanley in a Streetcar Named Desire. STELLAAAAAAA!
Thank you, T. I toast your presence on the planet.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh Dear Cleo,
I am so sorry…the fallout from betrayal seems to come in waves. I’m sorry that your plans have to now be put on hold because of the Genius’ selfishness. In a way, I think it’s better that you sell the house and get a fresh start in a new house that is intended for you and your children without any traces of the Genius. It’s a tangible symbol of YOU…not you and him…just YOU. You will be able to do it all (sell the house, find the perfect place, find the perfect job and rebuild a stronger, happier you) because that is the path in which your life is unfolding. As a side note, I hope that you are discussing this with your lawyer because any child support payments will have to take into account the costs of running two households. That was HIS choice and he will have to contribute to those costs.
And about his life being insta-perfect…I wouldn’t bet on it. I have the EXACT same situation with my soon-to-be ex right now. I actually had a little meeting with his HDC a week ago and left that meeting filled with anger at how nice she seemed and how she really seems to care about him which I found to be completely unfair. I was so mad that he gets to instantly have it all while I’m stumbling trying to heal and find my way out of this deep chasm of hurt. But then upon further reflection I realized that he is a mess. A self-loathing, pitiful creature that could f*ck up a relationship with Mother Theresa. So I put it out of my mind.
Some people can wear denial like it’s Versace haute couture, but it’s an illusion and illusions never last and are not the least bit fulfilling. I don’t envy him and I don’t envy her (I feel sorry for her…but I’m not losing any sleep over it).
Your future is so bright. This selling of the house necessary for a full cleansing. And in your purified state, you will radiate like the sun.
Big hugs to you and your Dudes,
A
A,
Thank you for your kind words of support and that big, warm hug. Much appreciated. Especially on this nippy morning.
I awoke this morning before dawn feeling more centered. There’s a lot to do. But 40 years from now I won’t be thinking about the boxes or upheaval. I’ll be feeling proud because I will have lived an honest life, handled betrayal with grace and stayed true to my morals, values and boundaries.
That’s what motivates me to shine through this time. That and you. Thank you. I’m so grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Just so you know, “A self-loathing, pitiful creature that could f*ck up a relationship with Mother Theresa” made me snort coffee out my nose. And to return the favor, a girlfriend sent me a link to a bumper sticker she said she was going to buy and put on my ex-husband’s car (not really.) It says, “Jesus loves me… but he’s the only one.”
L,
I lost it on that one, too! I would add to the Jesus bumper sticker: …”because he has to.”
Love yourself,
Cleo
love. it.
D,
Oh! Ontario! The land of my most favorite vacation memories from when I was a child. The place where I decided I was going to marry a Canadian (Oh, how I wish I had followed through on that one!). Lake Temagami. Swimming in the lake, fishing, playing card games, ordering ‘pop’ instead of soda, milk in bags, not cartons…exploring an old copper mine. I have magical memories of that place and will be bringing the boys there to revisit.
I hear you. If I make this an uncomfortable experience focusing on the negative then I’ll see all the bad and none of the good. I’m taking your lead and focusing on the possibilities, the opportunities, the adventure of it all. That sounds like a lot more fun then bumming out about the upheaval.
I will allow it, encourage it, and wrap my arms around it for a big, Canadian bear hug. Thank you, D, for commenting and for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You were on the radio? And I missed it?? I’ll have to search online and see if I can dig up a link somewhere.
Yes, the World Series will be magic this year. I have intentionally lost myself in the epic season the Giants have had so far, my eyes glued to the TV watching every pitch of every game that I could not actually be at (shout out to my bleacher peeps in Section 141!). It has been a good distraction for me, allowing myself to rekindle my love of baseball that I put on hold for so many years because my English husband detested the sport. Now I am free to watch all the MLB games I want to and I relish every moment. It’s tragic how we lose ourselves in the efforts of making another person happy. Why don’t we continue to love ourselves, to follow our passions, to be who we really are?
