Last Friday A asked if I ever really loved The Genius. He read HGM and was left feeling that I never did. Or he wondered if I ever did. So, while I deal with dictatorial texts from said Genius, I will simultaneously attempt to tell you the tale of our love affair. An IV of Malbec might be required.
I met The Genius the month before I turned 30 at a live music venue. I was there to support a fundraiser for victims of a really awful fire and to hear some of my favorite local bands. At that time in my life I wasn’t looking for a man, or a mate, and I certainly wasn’t looking for a husband. I wasn’t itching to plan a reception, buy a white dress or get pregnant. The whole Disney fairytale never appealed to me. I was completely content with my single status and didn’t feel ‘less than’ as my friends got married. I was killing it in my career, casually dating a handful of guys that were completely cool with my independent nature, and basically having the time of my life as I closed in on my 30th birthday. Not unlike many women in this day and age.
Then I felt a hand close around my elbow and someone say in my left ear, “It’s cool that you come out to listen to music alone.” My elbow went haywire and a blast of energy radiated from that joint through the rest of my body. I kid you not. I turned and looked into gentle brown eyes on a face that immediately struck me as a dead ringer for Antonio Banderas. Not my type. (I love Flea. He’s the antithesis of Antonio Banderas. If I had to pinpoint my type I’d say ‘light’. Light eyes, light hair, light personality, and perhaps a little wild.) But the vibration that coursed through my body was impossible to ignore. I perked up big time.
We spent about 20 minutes together talking before he departed that evening on a two week trip. When he left he squeezed my elbow again and said, “I’d love to see you when I get back.” I think I replied. I might have just nodded and smiled and tried to not twitch noticeably.
I could feel his hand on my elbow the entire time he was away.
We met at my place two weeks later. I lived in a one bedroom apartment with a long hallway that led to the kitchen first and then the living room. We made it to the kitchen before I turned to him and we fell into an embrace against the wall. It took me by surprise. It was a full-body hug that lasted for minutes, complete with deep breaths until we squeezed so hard we pressed all the air out. I lost the sense of where I left off and he began. The fit was perfect. (Full disclosure: I noticed his small-ish belly and thought, I wonder if he works out? Nah. He’s a musician and not in a boy band. Probably not a gym rat.) Honestly, it was a little overwhelming. Actually the entire night was a little overwhelming. We spent the evening talking. For six hours. The ease, the flow, the thought-provoking topics, the laughter – it all led to a feeling of familiarity that was just shy of unnerving. As evidenced by his abrupt departure.
“I have to go.” It was said nearly mid-sentence.
“Okay.” I hopped up from the floor where I was sitting and gathered his Kurt Cobain-esque cardigan. I walked him down the long hallway and stood at the open door, sweater in hand. We hugged again. And again it lasted for years. When I closed the door I thought, ‘I’ll either never see him again or I’ll spend the rest of my days with him.’ (He later said that he had to leave because he felt flustered by the whole evening. He needed fresh air.)
Over the next 10 weeks we both traveled for work and squeezed in about five encounters. The first time I saw him after our date at my apartment was in Los Angeles. I was there for a few days of leisure before heading to Hawaii to collect a really big award for work (I stood on a stage and everything, and I brought my Mom as my date!), and he was there on business. I met him at the Sunset Marquis, in the bar.
When I found him amidst a gaggle of friends and locked eyes, I couldn’t have spit out a complete sentence if you had told me that we’d live happily ever after if I did. I truly was wordless. I smiled, ordered a cocktail and tried not to sweat through my dress. We held hands while I sat on the edge of an ottoman and watched a woman’s mouth move. I don’t recall a single word she said to us. My insides were going all Carnival. I would have believed you if you told me that noise makers, beads and streamers were flowing from my every orifice. A float even.
