As Halloween approaches, the sky welcomes back the clouds. The sun paints them orange and red, purple and yellow, and leaves dusky blue for the thick, whipped fog that hugs the ridge on the mountains as it moves east. Those same mountains tumbling west, tapering into dunes that meet the ocean at Limantour. The land between me and the beach shrinks, because I will it to do so, and I imagine the waves meeting the curb that leads to the driveway, bringing to me a sound I crave. I miss the coast.
Fall is in the air and on the ground. The smell of leaves drying underfoot, where they land after parting ways with the limbs that supported them resolutely when water was scarce, and the ever so slow greening of the hills as moisture makes its way to us from the sea. The boys talk of trick-or-treating and Christmas relentlessly. Costume choices change minute by minute, and the list of gifts desired from Santa grows longer by the day.
Grilling makes way for roasting, salads step aside for soups, sweaters aren’t just for nights anymore. Fires in the fireplace, cocoa, adventures to find cider donuts and caramel apples, hands slick with pumpkin guts as the near-toothless grin of a Jack O’ Lantern emerges. Cocooning is instinctual. The lazy days (non-stop swimming, hiking, beach-combing) filled with summer’s heat turn into romantic nights that slowly build toward the holidays, culminating in that midnight kiss that turns the calender from one year to the next.
The memories of this time last year are unlike any fall I’ve ever experienced. Pain and uncertainty, betrayal, and a life lost forever blur the months that used to be magic to me. The stress of that time lays heavy in the air around me. My shoulders are so tight. My head hurts. I spent Saturday losing the battle with tears determined to ride my face.
The park was full of families grilling by the side of a creek that day. The boys played on a rope swing, flying over a bend of water that will soon grow from shallow to deep as the rains come. Children scampered on a play structure, sliding down the fire pole, climbing up the slides, peeling off to hit the swings or a piñata.
The little dude had a few close calls with the mounting of the swing, once nearly sending me off the edge of the bank. I would have survived, but it would have smarted. I was already aching, inside and out, and felt like I was taking away their fun by not being more carefree on the dusty edge of the bank. Being on edge was not playing well with literally being on the edge. Deciding a game of freeze tag was in order, the little dude led the way across the creek and up the other bank. We hopped the fence and joined the half dozen children staking out territory on the playground.
The little dude took one look back and raced off with me in hot pursuit. We weaved around the slides, between the picnic area and the fence, through some trees and back to the sandbox before I tagged him.
You’re frozen!
He took off running.
Hey! You’re frozen!
No, I’m not…I have super powers! His ocean blue eyes squinted, not from the sunlight, but from the size of his smile as he sped off, taking to a ladder that led him up and out of sight.
I was melancholy. I only get to do this twice a month now. Not every weekend. I don’t have someone I can wrap my arms around as I watch the boys make new friends, invent games and get dirty. When they aren’t with me, I am alone. No insta-family, no big dinner to cook for Thanksgiving. Dating? It goes something like this:
Are you free on Saturday?
No, I have the boys. Free Wednesday?
No, I have the girls.
That’s been the conversations as of late with Mr. Triathlete. We haven’t seen each other since mid-August. Neither one of us are willing to give up time with our children since it’s already so limited. And we don’t believe introducing them is a good idea. So we text and talk occasionally and wait for the schedules to settle.
My active time has been spent in the pool lately. Great for my body, not great for my social life. As an aside, a kitten’s comment to a prior post prompted (peter picked a peck of pickled peppers) me to try on my wedding dress. I’m thinking of donating it to a theater group to be used as a costume (fitting, no?), so I decided to don it one last time. The dress hung off my frame. It could lose 2 inches on each side, in some places three. I was not expecting that. I weigh the same as I did when I got married, but my body is completely different.
Swimming gets all the credit.
But being face down in water is not a great position for encounters, the part of life that brings such joy. I felt lonely as we departed the park. The idea of heading home and making dinner made me cry. I needed to be out among people, I thought. So we went to a local restaurant for dinner. One with TVs visible from the booths so I could lose myself in playoff baseball and college football. Looking up at the TVs mounted near the ceiling helped to keep the tears floating over my eyes, instead of spilling down my cheeks. That worked until it came time to cut the little dude’s food. Tears watered down the tarter sauce for his fish and chips.
The tall dude slid out of his seat and came over to hug me. He gives such a solid bear hug for a seven year old. When he’s 21 and 6’5″, the roles will be reversed and my head will be on his heart, but today he listened to mine beat.
