Exactly two weeks ago today, to the minute, I sat at my husband’s desk and stared at his laptop. With shaking hands, a focused mind and a terrified heart, I opened the Skype application. Channeling a woman-scorned-turned-hacker (I can barely spell technology so this is my version of hacking.) I typed in the search box the word LOVE.
Three names appeared. His mother’s, mine and her’s. I copied her name and pasted it into his Entourage and up came a single email dated one week prior. It’s title a question about his whereabouts. Before I even saw the words contained within my heart collapsed. It didn’t break, it didn’t ache, it just crashed and burned. I watched it go down in flames.
And then I read the words…(To prevent any need to spend time on defending my right to write my way through betrayal and divorce I have taken out the exact quotes from this private email. What I can tell you is that it’s not unlike those uncovered throughout time by spouses being betrayed. All fantasy lovey sexy. Yet underpinned by lies, deceit, ego, and hopes for happy ever after when there’s nothing happy about shoving your family off a cliff and living a lie. Oh, and there was a mention of a happy dance. If you want to know the exact words meet me for a glass of wine. I’m happy to share.)
I copied the email and sent it to my self. The self that was reeling. My every move seemed to be sped up. My mind was trailing my body. Before I closed his laptop I went into her contact folder, found her phone number and called her.
“Hello!?”
“Hi. This is ‘Cleo Everest’. You’ve been screwing my husband.”
Silence. I could feel her nausea in my own stomach. She hung up.
I closed his laptop and went to my own, retrieving the email. My last hacker-esque move was to locate her profile on my husband’s Facebook page. (Note to cheaters: Probably not such a great idea to friend the fling.) In typical mid-40’s Facebook user fashion she had not protected anything. I linked to her husband’s profile and clicked Message.
“Hi. If this is your wife’s email and cell phone number she has been screwing my husband as evidenced by this delightful exchange between them, which I have just found on my husband’s laptop.” I pasted the email and hit send. Sorry, but I thought you ought to know.
Then I sent her an email: “I don’t think you will be doing your happy dance tonight.”
I sat back, drained. Every emotion I have ever known exploded in my body, shattering all the old rules, the beliefs I had constructed, burning down every wall I had ever built. I knew for certain that my life had changed completely. In every single sense. I didn’t know if it was for better or for worse. But I knew it would never be the same.
WOW! What an interesting new blog you have started! Looking forward to reading more about your journey beyond…
cleo – November 23, 2011
Thanks for commenting. Everything around me is interesting right now. While I would appreciate a moratorium on heart ache, I’m thankful that I’m not unconsciously floating through life. Cleo
Daisy Brady – April 26, 2012
Hi Cleo,
)
Thank you for sharing a very painful & personal story. I am new to this blog. I too, experienced this type of ‘apocalypse’, only my ex decided to fall into the arms of his lover, when our daughter was a mere three weeks old. My daughter is almost fifteen, so we have come through many issues, many tears, sometimes laughter, after all, he did help bring a really wonderful kid into this crazy world!
BTW: the ex did marry his lover, however, he ended up cheating on her….as I say, ‘what he does with you, he will do (to) you.
Hang in there, can’t wait to read more……
Daisy
cleo – April 26, 2102
D,
You eventually laughed together? I can’t imagine getting to that point. It’s selfish, really. I don’t want him to see me laugh. I don’t want him to be able to experience anything that resembles our former relationship. But I am grateful that we created our boys. And I appreciate how involved he is as a father. Other than that, he makes me wretch. Just being honest.
“What he does with you, he will do (to) you.” How is it that such a logical point escapes most people engaging in an adulterous affair? That’s a post unto itself.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your kind words.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Daisy – July 19, 2012
Hi Cleo,
It’s been sometime since we have connected. I intended to read your blog profusely, however, life, children,On/Off again BF, whom is my soul-mate/nemesis & reinvention of my career after 23+ years & still in process, (all of the above!). So, I am really checking in on you; your boys, your processes, your happiness, your issues:) honestly, you are years, no decades, farther down the road then I, when going through my apocalypse of my ‘X’. Gosh, now, life has changed with ‘him’. X lives in a different country, doesn’t pay child support, divorced from the ‘Other Woman’, ( in which I never, ever, thought I would feel sad because O.W worked so hard in my daughter’s life to be the ‘Best Step-Mother Ever’. Now that the apocalypse hit ‘Other Woman’ in which, now, she was ‘cheated’ on by my X, has decidedly completely dumped my daughter. When your child asks, ‘Did O.W ever really love me?’ I hold my child & letting her know how loved she is by me, by many folks. It’s ‘O.W’ issues of insecurity & really, once again, pure selfishness. And to think, after it took eight years to meet ‘O.W’, then to allow this person in our life ( to show my child that I can be bigger than the situation). Well, all I can say is, life moves on, with or without you. Again, I refer back to be grateful that the ‘X’ & I produced a wonderful, sweet, smart, funny girl that I am blessed to be ‘Full Time Mommy’:)
cleo – July 25, 2012
D,
Thank you so much for checking in on me and for taking the time to comment!
I had a challenging encounter with someone recently and was reminded of something that might help your daughter when the time is right. When a difficult situation with someone arises it’s helpful for me to remember that their lesson and my lesson are not linked. Their need for the exchange and my need for the exchange come from 2 different places. We all play roles in each others lives for the benefit of the individual. If two people have an argument, each is on a completely different path with different needs and the argument will bring up a different lesson for both parties. In essence, this theory requires me to take responsibility for and understand why I create a situation, and highlights the important notion that our journey here is a solo one, but with the benefit of encounters.
Does that make sense? Man, sometimes I wish I could record some of my responses.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Sister Meliss – November 29, 2011
There is something about being ripped apart which puts you Fully Present in the Moment!
FPM
cleo – November 29, 2011
Thank you for taking the time to write. It may seem shocking to some to say that His Giant Mistake has given me a gift, but living fully present in the moment is a gift. And a key to being able to continue to be loving with my children, tend to my daily responsibilities and – get this – actually enjoy life even though my heart is aching so. Cleo
Jackie – April 7, 2012
Your gift for writing is astounding! I am old fashioned and reading on the screen starts to wear on me, so my attention to the latter posts began to wane. I can’t wait for you to take this to book form! You are hilarious at times!
Poor Genius.
cleo – April 9, 2012
J,
Thanks to my ‘gift’ I now wear glasses. I just imagine they make me look hot. Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m more of a book kind of girl as well. Maybe one day we’ll be kicking it on chaise lounges next to each other reading our copy of His Giant Mistake. Till then…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Dee – April 7, 2012
It’s one thing to hurt and be angry but why tell the husband? He didn’t do anything to you. Just make you look like a bitter person.
cleo – April 7, 2012
D,
I appreciate the question. That whole scene evolved over about 20 minutes. So I took the time to reflect after reading your comment. It was not bitterness that had me send an email to the Happy Dance Chick’s husband. I felt he needed to know. Could you imagine not knowing ever? Or finding out when you’re 80 that your whole relationship was a lie? Honestly, D, I checked in to my heart and it felt absolutely right to tell him. The Genius and The Happy Dance Chick had ZERO intention of ever letting us know about their relationship. They were completely comfortable betraying us for the duration. I can’t imagine that The Happy Dance Chick’s husband would have wanted it to play out that way.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Jenny – April 15, 2012
I’m for truth-telling. I think you owe it to people to warn them, at minimum for the sake of their health. Being lied to long-term flat-out makes people crazy, and that can be whether they find out or not.
The idea that there’s some special dignity in keep silent, slinking away, or putting up with betrayal? I think only serves the cheater, who then controls the situation. I also think calling a woman bitter or scorned is sexist.
