To marry, only to divorce: that is the question: Whether ’tis nobler to wait ninety days before having sex, to suffer the pangs and angst of withholding love, in an effort to get love…
Oh, forget it. It’s mad.
And I’m no Bard.
On this day when we celebrate love, I want to take Love up in my arms and let her sob gently on my shoulder for all those times when she’s been used as a prop in a game of keep away.
A kitten sent me a video of Steve Harvey, a talk show host, comedian, actor, radio show host, author, thrice married – a true renaissance man, if you will, speaking about his book: Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. I watched the video after Mr. Viking ran, or rather limped quickly but with purpose, from my home with not his pants on fire, but his emotions. It made an impression on me, for sure. The video, that is.
And then The Ninety Day rule was used on me, not in the way Steve Harvey suggests, by Mr. Viking himself.
The gist of the clip is that women should withhold sex from a man for 90 days – The Ninety Day Rule. In those 90 days, that man will show his true colors. He cleverly equates this to the probation period a new employee goes through before being eligible for health benefits from their employer. Does that man deserve your ‘benefits’? Has he said the right things and did what he said he was going to do? Is he who he said he is? In order to truly know, require a probationary period before you send him down to human resources.
90 days up?
Well, get at it then! Heels to the sky, roll like bunnies, burst that waterbed!
While I find Steve Harvey engaging, funny and onto something, that something is a little different than what he believes it to be. Sometimes the little things cause the biggest problems.
Life is not a game. Human interactions are not to be scored, timed, put into quarters or periods. There is no victor. Ever. Each person has a reason for creating an encounter, participates in it according to their principles and agenda, and then it’s a wrap. Take away stowed. Good night, Gracie.
I promise you, there is no winner.
A woman who waits 90 days to have sex with a man, and then determines he is worthy of her ‘benefits’, is a woman who waited 90 days to have sex with a man.
She didn’t ‘get’ the man. She didn’t ‘honor’ herself. She simply waited 90 days to have sex with a man. Will they marry? Maybe. Should they? Maybe. Will they get divorced? Maybe. All those options are possible; anything is possible. And the 90 day wait to have sex with him has absolutely ZERO to do with the outcome.
Except that when carried out like Steve Harvey suggests, with the intent he implies, I would bet that 100% of the time the relationship will fail.
Love is not about playing a game. Love can’t be won. Nor can it be possessed. It can only be given.
In the photo caption for the last post I quoted something Shakespeare really did say (Sonnet 87):
Farewell! Thou art too dear for my possessing.
Shakespeare has been all over me like a man made to wait out the 90 days. I hit the elliptical the morning after Mr. Viking up and left, and PBS popped up on the TV mounted to the machine. PBS. Not ESPN. Nor HGTV. Nor The Food Network. PBS.
That does not happen.
For the next 90 minutes I watched two episodes of Shakespeare Uncovered. One featured Hamlet and the other The Tempest. Various people associated with various productions of the plays discussed the motives of Shakespeare, their motives in bringing his works to the stage or screen and the experiences they had while being involved with the productions. I was captivated before I even realized what I was watching. Once the subject became clear, I was humored.
I fell in love with Shakespeare in high school. Reading his words, in their other-world cadence with meanings buried in a language I was not taught, came easy to me. The barrier of being difficult to read didn’t exist. And then, oh! the stories, they grabbed me, came to life all around me. No richer stories exist.
I vividly recall one night sitting on the toilet reading Romeo and Juliet. (Yes, I just said that.) For an hour. I could have easily moved to my bed after 60 seconds, but I was transfixed. Or, I had set off on a journey with Shakespeare that left my body on that toilet, but took me somewhere else entirely.
I haven’t read Shakespeare in years. And (sorry, Bard) I hadn’t thought of him until just recently. The first was a fleeting thought, that I only know happened, but the meaning, forgotten. Then another. And again. A phrase would fly through my mind, or a memory that would lead me to a time when I read Hamlet or Twelfth Night. I found myself daydreaming about him. What he was like. What it would be like to sit and discuss love, betrayal, and the human thirst for emotional peace. Have him recite to me his favorite lines, and laugh as he confessed that we misinterpreted many, as he intended all along.