Thank you, honey. So much. I’m okay. Just a little sad. My heart hurts.
What’s making your heart hurt?
I don’t really know. Except that it’s nothing you’ve done. I’m just a little blue today.
He went back to his seat, immediately distracted by a commercial for a Chinese fortune cookie maker, which, upon further reflection, I totally want, while I pondered his question.
I have no idea why I’m sad. The tears are on remote control. I cannot stop them. My goal of soaking in some positive, happy, sports-watching energy failed as I emitted simply too much sadness for bi-directional flow.
That night HGM received a comment from M, with timing as perfect as Pippa’s derriere:
“I love this: “Optimism is the oxygen of life.” As well as the part about you creating your own magic. If everyone realized the power, the opportunity, in creating their own magic — well, what a wonderful, empowered, creative society we’d be.”
I seemed to have forgotten about that whole create your own magic morsel. The beating the tall dude heard when his head was against my chest? It wasn’t my heart beating. It was my heart knocking to be let out.
I expected the anniversary of the Pocket Call to be a day to tough it out, but I didn’t expect the walk down memory lane to be a block by block tour de force.
After a night’s sleep that was interrupted by the little dude wanting to snuggle, my energy was quiet today. Which allowed for some deep reflection. I need a theme. A theme song, for sure, but a theme for my week to help me remain centered. This week the theme is:
Optimism with Action; Making the Magic
Tomorrow I have a date with a girl. And I’m totally getting to second base. How’s that for optimism and action in an effort to make magic?
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m sorry for your pain. Thanks for letting it be and owning it with the dudes.
And thanks for quoting me — I’m just shining your light back on you. I am totally stealing that optimism=oxygen quote for my installation (next month I will be installed as President of my Assoc. of REALTORS (R). The theme is Cycles of Success. Of course it features bikes, yet it’s not about the bike.)
Breathe in, hold it, exhale. Your truth surrounds you. The boys will keep you grounded; your kittens will cheer you on and hold you accountable. You da bomb, sweetie!
M,
Congratulations! That’s fabulous. Pain is good – I’d prefer it come with a mountain attached, however. Thank you for being here, M.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I wish I Had a “Cleonade” or better, a “Cleotini” to sip while reading this post. The Cleotini is the drink I am making from lemons
I am traveling all day today and night – work trip first time away from my children over night because my OLG has no overnights with them (his choice btw). But I digress,.. This was a lovely post. Thank you. I am ready to create my own magic as well and have spent most of this transatlantic time reading some books on moving on (which is why I think e kittens should write our own Guide… Much better stuff here!)
I too approach the one year anniversary of the revelations… It’s been a Geary time for me as we’ll. These anniversaries are tough. MOLG has the girls for Thanksgiving and our former anniversary is the next day..it’s a lot. Honor those tears, they are cleansing your wounds and opening the door to new magic.
Two things I want to share- I just read a passage about getting unstuck. The author suggested first honoring your thoughts, and then inviting the painful ones to leave. I like this. Say Hello ! Maybe thank them for letting you know you are feeling an emotion that needs out, then inviting them to be on their not so merry way because you have things to give gratitude for and magic to make.
The other was- when the past is keeping you stuck, realize its a closed door. It’s done. Gone.over.norhing good behind that door!!!! Ask your heart and mind if it might be ready to open another door.
I hope these might help you as I think they will help me.
Hugs,
Caitlin
C,
Thank you so much for sharing these words! I envisioned myself tugging on a door handle, feeling as if my hands were glued to it, only to realize that it will not open no matter how hard I pull, and all I have to do is let go. No glue. Just let go. It’s time to let go of thoughts, people, habits, and attitudes that stand between me and my dreams.
I really do want it all. Not in a gluttonous or greedy way, but just the right amount of ‘all’.
Your words always help, C. Keep ‘em coming.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I had a tough weekend myself and was searching for strength deep in my belly because I thought I had run out in my heart. I listened to this bad boy a couple times… then a couple more. Then I put my hands above my head and let the energy flow up my arms like my own tall skyscraper. Imagining myself as a concrete structure resting in the clouds made me feel strong and then I remembered… I am.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQ3r-rXUABI
Chin up beauty, you’re killing it.
E,
I imagined you stretched tall, grounded in strength, fingertips touching clouds. Tickling them. Then laughing. A beautiful sight for sure.