I’ve let a woman know the person I was dating was also dating them. I have no idea what happened after that, but I know the liar was pretty upset, accused me of hurting her! Ridiculous.
The truth is a painful thing to learn, but adults should make informed choices. If you use truth-telling as a strategy to keep someone by breaking other people up, everyone loses.
Anyone I know who’s been through this would have liked to know what was really going on, even if they ended up staying with the person who cheated.
J,
cleo – April 16, 2012
Truer words were never spoken. I’m all for honesty. Even if it hurts to hear it, or if it hurts to speak it. Thank you for taking the time to comment. It’s so helpful to get wisdom, guidance and opinions from far and wide.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Julia – April 18, 2012
I agree. It’s not the best way to find out, but the spouses already made the mess. You just took a step to help clean it up. Who cares how the husband found out? The truth is the truth, from the horse’s mouth or not. Now he can begin to heal. Since you are in his same position, coming from you it’s appropriate. You were HIS pocket-dial.
Cleo – April 20, 2012
J,
It was an intuitive move, for sure. It felt right. I have no regrets. And I trust I’ll never have to do that again!
Love yourself,
Cleo
Mari – April 19, 2012
I agree with you Cleo. If my husband were cheating I would want to know. A marriage with lies is not a marriage. Or at least not the marriage I signed up for. You did Happy Dance’s husband a huge service.
cleo – April 19, 2012
M,
I can’t imagine not telling him. From what I understand, they are getting a divorce. I know nothing about him or their relationship. Actually, I know nothing about the Happy Dance Chick that I haven’t already written about. Because I don’t care about her. I’m grateful that, for whatever reason, my mind doesn’t gravitate to thoughts of her or thoughts of them together and I was never interested in knowing any details of their affair.
Love yourself,
Cleo
cath m – July 11, 2012
I agree with you. Two years ago I received a phone call from a man I had never met before. He had been in your situation….found out that his wife had been having an affair….with MY husband. After confronting his wife, he called me. I had no clue. It was the beginning of my own “HIS GIANT MISTAKE” story. I’m not a blogger but my bedside diary mirrors your story. Thank you for your courage, and optimism. I too cooperate with custody, and even smile with my ex husband. I have bitter, tearful moments….then I write or walk or drink tea and I find myself again. Thank you! Thank you!
cleo – July 12, 2012
C,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and share your tale. I would want that call. Well, no one wants the call…but I wouldn’t want to be the one who doesn’t know.
It seems as if you share my eternal optimism. It’s a beautiful state that I nurture daily and one for which I am eternally grateful. So glad you are here…
Love yourself,
Cleo
SeeFM – April 7, 2012
Cleo’s telling the husband doesn’t make her look like a bitter person, it makes her human. I would have told him too.
S,
cleo – April 7, 2012
I just felt he needed to know. I know that I would want to know. I would have wanted someone to tell me so I could regain the right to live a life in truth. Thank you for weighing in, S.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Been there, felt that – April 7, 2012
A friend just sent me a link to your blog. I know what you are going through. It’s been more than two years since I turned sleuth and discovered my husband’s affair with my (former) best friend. They were also my business partners. I caught the cheaters on video and spent countless hours going through email chats. For a while I’d torture myself by reading the messages. Seriously, I thought I would die of a heart attack.
I divorced him, and am slowly, slowly, healing and carrying on a new life without him. I think you did absolutely the right thing to tell Happy Dancer’s husband. Absolutely! I wish someone had told me sooner. I wish you healing and peace and true love – worthy of yours. Thank you for writing this. (I own a website and actually considered writing an article about how to uncover a cheating spouse … decided against it.)
cleo – April 13, 2012
B,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read HGM and comment. That early part of discovering an affair is such a madcap experience. Wanting to know what happened, not wanting to know. Looking for proof, not wanting to find it. I am grateful to have survived those early days. Goodness, to be betrayed by your husband and best friend? WTF? Wow.
While it would be fun to fantasize about tying her to a chair and going all Sopranos on her, I am reminded that we create our reality. What was she there to teach you? Us?
I only read one email between The Genius and The Happy Dance Chick. One was enough. One was all he left behind. It only took one. I hope you are in a peaceful space now, taking that beautiful smile of yours out to the world.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Marsha – June 20, 2012
I discovered this blog last night. I mirror you in situations, words and actions, and almost timeline. It is crazy insanely similar.
I looked on his computer one time in 23 years, and found 1 email string. That too was all I needed. I copied it to my own computer. I sent it to my Mr Integrity. I sent it to the GF. I couldn’t find the husband or I would have sent it to him. I was DONE, physically, mentally that night. It was OVER. In an instant. And then I starting thinking fresh. Clear. Happy.
Love you Cleo and we’ve never met. Maybe one day we will. I am in Nor Cal too. Life sometimes gives you unexpected gifts. This is one of them. Blessings. I am a follower here now. In joy.
cleo – June 20, 2012
M,
I’m so glad you found us here at HGM. You’re a gift to me, too. It is freeing to break from unseen ties that bind us and keep us from living a joyful life. Did you, like me, reflect back on the time during which our husbands’ affairs were in full swing and see how, even though we did not know what was happening, we knew? We felt the sadness? The burning sensation that something was terribly amiss?
It feels so great to be free of the darkness that was created around us. I’m happy that you discovered what was going on and that you found relief.
Maybe one day, as you walk Limantour beach, you’ll see a redhead who is powering through the sand with a smile. That will be me. In the meantime, stay close and…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Marsha – June 20, 2012
Oh, yes, I have since reflected on that burning sensation that something was terribly amiss, but attributed it to something else, stress, our inane goals at the time. Not betrayal, because we too talked if loss of love wpi;d ever occur in times past. (Just tell me you ever get to a point where you want out… Be an adult. He would always honor me because that was MY CODE) So this reflection is a tough one, especially tonight. But I wouldn’t trade not knowing again for a second.
My relief is still tinged with sadness, but the truth has set me free. You really have no idea of the strange similarities as I continue to read your posts. It’s just the place we are both in, and we are both strong internally. Mike Dooley often speaks just to me too-LOL. The Universe provides. Thank you Cleo. Sending you love as I follow your journey.
cleo – June 22, 2012
M,
“My relief is still tinged with sadness, but the truth has set me free.” Yes. I feel the same way. Sadness because honesty is what I expected and deceit is what I got. Free because I am free to live my life in an honest, morally grounded fashion. I am grateful to know that I can set a good example for the boys and rely upon myself to be true. I know you feel the same way.
Thank you for being here, M. Knowing that you walk with me on my journey means the world to me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Lin – July 18, 2012
Hi, I just discovered yesterday that my husband of 21/2 years is cheating, I feel so alone I don’t know what to do! I have still not confronted him, I saw an email from a woman asking him not to MSG her on her phone. I want to find out more but don’t know how?
cleo – July 18, 2012
L,
I am so glad you found us here at HGM. Many of those who comment have the most brilliant wisdom to share for people like you and me. You are NOT alone. I don’t want to predict what he may say if you decide to approach him, but I can say that the majority of those who have engaged in adulterous affairs deny, deny, deny. Even if you catch them both in bed together they will figure out a way to talk themselves out of it. So, maybe it’s not even the right move to confront…it didn’t work for me until I had concrete evidence.
One possible solution is to patiently wait to uncover that evidence. The other is to check in with your intuition. Your Observer Self. We often know before we know.