As you grow and transform into a beautiful and inspiring creature, full of reflective wisdom and gifted with the ability to write, I find myself cheering for you as you field those pop flys. Holding my breath while you are in the batter’s box waiting for the next curve ball. Or sinker. Or fast ball. You field ground balls with grace and athleticism and steal bases when you get the chance, always ready to sprint down the line when you see an opportunity. This is serious business, the game of life. And you, Cleo, are a true champion. Biiiiiiiiig kitten hug for you. And a double high five! And, of course, Go Giants!!
L,
As I read your words I made every move you described. I didn’t appear graceful, but you can bet that the smile on my face was smassive – that’s super massive in my house. Thank you so much for your love and support and smassive Giants cheers! I’m so glad you’ve rediscovered your love of The Game. It’s a sport rich with challenge, strategy, old-school codes of conduct. I just love it. Not as much as hockey, but close.
I don’t know if Cosmo with Patrick has an archive section, but that was the show – on Sirius. I’d like to do another show so you can hear my voice – I feel it would add a cool layer to what we have going on here. It all comes down to time. My first priority is writing for you and for me. I have not done any press for HGM, it’s all organic growth, and I’m super proud of that. Because it shows that you know where to go to find what you need. That said, a little push here and there will only help to grow our fabulous, smart, funny and brave community. I’ll put it on my list. My really big list!
Thank you for your kind words and for being here. I’m so appreciative. Go Giants! Pablo! Wow!
Love yourself,
Cleo
I first heard you on Cocktails with Patrick and zoomed to your HGM website and began reading…the rest was history. Wish you could go back on again to give him an update….maybe I’ll tweet him!
T,
So many times I wish I could just speak! Not just type. As I’m sure you can tell, I like a spicy conversation.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I don’t usually go thru the comments on your blog, but for some reason I did this morning. Not your current post but 2 back – and then (and I never do this either) I ended up clicking thru to the “momestery.com” blog that someone mentioned in a comment. I randomly scrolled down in the comments from THAT post, and this quote literally jumped off the page at me:
“Let go or be dragged.”
You know I am a huge quote nerd, but I had never heard this one. And it really hit me because I love to ride motorcycles, jump horses over fences, ride wave-runners, go water-skiing (anything fast) – and in everyone of those situations, if you stumble or fall, the key is “LET GO!” or risk being dragged, turned, tumbled, bruised, knocked unconscious or worse.
It sucks that you have to deal with all this stuff you are dealing with. And deal with it you WILL.
But in reading this morning’s post it felt like you were doing all of this while ALSO carrying a 50 pound bag of sand on your back – in which contains “The Genius,” what he did, how he did it, how he’s living now, what he said/says, how he treated/treats you, etc. All of this is a “drag” on you moving forward.
You HAVE to move forward – but you do NOT have to carry that bag of sand. No – this is not about forgiveness, any more than I have to forgive the boat that is dragging my uncoordinated butt around the lake as I fall. It’s just about letting go of the rope, so that I don’t get any more messed up than I am. Letting go is not for the boat – it’s for ME. Dig? The boat does not care whether I let go or not – it will just keep going and going and going.
I know this easier for me to say than for you to do, but…
“Let go or be dragged.”
Mr. S,
Now the world will see why I am so grateful you are in my life. I remember that cold call to your office phone all those years ago. Me pitching a candidate that I knew was an amazing guy, but I could barely articulate what he did for a living. You an entrepreneur who left preconceived notions out with the trash and listened to what I had to say, looking for a reason to connect, not deny. I have learned so much from you. The most cherished part is that well after we moved on from our businesses we keep learning from each other.
I am delighted to share your worlds with the HGMers. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. You and your perfectly simple words of guidance mean so much to me. You know how to get right to the center of a challenge and illuminate the right next move.
Yes. I need to shed the 50 pound pack. Although I’d have to say it weighs around 200. It is the ONLY thing that holds me back. The only thing. Drink in his words, kittens.
Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I love that message! Will remember it and use it often!
I have to wonder why you would sign a home contract AFTER receiving the pocket call.
In any event, if you are selling this house on your own, as I have, you need to prepare. I would suggest writing a brochure, as in a one-page document, printed on pretty paper, listing in bullet points all of the wonderful things about the house, neighborhood, etc., that you can think of. You have the flowery-prose skills to make this good. Give this to every person who is a potential buyer who walks through your door. Prop them up on a clipboard with a base in a visible place. Try to think of other places you can post it, too.