This connection of ours was primal. Two people who were not looking for love were slammed up against the wall by it and went along for the ride willingly. We spent our time together talking, listening to music, talking, cooking, playing pool and talking. It will sound cliché, but we felt like a long-time married couple out of the gate. We settled into what felt like how our life-long relationship would play out almost immediately. There was no ‘get to know you’ stage. If reincarnation exists, and I believe it does until someone proves different, The Genius and I decided to get back together for an encore on the blue marble.
At the end of a 10 week courtship we were engaged. We had ZERO doubts about our union. It was all in. From my position, I was committing for life. I knew it was a short courtship. I knew we were taking a risk. But neither of us was willing to wait. We weren’t marrying because we envisioned that we’d be married by this time, or that we thought we should be parents by now, or because all our friends were married, or because we didn’t want to be alone anymore, or because we needed a partner to feel complete.
We got engaged and married because our love was so potent and absolute and full body that marrying was the only option. It was our love that brought us to that alter. Not some hormonally-driven, co-dependent craziness. It was calm, deep, rich comforting love that had me walk down an aisle to Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons played on a harp. (Remind me to tell you about how hilarious my nipples were. That’s for another post.)
We were inseparable, when we could be together. And for a long stretch, about 2 years, we both worked from home, with only occasional travel for him. We were together 24/7 and really jelled. We would stay up until just before sunrise on the weekends, singing and talking.
People routinely marveled at our connection. And I’m not using the word ‘marveled’ loosely. Those we knew and those we didn’t. They could see the love we shared, and the closeness. I loved the way he put his hand on my lower back to guide me out of a room. The way we went to sleep, completely tangled up in each other. Our shared love of music, sports, food, wine, and interesting conversations.
When we kissed our faces melted into one. We called it ‘face skating’. We kissed with our whole head, like cats. Nose to nose, cheek to chin, forehead to jaw, cheek to cheek, to mouths. And we did that for hours. We must have looked ridiculous. And beautiful.
I loved our late night calls when he was on the other side of the world, and the feeling of accomplishment that we were pulling it off. We were going to be able to remain close even though far apart, and focus on our careers so that we could work towards not being apart anymore. We were building our future and, to me, it was a given that we were in it for life. No matter what came our way, we were committed to going the distance. We were paying our dues and would cash out large in the end.
And then it all started to fall apart. A few months after we returned from our honeymoon his father walked out on his mother (this after she told me that they were so happy together and had date night every Friday, candles lit, blah, blah, blah) and disappeared for 2 years or so. A few months later she tried to “kill” herself with, like, some aspirin or something. I was 20 feet from David Bowie who was playing an obscenely small venue when The Genius’ pager (yes, kittens this was the 90s) went off. 911. Mom is at the hospital. OD. Then he went on the road for months and left me with The Mother Genius. I think my shoulder is still wet from all the tears she unloaded on it.
Later that year he cheated on me with The Shamrock, some girl he met in a bar in Dublin. He said they had a ‘connection’. Yea, and you had a wife. And then his sister got divorced. There was also talk of a 2 year old half-sibling…by the time that came about I was too freaked out by his family to even inquire.
But I loved him. We were going to get through all that crap. Even the dalliance with The Shamrock. (He denied it. And finally admitted to it one night when he was a tad hammered.) I told him I would leave him if he ever cheated on me again, but I wasn’t going to bail on him because of The Shamrock. I figured maybe he needed some time to grow up. This all moved so fast, maybe he just needed to settle his hormones down. And the stresses from all the family upheaval would settle down, God willing. We would pull out of the fishtail and get back on track. I was so wrong, but that’s what I thought at the time.
A, I loved that man with every part of my being. I wouldn’t have stayed as long as I did if my love for him wasn’t so deep. If our relationship was a full pint of Guinness, an ounce of love evaporated every year, for 16 years, until that pint glass sat dry and stained on the night of The Pocket Call. It’s last ounce vaporized when I heard the clicking of high heels.
And 3 minutes and 50 seconds later the glass shattered. My heart hasn’t stopped bleeding.
Maybe that’s what you feel in my words when you look for some evidence of love. It’s gone, and I have a hard time accessing how it felt when it was there because it was so huge. I’m afraid I’ll remember exactly what it felt like and be overwhelmed by sadness at the loss of a love that was so beautiful, and so very important to me.