So that addresses what to do about finding out more information. But what I most want to address is how to care for yourself right now. Take the time to center yourself. Take it one minute at a time. Please take the time to read through my early posts so you can get an idea of how to manage the emotions that are possibly going to rise up and attempt to take you over. My way is only one way. Other kittens here have amazing wisdom to share. I trust they will.
Stay close, L.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Conrad – April 9, 2012
You did the right thing for sending the email to the husband because he now knows that he needs to get tested. STD is serious and you may have save her husband’s life.
cleo – April 10, 2012
C,
The Genius was offended when I asked him to get tested. He still hasn’t. I have. He’s delirious.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Karen – April 9, 2012
“Cleo”
God Bless you!! and wow, I love your blog, I too was a woman scorned, who found out quite by mistake, just going to “surprise” him on a night out. Turns out the surprise was on me! He too was a “genius” and used to meet “the other” woman, out our local restaurant!!! We finally divorced, I have no idea how many other women there were, but honestly, I could care less. It took years, but I was finally “ready” and I found a wonderful man, who finally won my trust. I hope that one day you will trust again, it took me a long time, but I did find my soulmate. My children have grown up to be wonderful adults, into whom I have tried my best to instill the moral character for honesty, and fidelity!!!!
Good Luck to you and I look forward to “the book”
Karen
cleo – April 10, 2012
K,
Thank you so much for your kind words of support. I truly hope I can trust again, too. And that I can understand myself well enough to know when a risk is one worth taking.
But the single greatest accomplishment I can dare to dream of would be the ability to teach our boys that solid morals, integrity and living one’s truth are the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves and to those we hold dear to our hearts.
If I never am loved again but achieve that I will die a fulfilled woman.
Love yourself,
Cleo
SARAH – April 10, 2012
I really feel like finding your blog was supposed to happen tonight. I recently discovered that my husband was having an affair with a coworker, and have had the hardest time dealing with things lately. It’s been almost two months since I found out and I’m still absolutely heartbroken and angry and sickened. I’m so repulsed by his actions that I don’t know how to function lately. Needless to say, we’re divorcing, and it’s killing me a little…seeing him moving on so quickly is absolutely excruciating. Thank you for writing this blog… it makes me feel less alone.
cleo – April 10, 2012
S,
You are not alone, but that doesn’t make the betrayal any less damaging. I understand your repulsion. And the excruciating pain that results from being kicked so very hard. I absolutely CANNOT BELIEVE it has been 8 months since the Pocket Call. 8 weeks seems more like it. We will be raw together for a very long time.
I truly believe that the betrayal you and I are dealing with is a gift. Go with me on this one. Look at it that way. You’ve been freed. It will feel as scary as being dropped into a dark cave where you can only here the arachnids, not see them. So just make peace with them and they’ll carry you out into the light. I bet you see in front of you the most beautiful sight – the one that is perfect for you alone to see. I can’t wait to find out what it is.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write. We all need to know we are not alone.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Smiling in agreement – April 13, 2012
My ex husband had accused me of affairs for the last year of our marriage, 4 months after I asked him to move out – he moved in with her. 3 years later, she refuses to meet me. I guess it would shatter her vision of what I am – that I really was a woman just like her and she’s a home wrecker.
cleo – April 13, 2012
S,
Smiling with you. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for reading HGM.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Smiling in agreement – April 14, 2012
I was up until almost 1AM reading entry after entry. Your commentary is pithy, I was in stitches a couple of times. I love how you distill fairly complex concepts into amusing anecdotes. I do much the same, I took a couple of your paragraphs and copied them into a note to myself. Specifically around divorce and why people do it. His comment, and your inner monologue.
You get it, I like you approach to the journey.
cleo – April 15, 2012
S,
Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to read HGM. Let’s continue on this journey together. It’s so much more fun when the trail is crowded, even if I must stay on my own path.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Nicole – April 18, 2012
I have been EXACTLY where you are and I have 3 boys who were 6, 9 and 11 when he left me for his version of “The Happy Dance”. 3 1/2 years later, they are engaged but I am in a MUCH better place! Believe it or not, it doesn’t even bother me anymore that he’s still with her–that’s his loss and his problem, not mine. It was NOT an easy journey and the fact that she is total trash and not nice to my kids has made it 10000 times harder than it probably needed to be. But I’m telling you this to let you know that there will come a day where you can forgive him and be at peace. It didn’t happen overnight and there are still days that I’m angry that I don’t have “an intact family” but I now realize him leaving was a blessing because he showed his true colors and I would have probably never had the balls to leave him because of the kids.
You’ll be fine—actually better than fine—but that can be hard to realize when you’re drowning in it. Just trust me!
cleo – April 23, 2012
N,
Yes, the real sadness comes from not having the “intact family” I always thought I would have. Today I had such a beautiful day with my boys, sharing freely our love for each other. I can feel secure in the fact that their love for me as their Mom will never be shared with anyone else. They are such GIFTS! From there I can only be grateful and choose to live each day with joy.
I trust you, N. I really do.
Love yourself,
Cleo
mary – April 29, 2012
hi Cleo,
I just bumped into your blog. I’m in awe. I had to go back to the beginning & wonder why I didn’t find this back in November of 2011 when you first published it. I found my husband at the beach with his kind female coworker exactly a month before you looked through your husbands laptop. Our first baby girl was just 6 months at the time. It has been a tough journey. He easily moved on to have a life with this girl & went back home to his mom as well. I am inspired to read your blogs & see your strength & desire to move past hisgiantmistake! I could not agree more! I’m trying to start blogging myself since I’ve seen it truly helps in the moving on & finding yourself process after a huge betrayal like infidelity! Thank you! Can’t wait to read what’s to come!! xoxo
cleo – April 30, 2012
M,
So glad you found us here at HGM. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I am having a hard time imagining what it must have been like to find him there, on that beach. The anger I would feel is too strong to look at.
Writing has been the greatest gift I have received since The Pocket Call. Being able to come here to work through my pain and fears and celebrate my triumphs has sped up this process of grieving and learning. And to have the genuine support of so many people who have never met me (but know me better than many who have) is nothing short of mind-blowing.
I can’t wait to read your first post!
Love yourself,
Cleo
cleo – May 7, 2012
M,
For someone who has had to shoulder such pain you feel so grounded to me. While we both know how hard it is to resurface after being in a marriage that is not supportive and is filled with lies and reckless betrayal, we also know that we are better off on our own. Finding our way, and taking care of ourselves.
Having experienced such utter sadness I can only imagine that an equal amount of joy is there for the taking, the experiencing. Right? We balance here, in our dual world, by living through pain to experience joy. Without knowing sorrow we can’t fully appreciate happiness.
I’ll never fully understand (maybe by choice?) why people would choose to hurt the ones they love when it’s completely avoidable. It’s just not in my DNA to inflict pain. Yes, there’s all sorts of excuses (I wasn’t thinking, I couldn’t control myself, or my personal favorite, you created in me a void that allowed me to let someone else in.) but in the end it comes down to the fact that a choice was made to betray another person in such a deeply hurtful way. How sad that someone would be okay with that.
It’s what makes it so easy for me to walk away from The Genius. I don’t want a person like that as part of my inner circle. I’m startgin to become really choosey about who gets in and who gets turned away. It’s an empowering experience.
