I’m the proud owner of a used diesel car. It purrs in that ‘I’m a diesel’ kind of way, and sips daintily from the gas tank, which is much appreciated by me. The purchase of this car wouldn’t be possible without my Mom. Here I am at 47 years old calling on Mom to come to the rescue so I can stop feeding an insatiable V8.
I’m grateful, and I was angry.
According to the dealer, I would have needed to provide a fully executed divorce decree, 6 months of cancelled support checks and say, I’m really sorry I’m a stay-at-home Mom who got divorced after discovering my marriage was a fraud, while balancing my wounded heart, a laundry basket and a biodegradable bag of dog poo on an empty ring finger.
After being bailed out by Bank of Mom, I sat at a desk in the dealer showroom signing a multi-page contract. If I want to bring the car back within 3 days for any reason I have to buy, for $250, a guarantee that allows me that privilege. I have no recourse in the event the car fails to do things like be drivable on day four. I have to contract with the state for a license and registration, pay taxes (So this is the second time the car is taxed? I vaguely recall learning that double taxation was a no-no.), and trust that the car is being represented to me accurately. They won’t trust me to pay monthly for it, but I must trust them.
Sign here, here and here.
After all that signing and check writing we went outside. There she sat, shiny and clean, likely for the last time. We climbed in, me in the driver’s seat. For the last 8 years I’ve driven one vehicle. An automatic. I knew where every button was, how they worked and could drive and drink coffee at the same time. Now I looked at a foreign cluster of instruments and a gear box that wanted desperately to see me stopped at a red light, nearly vertical, on Filbert Street in San Francisco.
It took three days to plead my case and buy the car. Three days. Then I got 5 minutes of a run through on how everything worked with phrases like, I’m not sure and It’s probably in the manual, along with a whole lot of experimental button pressing. 5 minutes.
Buying a car is expensive and a huge commitment. Often it comes with a loan and interest to pay. And the vehicle doesn’t always work, even if it’s new. The warranties seem to expire at the perfect time. Then there’s the gas tank. Feed, pamper and hope the engine turns over. With so much invested in a purchase, why is the transaction more about what I am going to do for the car than what the car will do for me?
You’re going to do this, and this and this. I’m not guaranteeing anything. That warranty? It’s good for the honeymoon period, but if something major happens we may determine it’s your fault anyway.
I drove away, into the wide open world where my car could be smashed to smithereens at any point in time, thinking, I’ll figure it all out eventually, but at least I have a car. (Unlike the person I passed a half mile later who had only the back end of a car after the front was sheered off by a distracted driver who blew a stop light.)
Kind of like how many people feel when they walk down the aisle, under the Chuppah, or over the threshold. We’re married now. We committed to each other. It’s official. Till death do us part, through thick and thin, no matter the challenges ahead. Half of those couples eventually walk into the offices of a divorce attorney, all that love and goodwill torched. Partners for life become adversaries. Decisions to leave careers to raise children are now entitlements. Mutually agreed upon choices that can be punished, penalized and reversed. What took an hour or so to create at the cost of about $100 for a license will, in most cases, take months and thousands of dollars to rip apart.
The collateral damage is beyond pricing out.
A prenuptial agreement is stigmatized as a cold-hearted move to protect assets from gold-diggers. Eyes widen in tandem with a gasp as a hand covers the mouth of a friend being told of the multi-page document awaiting review. It sits next to invitations and tasting plates of wedding cake. Sterile. Full of legalese.
They’re reducing our love down to a contract!
A prenuptial agreement is the most loving pre-wedding move ever.
Marriage is the zenith of life commitments. Far exceeding the responsibility of a new job, the purchase of a home or vehicle, or the creation of a business partnership. I’ve never been funded by a venture capital firm (unless you count my Mom!), but I imagine that relationship comes with a contract of epic proportions filled with deliverables and guarantees. A pact that governs every step, with stipulations and warranties and pledges and obligations. And clauses for this, that and every what ever.
There is no post-commitment negotiation.
Marriage requires a few I do’s and two signatures. And a whole lot of faith. To get a license you need a picture ID.
It’s harder to buy a pair of jeans than to get married.
It’s easier to win in Las Vegas than to avoid divorce.
Which is not a surprise to anyone. So why are we so reluctant to create an enforceable marital contract, instead of the one that’s a dash of Will you and a splash of I Do? You know, set the table before you serve the food. Lay it out in the open. The contract to reserve the reception hall is more binding than the commitment of marriage itself.
