Pipe down, Mistresses! Time to get a little education. Despite your french maid outfits and your offers to make everything better for your man, your choices will eventually undo you.
- The web of lies you spun in order to conduct your affair will never fully decompose. It is now the foundation of your relationships. It is how others see you – a person willing to lie and capable of justifying any behavior to gratify the self. Behind the nods and smiles they are saying, Is she being honest?
- You are not trustworthy. In moments of conflict in your relationships this fact will wreak havoc. Those who are aware of your choices will never fully trust you, despite how they may act. When one of your friends is devastated by their spouse’s affair, you will find out how they really feel about you and your choices. Worse, you know you’re not trustworthy. To survive, your Ego spends time trying to convince yourself and others that you are trustworthy, to no avail. It’s exhausting. Better get a lot of rest. This will not change.
- Cheaters don’t lie in only one direction. C’mon, now. You do not know anything about the marriage of your affair partner. I know, you think you do. But, remember – your affair partner is a first class, highly experienced liar who is also delusional, to some degree, which is a necessary state of mind in order to be able to justify deceit and betrayal. You assume they are emotionally healthy and aware enough to give you an accurate representation of their marriage. That is foolish. Emotionally healthy people don’t cheat.
- Affairs are only the tip of the Integrity Iceberg and you are the Titanic. Did you lie in other ways while cheating? Not just to your spouse but to your family? Your children? Your friends? How about your employer? Did you misuse corporate funds to finance your affair? Write off a trip as work related when it was really a hook-up? And now that the affair is out in the open are you still lying? You need to address your lack of morals and ease with lying before you shatter completely under the weight of shame and guilt.
- You despise Carrie Underwood, which is a shame because she is ridiculously talented. And anyone else who mentions the words ‘cheat’, ‘cheater’, ‘adultery’, ‘affair’, ‘mistress’, and ‘infidelity’. Because every time you hear those words there’s a gasp inside of you. It’s your drowning conscience. And if there isn’t a gasp, your conscience is already dead. Good luck with that. But rest assured, you will never be able to rip off the scarlet letter.
- Although infidelity is an epidemic, a pedestrian one at that, no one has any respect for someone who cheats. (Not even Gwyneth Paltrow, although she once said she did…because maybe she needed to feel better about herself for some reason?) That includes the children of the cheaters. No matter how much your children love you and love your affair partner and love the children of your affair partner, they will one day know exactly what happened. And they’re going to be pissed.
- The stats are grim, which should come as no surprise. The cheater will cheat again. Like, say, on a trip maybe. One to a familiar place with familiar faces and a longer history. One beer leads to another. He spills his guts to the new ear that gets nice and close to his. They connect, or reconnect. It must be so hard, she says. It’s just a one time thing, he thinks. Besides, I’m not married anymore. No one will ever find out…and then bam, his head is between her thighs. Happens all the time.
The betrayed spouse is relieved this is not her future anymore.
And, while this morsel of wisdom is too late for you, Mistresses, it begs to be spoken: There is nothing sexier than honesty. So before you cheat, tell him to go home and SPEAK UP. You will be filled with happiness and good karma for remaining true to yourself and your values. You will be respectable. And if he comes back unattached, you are free to engage in a baggage-less relationship that has a shot at being fulfilling for you both.
Have conversations, not affairs.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Please follow me on Twitter and Facebook and purchase His Giant Mistake – Spinning Magic out of Infidelity and Divorce at Amazon. Thank you. X
This is so true. I can’t imagine having something like this following the rest of my life. I think most couples that start as an affair lie to people about their beginning. They say they were separated or divorcing when they met. I would hate either option. Lying or telling the truth would both be awful.
And how could you ever trust your partner? The old cliche holds true that if they cheat with you they will cheat on you. It’s a little bit above an 80% chance of infidelity in couples who start as an affair. The divorce rate in couples who start in an affair is 79%. Horrible odds.
I feel awful for the kids. When they grow up they will tell theit future spouses about their family of origin and it will be humiliating. Admitting you have a parent who lied and cheated for years would be so painful. Some people may fear that a person who comes from that background would be likely to cheat themselves. There is the possibilty of being stigmatized and rejected.
Reading this made me feel sad for the women out there who feel so unworthy that they will accept being in an immoral relationship. It makes me wonder what they went through in their lives that made them think so little of themsrlves.