Thank you for taking the time to share so openly and honestly your story with me, with us. Stay close…we’ll get through this together and we’ll do it in a most beautiful, thought-provoking, shimmery way.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Mom of 2 blessings – May 24, 2012
I am going thru this right now. My husband told another woman he loves her and she him. The girl friended me on FB. We have a 6 and half year old little girl and a newborn baby. I know how to get in contact with the husband. Still debating whether to or not. I went back to work from mat lv the day after mothers day and that day my husband and her are on the ph in love…..my husband is unemployed. we are going to try and work it out, but do you think i should tell him? they live in another state and it was online affair but my husband actualy was trying to find jobs an hr and a half from her and said he would get a cheap apt so that he could afford to send money back home. when i found out on weds may 16, 2012 about the affiar he actually told me he wondered how he would support her, her son and his 2 kids….his 2 kids were last in the statement.
I am in so much pain, hate, anger, rage you name it.
cleo – May 28, 2012
M,
Apologies for the delay in replying to your post. Oh, the perils of online affairs. There is nothing real about them. Yet they can be so very real as they destroy a marriage.
I don’t have an answer for you as to whether or not you should tell her husband. But I can tell you how to find the answer. Sit still and quietly. And close down the mind. And see how you feel. If you feel an urge to tell him make certain you really look a the motivation. When I chose to tell The Happy Dance Chick’s husband it was driven by the length of the affair and the fact that neither she nor The Genius had any plans to come clean. For four years they toyed with our lives. Four years. I felt he deserved to know that.
It’s an answer that can only come from within you. Keep peeling back the layers, M. I feel there’s lots to uncover in your relationship with your husband. Aim to not complicate things and aim to get to the heart of the matter. How is your heart?
Stay close…big epiphanies happen here at HGM.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Mom of 2 blessings – May 30, 2012
Actually I think my “husband” and her were making plans to live together and start a new life. We live in MS and Atlanta is about 6 hrs away. She lives about an hour outside of Atl. My “husband” is unemployed and has been applying for jobs in Atlanta and said he’d get an apt there and just send us money back home. Yeah right in 10yrs of marriage I have never had access to his cking acct. He has neglected me as well. He makes/made way more money than me. I basically work for the health insurance for the family. I would tell him that I had $5 or so in my cking acct, it’s still a day or 2 away from pay day I have no gas in my car yet he would not give me money. He would just say don’t put it on the credit card. That same day he’d go spend hundreds if not thousands on whatever “toy” he wanted at the time and flaunt it in my face. He has also said that he felt he needed to move away from here and us. What kind of “man” says that to his wife who just had a baby? I did actually call the husband. He says this is the 3rd time she has done this. However, today when I talked to him b/c at that point I said I was not willing to provide copies of the chat that I was able to get and phone records he acted like he couldn’t believe me. My atty has said that it’s ok to go ahead and get those to him b/c I have no obligation to protect her. My “husband” and her have been trying to meet for a while. I think at the end of 2010 they were going to Orange Beach, Al and I found an old msg where they were trying to meet. Then vac last yr we went to Chattanooga and they were trying to meet. Often “husband” would go off by himself. I was pg and sick at the time. My “husband” thinks she is beautiful, attractive, perfect. He’s told her she looks great to have had a baby a YEAR AGO. Her son is almost exactly to the day a yr older than our son. He’s yet to tell me how great I look since having a baby. I am not fat but I am not skinny either. The last day I was in hospital with our 2nd baby he told me that “This time I was going to have to lose weight”. That is not something you tell your wife who just went thru childbirth and a csection.
cleo – May 31, 2012
M,
I’m hopeful that you will move through this creation with grace. You deserve it. Take time to nurture yourself and your children. You will be so proud of yourself when this chapter comes to an end.
Above all,
Love yourself,
Cleo
Stephanie – May 31, 2012
Dear M,
I would encourage you to let her husband know. The husband of the woman my husband cheated with was the one who told me about the affair and I will be forever grateful to him. Infidelity can only exist in a vacuum, and bringing it out into the light of day for ALL concerned takes away the secrecy. I’m so sorry for your pain and anger – the anger is sort of a motivator, an energy. The pain can tear you down. Do not accept this treatment. Make demands for you and your children. If you and your husband work it out, you’ll be thankful you stood your ground.
cleo – May 31, 2012
S,
Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom with M. Beautifully said, m’lady.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Marco – June 8, 2012
Although it might make for good reading, the way you exposed the affair to the other woman’s husband was crude and quite spiteful. I really do not think it was appropriate. I know you are probably angry but that most likely did not help things.
Marco, you sound fearful that you could be exposed in such a way. Why in the world would anybody out there want their head left in the clouds when their spouse is carrying on, picking up diseases like a top quality fly strip. Who worries about trivial behaviors such as crudeness or spiteful behavior, when a married spouse and parent of two wakes up every day for FOUR friggin’ years (that’s 1,460 days if I’ve quickly calculated correctly) deciding to disregard any and everything of value to them. You’re wife is really something if she doesn’t mind, and “Genius” isn’t the word that comes to mind. I’m sorry for being so shocked by your response, but I would love to hear how you or the other “Geniuses” out there might suggest one handle this most delicate of situations! Would it be best to send a formal invitation to a luncheon in which for example you would invite your (cheating, for four years, wife), her sexy little boy toy, and his young wife and child? You would then sit down and say…? I know, you think your wife should handle it herself. After all, she has shown the most dignity and respect for others, you can trust her not to hurt her sexy boy toy’s feelings! We wouldn’t want him to be exposed to any crude words from you, “you man slut, keep your paws off of my wife!” No, we would trust the cheating spouse to handle it in a dignified manner, using respect, morals, ethics, and other things they’ve never heard of. Ah ha ha ha ha…
cleo – June 8, 2012
M,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and express your feelings about how I told The Happy Dance Chick’s husband about her 4 year affair. Perhaps, in the moment, it was a spiteful move. I’ve matured a lot since that time, and am grateful for the chance to reflect back on how I did it and see if there is a better way. Perhaps being more gentle with my words would have been a good move. But, after reflecting, I still would tell him. For reasons I stated before – he deserved to know the truth. And I felt that it was my role to tell him because I knew it wasn’t going to come from her. Knowing the truth does help things. It doesn’t always feel good, but it’s always better than living unknowingly in a lie.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cassandra – September 7, 2012
To weigh in on the issue of telling her husband, I want to say that I think you did the right thing. You and he were in the same situation and, like you, he had a right to know.
No one told me about the wack-a-doodle my ex had his affair with when I was pregnant and for the first year of my daughters life. She wasn’t married so there wasn’t a husband to tell me. If she had had a husband, I would have told him. That wouldn’t have been spiteful.
When finally separated from my husband, I clung (mentally) to my closest friend where I am living. Then, within weeks, she told me she was having an affair. The whole thing was extra sleazy and I won’t go into details but I am deeply ashamed that I allowed myself to be her confidant. Though I told her she had to end it, I still listened and listened even when she wouldn’t break it off. I just needed a friend.
When I came back to my senses I ended the friendship but I remain so troubled by the fact that her husband never knew. I suspect that she is having more affairs. When I see him (we are part of the same community) he looks so sad and I know it is because she is playing mind games with him.
I don’t believe I have a right to tell him but it bothers me that he doesn’t know. I feel as if I am holding something, this knowledge, that rightfully belongs to him. That might not make sense…
The knowledge you had about your spouses affair did not just belong to you. It belonged to both you and her husband. You were the one entrusted with it but I believe it was your obligation to share it with him.
cleo – September 9, 2012
C,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Just today I was reminded of one of my Mom’s favorite sayings: The truth will always out.
It’s a fact. Eventually the truth comes to light. It perplexes me that so many don’t understand that.
Honesty is the best policy. If The Genius had been honest on the many occasions where to do so would have been honorable, we would be in a much different place. Likely not married, but certainly not wading through this muck.
