One Christmas, about the time that I was ready to get a pair of reading glasses (oh the joy of turning 40), I asked for a magnifying makeup mirror. I was tired of plunging my mascara wand into my eye. I know, I know – tough it out. I should have, because the first time I flipped that mirror over from normal to magnified I nearly vaporized.
Holy arachnid, who the hell is that?
If you don’t have one of these mirrors, DO NOT GET ONE. Risk blindness instead. You will be less scarred. No matter how gorgeous you are – and I consider each and every one of you to be complete hotness, doubled – you will be shocked. And then you will spend the next twenty minutes examining every little pore and wrinkle and flaw. Poking, prodding, analyzing. There is nothing easy about the first experience with a magnifying mirror.
Kind of like my encounter with Mr. Jackpot. Beginning with our first meeting in late December to our conversation last night, I feel like I have been looking into one massively magnified, ginger-hued mirror. One that seems to amplify the flaws, making them difficult to ignore. One that is forcing me to take a good hard look at the bad emotional habits and insecurities I have developed over the life of my marriage.
Mr. Jackpot was sent to assist me in a time of great need. But he isn’t here to tell me everything’s going to be alright. He’s here to say, If you don’t come close and look at these flaws, these areas here and over here that need your attention, they will stage a mutiny. They will keep you from finding peace within yourself and freely experiencing all the love and beauty around you. They will keep you from loving yourself.
We have both been recently birthed out of relationships by deceit and betrayal. We were with partners that didn’t view us as partners. We fulfilled a role for them that wasn’t fully understood by us. We allowed ourselves to be strung along, our needs going unmet, our voices going unheard. Every time a promise was broken, a boundary crossed, we became quieter and quieter, hoping that it would be the last time. That things would get better. We stayed because we made a commitment. And because we didn’t love ourselves enough to demand a change. To demand what we were promised by our partners. Worst of all, we lost ourselves. When it came time to leave, we were emotionally shredded, mentally parched and physically drained.
And now we are sorting through the pieces of ourselves that have been gathered up over these last several months (longer for him), determined to take great care in the rebuilding process. The pressure is on to do it right. We have so much to lose if we don’t take the time to examine each piece, discarding the ones that don’t serve us (insecurity, fear, anger) and reinforcing the ones that we need in order to create a solid foundation upon which our hearts can safely rest.
Our stories may be different, but we are going through the exact same process, stripping ourselves bare so we can heal, at the exact same time. As such, there’s not much either of us can hide from each other. We see right through any attempt to do so. So we do the opposite. We barf up every detail of our failed relationships, taking turns venting about the disappointment, anger and sadness that took up residence where there was once joy, optimism and love. As we become more comfortable with each other we allow ourselves to be a little vulnerable.
“Why did you stay with him? Why did you accept being treated that way?”
“Because I didn’t know any better. Because I wasn’t confident enough to stand up for myself. Because I was afraid of the answers to the questions I needed to be asking. Because I no longer felt. I thought, this is as good as it’s going to get. Oh, well. I had big dreams for more, but I’ll just have to be satisfied with where I’m at. I guess this is all I deserve.”
As the weeks slowly crept by, my world a mad frenzy of emotional upheaval, the hikes and talks over wine with Mr. Jackpot were like my extended therapy sessions with all of you. Exploration via excavation. We went deep. It was on my birthday, with a big slab of grass-fed cow sitting between us, that I looked at Mr. Jackpot and I saw myself, flaws and all. He was my human magnifying mirror. Consciously, he was a compassionate friend. On an unconscious level he was helping to put me in situations where I could observe my emotions, create boundaries and put into practice some of the new (untested, often poorly executed) skills I was picking up.
We do more than talk about our failed relationships. We spent an hour talking about the evolution of species living on islands and how their isolated existence has led to unique characteristics not seen anywhere else but upon their spot of land. (Let’s be real…mainly he talked about it and I listened, slack-jawed. That’s probably not even an accurate description of what he explained to me.) We watched this video, shot with a Vision Research Phantom Flex camera, a dozen times, transfixed. (Trust me, watch it.) Seeing something new each time. We talk about creation, the vast world of insects, and birds. We talk about our upbringing and how it affects our choices and about how our choices in life have led us to this exact point in time. We talk about the stars, climbing mountains and the deep sea. We talk about our feelings, our fears, our frustrations, our dreams, and the goals we must attain. We laugh, we cry. He baked me a gluten-free, spiced apple pie, from scratch.
