Before I bring you up to speed on the last few days in my world which, since that whole forgiveness thing, have jumped into mellow-warp speed, (hyper-speed’s more centered sibling), I have to tell you how much I adore you. All of you.
Reading and responding to the comments today (I’m almost up to date!) has really affected me deeply. In the most luscious, dark chocolate and peanut butter Ciao Bella gelato kind of way. The time you take to share your thoughts, feelings and wisdom is very much appreciated.
I wrote this in reply to a recent comment, but it bears repeating here:
I feel like a lush swamp and you are all the fireflies.
And so…
About an hour after I hung up the phone with The Genius I logged in to HGM and checked the comments. I caught my breath in my throat, leaving my lungs dry, when I saw one from Mr. Jackpot. (The comment is on this post if you have not seen it.) We had not spoken but for one text in about a week. I had let go of the need to know why he went M.I.A. on my hike the day before, mere moments prior to realizing that I was ready to forgive The Genius. And that I needed to forgive him. An hour before Mr. Jackpot’s comment came through I had done just that. That’s a pretty heady 24 hour period of time. I had to work to ground myself.
I didn’t reply to Mr. Jackpot’s comment for some time, but I did text him shortly after recovering from the rush of a feeling that things were about to get spicy.
Will you please come over tonight? The boys will be at a friend’s house. We would benefit from some face time. Please.
(I have this great deal with a friend. She takes the boys for a night and the next day and I return the favor. Awesome. Saves me $150.00 or more.)
Followed by,
That text was motivated by your comment on HGM. In case you are wondering.
I wanted to be with Mr. Jackpot in person so I could see and feel what was going on, which was still a mystery to me. His comment was his way of saying he was ready to reconnect. That I understood, but I didn’t know how to read his comment. How crushed? Was he being funny when referencing Super Secret Sacred Spots? Was he mad? How should I read the tone behind, We’ll talk soon… Was that like, We’ll talk soon and I’ll tell you how pissed I am at you? Or was it, We’ll talk soon and I’ll explain why I’ve pulled back, crazy work schedule aside?
Regardless, I decided soon was at 2:38 PM, Pacific. An hour later we made plans to meet that night.
I haven’t ever been a touchy-feely kind of girl, and I don’t plan on groping people any time soon. But, since writing HGM and being the honored recipient of your guidance and support, which now resonates out to tens of thousands of people around the blue marble, I’ve become a lover. I just freaking love people. So, if someone is barreling down a runway on a mission, and I feel safe, I’m going to ride that sucker out with them. I want to know what’s going to happen. I want to work through challenging situations with people – and thoroughly enjoy the light and easy ones, all in an effort to grow, to learn, to love.
So that’s what I did on Friday night.
When I approached Mr. Jackpot, on a street in Marin, he was on the phone. Calling me. I stood behind him and before long he turned around.
So that’s how to do it. Call you and you show up.
He gave me a long hug and then began the 30 minute scolding of how I had let him down. He was relentless. Calm and respectful, but relentless. At one point I stopped him and reminded him that I wasn’t the one who torpedoed the plans. Sure, I could have stomped my feet and demanded that The Genius make alternate arrangements but it didn’t feel right to go away unless the boys were with him. And stomping my feet was not the way to make something like a trip with Mr. Jackpot happen. This had to happen organically. With ease.
He acknowledged The Genius’ role in our current state of affairs, but then cycled right back to how he had worked so hard to plan a trip that would blow my mind and his feelings were hurt that I pulled out.
I looked beyond him to the people eating at an outdoor cafe, wondering if they were watching our encounter. I let my gaze drift out to the street, not missing a word of what was being said, but needing to focus my eyes elsewhere so I could ground myself, tap into my Observer Self, to Ease Me. I needed to let go of my surroundings and really center in on this experience to connect with what I needed from it.
Holy arachnid! I can stand here stunned by this tense exchange, or I can gently roll with it. Handle it with care, love it, be in it, and see where it ends. Why fight it? There’s no harm in letting any encounter play out as long as it’s a healthy encounter.