Love yourself,
Cleo
cleo – Ocober 17, 2012
F,
I am so sorry for the delay in replying to your comment. This needed to post immediately. I’m certain you’ll find support here. The kittens rock at that. I’m so glad you found HGM.
Things are moving very fast for you and your family. To the degree that you can, slow it all down.
You are so fortunate to have been in therapy during that time! And now. It’s a blessing to have that support.
My opinion is that a separation would be something to ponder. Getting space from The Genius was huge for me. The energy needed to clear and I needed to be alone with myself in order to love myself again. You may find that it provides you with the ability to make your own serenity. So you can see the magic happening around you. And he needs the the time and space to ponder what he did, and come to understand why. My hope is that you will over time see in each other that which you once loved and nurture your relationship back to health. But at the very least I know you will love yourself. And from there you can only rise and shine.
Stay close, F. What ever support you need, you will get it here. You’ll be in my heart.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Lyn Z. – October 24, 2012
Reading your website was such an eye opener I am the only person inmy immediate circle both family (my side ) that has suffered the pain of adultry. I was married for 42 years ( since I was 18 ) I have 4 children and 5 grandchildren My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with my 4 th child The affair lasted 2 1/2 years She divorced her husband and moved in with my husband with her 2 children My husband showed up on my doorstep begging forgivenss stating this was the biggest mistake of his life and could not give me and his children up We stayed together for the next 30 years and yet I always felt like the consulation prize. I read the love letters he wrote to her the way he was so attentive to her holding her hand and opening doors I would sk him why he couldn’t do these things for me and I would never get an answer well I oved him and decided I could just live withput these things Well let’s fast forward and I found out in July 2012 that he went on the internet and found her again I suspected something was up as he became distant but yet I could account for his ocming and going I finally broke into his computer (his cell phone wasnever out of his hand or pocket so I could never check that ) and I read Emails dating back to March of 2011 well they are in love again He states he has regretted the 30 years that she was not in his life and he 21/2 years he spent with her were the happiest in his entire life she is married to husband #3 and states she will be leaving him I never knew we had a problem Needless to say my divorce was final in August. My chidren hate their father and when asked why he did this again, was it sex, did you feel ingored, is she prettier what was it ? His answer is “I make her happy” You were never happy. Only those who understand the pain of cheating, the physical heartbeak can talk to each other about this as only we understand My husbands family has 9 children and all of them have cheated some numerous times he only has one sister who is still married to husband number 1 all the rest support him, after all you only have one life so be happy Ihave 5 ex sister in laws who have 15 husbands between them But hey just be happy
cleo – October 25, 2012
L,
I’m grateful you found HGM and that you took the time to comment. Sharing is so beneficial for all of us. I’m thankful you felt comfortable enough to share your tale with us.
Human behavior has me so befuddled these days. I will be writing about it today. I suppose a silver lining in your tale, my tale, and the remarkably similar tales of all those who come to HGM, is that we are committed to living an honest life where we look at how we treat ourselves and others, and how our energy affects those around us and ourselves.
This comment is all too familiar: “His answer is “I make her happy” You were never happy.” Well, L, maybe you and I have a higher bar on what makes us happy. I can say for certain that no man who is cheating on his wife could ever make me happy. And no man who is cheating on me could make me happy. The Genius is fond of saying, And this is why we didn’t work…and then point to communication issues. Well, he’s wrong. We didn’t work because I could never trust him after he cheated on me in the first year of our marriage. I wasn’t protective enough of myself to walk away then. So now I’m ULTRA protective.
The family that cheats together…we all know where that leads.
That my lady, may be the the second to the last time I write about The Genius. The last time will be in my next post.
Thank you, L. You’ve helped me to move on.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Lyn Z. – October 25, 2012
I have wondered how does h woman with any morals or self worth or even empathy enter a relationship with a married man The guilt I would feel facing my husband or children after being with him would eat me alive My ex husband would come home after spending 4 days at a time with his girlfiend and walk in the door like nothing was wrong It’s been 18 months since his affair began and I still think shie is still married. My ex has the nerve to descibe her as a great mother and wife I think she’ s in marriage number 3 now . Oh well at least she’s happy and apparently that’s all that matters
cleo – October 25, 2012
L,
We all make mistakes, but a person with a conscience recognizes a mistake and learns from it. My hope is that those who have been part of a betrayal take the time to look inward at what caused them to fall off the morality wagon and then plot a path to get back on. Unfortunately, in my situation, justification for the affair will prevent that from happening.
Very recently, I had an encounter with a married man. I could smell where it was going so I removed myself from the situation. Had I not picked up on it and he made a move, I would have said, Go talk to your wife. And then I would have avoided him like the plague from that point on. Which is what I will do anyway.
Life is simple until we complicate it, no? Thank you for taking the time to comment, L, and for being here.
Love yourself,
JJ – November 8, 2012
I’m so relieved that I’ve come across your blog. I haven’t had the chance to read all your entries or comments from your supporters. Im new this but not new to this if that makes sense(my “genius” has had two). I found out that my husband was having an affair the day I gave birth to my baby girl(premature and high risk labor and delivery) after struggling with IVF’s and infertilities(his lover decided to tell me). Just imagine what that was like so I totally relate to the comments of “I’m sure I’m the winner” because I’m pretty sure that hasn’t happened to anyone else. My story doesn’t stop there it gets worst but that’s not why I’m commenting. I’ve been wanting some sort of outlet where I can vent and organize my thoughts. This is a great idea. Thank you for your blog and I can’t wait to read all of it. I don’t know you but I can tell you this “we deserve more”.
cleo – November 8, 2012
J,
I’m grateful you found HGM and that you took the time to let us know you’re here.
Writing has helped to speed my healing process. I trust the same result will be there for you. I celebrate the birth of your daughter, who came to support you, love you and beloved by you. What a gift.
Stay close, J. This beautiful community of magical souls will help you find joy and peace swiftly, as they have for me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Lyn – November 11, 2012
I know just how you feel. My ex had an affair when I was pregnant with my 4th child. He left me at the alone with my baby at the hospital because his lover was expecting him for lunch. The sad thing is it was 33 years ago and I forgave him. We just divorced this August because he went looking for her on the internet and has decided he never loved me for the last 30 years, and has nothing but remorse for the years he lost with her. She has remarried 2 times since that affair and is now leaving this husband for mine. Do you wonder what makes these women so different fror us? How does a women with any feelings have an affair with a pregnant women’s husband? My heart was broken by this same woman twice and she has left 2 different husbands. I could never live with the guilt. My heart breaks for you. I think only a woman who has gone through this knows the pain. It is actually physical pain and your heart hurts. Try to be strong. My children were young the first time this happened and really didn’t understand, but now as adults they understand what he has done. They are my biggest support. Hold your daughter close and love her. She will never betray you. My thoughts are with you.
cleo – November 11, 2012
L,
As I read your words I thought of the song by Muse, Madness. Not for the lyrics as a whole, but for the message that some things cannot be explained. It’s just madness. I often wonder why a cheating spouse doesn’t simply say, I don’t want to be married anymore. They stay and then blame not themselves – the only party on which blame can be placed – but the spouse who remains after the fire has died out and the embers have gone cold.
Logic is for math problems. Logic cannot begin to unravel the mystery of betrayal and the justification of deceit. It’s just madness.
I have two boys (If I wasn’t 46 I would be absolutely game for having another child and would hope to be blessed with a girl – adoption is not out of the question!) who are beautiful and supportive. We are a great team. They, too, will come to understand what unraveled their parents relationship. My hope is that they will grow up to be honest, loyal men who choose to live a life based on morals and values and ethics that include always speaking the truth from the heart.