And last night we talked about loving someone again. What it would take for us to be able to freely love and commit to another person. What it would take to be intimately connected again to another being.
It’s going to take a lot. An excavation of a once beautiful site that has been left to decompose, ignored by its owner and those who once appreciated its beauty. Mr. Jackpot and I have to reconnect with what we once truly loved about ourselves. Rediscover what makes us special, what fuels us, what grounds us. We have to create new ways of being as individuals. We have to take ourselves out into the world and experience life, on our own. Devote time to our passions. Regain our confidence. We have to feel secure enough with ourselves to be vulnerable again, if not for the first time.
We have to do all of that if we’re ever going to be able to truly act on the feelings we have for each other.
Yes. We have feelings for each other.
After hanging up the phone with Mr. Jackpot I logged in to HGM. On the top of the list of comments was one from K. I sucked in a breath as I read for the 5th time this little morsel:
“…an experience like this does offer an amazing opportunity for growth. I’m forced to take stock of life–who I am and who I want to be, especially as a dad–in a way that oddly didn’t seem possible before. We let relationships become a big distraction from the personal work we should be doing, and we let them disguise our underlying discontent.”
K, I’m forever grateful. To you, to everyone who shares their wisdom at HGM, and to Mr. Jackpot. You are all my mirror. Again and again, with uncanny timing, you hold up the looking glass and dare me to see that I’m a work in progress with a bright and beautiful future.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I couldn’t agree with K more. I see it very often in friends despite their attempts at retaining ‘themselves’ throughout their relationships. They’re personally developmentally stunted. Everything goes into the relationship because ‘we’ are important. What about ‘me’?
L,
It’s a challenge, to retain your independence while also giving fully to a partnership. Especially if you are inclined to put others before yourself. I need constant reminders on this issue! Thank you for taking the time to read HGM and comment.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Anyone can understand what you’re writing about. They don’t have to go through a divorce to get the fact we all find ourselves deeply challenged at times to figure out who we are and what we are about. Lots to love in this post.
S,
I’m so glad this post resonates with you. Finding out who we are and what we are about is very challenging when there are so many things distracting us from the exploration we need to do in order to discover ourselves. Oh, look! A chicken!
Love yourself,
Cleo
This denial is all driven by fear. There were so many red flags flying in my last relationship—-I could have started my own United Nations! Did I choose to address them? Nope. Why? Because of fear. My thinking at the time—-if I deal with this, it’s gonna hurt. But here’s the ugly truth about burying it—-it will just come around to knock you over later and the hurt will be a thousand times worse because you’re just that more invested. My big challenge—I knew this going into my last relationship—but I still did it. Old habits are tough to drop….
Like they say—-The Truth Will Set You Free!
J,
Oh, J. I need to read your words hourly. Thank you.
“Did I choose to address them? Nope. Why? Because of fear.” Spot on. I’ve observed that I see, hear, feel something that doesn’t sit right with me, but I don’t want to make waves so I let it go. I figure I’ll address it, deal with it, take issue with it later. And later never happens. As a result an issue goes unresolved. Even worse, my soul feels disrespected by me. Disappointed yet again that I didn’t stand up for myself. This is a key, key challenge for me. I’ve GOT to gain the confidence that allows me to set boundaries and feel strong enough to respect them. And then do so compassionately. I’m not out to become an arrogant b, just a girl who is confident in herself, respects herself and loves herself.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Years ago, I was chatting with a co-worker about a date I had lined up. I said to her “I wonder if he’s going to like me.” She said the coolest thing and it stayed with me—she said “You’re thinking all wrong. He needs to worry about whether you will like him!”
Here’s what I’m working on—-I’m trying to make my life the coolest and most bitchin’ life! Great career, great hobbies, great friends, great body, great everything. I’m getting there! I figure, not only will I really like my life, but it won’t be so empty if a guy isn’t in my life. And, if he does come around, he’s gonna be freakin’ lucky to know me!
You go Cleo!
J,
You are spectacular! You are making yourself happy by paying attention to your needs. That’s not selfish, it’s exactly what is needed in order to be a present and fulfilling partner. That is so bitchin’.