Before watching the PBS documentary, I played hide and seek with Shakespeare in my thoughts. After the documentary, I flipped through thin, cream colored paper with tiny text split into two columns.
The Genius came to get some books he left behind. These books aren’t on shelves but in plastic tubs where they have lived since our two moves. The tubs are in different places in the garage. He perused them for those he wanted and left.
The Genius is a neat and methodical person.
But he left one tub open, the books tumbled about, with a large, green, hard-backed tome on top, facing up. In a perturbed fashion, I grabbed the tub. I have enough to do with this move, I don’t need to put back that which you disturbed. Then my eyes settled onto the gold-stamped title:
Shakespeare
Twenty-three Plays
and the Sonnets
REVISED EDITION
Edited by
Thomas Mark Parrott
If I had a satchel in which to toss all the signs and spirits and messages and knowings felt during the last 2 weeks it would need to be a satchel big enough for all the actors who have ever uttered a word written by William, himself. It will take some time for me to get clear on why Shakespeare is so present with me right now. (By saying that, I don’t mean his spirit has decided that of all the people in the world he wants to come camp out with me, but that I seek something from him so I’ve drawn his energy to me.)
I brought the book inside to where I write. Where it was immediately buried under paperwork.
The morning after Mr. Viking left saying, I’ll call you tomorrow, he called. This time we dispensed with small talk altogether. Nora Roberts has never gotten two people to ‘I have to tell you how I feel’ faster. He fearlessly spoke of the skirmish within over his desire to throw gasoline on the ember of our encounters and the need to focus on stitching his heart back together after losing his brother, while also waiting for the gaping wound on his foot to heal enough to even get stitches. After 10 minutes of trying to articulate what his heart was feeling he said,
I have to get all of this straight before I can tell you what I need to say. Can I call you in an hour?
I’m going to head to the gym. Can I ring you when I get back?
Sure.
Maybe this is something we should discuss in person.
Maybe.
Thanks to the Bard, my workout went from one hour to two. As soon as I walked in the door, desperate for a shower, a text arrived. Mr. Viking was warming a seat for me at a local establishment, awaiting my arrival. I called him back, because my texts go by way of Nepal on the back of a yak when sent to him, to say I’d be there.
Our meeting lasted for four hours. Near the beginning, he looked into and through my eyes and said, I’m going to tell you everything.
And he did. He wanted me to know who he is, what drives him, what pains him, and what he needs to focus on now. And then the talk turned to me.
We’ve spent less than 24 hours together and I feel like I’ve known you all my life. When you spoke about my brother it really affected me. He would have died if he saw you. (Mr. Viking has a sense of humor.) He loved redheads. If he was going to pick out a girl for me, it would be you.
But I can’t do this right now.
He described how he was not ready to take on the expectations of a relationship. He had a lot of work on the horizon, especially after being sidelined by his foot injury and then blind-sided by his brother’s death. He needed to focus. Embarking on a love affair with a woman seemingly hand-picked by his recently deceased brother is only carried out effortlessly in films. In real life it can make one wear undergarments on the outside, or drive away from the gas pump without having taken the pump out of the car, or leave the stove on as you depart for a romantic weekend in Big Sur.
Not the stuff of focus.
I want to do this right. I need three months. Maybe two and a half…three.
I don’t know how he interpreted my smile, but I was grinning for Steve Harvey. He nailed it. (To the kitten who sent me the video, Thank you!)
Three months. 90 days.
We spoke openly and honestly about courting, relationships, needs. We told stories. Naturally, eyebrow raising connections linked so much of our lives, even as children, although separated by 10 years in age. I told him about the transformation I’ve undergone since the Pocket Call. How this magical journey has lead me to redefine what is important to me in life. In some cases that new definition could be called obscure or unconventional, unique, or just weird. How traditional relationships and their patterns felt foreign to me. Not part of how I am to live out the balance of my days here. By the nature of living fully present in the moment, I am focusing on what’s happening right in front of me rather than developing expectations for what is to come. How both our needs would be met with his request for time.