It’s time to stand tall and proud – even if my legs feel shaky. Thank you for being here and for sharing this song. Beautiful. As are you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m SO right there with you Cleo! Yesterday would have been our 17 year wedding anniversary and this time 17 years ago, we were on a plane to our honeymoon in beautiful St Lucia. It’s been 4 years since he left and while not being with him has gotten much easier, not being an “intact family” has not. “They” say it takes 1 year for every 5 years you were together to get over your ex. That would have put me at 3 years to recover from him. I’d say it probably took me closer to 4 due to his HDC adding a new level of drama to our already painful situation.
But that damn “loss of a family” thing never seems to get easier. Like you, I find myself watching other families and especially other young moms–longing for the more simple times when my days were filled with outings to the park, naptimes and wondering what I would fix for dinner. Not that I was really all that happy then, but I was content and I did *think* that my life was pretty damn good (apparently my ex did not and so he set out to make it better…for himself).
Four years later and I still sometimes break out into tears at the oddest moments. I’ve learned to just accept those moments just as I would if someone had died and I missed them terribly from time to time. And again, I’m not really missing HIM, just the life I had with him and my boys. I guess I could try to soldier through those tender moments and tell myself I shouldn’t be crying…that it could be worse, but it feels sad to me so I’m going to honor my feelings from time to time.
I do have a boyfriend that I’ve dated for the past 3 years and don’t get me wrong, he is wonderful and my boys love him, but it’s not the same. When we go out as a family of 5, it doesn’t feel the same as when it was my “old family” of 5. Sometimes he doesn’t get it–he says “but we have our little family and we do lots of things together”. I guess I can’t really put it into words for him but I’m sure others here understand.
I am still constantly shocked and amazed at how similar everyone’s stories are here but I’m guessing the reason all of our “Geniuses” are so similar is because it’s a coping mechanism on their part of how they excuse what they have done. Downplay what they had with us and make what they now have with their HDC’s the end-all-be-all so they believe they have made the right decision.
This has all left me wondering…if cheating is SO common (it’s thought that upwards of 80% of all married men cheat…and women too) what is the answer here? If ALL the women you interviewed awhile back told you they weren’t happy or satisfied in their marriages, what do we do about that as a society? Because whatever we are currently doing is clearly not working! I always say if you worked at a company and you were testing out a product and it failed at least 50% of the time, you would in NO WAY say that it was successful right? So what the hell is the answer? Do we all just keep repeating the same actions expecting a different result? Isn’t that the definition of insanity?? LOL
Sorry for my rambling today–I was just feeling especially raw yesterday and then you posted this and I felt your pain too and I just had to get it out. Thanks for allowing me this outlet Cleo and I hope you are able to find happiness again today.
N,
Ramble on! I’m so sorry for the delay in replying to your comment. I am feeling much better, with a more present smile, and greater ease. I feel more grounded. Better able to ponder your questions…
Why do we suck at marriage?
Tonight, as I sat under a pitch black sky, with a sliver of a moon descending towards Limantour, I tried to come up with some ideas. Like Mr. Jumpshot when I asked him if he ever had a good writing session on relationships, my hands bopped around trying to wring the ideas out of the air, but eventually one hand fell in my lap and the other twizzled the ends of my hair as I tried to pull stars out of the black night.
I’m not giving up though. It will be a post soon. And is a key theme in the book. I’m really hoping the kittens take some time to ponder your questions, N, and put forth some wisdom here. Thank you for being so honest. It helps so much to know that feeling pain long after the docs are signed is normal. Letting yourself be sad is healthy. And moving on in joy is our reward. Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
These types of days will come further and further apart and the time it takes to process the sadness will get shorter and shorter. Think of them like the waves you encountered on your bay swim. They hold you up for a moment and then pass. Sometimes giving you something and sometimes taking something away but you still move forward. You know you can’t really fight a wave, you just have to hold on until it passes, and it always does. Then you resume your swim and reflect on what the wave was telling you.
D,
Beautiful analogy! Thank you for taking the time to craft those words and share them with us. They really resonate with me. After reading them again, my breath draws in deep and easy. I feel settled. I LOVE waves. We work well together. I’m really grateful you dre that connection for me.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Beautiful post, Cleo. I was struck by so many great images and aha’s, but want to zero in on the annual reflection piece. Just as your memory of last year at this time and how lost you felt (sucker punch, anyone?) stands in contrast to your strength and clarity (yes, even through the tears on remote, you are one clear woman!) this season. And I can only imagine the reflections you’ll have a year from now looking back at this moment in time. Oh, honey, it will be good. I don’t know if the sadness will go away or the deep ache of not being with your children all the time or imagining those ‘intact family’ bbqs across the park as being something you don’t get anymore, but you are actively creating a really positive, healthy life for your family.