I’m going to tell you this anyway, but I think you are already doing it…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Of course you have feelings for each other. How could you not with everything that you have been to each other in the past several months? It’s almost like a natural progression, no? I don’t think you’re surprised by it. I don’t think you should be surprised. The feelings might be complicated, even muddled but that’s when that magnifying mirror comes in handy.
G,
I’m not surprised by it, but because it’s such a complicated time for me right now I do find myself questioning these feelings. The answer lies in the absolute need to focus on myself and let everything else unfold organically. I have to let go. Breath. Stay centered. And trust myself. In order to pull that off I still have much work to do. No shocker there. And I must keep my life as uncomplicated as possible. That’s the only way I’ll be able to see, really see. Thank you so much for your support, G. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo.
Thanks that last post (as they all are) so beautifully expressed. I read your story it feels like you could be writing mine. And I became a big believer in mirrors last year too. Ironically they are all over the place (including with my ex husband). In the aftermath of things as I started my journey I had to recognize that what I was getting from him was more often than not, what I was giving (that was a hard realization). I love that you shared what what K shared because that is the real truth of going through something like this.
Im going to steal this from Eat, Prey, Love (if you haven’t watched since your split it really takes on another meaning on the other side of a separation). But I wrote it down because it landed for me in a way I had never thought before about my journey.
She says “In the end I have come to believe on something I call the physics of the quest. A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of quest physics goes something like this:
If your brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting. Which can be anything from your house to bitter old resentments. And set out on a truth seeking journey either externally or internally. And if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you in that journey as a clue. And if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher. And if you are prepared to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself. Then the truth will not be withheld from you.”
Every post it is clear that you are on this quest too. And the hard stuff that we see in the mirror eventually reveals the beauty too.
JJ
JJ,
I wish I had replied to this comment sooner. I have not read the book, nor seen the film, but this excerpt compels me to do so.
I am on that quest. And I’m all in. This is such a good way to end my night. I’ll rest my head on my pillow pondering these words.
Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Unbelievable post today Cleo – you’ve touched me (again), and I’m going to read this one again tomorrow. I need to soak in every sentence and pick apart how I feel about the stirring questions you’ve asked yourself. Questions I too need to dig deep to ponder. This post is so insightful and incredibly helpful to others, including me, who are living the same experience. Huge hug for all that you’re giving to us as your followers. Sara
S,
I’m hugging you right back. Thank you. I needed to know I connected with this post. You came through for me. You rock.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I think about what my mom went through, and what I went through, as the child in this very situation, and I believe you are taking a very healthy approach to this entire experience not of your own choosing.
You must love yourself, first and foremost. Take the time to be sure that you are feeling healthy and happy with yourself, is the best thing I can say, I guess. My mom didn’t, married on the rebound, and we went through the same exact thing again.
Fortunately after that, she *did* take the time to do the things, for *her* that made *her* happy, and became comfortable in her own skin, that she finally was able to break the cycle and, by loving herself, (and I had not ever seen her happier until that point), that she found someone that she has now been married to for over 30 years.
This is not to say that you need “a man” to make you happy. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I’m only saying that, as a child of cheating and divorce, that I was never happier than when I saw my mom find her bliss. May you find yours, whatever it may be…
L,
As you can probably tell, words mean a lot to me. Take ‘needs‘ for instance. I don’t want to be needy. I haveneeds, and now I have to articulate them so they can be met. I don’t want to need a man. I need to be comfortable in my own skin and comfortable with my boundaries. (Has anyone seen my boundaries?) I do not need a rebound. I need to let go of the fear that I will make mistakes. Healthy needs are good, needy needs, not so much.
I need to find the balance. I’m so grateful for your words.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Very resonating post today Cleo. Relationships have an rhythm all their own and all too often that rhythm is inertia or some kind of auto pilot. After a while it can be easier not to address issues than to address them. A lot of that stems from denial and fear of course, I think the fear of discovering that perhaps the person you (meaning the collective you) have chosen and have said to the world that this is the one person for me, I think the fear of being wrong about that, about that, about having to admit it publicly is a lot for a lot of people. Come to think of it fear often is the driver of many things in life. Many of us float through life reacting without taking the time to think about what we really truly need and what will really, truly make us happy. It’s great that you are doing that now.