Please let your heart know that I am okay. Don’t let it break on my account. I feel free, sometimes upended, and when sad, it’s a sadness for the whole of the world. I am too blessed to be sad for me. I am so grateful you are here and feel such love from your words. It is beyond my ability to describe how moved I am by the love I receive from those I have not met, yet know me so intimately.
My smile is quite broad right now. Thank you. Stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Rosie R. – December 28, 2012
A friend just linked me to this post. Almost exactly a year later, I am going through this same hell and writing about it on my blog. I look forward to reading about your journey when I’m able–when I can face it without this awful sickness. I thank you for writing it and putting it out here for the rest of us.
cleo – December 28, 2012
R,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. The words here, especially those from kittens who have created magic out of betrayal, will help you as they’ve helped me. Without them, I would not be as joyful as I am despite the ugliness of The Genius’ actions. I am whole. And if you look closely, you’ll see the sage guidance of those who comment woven into my being. Stay close, R. We’ll do it in style together.
Love yourself,
Cleo
A same sad story – January 14, 2013
Cleo,
Your writing is beautiful. I myself is going through the exact emotion. How painful this is! I am hoping to find courage and hope. Your words, for the least, are a light in this darkness.
cleo – January 14, 2013
A,
I’m grateful you found HGM. We share this pain. I trust the words of the kittens and my writings will help to shine the light on the magic and release the sadness from your heart. Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
HarriedandHopeless – January 15, 2013
I had a feeling…We had just moved across country for a job transfer. Things were going well. I uprooted everything and moved it. He started his new job. After a few months, his new job included a week-long seminar. I had left my little part-time job back east. I took up quilting for I didn’t know any of the local business owners yet. I ate spaghettios and took care of the kids while he was gone. He came back from the seminar super-nice and attentive, almost too much so. He brought back a picture of all the recipients of this “touchy-feely” seminar group who had spent the week together, sharing, encouraging, laughing, complementing and building the confidence of each other, he told me all about it. (what I wouldn’t have given for a seminar like that but I had given up the career to take care of the kids so that he could take seminars like that.) All the participants signed the photograph. One signed, “to my rock, KIT.” My antennae went straight up and before I put the photograph down I said, “Did you kiss someone at that conference?” Strange question, I know, but that was the one that came to my lips. The denials came pouring in. A few weeks went by and we were planning the trip back East for the holidays. I was sharing with “my girls” in the West about my crazy “sixth-sense” feelings and they all said, “Something is up. With a feeling this strong, your body is trying to tell you something.” I asked him about the seminar again and the KIT girl. He had helped her, he said. His advice had made a difference to her, he said. That was all. A few days later I asked again, “Are you emailing her or talking to her?” “You are crazy,” he said. And my personal favorite, “This is really getting old.”
About 7 weeks after the seminar, we flew back East for the holiday’s. I mentioned my crazy feelings to my friends on the East coast. They all said, “no way. not him. you’re crazy.” He had a meeting about an hour away and I was home with the kids. I called him on his cell and asked for his computer password. I had a client who I still did some online work for and I needed to check her bank account. (Honest, it was completely innocent.) He said, “Why don’t you wait until I get home and I will get you on my computer.” With that comment, every fiber of my being was set aflame. “Why don’t you just give me the password,” I said, “what’s the big deal?” I had him. He had to give me the password. With blood filling my ears, I immediately went to his emails and found a folder. I clicked on the folder. Every email they had shared were in that folder. Phrases started popping off the page: “You weren’t home when i called last night, where were you.”- Him “I’m glad you didn’t let things get so far that we would regret it”- Her “I can’t believe you like that movie, we must be the only two people in the world who like that movie – Her (btw, one of our favorite movies) “Come visit me in San Diego on my business trip”- Her “Our horoscopes align completely.”-Her. I stared at the screen dumbfounded.
Everything you and your readers have described is absolutely true. You feel as if you are a character in a Hitchcock movie when the camera pulls back on the main character at the climax of the movie. You turn to ice and can’t get warm. Everything in the world falls away and you shed a naive skin and you know it is NEVER coming back. I did something similar to you, Cleo, although I didn’t think to send the email to myself, sheesh you are smart. I wrote down the ding-dong’s info from her signature line that included her phone number. I jotted down everything I could remember from the emails – as if I would ever be ever to forget. When he came home, he started right away with. “nothing happened…she wanted it to…but nothing happened…We stopped emailing 3 weeks ago, see for yourself (the emails HAD ended 3 weeks before)” I said to him, “Things didn’t get so far that you would regret it, huh, how far did it get? Here is your one chance. i am going to call her now. If her story doesn’t jive with your story, we are over. He said that they had a drink at the bar, went up in the elevator to their floor and she kissed him in the elevator. He gently pushed her away and that was it, other than the emails and invitations to San Diego, that is.) I picked up the phone and dialed her number in front of him, he didn’t budge. Her mail picked up, “This is (insert my full name here) I am (Insert his name here)’s wife. Imagine my surprise when I read your emails to him. If you have something you think I need to be concerned about, why don’t you give me a call. here’s my home number.” She never called me back. She called him, apparently, and he told her that they couldn’t talk or email anymore. He apologized and convinced me to hang in there. I asked him why he did it. He said, ego. He was perfectly happily married but the ego got him. I could tell him how great he was, care for his kids, care for his home, cook his dinner, make love to him often – but to hear someone else tell him that he was great was a temptation – ego…My West girlfriends still believe something more happened. My East girlfriends think that was the end of it. Cleo, what do you think?
It still haunts me. The worst part of it was to have such a strong feeling that something was going on and being told that “I was crazy” and worse “This is getting old.’ I have learned that the sixth sense is a powerful thing. Listen to it. And NEVER underestimate the power of ego. I have also learned that marriage is fragile and always will be. I have learned to do more things independently, work more if I want to, get my own bank account, keep up with my friends, and we ask each other often if we are happy or what can be done to make each other happier…the sad thing is you simply never know….
cleo – January 16, 2013
H,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for sharing your story. It’s such a great help for those here to know that they are not alone. You have told a fascinating tale. Of course, without really knowing you or your husband, I am merely speaking intuitively about what has been left unsaid.
Two things jump out at me from your comment: “I’m glad you didn’t let things get so far that we would regret it.” and “…she kissed him in the elevator. He gently pushed her away and that was it,…” So who didn’t let things ‘go so far’? Him or her? Hmmmm…doesn’t add up.
I also find it hilarious when the cheater relinquishes all power. She didn’t let it go to far, she kissed me, you created a void in me that I had to fill. (That last one was mine.) The playground excuse of She made me do it! isn’t far behind.
I don’t know what went down at that conference. But I know what you can do right now! LOVE YOURSELF! Establish your boundaries and express your needs. If one of those needs is monogamy, let him know that if he cheats on you again, physically or emotionally, he is out. If The Genius and I had made it past this last affair (It would be easier for me to part the Red Sea than to remain married to him.) I would have had him sign a document that stated that he would walk away from everything except the children if he had another affair. That means every single asset. Walk. Away.
When you have your boundaries set and your needs expressed, you can be open, vulnerable, but aware. Live this life the way you need to in order to be proud and fulfilled. If he is able to keep pace then you ought to be able to strengthen your relationship. He’ll need to proactively earn your trust again. That’s key. Don’t let any of this fester. Even if it was just a kiss it is still a blow to your marriage. How you meet this will determine how it unfolds. Stay close, H. Be brave and open. I’m grateful you found HGM.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Amy A – January 23, 2013
Dear Cleo,
I found your website shortly after you started it. I have read it on and off since then. Little did I know at the time that I would understand the pain you have experienced.