That’s mad.
But we love each other!
Then the timing is perfect for the creation of a contract that governs the union. The most successful partnerships begin with a solid foundation where all parties are clear in what is expected of them to satisfy the goals of the union.
Take, for instance, monogamy. It was understood that our marriage would be monogamous. We talked about commitment and honesty. My intentions were pure, and I believed that The Genius’ were as well. Even my Mom felt the need to have an agreement in place, expressing to The Genius her concerns that his job and travel would lead to infidelity to which he replied, I would never hurt her in that way. (She should predict natural disasters.) Imagine my surprise when The Genius told me he didn’t believe in monogamy in and around the 5 year mark. (I may have the date wrong but I know we were in Santa Monica and he also shared with me that he didn’t like my breasts. I remember things like that.) Had we crafted a smart premarital agreement, and he chose to be honest, I would have already known this (maybe not the breast part) and been given the opportunity to decide if I was willing to proceed.
Had we crafted that agreement and he changed his mind, something us humans do, I would have a roadmap to follow as we dismantled the marriage, one designed to protect me. To protect us. To protect any shred of hope that we would walk away with divorce papers in hand and some degree of a relationship still intact.
That agreement ought to have provisions in it for the breaking of the marital contract. As it stands now, we can do anything shy of murder and rape and there’s zero consequences. Imagine if we raised our children without consequences for their behavior. Bedlam. Not much different than the state of marriage today. Imagine if there were no consequences for breaking contracts in general. We’d trust nothing. No one.
A contract without consequences for breaking the contract is not a contract.
It’s a big wish.
Without consequences for behaviors that are destructive we are sanctioning those behaviors.
So, The Genius, and millions and millions of others, can break the marital contract through adultery and the only consequence is their own guilt, should they choose to not justify away their poor choices and ignore that guilt.
Moms, Dads, anyone who knows someone who is going to get married, please sit down and have a conversation with the engaged about a prenuptial agreement. It’s a common sense move. We can’t ignore the facts. At least half of marriages end up in divorce. Why not simplify the agonizing process by having a game plan in advance?
Fear. Fear of never making it down the aisle because we can’t make it past the bargaining table. The thing to remember and never, ever forget about fear is that we create that which we fear.
The enforceability of a prenuptial agreement is questionable. But that can change if we accept that it’s natural. If we demand that it be part of the marital process. No court would ever allow a house to be sold or a business partnership to be created without a contract governing the commitment of the parties involved, a clear understanding of roles and responsibilities, and consequences for not abiding by the rules of the contract.
If we’re serious about marriage and serious about wanting to see changes in our marriage laws to support equal rights, how about we get serious about establishing the rights of the individuals post-marriage before entering into marriage? We prepare for all sorts of disasters, why not plan for divorce while planning the wedding?
It seems like such a loving thing to do.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Am I going to be called a pessimist if I say that I believe marriage is almost dead in our society? Divorce is too easy now. Let’s just call it quits and we’re done. Well, usually one person says that and the other person is just sucked into the vortex that is divorce. (Speaking from personal experience here.) I wish I had never gotten married now. I don’t wish my children away, they are the best part of me and my douchebag. But I wish I hadn’t tied myself so closely to him. I wish we were still both our own people instead of a marital unit. Maybe it would have made sense to sign a pre-nup but we basically have no assets so it won’t be hard to separate them. The only thing that is being separated is my heart from my body. (Yes, I’m being a little melodramatic but finding out that your husband has been cheating on you for over a year and a half really does warrant some melodrama).http://dowehavetotellthekids.blogspot.com/
Congratulations on your new vehicle! And your mom rocks. What would we do without our parents?! I’m crashing at my parents’ house this week for the kids’ school vacation. Having home cooked meals every night is something I could get used to. Thank God for supportive parents.
K,
I apologize for the delay in responding to your comment. As I mentioned to D, a queue built up and these comments dropped out of sight on Page 2. No excuse! And many thanks for taking the time to write.
This pre-nuptial contract that I suggest is not about assets but about morals and values and agreeing upfront, and before the emotions of a wedding day make the stating of vows an almost out-of-body experience, what the consequences are for not living up to the morals and values expected in the marriage.
Had I been more mature and less naive, I would have seen through The Genius’ flimsy response to queries about morals and values. After lengthy discussion I also would have likely scared him off. Or, in the best of scenarios, been a catalyst for the development of morals and values.
This vortex we’ve been sucked into, K, is going to benefit us. With some distance, you may come to see that it was a perfect creation.