L,
Tears flow. Thank you, L. I’m grateful for the strength I received last year. It was delivered to me at a time when I couldn’t manufacture it on my own. And now the Universe wants to see me take the reins. I can feel it. It’s as if a Board of Directors floats above me, waiting for me – the CEO of all thing Cleo – to execute my business (life) plan.
It’s on me to make the magic. I just wish I could have gotten a tropical vacation to kick off the labor-intensive season of reinvention.
Thank you for being here and for lifting me up when I most need it. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Just like your son, you are not frozen, and you have superpowers as well, optimism being just one of the tools in your arsenal (along with resilience, strength, and vulnerability, among many others). These superpowers will no doubt help shepherd you through the inevitable processing phases of divorce, when you recognize and let go of the shape your life used to have and settle into (perhaps revel in?) the one it now has.
Enjoy your girl date! A year and half past my separation from my ex, I’m not quite ready to date men again, but I have found myself going out with lots of women friends (both single and married/in relationships), and it’s helped me not only combat the loneliness of weekends without my daughter, but also build a sense of connectedness and community…a lovely new start to this stage of my life. (My theme song these days is “Now Is the Start” by A Fine Frenzy — free Single of the Week download on iTunes this week.
Nic
N,
Great song! Thank you for sharing and for your words of support. And for drawing the connection between the little dude’s freeze tag rules and the message that was being sent through that rascal. Change up the game. New rules. And lots of tools to really live this gift out hard. Of course, in a compassionate and open-hearted way.
But hard, too.
I’ll be writing about two dates in the morning, one with Mr. Triathlete. You know N, encounters are pretty cool. No dating necessary, but just as much of a thrill! When you’re ready… Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I work in health care. When I am feeling sad and overwhelmed, the sick and elderly people I encounter through my job lift me up with their strength, optimism, resilience, grace in the face of death and their ability to still find some joy in even the smallest gesture.
What also helps is making myself do things that I enjoy, such as kayaking, even when I hesitate, drag my heels, on a beautiful day.
I admire your determination to persevere, keep writing, reaching out. We all face change. Not all change is pleasant, but we learn from it if we keep moving forward.
Kudos to you, Cleo. You are stronger than you were a year ago. Know that your tears are not in vain.
benny june
The saying goes, “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.”
B,
Oh, thank you. Especially for sharing the words about those who have more wisdom that I do. Having appreciation for every little nuance of life is such a valuable and supportive way to be. I truly value the opportunity I am being gifted during this challenging time. I can be overwhelmed, sad, feeling as if I can’t make it all happen, or I can be brave and fearless, present in the moment to make sound decisions, and choosing to see the magic and not the roadblocks.
The strength that got me through the first act of this journey needs to grow in a new way to get me through act two. Your words are helping to make that happen. Thank you for them and for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
This is the part that sometimes messes with us. Grief is normal. Loss is loss. Death, divorce, breakups, change of any kind, really, are losses. While your optimism is noble and maybe even admirable, please consider that sadness is a part of grieving, and you are in a grief process (simultaneously growing). Sad just wants to be felt (your heart wants to heal). So, let’er rip. Connect for a few minutes (or longer) with the sadness; just don’t stay stuck in it. Identify it. Acknowledge it. Feel it. Give it some characteristics. (Then work it out; hike, swim, climb, run…) Most likely once it’s felt, it will have served its purpose and subside. If sad returns, it will return different somehow; ready to reveal the next task, plan, dream or vision.
Maybe one day Tall Dude is ready for something like, “mommy is sad today. I thought for a long time that things were going to be one way, and then it turned out that they weren’t that way at all. Every once in a while, I feel sad when I’m reminded of how I thought it would be. But, I’m going to be okay. So are you. So are we”.
Because of circumstances regarding timing, you might consider that these next few months could be fairly tricky to navigate. Grief is grief. The anniversary of the Pocket Call likely won’t be your worst – you are anticipating it. The worst are the surprise bad days – much like you had recently.
I am regularly inspired by your work. Your courage is admirable.