But when I redirected my full attention back to our encounter, I felt like I was in high school having an adult conversation without the tools the adults had at their disposal. The kind of quarrel that went round and round with both parties trying to protect and polish their image, never growing through to a resolution. The only things missing were a bad perm and a hefty dose of Jean Nate After-Bath Splash. I already had the Little Dipper of the Adult Acne World riveting audiences nationwide as it appeared on my left cheek, like a vision of Jesus in a grilled cheese sandwich. I could be on CNN – Coming up, Girl with Acne Constellation on Her Face. And now I was being dressed down on a sidewalk while I clutched my purse, eyes cast down, thinking, Is the bell going to ring sending me scurrying back to AP English where I’ll find Mr. Guthrie banging his cane on the desk to bring order to the disorderly in preparation for a little Shakespeare?
I felt like walking away. So I said,
Let’s go eat.
We walked to the cafe and sat indoors, in the corner, where he looked onto the street and I looked directly into a wall of mirrored glass. How freaking apropos.
And then Mr. Jackpot started in again.
I needed to put a stop to this.
I could feel that I was allowing myself to be tugged around by his words, drawn in to a cycle that had no trap door. At one point I told him he had to stop because I needed a moment to breath. So I slowed myself down, quieted my brain and then I started to see in my heart’s eye his backstory. I saw him as a man, a boy, a soul. A being that was entitled to have his feelings. A being that was bringing to the surface tiny fragments of emotions that had been buried or ignored, by himself and others. I told him that we weren’t being very mature in how we were conversing. That our conversation wasn’t being productive. And I felt that we both deserved better. And that I wanted to continue. Then I stopped trying to defend myself and just listened. I empathized. I heard him. I wanted him to share what he was feeling, experiencing. Sharing requires receiving. I focused on receiving.
I hung in there. And so did he, even after nearly rising to leave at one point. We came to a place where I felt we could move on as friends, even though his feelings were hurt and he was still mad. He admitted that he was mainly mad at himself for putting so much focus on this holiday. For counting on it. I expressed that I hoped he would go alone and not let this unfortunate set of circumstances negatively affect his trip. He was going, but his heart wasn’t in it. I truly believed that would change once he landed in Yachats. I’ve never been, but I understand the Oregon coast is a place where magic happens.
By the end of the evening we had come through a mini-battle with no wounds, but I really couldn’t predict what our friendship would look like in the short-term, although I felt it would survive long-term. We both grew up in those few hours last Friday night. Our Awkward Selves really wanted to come out and play, and they did a bit, but eventually maturity won out. Ease Me wrapped up another stellar session of This Is How It’s Done and leaned back on her white pillow, satisfied.
And then, 2 days later on Sunday morning, The Genius called and flipped everything on its head again.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Hi Cleo,
I have been anxiously awaiting this post and you did not disappoint! I had gone through this same experience of forgiveness and the unbelievable benefits that it brought early on in my separation. Then I got caught up in the messiness and ugliness of divorce, betrayal, hurt and anger all over again. It seems to ebb and flow. I am back on track and feeling blissed out once again. But I have no doubt that my own Genius will do all he can to drag me back down to earth…Geniuses have a way of doing that. But what I had gathered from my early experience of pure Love and clarity was that it is always there and waiting to be tapped into. It is real and waiting for me on the other side of this hill. I have no doubt that we will get there. To steal from one of my favorite movies: Life is Beautiful! And so are you.
Hugs,
AG
A,
I’m so grateful that your patience was rewarded. And for your kind words.
We can always pull ourselves back to center, regardless of who or what attempts to derail us from our proper path. I have a long way to go with The Genius. I’m certain there will be many times when it will feel safe to retreat to old ways of interacting with him. I will resist the temptation because I know what FEELS right. And because I have all of you to support me. I owe it to you to remain on my journey so we can see the results of living an authentic, vulnerable life.
I am so thankful for your presence here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cliff hanger!!!! Good post and way to go with taking a breathe and dealing with the issue with as grown ups instead of high schoolers!! I love reading your posts!! Wisdom just pours out!!! Thanks!!
J,
Got to love the feeling of grabbing on to the last inch of the blue marble, holding on, waiting for the reveal.
Thank you for your kind words and for being here.