Instead of one of us playing keep away with whatever is deemed our most valuable asset in order to manipulate the outcome of a courtship insure that it would be given into the right hands, Mr. Viking put the brakes on so he could tend to his needs, one of which was to care for his own emotional well-being, solo.
His 90 Day intent is pure, whereas withholding something in order to entice is not. I should clarify that Steve Harvey did not suggest that withholding sex is a way to ‘get’ a man. He did focus on the need for women to give themselves 90 days to get to know a man. But the message was cloaked in jerseys, and helmets and pads – game playing attire. He hilariously describes why women are like air to men – the first four reasons having to do with our bodies. The connection wasn’t subtle.
Instead of starting off deceiving, doing what it takes to “…win in love…when playing the ‘dating game'” ( quote from the intro to Steve Harvey’s book, Straight Talk, No Chaser – How to Find, Keep and Understand a Man), Mr. Viking spoke honestly about his needs.
So simple.
My need to allow friendships to develop and not be stunted by explosive romantic encounters (I’m by no means using that as a euphemism for sex – explosive romantic encounters can involve zero touching.) clicks perfectly with Mr. Viking’s needs. By each of us tending to our needs first, we naturally set in motion a way of discovering our compatibility. By not focusing on a victorious outcome, Nature takes its course.
Instead of playing keep away, we are taking a line from The Poet himself,
Thou art too dear for my possessing.
Today and always,
Love yourself,
Cleo
Amazing ! Hats off to Mr. Viking !! This is what I was talking about…no need for games if both of you are true to yourself and don’t wait for the other to fix you.
And you, my Piscean friend have to promise me that you won’t put your life in hold weaving for years like Peneloppe waiting for Ulysses, OK?
The Universe is waiting….
S,
Oh, there’s no putting this life on hold. Life waits for no one, and I can’t bear to let it live on without me. I’m fully present. For me, the dudes and the kittens. I cherish every encounter, grateful for the opportunity to ponder what spills forth. I can neither wait nor give over. I am right here, right now, living the life that I am responsible for living.
The Are you married question is an easy one to answer. The Are you single one is way more complex.
…I’m dating myself…I’m in a committed relationship – with me!…Single?…How do you define single?
Love yourself,
Cleo
I like Mr. Viking. He seems …solid. I think it’s a real sign that someone’s got their s…tuff together – when they are self-aware enough to realize they need to get their s…tuff together, know what I mean? Cheering you on from my treadmill. Go C!
N,
I’m over here, on the elliptical! Yoo-hoo!
You raise a very interesting idea to ponder. When someone doesn’t have their s…tuff together should others walk on by? Run for the hills? Or lend a hand? And, if accepted, be there for support as they make their way?
Who helps the wounded?
I’m so proud of you, N.
Love yourself,
Cleo
C,
For me it’s not about having his s…tuff togther or not. (After all, who has all their s…tuff together all the time??). Rather, for me it’s the level of awareness he demonstrated in sharing his current state of mind with you.
I’ll take someone broken but self-aware over someone seemingly together and totally lacking self-awareness. The former is someone who is working to get better; the latter is just an ass-hat. And really, who needs an ass-hat in their life?
My fingers are crossed that he is able to either work through his s…tuff and/or to want a partner to share that journey with him. (And fret not, by partner I don’t mean anything heavy…)
Hey C – I’ll be in SF Mar 1st for a business thing. I may make a weekend of it. If so, I’m calling dibs on a drink date with you. Or a hike maybe.
Hoping the moving fairies, with their magic pixie dust, have made the move simple and painless – and that you’re all settled into your idealic cottage.
…N
N,
The cottage awaits our arrival this weekend. With so much to do, I’ve barely pondered what it will be like to live there. Life makes it easy to live in the moment. I haven’t stirred the joy that I know exists inside me for this change. I’m task focused right now. Thank you for reminding me to see the joy in the tasks.
Broken but self-aware versus together but unconscious. Self-aware and believing one can’t change versus forever trying to mend. I am partial to the broken but self-aware that are on a nurturing quest to morph.