I also think it is great you have found Mr. Jackpot, to have found a soul mate to be able to talk to, explore with and commiserate with. It would be tough to not develop feelings for one another. You are both going through one hell of a change in your lives and you are exploring some very big questions. My experience tells me that the answers to big questions don’t always come quickly. You are both vulnerable, you’ve been hurt, you certainly have a connection through your shared situations, perhaps it is a strong one, a life long one. Just continue on your journey, keep asking yourself the questions and figuring out what it is that you truly want in life and try to make sure it is grounded in what you want and not in fear or hurt or insecurity.
D,
Oh, such powerful words! Sweet. I needed this.
“Just continue on your journey, keep asking yourself the questions and figuring out what it is that you truly want in life and try to make sure it is grounded in what you want and not in fear or hurt or insecurity.”
Tomorrow I will do an 18 mile hike and use this golden morsel as my theme and see where it takes me. Thank you, D.
Love yourself,
Cleo
S,
I’d be delighted to be your ‘Dear Cleo’. I’m going to let you know what I see and feel. Layers are being pulled back for you right now. No need to push them along. Just let them unfold. You don’t need to find evidence of an affair right now. He’ll likely deny everything anyway and then you just get caught in an argument with no winners.
First you need to center yourself. Forget about him and her and feel only you. What do you need right now (needs over the long haul take time to discover) to get yourself started on a path that will determine if your marriage can be re-awakened, stabilized? Come up with three things. I believe strongly in the power of threes. Let’s say they are open and respectful communication, a thoughtful evaluation of where your marriage is at and a game plan for improving it.
Before you sit down and let him know that you don’t wish to passively watch your marriage deteriorate anymore, have a conversation with yourself. “Self, this isn’t going to be easy. And he may very well say, Honey, I’m having an affair and I want a divorce. But doing nothing prolongs and encourages the inevitable. I’m going to respect myself by addressing these issues now, and I am going to be open to whatever happens as a result. I trust that I have created this journey and that it’s unfolding exactly as I have designed. I will be brave. I will welcome the support of friends and loved ones.”
Then summon all the peace and serenity you can muster and have at it. You don’t have to know right now if you want to remain married, get divorced, or live on the moon. This is step one. Tell him how you feel and what you need. If he can’t get on board with that then you will need to formulate step 2. Whatever it looks like, know this – it will support you. And that’s the key. It’s not being selfish, it’s respecting yourself.
I hope others weigh in on your question as I am only one person who is muddling my way through.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Wow! My first reaction reading this was “Shoot the bastard!” but Cleo’s advice is so much better than mine. And it won’t risk Sunrise going to prison.
You mentioned a “spirited” child. Two of my children fall under the autism spectrum with sensory integration issues that are on the polar opposites, a third child with speech delays, and a fourth child with ADHD. I am a huge believer of talk therapy both as couples and individuals. Its amazing what therapy can accomplish to those willing to open themselves to it. It saved me from going insane (literally sometimes), by re-focusing on my needs as a person and as a couple, I became a better parent and a better wife. So whatever you decide I hope, Sunrise, you consider talk therapy as part of your plan.
In the meantime, take a deep breath and hug yourself.
G,
Thank you SO much for taking the time to share your thoughts and help support more than just me here at HGM. I am so impressed with you, your capacity to care for others and to love. It’s been an absolute blessing to come to know you here, and I am so very grateful for this amazing community that has sprung up around my little blog. I adore you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
S,
You are so welcome. Anytime, and I do mean anytime. Anywhere. Whatever you need. I can’t guarantee I’ll have the right hting to say, but if you stick around long enough I’ll make you laugh. And that can move mountains.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Sunrise,
Cannot reply to your last comment (blog design) and not sure if it is timely, but maybe you could bring up the possibility of cheating as a theoretical, something along the lines of, “Gee, it might be tempting to just look for companionship elsewhere, but that would have such devastating consequences long-term, I am glad we are going to do the hard work of making our lives better without doing that”? Give him a chance to back away from that scenario before it goes further, without confrontation?
Just a thought.
S,
Well-thought out comment. I hope Sunrise sees it.