Over the last week the most powerful mantra I have conjured up is, Be a grown-up. Be a grown-up. When Awkward Me left for the eastern hills I felt a shift. And with that shift a willingness (bravery?) to mature. Fascinatingly, it has made me more playful.
Wonderful how the Universe works, no?
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo, first, your writing is getting better and better and better, and you will heretofor be referred to as “the novelist Cleo” as they do in the New Yorker. BTW, summarize a lot of what you have written and submit it to their “personal history” department, if not to their “fiction” department. But I digress…
Whomsoever scolds you on your own blog about sharing too much should be ignored. This is YOUR blog and YOUR life. Share everything you want to share.
While I really feel for Mr. Jackpot, I have had that done to me so many times, on a smaller or larger scale, I don’t know why I don’t have permanent tear-tracks on my face. And I never did the “you wronged me” speach, though I should have – but not in a case where unforseeable events, which you were perfectly candid about, intervened. He was disappointed and that’s very normal, but he could have canceled – he was just embarrassed and feels he has to go through with it to save face, rather than just do something else with his time/money.
Watch out for people who “punish” you by stopping communication – that’s called “passive aggression”. Not accusing MR. J, it has to be a pattern. He was just disappointed, and needed to back off, I think.
My 2 cents. GREAT writing! I am going through a very tough time and want to escape often to my ovserver self – could help.
Thanks and Love Yourself!
C,
You are too kind. I might vaporize if the New Yorker ever saw fit to publish my words. But not before celebrating with a hefty Cab and plate of oysters.
K was just expressing himself when he said that he felt the exchange between me and Mr. Jackpot here at HGM was a little too personal. I can understand. But, as I said in my reply to his comment, that’s what my writing is all about. Putting it all out there so we can learn. And Mr. Jackpot took the time to comment…I had to post it.
Perhaps it was passive aggression on Mr. Jackpot’s part. That may be how he handles disappointment. It’s my hope that our exchanges can lead to growth for us both. That the ways in which we communicated with our prior partners can be transformed, can mature. He has a fear of failure, for sure. So I imagine that when he perceives that someone failed him he responds as he would with himself.
There’s more to this story…as I’m sure you know. So we’ll wait till Friday night (or Saturday morning!).
Love yourself,
Cleo
I wasn’t scolding, Claire. Just saying it made ME feel a little uncomfortable being privy to the conversation between C and Mr J. Seeing one of the main characters in this drama insert himself into the conversation here startled me. That’s all. No biggie. It’s all good.
Peace.
K
K,
Startled me too, K! Whew! I was tilted.
S’all good. Most especially you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I can only imagine just how awkward and painful that evening was but in the end it sounds like you came to a better place…and isn’t that the ultimate point? Progress of any sort is a gift.
You do realize it’s a little evil to leave us with that cliffy but I’m going to create an ending to that cliffy in my head and hope that Genius is NOW able to be with the kids again. I have to say that this does not surprise me if it is indeed true…it’s right up his alley, the dark one. The question at that point would be – are you and Mr. Jackpot at a place where the trip would mean what it would have before? Like I said, this is just my own little story in my head. I write fanfiction so it’s really hard to stop myself
I can’t wait to read more. Have a peaceful day!
Working on the loving myself part,
C
ps. I finally read Mr. Jackpots post and felt a little like I was reading Greek at some points but then again that was probably HIS point in order to keep your special things…well special.
C,
A cliffy…love that!
It was an intense evening that delivered impressive results. For both me and Mr. Jackpot. What was most fascinating about our encounter last Friday night was the strong sense that we were independently working through patterns of the past by engaging with each other. The evening was about our personal progress as beings on the blue marble and not about our friendship, primarily. It felt very right. Even though it was very uncomfortable.
You’re very creative, C. On Friday night you will see whether or not you are spot on with your plot development.
Thank you for your insight and for being here.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Ugh. If Genius had actual marbles in his head, he’d make a hard plan, follow through, and complete task. He’d tell whom ever he was meeting or clients or what ever, “you know what, I’ve got a previous engagement with the children I love and adore and want to bring up in a nurturing and caring environment because I’m their father. (If I’ve done poorly as a faithful husband, at least I’ll do right by my kids.) If you have a problem with that, I’m sorry, but I don’t want your business.” Cleo, imagine all you’ve done in the years previous to alleviate the negative effects of his parenting, his self-centered nature, HIS expectations FOR YOU to save the day, whether to take control or relinquish it. I am speaking from child-of-divorce-experience that having one amazingly doting parent and one completely lackluster neglectful one plays havoc on your adult understanding of healthy relationships. (I am pretty sure I paid the down payment for my first therapist’s condo. I should totally ask her when I can vacation there.)