Actually, and this is something for which I am very grateful, I am partial to them all. On the elliptical, of all places, I discovered that I am capable of compassionate and unconditional love for all. It’s become a priority for me to nurture that ability.
The dudes and I would love to see you while you are visiting SF. Some playtime on Limantour looking for whales? Then adult beverages on the patio? You know how to find me, m’lady. You’ve done so remarkably well in the past!
You rock, N. In the most special way.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, I haven’t seen the video, but I would ask – what is the intended outcome? People will stay together because they are interested in the whole package – it isn’t really important when the sex occurs. I was single for a long time, and usually tended to feel comfortable with a person after a certain number of encounters, which number was different for each person. The number of hours spent, the intimacy of the discussion, and lots of other things came into play. Matter of fact, the length and intimacy of the relationship had no connection with how soon we had sex. 30 days is a long time to wait, if you are speaking to, and becoming intimately acquainted with a person, most of those days. Again, when we had sex didn’t make any difference in the long-term outcome.
Love yourself the most.
Claire
C,
I asked that same question. Which led me to ponder the goals we have when we meet someone with whom we connect on all levels.
As each day passes, and I focus deeply on loving myself, living in the moment and honoring the boundaries I have set for myself, the idea of the traditional long term relationship is as comfortable to me as laying in a dark cave populated by Trogloraptors (A cave-dwelling spider with talon-like claws, which hangs upside down from strands of spider silk, legs dangling in the air. It is big – the size of a half-dollar – and it uses its long claws to snap and pin down its prey. Hence its name, which means “cave robber.”)
Not happening.
Open, honest communication, tending to my needs and maintaining my boundaries seems like a much nicer way to live. Thanks for being here, C.
Cleo
As always Cleo, it’s like you know what I needed to hear the day I needed to hear it. Still struggling here. Your posts are like a lifeline to me. To know I’m not alone. Other kittens posting their comments and observations help, too.
Mr. Viking sounds like just the kind of man you should have in your life right now, since you’ve been saying you’d like to have one around on occassion. You’re both on a journey of self-reflection and neither of you are going to be too needy. I hope you both can do what you need to do for yourselves and still be able to connect with each other, when you’re ready.
C,
You are not alone, ever. And we are here to remind you of that as you need it.
“You’re both on a journey of self-reflection and neither of you are going to be too needy.” Perfectly put. I spent an hour trying to say this very thing to my Mom last night. My boundaries are set in poured concrete. I am responsible for me and the dudes. Staying centered and firmly planted in the moment is starting to feel very natural. I am so grateful for that.
Thank you, C. For being here and for caring so much. You know that what ever you need, we are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Honest. Simple. Beautiful.
C,
Truly. Only thing missing is a tackle box.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo:
I’ll have more to say on this and several other posts later. I so love all of them!
Today I just wanted to wish you peace and acceptance as you leave the house you moved to California for, and as you settle in the cottage you were destined to have now. The door is closing on all that does not serve you. This new journey is turning into a beautiful thing, isn’t it? The Universe adores you and it is your oyster.
I am there with you~
M,
Thank you so much for your love and support. Magic abounds. Not the least of which was watching the meteor streak west across our Bay Area sky on Friday night as I prepared for the garage sale, leaving in her wake silver drops of silver love. She reminded me that we are in outer space. Instead of feeling small, a little dot in a sea of Universe, I felt infinite.
I am so grateful you are here. You add such a beautiful glow to HGM.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
I am so glad. The trust and respect he has shown towards you, is the stuff to build a long lasting relationship on. Something similar happened between my spouse and I fifteen years ago, when we first met. Not as dramatic, but that mutual trust, respect and honesty that we started with, has pulled us through many stuff that life has thrown our way and kept our relationship strong.
Many hugs for you,
SL
S,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Trust, respect and honesty – cornerstones of any healthy relationship, be it friends or lovers. I am grateful that Mr. Viking felt comfortable enough to be straight with me, and I’m glad he is in my life. But, given the Universe needs balance, I am also acutely aware of the absence of a long term relationship in my future. This is not something I’m mourning. I am delighted to just be here! If I’m to do it alone (we are never reallyalone), I will be content, fulfilled and focused on that which brings me the most joy – my dudes and helping those who have been betrayed to love themselves again.