A, this was the first time I have written about my love for The Genius and it’s breaking me into pieces. Thank you for giving me the push I needed to acknowledge the love I had for for him and to appreciate the good times we had together. Don’t worry, I know how to put myself back together again.
Love yourself,
Cleo
C!
Quick comment on your previous post – your frustration at his schedule changes that would affect your trip. I took a different view on this – I was thinking of your future and your boys that you will be parenting together for over the next 15 years or so. . . As you work out your monthly schedules and he promises to handle the Thursday night soccer games and then calls 15 mins before and says he can’t make it . . . .that will be painful for you and your little guys. Because hey – this happens when the parents are still married too and it is a family stress! I feel you could take the high road on this and talk about how this will feel to them if he is always changing schedules at the last min. It will make your children stress about plans and they are too young for this. At times, I don’t tell them of plans (my kids – 3 girls I haven’t mentioned that to you!) and just hope he makes it then guess what – Dad’s taking you to (insert activitiy). OK this went on longer than I anticipated . . .
I loved your love story! We had the same type of BANG when we met – my god if someone could bottle that feeling . . .”I’m afraid I’ll remember exactly what it felt like and be overwhelmed by sadness at the loss of a love that was so beautiful, and so very important to me.”
This quote is great. I think you will feel you have made it when you won’t feel afraid of feeling like that. By the way, that’s why Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey are so popular – they remind you of that rush.
Keep Writing!
A.L.
A,
It was so very good for me to go back and remember that feeling, those feelings. Oh, geez, I’m crying again. By shutting down and not acknowledging the love we had, I am burying parts of myself. And that’s the exact opposite of what I am here to do. I’m in full on excavation mode. Respecting my past, excited for my future, but living firmly present in the moment.
Thank you for your guidance and kind words. I’m so happy you’re here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo—What a beautiful love story! I can see that there really was love there , for the both of you. One never knows what can happen in a relationship and when you really love , you give 150%. You forgive, you love. you laugh , you cry, you make memories ( good and bad) , you live unforgettable moments together, you share..YOU GIVE YOURSELF completely to that other person that you have made a life with….NO regrets!!! I feel for you and I praise you for writing about your experiences and finding happiness again in your life, because you deserve it. I am going through a separation as well, not understanding how he can tell me that he no longer loves me after 16 years of marriage, 3 beautiful boys and countless memories that only we shared….But…I have decided to let him go…although I beleive he is making the biggest mistake of his life…and he will regret it when it is too late…I love him, but I need to let him go….I have found happiness and support with my boys , family, and friends…Life does not end here…We have so much to live for and be happy for….Thank you for your blog….You are my inspiration and my therapy…Life has great things in store for us….
S,
The memories that only we share…it’s so hard to watch that die. The memories live on, but to know that no more will be created as husband and wife is excruciatingly painful. To know that we are a broken family is so very sad. But the only option for me, and it seems the same for you, is to create joy from pain. To be grateful for the gift of life and commit to respecting it by living it full on.
You with me?
Thank you for your kind words. I’m so glad that HGM resonates with you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow. Just wow. Reading that was a trip down memory lane to the relationship I was in in my 20s. Same intense deep soul “must be reincarnated” connection. I haven’t seen him in 14 years, but would not be shocked if I ran into him on the street and that same connection was there. He was a cheater too… It lasted 8 years on & off, then he finally left me for someone else “that he could have fun with” – ouch. Happy to say I met someone else that I had a instant – although totally different – connection with, and we’ve been married for 13 years next month (yes, if you do the math from the ex, it was a whirlwind courtship & marriage, not unlike the one you had with The Genius.).
Thanks for sharing – I love your blog!