I know this sounds angry, and maybe it’s because of your newest entry of “Mr. Jackpot & You” (which we all want to happen naturally and holistically) but I’m one of those girl-friend/pit-bull types. . I’m the gal you take to the clubs with you when you JUST want to dance because you know I’ll fight off all the guys and tell them they have “staring diseases” and to leave you alone because you’re not interested (really happens). Or, I’ll be the safety monitor, herding drunk girls on a Healdsburg bicycle wine tour from stopping in the middle of the road when their long skirts get stuck in the chain. (really happens). I just want to protect you!
So, thank you for opening your heart, being good to yourself and Mr. J. Your story is magic.
Love ~B
B,
I feel like you are my protector! Like you are standing out there in front of me in your super hot woven-bamboo protector suit, eying everyone up that dares to venture close to me. You look amazing. And you are priceless.
In defense of The Genius (Anybody have any tequila? I can’t believe I just wrote that.), his business is wholly unpredictable. And this particular situation is specific to a dream he has been trying to realize for years. I’m just not the kind of girl that’s going to stand in the way of that. My Mom says my middle name since birth has been ‘Flexible’ since birth.
HGM is magic, m’lady. I’m floored daily by the outpouring of love and support, not just for me but for everyone who ventures here. You are all beautiful. You especially, B.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Awaiting the publication of your first novel. It will be the next “Eat Pray Love” type of success. Taking orders for autographed copies yet?
On a serious note, I am very happy that you have chosen to share this journey with what seems to be a growing crowd of followers who are eagerly waiting for the next post : )
Keep writing. Keep meditating. You are wonderful.
Best wishes,
N
N,
You are too kind. Thank you. I’ll sign every book if I am fortunate enough to be able to write one that does sell. Hell, I’ll deliver it and flip the pages for you and we’ll laugh and cry together.
I am so very happy I chose to share my journey as well. I never thought anyone but me would read my words. To know that my experience has helped others, and that we are creating quite the loving community here, is a priceless gift that I will cherish forever. Anything else is gravy.
You are wonderful, too.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Ha! You won’t have to deliver it Cleo. We will meet you on top of Mt Tam for “story hour” and just listen to you read from your best seller!!
Listening to your stories and posts is like wandering through the hills with you. I feel that several here (including me) regard you as our “imaginary friend” and sage of sorts. We treasure your tales of woe and hopefulness, and tune in for the latest developments.
I was so sad to read the genius foiled your plans with Mr. Jackpot, I wanted to drive over there and look after your kids myself! But then, I have to explain I’m not a nutball, or a registered sex offender..just a nice person who wishes you the best. I know you will make it to the Oregon Coast some day…and till then your fans (dare I say friends?) will use your words for strength, energy, and motivation.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
C,
Oh my…dream come true…you, me and every single person who has ventured here and resonated with HGM gathers at the ampitheater on Mt. Tam for a reading. Followed quickly by a HUGE amount of laughter, wine pouring, more laughter…a couple people sneaking off into the woods to make out… it would be sublime. We could rent those cabins near the West Point Inn and wake at dawn to watch the sun rise and set off for a hike to blow a kiss to the Pacific.
Someday I’ll make it to the Oregon coast. Maybe catch a salmon, frolick amongst the fog, sleep in for once. Be a little braver, dig a little deeper, hike a little higher.
I dare you…my friend.
Thank you for your kind words. I am so happy to know that my writings bring you along for the ride. That’s a wonderful morsel of praise. Lapping it up…
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cleo,
I am loathe to be anything but balls out supportive on anything you write. I check in daily with your blog, comment often and have such admiration, respect and awe for you, your journey and how you are traveling through this situation you are in. I love your insights, I love seeing how you are literally spinning shit into gold in the face of a situation where the temptation to do nothing but crawl into bed and pull the covers over your head and only pop out to answer the door for the pizza guy and for moo shu is so strong. I love that you are focusing on yourself, what you have done, what you are doing. I love that instead of getting comfortable being ‘wronged’ by the Genius and wearing that, you are peeling yourself back layer after layer to grow.