Thank you for being here, K. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Great post C! And I fully agree, it’s a common sense way to approach the reality that 50% of marriages end in divorce. Congrats on the new car! Drive it in good health. Diesels rock – you’ll love the fuel savings!
N,
Thank you, N! Loving my clean diesel. And you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
hey – “Had we crafted that agreement and he changed his mind, something us humans do, I would have a roadmap to follow as we dismantled the marriage, one designed to protect me. To protect us.”
Taylor on Cosmo had a show on Pre-Nups a few weeks back and the lawyer onhttp://www.dewburylaw.com/Attorneys/Stamatia-K-Dewbury.shtml said the exact same thing!
You are protecting EVERYTHING you bring into the relationship . . . it is worth it to protect your heart too.
A,
Thank you for sharing the link, A. But this gem is the one most worth paying attention to: “You are protecting EVERYTHING you bring into the relationship . . . it is worth it to protect your heart too.”
The heart is most vested, it ought to be worthy of being protected, respected and freed up to be vulnerable.
Love yourself,
Cleo
HE DIDN’T LIKE YOUR BREASTS??????????!!!!!!!????
What a totally a*%h^%le thing to say!
You are SO much better off without this man. But you know that.
Enjoy your new car!
L,
According to him they weren’t firm enough. Gee, sorry. It is fatty tissue…unless of course they’re add-ons. What saddens me is I didn’t have the courage to say, I’m better off without you. And then, Goodbye. I allowed his words to permeate me, making me dislike (and sometimes hate) parts of me, parts of my body. No woe is me here, though. Falling in love with me and releasing the negativity has resulted in a transformation. I don’t even desire that breast lift I once thought was necessary. Swimming has lifted what babies left hanging. My abs are solid. Doesn’t mean stuff doesn’t move, cuz it does, but I embrace my body with love. She carries my up mountains and across bodies of water. And we’ve only just begun.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and for making me smile. So grateful you are here, J.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Congratulations on the diesel!! Our lives are intersecting yet again, with the cars. Tomorrow I go test drive cars, as my 10 year old Jetta diesel is just about done. They run forever, I have over 200,000 miles on mine.
I was supposed to get a new car 2 years ago, before my husband had an affair. So instead, last year, he traded in his BMW for a newer model, that his girlfriend drives. Nice. Gag.
However not all negative here! Today my ex showed up with the cash that we negotiated outside of our divorce contract. It will help with a deposit on my car.
But while people are discussing a prenup, anyone out there who is getting a divorce and your soon to be EX asks for a shady side deal outside of the divorce agreement, do not do it. I am still in shock I got the $. For the record, it took me four months of pestering him to get that money. Outside deal… a bad decision by me.
H,
Wow – 200,000! You fabulous Mama! Loving the diesel. What I have done on a half a tank of gas…it’s remarkable. Why aren’t there more on the road? I will aim to keep her around for the next decade.
Shady deals with people who’ve done shady things. I suppose the odds of the deal working out are about the same as making it to the porch rocker with the original spouse rocking it out in the next chair. It DOES happen! And you deserve to be one of the fortunate ones. So great to ‘see’ you. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Please allow me to re-write this without my little ones tugging on my legs.
I can’t believe I’m about to say this but… I totally disagree. As much as pre-nups can and have been used as a safety net they are also used as a weapon. Do I think that the divorce rate would lower due to prenups absolutely! Do I think that the happiness factor will rise? Hell no. The mindset of “if I stick with it for another 6 years I get _____” I want to be loved and needed and wanted for years to come not because my partner is contractually obligated. And while I see how in your situation it would of been beyond beneficial to have one I have a feeling “The Genius” would have found some sort of loophole, some snag something to get around anything that would of been in place. Call me crazy, or call me maybe but I would rather take the plunge with my rose coloured glasses. Side note congrats on the new wheels! Beep Beep
D,
Your re-write moved to page 2 on the comments! I am so sorry for the delay in posting this. I trust the little ones are still tugging away. I hope the dudes never stop doing that to me.
I believe I replied to the first comment in much the same way, but here goes –
My version of a pre-nuptial agreement is less about what to do when divorcing and more about avoiding the pitfalls of a marriage turned bad by creating a moral contract – not just letting the vows be the moral contract. Taking the time to sit down and say, This is unacceptable and will result in this… And doing it as a couple, with total honesty. Maybe it’s a “We Agree To Do The Following” document.