C,
Yes, the connection between me and The Genius will always be there. Right now, however, it’s easy to dismiss. One day it’ll be okay to acknowledge it and know that I won’t shatter into a million pieces. I am gun-shy about the instant connection experience, though. If it happens again, and it did on some level with Mr. Jackpot, I will wonder if it’s for real or just another red herring. Thank you for sharing your words with me, with us. I am so happy you found love and peace.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
This is an achingly beautiful post. But as you are well aware, love doesn’t end…it only changes direction. All the love you felt for The Genius you have now redirected toward yourself (a very enlightened move on your part) and once healed by your own love, it will then be redirected at someone new who will reflect that love right back to you. I’ve been following your journey which has closely mirrored my own. Your words have encouraged me to redirect the unconditional love that I had foolishly wasted on my own Genius. I have come to realize that I am worthy of that love and just that realization has allowed me to let go of my anger and be a better mother to our son. Thank you.
Sending you my love,
AG
A,
I’m taking your love and basking in it. Thank you. Perhaps that’s why I felt so centered after writing about my love for The Genius. Because I’m now able to redirect that love to myself, my family and all those with whom I have encounters. I’ve got a lot to give, that’s for sure.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Your last 4 paragraphs made me cry… And remember what a beautiful beginning I also had with my husband… And you’re right, at this point it is hard to look back and appreciate those wonderful moments of love and know that they are diminished or lost. I think you’ve come to a full circle by writing about loving The Genius. Great post
J,
I’m very grateful to A for sending me on that journey. It felt good to go back. To know I wasn’t crazy. That I really did love The Genius, and it’s okay that I did. I’m not sure that I am full circle yet, but I’m gunning for it. Thank you for your kind words.
Love yourself,
Cleo
That was so painful to read, Cleo. I’m sure it was very hard to write it. But thank you for sharing that with us. I know that was very personal and painful to bring to the surface. If I’m teary-eyed, I can only imagine how you must feel. Thank you.
C,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Surprisingly, I felt very centered after I wrote the post. I was crying, for sure. But I felt calm. I went out to look at the stars and was simply grateful to be have been able to get it all out.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m most happy to hear your assurance that you learned how to put yourself back together again. It’s unnerving -i in the most real sense of that word – to have, lose and then revisit those depths.
I knew the perfect opportunity would arise to contribute my development and it has. I was sustained far too long by the same sort of love you described. So powerful that it kept me going long after it was long gone.
But before I share what you so correctly predicted, I want to say thanks and hugs and Wow! and applause and just express such grateful appreciation for you. The wide open way you dig deep and then create such complex seemingly effortless expression is brave and generous and enlightening and, well, lightening. If you were my daughter I would be so proud of you I would burst. Of your bravery and eloquence – and also for this remarkable community your sharing has developed. I am continually touched by the articulate, honest and lovely women who have joined you in this journey.
Thank You Cleo Everest.
Me? I showed him the door. It was and wasn’t like the movies. I brought him and my heart-child into the same space, told the truth and told him he had to leave. He tried to lie by acknowledging only partial truths, but I prompted him to be the one to say the ridiculous – he wants to be with the new love. She was furious at the stupidity of his selfish desire, supported the kicking out, then broke and raced to the arms of her best friend, as it should have been. He … left. I cried for hours, then stayed up all night packing his things. Neatly and thoroughly because I thought dignity called for me to be who I am even in that circumstance. I was and am proud of that move because all I really wanted to do was sob and beg him to wake up and come back. But over the next few days, I did sob. Like Diane Keaton as Erica Barry in “Something’s Gotta Give” only I wasn’t writing a Broadway hit while I did it. (Did I share that comparison before? If so, sorry, it just won’t leave my mind.) Thank god for HGM and my incredible sisters and friends. They helped transform the mush inside me through devastation and agony to acceptance to exploration of my contribution to and even desire for the death of this marriage (long before the cheating death) to a new clarity and excitement for the future.
Inside of that gargantuan effort, I also called him and talked and questioned and … begged. Outside of myself watching as I did it. Knowing it was useless. Knowing I didn’t even want him to succumb. I thought I would be ever-humiliated by that, but you know what? I’m not. It was what it was. And the tense of that sentence says it all.