I am your cheerleader, get it?
But (and of course you already knew it was coming), this whole Mr. Jackpot situation, it really does make me wonder? It makes me worry for you, worry that perhaps you are at a destination rather than on a journey. Common sense tells me that you’ve been hurt, your world has been turned upside down and inside out. You said a few posts ago when you told us your story of how you met and fell in love with the Genius that it was immediately intense and all encompassing and I just wonder if all this with Mr. Jackpot is not history repeating itself and somehow it is some kind of diversion from what you are going through, that it is easier to get lost in this with him rather than continue onward. It seems like you have a lot of drama with this guy. He may be wonderful, he may be your soul mate, he may be THE one. But common sense tells me that focusing on another man may cause you to lose yourself, no matter how well intentioned you are not to make that happen. Yes, I am sure it is disappointing to have plans changed but he was planning this trip initially alone anyhow and ok the Genius threw a wrench into your plans and that sucks, but you are a mom and things fall through all the time. I am sure I don’t understand the whole story, but this seems like way too much intensity.
I just feel that if you now have to manage someone else’s feelings and disappointment at this stage and it is fraught with so much drama, you really risk the journey you are on yourself.
Of course, what the crap do I know? I am just a reader and only have a 2 dimensional view of your life.
I really hope this doesn’t come off judgy, it’s really not my intention and of course what matters here is what you think and feel, not me. But I know for myself, I have friends that sugar coat everything and who agree with everything I say and do, and I have others, who speak up when they see something, who hold up a mirror and while I may not always love everything they say, it is precisely those people that I value.
D
D,
First, I adore you. Love you to pieces. You said ‘judgy’…that’s right up there with ‘mathy’. How can I not love you? I can’t. So I do. But…kidding…. And you are so very kind to me with your praise. Thank you.
“I just wonder if all this with Mr. Jackpot is not history repeating itself and somehow it is some kind of diversion from what you are going through, that it is easier to get lost in this with him rather than continue onward.”
I believe it is history repeating itself. So that I can put into practice all that I have learned so far since the Pocket Call. So that I can be present in this friendship (it is a friendship) and be grounded in the face of dynamic chemistry, not get carried away by it. So I can learn that, regardless of how great someone makes me feel, it is essential that I make myself feel great on my own. So I can unravel what has happened to me through the encounters I have with others, and they can do the same. All with great respect for the opportunity to be here together at this time on the blue marble.
Instead of a diversion, this is ‘lab’ and Mr. Jackpot is my lab partner.
I can’t manage his feelings or disappointment (Done that before! Bad idea…), but I can be empathic, not get lost in his emotions (big lesson for me!) and help him to metabolize them properly so that he can continue on his journey as I do mine. This is no rebound relationship, but it could have very easily been one. Without Mr. Jackpot, and the other wonderful souls (men, women, children) that have come into my life, I would not be able to fully live this personal philosophy that is bubbling up within me. I put it into practice every single day. It’s the most rewarding thing I have ever done. I have them to thank and all of you.
Someday we’re going to have to throw a hell of a party, D, to celebrate all we have created here. Will you play DJ?
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’m not really one given to offering unsolicited advice and all, especially since I’m just sitting here peering down through this glass dome at your life and don’t really know you at all….
But, D’s words resonated with me. I’m a bit worried you’ve gotten out in front your skis here a bit, dear. You are barreling ahead with your post-separation transformation fantastically fast, possibly at an unsafe speed. You’re as far along in the process at several months as I was at several years. I’m worried that you are not giving due respect to this magical, powerful force called time.
By your account, something special is happening with you and Mr. Jackpot. You found each other at a time when you are both wounded and needing a shoulder to cry on and the empathy of someone who understands the pain you’re both feeling. Your souls are connecting.
A wonderful thing happens when you open the door of your heart to someone. Little invisible threads begin to grow between you and the other person, and before long, you find that there is a strikingly strong, loving bond that connects you. He knows things about you that no one else does, he understands you in a way that no one else does. You’ve gone deep together.