I found out in December 2012 that my husband had met ‘the woman he has always been looking for’ or as I like to call her Shiny New Toy (SNT). We had moved to NC to start a business in Mid September 2012. The communication (texting) started on November 3rd, I found out on my own Mid December (Merry Christmas to me). As soon as I found out he became someone else. He unfriended me from Facebook (the same night) and also changed his status from Married to single – yep, he has the mentality of a 14 year old. We lived together until I moved back to Colorado earlier this month. He carried on like he did nothing wrong. He would never admit to me that she existed or how he met her or even say he was sorry for screwing up my life. On a side note, he told a friend of ours, the day before I found out, that I was moving back to Colorado and he was looking for a new place to live…..
On my road trip back to Colorado he was telling me that he was praying for me (I didn’t think he knew how) and that he was sorry – Finally! And then he told me some details of SNT. He is going through a lot of guilt and I hope he is happy living in guilt city. He told me that if I never forgave him, that was fine. Because he was never going to be able to forgive himself for what he did……..
I have never cried so much in my life, nor have I felt so much anger.
Thank you for your blog. I like reading all the comments too. I guess it makes me feel better to know that others have gone through this.
AA
cleo – January 30, 2013
A,
How brave you are to pick up and move on! Best decision you could make! Even if at some point in the future you should decide to reconcile, the move you made showed your self that she is most important. That’s the best gift you could ever give her. It’s not a selfish, I’m so the best thing ever, bow to me kind of reaction. It’s not narcissistic. It’s appropriate. Necessary. Exactly what you needed. I’m so proud of you!!
Stay close and please continue to read the entries. We all talk about letting go of anger. It will be so very hard, and of course, so very worth it. But for now, focus on loving yourself. He’s got some s…tuff to work through. It’s not about him now, it’s about you. This is your life – the one you were gifted with when you were conceived. I cannot wait to see how you rock it out!
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I’m certain there are kittens in Colorado ready to lend a helping hand. I’m grateful you are here. And know that you are not alone.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Sick to my stomach – April 9, 2013
I just found your site by accident. 7 weeks ago this happened to me too. Would be married 15 yrs. next month. He was acting strangely and I decided to start checking his cell phone. You think the jackass would password protect it with what he was carrying on? NO. Over the course of a few weeks I discovered some strange text msg. Also, the jackass used a single initial to identify her in his contact list. If that’s not a red flag – I don’t know what is! Then I found the text msg that I needed to confront him, that he forgot to erase. I can’t even tell you what it is because it still makes me sick. I will say that this was a long term affair from the evidence.
Waited for him to wake up that morning and confronted him. He knew he was caught and hung his head….and then started telling me what an awful relationship we had that caused him to do this!!!!!!! I was expecting tears and apologies and begging for forgiveness, and that is what I got. Him trying to justify it. At that exact moment I knew our relationship was over. I told him I wanted him out of our house, and then he started to ask for my forgiveness, when he realized that I seriously was throwing him out. Made him leave for work and then called the emergency locksmith and had all the locks changed. Grabbed a big roll of garbage bags and packed all his stuff, and put the bags in the garage (it was a huge pile). In about 5 hours I was finished. He later that night texted me and I told him the locks were changed and I was filing for divorce. When I researched the phone # from his contact list I discovered she was a coworker who is also married. They would have kept this up forever, I’m sure it went on for a few years before I discovered it. I have one pre-teen child and she is handling this reasonably well. He was not a very involved father so I don’t think the impact has been that huge for her yet.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. No woman should ever stand for such disrespect from her husband. Find your strength amid your devastation, I did. Can’t wait for the divorce to be final. I am looking forward to my freedom and a chance to meet honest and loving people.
cleo – April 16, 2013
S,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I’m grateful you found HGM. After a year + of living this experience, I agree that it’s the rare person who cheats accidentally and one time alone was enough to rid them of the desire to stray. Cheating is one way to manifest some troubling issue. It is different for each person – what causes someone to cheat. It’s a solo choice. Infidelity is not a joint decision.
I applaud your decisive action. I wish my boundaries had been as established. And now you can digest what has happened and let it unlock for you your true needs, heal your stomach. Then off you go to meet those needs. Another person who has thrived because of betrayal. Magic.
Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Sick to my stomach – April 16, 2013
I was so busy telling you my story, that I forgot to thank you for writing such a terrific blog. Very oddly, I share your arachnaphobia! Now that I kicked jackass out, I will have to do all the spider killing in my house. Thankfully, I have never seen a spider like the one you recently posted on your update. Congratulations for killing it, I would have passed out at the sight of it!
cleo – April 16, 2013
S,
Thank you! I appreciate your kind words. In times of arachnid invasions, we summon strength necessary…or call a neighbor.
Love yourself,
Cleo
zarina – May 18, 2013
Hi Cleo, thank you for sharing this, I’m going through the same betrayal-dont really know how to deal with it, hence my resort to the internet hoping to get some insight from ladies who have been through something similar-my heart feels like someone is holding it in their hands & squeezing the life out of it:(. I will continue to read your blog with the hope that can learn from your experience & am able to pick up the pieces & build my way back up with my kids-thanks again Cleo Everest:)
cleo – May 21, 2013
Z,
Welcome to HGM! So grateful you found us. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here. As you know, I’ve been where you are. You will be okay. You will experience magic in the midst of this emotional upheaval. This will not be a linear journey, so when you dip know that you will rise again. We will always be here for you. Stay close, Z. There is beauty in betrayal.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Rosie – May 21, 2013
“This will not be a linear journey” <—THIS. Know that when you feel the worst, you will feel better. Be prepared for times when you feel pretty good and something reminds you and takes you back to the beginning again (except this time you know the way out). I feel for what you are going through right now. I’m there with you in agony–and in healing. <3
cleo – May 22, 2013
R,
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for being here. Not only is this not a linear journey, but it might just be a maze! Now, I love mazes. The kind you get lost in. Even if it’s bales of hay, there is something so romantic about a maze. So I’m going to imagine my journey as a maze.
Everything about this journey is good. Seems crazy to say, but it’s true.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thx for sharing your journey Cleo, and creating HGM. Even with friends and family around to offer support, I’ve felt so incredibly alone. After stumbling on your site that changed. Thank you!
We were together for 15+ years (met in college) married for 9. 11/2013 I was sitting on the couch after returning with my husband from an OB appointment (weeks earlier we found out I was pregnant with our second- surprise pregnany.) I asked to borrow his cell phone and there it was. He’s rather absent minded and left his secret email account open on the browser. My immediate thought- this is a turning point, life as I knew it seconds before will never be the same. He was in the kitchen 20 feet away with our child by his side- cooking because I was feeling nauseas. He was in eyeshot of me. I struggled to keep the phone in my shaking hands. In record speed, (bc i didn’t know how long I would be able to keep it together emotionally, and would have to retreat to another room, for my daughters sake, and he would know I knew) I opened email after email- lovie ones, naughty ones with nudie pics and worst pics he sent to her of him with our child. I forwarded copies to myself (which he later deleted out of my account.) The rest of the evenings happenings is similar to what many of you shared- confrontation and an emotional upheaval. The year that followed has been so intense. I welcomed my second child into the world- what a blessing! With time my husband came to terms with his issues that led him to the affair (love addiction). We have been seeing an excellent martial therapist. However, I’ve recently come to terms with how incredibly dysfunctional my husband is. Along with his love addiction challenges he has and continues to lie to everyone and anyone with ease, to avoid having to compromise or having to confront. I am tired of a life with mistrust, pain and fear as constants. I’m ready to finally get my life back! I gave it a try, but it’s not fixable, I am setting myself free.