Thank you.
G,
Thank you for taking the time to comment with such supportive and kind words. As I read your comment I was transported back to Saturday, feeling those same emotions. One thing struck me – I felt very alive. Really present. In observation mode. That is a gift, even if accompanied by tears.
I’m hopeful that all my observing was for a good cause; easing the way for me over these next few months. A little advanced preparation.
Your words inspire me, G. Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I was beginning to wonder if I would ever find the grace in myself that you have displayed through this mess. I’m relieved to know I’m not the only one who has days like this. Sometimes I feel like fighting the tears is a full time job. Other days I wonder why I haven’t cried more. On those rougher days, I have struggled with what to say to my girls when they see me sad and can’t fix it. “My heart hurts.” Thats PERFECT! I can predict the conversations twenty years from now as they remember the year mom was crazy and cried for what appeared to be no reason, and I know that things will have gotten so much better that we will laugh about the nights we ate cereal for dinner and how I fluffed the laundry in the dryer every morning because I hadn’t folded it yet. I wake up every morning thankful for my own HDC because she gave my Genius the opportunity to show me who I was sleeping next to all those years. That woman, as vile as she is, is my angel. She set me free from what I’m sure would have been a life of disappointment. Nonetheless, the tears keep coming. I can’t wait to get past this year of firsts! Thanks so much for sharing about this day. You give me hope.
C –
I’ve been reading your blog since the beginning, and while I can’t relate to what you’ve been through. I take every word you write to heart. I eagerly await every post – checking from home & work. Your strength inspires me, and drives me to want more for myself & for my future family. My post serves as nothing more, but I hope at least, as a Thank You, for being so brave, and for letting all of us be a part.
I can’t wait to see what amazing things await you!
Much Love,
KM
K,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and for your kind words that help to motivate me to stay on track! I’ve never been more challenged as I am these days. So many changes are flooding toward me. I can label them as good or bad, but I’ll simply leave it as changes. Being brave is a required trait, and with the support from all of you I am hopeful that I will emerge unscathed with two happy boys as we continue on this journey.
I’m not quite feeling up to the task, but that can shift if I quiet the mind and come from the heart. Your support means so much to me. Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hey, Cleo. Just sending this because I forgot to check the box to be notified of follow up comments when I sent my comment. Haha! It’s making me send another to correct it.
I read my words to you and realized that hearing (reading) them from you brought them freshly alive again. Thanks for re-inspiring me — your timing is spot-on. Thanks for the gift of you.
D,
I know exactly what you mean! The comments from kittens remind me to live my words and the words of the kittens. The need for repetition is always a stunner for me. I need to hear and read wisdom over and over for it to sink in. It surprises me and then I realize that it’s what life is all about. Reaffirmation of that which we know so we can become fluid, consciously competent.
It takes a lifetime. So I’m grateful I have a lifetime to perfect me. Thank you, D.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Well crap…not sure how many of you here read the Momastery blog by Glennon but she just found out her “perfect” husband has been having an affair
She’s back where you were last year Cleo and where I was 4 years ago and I SO feel for her because that time was such a huge black hole of pain and raw emotion for me and my boys and I know exactly what she is going through right now. I just feel sad for her…that’s all. And I know so many of you here have also been where she is and feel her pain. Man this shit SUCKS!
http://momastery.com/blog/2012/10/16/momascary/
N,
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I had not read her blog, but reacted as if she were my sister. It’s just so sad that infidelity exists. Call me Unicorn, but it just doesn’t have to happen. It doesn’t have to happen. Hearts don’t have to be torched, children don’t have to wonder why Mommy can’t stop crying, or why Daddy hates women now. It just doesn’t have to happen.
Wow. I just got really pissed off. And that’s a VERY good thing. Thank you, N. You made my day, odd as that might sound. I needed to let a little steam off. You feel sad for her, and I’m going to take pissed. Now, we need someone really hilarious to take on the part of her that is about to feel so free. Free is great, but funny and free is so much better.