M, Thank you for taking the time to comment. You raise fair questions. How could you ever trust your partner? In the beginning the sizzle keeps that thought at bay. And then when the jig is up and it looks like happily ever after, the Ego needs to create drama. Thought become things. And the cycle repeats. The main reason that I am SPEAKING UP AND LOUDLY about infidelity is for the children. We need to discuss infidelity early, often and openly. It is the largest single source of betrayal (Is that grammatically correct?), I imagine. And it’s 100% avoidable. Just grow some balls and get a divorce. LOVE the one liners from mistresses about how ‘the marriage was over’ before I showed up. Really? Hmmm. In my case, the marriage was over when I asked for a divorce. Prior to that we had our challenges, but I have streams of I love you’s, and You are my angel’s and I couldn’t imagine being on this journey with anyone else’s to demonstrate that he was laying it on thick. #8 should have been: Thank you. And thank you for being here, M. Love yourself, Cleo
Thank you for writing this, its so obvious to everyone but the women who are the mistresses! Why is that? Why do they feel the need to lie to themselves about it? My now ex husband married his affair partner, a women whom worked for him. He ultimately lost his job for this affair . That was 3 years ago, I have since moved on too and remarrying soon, very happy now actually, i am in the process of letting go the hurt and betrayal, i do not love him anymore or feeling anything which is a strange feeling to be completely neutral with emotion towards someone and ultimately now think it was a good thing……for me. To get away from his narcisstic personality. But, here is the but, anger resurfaces with comments from my kids. You see, son was 7 when this all went down and he is well aware that Daddy and new wife worked together while daddy was married to me. Then employee she even watched my kids when child care was unavailable and we had no other options for perhaps a few hours out of the day. I shared recipes with her and engaged in social conversation when a function we were both attending. Flash forward son now almost 11, questions are arising, questions i don’t feel comfortable answering. The wheels are turning in his ever growing, changing mind and a timeline is starting to be constructed in his head from his own memories. To tell the truth means to shed his father and new step mother in a bad light, which i want no parts of, but sugar coating his father’s and ultimately his step mother’s poor choices that led to his parents divorce doesn’t seem right to do either. So I am in a limbo until he becomes older and can take the truth as is and make his own feelings and assumptions and judegments of what went on during the demise of his parents marriage. I evade the questions for now…..and that makes me angry. That thru no fault of my own, have been thrust in this very delicate situation. I prepare for that day like a student preparing for a life changing exam. Trying to do it right and not all a your dad is all evil, i’m all good kinda way either, But as acurately as possible to the truth including my own faults in the demise of the marriage (neglecting my marriage to focus on house, children career)I am sure my ex husband has a very different story to tell as his conscious requires him to lie to himself to feel better. I often think if he were to have had a “fling” and moved on to someone else with a serious relationship this would be easier. Easier to evade or even talk about. The mistress turned wife would be innocent of wrong doing in his parents marriage failure. But now he has built a step mother relationship with this woman, and probably loves her which i am ok with, and somehow the truth being told one day will ruin all that. And the last thing in the world i want to do is crush my son with the truth. I will hold out as long as i can,
N, You pose some questions that are far too psych-ish for me to offer anything more than my opinion. I feel they need to lie to themselves about it because they can’t handle the truth. While infidelity may be common place, it’s still regarded as an ugly, despicable thing to do to one’s family. It’s got to be super uncomfortable to look in the mirror and know that you told thousands of lies and destroyed a family to satisfy your own selfish desires. And then, if the mistress look a little deeper, she would maybe think, What kind of person am I? That’s a dark place to go. Now, as far as telling your son the truth. I don’t suggest evading the questions, but you don’t have to go into detail. My feeling is to say, The details of what happened are more than you need to deal with right now. I want you to relish being a child. You don’t need to bear the burden of our marriage ending. You have all the time in the world to get these questions answered when you are older. I can say that my heart was broken. And it hurts. Still. But I am working on healing, being optimistic, cherishing the time I have with you, being present in the moment and not lamenting the past. What happened in our marriage is pretty adult stuff. Are you comfortable if we wait until you’re older to go into any more detail? If he does need more detail than perhaps going to a counselor is in order. I hope that helps. Again, it comes from my heart and my heart doesn’t know jack about psychology. I do feel strongly that we have to STOP hiding this crap from our kids. We are contributing to the epidemic of infidelity. Have conversations, not affairs. That goes for kids and adults alike. We must start educating them early about betrayal, instilling in them VALUES! If we swapped out 30 minutes of Minecraft for a conversation about honesty, ethics, morals, integrity, we just might help to develop a less narcissistic and more grounded generation. Thank you for being here, N. Stay close…Love yourself, Cleo
This is great and powerful! Just a quibble (not necessarily minor). There’s a trope of placing the blame on the mistresses (ladies be temptin’), and letting the man off the hook for the affairs. I know you’re not letting the man off the hook here, but you’re still falling into the trap of painting the woman as the seductress. This would be even more powerful if it were addressed to cheaters of BOTH sexes. Also, men can find themselves in the mistress position, no? Maybe address it to adulterers? Sounds too bliblical, maybe. But pointing this at mistresses just doesn’t sit right with me.
J, Thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate your thoughts. And feel the same way to some degree about the tendency to blame the woman and not the man in an affair. That isn’t the case here at HGM. I’ve written thousands and thousands of words about his choice to have an affair. It was avoidable, unjustifiable and cowardly. I wrote this specifically for those who have to deal with the other woman. Many have written to me frustrated by the ignorance of the mistress and the overstepping of boundaries. And my experience is with that dynamic, so write what you know, right? I’ve written about the revisionist history and deflecting of blame by my former spouse, which many kittens identify with as they deal with their betrayal. It felt like the right time to say a few words to the mistress. But by no means does she shoulder all the blame. Nor can she deflect it. Lastly, I just had to jump on the bandwagon of doing one of those 7 Things…posts. They’re ALL the rage! 😉 Grateful to have you here. Love yourself, Cleo
“Emotionally healthy people don’t cheat.” A perfect truth. Thank you Cleo.
D, It’s so true. You know what’s scary? What does it say about the emotional health of society if SO many are betraying their families? There are loyal, emotionally sound people in the world, thank goddess. We would be best served to realize that we do not have to partner up with someone who is emotionally wounded. And that WE need to be emotionally healthy to engage in a relationship that is productive, satisfying and HEALTHY. Stay close…love yourself, Cleo
I once asked a counselor what she thought the percentage was of emotionally healthy people based on her 30 years experience. Her guess was about 20% are emotionally healthy. Scary numbers.
I’ve thought more about your post since. While those who have been betrayed will agree with your lessons, I don’t know how many affair partners will take it to heart. I actually spoke to my husband’s affair partner once I was strong enough to do so. She denied EVERYTHING. She is a good Christian woman who would never do anything like that. Her husband cheated on her and she would never put someone through that. I reminded her of things she said and did. I could write a book – this turned into a rabbit in the pot situation – but I’ll stick with a single example: “I’m sorry you have to put up with such a bad wife. I know I can make you happy.”
Turns out she was playing several married men in the office, my spouse wasn’t as special in her eyes as he thought he was. Karma was swift and just on this one. The affair partner told herself that she is above reproach and did nothing wrong. I think the only way most of them can look in the mirror and not vomit is to do the same thing – believe the lies they are telling themselves to justify behavior that shows zero integrity.
Also love the latest post – lots of good wisdom in there. Glad the sex was finally good!
I once asked a counselor what she thought the percentage was of emotionally healthy people based on her 30 years experience. Her guess was about 20% are emotionally healthy. Scary numbers.
I’ve thought more about your post since. While those who have been betrayed will agree with your lessons, I don’t know how many affair partners will take it to heart. I actually spoke to my husband’s affair partner once I was strong enough to do so. She denied EVERYTHING. She is a good Christian woman who would never do anything like that. Her husband cheated on her and she would never put someone through that. I reminded her of things she said and did. I could write a book – this turned into a rabbit in the pot situation – but I’ll stick with a single example: “I’m sorry you have to put up with such a bad wife. I know I can make you happy.”
Turns out she was playing several married men in the office, my spouse wasn’t as special in her eyes as he thought he was. Karma was swift and just on this one. The affair partner told herself that she is above reproach and did nothing wrong. I think the only way most of them can look in the mirror and not vomit is to do the same thing – believe the lies they are telling themselves to justify behavior that shows zero integrity.
Also love the latest post – lots of good wisdom in there. Glad the sex was finally good!
I once asked a counselor what she thought the percentage was of emotionally healthy people based on her 30 years experience. Her guess was about 20% are emotionally healthy. Scary numbers.
I’ve thought more about your post since. While those who have been betrayed will agree with your lessons, I don’t know how many affair partners will take it to heart. I actually spoke to my husband’s affair partner once I was strong enough to do so. She denied EVERYTHING. She is a good Christian woman who would never do anything like that. Her husband cheated on her and she would never put someone through that. I reminded her of things she said and did. I could write a book – this turned into a rabbit in the pot situation – but I’ll stick with a single example: “I’m sorry you have to put up with such a bad wife. I know I can make you happy.”
Turns out she was playing several married men in the office, my spouse wasn’t as special in her eyes as he thought he was. Karma was swift and just on this one. The affair partner told herself that she is above reproach and did nothing wrong. I think the only way most of them can look in the mirror and not vomit is to do the same thing – believe the lies they are telling themselves to justify behavior that shows zero integrity.
Also love the latest post – lots of good wisdom in there. Glad the sex was finally good!
I once asked a counselor what she thought the percentage was of emotionally healthy people based on her 30 years experience. Her guess was about 20% are emotionally healthy. Scary numbers.