Onward and upward.
T,
Thank you for your kind and beautiful words. Don’t forget about the men who have joined us here at HGM, and for the time they have taken to comment so thoughtfully, with such emotion. I’m grateful to know that even with all that testosterone racing around the veins of those beautiful creatures, there’s a gentle spirit inside many. And I’m ultra grateful some have found their way here.
“…even desire for the death of this marriage (long before the cheating death)…” That hit home! My Observer Self, my delightful date, has been aching for the end of this marriage for, oh, probably about 4 years now. By ignoring her I devalued her. She doesn’t like that much. I was hell-bent on making the marriage work, even if my efforts were misguided or futile. Now that she knows I love her and am content to be with her, we’re all so much happier!
I am excited for the future. Every day it gets a little easier to stay with the excitement and peace and allow the pain to float away. I’m getting smarter, too! Which is a total bonus.
Thank you for being here. Your words and support are treasured by me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, that was huge. A young half-sibling? The result of the father’s absence? Probably not the first dalliance? Men have trouble being faithful. Men who travel for long periods have trouble being faithful. Men whose fathers have had affairs….I could go on. Doesn’t really matter, to you. But you are so well out of it. Some men have no trouble being faithful, and you will find one, if you want another man at all….
C,
Yes, a possible love child. Or just more drama because that was the bread of life for The Family Genius, except for The Genius himself. We shared a distaste of the drama. The supposed live child was conceived by The Genius’ father while he was still married and living with The Mother Genius. So classy.
Over the last 3 days I have developed a sense, a knowing about the really important traits I would need to see in another man to be comfortable exploring the possibilities. (I’m preparing to write out that list!) I would have never zeroed in on something I viewed as so picky, like no extended travel. But you can bet that won’t be part of my future. If there is a man in my future at all.
Thank you for taking the time to comment, C.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo, probably stating the obvious here, but your post kept screaming at me “he’s going to do it again!”. It’s a pattern. It’s in his family’s imprint on him, on all of them. You are healing your way out of an unhealthy family and you will stand righted and whole in the end. Unfortunately for him – and the women in his forthcoming path – they will all continue to suffer. You are very deftly getting out of the “pattern”, which you are unweaving through your writing and hiking and looking inward, and when you have finally cut that last thread, move on and don’t look back. And “meet” him for only the healthy part of your relationship, your children. Beyond that, eyes on the horizon, you have Everest to climb. Cheers.
A,
Thank you. For taking the time to tell me what you see. And so beautifully. Sometimes my vision is as foggy as the Marin hills last night at sundown.
“And “meet” him for only the healthy part of your relationship, your children.” And stop the pattern for them, too. I want to raise honest boys with unshakeable morals and values. If that’s all I am able to accomplish before I leave the blue marble I will be a very satisfied woman.
Yes, he will do it again. That’s clear to me. I also know that she’ll never find out. Just a feeling.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh Cleo,
Our stories are sadly similar…:(
I was just at the Sunset Marquis bar 2 weeks ago catching one of my friends up on the latest betrayal.
Holding your hand virtually…(PS. After the Sociopath’s (that’s what I’m calling my soon to be ex) first affair, I felt the same; loved him so much I was willing to fight & fight hard. I think that’s why I am done, too after the latest affair; I put all my fight into the last one & have nothing left. I have no love for this Sociopath. Just for my babies will I do my best.
S,
Great bar, no? I’d like to go back now. It would feel okay. And the encounters there are always worth the jacked up price of a cocktail.
Thank you for walking with me here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful love story. I know it must not have been easy to write that all down. Some love stories last a lifetime and some don’t. Just because one isn’t a lifetime love doesn’t make it any less of a great love story.
I know it is hard to see through all that has happened now and all the feelings of loss you must have, but you are very fortunate to have experienced this kind of love. Sometimes things need to be destroyed so that something better can be built in its place. And that is what is going to happen for you.