I hope she comes here…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Well of course I left her a link to your blog Cleo
And you may be getting more hits than usual because of it. When I say that her blog is popular, I mean UBER popular. Her facebook page has 46,500 “likes” if that gives you any idea how huge she is. Her heart is made of pure gold too. She does these “flash mobs” for people in need–once she raised $20,000 in 8 hours only allowing us to each donate $10 (and no more than that)–all for a mom of 8 dying of pancreatic cancer who had never taken a vacation with her husband and kids…like never. She got the vacation of a lifetime because of Glennon and her “monkees” (her version of kittens). She’s just an amazing person and of course it goes without saying that she in no way deserves this (but really who does ever deserve it right???) And how’s this for a kick in the ass–her first book that she finally finished was delivered to her the day after she found out about her husband’s affair (she said she didn’t even open it). So not only did he cheat but he robbed her of her pride and excitement she SHOULD have had over her amazing accomplishment. Here’s to hoping her book sells like wildfire and she makes WAY more money than he could ever dream of!
N,
You are so sweet. And she is such a beautiful being!
I was struck by these words: “it goes without saying that she in no way deserves this (but really who does ever deserve it right???)”
What if it’s not the worst thing, but the best thing that happens to her? She would then deserve that, for sure. I agree completely that divorce is like experiencing a death. Betrayal is finding out you were lied to right up until death, given no voice to alter the outcome before it all flat-lines. But there’s beauty in death. Honesty is rewarded. Bravery and grace in the face of divorce is the foundation for one rock-solid new skyscraper of a life.
I’m so grateful she has an amazing group of people that support and love her. No one deserves it more. Thank you for sharing her story with us.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, your words here remind me of a beautiful poem by Mary Oliver, “The Uses of Sorrow”:
Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift.
N,
BEAUTIFUL! Thank you for sharing this simple, moving poem. Gifts come in all shapes, sizes and degrees of brightness.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hey – I read an article on this the other day (I’m kind of obsessed with all things divorce as I navigate my own sad sorry mess). It may help to read:http://www.yourtango.com/experts/laura-campbell/sucker-punch
Keep smiling. Hugs from my boys always help
L,
Yes, the sucker punch. That’s why I do so many planks!
Cuddled for an hour on the couch with the boys today. Lots of hugs and kisses and back rubs. They are so good to me. Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Lindsay– YES…That article so succinctly puts into words what I STILL have a hard time with even 4 years after my divorce! I used to call them “car accidents”. Some days they’d be little fender benders and other days they’d be head on collisions. But I can SO relate to the author and her college search sadness. I had something similar this week…my oldest son is going to his first homecoming in 9th grade. Long story short, my ex lives in our former (very nice and large) house with his Happy Dance Chick (and trust me, that’s JUST what she had planned when she sought him out!). Anyway, I gave all that up just to wash my hands of it all and get a fresh start–I moved into my own townhouse with my boys. Don’t get me wrong, I love my townhouse, but I felt a wave of anger and sadness that SHE is now in MY old house with him and I can’t give my son a place to have a homecoming party like I could have if I still lived in my old house (it has a gorgeous back yard backing to the woods and a pool etc…). I just felt like this was NOT what I had imagined years ago when I pictured my son’s first dance with me and my husband standing in our back yard holding hands and looking on as he and his friends laughed and had fun getting ready to leave for the dance. UGH
Thanks for the article though. In some odd way, it always does help to know we’re not alone in all of this!
N,
The word ‘inspiration’ kept coming up as I read your comment, N. These circumstances should serve to inspire us to be unconventional in our celebrations of life’s big moments. Thank you for relating this story about your son’s homecoming party. It’s fired up my desire to be unconventional.
Loving that. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hello I just found ur blog from google, just started reading it I need help I am drowning in my own tears about a year and a half ago a woman came in to my life an turned it 360o degrees. She was the mother of my husbands mistress I had a beautiful 20 year marriage to find out my husband had a 2 year affair I am still shocked I try to stay strong for my kids but I am sinking please help need some wisdom!!
F,
Thank you for taking the time to let us know you are here. I’m so grateful you found HGM. You will receive so much support from the kittens, I assure you. Read their words and you will be able to understand, to a degree, what you may experience as you work through this most difficult time. And you know I’m always here for you.
While sinking, you still have a choice as to how you take your next step. Sinking is such an apt metaphor. When sad, angry, scared, I always feel like I’m on the edge of black void. If I fall in I’m living in limbo forever. I don’t want to live in limbo. I need to make sound choices that measure up to, or lead me to achieve, my goals. When I chose to be strong, the ground firms to meet my stance. Things start to work more smoothly. All this takes time. But you can start making these choices now. And you will start seeing results immediately. You’ll feel a little lighter. A little more resilient. You’ll start seeing more signs and opportunities to be grateful.