Thank you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi there,
I’ve been following your blog for just a short time now, read most of it in one shot. You’re a compelling writer
. I’m really sorry that you’re having to go through this, it’s an experience that no one deserves. I’ve been where you are (thankfully, I’m a few years further down the road) and it’s not easy, to say the least. But you’re clearly very strong, you have a family that you know you can lean on, and you have an amazing amount of grace. There’s no doubt you’ll come out of this as a stronger and richer person.
This post compelled me to finally write something. I just want to encourage you to keep doing what you’re doing. Keep focusing on yourself. When I look back at my own experience, the single most important thing that I did was to let myself fully regain my sense of myself as… ‘myself’.
All the best. I’ll continue to follow your journey.
R.
R,
Thank you for reaffirming what I need to focus on. And thank you for taking the time to read my words and to comment. I hope you can sense how much it means to me. I’m sitting here right now, in my kitchen, feeling kind of crummy about my night and then along you come with your words of encouragement.
What’s so interesting about knowing that I will eventually be a “stronger and richer person” is that I want to rush the process, but I can’t. Because, of course, I wouldn’t end up where I so want to be. What a tease. So much to do, R. And you imploring me to continue to focus on myself is the single most important message I received today. Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Oh, I’m really glad that it helped. Haha… believe me, I understand how you feel when you say when you want to rush the process. One thing to consider, well, at least it’s been the case with me, is that the further I’ve come, and the more I’ve healed, I realize more and more that I’m on actually on a continuous journey and that in itself is kind of great. There’s always something to work towards, to look forward to. I think when you lose that, that’s when life gets stale (and we don’t even realize it). I’m betting that when you look back at these days, you’re going to see them in a different light and feel that they were what has made your own journey so rich.
R,
Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
I just want to say, it has been a very comforting blog to read, my first husband cheated on me he was 28 his gf at the time was 15 going on 16 (12 yrs later they are still together) I would never have known about his affair if it wasn’t for his boss sending home a letter that I had to sign to verify the reason why he was being fired from that management position (LOL made me chuckle to think back about that) and my second husband never had an affair with someone from work, it was more of an emotional affair with his own mother, he couldn’t *survive* without her help in any major decision on OUR life, and he to this day accuses me of being the problem, and how i need to get help and accept the fact that I was the one at fault for our marriage failing…not the fact that his mother called ten times a day, took him out for breakfast three times a week, did his laundry and ironing weekly and gave him an allowance every month because he didn’t have *mad cash for himself* instead he had to blow it on bills etc…heaven forbid he become a man and responsible for his family… we are now seperated… been five months, I feel sooo free! I have no desire or love for him anymore… I totally connected with how you are feeling, it was like me writing my feelings down on paper… Thank you very much for opening your heart & soul about your *adventure* so to speak in life…. I could not wait to get back home to my own computer to read your blogs that I have missed for the last week and a bit LOL… You are a strong woman, never let anyone make you feel you made the wrong decision, so many did with me, I lost soo many friends, but that just showed who my real friends really were
baby steps, thats all it is, baby steps, one step at a time… 
hugs to you, and thank you.
H,
Baby steps…thank you for reminding me to have calm expectations of myself. There’s no need to rush. One little step at a time, catch my balance, one more little step.
I really appreciate your kind words. So grateful we have this opportunity to share in the excavation and the laughter here at HGM. And I’m glad you are on your own, feeling free and loving life.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, you’re a godsend. My path mirrors yours in so many ways.
I’ve been working through similar issues since early 2011. The relationship breaker and difference for me is that my narcissistic and unfaithful spouse also contracted morbid diseases during his years-long escapades. Now he wants my companionship and I want divorce. His long-time secretive nature – which I accidentally discovered – continues; so I can not expect any modification after so much time. And I don’t want him to change. I just want to get on with my life – separate from him.
Your approach and your words have been such a help and a strengthening to me! I’m more positive than ever that I can – with the help of friends and professionals – become a self-loving and trusting person again. It will take a while. But your blog IS a life saver for me. Thanks. Please keep writing!!
D,
Yes, we can, D. Some days I feel like I never want to trust another person again, but then I soften myself up a bit, release the tension in my shoulders and open my heart. It really is so amazing how grace comes through pain. For me, the trick is to remain super present so that I am aware of how I am feeling and can work with those feelings in a productive way.
We will continue to grow, love, share, laugh and live a spirited life, D. Of that I am sure. Stay close…
Love yourself,
Cleo