I feel your loss my friend but I also know that you are going to move on from this loss and find something even more wonderful and real.
D
D,
You are such a voice of reason! And grounding love and support. I don’t yet feel grateful to have loved The Genius. Gosh, I’m not sure when that can happen. But I completely understand what you are saying. I have to say, I don’t want to give him the satisfaction. It’s that simple. I can feel it here. I can write about it here. But I don’t want to give him the satisfaction that I look might one day look back fondly on our time together.
Eventually I will let go of that when I am finally at a place where I feel I was always meant to be. I am not there. I am here. And here is beautiful, even with all its heartache.
Thank you, love you, owe you. Big time.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
It’s a journey. I would be more worried if you were able to be grateful now. Sure, you are hurt now, reeling from what he has done, what he has destroyed. It’s only natural that you can’t feel grateful about it.
About giving him satisfaction, I can understand why you don’t want to and that’s fine, I certainly wouldn’t be either, but do know that this really isn’t about him anymore, it’s about you.
It’s about what you do now on your journey after experiencing this awful betrayal.
If you are focused on him I am a little afraid that you lose that the point here is you. I’ve not been in this situation before but I have been hurt by people who were supposed to love me unconditionally. And what I learned is that in order to truly move on, to not live in your hurt and believe me it is possible to take up residence there, and build a life which looks good from the outside, you will, when you are ready need to find a way to forgive the Genius for what he did. Forgiving doesn’t mean you have to accept, like or forget what he did, it only means that you are not going to let it rule your life. You are going to let go of it.
For years I was afraid to let go. I was afraid if I let go I would have nothing else to hold onto, that I would be adrift and alone and miserable. One day it just came to me while sitting alone at a cafe looking at the sun dance off the Mediterranean Sea, that holding on was way more difficult than letting go. It made my head ache, my joints were stiff and sore from standing in the same position all the time. It was in that moment, and I remember it all so clearly, that I just decided to let go of it, to let the Med wash it out to sea like some old seaweed. And you know what? For the first time in what seemed like forever, I could move, I wasn’t sore or aching.
You need to give yourself time to mourn for what you have lost but also to give yourself time to allow it to truly become about you and not about whether or not you give satisfaction to the Genius. It sucks because you are still raising kids together and can’t just be free of him. But Cleo, you can do it. Look at how many people are pulling for you. Just keep going.
You are a fantastic and inspirational woman.
D
D,
YOU are an inspiration! It is the love and support I feel here at HGM that powers me through tough times. That makes me look deeper, excavate more even when I am so done with excavating. Without HGM I would have moved forward each day, soul-searched and tried to get back to my self, to love myself again. But, you and everyone here at HGM keep me honest. That’s the greatest gift I have received throughout this whole journey. I am digging deeper than ever, being more honest than ever and, as a result, growing by leaps and bounds. I have you to thank.
I’m so very grateful.
“…do know that this really isn’t about him anymore, it’s about you.” Priceless, and so aptly timed.
It’s about me. I only have to interact with him, I don’t have to walk with him. So if I am spending time pondering The Genius it’s because I am unwilling to look at something within myself that needs attention.
I love it when you point my nose in the right direction. Thank you. Love you. Owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
Thanks for sharing your love story. It was wonderful to understand where you are coming from, the seed of your story.
I felt that intense, overwhelming attraction to my ex when we first met. It was a magical feeling, IS a magical feeling when we find someone who mirrors our love even when it does not last.
The love you felt for The Genius remains a part of you. No one can take away your capacity to love. And it seems that the love you felt for The Genius is conveyed here, on the screen by your efforts and hard work at keeping up with HGM, and keeping its readers, enlightened. You are helping us take a deeper look at ourselves, at our own situations.
After I realized my ex was gay, I was able to accept him for who he was and I learned to love him again in a different way. And, later, I found that intense love again with my currrent husband. Oh, we have our ups and downs, but the love runs strong like a current, pulsing underneath the water’s surface.
You will find your way.