Choose what feels good. If it feels good cry. If it feels bad to have imaginary conversations with your husband, trying all your best lines to score, don’t do it. Consciously choose to do only that which feels good. That’s all that matters right now. That you love yourself. One way to do that is to do what feels good.
Choose to be strong. Put yourself first. Then your children. And for now, no one else. Let all those who love you come to your aid. Accept their support, and seek help when you need it. You’ll feel things shift, new challenges will present themselves, and you will have to consciously choose to be strong and do what feels good each and every day to meet them bravely. I promise you, you will be flat out amazed by what you are capable of achieving. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo
This post is so beautifully written and oh so poignant to me. The change of seasons, the park full of families, the melancholy, the looming holidays. Ugh, I am experiencing/dreading all of it. But I love that you always end on such a positive note. Just sitting here at my desk I felt a wave of optimism about my future wash over me and almost light me up. I will be better off without a husband who is cheating on me – how could I not be? I no longer mourn him or even what we had, just what I thought I had. And also my innocence and blind trust which I can’t imagine I’ll ever get back. But I also like what I am learning about myself through this nightmare. Thanks to you and your readers for making me feel not so alone – whenever I read HGM I am struck (and saddened) that I am in very good company.
Hope your week got better…
Hi C!
Had a quick thought as I was reading about the boys… Take time to center yourself when boys are not home with you. You need this space as much as they need to see TG right now. As they grow a bit, they will most likely become involved in sports (or fill in the blank with another activity) that involve your time on weekends. This will happen before you blink, trust me! When the time arrives, you will be there for them, this I know! The pure tactical arrangement it takes to transport 2 kids to 2 different practices is incredible! You will be doing this each weekend of each sporting season! Sometimes I leave the house before I realize I forgot to scrub my teeth as I shuttle my kids around! Now is the time for you to absorb time for yourself.
If TG can find time in his schedule to attend, you will both be there…. Sitting at opposite ends of the field/gym, each able to enjoy together, but separately. Does that make any sense? As you feel a bit blue, remember that the life of a child changes more often than the seasons. Soon you will have so many reasons to see them each and every weekend… jumping around like Banshees with their team jerseys on, numbers emblazoned in the team colors… Your heart will grow like the Grinch’s until it expands beyond normal boundaries with love and pride. The boys will hear your Cleo Cheer from the sidelines and break into sunny smiles! I suggest dressing yourself in team colors, thrusting up a foam fan finger and screaming out their nicknames while doing The Wave in the stands…. This embarrasses my daughter beyond belief but I think she would miss my enthusiasm if I didn’t carry on like a teenage girl at the Homecoming pep rally!! Should we start tailgating now???
P,
Thank you so much for such wisdom-laden words. And so beautifully strung together. Tailgating right about now would be so perfect. The sun is shining, there’s a stiff breeze, and I have a night off after a long stretch of go, go, go.
I’m so grateful you painted the picture of being at sporting events together. I read your comment last night and pondered that scene. The field, the boys, the game, The Genius. It helped me to let go in a big way. I’m going to write about that as soon as I can figure out how to get it into words. This week, for sure.
I need some of your playful exuberance . Me thinks you need to share. I’ll bring the vino. And the fromage. And if we do it here I’ll even bring the La Plage! You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, I have been following your blog for a number of months now and have been meaning to post. It as if you have made your way into my life by divine intervention. I am 32, and have a 20 month old daughter. Found out five months ago that her dad had been having affair with the woman who had my baby shower, his business partner, for most of her life. The dignity with which you have moved through your process is inspiring. I have recently discovered a deep strength in my soul that I never knew existed, and am so determined to create the best, most meaningful and real life I can for me and my little one. Keep writing!! You rock.
S,
I can feel your strength! You found the same well I did, and from it we can draw all that we need to live our life the way we need to live it. Thank you for being here and for taking the time to comment. You inspire me to continue to live by my boundaries, satisfying my needs and loving the boys and myself. I promise to keep writing! Stay close.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo –
I found you in August, started at the beginning, and I spend all my free time (a very limited time) reading your blog and every response from the Kittens. I can’t tell you how much wisdom, support, and giggles I’ve received from all of you. I am so grateful! I have wanted to respond several times, but have decided the right time is now. Maybe because of your comment about going on a date…with a girl! My Girlfriends, whom I call my Dear Friends have been EVERYTHING to me this past year. Without their support, time, strength – they have been there for me every step of the way. One of my Dear Friends even came over on The Most Terrible Day – the day I signed the divorce papers – and helped me take off my wedding ring that hadn’t left my hand since my wedding day. I asked her why this hurt so much and she just said “We are till death to us part kind of people.” implying that my Genius wasn’t. When I think of that day I am so awed by her being willing to be with me when the pain was so raw. Crying now as I lift her up in Gratitude.