Nothing could make me happier. So grateful you are here, S.
Love yourself,
Cleo
This post could have been written by me. A year and half ago, after a hiatus from “dating” following the collapse of a long term relationship, and another foray into a relationship that was wrong from the beginning (but I had wondered if a different paradigm would work, no….) I found someone who made me laugh again, who I felt comfortable with, who I could easily have long intimate conversations with. He was just divorced and working through the issues associated with that. I admired him for recognizing his need to get things in order before entering into another relationship. We remained platonic, and long distance friends, seeing each other every month or so. Over the past months, I could tell he was more distant….and the answer became clear when my best friend ran into him and a woman out together (awkward for all of them). So, I called him to have him tell me that he had met a “special woman” three months ago, and had put off telling me, knowing that I cared for him. So, while very disappointed, I wished him well. I had not put my life on hold waiting for him, but a part of me, had really hoped after over a year of rather intimate conversation and sharing, he would want to take our relationship to another level. Sometimes it is hard to stay in the moment….
P,
What you’ve experienced is to be treasured. Consider it the lab portion of chemistry class, or life school. Those labs are so important to prepare you for the very next step. And each and every moment of every day is a next step on your journey. Your unique, perfectly crafted, beautifully structured journey.
“…a part of me, had really hoped after over a year of rather intimate conversation and sharing, he would want to take our relationship to another level”. This sentence holds some answers for you. Some in the conversations you had and some in the intimate sharing that took place, and some in the way you wrote the sentence. I also found it fascinating that he put off telling you about the other woman because you cared for him. That’s not all that different from what The Genius tried to sell me: You had just had a baby. I didn’t want to hurt you.
Those who care and love purely are compelled to be upfront and honest out of respect for the other person. Thankfully, you did not alter your path to suit his, but he ought to have told you straight away.
Your words move me to remind us all of the power of encounters. They are rich with opportunity to learn, love, LIVE…and then sometimes without warning they end. But never prematurely so. With strong boundaries and self-love, we can all wave farewell with gratitude.
Thank you for sharing this with us, P. Your words have helped to remind me of the importance of staying centered and open, and able to communicate boundaries and needs with ease. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
P,
Kudos for taking a situation that most people would have taken personally (and not in a good way), and instead seeing it as an advanced lesson in how to stay in the moment. To me your words are a wonderful example of how to gracefully accept unexpected disappointments. What an inspiration!
My post isn’t related to what you’ve shared here, but rather some questions I have. Do you post all the comments you receive (with the exception of people like TG or HDC)? How much traffic is your site getting in terms of unique viewers? Are your plans for a book proceeding? I am a regular reader here and have been wondering. Wishing you all the best.
M,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your interest! I do post all the comments I receive. I doubt the HDC knows of the site. And I have posted TG’s comment, but left one un-posted because kittens didn’t want his words here. HGM receives about 10K UV per week. I have no idea what that means. I’m too busy writing! Yes, the book is in process. January and February have been so busy with selling the house and moving that I have had to focus on the blog alone in an effort to not under-deliver on all fronts. I appreciate everyone’s patience. And I appreciate the time and effort that two amazing women put forth while editing my words. They rock. More on the book to come soon. After the move.
Thank you for being here, M!
Love yourself,
Cleo
I don’t express myself well and I certainly don’t write as eloquently as you and so many others do. However I simply wanted to say, thank you! Your words have literally saved my life.
F,
You expressed yourself perfectly. Succinctly. And simply, which is always beautiful. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I am grateful you found HGM, and that our words have helped you. Your life is a gift. I don’t know your tale, but perhaps you put that gift away for awhile. Go dig it out, rip off that bow and paper and take a look. Let her back in, let her out, let her breathe.
If you ever need me, get in touch. Stay close and know that you are worthy of love. Everyone at HGM is here to support you.
Magic starts with two words:
Love yourself,
Cleo