It’s amazingly powerful (and wonderful and life-affirming). At the same time, though, you are in a place of intense introspection and personal change. And the peril is that you find yourself down the road with a strong connection with someone (a stronger connection than you anticipated because this sort of thing sneaks up on you) and the uncomfortable realization (once you figure out who you are and what you want) that this person is not The One.
I’m more than two years into a relationship with a wonderful woman. Both recently separated single parents, we fell into each other’s lives at the perfect time. She picked me up when I needed it, validated my feelings and pain and saw a person I didn’t realize was inside. I shepherded her through a tumultuous period of her life, listening and acknowledging who she was. It was profound; I don’t know how each of us would have survived without each other.
Alas, that doesn’t mean that we are right for each other long-term. We’ve steadied ourselves, and we’ve both grown into different, stronger post-separation people. We don’t NEED each other the way we once did. But we are finding it incredibly hard to let go. How can you walk away from someone who knows you that way, who understands you better than your ex-spouse ever did over many years? How can you hope to find a connection like that ever again with someone else? It’s pure anguish.
From the outside, it’s impossible to know what you and Mr Jackpot have. At one point you said you had “feelings for each other.” Now you’re saying it’s just a friendship. Regardless, I would urge you both to be as honest as possible with each other about your feelings. And to acknowledge the thin ice you walk on. You mention that his insecurities around the trip, and I read that as him wanting very much to impress you. And if he’s trying to impress you, well…you can finish that sentence.
You may think you’re just lab partners. And maybe you’re right. But acknowledge that, the more you spend time with each other, the greater the chance it could turn into something else. Or at least that someone else might want it to. And if it does, D will likely be right. The emotional burden of that may very well confuse what you are trying to accomplish. And someone may get hurt.
Be well.
– K
K,
Thank you so much for your beautifully written words that come from the heart. I’m very touched. And I believe they are very solid words of guidance.
“I’m worried that you are not giving due respect to this magical, powerful force called time.”
I cannot fully respond to your comment as it really deserves to be a post. So I will make it one, perhaps this week. For now, I am incapable of being lulled into feeling that I have arrived. HGM won’t allow it. You won’t allow it. The gift of your presence with me on this journey is so powerful because it keeps me honest.
I am an open soul, here and in life. That might be too much for many, Mr. Jackpot included. Which is why I say that I expect to be walking my path alone for the balance of my time here on the blue marble. I’m not sure anyone would feel safe enough to walk it with me for long. And I’m okay with that.
K, I am SO grateful you are here. Thank you, love you, owe you.
Love yourself,
Cleo
You are a rare gem of a soul, C. You most definitely will not finish this journey alone.
– K
K,
Again, your timing is spot on. I spent all day yesterday realizing that I’m meant to be alone. And then I read this. Perhaps it’s something in between?
Love yourself,
Cleo
I’ve got news for Mr. Jackpot, the restaurant in Graton is not a big secret. I thought his reaction to your cancelling was self-centered.and quite revealing about his feelings for you. You need a friend right now more than a romantic relationship. Give yourself time to continue your journey of self-discovery.
As to forgiving The Genius, it’s the right thing to do for you to do to be able to move on. You can forgive but that doesn’t mean you have to trust.
Hi Cleo,
As I read the post, I hoped that eventually you’d say you just listened and empathized, which you did. I think that Mr. Jackpot probably feels that you let The Genius’s plans trump his/yours, and even though I as a mother might do the same, it’s not always easy to be reasonable when you’re hurt. I can understand why he’s upset (at least based on the limited information that I have- there may well be more that I don’t know), being someone who is pretty sensitive. Understanding why someone’s done something doesn’t always make it feel better. He definitely needed to vent, and I admire that you eventually let him do that without trying to be right in the end, even if you were partly right. I hope things become better between you as a result of this difficult exchange, rather than in spite of it.
For the record, I would likely have done the same as you did and backed out.
L,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. And for being here.
As I look deeper into the way the whole situation played out, each one of us – Mr. Jackpot, The Genius and me – worked through some very personal challenges. We may have been interrelating but we were using those encounters as a lab (remember labs in high school?) to run experiments, if you will, on our own selves. At least I was. And I believe Mr. Jackpot was, albeit partly on a subconscious level.