I’ve thought more about your post since. While those who have been betrayed will agree with your lessons, I don’t know how many affair partners will take it to heart. I actually spoke to my husband’s affair partner once I was strong enough to do so. She denied EVERYTHING. She is a good Christian woman who would never do anything like that. Her husband cheated on her and she would never put someone through that. I reminded her of things she said and did. I could write a book – this turned into a rabbit in the pot situation – but I’ll stick with a single example: “I’m sorry you have to put up with such a bad wife. I know I can make you happy.”
Turns out she was playing several married men in the office, my spouse wasn’t as special in her eyes as he thought he was. Karma was swift and just on this one. The affair partner told herself that she is above reproach and did nothing wrong. I think the only way most of them can look in the mirror and not vomit is to do the same thing – believe the lies they are telling themselves to justify behavior that shows zero integrity.
Also love the latest post – lots of good wisdom in there. Glad the sex was finally good!
D, That’s a startling percentage of people who are emotionally unhealthy. Let’s say she’s off by 30%. HALF the population being emotionally unhealthy is an epidemic! Then look at all the toxic fallout from being emotionally unhealthy – addictions, suicide, promiscuity, infidelity, divorce, physical abuse, emotional abuse. I truly hope I can raise emotionally healthy children in this time on Earth. We need to talk about our experiences – mine being with infidelity – and make it okay to be upfront, open and honest in an effort to change it up. Clearly, we need to make changes to how we deal with emotions. Much to ponder… Love yourself, Cleo
Cleo, I’m a long-time reader, and I absolutely know that you haven’t let FS off the hook here! I was just worried about this article being picked up and read out of context (like on HuffPost or elsewhere) and taking on a life of its own. I appreciate what you write here, and definitely believe it applies to adulterers of both genders. I do understand that you have to write what you know, and you do it VERY well! 🙂
J, I very much appreciate your words and your concern. And I’m grateful to have you here. I would love for HuffPost to pick this up. The more conversation about infidelity the better! Besides, you know by now how thick my skin is. Too much so for my own good, perhaps. Stay close, J. X Love yourself, Cleo
Great lessons, Cleo! #5 reminded me: I once heard an affair partner insist, “I am not the ‘other woman.’ I am The Woman.” Must’ve been her ego doing battle with her drowning conscience.
T, Thank you. Wow. What an Ego statement! I am THE WOMAN. It’s stunning how they don’t HEAR their own words. Two people coming together in deceit and without integrity. I just wouldn’t be boasting about that. Grateful you’re here, T. Love yourself, Cleo
OMG! I would love to send this to my ex-husband’s girlfriend who was his mistress prior to that. She thinks my ex walks on water and that she’s found the love of her life. Ha! She split up her family of 5 and my family of 4 was split because of those two filthy human beings. What you said is spot on. Thank you!!!!
Very interesting article. My husband emotionally cheated on me though he claims nothing physical had happened yet with a person I considered to be a good friend. Someone I looked in the face on more then one occasion while they were “falling” for each other. This woman came to my home and enjoyed my hospitality. In don’t understand how she can look at herself in the mirror and not see a disgusting human being.
Perfect truth… every single point. My husband of almost 40 years left me for his married coworker and then filed for divorce. Together, they broke up our family of five and her family of four, all while telling themselves – 2 emotionally unhealthy cheaters who are very likely now cheating on one another – that they were “meant to be together”. Now that some time has passed, I am able to appreciate that his departure was the best gift he ever gave me. Perhaps her soon-to-be ex-husband feels the same way.
I can offer a different perspective. I am in my 60s, been married for 25 years.
When I was a boy about 4, my Dad ran off with his mistress, for a year or so. My mom, and especially my Grandmother, made me pray Dad would come home. I adored my grandmother, and vividly remember the loathing she showed for the mistress.
My Dad eventually came home, and Mom took him back. But she never forgave him and our life at home was filled with her loathing for what he had done.
As I grew up and older, I never forgot, and never wanted anyone who had disrespected their marriage. I knew a lot of women, but never anyone who was married.
Years passed. I met and married a woman who I thought shared my feelings about the sanctity of marriage, especially when children were involved. We had two daughters, and they grew to be wonderful young women, making us both so proud.
Then, after all these years, a relative told me that my wife had had a years long affair with a married man with small children at home before we had met.He paid her a salary, paid for her apartment and furniture, bought her a new car, etc. it was so many years ago, but the knowledge of that has been devastating. I started counseling, which I never had done before. I started antidepressants, which I never had taken before.
We’re still married, but our lives together will never be the same.
Point is, when you are young, and making decisions about relationships like this, you have no idea what the consequences might be. I tell my grown daughters not to worry about what I might think about the choices they make. Think instead about how they will feel about those choices 20 years later. If you will be proud of those choices, ok. If not, choose a different path