Thanks again for sharing your life and insight.
benny
B,
“It was a magical feeling, IS a magical feeling when we find someone who mirrors our love even when it does not last.”
Yes, it is a magical feeling. One that I miss. So deeply. I want to be in love again. I want to be there now. But I don’t feel that I will be able to trust it’s for real. Not yet, maybe not ever? I just don’t know. I imagine that with the work I am doing on developing my intuition I may discover that I can have better discernment in the future.
But I might have some patterns to break first.
Thank you, B. I love having you here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I am not good at writing. But I have been following your blog and I feel that I need to at least drop a note to let you know how incredible you are and we are all rooting for you. I cried when I read about your love for Genius. If virtual hugs and prayers can help heal your broken heart, do know that many are being sent your way. It is scary and painful going back to revisit those memories and feelings. But each time you do it and hold yourself together with love, it will get easier and you will heal. One day you will be able to visit it and not be cut into pieces by the pain.
S
S,
Tears fall as I read your words. You are a good writer. You made me cry. Although word on the street is that I’m crying a lot lately, it still takes a well crafted comment to bring me to tears, and yours has done just that. Thank you. It will get easier and easier over time and I will have a fulfilling life that isn’t interrupted daily by a broken heart.
Thank you so much for being here. Please stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
“I loved that man with every part of my being. I wouldn’t have stayed as long as I did if my love for him wasn’t so deep. If our relationship was a full pint of Guinness, an ounce of love evaporated every year, for 16 years, until that pint glass sat dry and stained on the night of The Pocket Call. It’s last ounce vaporized when I heard the clicking of high heels.”
“Loving the Genius” sounds uncannily like the beginning of my life with my own musician husband (married 30 years when I found out about his third affair–that I know of–last year). It’s mind-boggling how things went downhill, almost imperceptibly, since we were so intertwined in the beginning. And it’s so deeply painful to feel totally dead toward him after having a love that was so intense, one that produced a beautiful daughter who is now almost
N,
“And it’s so deeply painful to feel totally dead toward him after having a love that was so intense…” It is, m’lady. So painful. I feel like I squandered an opportunity to have pure bliss. But, in reality, it wasn’t possible. As I process all these thoughts and feelings I come to rest upon certain conclusions. One recent conclusion is that I loved his soul deeply, but his person, his 3D incarnation? I looked past that straight to the soul. It’s not his soul that destroyed our love, it was his human self. And I didn’t give that self enough credit. I ignored the human flaws, figuring they would transform as he grew to live a more soul-centered life.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. And for being here. I feel the connection.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Just read from beginning tonight, should have been sleeping but breaking up sometimes means not sleeping. So much resonated with me, I’ll have to go back again and make notes. Thank you.
One simple suggestion, in your navigation add a “Start at the Beginning” link to the first post making it easy for someone new, it was a little hard to bounce around and find on my own.
M,
Thanks for the tip on the navigation. I will work on that. You’re not the first person who has told me they get lost. Until I get it fixed, come back to the home age and use the navigation by month. I also have to fix my RSS feed. Technology makes me break out in hives!!!
So glad HGM resonates with you and I’m very happy you’re here. Sleep when you can, wake when you need, just be gentle with yourself.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I have much to say, but I think Pema Chodron, a Buddhist teacher, says it best from her book “When Things Fall Apart”:
“No feeling is ever final. Everything can fall apart. We all feel what is happening now will last forever, but feeling your worst is the end of something and the beginning of something else.”
Best,
T
T,
Thank you for sharing that beautiful and so true quote. Nothing is permanent. But living fully in the moment allows me to experience joy instead of wondering/worrying about what the future holds.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
My heart broke for you reading that. Im so sorry you have to go through this. I want to reach out through the internet and give you a hug. Thank you for sharing with us. Be strong. You can get through this.
~L
L,
A appreciate your support and will take your virtual hug and clone it a thousand times over. I’m committed to being proud of how I flow through this experience. I am not willing to accept anything less because I know I can do it. Your words of support confirm my thoughts. I can. I can. And I will.