One part of this whole experience that really troubled me is how women could do this to other women- cheating with a married man. I have always been a bit of a feminist and that piece of this, really weighed heavy in my heart. I later learned that the woman he cheated with is incredible dysfunctional. She was married with a child while cheating (before my husband) and got pregnant with the other man’s babies, married the other man just to cheat on him, and that third man she was later engaged to while cheating on him with my husband! (Sorry, i digressed.) Where I was going is, finding HGM restored my belief in women coming together to help support one another through adversity. Thank you!
One day at a time has been my approach through this , and finding your site made today a little easier.
M,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I am so grateful you found HGM. Your strength is inspirational. To bring a child forth while dealing with betrayal is monumentally challenging. You have the strength to free yourself. And you had the strength to try to repair the marriage. All choices that are honorable.
I feel the same way about the community of women who have gathered here to support each other. So many days and nights I shed tears at the awesome power of their support. That energy is still within each and every word here. Take as much as you need.
I am so grateful to know that you are here, M. Stay close. We’re here to hold your hand.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Thank you for sharing this. I too am a wife of a husband who couldn’t keep it in his pants. Six months ago I was told on a 4 hour car ride home from an airport that we were done. Just like that, 13 years gone. No reason, no arguments, no long talks of his unhappiness in our union. So my mind went racing. I knew there was a reason. We were losing our rental home due to foreclosure so here I was no husband, no house. I had to move a 18 year old, 3 dogs, a chinchilla and a fish tank. It was hell. Within a month I would befriend him and get a hold of his cell. On it I was shaking as I read the text of how the two of them wanted to be together. She worked for him. She was only hired that June for the company. It had only been mere months before the two hooked up. She was married also and with a 3 year old son. The whole thing was ridiculous. She was 15 years younger than my husband and one of the reasons he gave me as to why he was leaving me, I had lost it. My body wasnt the same. Funny thing was months after I saw his new woman. She was 2 inches shorter than me and weighed in at least 200 lbs. Not that I am saying thats a bad thing but don’t use that against me when I am a size 9 and athletic. It was an excuse for his bad choices. He risked a 6 figure job and what he told me threats from her husband to carry on this affair. He had relations in his office because he was still living with me. My daughter told on him while I was overseas when he chose one weekend to come in at 4 AM. He has no friends. The only people he ever talks to is his coworkers. This is a problem obviously for him. We moved South in 2009. I moved from my family, my friends, my future grandchild and my good paying job all to follow him. Now here I am alone. I have managed to establish a life here in the years I have lived here along with many friends. It still is no excuse for the actions these two had chosen. I heard from him that they are not together anymore as of last month. She chose her husband. I find that hard to believe considering she is still working for my husband. My husband and I went to court a week ago. We are now legally seperated and I did make out well with the divorce. Only after I caught him or he would have just left me. Our final hearing was not until last week and he told me a week before about the break up of he and his mistress and then proceeded to tell me he was dating. This man is a true piece of work. I have cried many tears and lost sleep wondering what I could have done better. I am not perfect by any means but I know I didn’t deserve this. He actually cried to me in February of how he loved and missed me. I have chosen to not date. I need time to heal. If this is how people show they love you, I will love my dog. I will never understand what went through his mind the day he chose to cheat or why. He never told me he was unhappy. In fact before I boarded the plane he kissed me and told me he loved me. Our divorce won’t be completly final until December. I didn’t have enough evidence to prove adultery and in our state if you don’t its a 12 month waiting period. He asked my lawyer if he provided evidence could we proceed with the final divorce sooner. She told him yes. He opted out to protect his mistress and wait out the 12 months. All while he is dating supposedly. I felt karma wasn’t happening soon enough so when I knew our court hearing was scheduled I sent his mistress to the place of employment a bouquet of flowers along with a note that had he and I on it in pictures. I simply told her I do hope the next time she comes across a taken man that she makes better choices. She is not an innocent party yet he wants to protect her still to this day. I want to heal. I know it will take time. I just wish he would take the job offer he told me about months ago and move away. I would rather go through life wishing I would run into him then truly doing just that. He will never be faithful I know this already. He cheated the first time on me a year after we were married. I thought if we could get through that we could get through hell and back. How I was mistaken.
S,
I’m grateful you found HGM. I know that the words here will help to guide you as you absorb the shock of betrayal and find the meaning in it for you. There are many similarities in our stories, something not unusual. I hope you read on. From here I reflect back on month six. HGM and the kittens helped to keep me engaged fully in the process of healing and discovering myself, falling in love with myself. I have great fondness for those days. Crazy, right? But it’s true. Those days were the foundation I poured for the home I occupy now. I feel at home. With me and all that has happened. Stay close, S. This experience can be a a Giant Gift. Thinking of you… Love yourself,
Cleo
MaryAnne
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Best,
MaryAnne
What ever happened to Happy Dance Chick after you emailed her husband? Did they need counseling too or did they get divorced?
Hello. I am new to this site and to this life (being divorced bc of my cheating spouse). I am a mother of 2 – a four year old and a 6 month old — I got separated two weeks after my son was born after realizing my husband had been cheating the whole pregnancy – the affair which whom he now lives with. I later also found out of other affairs he had through out the marriage. we were only married 7 years – together almost 10 (I am 28) and for once in 10 years I feel “at peace”. God knows I loved him but the constant lying and deceit made many moments in our marriage a nightmare. I am so glad I have found this community to see I am not alone and to hopefully inspire others as well as inspire myself to keep moving forward.
Lore
I, You are not alone. And the experience you have had, while unique to you, is similar in so many ways to thousands of other people. You’ve got a HUGE opportunity in front of you. It’s a massive challenge, but it will transform you. Truly transform you. There’s much to learn and experience, so stay close. You may want to join us on The Weekly Call – it’s a fantastic virtual gathering to get us back on track and keep us on track. The guidance and inspiration will power you through. You are free. Congratulations. And, remember this, you are lovable and supported. Love yourself, Cleo
I, I am so sorry to just be replying to your comment. I didn’t know it was here! Thank you for sharing your story. I’m grateful you found HGM and this community. Should you find your way back to this entry please join us on The Weekly Call. Details are at cleoeverest.com. It’s a transformative way to move through the experience of infidelity and divorce. Let’s all inspire each other! Love yourself, Cleo
Wow wish I had found this year’s ago. I put up with my husband’s infidelity for 8 years before catching him for the third and last time. He has taken my 17 year old son to live with him and his girlfriend in Houston and refuses to provide me with any money after a 24 year marriage. I stayed at home while he travelled 3 weeks of every month and now thinks I should just find a job to support myself. He also wants everything and leave me with nothing. How could I make such a mistake? Why is he intent on punishing me when he was the one who was screwing around on me while I kept the home fires burning? How do I get thru this divorce with my sanity intact?
S, I am so grateful you found it now. I believe in perfect timing. The words here will help to guide you. While this experience is turbulent and painful to endure, it can also be the absolute best thing to happen. For you specifically, I am hear cheers from the Universe saying, Yes! She’s free to evolve and grow and get back to why she came here in the first place! You will find that this is not a linear journey. So hang on. But it can be magical. Should you read my reply this week, The Weekly Call happening this Sunday and Wednesday are PERFECT for you. I feel the need to get back to the beginning and connect with why we are here. I’ll share some strategies that you may benefit from. Please visit cleoeverest.com and check out The Weekly Call. Try to be there. I’ve been exactly where you are and have tremendous respect for the journey you are about to take. Much love, S. Love yourself, Cleo