You will have to prepare for the fact that legions of strangers will be schlepping through your house at inconvenient moments. Hide your jewelry and anything valuable. Do not expect that a sign outside that says “By appointment only” will be heeded. People will knock on your door, or call from your driveway.
Consult an attorney to create a contract. I wrote my own sales contract, but I also had a real estate license in the distant past and a lot of legal experience, as well. My buyer’s attorney actually praised my contract as being both comprehensive and fair. One of the most important clauses in my contract was that I could stay in the house for up to six weeks (paying rent!) until I found a new place to move. That clause gave me much-needed breathing space, and I was out before the time limit was reached. That was what I needed. You have to think about what you need and if those needs should be memorialized in the contract.
Don’t expect that the first contract signed by a buyer is a sure thing. GET A SIGNIFICANT DEPOSIT AND DO NOT HESITATE TO CASH THE CHECK.
Start planning NOW. Good luck!
S,
Thank you for the sage advice! I really appreciate it.
I’ll shed some light on the evening of the Pocket Call. It was about 12 hours before our closing. I had NO idea what was going on behind the scenes in our marriage. Clearly. While I felt I understood what I had heard, I also listened to my husband deny it all. He said he was alone, it must have been background noise. When he’s not with me he’s with no one. There is no other woman. I was mistaken. And he was sorry that on the eve of leaving his family for two months I experienced something that was so awful. He wanted to come home right away and be with his family.
Obviously, it was all a crock of s…tuff. But in those fast, furious hours I was on auto pilot. Go to closing. Buy house. Oh, my God, what is going on in my life. Then, for two months he denied everything and professed his love for me and our children.
Had I concrete evidence of his massive betrayal I wouldn’t have gone through with the purchase of the house. Sadly, he choose the coward’s way out. No surprise there. So I move on. Literally and figuratively. And happily. With no dance. Because dance shoudl be pure.
Thank you for your guidance and your presence here at HGM.
Love yourself,
Cleo
More practical advice: Always, always sell your house “as is” no matter if it’s in excellent shape. You don’t want some yahoo five years down the road suing you for a crack in the foundation ( or other nonsense) you “should have known” about.
Also, if you buy a new house, have your title company do a THOROUGH search for old open permits. If there are any, make it a clause in the contract that it is up to the seller to pay to correct and close them.
Finally, remember selling your house is a business transaction and try to dissociate your emotions from it. I know it’s hard, but this has turned into your House of No Dreams.
The advice I have given you has been hard-won and very expensive personal experience for me. I wouldn’t want another woman to go through the hassles I did. Ten years after my sale, there is STILL $2,000 in escrow from permit issues I was unaware of when I bought the place. Gah.
PS: I rent now.
S,
I’ll be renting, for sure. The next house I purchase will either be a farm or at Stinson Beach. Till then, I’m happy to attract to me the right next house to make a home. And I’m so excited to know that there will be no history involved. Clean. Free. Un-mucked.
Thank you for the practical advice – I have noted it down. Excellent wisdom there, m’lady.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo
I’ve been reading your blog since the beginning, but never commented before. I have to now. It gets better! I was exactly where you are 5 years ago. I had so much anger and jealousy because my ex had immedately moved on and it seemed like the universe was handing him everything while I was struggling and alone. It seemed so unfair at the time to me since I was the faithful loving wife and he was a cheating, abusive bastard, yet he got the house and instantly had a new wife and what seemed on the outside like the perfect life. It made it all the worse because I actually did like the chick he was with, which should have made me feel better since she was living with my children 30% of the time, but in reality just pissed me off all the more because my ex didn’t deserve her any more than he deserved me. Fast forward to today…..My ex has just finalized his SECOND divorce (she left him in a spectacularly shocking way), he is in the process of declaring bankruptcy, and he has alienated his children with his selfishness to the point that they often times do not want to go over to his house anymore. As for me, I just purchased my own home, I’ve gone back to school and am 5 short weeks from my degree, and I am engaged to a man who fulfills every want (notice I did not say need, I fulfill those) I could have and loves my two boys like they’re his own children. The point of my story, it does get better (oh man does it) and just like the universe is giving you signs, it’s going to show you that he’s not as happy as he seems. You are amazing. You’ve handled your divorce with infinite more patience and grace than I could have ever hoped to have during mine. I have no doubt in my mind that you and your boys will thrive. Oh, and don’t forget to come to Maryland on your book tour!!! We love you on the east coast to.