It seems that while people discuss monogamy, etc., we often let the marriage vows speak for what should be discussed at length, written down and signed well in advance of walking down the aisle.
I hope you are well, D. Thank you for being here and for your patience.
Love yourself,
Cleo
could not have said this better!!! Well written my friend!
B,
Thank you, my lovely little birthday maiden. Missing you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
A breathtaking post. Start to finish. Absolute perfect eloquence.
J,
Sweet J, thank you. It’s a very important idea to me. One that I will continue to work on. Wouldn’t it be great if we could develop a PMC that was designed to facilitate a happy marriage? Where the contract itself helped to create harmony. And focused not only on what to do if the marriage needs to end, but also what to do to keep the partnership intact. Simple. Digestible. Easily executed.
Much to create… Thank you for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo:
Your post makes so much sense to me…especially if you are bringing children into the world…thanks for your insight! JoJo..
J,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I made a little edit just to keep things peaceful and positive. It’s clear how we all feel about betrayal and those you choose it as a way of life. We’ll focus on the ways to move on gracefully.
Yes, with children as part of a family, a pact that represents the wishes of each parent would be such beneficial step. For one, it will either prove or disprove compatibility. Don’t we want to find that out before marriage? It would have made a world of difference for me.
Thank you for being here-
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow. So well said. And without a lot of fluff. Thanks for sharing this.
S,
Thank you, S. Now, when can we change your moniker to Six Pack Abs?
I hope that the healing is brewing. We’re here to support. So grateful to have you at HGM.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I agree that prenups are very smart. I wish I had had one, but I also have heard they don’t mean a whole lot in some states that just divide property equally no matter what. I bet more young people would get married if they thought a prenup would actually protect them later.
As a side, did you notice the Huff Post tweet survey of men asking them why men cheat? There was an overwhelming amount of answers that it is natural because of the primitive desire to procreate with as many women as possible. The reply time had closed but I wanted to answer that it is natural to want to beat the S!@#$ out of the other woman, smack teenagers with attitude in a classroom, etc, but luckily we have laws and boundaries in place to avoid causing trauma to others as we think of expressing our natural inclination. More power to the men who have evolved far enough to know that an affair would cause great trauma to others including their children. I’ll take an evolved man over a cave man any day
E,
I wrote a reply to your comment on the plane. Then my internet access expired. (One hour for $10? Rip. Off.) I copied my reply and expected to be able to paste it once on land. Alas, it floats out there on a virtual clipboard. Here is my effort to recreate it:
If the desire to procreate was so primal and impossible to control then why do they wear condoms? Once snipped, why do they continue to cheat? Please. Men have sex because it feels good. Period. They are, by and large in affairs, terrified of getting a woman pregnant. Suggesting that it’s some primal urge to populate the planet is hogwash. I don’t buy it, and I’m finding that I don’t buy a lot of what the field of psychology tells us these days. It’s all a great big guess.
Breathe…breathe…:-)
It’s a case of fingerpointeritis. Some unseen urge impossible to control! You didn’t love me enough, or in the right way, or when I wanted it.
This phrase bothers me, but here I find I must use it: What-freaking-ever. Whatever, dude. Whatevs. We can point fingers all we want, but it’s pretty clear that no one or thing or event is responsible for our choices but us. We make the choice, we deal with the consequences. I feel as if I could reduce life down to one governing statement: A human has free choice and each choice comes with consequences. Deal with it.
The Genius made a choice to betray me and lie to our family for four years. The consequence is that instead of a bittersweet divorce (Didn’t work out, we gave it the best shot we were capable of giving it taking into consideration our lack of preparedness for the challenges.), I don’t trust him at all and we can’t communicate.
We have freedom of choice as a human and each choice will come complete with a consequence.
On the prenup – I’m not focused on material goods or post-divorce resolutions. I would like to see a prenup that requires a couple to walk through their marriage from its beginning to the possibility of it ending before death, role playing the scenarios that can and will crop up and working through how they would handle them. Not fear-based preparedness, but an exploration of morals, values, behavior under pressure, parenting, those challenging years just after the children are born. Improvisation on the life cycle of a marriage.
Hmmm…that’s what I’m going to call it – whatever ‘IT’ is: Improvisation on the Lifecycle of a Marriage, a weekend journey to crush the fairy tale and release the real beauty of a lifelong union.
Or something like that…
Man, is that going to be one fun weekend. Thank you, E, for your entertaining and thought-provoking comment. So grateful you are here.
Love yourself,
Cleo