I’m looking forward to bringing this vignette full circle. Till then,
Love yourself,
Cleo
Can I ask a silly question? Did you say “sorry” to Mr. J?
I’m with you — the Genius changing plans was the impetus for it, but you also had complicity when you allowed your plans to be changed. I understand you are riding the wave of the cosmos and want things to develop organically but I also feel like it can be taken a step too far. “It wasn’t meant to happen” can, too often, be an excuse for passivity. I think your emerging awareness may make this impossible, but be careful.
I hope you will take this in the “firefly” light I intend it! I truly enjoy your blog and am captivated by your journey. Be well!
K,
A thousand times. Well, not quite a thousand, but I was truly sorry. And am very grateful to have been able to feel what Mr. Jackpot was experiencing and not judge it or take it personally. What was most interesting was that by letting him express his disappointment, and not try and reason it away, he was able to shed it. Eventually. That’s a big lesson learned.
I had to accept the change in plans because of what The Genius needed to do. It was an essential trip to insure a major event got off the ground. I couldn’t stand in the way. It didn’t feel right to do so, and it would have been utterly selfish and potentially threatening to his career.
I know exactly what you mean about passivity. I haven’t swung to that extreme, but I’m aware that it can happen. I still have to peel myself back from trying to make future things happen. That’s my challenge.
Must stay right here, right now. You delicious, glowing firefly. I hope you do as well.
Love yourself,
Cleo
Cliffhangers are distressing, but that’s why we read the next chapter, watch the next episode, etc.
Good on ya, Cleo! It keeps us coming back for more.
I have to say–I had a most civilized divorce many years ago. We went to counseling in order to “do it right” and our therapist said that we deserved an award; that we were the most sane, civilized, and caring couple she had ever dealt with in her practice.
I felt grateful to have married such a good man and guilty for not being able to stick with him.
Fast forward a few years. Sensible Man got crazy and started dating my next door neighbor, pretty much I think to stay in my life. All was somewhat OK until I met my soul mate and the Sensible Man couldn’t handle that.
Since he no longer lived at MY home, he now was next DOOR all the time, monitoring everything I did and knocking on the door at all hours. He heard every fight and what is worse, heard the wild sex. I am Irish and passionate in everything I do. Sorry Mr Sensible!
BTW, the fights and the blow-out sex took place when my daughter was NOT home…or at least I thought so. But she WAS next door!
He and Next Door Neighbor put a major wedge between me and my daughter, a wedge I am still trying to remove.
It is funny, sort of. I had to reassure dozens of people in my community that the divorce had nothing to do with the next door neighbor…(and geez, let’s be mean here, or at least me. She looks like George Washington! Looks aren’t everything, ok. She’s also more boring than pudding…)
Long story short. I thought he was cool. I forgave his shit. I thought all was Divorce OK. But he was secretly angry and has created a myriad of problems for me….many years later.
Cleo, don’t be all that nice around everything. Take what is yours and forgive…..yeah yeah….but it goes so far.
You are in for a roller coaster on this one. You and The Genius have decades ahead. You’re going to feel good and there will be times that you will relive twenty years ago.
As far as Jackpot goes, hmmmm. Good luck, dear.
My two cents.
I love myself and I love you!
J,
For the first time ever I’m going to let go of the safety bar and throw my hands in the air, screaming out as the air rushes down my throat and keep my eyes open the ENTIRE way. Roller me, coaster. Roller me.
Thank you for sharing your story, J. It’s a good reminder that we are on individual journeys, often with very little knowledge or clear understanding of the goals of the journeys of those in our inner circle. I’m coming to learn that is for the best for me because it is not their journey upon which I should focus my attention. It is only appropriate for me to focus on mine. (Which doesn’t mean that I don’t respect and cherish each and every being that graces me with their presence.) That, in turn, makes me completely accountable to myself. It is from that accountability that love and respect grow from me, to me. And that just makes me so darn loveable I want to make out with myself.
Wow. Making out. There is nothing better than a great hours long make-out session. Bringing new meaning to the phrase…
Love yourself,
Cleo