J,
You have created the largest smile on my face. Thank you. Gosh, what a large and important day today has turned out to be. I am SO grateful you took the time to comment! It WILL get better if I follow Mr. Simplicity’s advice and the wisdom you and all the kittens have shared with me.
As for Maryland? I am so there. You, me, crabs. Clams. Waterside seats. An occasional hot fisherman or sailor to draw our gaze away from melted butter and broken crab shells. Then we clean up really quick and head to a bookstore to sit on the floor with spa water (wink, wink) in hand and read and laugh, and cry from laughing. Then it hits me that you all have supported me through out the worst time of my life for no reason other than care for another human being and I burst into tears. Like I’m doing right now.
Thank you so much for being here. We will celebrate together one day soon. I am certain of it!
Love yourself,
Cleo
YES Cleo…do come to Maryland!! I’m in Annapolis…where are you Jenn?
Southern Maryland, Lexington Park to be exact. I love it. We have all the nature and we’re still close enough to DC so I can go to concerts or see my beloved Capitals (damn the lockout).
J,
LOCKOUT! Err. Makes me want to stand naked in front of the NHL offices and stamp my feet with displeasure, but the flippers do enough for me these days. You kittens should make a date with each other!
Love yourself,
Cleo
P,
You are full of love and wisdom and support and colorful language! I appreciate every word of guidance you have so carefully put forth to me. The time you take to hug me from afar is so touching to me. I am forever grateful for your support and presence here at HGM. I will take all these points to heart as I move through and ONWARD from this mess of a situation.
I hope you’ll be with me every step of the way, P. Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, Sweet awesome Cleo. My heart goes out to you. I feel like the level of unfairness you are having to manage right now will come back to you with love and joy and prosperity, and maybe even that big ol’ best seller you are writing (and I will buy…IN HARDCOVER!). Blessings show up in the details, and the new energy of your own space will indeed be wonderful and challenging and cleansing. I have moved a lot. It never gets any easier regardless of buying/selling/renting, etc. Each move states a clear and defined time in my life. This will be good for you, and I have no doubt you will manifest the perfect HOME. Also, you do live in a great place to be on the selling side of the deal. Hire the sexiest real estate agent you can find and be sure to flirt with them right in front of TG.
Go get ‘em you incredible woman!
M,
Thank you so much for such kind, caring, inspiring words. I’m super motivated to make you all proud. It truly does drive me. Thank you for being here. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
M,
It’s been an ultra raw day. Your love makes me feel so blessed. So fortunate. I am so moved this evening by the care and generosity of those here at HGM. It’s helping me to take one final step that must be taken in order for me to live freely. Tonight I will make myself proud, and every day forward. I need to be alone with my feelings tonight.
I will write the post while the skies are still dark and the fog is still slumbering in the valley.
Tears flow…so grateful for your presence.
Love yourself,
Cleo
P,
Oh, do I! And I love to act. Anything that has me unzipping my core and baring it feels great to me. I’d love to do voice overs. There’s so many things I’d love to do. I love radio – and have hosted in that format in the past. SO fun. I’d do a radio show in a heartbeat.
Today feels very much like a day when the door opens and the world rushes in. I’m so ready. Thank you for being here and for caring. I feel well-taken care of by all of you. And I can’t possibly express my gratitude enough without being able to tackle you and hug you until you beg to be freed.
Love yourself,
Cleo
To go ahead and buy the house while immersed in the affair… I would call that madness. Unbelievable. I think men who have a Plan B in place before they notify Plan A should be shot in the streets… but that might be because I’m living this right now.
K,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. It does seem reckless, no? Over-confident? You have to admit that the timing of the Pocket Call is remarkable. As if be design to highlight how reckless it is to be an adulterer.
You’ll find great support here through the words of those who have braved this experience before our turn. Grateful you found HGM, K. Stay close, keep writing and turn adversity into magic.
Love yourself,
Cleo