I knew I felt you were a kindred spirit from the beginning…but then when I realized THE night of your Pocket Call, was THE night I was being told by my husband of 25 years that he wanted a divorce…I knew why I felt such a strong connection! My divorce moved much faster – he is the powerful CEO-type, so he had attorneys and a plan already. Don’t they always have “a plan” and we just aren’t privy to it until later??? My divorce was final in April but my emotions are just as you describe. Most days are good, but once in awhile I take 2 big steps backward in my healing.
I have spent the year trying to make great memories for our “new” family for my 3 awesome kids. I took them on a surprise trip to DisneyWorld for spring break and we road tripped all the way from Kansas to the Grand Canyon this summer. Our Christmas card has a picture of us with each having a foot at the Four Corners! A wise lady I encountered through the divorce told me “A family minus one still be a happy family.” I have reflected on that comment many times. I thought of it when I read your post about meeting the hockey players at the Sand Dollar. When the older couple came up to you and told you what a nice family you had. I hope when people see me out with my sweet 3, they see a happy family, not “where is the husband/dad?” I did want to mention too, that my counselor told me to be careful about visiting Disney and other places that are so family oriented – that it might be painful rather than fun. Actually, seeing 2 parent families didn’t bother me. My kids and I did things without my Genius for a long time because he chose to opt out of many family activities, travel for work, etc. What was hard was seeing the older couples, like the one you encountered that night at the Sand Dollar. It makes me sad to acknowledge that I thought that would be my life and now I have no one to grow old with. Those thoughts are fleeting, I’m happy to say.
Have you seen the quote by Joseph Campbell: We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” HGM helps me remember this every time I read it! Thank you for that! I’m trying not to grieve the loss of my old life so much and embrace my new life. So hard, after 25+ years to get the Genius out of my system! My Genius told me “he just wasn’t happy” and “He knew what it took to be a good husband and make me happy but he just didn’t want to do it.” (We had tried a brief bit of counseling a couple of years ago.) None of it made sense – I was there, in the marriage, working my butt off to make it work, and I knew we had happiness. It is the oddest thing to try to teach someone who is almost 50 what happiness is! Who just leaves after that long, and with our great kiddos, to be alone??
Anyway, he was careful to hide it until after the divorce was final – but that month he had his side dish move into our family home – after he assured me for months there was no one and he would NEVER move someone in to that home. It took me a couple of months to find out, and then a couple more months to bring it up to him. I am so tired of the deceit and mourn the loss of honesty and integrity, traits I always admired in him. Now my rare (thank goodness) rough days usually involve him and the side dish, like when he finally told his family about her, and then when they all met up for a fun weekend together. Wondering about the holidays. So hard. It just keeps stinking up my life! I want to be done with it!
Music has always been very important to me. A song I want you to listen too that has helped me immensely: The Hurt and the Healer by MercyMe (sent to me on THE day my divorce was final by an unknowing Dear Friend). I don’t believe in coincidences!
Thanks also for all your detailed descriptions of the mountains and ocean! I am living vicariously through you as I gaze at the Flatland of Kansas! I’m here for the ride, looking forward to our next chapters together – real and figuratively as you pursue your dream of the book!
Love yourself!
L,
Oh, thank you SO much for taking the time to comment – for letting me know you are out there. Way out there…in Kansas.
I agree with you – it’s not the two parent families that left me sad, it was the couple who’s weathered every storm and can now look at each other, beaming with pride, valuing the efforts required to live a life of integrity, celebrating the imperfections of their marriage, and dying having loved another through good and bad. That’s what makes me sad. To this day.
I won’t get to have that experience. But it’s okay. I’m certain that another experience that is a more perfect fit for my goals here exists. As it does for you.
I am so very glad you are here. I love that we are all in various stages of this experience – there’s someone here at HGM to lend guidance for any stage of healing after infidelity. And just think of the stories we’ll be able to share with each other as we move through the muck. I’m feeling GREAT things are on the other side of this tornado for you.
Love yourself,
Cleo