Love yourself,
Cleo
L,
A appreciate your support and will take your virtual hug and clone it a thousand times over. I’m committed to being proud of how I flow through this experience. I am not willing to accept anything less because I know I can do it. Your words of support confirm my thoughts. I can. I can. And I will.
Love yourself,
Cleo
That was painful to read, knowing how painfully it ended. And I’m sure it was a thousand times harder for you to write. You’re one brave woman to go back to those times. And to share it.
Do you think a part of you had checked out after the Shamrock lady? So, perhaps finding out about the Happy Dance Chick was merely the other shoe dropping? Oh, I’m sure it was more than just a shock to you to receive the Pocket Call but I wonder if there was a part of you that expected this to happen that’s why that pint of Guinness was all but tapped out?
My mom has always said forgiving your partner goes hand in hand with forgetting–something she had to do over and over again with my father. But I wonder, really wonder, if my mom every managed to forget and consequently forgiving. Or do you just become numb to it?
G,
It was hard but so very worth the pain. I noticed I had less patience for The Genius these last few days, so it did stir up stuff that knocked me around a bit. But it also allowed me to shed some pain. There was no stopping our marriage, so I can’t really have any regrets about marrying The Genius. I have to believe that it was destined. My journey here was to include that marriage and the resulting devastation. I only hope it leads to greener pastures.
I didn’t check out after The Shamrock, but I did lose my ability to trust him. I never trusted him after that. I never went into the countless times that I had to talk to him about relationships with women that were inappropriate, which did nothing to ease my concerns. So, I likely lost the trust then. Unconsciously I feel I knew it was only a matter of time before I found out that he cheated on me again. But consciously I hoped that he had matured. Silly girl, maturing’s for kids who want to grow up!
I might need to understand better what forgiving means. To me, in this particular case, it means letting him off the hook. As soon as I forgive him he’ll be The Genius – Man Who Can Do No Wrong again. (Boy, does he do no wrong.) It doesn’t feel right to have him in that place because of me. No one holds him accountable for ANYTHING. I am the only person on the planet that interacts with him who doesn’t kiss his derriere. Forgive The Genius. Geez. I may need a week in Namibia and the most torrid affair with a delicious, attentive, funny, smart, handsome man to make forgiveness possible. In other words, a real metamorphosis needs to occur on my end for me to get there.
I feel as if I am on my way to letting go. I don’t think about The Happy Dance Chick at all. She means nothing to me. It was his betrayal of his commitment to me and the boys that I still struggle with, but I’m making progress daily. I won’t become numb to it. I can’t. I have to live the most plugged in, present and electric life possible out of respect for the gift that life is.
As always, thank you for being here, you bright light.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You are an amazing, beautiful person. I can only imagine how difficult this must have been to write. You moved me to tears. What a beautiful and inspiring story, one that is important to remember even given the heartbreak that you are feeling right now. I applaud you for sharing in such a raw fashion and as always, can’t wait to hear from you again soon. Take care of yourself…and remember, we are all here!
A,
You are so kind. Thank you. I will take the time to reread that post so I can come to a place of peace with all that has transpired since the day I first met The Genius. It has been outrageously hard dealing with him these past few days, so it will be a great exercise in rising above the din to get back to the flow of a life centered in love. Thank you. Love you. Owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Stellar post! Just stellar. But this, this delicious nugget…[Thank you for giving me the push I needed to acknowledge the love I had for for him and to appreciate the good times we had together. Don’t worry, I know how to put myself back together again.] was just for me :p – GENIUS , no pun intended. THANK YOU luv!
L,
You are so very welcome. And thank you for being here. Knowing I could get through that post and come out whole was a huge deal for me. I celebrated it.
Love yourself,
Cleo
When you decide to love again, do you think you’d like to fall in love or experience love the same way? Have your views changed on how love is done at all?
S,
So in tune you are…your question is the heart of my post tonight. So you shall have your answers…once I find them. Where are those little buggers…
Love yourself,
Cleo